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00:00Oh boy, the National Trash. All the news that fits. I love this stuff.
00:10Oh, look at this one. Movie star weds horse. Horse files for divorce. He said she was a real mag.
00:18Female flatfoot says she'll flatten cartoon parker.
00:21If you don't put that stupid tabloid down and get to work.
00:24If grading hadn't caught you reading the National Trash and Roll Call, we wouldn't be playing meter maids now.
00:29So help me write a ticket, huh?
00:31Huh? Oh, yeah, sure thing, Miranda. You know me, duty before honor. Once a cop, always... what were we talking about? Be right back.
00:40Listen to this. The Loch Ness Monster is running for Congress.
00:45Rabbit woman gives birth to 86, now expecting triplets. How could the other newspapers miss this great stuff?
00:51Because they're newspapers, Bonkers, and that is garbage.
00:56Garbage? Am I to believe that I am in the presence of an unbeliever? A doubting Miranda?
01:03Yes.
01:04How can you stand to miss out on all this interesting material? Like this fascinating article about me?
01:11I can't believe it. I'm not who I think I am. I never paid my union dues, my fillings transmit spy messages, and Bigfoot is my father?
01:21They must be pretty hard up for lies if they're printing trash about...
01:24Oh, no!
01:25Miranda, you have to read this. No, you can't. It's horrible.
01:29Look at this! You won't believe it!
01:31I probably won't.
01:33Psyche predicts Bonkers D. Bobcat will be kidnapped by Martians at 4.30 p.m. on...
01:41Gee, Bonkers, it's just about 4.30 now.
01:45Miranda, no! Don't say my name! They might hear you!
01:49You have to get a hold of yourself. You're going to piece them.
01:55Help! I'm beside myself!
02:01I shall never be able to look myself in the face again!
02:25Hey, watch it! I'm losing it! Not my special spot!
02:31Hey, kid, when I sell this to these damn boys back on Mars, how me rich?
02:40I mean it, Bonkers. You've got to get a grip.
02:43A Martian, huh? And I suppose he was small, with little antennas on his head.
02:48Oh, no, Sarge. He wasn't small. About my height.
02:51Average size for a creature from another world.
02:53Oh, and no antennas.
02:55Bobcat, you're making a mockery of this entire department.
03:00Well, I do my best.
03:03These kind of lies make me sick.
03:06It's no lie, Sarge. It really happened.
03:08While you were there, Miranda, tell them about all the horrible sights you saw.
03:12Well, I saw a few double-parked cars and one motorcycle in a red zone.
03:18It's just the National Trash, sir. Nobody takes it seriously.
03:22All right. But if I see his mug plastered on one more stupid scandal sheet,
03:28I'm going to have to call the police.
03:31All right. But if I see his mug plastered on one more stupid scandal sheet,
03:36I'm going to have to call the police.
03:38Stupid? Surely you're not calling one of the finest news publications of our time stupid.
03:53I think you're letting your imagination get the best of you, Bonkers.
03:57I'll have to stop reading the National Trash.
04:01Oh, look, Miranda. It's a brand-new issue.
04:04Oh, no. Zombies are making a comeback.
04:07Listen to this from an average housewife in Los Angeles.
04:10My very own cousin, twice removed.
04:12I'll take the usual, Bonkers, and step on it.
04:16Hiya, Burger Bob. How about two usuals to go?
04:20Did you catch the big news?
04:22It seems the city's being overrun by...
04:25Zombies!
04:33Where are the burgers?
04:37What about them?
04:38He's a zombie!
04:40You don't know when to quit, do you?
04:42The poor, dear, greasy fry cook I've come to know and love
04:45has become an undead, burger-flipping zombie!
04:48Bonkers, I'm warning you.
04:50If I hadn't read it in the National Trash, I never would have believed it.
04:56The National Trash will be...
05:03This will be the story to end all stories.
05:08Don't know how you do it, boss. Always getting the big scoop.
05:11Say, I never tell you what happened at the signing of the declaration...
05:13Oh, yes, yes. A hundred times, yes.
05:16Oh, those were the days. Oh, young I was.
05:19Fresh off a job with Max Perkins and...
05:20Enough of your incessant rambling.
05:22Oh, gee. Sorry, boss. I didn't mean to...
05:24Hildy, dear, I never meant to imply I wasn't fascinated by your rambling.
05:29Oh, you're reminiscing.
05:33Sorry, boss. I know what it's like to...
05:35You, boss!
05:37Hey!
