Against his will, Clegg has been sold a metal detector. Foggy decides to show Clegg how valuable a piece of equipment it is, while Compo struggles with a new pair of jeans.
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TVTranscript
00:00🎵Music🎵
00:30🎵Music🎵
00:32🎵Music🎵
00:34🎵Music🎵
00:36I understand the co-op
00:38has some big reductions
00:40in Winceyette pyjamas.
00:42🎵Laughter🎵
00:44I could do with some big reductions in mine.
00:46🎵Laughter🎵
00:48I think they must have been made for a gorilla.
00:50🎵Laughter🎵
00:54Only a small gorilla.
00:56🎵Laughter🎵
00:58Nigel Inchliffe's nose has turned septic.
01:00🎵Laughter🎵
01:02All of it, or just the bit that sticks out?
01:04🎵Laughter🎵
01:08Oh, he comes here with half a story.
01:10Well, how the hell do I know?
01:12Passing himself off as an expert on
01:14Nigel Inchliffe's nose.
01:16🎵Laughter🎵
01:18What's that mean, only the bit that sticks out?
01:20That's all there is to a nose, the bit that sticks out.
01:22🎵Laughter🎵
01:24Not necessarily.
01:26But, if it's like the iceberg,
01:28in which case two thirds of the
01:30human nose could be under the surface.
01:32🎵Laughter🎵
01:34Well, don't scoff.
01:36It sometimes feels like an iceberg.
01:38Just imagine,
01:40the real work's going on underneath.
01:42This bit that sticks out
01:44is just for resting your spectacles on.
01:46🎵Laughter🎵
01:48No, no, no, no.
01:50No, no, there must be some biological reason.
01:52No, what is there for
01:54is so that I can nip it
01:56and make funny voices.
01:58🎵Laughter🎵
02:00Yes, that's it.
02:02Biologically, it exists so you can
02:04squeeze it and make funny voices.
02:06🎵Laughter🎵
02:08Are you coming?
02:10Coming for me.
02:12🎵Laughter🎵
02:14🎵Music🎵
02:16🎵Music🎵
02:18🎵Music🎵
02:20🎵Music🎵
02:22Well, is there a view
02:24or is there a view?
02:26You mean you don't know?
02:28The world is all this way
02:30and you don't even know if it's a view.
02:32On a clear day,
02:34you can probably see the Humber Bridge.
02:36What's all of it?
02:38Or just the part you rest your spectacles on?
02:40🎵Laughter🎵
02:42No, why are you
02:44itching me with your hand?
02:46No, no, no me.
02:48Pick up the step,
02:50let that man come along.
02:52What day is it?
02:54Judging by those trousers, it's not early closing.
02:56Haven't you got any better trousers?
02:58These are my better trousers.
03:02John, why is he dragging me
03:04by the arm now?
03:06With trousers like that, who's going to drag you
03:08by the leg?
03:10🎵Laughter🎵
03:12🎵Music🎵
03:14🎵Music🎵
03:16🎵Music🎵
03:18How much money have you got?
03:20You mean all together?
03:22Yes, all together.
03:24Well, all together.
03:26🎵Laughter🎵
03:28🎵Laughter🎵
03:30Now.
03:32Where's that petty money?
03:34You can't touch my petty money.
03:36🎵Laughter🎵
03:38🎵Laughter🎵
03:40Get up!
03:42Get off!
03:44Where is it?
03:46It's in me welly.
03:48In that case, he's right, you know.
03:50You can't touch his petty money.
03:52🎵Laughter🎵
03:54🎵Groaning🎵
03:56🎵Groaning🎵
03:58🎵Groaning🎵
04:00🎵Groaning🎵
04:02God, dear.
04:04I thought I'd make your eyeballs heavy.
04:06I suppose they dropped out.
04:08It wasn't them dropping out
04:10they were worried about.
04:12Wake them, Teddy.
04:14I think I'd rather wait out here.
04:16What's the matter with you?
04:18He's such a red-hot salesman, this Dougie.
04:20He's bound to sell me something.
