The.Cleaner.2021.S03E04
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00:00Your jobs are just getting weirder.
00:03A lighthouse?
00:05A lighthouse off the coast of Ireland.
00:07And get this, I don't even have to clean any blood up.
00:10One of the lighthouse keepers went missing.
00:12They think he fell off a cliff.
00:13All they want me to do is clean his bedroom out
00:15because it's upsetting the other keeper.
00:17You're not going on your own?
00:18Oh, love, you won't survive.
00:19What are you on about?
00:20I thrive on my own.
00:22I'm like that fish we saw in Attenborough.
00:24The angler fish, yeah.
00:26I'm the urban angler fish.
00:29My prediction is that you'll be texting me within a day
00:34because you're bricking it.
00:37Well, I won't, and you know why?
00:39You're the urban angler fish.
00:41Yeah, I know, sweetheart.
00:46Oh, Ireland.
01:00Oh, Ireland.
01:11Really? Really?
01:18Lance, I'm trying to have a moment out here.
01:21Sorry about that.
01:22It's just a wee tradition we have here on the Merry Bow.
01:25You've done it four times now.
01:27I must be initiated.
01:29That's fair enough.
01:31You get out there with the ocean.
01:34You ask the questions you need the answers to.
01:37She'll give you what you need.
01:39You're never alone on the sea.
01:58It's fine. That's fine!
02:01Hey!
02:22Remember, you're cut off until we return.
02:26I want to be.
02:29We pass back here sun up on Monday.
02:31Don't miss pick-up.
02:39That's right, Captain.
02:40I took my pants off.
02:42See you Monday.
02:57Hello, solitude, my old friend.
03:01Huh?
03:03The urban angler fish.
03:05He takes nutrition from his environment.
03:11Son.
03:15Hello, my majestic friend.
03:17May the herring be plentiful today.
03:21I'm not sure I'm going to be able to catch you.
03:25I give the seaweed a miss.
03:27It's gross.
03:38Ah, you again.
03:55Why would anyone put a pan of fish on there?
04:03Hey, hey, hey, hey!
04:14Cole.
04:24Hey.
04:47Hey, bud.
04:48Hey.
04:49You'll have the door off its hinges.
04:52Sorry, were you not just up there?
04:54How did you...?
04:56You're bleeding.
04:57Oh, yeah.
04:59It was a seagull.
05:00No!
05:02You mustn't anger the gulls.
05:05They're sacred here.
05:07Oh.
05:08I think it was just going for a fish.
05:10I'm fine, honestly. It's nothing.
05:11Nothing?
05:13Nothing means nothing here.
05:16Yeah.
05:19Oh!
05:22Come along.
05:36I told you I was coming.
05:39I'm the crime scene cleaner.
05:41Crime scene? Where's the crime?
05:43I've never been to a lighthouse before.
05:45I was quite relieved there were no talking animals running around.
05:47Oh.
05:49You remember Fraggle Rock?
05:51How did that theme tune go?
05:53If you sing a single word from that theme tune,
05:56I swear by all that is holy, I will take a knot and rope to you.
06:00Well, I do not like the sound of that.
06:03So, you're the one that's been charged
06:06to erase the memory of Patrick O'Malley, huh?
06:09Oh.
06:11Yeah, I just think the police thought it would be helpful.
06:13Oh, to forget my only companion of 30 years?
06:17To deny a hurt that gnaws away at my very soul?
06:22Oh.
06:24Does it hurt?
06:26Huh?
06:28Oh.
06:29Yeah, it does sting a bit.
06:31Oh.
06:33Seems that Patrick's friends do not want him to be cleaned away, doesn't it?
06:37What? The seagulls?
06:39That's who he has run.
06:44This is not like Fraggle Rock at all.
06:51Can I go up the lighthouse at some point?
06:53The Keeper is the only one permitted in the Light Room.
06:57Oh.
06:58OK.
07:00It's a shame, cos, well, it sounds silly,
07:03but, er, do you ever do one of those Shadow Rabbits?
07:07Er...
07:10I saw his room.
07:22Cosy.
07:23It's as he left it.
07:25Right.
07:26Well, I will be respectful and I'll put things right.
07:32Where will I be sleeping?
07:34Here.
07:35Is that a problem?
07:37It's not a problem.
07:42In the dead man's room with the creepy drawings?
07:44No.
07:45No, that's...
07:46I want that.
07:50I'm sorry about your friend's passing.
07:52Passing? Was there a body?
07:53They said that would have washed out to sea when he fell off the cliffs.