05:38Noseflash!
05:39I'm ready, boss. I'm here for you.
05:42Abominable snowman wreaks havoc on Hollywood.
05:46Whoa! Now there's a story.
05:49I'll get it right for you, boss.
05:52Oh, gee.
05:58Calling car 13. Calling car 13.
06:00Robbery in progress at the Hollywood Monument Bank.
06:08I'll try the back door.
06:12Sorry.
06:14Couldn't do it.
06:23Whoa!
06:26Let's see.
06:27A wind shear factor of minimal proportions. Perfect.
06:30Now some space to develop ramming speed.
06:40All clear.
06:53Yep.
07:12Uh-oh.
07:13Uh-oh.
07:21Hey, hey, hey, I know you.
07:23You're the Abominable Snowman.
07:25I read all about you in the national trash.
07:28Hey, shouldn't you be in the Himalayas?
07:35Now let's keep calm here, Mr. Snowman.
07:37For no reason, we can't be friends.
07:40I should warn you, I'm a police officer.
07:42Highly trained in the art of self-defense.
07:45Ain't no karate.
07:47I know kung fu.
07:48I know kickboxing.
07:49But sometimes I tickle, too.
07:51Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
07:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
07:59I knew that was going to happen.
08:06Oh, come on, stop it, will ya?
08:08Oh yeah, my vertebrates can't take the strain.
08:12You're stepping on my fever eternally.
08:19Okay, this is my last warning.
08:22If you don't let me go right now, I'm gonna start whining, and I mean it.
08:39Ah!
08:53Mayday! Mayday!
09:04Miranda! Oh, Miranda!
09:09Miranda!
09:11Miranda! Bobcat needs backup!
09:28Bonkers!
09:33Take this, you overgrown ice cube!
09:39Shh!
09:55But Church, it's the truth! Don't you believe me?
09:58Well now, let me see.
10:00First it's a Martian invasion.
10:02Then a zombie fry cook.
10:04Now it's the abominable snowman.
10:07Who's gonna be after you next?
10:09The Loch Ness Bunter?
10:11Nah, I hear he's gone into politics.
10:13I told you I didn't want to see any more of this garbage!
10:16Well, actually, Sergeant, I did sort of, uh, see the abominable snowman.
10:22You too?
10:23It seemed pretty real.
10:25If this stuff is real, how come none of the other newspapers run it?
10:29You know, I posed that very same question just the other day.
10:33I don't want to see one more picture of you in one more tabloid!
10:37But Sarge!
10:38And I'm holding you personally responsible.
10:41One more mix-up and you'll be sharpening your pencils.
10:47Typical disbeliever syndrome.
10:49Probably stems from an unhappy childhood.
10:54Those stories only show up in the national trash.
10:58And there's gotta be a reason for that.
11:00Probably because it's a high-tech, state-of-the-art news gathering organization.
11:04Ah, visitors.
11:06I must write them a proper greeting.
11:09Did I ever tell you I was there during the blackout?
11:12It was so dark, I had to use a fluorescent typewriter ribbon.
11:15I have a news flash for you, Hildy.
11:18Another one?
11:19You sure got a nose for news, boss.
11:23They must be closed.
11:25Miranda, this is a major news gathering source for millions of readers.
11:29They never close.
11:33See?
11:36What is this thing?
11:38It looks like a giant South American sword squid.
11:41A what?
11:43Don't you ever read, Miranda.
11:45It was the national trash cover story last month.
11:48A loyal reader.
11:50How nice.
11:51It's a shame I'll have to lose a good customer.
12:06I know you.
12:07You're Lillith the Brave, owner, editor, and chief executive officer of the national trash.
12:12And on Sundays, I make the deliveries.
12:15I have just one question.
12:17Yes?
12:18How about an autograph? I'm your biggest fan.
12:20What do you think you're doing, depraved?
12:22I'm just trying to make a living, dear. Is there a problem with that?
12:26There is when it means destroying my partner.
12:29Your partner is putting me out of business.
12:32Ever since he came along, it's been impossible to write anything more outlandish than his own outlandish life.
12:39Someone who pays attention. I'd love that.
12:41Of course I pay attention.
12:43My sales have plummeted because of you.
12:45So there really were Martians and Snowmen and zombies, and you set it all up?
12:50Told you it really happened.
12:52But how did you pull it off?
12:54With the help of my writing partner, Hildy.
13:02Hildy is a very special typewriter. Anything she types becomes real.
13:07Anything she types becomes real?