04:22Rubbish.
04:24It usually is.
04:26🎵Music🎵
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04:48🎵Music🎵
04:50🎵Music🎵
04:52Come in, why don't you?
04:54What is it, eh?
04:56I'm glad you think so.
04:58Don't touch anything.
05:00Bending the old hairdryer, are we?
05:02I wasn't till some twunk came barging in.
05:04What are...
05:06You know what's the matter with this, don't you?
05:08There's a little screw missing.
05:10Always a little screw missing.
05:12What do you want?
05:14Oh, well, we'll have three of your
05:16electric cups of tea, please, Sidney.
05:18Where's the rest of your squad then?
05:20Oh, they're on their way.
05:22I've never known such a pair for dawdling.
05:24Crowds seem to get civilian legs into a military base.
05:26However, I don't think the morning's been entirely wasted.
05:28I fancy I've done a good job.
05:30I'm renovating one of the town's
05:32scruffiest areas.
05:34I've had a new pair of trousers
05:36installed on you-know-who.
05:40That's right.
05:42Go on, throw things about.
05:44I couldn't help it. He gave me some startling news.
05:46Yeah, well, I'll give you some startling news
05:48in a minute, you great pair of tulips.
05:54I'd like to know what news is so startling
05:56it could make you drop the cups.
05:58I never...
06:02Oh, my God.
06:04Somebody's seen you with that Mrs Jessop.
06:06Who has?
06:08I mean, they couldn't have done that.
06:10I mean, what am I afraid of?
06:12It's a guilty fact. I haven't been with Mrs Jessop.
06:14I knew this would happen.
06:16Oh, nothing's happened, woman.
06:18I've been expecting something like this
06:20ever since you started reading Harold Robbins.
06:22That's a terrible thing to say.
06:24I don't read Harold Robbins.
06:26Calm yourself, Ivor.
06:28The startling news wasn't about him.
06:30It...
06:32It was about him.
06:36He's had a trouser transplant.
06:38They've got him into a new pair.
06:40Well, it's about time, too.
06:42I'm not superstitious,
06:44but I've had glimpses
06:46of things lurking under the surface
06:48of those old trousers
06:50that'd fair make you shudder.
06:52Ooh!
06:58Oh, I say!
07:00Aren't we smart?
07:02Smart? I said they'd play me smart.
07:06You can pack that in.
07:08It's all right for thee.
07:10Thee's not being strangled.
07:12Jeans are often a little bit tight at first.
07:14Tight?
07:16I've had bad ferret bites
07:18that have caused me less trouble.
07:20No wonder the younger generation
07:22are so rebellious.
07:24They look very hard-wearing.
07:26They're hard-wearing, yes.
07:28They're very hard to wear.
07:30It's like having everything in plaster.
07:32And I mean everything.
07:34Yes, well, it's time
07:36you were strapped up a bit.
07:38I must say it makes me feel
07:40much easier in me mind.
07:42I think it's a great improvement.
07:44Let's have a cup of tea, sis.
07:46I'll see if I can force it down.
07:48Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
07:50Oh, my.
07:52It's Mary Poppins.
07:54What have you got there?
07:56I don't know. I've no idea.
07:58Of course you know, Duggee.
08:00Told you what it is.
08:02I wasn't listening, was I?
08:04Well, you should have been listening.
08:06What for? He wasn't listening to me.
08:08I kept telling him I didn't want it.
08:10He wasn't listening, was he?
08:12Who wasn't? Duggee at the second-hand shop.
08:14Oh, he'll sell out, will Duggee.
08:16What am I going to do with this?
08:18At least you can wear what he sold you.
08:20Listen, I'd sooner wear that any day.
08:22Whatever it is.
08:24It's a metal detector.
08:26I told you he'd sell me something.
08:28I told you not to let me look at his eyes.
08:30Once you look at his eyes, you've gone.
08:32You've probably got a snip there.
08:34It's based on the old mine detectors.
08:36You know, the things we used to use in the war.
08:38Oh, it's what I've always wanted.
08:40A mine detector.