07:56Swept out to sea? He was in his bed, boy.
08:00I can't, I'm dear.
08:02There's no blood.
08:04LAUGHTER
08:07Do you know how the eagle haunts fish?
08:10I'm about to find out, aren't I?
08:12It clocks them from the ocean,
08:14drives its talons through the fish's back.
08:17The flight to the nest is short
08:19and the fish, gasping for breath, will usually survive.
08:23And it's there, high in the treetops,
08:26that its wet eye watches on in horror as the eagle eats it alive.
08:31Fucking nature.
08:34Saltwater. Huh?
08:36You're going to need to bathe that bite in saltwater for the infection.
08:40You should go down to the cove in the morning, let's say 8am.
08:45Sorry, you don't think your friend was taken by a massive eagle, right?
08:49Of course he wasn't.
08:51Thank God for that.
08:53But I didn't say he wasn't taken.
08:59I suppose you'll be taking photographs, multiple photographs,
09:02of a lost man's room, something to titillate the world wide web.
09:05I'll take a couple for my boss.
09:07No, no, you do what you have to do. You tell who you have to tell.
09:11MUSIC PLAYS
09:31Of course, no bloody signal.
09:41No, Ruth, I'm not missing you.
09:51So, er...
09:53Have you been here for a long time?
09:5530 somewhere since.
09:57Blimey. And your friend?
09:59Keeper's mate. Patrick O'Malley was the Keeper's mate
10:02and he was with me throughout.
10:04Blimey. You must have got through some box sets, eh?
10:07Mm. You've got Netflix, have you?
10:09Patrick and I did not need the light box for company.
10:12Christ, what did you do for entertainment?
10:14Oh, I see. You write in a book, are we?
10:16Or a newspaper article about the secrets of the island?
10:19Go right ahead.
10:21But if I see it written anywhere that we were sleeping in the same bed,
10:26I will find you and I will beat you with a steel pole.
10:30Steel pole? What happened to the knotted rope?
10:33I'm just here to clean. Calm down.
10:35Calm down?
10:38What did you mean, though,
10:40when you said, they're not happy with me?
10:43His friends? Are we talking about seagulls?
10:46Why do you think they are the only sacred birds on the island, eh?
10:51The souls of dead seamen have to go somewhere.
10:56Oh, come on, don't be daft.
10:58Funny, isn't it?
11:00I suppose the isolation finally got to me, did it?
11:03It drove me crazy.
11:05Oh, this is going on your online Internet blog, is it?
11:12Lost my mind to the howling winds, did I?
11:15Smashed in his skull and then disposed of his body.
11:18Is that what you're thinking, is it?
11:20Well, I wasn't.
11:22A mad man who took the life of his lover?
11:25No.
11:27Sorry, were you lovers?
11:29No!
11:31You don't know the ways of the island or its rules, cleaner man.
11:35You spoke to the gulls. There's a price to be paid for that.
11:38Mark these words. Mark them!
11:40I'll mark them. I'll mark them.
11:42Finish your food.
11:48You know, this...this really is delicious, you know.
11:51There's lots of different flavours in here.
11:53I don't even know what some...
11:57Sorry, is this a beak?
11:59Only the puffins don't have beaks where you're from, boy.
12:02Puffins?
12:03Are you deaf, boy? Tis puffin mead.
12:05I don't think Chris Packham would want us eating puffins.
12:08I told you, tis only the seagulls are sacred on this island.
12:11Yeah, but why are they angry?
12:14Because they know when someone is going to be taken away.
12:18Who do you think took him?
12:20Who or what?
12:27The Olifast.
12:29What's the Olifast?
12:30A deadly sea beast.
12:32The Olifast always leaves one behind to tell the tale of its existence.
12:37But there are two of us.
12:41Sleep well. You'll need your sleep tonight.
12:45Were you recording that in your little phone?
12:49No. Why would I?
12:57The Olifast comes at night.
13:00It can't be stopped.
13:03But it always leaves one behind.
13:06The dead souls of fishermen turn to seagulls' form to warn the living of the Olifast.
13:27The Olifast
13:34High five.
13:56The Olifast
14:02The Olifast
14:24The Olifast
14:32The Olifast
14:35Shallow rabbits.
14:56Where the hell are you going?
14:58Only the keeper is permitted in the lightroom, I told you.
15:01I wasn't going to...
15:05Can you stop tapping my bike?
15:07Just do your job and leave.
15:10Hey, why were you outside in the rain last night?
