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00:00Oh, my shitting shit.
00:14Hit your nuts on, bro.
00:17We ain't gonna make it, Dad.
00:21Nah, we're all right, son.
00:24We've got this.
00:2540 minutes.
00:26Oi, oi!
00:27Good luck, Paulie.
00:40Make us proud, mate.
00:53Timetables, maps, uniform, coupons, keep them safe.
01:08Thank you.
01:09If you mess this up on day one, you're gonna have to sort it out with them.
01:11Oh, no, there's no-one else.
01:12It's there.
01:13It's just me.
01:14Oh, don't worry, though.
01:15I'll manage.
01:16Or will I?
01:17Pretend you care.
01:18I never tire of this bit.
01:21The newbies lusting for knowledge like newborn lambs
01:24searching greedily for their mother's teats.
01:27And we are those teats, low-hanging and full of milky goodness.
01:32You're the real teacher here, Bob.
01:34Thank you, Julie.
01:35Appreciate that.
01:36Hi, Miss.
01:37New trainee.
01:38What about you?
01:39Are you...
01:40What do you do?
01:41I'm a new trainee.
01:42Oh.
01:43Oh, sorry.
01:44You just seem really...
01:45What, old?
01:46No, no.
01:47God, no.
01:48You just have a very obvious...
01:49Bosom?
01:50Oh.
01:51Well, there you go, then.
01:52That's...
01:53That's why.
01:54Yeah.
01:55Wait there.
01:56Hi.
01:57Affia.
01:58No.
01:59I'm Lego.
02:00Lego?
02:01Like the bricks?
02:02Well, I do have lots of little knobbly bits.
02:03OK.
02:04On you go.
02:07This is so exciting.
02:08This is my worst nightmare.
02:09Meeting me?
02:10All this.
02:11Nightmare.
02:12You having second thoughts?
02:13Never had first thoughts, to be honest.
02:15It's the family business.
02:17Forced into the force.
02:18It's a criminal.
02:19Are you OK, mate?
02:20Yeah.
02:21A bit sweaty.
02:22I'd love to play, though.
02:23Police officer.
02:24What do those words mean?
02:25Oh, he's pretty thick, isn't he?
02:26Very soon, you will discover the reality.
02:27Power.
02:28The one you are now.
02:29Ultimate power.
02:30You don't want to get on the wrong side of me,
02:31cos I'm partially deaf in one ear.
02:32Ha!
02:33Wasn't a joke, young man.
02:34So, welcome to Norbourne College.
02:35I'm a new trainee.
02:36I'm Lego.
02:37I'm Lego.
02:38I'm Lego.
02:39I'm Lego.
02:40I'm Lego.
02:41I'm Lego.
02:42I'm Lego.
02:43I'm Lego.
02:44I'm Lego.
02:45I'm Lego.
02:46I'm Lego.
02:47I'm Lego.
02:48Welcome to Norbourne College,
02:49and thank you to Superintendent Spry and Superintendent Weeks,
02:53who will be your parents for the next four and a half months.
02:55Wait, do we have to go and live with them?
02:56No.
02:57You're in good hands?
02:58Are you sure you're OK?
02:59Yeah, mate, I'll be fine.
03:00I'm just...
03:01I'm just really, really excited.
03:02Work hard, stick to the rules,
03:04and above all, don't come to my attention until passing out day.
03:08HE CHUCKLES
03:11Oh!
03:12Man down.
03:19Hi, I was wondering, does it involve any form of rearranging,
03:22rescheduling, rerouting, decamping or unpicking?
03:25Yes.
03:26Many answers no.
03:27It might be quite simple.
03:28Nothing is simple.
03:29Nothing.
03:30Do you understand that?
03:31Yes.
03:32Good.
03:33I think this might be, though.
03:34I just said you understood!
03:35Physical trainee at 10.30.
03:36I just want B group rather than C.
03:38Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
03:39Yeah.
03:40I'm sorry, what's your name?
03:41Steph.