08:42Of course, you don't use them for detecting mines in peacetime.
08:44No, no.
08:46They use them for finding buried treasure.
08:48Liable to be a lot of that round here, is there?
08:50There's a lot of it everywhere.
08:52Buried treasure?
08:54Yeah, buried treasure.
08:56You should be locked up.
08:58I could just see Captain Morgan and all them other pirates
09:00coming up the canal
09:02desperate to bury their treasure
09:04somewhere near Huddersfield.
09:06There's more than one kind of treasure, you know.
09:08Oh, yes, I could see all them jolly pirates
09:10singing their Yorkshire sea shanties
09:12Yo-ho-ho!
09:14And a bottle of John Smith's.
09:16Will you shut up now?
09:18See, Flake, you hold it like this.
09:20Oh, don't bother, Foggy.
09:22I shall never be able to ride it.
09:24No, no, you don't ride it.
09:26No, you see, you put these headphones on
09:28and then you push it up and down
09:30like a, well, like a vacuum cleaner.
09:32Oh, that really is exciting, isn't it?
09:34Fancy being able to go out
09:36where everybody can see you,
09:38put those earphones on
09:40and move that thing up and down like a vacuum.
09:42It's not exactly like a vacuum cleaner.
09:44No, you see, you hold it so,
09:46poised a little way above the ground
09:48and then you advance with it slowly
09:50and you sweep.
09:52Has been done, Peggy.
09:54It's not even a vacuum cleaner.
09:56You've got to sweep with it.
09:58No, I do. The extended arm should describe
10:00a gentle circular motion.
10:02Oh, you mean like this?
10:04I can't even do a V sign in these trousers.
10:06I can't even do a V sign in these trousers.
10:08There's no room to manoeuvre.
10:10It was bad enough
10:12climbing into these things.
10:14I don't know how the hell I'm going to get anything out.
10:18Could we borrow a spoon, Sidney?
10:20What do you want a spoon for?
10:24I want to lay it on the floor.
10:30We usually lay ours on the table.
10:36Do you think if I pleaded insanity
10:38I could get my money back?
10:40Don't get... Not a chance.
10:42You don't want your money back.
10:44You've got a very ingenious little machine here.
10:46Do you get a lot of people doing spoon tricks around here?
10:48No, there isn't. The interest used to be.
10:50I understand that.
10:52Look, I don't mean to put these earphones on
10:54but just hold them up so we can all hear
10:56the noises that they're making.
10:58They're not making any noises.
11:00No, I know they're not making any noises.
11:02I knew it.
11:04It's broken.
11:06It's not broken.
11:08I just haven't switched it on yet.
11:10Then what are you prattling about for?
11:12Will you just shut up?
11:14We want to hear this.
11:16Right.
11:18It's still broken.
11:20You won't hear anything
11:22until I pass the machine over the metal spoon.
11:24Oh, I don't think I can stand
11:26all this excitement.
11:28Go and sit down somewhere then.
11:30In these hardboard trousers?
11:32Listen,
11:34I'm not doing anything clever
11:36until I've learnt how to walk in them first.
11:38Just keep out of the way.
11:40Are you ready now, Clayton?
11:42I think I'd rather go and look at Nigel Lynch's
11:44left septic nose.
11:46You'll be all right.
11:48All right. I'm ready. I'm ready.
11:50Now, when I pass this device over the metal spoon
11:52we should hear something.
11:54Now.
12:02Hey!
12:04I heard something.
12:06What the devil are you doing now?
12:08Very kindly setting up a machine, my love,
12:10to help me find a screw that's missing from your hairdryer.
12:12Yeah, well, there's more than one screw
12:14missing around here.
12:16Oh, by Jove, that was nimble thinking, Sidney.
12:18It was brilliant.
12:20Well done, Zeke.
12:22Oh, I get lots of practice.
12:24The beauty of it is, of course, that it's true.
12:26With this apparatus, we shall soon be able to locate your missing screw.
12:28You haven't had much luck with that spoon, have you?