15:14The power lines. Sometimes the wind blows them down.
15:18We can't let darkness back in here.
15:20Not again.
15:22Saltwater, remember?
15:25We set the cove, 8am.
15:27Yeah.
15:46I barely slept, mate.
15:48But I swear, I will knock you the fuck out.
15:58The Olifast
16:08It is in your mind.
16:10The Olifast
16:21No!
16:22No!
16:23No!
16:25Shit!
16:26It's an Olifast!
16:29The Olifast
16:39What? It can't be it.
16:41I thought it was an urban myth.
16:45I can't do it.
16:47I can't put this on my lips.
16:58The Olifast
17:07Ridiculous.
17:09Sorry.
17:10There was no need for me to behave like that.
17:13It's hard.
17:14Having company again.
17:19Oh, Jesus.
17:22Well.
17:25Who is this pretty little maid come to call?
17:28It's a bloody health and safety disaster, this island.
17:30To pluck but one kiss from those cherry lips.
17:33I suppose the jellyfish that did this was trying to teach me something, was it?
17:36Jellyfish, eh? Well, you're doing the right thing.
17:39Do you think?
17:40Mm.
17:41OK.
17:42I wasn't sure if it was just an old wives' tale, but it does...
17:45Drinking your way through the pen.
17:47I know a few old wives have done that.
17:49And I will not let a good man drink whisky alone.
17:53Oh!
17:55No, I don't...
17:57I don't think that's a good idea, actually.
17:59When is it a bad idea?
18:00High five!
18:02Let's bury the hatchet, eh?
18:04You know what I think the old lips need?
18:05A bit of bed rest.
18:06Yes, a few of these.
18:08You'll forget you even have lips at all.
18:10Sláinte!
18:12Yes!
18:13Are you not drinking yours?
18:15Well?
18:16Oh, come on, boy, get her down here.
18:18Oh, she'll go.
18:20She'll go down all right.
18:22Soon.
18:24Look, if you're not going to drink...
18:26Hey, hey, hey!
18:27You won't take my drink?
18:28Well, get her down here, then, boy.
18:29Here she goes.
18:30Come on!
18:31No, straight down!
18:32Drink up your medicine, all of it.
18:34Go, go, go.
18:35Oh, a sip.
18:36Finish it.
18:37A sip is enough sometimes.
18:38Finish it.
18:39Oh!
18:40OK.
18:41Go, go.
18:42Oh, oh, oh, oh.
18:44Oh, oh, oh, oh.
18:45Oh, oh, oh, oh.
18:47Oh, oh, oh, oh, boy, yeah!
18:49Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
18:51Of course, you know the cure for jellyfish stings.
18:54Mmm.
18:56Only too well, my friend.
18:58Only too well.
19:00And let me tell you, the aftertaste...
19:02Kelp.
19:03Kelp!
19:04That's the cure.
19:06Why haven't they put kelp in the book?
19:17Kelp.
19:18Lovely kelp.
19:31We used to sit like this for hours, slouching.
19:34Yes.
19:35Talking.
19:36Singing.
19:37Proper songs, too.
19:39Traditional shanty.
19:40Oh, well, I'd love to hear a traditional shanty.
19:43No, I couldn't.
19:44Now, please.
19:45Oh, sir, my voice is gone.
19:46Just one.
19:47Well, all right.
19:48Let's see what we can do.
19:49Ahem.
19:50Oh.
19:51Ahem.
19:52Oh.
19:53Ahem.
19:54Oh, mummy, speak to me.
19:55What will we have for tea?
19:57For sure my belly's rumbling, and I can barely see.
20:02His mother turned around.
20:04She slumped down to the ground.
20:07You can't be fed.
20:08Your daddy's dead.
20:09His boat has run aground.
20:11Now I must walk the streets, for strangers I will meet.
20:15To sell my wretched body for to try and buy us meat.
20:20Bloody hell, mate.
20:21Keep it light, will you?
20:23They all starved to death in the end.
20:27That was one of O'Malley's favourites.
20:30I loved that one.
20:32Hoo.
20:35Do you think you should get off the island for a while?
20:38I can't.
20:39Come back to the mainland with me.
20:41Get some perspective.
20:42There's a bloke down my local pub called Weasel.
20:44He can get four packs of Maltesers in his mouth.
20:46You're the one who should leave.
20:48It only comes here when there's two men.
20:51It?
20:52The Ollie thingy?
20:53The Ollie Feist.
20:54Yes, the sea beast that came and took O'Malley,
20:57and we don't know where he is, but he's going to come back as a seagull.