03:42Short for Stephita.
03:43No, Stephanie.
03:44Stephanie Jackson.
03:45Right, and tell me Stephanie Jackson,
03:47who should currently be in Area 14.
03:49What if the other class is full?
03:50Can't you just swap me with someone?
03:51Do you have any idea what swapping would involve?
03:53It's a simple request.
03:54Nothing is simple.
03:55OK, are you going to swap me or not?
03:57Yeah, if I have a spare moment at some point.
04:01There, I've done it.
04:02And you're now in B group.
04:03And you're very, very, very, very lucky.
04:06You just... You pressed one button.
04:08HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
04:10HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
04:17Morning.
04:18It's lovely to see so many new faces here today.
04:21Not too many.
04:22We haven't lowered our standards or anything.
04:25Come on, sit.
04:26Thank you.
04:27Big day today for everyone.
04:28You are each about to become a cog in a powerful blue machine.
04:33And I am the oil about to be applied to you.
04:37And my oil will lubricate you into action,
04:41just as I myself was lubric... Oil...
04:43OK, intro over, let's crack on, shall we?
04:45Yes, on we go.
04:46Let us start with a little word association.
04:48Ah, now then, this is...
04:50What is the first thing you think of when I say the word police?
04:54Go.
04:55Taser.
04:56Muscle.
04:57Parents.
04:58Filth.
04:59Fee...
05:00Pillowcase.
05:01Duvet.
05:02Penis.
05:03Same old responses.
05:05Cheese and pickles.
05:06Not you, Superintendent.
05:07Sorry, Jolly. Jilly.
05:08Julie.
05:09OK, one thing before you start your training,
05:11and I've said this to all the new groups, it is important.
05:13Yes, I love this bit.
05:15In the forums of ancient Rome,
05:17when the senators were called upon to give an oath,
05:19they would do so whilst holding their testicles.
05:22This is where we derive the word testify.
05:26Now, one of this year's new intake is here for the wrong reasons.
05:31Rest assured, I will find out who, I can smell it.
05:35So, what I want you to do is close your eyes
05:38and think about your reasons for being here.
05:41Are they genuine?
05:45And you will do this while holding your testicles.
05:48Sorry, Mum, but what do we do?
05:50Clutch your mounds.
05:52Right, on your feet. Up, up.
05:55Eyes closed.
05:57Testicles.
05:59Your true reasons.
06:04Jesus.
06:05Open your eyes. Look down.
06:08One of you will find you are not touching yourselves at all.
06:11I will find that person by the end of the day
06:13when he or she will be ejected from the process.
06:16Out, as if they never existed.
06:20OK, at ease. Bob, do you need a poo?
06:22Er, yes, I do, yeah.
06:26What does she mean by the wrong reasons?
06:28I don't know. Sorry, why are you looking at me?
06:30She was looking at me. This is understandable, to be fair.
06:33I ain't done nothing, so don't look at me.
06:35I wasn't looking at anyone.
06:36Guys, she's just trying to turn all of you lot against each other.
06:39On the first day. Oh, sure. Listen, my parents are cops, yeah?
06:41They did this to me and my sister all the time.
06:43She's in prison for murder.
06:45What? No, she isn't!
06:47No, I don't even have a sister!
06:49Or do I? Are you OK?
06:51No, honestly, arrogant women in uniform just really do it for me sexually.
06:54Might be a bit hyper for a while.
06:57If and when we have to get rid of one of them, can I say, you're fired?
07:01No.
07:02What about, er, your reasons for being here?
07:06Duncan Ballantyne hasn't been on Dragonstone for years.
07:09I only watch the old ones. Not so many ladies.
07:12No offence.
07:16OK, you Muppets! I am not your normal kind of trainer.
07:20You a hologram? What's your name, son?
07:22Lego. I'll let you go when you tell me your name, sunshine.
07:25Ryan Legland, sir. All right.
07:27Ryan Legland, sir. Let's start off easy, shall we?
07:29I want you to come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough.
