2
Transcript
00:00All right? What are you looking for, hand, blow, anal, toe?
00:10Hi, Mum.
00:11Oh, hello, love. What are you doing here?
00:13You changed the Wi-Fi password again.
00:14Oh, we did.
00:15Oi! You're not getting paid to chat shit.
00:18Hello, son.
00:19Tim, what did we change the Wi-Fi password to?
00:21Wasn't it get in the van, you slag?
00:23But the you is a letting you, all lowercase.
00:26Isn't this sort of undercover thing for, like, lower ranks?
00:29Well, keep your hand in, son.
00:30He's always got his hand in.
00:32Gross.
00:49Oi!
00:50If you're here to spray a cock and balls on the sign, you can piss off.
00:53Trainee, early bird catches the worm.
00:55Don't you call me a worm, or I'll put a hex on your vagina.
00:58I wasn't. Is that even a thing?
01:00As it happens, I'm in rather a good mood, so I'm going to let that one slide.
01:03I, um, I was at an all-night party. I haven't actually been home.
01:06Oh, right.
01:07Just snipping in for a quick refresh of the old pips and bits.
01:11There's 40 winks on the crash mat and at my desk by nine,
01:14and I said winks before you start visualising all sorts of nonsense,
01:17you weirdo.
01:19Are you drunk?
01:21How dare you?
01:22I have inexpensive implants that render me somewhat lopsided.
01:27Oh, no!
01:28Your shoe fell.
01:29Thank you.
01:32It's a throbbing bollock of a situation.
01:34I can't make it any clearer than that.
01:36Could you try?
01:37Jesus. Surveillance think we have a prune in the nest.
01:39It's not difficult, Bob.
01:40Intel from the CIC is limited.
01:42It's over CIC.
01:43Cock's in charge.
01:44No details.
01:45We just know that he or she is connected to an OCG.
01:48Organised Crime Group.
01:49Yes.
01:50And the NCA aren't happy.
01:52National Crime Agency.
01:53They suspect the plan is to get this fucker trained
01:56and then a year or two later get them into an AC unit.
01:58Air conditioning.
01:59What?
02:00AC unit.
02:01Anti-corruption?
02:02It's also that, yes,
02:03but I dare say he or she may at some point
02:05have to squeeze themselves into a ventilation shaft or some such.
02:12Yes.
02:16Has anyone got a pen?
02:18Steph?
02:19What happened? Have you got a pen?
02:20OK. Got a bag in my chair.
02:23I'm putting my name down for Cheese Club.
02:25Cheese Club?
02:26Yeah. I love cheese.
02:27It says Chess Club, Paul.
02:29Oh, shit.
02:30I don't know how to play chess.
02:32Hi, Gita.
02:33Hotel India?
02:34Hotel India.
02:36Brother Uniform November?
02:38Brother Uniform November.
02:39Yankee Uniform Mike.
02:41Mike. Mike.
02:43Let him go, Steph. Let him go.
02:44Paul!
02:45Hotel India?
02:46You what?
02:47Hotel India?
02:49Hotel India?
02:50Maybe.
02:51I mean, I've only ever been to Spain before.
02:53I'll think about it, yeah.
02:58And how's the new battalion shaping up?
03:00Early days, Chief.
03:01Like primordial soup kind of early.
03:03Ooh, soup.
03:04Yes, the danger with quotas to fill, I suppose.
03:06You open the floodgates and get absolutely drenched in arseholes.
03:09And we're not looking for arseholes. Quite the opposite.
03:11What, front holes?
03:12Ah, just the person.
03:13If anyone can tell us about clamping down on arseholes,
03:15it's Melanie.
03:16Yes, they taste a bit like chicken, apparently.
03:18Chicken?
03:19Yes, well, ears to the ground, everyone.
03:21But anything you need, I'm here for you.
03:23I don't believe in needing from the rear, you know that.
03:25I need from the front, on the streets, in the trenches.
03:28Wherever I'm needed, that's where I'll be.
03:30Oh, excuse me.