12:30Oh, well, a minor adjustment,
12:32and then we shall soon have some sort of noise out of it.
12:34Oh, God!
12:36Very good, Bucky.
12:38And quick, too.
12:40Can we have a bit of elbow room around here, please?
12:42Oh, give it here.
12:44I can manage.
12:46You're flaming like a fairy.
12:48Why is it that whenever you want to make an adjustment,
12:50you sound a stupid idiot determined to interfere?
12:52I'll do it like Gormio!
12:54Oh!
12:56And I suppose you've got a machine
12:58for picking up bits of crockery
13:00that used to be cups
13:02before you flung them to the floor.
13:04I'll pick them up. I'll pick them up.
13:06My God, it would have been cheaper to buy a new hairdryer.
13:08You want me to look at your hairdryer, is it?
13:10Leave your hands off that!
13:12Oh, Zeke!
13:14Oh, no, no, don't let me laugh so much in these trousers.
13:16And all this periphery.
13:18The more inefficient they are, manually,
13:20the quicker they are to fly off the handle
13:22at the first hint of criticism.
13:24Are you sure you're not holding that thing upside down, Bobby?
13:26I know I'm holding it upside down,
13:28and the reason I'm holding it upside down...
13:30upside down
13:32is that I want to make a small adjustment to it.
13:34Get in there.
13:36Oh, hold on!
13:38Get in there.
13:40Hey, up it's Nora Batty,
13:42my true love.
13:44Oh, my God, is he here?
13:46Come here.
13:48Have a look at that.
13:50Oh, my God.
13:52Come here.
13:54Have a look at that.
13:56Oh, my God.
13:58She had you out shopping again, then, Walt?
14:00Aye, she's had me out shopping.
14:02The fuss they make about a bit of shopping.
14:04I feel like a native porter.
14:06Why, the woman's given you half-time, eh, Moana?
14:08Has she ever?
14:10Hey, don't you know
14:12it's bad luck
14:14to put umbrella up indoors?
14:16Well,
14:18I don't know.
14:20Well,
14:22are you going to get me
14:24a cup of coffee?
14:26I'm going to get her a cup of coffee.
14:28Whoa!
14:30Now what?
14:32Mate, stupid fool,
14:34rearing up on people.
14:36What's going on in here now?
14:38I don't know what she's yapping for.
14:40Your husband startled me.
14:42Well, it's more than he does to me.
14:46I mean, you expect it from him,
14:48but I didn't expect
14:50your husband rearing up at me.
14:52Oh, he did, did he?
14:56If there's any rearing up to be done,
14:58you'll do it to me.
15:00You saw him,
15:02didn't you?
15:04He reared up at me.
15:06I was looking at this fella's umbrella.
15:08It's not an umbrella.
15:10It's not as useful as an umbrella.
15:12It's extremely useful.
15:14I was standing here
15:16minding my own business.
15:18Oh, you were?
15:20I was.
15:22Well, there's a novelty for a start.
15:26Are you going to stand there
15:28and let me be insulted?
15:34Listen,
15:36what I want to know is
15:38if it's not an umbrella, what is it?
15:40LAUGHTER
15:44I thought we were going to have a coffee.
15:46You stand there letting people insult your wife?
15:48You don't deserve a coffee.
15:50Do I have to deserve everything?
15:52It's going to be a long while between
15:54drinks if I have to deserve everything.
15:56Give it up, Donna.
15:58Ignore him. Ignore him.
16:00I couldn't let you go without a word of encouragement.
16:02I don't want any encouragement from you.
16:04I thought they might be wondering
16:06why I hadn't chased you round the cafe for a bit.
16:08Don't stop.
16:10Ignore him.
16:12No, hang on a minute.
16:14I was wondering why I didn't chase you round the cafe.
16:18Is it something we've said?
16:20No, no.
16:22I still find her
16:24as attractive as ever.
16:26Will you stop shouting these things
16:28in the street?
16:30It's just that I haven't got the hang of chasing her
16:32in these trousers yet.
16:34I'm not used to chasing you
16:36in these trousers.