13:09Anything.
13:11Get out of town.
13:13Why could she type up a giant North African tree toad?
13:17Newsflash, Hildy. Just in.
13:20Reported sighting of a giant North African tree toad.
13:44Don't worry, Miranda.
13:45If there's one thing a giant South American sewer squid can't stand, it's a giant North African tree toad.
13:59Very clever, officer.
14:01But there's more news where that came from.
14:05Newsflash, Hildy.
14:07Cartoon cop rot to death.
14:11Oh, dear. There's so much bad news these days, isn't there?
14:26What are they, bonkers?
14:28They can only be one thing.
14:31Bad Elvis Imprisonators!
14:37Painful, aren't they?
14:40Take it!
14:54Come on, bonkers!
14:57In here, Miranda!
15:07Bad idea, bonkers.
15:09Welcome to my file room.
15:13This is where I keep all the stories I've created over the years.
15:19Now, where do you find all this neat stuff to write about?
15:22Find? Why, I make it up, you imbecile.
15:25You mean they're lies?
15:27Sorry, bonkers. The truth can be painful.
15:30There is a bright side. Bigfoot's not my father.
15:34There you are, boss.
15:36Bonkers, this way.
15:39Newsflash, Hildy. Flying saucer returns.
15:43I'll get right on it, boss.
15:52This way, Miranda.
15:54A vomitable snowman desperately seeking Bobcat.
15:58Cut off the present.
16:07Zombiefowl's revenge.
16:10Count it up.
16:21There's no place to hide when I control reality.
16:29Newsflash, Hildy. Burger Bob turns to stone.
16:32Oh, thank goodness for John.
16:35Goodness for justice.
16:39You know, too many of these lawbreakers get away scot-free, if it is.
16:43You old fool, you type only my lies.
16:46Sorry, boss. I didn't mean to...
16:48You're what, boss?
16:50Uh, my story, Hildy. The newsflashes, the big scoops.
16:54Didn't you know she was using you to type lies?
16:57You mean lie, as in falsehood, fabrication, fibbing?
17:02I don't write lies.
17:04Quiet, you naive little nothing.
17:06Time to write an alternate ending to Mr. Bonker's story.
17:12You're going to make the cover of every tabloid on the planet.
17:17Newsflash, Hildy.
17:19Bigfoot's back in town.
17:30Hello, friends.
17:32Do you look like a cue ball? Well, those days are over.
17:36Oh, no. The advertising section. Don't tell me.
17:39Afraid so, Bonkers. There lies two.
17:42With just one dab of Super Sprout, you can look like this.
17:55Are your salads a sand site? Are onions your undoing?
17:58Ever been squash by squash?
18:00Well, here's the answer to all your cooking problems.
18:09Yes, it's Ultra Blade.
18:11It slices, it dices. It can even be used to ice a cake.
18:31I'm through. You're not going to use me for any more lies.
18:35What do you think you're doing, you pile of junk?
18:38You'll type only when I tell you to type.
18:51What is it?
18:52You silly machine. What have you done?
18:55I've created the one thing you can't fight.
18:59The truth.
19:01No!
19:03The truth shall set you free.
19:22My lies! My wonderful lies!
19:29Lying is a very bad thing.
19:31You can't stop me. There is no power greater than the power of a lie.
19:38Honesty is the best policy.
19:47Newsflash. Tabloid publisher dropkicks by truth.
19:51And that's no lie.
19:53Uh, excuse me.
19:55When you were getting rid of the lies, you forgot one.
19:58Remember? Bigfoot.
20:00Oh, he's real.
20:02There really is a Bigfoot? I'm awfully sorry.
20:09Us too!
20:20Shaggy boy!
20:24Bonkers!
20:25What?
20:28Bonkers, do you hear me?
20:30It really is my father.
20:33Bonkers, you've been reading that thing for the past 20 minutes.
20:36Now put it down and help me write a few parking tickets, will you?
20:39Sure, sure, sure. But you've got to read this incredible article, Miranda.
20:43It's all about me and this talking typewriter and flying saucers and of course my dad and...
20:48You can't believe everything you read, Bonkers.
20:51Am I to believe that I am in the presence of an unbeliever?
20:55A doubting Miranda?
20:57So your subscription to the Times and start reading some hard news.
21:00You may learn something, like they do have a top 40 in the afterlife.
21:04Uh-huh.
21:05And the human lightning rod lives in Cleveland.
21:07Sure, Bonkers.
21:08And Turtle Point's in Virginia.