03:33Well, I've been sacked.
03:34Sacked?
03:35You go to one leaving do as Stephen Hawking.
03:37Well, that just doesn't make sense.
03:39Stephen Hawking's an incredibly brainy astronaut.
03:42Argh!
03:43Bastards!
03:49Apologies.
03:51Apologies.
03:54Do we have trenches?
03:56Bob, a very large vacancy has just opened up.
04:00Well, maybe he meant truncheons.
04:02Cunning and gallant, eh?
04:05Well, that's really put some lead in my nipples.
04:11Truncheon.
04:19I mean, why'd they put all the sexy ones in that group?
04:21They didn't. It's just random.
04:23Doesn't look random to me.
04:24Why's Steph in this group, then?
04:26Yes, exactly. Thank you, Paul.
04:28Well, it's cos she's almost sexy, but not quite.
04:30And you're sexy over my dead body.
04:32I heard, yeah.
04:33They're all having sex with each other already.
04:35Are they?
04:36Why aren't we all having sex?
04:37Maybe we just don't have them sexual vibes, you know.
04:40Maybe we're the sexless ones.
04:42Or the married ones.
04:43I'm sexy.
04:44Yeah, but you have to look sexy.
04:46I'm sexy.
04:47Yeah, but you have to let other people say it, though,
04:49cos you don't want to come across like Steph.
04:51I never said I was sexy.
04:52Pretty much.
04:53OK, I'm a massive, ugly goblin.
04:57Now look what you've done.
05:10That's my chair.
05:12Did you bring it from home?
05:13It's my chair. I have to sit there.
05:15Is it a magic chair?
05:17Like, do you use it to suck up police procedures through your bum hole?
05:21All right, settle.
05:23What does that word make you think of?
05:25Woody the Pooh.
05:26And that is an example of a trigger.
05:29A button pusher.
05:31Whether you know it or not, you will have a button.
05:34Might be your restricted height, your juggies,
05:37colour, gender, your tiny teeth.
05:40You'll be screamed at, spat at,
05:43pissed on, jizzed on, and puked over,
05:46all for who you are and the uniform you so proudly wear.
05:50Yeah, I get called too pretty a lot, which is quite annoying.
05:53My family used to call me Runty.
05:55My mother wanted to drown me.
05:59So, get to know your buttons, people.
06:02Push them yourselves. Poke them.
06:04Probe them, even.
06:06Again and again and again,
06:08until they are worn down to a nubbin.
06:11Because if you let others push that button for you,
06:14all is lost.
06:15You will be tempted to overreact.
06:17Trust me.
06:18You will really, really, really, really want to kill.
06:23You OK, Paul?
06:25Yeah, sorry. Didn't hear anything after nubbing.
06:27I've had all sorts thrown at me.
06:29I like the pink round coconut ones.
06:31All sorts of insults.
06:33Many of which have been both very hurtful and very accurate.
06:37Massive bitch was fair, certainly.
06:39But I did draw the line recently at Withered Hag,
06:42especially as I'd been declared barren that very morning.
06:46Did you just write down Withered Hag?
06:50You don't have to write down every single thing I say.
06:53Stop writing.
06:55Put the titting pen down and listen.
07:00Put...
07:02down...
07:04the...
07:07pen...
07:09Wait, isn't it barren-ess rather than barren for a lady?
07:13I was declared barren infertile.
07:16Ah, gotcha. Condolences.
07:19I'm not dead.
07:20Right, that is it.
07:22Nobody is to lend this student any form of writing apparatus
07:25for the rest of the day.
07:27Is that clear?
07:29Yes.
07:31OK.
07:32Go and take a piss break, if you must.
07:34And by that, I am referring to the canteen coffee, obviously.
07:37SHE GASPS
07:39SHE SIGHS
07:42This is an ease.
07:47Room for a petite one?
07:49Look, it's staff only.
07:51Hello. Are you a bit lost, are you, love?
07:53Love? Student Officer Jackson, you mean?
07:55Student Officer.
07:57Student Schmufficer.