16:38I can hear him. I can hear him.
16:40The whole damn street can hear him.
16:42Hey, what?
16:44Maybe you'd like to bring her back
16:46when I've got my other trousers on.
16:48Do I have to be humiliated in public?
16:50Well, say something to him.
16:52Go on.
16:54Say something to him.
16:56I've got a pair of brown corduroy's you can have.
16:58Stick it where I'm going.
17:00Oh, ta.
17:02Go on.
17:06Go on.
17:12Yes, there, I see.
17:14Just a loose wire.
17:16You can go outside and try it.
17:18I want no more accidents in here.
17:20I assure you, madam, there is nothing to go wrong.
17:22Out.
17:24It's a perfectly harmless instrument.
17:26It's not the instrument I'm worried about.
17:28It's the flaming driver.
17:30Well, if you don't wish me to locate
17:32your missing screw...
17:34Well, you can come here first,
17:36and then you can come and find the screw.
17:38All right, then, come on.
17:40Come on, it's your detector.
17:42When you're still young and suggestible,
17:44they warn you about loose women
17:46and sitting in draughts and things,
17:48but nobody ever says a word about metal detectors.
17:50What are you grinning at?
17:52I was just thinking about loose women
17:54and sitting in draughts and things.
17:56That sounds just like my cup of tea.
17:58Yes, well, you can come along, too,
18:00in case we need some support
18:02at the heavy manual level.
18:12I knew we'd be conscripted.
18:14Oh, stop moaning.
18:16You won't even have to do anything.
18:18Hey, I'm beginning to like it already.
18:20You just leave the technical end to me.
18:22See, I just want two witnesses
18:24to a successful demonstration.
18:26I mean, somebody's got to convince those people in there.
18:28They must think I'm some kind of idiot or something.
18:33I just got something metallic.
18:35Hmm?
18:37Have you not brought anything metallic?
18:39Didn't nobody think to bring something metallic?
18:41Well, they didn't, for a start.
18:43You leave one simple job
18:45to the rest of your team.
18:47Hey, up we're a team.
18:49Guess who's captain?
18:55Get out of there for a minute.
18:57Of course it's not dangerous.
18:59That's what you said about Bickerdike's dog.
19:01Just hold it, will you,
19:03while I open my purse.
19:05Hey, your things must be serious
19:07if Foggy's opening his purse.
19:09Don't bother with that, Foggy.
19:11We've been decimalised since we were last in there.
19:15You just stand there
19:17and practise your new trousers.
19:19Right, here's 50p.
19:21It's yours.
19:23All right, all right.
19:2530p.
19:27I wouldn't take advantage of you, Clayton.
19:29If you've got a bargain there...
19:31Hey, Norm, you've got a bargain there.
19:35Don't ask me to help you
19:37out of them trousers.
19:39Oh, Norm, you're not going to leave me
19:41in these trousers.
19:45I'd fall in, you men.
19:47We need some softer ground.
19:59This'll do nicely.
20:01I should think so.
20:03I'm not walking much further
20:05in these trousers.
20:07It's like walking through treacle.
20:09Little flies do it all the time.
20:11Especially when you've just
20:13washed your windows.
20:15Ideal terrain.
20:17Dirt surface,
20:19no traffic to interrupt us.
20:21I'm going to have a look.
20:23I'm going to have a look.
20:25I'm going to have a look.
20:27Ideal terrain,
20:29dirt surface,
20:31no traffic to interrupt us.
20:33Now,
20:35while I turn my back,
20:37I want you to bury this 50p
20:39under the surface.
20:41Needn't make a meal of it.
20:43Don't have to go down six feet.
20:45Just under the surface.
20:47It's somewhere where it doesn't show.
20:49Then I shall locate it with the machine.
20:51Now, here.
20:53You're the expert at throwing money
20:56Right.
20:58Proceed.
21:09Don't leave any visual traces.
21:11Oh, don't worry.
21:13There won't be any visual traces.
21:17I don't want to be able to see
21:19where it's gone.
21:21Oh, you won't be able to see where it's gone.