07:34Are you hard? A bit personal.
07:36Take me down. Whatever you've got.
07:38Come on, Captain Mouth, have a go.
07:40You smell of sausage. Physically.
07:42Come on, pussy pants. OK.
07:49Wow.
07:50You see, a true ninja can retract his bollocks into his body
07:53at the first sign of danger. Is that true?
07:55No, twatty, I'm wearing a cup. I'm not an idiot.
07:58Right, come on, let's have you in a line. You're not a herd of bloody puppies!
08:01A pack of puppies, surely. Maybe a litter.
08:03I didn't come here to argue about adjectives, love.
08:05Collective nouns. Collective nouns.
08:07It's a bit childish.
08:08Coming from the girl who cares about puppies.
08:10I don't care about puppies.
08:12No, I obviously do. I do care about puppies.
08:14All right, so suck it up!
08:16Basically, I'm a little bit of a maverick.
08:18I'm a real-world street cop, and maybe once
08:21I might have been accused of going a little bit too far.
08:24But you know the old saying,
08:26then what can do it, do do it.
08:29And then what can't do it?
08:34Well, they do not do it.
08:36So are you teaching cos you realise you can't do it?
08:38Oh, I can do it. I can do it in spades, love.
08:40They're just making me take a little break.
08:43What did you do? Yeah, what did you do?
08:47OK, anyone, name me a danger
08:50that we might find on a city street at night.
08:53Dog shit?
08:56I want justice!
08:58That's the tagline.
09:00One day they'll base a major TV series on my life in the force.
09:04One Muslim girl rises from her humble beginnings
09:06and claws her way up...
09:08With all the sexism and racicity.
09:10Racicity? Yeah, racicity.
09:13Don't deny it, Gator, it's a natural thing.
09:15OK, OK, OK!
09:17Yo, big group!
09:19Yeah, easy work, one.
09:21Nice.
09:22Now, I'm Sergeant Michael Gunn,
09:24aka Mikey Guns, yeah?
09:26And it's getting to know you time.
09:28Now, I prefer first names in here, don't care what happens elsewhere.
09:31So, I'm going to throw you the ball, you're going to catch it,
09:33you're going to say your name, you're going to throw it right back, yeah?
09:36All right. Gator.
09:38Lovely.
09:39Apple. Good.
09:41Let go. Nice.
09:43Stephanie.
09:50Drop the ball, mate.
09:52Yes, Mike, you drop the ball.
09:57MUSIC FADES
10:05Steph, this is mad. Come on.
10:07Come on what? You. The police. Really?
10:09You don't want this. That's funny.
10:11You always said it was the best job in the world.
10:13Yeah, it is, for me, because I'm me.
10:15But let's be honest, you can't hack this.
10:17Wow. OK, give me one reason why I can't hack this.
10:20Oh, just one reason? Yeah, just one reason. Let's hear it.
10:22OK. Well, you're quite flaky.
10:24That's so funny.
10:25And you don't like getting your hands dirty. Why?
10:27And you're an only child and therefore pretty selfish.
10:29And you're no good in a crisis.
10:31And I'm not sure that courage is one of your strongest points.
10:34And you like to avoid a conflict.
10:36And I'd also say you're quite mentally weak.
10:38And physically. And you snort in bed.
10:40So what? Everyone snores sometimes.
10:42No, snort. Like a pig.
10:43Right. Are you quite finished? Big deal. Big whoop.
10:46I'm going to be a police officer, and a fucking good one,
10:49and you just can't handle it, Mike,
10:51because you're going to be obsessed with me all over again.
10:53As if. You are.
10:54Because we both know, Mike, that you have an erection,
10:57right here, right now.
10:59That's unfair, because you know I always have one, yeah?
11:07Wrong reasons could be me.
11:09Cos I kind of got two jobs, right? Mm-hm.
11:11I'm doing this, but then I'm mainly Devin Hansel, actor.
11:16Oh, right, you're an actor. So what have you been in?