07:59Steph, the staff, we sit together.
08:01The students also sit together, but at different tables, yeah?
08:04It's sort of like an apartheid system.
08:06Yes. No, it's not like an apartheid system at all.
08:08Mm-hm. Well, a little bit.
08:10Well, how come he gets to call you Steph, then?
08:12Oh, I'm so sorry. Um, we're a thing.
08:14We're not. We're not a thing.
08:16Well, how would you describe it? As not a thing.
08:18Hang on. You two done it?
08:20Well, that's an understatement, because, yes, we have.
08:23You got your bird to join up?
08:25No. Yeah, very much.
08:27She did the big hard sell on the police, the little scamp.
08:31Fuck me. Fair play, mate.
08:33You got it on tap now, 24-7.
08:35Any time you need a slippery one, wham-bam, nice one.
08:38Oh, Jesus, there's his ladies' prison, yeah?
08:40Yes. Although he's got a point.
08:42Bye. Bye, Mike.
08:45Hi, Steph.
08:51Yeah, just some chips, please.
08:53Chips, eh? Don't get much call for special orders.
08:56If you want that sort of thing, you'll have to come round to the back.
08:59Karen, you take over.
09:01I mean, I don't have to have chips.
09:03It's me, you fool. Aunty Nooch.
09:05Aunty Nooch? I didn't recognise you at the tabard.
09:07Haven't seen you in ages. How you been?
09:09It's great you got a job. I mean, you've only been out a month.
09:12Oh, right.
09:14Yeah. Cousins thought if they were going to have someone on the inside,
09:17they should have someone else on the inside
09:19to keep an eye on the first person on the inside.
09:21Well, all they said to me was,
09:23get bedded in, instructions would follow.
09:25First of all, there ain't no beds.
09:27Second of all, I can't find any instructions.
09:29This is your instructions.
09:31You've got to get a flash drive.
09:33Oh. Well, I think Ryman's does them, so...
09:36Wait! It's in Superintendent Spry's office.
09:39Oh. With a green luggage label.
09:41Big Cheese needs it.
09:43Big Cheese? I didn't know Cheese would be involved.
09:45That's brilliant.
09:46How do you think you got through the vetting?
09:48I don't know.
09:50What vetting is? Christ. Just go and find it.
09:54I heard what you said.
09:57About chips. Back here.
09:59Oh.
10:01Chips.
10:03Yeah. Yeah, chips.
10:05Yeah, chips.
10:07Here we are, sir.
10:09Time table and notes for this morning's session,
10:11freshly highlighted by me.
10:13De-escalation.
10:15De-escalate. De-escalate.
10:19Oh, it's very, very sad, isn't it,
10:21about the Chief Super,
10:23but I do wonder what that might mean for you, sir.
10:25Ah, yes. It means I should probably send a card.
10:28Sorry you got the sack.
10:30Hypothetically, if someone were to do all the work
10:33so you didn't have to worry and entered you for...
10:36Entered me?
10:38..for, say, Britain's Got Talent,
10:40you would do it, wouldn't you?
10:42Britain's Got Talent? We're doing what?
10:44I don't know. You're very, very skilled.
10:46Well, Britain's Got Talent.
10:48Britain's Got Talent. I can see that happening.
10:51In which case, I would graciously accept.
10:54And... Oh, no, look, the three dots has come up again.
10:57Oh, let me get that for you, Bob.
11:04Ah, yeah, yeah. It's gone. It's gone.
11:19Paul! Paul!
11:21Can I have my pen back? Pen?
11:23What did it look like? Pen-like.
11:25The one I gave you this morning at the notice board.
11:27Oh, well, the superintendent said it wasn't to give you a pen.
11:30Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She said no-one was allowed to lend me a pen.
11:34Then you're not. You're giving me back a pen I'd already lent to you.
11:37Well, I think I lent it to Spencer.
11:39Sorry. You lent a pen you borrowed to someone else.
11:42Well, no, I... I gave it to him, really.
11:44It wasn't planned.
