At Blakey's behest a two-way radio system is installed in the drivers' cabs,meaning that the depot can hear what is going on in the cabs at all times - not a very popular idea with Jack and Stan. However,when they pull two conductresses,one of whom leans against the radio switch,turning it on, Blakey hears the sweet nothings Stan is telling her and assumes that they are meant for him.
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00:22Come on, Blakey, for God's sake, let's have it, what is it all about?
00:26We want to get home, mate!
00:27If you'll all keep quiet for a moment, I'll explain.
00:29Well, it's already...
00:30Hold up there! Silence!
00:32The Führer wants to speak.
00:36Let's have a bit of respect, shall we?
00:38Well, Hitler won't mind, he's dead.
00:41Tweet.
00:43The company have decided to remove the basic causes of delays on the buses.
00:48Marvellous, we're not going to carry any more passengers.
00:51No, I tell you what, they're going to get rid of him.
00:54Tweet.
00:55The company, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that each bus will have two-way radio installed in its cab.
01:02Well, what's that got to do with us conductors, then?
01:04Well, if anything happens to the driver, the conductor will still be there to get through to the base, won't he?
01:09Right.
01:10And the first bus to have one installed will be your number 11, the bus to the cemetery gates.
01:16Well, why pick on us, then?
01:18Because a time and motion survey has shown it to be the slowest and most unpunctual in the whole town, that's why.
01:24Oh, blimey, mate, you should see the traffic from the high street to the cemetery gates. It's packed, mate.
01:29It's got nothing to do with it. The survey shows that the hearses are getting there before you.
01:35Blimey, mate, they don't have to stop to pick up passengers.
01:39Well, only one, and he couldn't care less where he's going.
01:45Listen to this, will you?
01:46Each bus will be fitted with a two-way radio receiver like this. Thank you, Miss Woodhall.
01:50Now, then, there will be a central control in my office there, manned by Miss Woodhall, who will serve directly under me.
02:00Now, this is the basic two-way receiver. You have to learn the controls.
02:04That is the on position, that is the off. That's known as the on-off button, right?
02:08I'm glad you told us that, otherwise we wouldn't have known.
02:13Now, then, when you hear me call...
02:21...you will acknowledge by lifting up the microphone here and pressing the button on the left there like that.
02:26So, right? Now, before you can use this apparatus, you have to learn a code to identify yourself.
02:31Well, what code's that, then?
02:32Just a moment, Miss Woodhall. Thank you.
02:34Now, then, this code here is used to avoid any confusion whatsoever over the air.
02:41A for Abel, B for Bertie, C for Charlie...
02:44Guys, I'm concerned C only stands for one thing.
02:46What's that?
02:47Crumpet.
02:51D for Georgie.
02:53H for Hotel.
02:55I for Idol. That's you two.
02:58J for Juliet.
02:59J for Juliet, K for Katie.
03:01Oh, Sam!
03:03You have to go on repeating those words over and over again.
03:06Mind you, I find it a lot more stimulating than his usual conversation.
03:10Well, I don't know why he has to learn them all.
03:12I've told you before, Mum. We're having radio control in the cabs and I've got to learn these codes.
03:17Oh, for instance, you don't understand it, do you?
03:19No.
03:20If I was referring to Olive, I'd call her Oscar.
03:22Well, I don't think that's very nice. Calling Olive Oscar.
03:25I don't know. I think it suits her rather well.
03:30Look, you haven't got it at all, have you?
03:32No.
03:33Look, her name's Olive and it's spelled O-L-I-V-E, right?
03:36Right.
03:37So, in the code, I'd say Oscar, Love, Idol, Victor, Easy.
03:41Eh?
03:42Sounds most appropriate.
03:43Oh, shit.
03:45What would Arthur be?
03:46Do you really want me to tell you?
03:47Stan?
03:48Now, let me see then. A-R-T-H.
03:50Now, he would be, uh, Abel Romeo.
03:53Him? Abel Romeo?
03:55That's a laugh for a start.
03:57Yeah, well, it's rather difficult being a Romeo when you happen to be married to a woman who happens to be an Oscar.
04:04Come on, Stan. Love, eat up. Your stew is getting all cold.
04:07Anyway, I think the whole thing is rather childish.
04:11Bussman's code?
04:12I mean, why don't you just learn to speak the message properly?
04:16Besides, it could easily be misunderstood.
04:21I mean, if I had to report a bad fog, I would say, here we are,
04:28I would say, rightly Abel's out,
04:31ready Oscar's off to get on with his yo-yo,
04:35and that makes it clear.