11:19I've been in the acting profession.
11:21Yeah, but, like, what have you acted in?
11:23I've acted in auditions and castings, you know, stuff like that.
11:27Cool.
11:29Mate, you know them's ladies' pants?
11:31No, they're not. They is. My mum wears them.
11:33You know what pants your mum wears?
11:35That's fucked up. No, it's not.
11:37I do the family washing.
11:39They're M&S, the risque collection.
11:42Which is a male range.
11:44No, it's not.
11:45Just worry about your own pants, man.
11:48It's so stressful, isn't it? Yeah, pant wars?
11:50Nah, this place.
11:52Mustn't get thrown out.
11:54Why not?
11:55Oh, you know, just...
11:57reasons, mainly.
11:59It wasn't my idea, though.
12:01Well, that's something me and you have got in common.
12:03Bloody family.
12:04Tell me about it. Oh, yeah?
12:06Well, what's your family done?
12:08Well, they ain't done nothing, so why would you say that?
12:11Easy, easy.
12:12Clearly Sergeant Stiffy Killer has figured out that I don't want to be here,
12:15so you've got nothing to worry about.
12:17It's me.
12:18I'm out of here. End of the day.
12:20Um...
12:21Don't tell the girls about the pants, all right?
12:24I won't tell any girls. Ever.
12:27Bye, mate.
12:30All right, then.
12:32Can anyone tell me what we have here?
12:34Oh, my God, are those drugs?
12:36Someone's going to be in so much trouble.
12:38These are, correct, street drugs,
12:40to a value of, um, well, not that much, actually.
12:43No, the issue is those involved in the drugs trade
12:46quite often try to outwit the authorities vis-a-vis ourselves.
12:50No, it's not a good thing.
12:52No, no, no, I'm just excited that I'm the authorities.
12:55They try to achieve this by constantly changing the name of each product.
12:58Which necessitates us being very much on our toes
13:01as regards nomenclature.
13:04When do we start talking like that?
13:06Is it gradual or is it more sort of overnight?
13:09Excuse me, sir, please, may I be excused?
13:12Could it not wait?
13:13OK, is that legal, to let a woman just sit here menstruating?
13:17Go. Go now, thank you.
13:20Right, so here we have, for example,
13:23a sixteenth of an ounce of...
13:27..cannabis resin.
13:29These scumbags... Criminals.
13:31Yeah, these criminals,
13:34will often refer to this amount as a teenth.
13:36Ah, really? A teenth?
13:38All right, clever prick.
13:40How would you rate nine for this amount?
13:42I would say that that would be...
13:45..an eighth.
13:46No, actually, they've changed it.
13:48It's now called a dibbler.
13:51Dibbler?
13:52This is cocaine, a.k.a. classic rock.
13:57Oh, shit.
13:58That's actually an old term for hashish, a little bit dated now.
14:01Yeah, no, it's... Ah, nothing.
14:03Amphetamine is a werbler.
14:06Methamphetamine, ninky nonk.
14:08MSD, fried bedstead.
14:10Heroin, the one show.
14:12Ketamine, boggle chunks.
14:15And benzodiazepines, Hufflepuff's Revenge.
14:19Who told you all this?
14:21It's a drug dealer. He's a lovely bloke.
14:23She's a bit giggly. Giggly?
14:25Mm.
14:27Oh, is it?
14:30Ah, right.
14:32Feeling better? Yes, much better.
14:34Good. Let's hope it's all...
14:36..stemmed.
14:37So, looks like we're going to have to wait
14:39for some new intel on those street names.
14:43No, look, Bubbles, Op, Christina, Cat Valium, Oxblood, Moggies.
14:48I mean, you know, probably.
14:52You have just become a lot more interesting to me as a human being.
15:02I'm not sure I can eat. Too anxious.
15:05If they throw me out, I'll actually die.
15:07You're OK. Hun-DP.
15:09If it makes you feel any better, I'll almost certainly be out by the end of the day.