21:00Correct.
21:01And the Ollie Feist's angry now because I've come,
21:03and he's going to come and take one of us.
21:06You don't believe in anything you don't understand, do you?
21:09No.
21:10Because all mysteries get explained in the end.
21:13So what did you see in the cove this morning?
21:19Aha.
21:20Well, I thought I saw a woman with a tail sitting on a rock,
21:23but obviously that's impossible.
21:25I did not see a mermaid.
21:27Did you not?
21:28No, because one, they don't exist,
21:30and two, it didn't look like a mermaid.
21:32And how would the big long cleaner boy from the city know what a mermaid looks like?
21:36Oh, come on. We've all seen Splash.
21:38Mermaids are fit.
21:39I'm not sexist, but she was rough.
21:43Oh.
21:47It's coming.
21:48It's coming for me.
21:50The only thing coming for us is a bad hangover.
21:53Get you to your room.
21:54Stay there until sunrise.
21:57Do not come out, no matter what you hear.
21:59Mate, it's ridiculous.
22:03Well, I hope you're still laughing as the blood fills your mouth
22:06from the crushing weight of its mighty jaw.
22:12No.
22:24Look.
22:26Look.
22:28Do you like my sexy old man bottle?
22:30It's all over.
22:32Safety.
22:33Useless.
22:35No.
22:36The only first.
22:37The only first always leaves the one behind.
22:41Why?
22:46It's here.
22:47What the...
22:48Get up.
22:49Huh?
22:50The only first, it's here.
22:52Let's cut the power lines.
22:54Quickly.
22:56Mate, this is madness.
22:57There is no only first.
22:59The light is out.
23:00It's bitten through the wires.
23:01Yeah.
23:02Well, it'll be a fault, won't it?
23:03Radio the mainland.
23:04No, I am going to try and fix it.
23:05You need to go up to the light room to flip the trip.
23:07Oh.
23:08I am in the light room.
23:10I may not be back.
23:12Pray for me.
23:13If that light does not come on again,
23:15the boat connecting you in the morning may be dashed on the rocks.
23:19It's probably a fuse, isn't it?
23:21I'll radio the mainland.
23:22Jesus.
23:24Ah, breaker one nine.
23:25What's your twenty for an eyeball, good buddy?
23:27Come on.
23:32What's going on?
23:33What the fuck?
23:35I have to face it for Patrick.
23:37If the olive fish takes me, it will leave you.
23:40It always leaves one.
23:41You'll be fine.
23:42If you see Patrick, tell him I'll join him soon.
23:51I'm awake.
24:05Fuck.
24:10I don't even know what a trip switch looks like, you old goon.
24:35Fuck.
24:45Oh, God.
24:47Oh, God.
25:05Oh, God.
25:28To you, Patrick.
25:30Perhaps a lesser night.
25:34Fuck.
25:39It was only down by the sea that I worked it out.
25:42You set all this up.
25:43You staged the myth of the olifaged.
25:45There's no myth.
25:47Mate, you don't think that O'Bally was taken by the olifaged.
25:52He was.
25:53I heard his screams.
25:55Because you were pissed.
25:57No.
25:58Well, if it's real, why are you pretending to be him?
26:01Why all this pantomime?
26:02Because no one would believe me.
26:05The police, coroner.
26:07I even had a reporter sniffing around.
26:10They don't listen.
26:12They just wrote him off.
26:14Fell off a cliff, case closed.
26:17So you thought you'd plant some evidence for the non-believer.
26:22Bad things happen to good people for no reason.
26:27He was my friend.
26:30He fell off a cliff.
26:31No, he didn't. He didn't. He didn't.
26:33Never a strong man like that swept away by a little wind.
26:37Never.
26:38Not to a lighthouse man.
26:42Maybe you're right.
26:43Just tell them.
26:47Tell anyone what happened here.
26:50Tell them that the olifest took away my friend.
26:54You know, I really think you could get it onto that Netflix
26:57or a podcast on the World Wide Web.
27:00Yeah?
27:01I thought you didn't have a telly.
27:03I have an iPad up my room.
27:05I turned off the Wi-Fi when you arrived.
27:11Just tell them.
27:13Promise me.
27:15There's a pub near Birmingham
27:17that's about to hear of the mysterious disappearance
27:20of Patrick O'Malley.
27:22I promise.
27:24And you were right.
27:26You were right.
27:29She was a fine-looking mermaid.
27:31You looked beautiful.
27:56I love you.
28:26I love you.