04:38What a lot of rot you do talk. I didn't catch a single word of that.
04:42Oh, well, shut up.
04:45Let me get on with it. Here we are.
04:47Abel Romeo, S for sugar, T for, uh...
04:51I can't see that here.
04:53T for tomato.
04:55I can't remember tomato, innit?
04:58Tomato ketchup, mate. You also got a bit of G for gravy and S for stew.
05:04What does all that mean, then?
05:06He's a messy eater.
05:08Oh, shut your face.
05:10It's T for tango, that's it.
05:12I knew it wasn't tomato. T for tango.
05:14I'm going to practice on you now, Mum.
05:16Mum, would you mind passing me the Romeo Oscar love-loves?
05:20Eh?
05:21You haven't got it, see?
05:22No.
05:23Romeo Oscar love-loves. That's the roles.
05:26Oh, well, I don't think that's decent.
05:29I'm not going into Baker's asking for that anyway.
05:31I don't see what difference this is going to make to the bus service.
05:34Well, I couldn't be much worse than I are now.
05:36I mean, you stand there for an hour in a queue,
05:38then you get a dozen buses all following one behind the other.
05:41Yeah, well, there's a reason for that, mate, and it's very technical.
05:44Eh, what's that?
05:45Well, the bloke in front's the only one who knows the way.
05:49You may laugh, mate. You may laugh.
05:52I mean, you're the driver. You always get a seat, don't you?
05:54Yeah.
05:55I mean, you're crammed in there in a rush, eh?
05:57You're stacked together like cattle.
05:59Oh, yes, he's right, love. Packed like sardines, it's not decent.
06:02Well, only the other day a man tried to pinch me.
06:06Eh? You should have gone for him, Mark.
06:09I did. He said he was fumbling for his change.
06:14It wasn't his change he was fumbling for.
06:18That's quite right. There was a man on the number nine bus.
06:21He kept touching me. He was after me, all right.
06:24I had witnesses.
06:25You should have reported him. He could have got three months.
06:28Well, if I'd been after her, he'd have been found guilty but insane.
06:34You should have complained to the conductor.
06:36He was a real nasty type.
06:38He put his hand down on the seat just as I was about to sit down
06:41and I sat down on it. It was a terrible shock.
06:44I bet it was. Must have broken his wrist.
06:48Move, move, kids. Alice!
06:51Don't start on each other. Leave your brother alone.
06:53Yeah, pick on someone your own size.
06:56I'll shout for a lot of you. Let me learn this, will you?
06:58Right. F for Freddy. G for Georgie. H for hospital.
07:04Blimey! Blimey, mate!
07:06Look, I don't know why you bother.
07:08I mean, why don't you learn yourself to speak properly?
07:11My stance speaks lovely.
07:13Oh, don't talk wet. Your voice types you, mate.
07:16In this country, you can tell what a man is immediately he opens his mouth.
07:20Oh, can you, can you? Here, well, just a minute now.
07:22What about that lovely poem you recited at school?
07:26Yeah. Yeah.
07:27The rackety Hesperus.
07:29Yes.
07:31My dear man, that word is Hesperus.
07:35I mean, how are you going to be understood over the radio if you continue to drop your H's?
07:40You're a snob. That's what you are.
07:42I can speak properly if I want to.
07:44All right, all right. Repeat after me.
07:47Hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to handsome Harold's hunting horn.
07:55It's a piece of cake, mate!
07:57Go on, then. Go on.
07:59Hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to handsome Harold's hunting horn.
08:05How about that, then?
08:06There you are. There you are.
08:08Look, you dropped an H on hardly.
08:10But he picked it up on heather.
08:13No! You shut up now.
08:16Now, whether you like it or not, I've got to learn this go.
08:19So, filter. A for A.
08:21D for Dirty.
08:22D for Dirty.
08:23Pressure Oscar.
08:24Overall, hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to handsome Harold's hunting horn.
08:29Hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to handsome Harold's hunting horn.
08:35Handsome Harold's hunting horn.
08:38Oi!
08:39Who the hell's handsome Harold?
08:42I was just brushing up on the code, mate.
08:44We've got to get it right for our first radio trip, don't we?
08:46It's a bloody nuisance.
08:48It's not, you know. We've got company.
08:51Have we? Who?
08:52Yeah, Joyce and Edna. They're coming with us.
08:54Sort of training.
08:55They're thinking of issuing them with new equipment.
08:59Well, I don't see why. Their old equipment looks good enough to me.