15:12It's you! What's the reason? Wait, no, no.
15:14Don't tell me. Let me use my Muslim sense.
15:16That's not a thing.
15:17You came here because you got dumped by some dude
15:19you found out as a trainer here.
15:21Oh, my God. How did you do that?
15:23Can you cast spells?
15:24No, I looked you up on Facebook, and you've, like,
15:2643 photos of Magic Mike going back six months.
15:28Plus, you were staring love daggers at him in the gym.
15:31Oh, and I recorded your conversation earlier on on my phone.
15:34Oh, my days. I'm going to be so sick at this job.
15:36You shouldn't record people's conversations.
15:38You think Muslims cast spells?
15:39No, I didn't actually say that.
15:41Hindus cast spells, don't they, Geeta?
15:44I'm casting one right now.
15:46Yeah, OK, OK, yes, I'm the whitest person in the world.
15:48I'm here because of a man. I'm the worst.
15:50You're here because you're clearly a brilliant detective.
15:52What can I say? It's a public service.
15:54So what brings you here, Geeta?
15:56I'm trying to spend less time with my family.
15:58Fair enough.
16:04Number one, I'm not flaky.
16:06I've just texted 30 people that I went to uni with,
16:08and they all said that I wasn't.
16:10Well, I didn't actually manage all 30,
16:12because I got distracted by this really cheap ticket offer the other day, too.
16:15But anyway, in the end, I got a hold of seven of them,
16:17and only three of them said that I'm properly flaky,
16:19so that's that myth busted, buster.
16:20Steph, mate, please.
16:21Number two, afraid to get my hands dirty.
16:23Well...
16:24Oh, all right, stop.
16:26Number three, here is £10 to buy yourself a nice little pudding.
16:29I don't think a selfish person would do that, would they?
16:32I guess not.
16:33The proof is in the pudding, you big twat head.
16:36Oh, what was that?
16:38That was point four.
16:39You are not looking at someone who is afraid of conflict.
16:42No siree.
16:43Not in the hair, Steph.
16:46Good day.
16:47Oh, God.
16:53Melanie, I need a room swap, yeah?
16:55Melanie doesn't do room swaps in the corridor.
16:57Oh, please, I need to avoid someone.
16:59And I would do it myself,
17:00but you won't let any of us have a password anymore.
17:02No, I won't, because your mate Daz changed the name
17:04of all the conference rooms to Melanie's Funny.
17:06You're not really a mate.
17:07Melanie's Red Funny, Melanie's South Funny,
17:09oh, Melanie's Big Funny on the fourth floor.
17:11Yeah.
17:15Come in, unless you're a terrorist.
17:17Mum, sir, can I check something on a personal level?
17:20Yes, that's why we're here.
17:21Is it?
17:22I thought we were here to turn Yusa Streaks of Piss
17:24into police officers using brute force and shouting.
17:26Is it something embarrassing?
17:27Er, a bit, yeah.
17:28Well, come in.
17:29Is it OK if a trainer realises
17:31that he's had a relationship with a trainee
17:34who's just shown up at his college?
17:36I'm asking for a friend.
17:37Which college is he at?
17:38This college, for fuck's sake.
17:39Who did you talk? Gita? Athia?
17:41Maybe we're assuming something we shouldn't.
17:43Maybe it was someone less expected.
17:46I'm not sure I follow.
17:47Oh, do you mean, was it a man?
17:49Which is perfectly fine, you know, it's, er...
17:52You may speak freely here.
17:53In fact, I myself have had some experience
17:55in that particular arena.
17:57Have you?
17:58Yes, I watched Brokeback Mountain
17:59without knowing the twist.
18:01Don't think it was a twist.
18:02I wasn't expecting it.
18:04It's actually Stephanie Jackson.
18:05Really?
18:06The graduate one.
18:07She's quite bright.
18:08True.
18:09Make what?
18:10Previous relationships are fine
18:11as long as they remain previous.
18:17Come in, Lakeland.