11:46I gave it to him, really. Wasn't planning on asking for it back.
11:49Oh, my God, which one, Spencer?
11:51Thor. Thor? Looks a bit like Thor.
11:53Son of Odin.
11:55He's part of the sexy group.
11:57You know how some people are so good-looking,
11:59you sort of feel bad asking them to give you a pen back?
12:01No. No, I don't. Hang on, wait a minute.
12:03I think Spencer gave it to Steph.
12:05Probably when she was asking him if she could join the sexy group.
12:08Steph. Right.
12:10Right. In a bit.
12:17MUSIC STOPS
12:24Ah, Bob. Mmm?
12:26I am throwing my hat into the ring.
12:29What, your actual hat or your metabolical hat?
12:32Am I wearing a hat? No, but you could have one in your bag.
12:35Am I carrying a bag? No, but you could have a bag with a hat in it.
12:38In your locker. I don't.
12:40Well, keep it under your imaginary hat.
12:43I think I might be appearing in Britain's Got Talent.
12:49Fuck's sake.
12:50Ah, Melanie.
12:52I would like to be a contender.
12:54You won't win. I will win.
12:56Will win what? What are you talking about?
12:58Cunningham's position.
13:00CV. Application form.
13:03Right, can it wait until I've done the same for Bob's superintendent weeks?
13:06Another worthy applicant.
13:08Oh, you're shitting me. Bob the Bellend?
13:10He's never shown the slightest interest in any big job before, for fuck's sake.
13:14He wouldn't be doing this just to get on my tits, would he?
13:17Has he any interest in your tits, Ma?
13:19Well, I wouldn't have thought so, no.
13:21Well, that's a huge relief for some of us.
13:24What is that hibby shit?
13:26That's my twat catcher.
13:28Your twat catcher?
13:29If the little feathers flutter or the little bells tinkle,
13:32it means there's a ronger nearby.
13:34Well, we catch twats with modern detective methodology, Melanie,
13:38not with new-age mumbo jumbo.
13:40It's my gut instinct and feather and willow hoop form.
13:42It's cultural appropriation. Grow up.
13:47It works.
14:04Oh, I tried.
14:08SIGHS
14:26Er...
14:29Are you wanking?
14:31What? No.
14:32Then what are you doing, then?
14:34Well, yeah, no, I was wanking.
14:36Oh, you can't just go around rubbing your cock
14:38and blasting one off on police property.
14:40What, are you trying to fuck that filing cabinet or what, you weird fuck?
14:43I've just been really stressed at work and all that.
14:45Oh, yeah, that old story. I've just been really stressed.
14:48And I had to find a filing cabinet and jizz everywhere.
14:51Get out!
14:52Yes, sir.
14:55Sorry.
15:03Yeah.
15:07Bloody perv.
15:12Step, pen, my pen.
15:14Right, here's a lovely long word for you.
15:17De-escalation.
15:19How might we go about that?
15:22Huggins, any ideas? De-escalation.
15:25Could use a tablet.
15:26Beg your pardon?
15:27Or, like, a sachet.
15:29Because we've got, like, a coffee machine and there's a sachet
15:32and you put the sachet in the reservoir...
15:34What you've got there is de-scaling.
15:36It's not quite the same thing.
15:37It's not much for de-scaling in the course of everyday police work.
15:40Can anybody help Huggins there with a definition of de-escalation?
15:45Is it when you use de-escalators?
15:48Racist.
15:49It's just an accent.
15:50Mocking a historically oppressed race.
15:52Yeah, which wasn't what I was doing.
15:53Doesn't matter, it's how it's perceived that counts.
15:55Yeah, well, he said de-escalation first.
15:57You wrote it on a board.
15:58I didn't mean it racistly.
15:59Welcome to my world.
16:00Try telling her that.
16:01Do you want to get thrown out?
16:03Um, yes.
16:05Yeah.
16:06Well, nice try.
16:08Come on, everyone.
16:10Look at this. What's this word here?
16:12Triggers.
16:13Can somebody say something that they think might trigger me?