09:04Here's ten.
09:05When we turn around at the cemetery gates, we'll have them to ourselves for 20 minutes.
09:10Hello, darlings.
09:12Welcome aboard a number of Neverminders.
09:14Jack, Jack, Jack.
09:15Get aboard. I'll tell them we're leaving. Hurry up.
09:17Here, mate. Get your hand off that radio.
09:19The way you're acting, you'll probably blow a fuse.
09:23Hello. Hello. Control here.
09:25Calling Sugar Bertie 11.
09:27Are you receiving me?
09:28This is the final check before leaving. Over.
09:30Hey, who's Sugar Bertie?
09:33That's me.
09:35I'm Sugar Bertie.
09:37Sugar Bertie.
09:38S-B stands for Stan Butler. Sugar Bertie. That's me.
09:41Sugar Bertie.
09:44All right, that'll suit you, dear.
09:46Go and sit in the dimples.
09:48Hello.
09:49Sugar Bertie. Sugar Bertie.
09:51Are you receiving me? Over.
09:53Sugar Bertie to Control.
09:55I'm ready to leave the depot. Over.
09:57Sugar Bertie 11, why aren't you acknowledging me? Over.
10:01I am acknowledging you. Over.
10:08Sugar Bertie 11, why aren't you answering me?
10:11Sugar Bertie 11 here, I am answering you. Over.
10:14Well, why aren't I receiving you then? Over.
10:17Because you had the door shut. Over.
10:22Look, go back inside and I'll start again.
10:28Oh, there's no time now. Sugar Bertie 11, you're clear. Over.
10:31Okay, Control.
10:33Here, just a minute. Don't go yet.
10:36I just found out why it wasn't working.
10:38What's that then?
10:40I didn't have the switch pressed down.
10:43Look, I'll show you.
10:45Oi!
10:46Oi!
10:47Oi!
10:51Oh, that's it.
10:52Here you are, darling.
10:53Oh, thank you.
10:54Do you want one of my maroons?
10:55No, thanks. I've not just now.
10:56Oh, right.
10:57Right, I'll just get back to Control and tell Blake we've arrived at the cemetery gates.
11:01Right.
11:02Here, Stan. Here.
11:03What?
11:04Tell him we won't be here for another ten minutes.
11:05What are you talking about? We're here.
11:07Here, give us more time to chat up the birds, see?
11:12You've got your head screwed on by now.
11:17Sugar Bertie 11. Sugar Bertie 11 to Control. Over.
11:25Hello? Control here. Come in Sugar Bertie.
11:28Where are you? What is your position?
11:31We're stuck in the traffic jam at Acker Street.
11:34We won't be at the cemetery gates for another twenty minutes.
11:38Over.
11:39Message received, Sugar Bertie. Over.
11:43See?
11:44The system works.
11:46I know exactly where they are.
11:51These'll keep me in order.
11:55Message received 11.42, Miss Woodhall. Right.
11:59Hello, Sugar Bertie. Proceed to the cemetery gates.
12:03Wait there for seven minutes.
12:05When you're ready to leave, call me back. Over.
12:10Oh, bloody mate, I did it.
12:13It worked a treat.
12:14Yeah, look, I'll be chatting up Joyce, so if it's all yours, you lucky bee, she fancies you.
12:19Yeah, yeah, you sure, I'm sure.
12:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:21Look, you take her off somewhere and I'll get in the bus with my bit.
12:26Hang on. Blimey, you've got all the bus.
12:30This is a cemetery, you know.
12:33What am I supposed to do, snog her up against one of the tombstones?
12:38Listen, mate, inside of the bus is my pitch. You've got the cab.
12:41What can I do inside a cab?
12:43Well, use your imagination.
12:52Yeah, well, we've just been up to Blakey. There's no hurry.
12:55Edna, love.
12:56Yeah?
12:57We've got another ten minutes. I thought I'd like you to come in.
13:00I'll show you how to work the radio in the cab, if you like.
13:02Yeah, all right. Then come in, Joyce.
13:03You're joking. I think I'll stay here. I'll go inside with Jack.
13:08Go on.
13:10Yeah, well, I'll take off my ticket machine, then.
13:14You'll have to get inside, love, you see, because I can't show you outside.
13:18Oh, all right, then. Give us a hand up.
13:20Right-o, love.
13:21Oh, excuse fingers.
13:25I'll have to get inside, darling, because it's a bit...
13:29You'll be squeezing it.
13:30Oh, look at that. The door's shut behind me.
13:34You've never been in a driving suit before?