21:25Is he ready, Craig?
21:27Oh, yes. I think he's ready.
21:29Right. Headphones on.
21:31Now, stand back. Here I come.
21:33Now, when I pass this machine
21:35over the coin, I shall hear
21:37a high-pitched sound.
21:39If he passes that machine over the coin
21:41where it is now, we should all hear
21:43a high-pitched sound.
21:49Well, it keeps him quiet.
21:51Yes.
21:53That's very restful.
21:55He's much easier to live with
21:57when he's connected with machinery.
21:59Suits his personality. I believe you're right.
22:03I thought I was onto something there, you know.
22:05Well, I feel
22:07I'm getting warmer.
22:09It's not just the noises it makes.
22:11You get an instinct
22:13in your fingertips.
22:19How can he find 50 feet?
22:21I detect a flaming Land Rover.
22:23Ah, but it's only a short-wheelbase Land Rover.
22:25Maybe he'd be better with a
22:27long-wheelbase Land Rover.
22:29Get off!
22:31Get away!
22:33What's the matter now? I think I'm just getting something.
22:35Ah, more than I realise.
22:37Get away, you long...
22:39Get off!
22:41I wish you wouldn't distract me.
22:43What are you fretting about now?
22:45The next few moves could be very important.
22:51Well, that move
22:53certainly looked important.
23:01Something very basic
23:03about the Roro sense of humour.
23:05I'm going to fetch the coin here.
23:07We'd better make sure the machine's working.
23:13Oh, right, thanks.
23:15Now, I just...
23:17Oh, funny.
23:19Very funny.
23:21I was going to bury it, but
23:23it was too painful in these trousers.
23:25Well, Clegg could have given you a hand.
23:27Not on these trousers.
23:29I draw the line at these trousers.
23:31It's been a weird enough day already.
23:35Stand back.
23:39Now, see, when I pass the machine
23:41over this coin, I should get
23:43the high-pitched sound.
23:45Ah!
23:51It's like getting your teeth filled.
23:55It works all right, anyway.
23:57A little powerfully, perhaps.
23:59Right.
24:01We'll turn the volume down, and Clegg,
24:03you better the coin this time.
24:15Oh!
24:23Yeah, it really works.
24:25You've got a snip of a machine here, Clegg,
24:27you lucky devil.
24:29How lucky can you get?
24:31Come on.
24:33Let's head back to the cafe
24:35and show him who knows what he's doing.
24:45But I'll do it!
24:47I'll do it!
24:49You are a complete novice, ma'am.
24:51It's my screw, indeed.
24:53Oh, stop talking about!
24:55And mind those new cups.
24:57I don't want any more breakages.
24:59See?
25:01All right, very well.
25:03Let him do it.
25:05How will I know
25:07when it finds a screw?
25:09You'll know, all right.
25:11You'll know.
25:15Ahem.
25:23Well, he, uh...
25:25He found the screw, then.
25:27Oh, yeah, if the man is due,
25:29he certainly found the screw.
25:31Sounds as though he's buried it again
25:33under bits of crockery.
25:45You see what a marvellous tool
25:47this is in skilled hands.
25:49When you think of
25:51all those bits of history
25:53just waiting to be discovered...
25:57Ha!
25:59Ha!
26:01Ha!
26:03I've got something!
26:05It looks like it's incurable, Foggy.
26:07Dig it up, dig it up.
26:09It might be Roman.
26:11So, what's these trousers?
26:15Ha-ha!
26:21Grr!
26:23Yeah, that's an old beer cup.
26:25Ingenious beggars, them Romans.
26:27It's deadly.
26:29Gaius Julius Tetley.
26:31I like it. Me too.
26:33Let's go with that one.
26:37APPLAUSE
26:39APPLAUSE
26:45He's a national hero in Albania
26:47and one of our best-known comedians,
26:49so whatever you do, don't miss
26:51our Norman Wisden season this weekend
26:53here on UK TV Drama.
26:55Next, though, it's Steptoe and Son.
26:59APPLAUSE
27:09CHEERING