18:18OK, off you pop, magic mic.
18:20Don't trip over your cock.
18:22Good afternoon, ma'am.
18:24Hello.
18:25Wasn't expecting you, Mr Ball.
18:26This is a joint unofficial meeting.
18:28Ah, you two having an affair?
18:30Jesus.
18:31OK, well, I won't say a word.
18:32Although, you could do better.
18:34Shut it.
18:35She could do better.
18:36Ooh, like what you've done with the place.
18:38So, what can I do for you two?
18:42Work colleagues, yeah?
18:43I think you know why you're here.
18:44Ah, police training, innit?
18:45Which is exactly the kind of obstructive insolence
18:48that's been reported by all of our staff so far.
18:51Oh, dear.
18:52Here's the thing.
18:53We know the real reason that you are here.
18:55Ah, you said come to my office at three o'clock.
18:57No, the reason you enrolled here, she means.
18:59We know who your father is.
19:01Is it Darth Vader?
19:02No, it's Chief Superintendent Timothy Legland.
19:05Yes.
19:06Him.
19:07Not dissimilar, actually.
19:08And then, of course,
19:09there's Assistant Chief Constable Philippa Legland.
19:12Mm, yes, my mum.
19:13Mum.
19:14Ooh, mum, mum.
19:15Hang on.
19:16Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum,
19:19mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum...
19:21They sent you here and you are counting on us to kick you out.
19:24We get it.
19:25So I'm the one here for the wrong reasons?
19:27Let's get this done.
19:28Oh, I'm afraid not.
19:29You see, your mother called me this morning,
19:31told me you might be a bit tricksy.
19:33Did you tell her to do one?
19:34No, I did not.
19:35Your mother is superior to me.
19:36She has great legs, but you have a lovely smile.
19:40I don't like smart arses.
19:42What sort of arses do you like?
19:44This isn't going to work.
19:46I could be way more annoying than you, little boy.
19:50Game on.
19:52Big girl.
20:04Well, congratulations.
20:06We have all made it to the end of day one.
20:10Now, earlier this morning,
20:12I said that one of you was here for the wrong reasons.
20:14I lied.
20:16You are all here for the wrong reasons.
20:20You might think that you can single-handedly solve crime,
20:23chase bad guys across rooftops,
20:25get back at everyone who bullied you at school.
20:27Well, guess what?
20:29You are here to become police officers with one motivation only,
20:33and that is to protect the public
20:36whilst never forgetting that you are members of the public yourself.
20:40Now, if you can do this job,
20:42each and every one of you will have my respect.
20:45Apart from Recruit 718,
20:47who, it turns out, is a member of a far-right organisation.
20:50Where are you?
20:52He's there.
20:54Right, go on, get your stuff, fuck off.
20:57I just want to say I've let you all down and I apologise.
21:01And I want to wish you all the best in your future careers.
21:04That's really sad.
21:06Steph, he's an actual Nazi.
21:08Oh, shit, yes.
21:14Breaking news.
21:16The Atlantic has an ulterior motive.
21:18No, no, no, I've done that, I've just made a speech.
21:20Forget the speech.
21:22This is actually a thing.
21:24We've got a prune in the nest.
21:26Jesus!
21:28Briefing 0800 tomorrow.
21:30Copy that.
21:32Ah, I can see you're scoping out all of our raw materials,
21:37ready to be fashioned into a...
21:40into a flower vase of law enforcement, or even a teapot.
21:44We have a prune in the nest.
21:46Ah, this prune's good news?
21:48Oh, no, of course not.
21:50Who wants a prune in the nest?
21:52Might as well have a duck in the cupboard or a bun in the shoe.
21:55Informant.
21:57Yes, well, my updated directory of confusing police slang
22:00must have got lost in the post.
22:02Ah, right, well, here, have mine.
22:05Thank you.
22:10Just keep an eye out.
22:12Must be something very subtle.
22:21Police, get in.
22:34Come on, scrubber, you're not giving your nan a bed bath.
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