16:17Anything you like.
16:18I've been in the force 38 years.
16:20Anything you like. Give it both barrels.
16:22Come on, try and upset me.
16:23You've underachieved.
16:25Not that.
16:27Why not that?
16:28Should I say so?
16:29No, but it's true, though.
16:30Tell me I'm fat.
16:31You're a fat underachiever.
16:32No, just the fact.
16:33You don't get to pick which insults you get on the street.
16:35No, because on the street, people aren't going to know,
16:37think that I have underachieved, because I haven't.
16:39So that's quite...
16:40Some sort of text now.
16:42It's not a... It's an orange.
16:44Oh, so many...
16:46Oh, I knew it.
16:47I've got to be somewhere pretty urgently.
16:49So hard being important and in charge of things.
16:52Come and get your skates on, will you, Bob?
16:55Oh, gosh.
16:57Right, now...
16:59That was a good lesson.
17:03Steph, can I have my pen back?
17:05What pen?
17:06She's got my pen, my favourite pen, and she won't give it back.
17:09Who has a favourite pen?
17:11What are you, eight?
17:12So why won't you give her her pen back?
17:14Did you lick it or put it somewhere gross?
17:16No, I haven't got her stupid pen.
17:17She borrowed it from Thor, who got it from Paul,
17:19who borrowed it from me.
17:20But she says she hasn't got it.
17:22Why are you believing her?
17:23I don't know, she just looks more honest than you.
17:25It's not a race thing, I just fancy I'm on.
17:27How can you fancy a pen thief?
17:29Pen thief?
17:30Yeah, what is the mark-up on them bad boys?
17:32Is it, like, 30%?
17:33And do you cut it and shut it, or do you strip it for parts?
17:35It's not about the pen.
17:36It is about the pen, because with no pen, I have no notes,
17:39and with no notes, I won't know everything.
17:41And if I don't know everything,
17:42I won't get to be Policewoman of the Year,
17:44and if I don't get to be Policeman of the Year,
17:46my dad will treat me like a girl
17:48and won't let me borrow the big car like my brothers!
17:51Wow. Wow.
17:53Told you.
17:54OK, what you need right now is a pen.
17:57Here, have my pen.
17:59It's made of...
18:01Dreams?
18:02ARGH!
18:09I heard a crunch.
18:13Melanie!
18:14I think I've had a brilliant idea.
18:16That doesn't surprise me, sir. You are an extraordinary human being.
18:19Here goes. I am going to apply for Cunningham's job.
18:22Oh!
18:23Well, my word, that is clever.
18:25Well, I'm not one to underachieve, as you know,
18:28so I may have to put Britain's Got Talent on hold and enter the fray.
18:31Obviously, I realise that Superintendent Spry has also applied,
18:35but we are very much equals, so it should be a good scrap.
18:39And don't forget you'd have me on your side, sir.
18:41Good to have you in my corner.
18:43What, actually?
18:44No, as in the boxing, you know. You will be my second.
18:46Was there a first?
18:48Yes, there was. Jennifer Hepburn.
18:50I was 17 and she smelt of wet cardboard.
18:59No, they'll throw her out for this, 100%.
19:01No! Leggo, please.
19:03What's going on?
19:04This one bit this one.
19:05Fucking hell, where?
19:06Over there, by the lockers.
19:07No, which bit of him did she bite?
19:09My fucking fanny finger.
19:10Oh, no, that's gross. I'm actually on Afia's side now.
19:13Anyone who has a fanny finger deserves to have it bitten off.
19:15Right, Steph, you can have the pen. Keep it, it's OK.
19:18Just please don't tell anyone.
19:20I don't have your bloody pen.
19:22Don't start that again.
19:23He's going to snitch on me.
19:24You bit me.
19:25Oh, don't be such a baby.
19:26My kids bite each other all the time.
19:28OK, yeah, you need to get that looked at.
19:30Not by you.
19:31A shark with tiny teeth has savaged my second most important appendage.
19:35And now Afia's bitten it as well.