13:36No, I've never had a passenger before, to tell you the truth.
13:39Here, hold on, Stan. You're squashing me.
13:42Yeah, well, I can't help it, darling, because it's only...
13:44Oh, look, I tell you what. Look, put your arm round there.
13:47See what I mean? More room for us, then, you see.
13:50What's that hissing noise?
13:52Well, that's the radio. It's got to be kept on all the time, you see.
13:55Do you mean he can hear everything we're saying?
13:58No, no, no. No, he can get through to us any time he likes,
14:00but, you see, he can't hear me until I press the switch on the microphone.
14:04Oh, yeah.
14:07Yeah, yeah.
14:15I think it's about time I checked to see whether that number 11 got the cemetery gates yet.
14:19Thank you.
14:22Marvellous, this system, you know, Miss Woodall.
14:25I can check on them any time I like.
14:29I thought of this, you know.
14:32Hello? Control here, calling Sugar Bertie 11.
14:35Are you receiving me? Where are you? What is your position?
14:38Are you receiving me?
14:40Lovely.
14:44Sugar Bertie 11, are you there yet? Over.
14:48Not yet. I don't work that fast.
14:52Oh, Stan!
14:54Sugar Bertie! Sugar Bertie!
14:56Are you sure he can't hear us?
14:58Of course he can't, darling. Not until I put the switch down on the microphone.
15:02I've got to show you how it works, anyway. Here we go, look.
15:05Now, I've got it like this, you see. Right.
15:07Press the button down like this, watch.
15:10Sugar Bertie 11 to Control. Over.
15:13Sugar Bertie 11, Control here.
15:15Listen, but you keep in closer contact, you understand? Over.
15:18Yeah, the closer the better.
15:22We've arrived at the cemetery gates.
15:24No, don't, no, don't, don't, don't.
15:26Don't, don't, don't.
15:30Oh, it's just a bit of local interference.
15:34That's very funny. None of the other busmen have had any of that.
15:37You're not having my luck. Over and out.
15:40Oh, dear, are you positive he can't hear?
15:43Oh, how many more times have I got to tell you, darling?
15:46Of course he can't, not until you put the switch down.
15:49Now, look, sweetheart, we've only got another seven minutes.
15:52Oh, come on.
15:54Oh, I'm all for this radio control, you know.
15:57Now, this is what I call radio back here.
16:00Hello? Hello?
16:02That was Butler's voice. Hello? Are you receiving me?
16:05Are you receiving me? Over.
16:07You know, you see, you get lonely in a cab, you know.
16:11And do you know something?
16:15I fancied you.
16:16The first time I saw you in a Depot, I fancied you.
16:19And you were lovely-eyed.
16:21You weren't real, Ian, though, because you're different, you see.
16:24Yeah. I bet you've got a lot of boyfriends, ain't you?
16:31Oh, Stan, give over talking. Give us another kiss.
16:40I'll pick up that bus on the way back.
16:42Come on, Ed, break it up.
16:44Ah, bloody, what's the matter now?
16:46Ah, there's some passengers who want to get on.
16:48Oh, ain't it marvellous, eh?
16:50If it wasn't for the passengers, this would be a decent sort of a job.
16:53Come on, love.
16:54Here, Stan, can you get any music on that radio of yours?
16:57No, of course you can't.
16:58Oh, yes, you can.
16:59A bloke at a Depot showed me how to do it.
17:01You got a nail file, Doc?
17:02We can do it. It's quite easy.
17:03All you do is shove it in the back there.
17:04Hey! Listen, mate, I'm responsible for that, you know.
17:07That's all right.
17:08Well, don't mess about.
17:09Delta Tango 14, are you receiving me?
17:12Delta Tango 14, are you receiving me? Over.
17:15Hey, that must be one of our blokes on the 14 route.
17:19Delta Tango 14, are you receiving me? Over.
17:25Oh, he's got his la-di-da voice, hasn't he?
17:27Let's see if we can chat with him.
17:29Sugar Bernie 11 here, are you receiving me, Number 14? Over.
17:33Delta Tango 14, we are going to Chicago via London, New York and Boston. Over.
17:39Ha!
17:43Sugar Bernie to Tango.
17:45If you take my advice, mate, you go to the gasworks by the ice cream.
17:49Otherwise, they'll get me out of here.
17:51Delta Tango 14, will you get off my wavelength, please?
17:54Otherwise, I report you to Central Control. Over.
17:57Cheeky devil. Go on, give him a mouthful.
17:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:01Sugar Tango here, you can go and get Sugar Tango Uncle Freddy Freddy Easy Delta.
18:09Delta Tango 14, what code are you using? Over.
18:12The busman's code, of course. Over.
18:16Delta Tango 14. Delta Tango 14.
18:20Where are you? What is your height? What is your height?
18:23You better keep clear of me. What is your height? Over.
18:25Five foot two in me socks. What's yours?
18:31Delta Tango 14, will you get off my wavelength?
18:34I'm coming in for my final approach. Over.
18:36Final approach? Blimey, that's not a bus, that's a plane.
18:39I can't get aeroplanes on here.
18:41Look, he's up there, look, mate.
18:43Blimey, he is, too.
18:45Look at him.
18:47Hey, look, that's what the Delta Tango is, you see?
18:50DT on his wings, see?
18:52Quick, get this back to normal.
18:54All right, shut up.
18:56Sugar Bertie 11, are you receiving me? Please acknowledge. Over.
19:00That's it, that's it, that's it.
19:01Yeah, I'll twiddle it and get her better than that.
19:03Oh, no you won't, mate.
19:04Blimey, first you get aeroplanes, next you'll have the police, the ambulance and the lifeboat from Beachy Head.
19:08Get going.
19:09Come on, then.
19:29Hang about, hang about. I'm going to have a word with your driver.
19:32Butler? What?
19:33What do you mean by sending out them filthy messages over the radio?
19:36It's not a toy, you know.
19:37What are you talking about?
19:39Oh, oh, yeah.
19:41Blimey, I was only joking.
19:43Joking? You said I had nice eyes.
19:47Well, if I said that, mate, I must have been joking.
19:50You also said you fancied me.
19:53I'm reporting you for that, Butler.
19:55No busman's ever said anything like that to me before.
19:58You must be using the wrong sort of soap.
20:01Control, Central Control, calling Sugar Bertie 11.
20:04Sugar Bertie 11, Sugar Bertie 11, over.
20:07There's a burst water main in Market Street, and he's diverted to avoid hold-up.
20:12Hello, did you hear that, Blakey?
20:14You got any passions on board?
20:15No, I slung them off at the last stop.
20:17Right, turn left into Agley Street and get a move on.
20:19Hang on, hang on, I don't know that district very well.
20:22I'm not getting a move on, I'm taking it easy.
20:24Never mind about taking it easy or running late as it is.
20:26You get a move on, I'm getting on the back to see you do.
20:28All right then, that's the way you want it, mate.
20:30All right then, that's it then.
20:58Jack, are you all right, mate, are you all right?
21:13What do you want to go and do that for?
21:16You nearly killed us.
21:18Bloody hit the top, mate.
21:19I nearly went through the windscreen.
21:21Yeah, well, what about me?
21:22I was thrown at the ground.
21:24Oh, blimey, at least you fell on something soft.
21:27Well, there's no way to argue in a toss like this.
21:29Where's Blakey?
21:30Oh, he's all right, he's upstairs.
21:32Upstairs? Have you seen the...
21:35Blakey, Blakey, are you all right?
21:45Oh, blimey, Blakey, I've got to be honest,
21:47that's the first time I've been glad to see you.
21:49You did it on purpose, didn't you?
21:51You tried to kill me.
21:53No, Blake, me, mate, it was your idea to go around that way.
21:56I mean, this ain't a single deck of bus, you know.
21:59It is now.
22:01I'll get you for this, Buckner.
22:03I'll never forget that.
22:04As long as I live, I saw that arch coming at me.
22:07I just ducked down in the nick of time.
22:10Oh, well, thank God we've got a radio on board anyway.
22:12Get in that cab, get back to base,
22:14tell them we're marooned out here stuck under a bridge.
22:16It's a good idea, but there's only one thing wrong with that.
22:18What?
22:19Radios don't work under a bridge.
22:26Right, how did it get on, Sam? What did the manager say?
22:28Oh, what could he say?
22:29I mean, it was Blakey's idea, I went around that way.
22:31So I told him it was an act of God.
22:34Well, I see they've taken the radios out of the buses, then.
22:37Yeah, yeah. Mind you, the damage, god blimey,
22:39it cost a bit. It cost about 10,000 quid.
22:4110,000? Don't be daft, mate.
22:43I mean, a whole new bus only costs 3,000.
22:45Oh, I see you haven't got the message, have you?
22:48Well, you see, our bus was stuck under that bridge harder than I thought.
22:51Oh, yeah? What do you mean?
22:53When I took the bus away, the bridge fell down.