19:37Oh, he's had no luck, has he?
19:42Oi, you know what I like, right?
19:44Yeah.
19:45And that's in films, yeah?
19:46Yeah.
19:47I don't think a guy has run out of bullets, but...
19:49I'll tell you what Mike likes.
19:50OK, boundaries, yeah?
19:52Trainer's area.
19:53Sorry, I just, um...
19:54I just need to talk to Mike about something, uh, personal.
19:57What is wrong with you?
19:59Have you got the mental health?
20:00Above his bed, he's got a picture of himself in just a thong and aviator shades.
20:03Better, yeah.
20:04OK, sorry, what...
20:06What are you doing?
20:07Sorry, am I oversharing?
20:08Can you just stop it? Stop it, stop...
20:10Your mouth.
20:11Well, can you just admit that we're a thing?
20:13OK.
20:14OK.
20:16We're a thing.
20:17No, no, no, so the caveman can hear.
20:18All right, we're a thing.
20:19Oh, my God, Mike, stop going on about it.
20:21It's so embarrassing.
20:24Wow.
20:25You know, she reminds me of my dad's ferret, Tina.
20:27Once she bit, she never let go.
20:29We had to have her put down while she was biting my dad's inner fire.
20:32Yeah, that's death.
20:33Shame all the fit ones have the mental health.
20:40Fantastic.
20:41Right, for you, mate.
20:42Legend.
20:43So, did they ask you what happened?
20:44Yeah.
20:45Now, obviously, I could have said it was a sex injury.
20:47Who bites during sex?
20:49Not you, clearly.
20:50What do you mean by that?
20:51Oh, watch out, it's Hannibal Lecter.
20:52Hide your fingers.
20:53Obviously, I'm really sorry and all that, but did you...?
20:56Tell them about you.
20:58I did.
20:59And...
21:00Really?
21:01Yeah.
21:02It turns out I slipped and fell into a yawning ulceration in the dog unit.
21:05I don't believe it.
21:06Well, it's not true, is it? You bit me.
21:08No, I don't believe you did something nice, no offence.
21:11Hi, good news about your pen.
21:13So, I spoke to Spencer and he said he gave it to Steve, not Steph.
21:17See, I thought he said Steph.
21:18So, yeah, that's Steph off the hook.
21:20And, hey, at least I can get my pen back.
21:22Nah, Steve's went and flushed it down the toilet and mug.
21:24He's trying to unblock a monster.
21:26Great news, Paul.
21:27Yeah, no worries, mate.
21:28Oi, Steph, turns out you didn't take that pen after all.
21:30Oh, thank you for letting me know, Paul.
21:32You're welcome.
21:33You know, for someone who doesn't want to be in the police,
21:35covering up for your colleague seems very cop-like to me.
21:37Yeah, must have cop juice in your blood.
21:39You can be different from your family, you know.
21:41Yes!
21:42Yes, you can.
21:45You fucking can.
21:47You can.
21:49Anyone fancy going down to the gym?
21:51Oh, sorry, Dev, mate, I've got a cheese club.
21:53Oh, wait, no, I haven't, have I?
21:55I was looking forward to that.
22:02You're wearing strippers?
22:03Yes, Melanie encourages me to look after my arches, a kind girl.
22:07Oh, I think you should know that I've applied for the top dog job.
22:11You do know what Cunningham's job requires, right?
22:13A lot of things, I imagine.
22:14Being in charge, not dressing up as Stephen Hawking.
22:17It's a position that calls for intelligence, leadership,
22:20hard work and intelligence.
22:22Yes, I should coco.
22:24Not a job for a terminally ineffectual yes-man.
22:26Yes, well, if you say so.
22:28Somebody who lacks even the basic knowledge of the world around them.
22:31Hang on, you're talking about me, aren't you?
22:33Stay in your lane, Bob.
22:35Sir, you don't stand a titler's chance of getting a job like this.
22:38We shall see, and may the best superintendent win.
22:42That's a cupboard.
22:44I know.
23:05I know.