Last Of The Summer Wines-S05E08 - And A Dewhurst Up A Fir Tree (1979 Christmas Special)
It is midsummer yet Foggy drags Compo and Norman out Christmas shopping to avoid the holiday rush, but the area merchants are having none of his foolishness.
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00:00🎵
00:30How far is it to New Zealand?
00:39Oh, right. Talk to the self.
00:42How far is it to New Zealand, Koppo?
00:44I don't know, Koppo.
00:45Koppo doesn't know how far it is to New Zealand!
00:51Didn't they tell you at school?
00:53The only thing I remember them telling me at school
00:56was never to do that again to Rosemary Hodgkins.
01:01So what happened?
01:02I did it to Wendy Fairclough.
01:05What?
01:06I put a centipede down her blouse!
01:11And that's your idea of time well spent, is it?
01:14Nah.
01:15There's not much to putting a centipede down a girl's blouse.
01:19But, seeing as how I was the only one who dared handle it,
01:23I had no fun of getting it out.
01:28You wouldn't think, would you, that from such small beginnings
01:31would come this interest in New Zealand?
01:34Oh, it's typical.
01:35I'll give him this much.
01:37He's been consistently disgusting all his life.
01:41It's just a growing lad's curiosity about the wonders of life.
01:45Interested in centipedes, were you?
01:48What a pleasant day.
01:51I wonder how many people realise that in conditions as good as this
01:54a well-trained sniper could pot them from almost a mile away.
01:58I'm glad I'm not a centipede.
02:00I fancy having an accident and discovering you've got a broken leg.
02:04Leg, leg, leg.
02:08The Oldfields are going to New Zealand.
02:11For Christmas.
02:12You don't have to go as far as that for it.
02:14It creeps up on you wherever you are.
02:17I'm going to be prepared for it this time.
02:20I hate people who leave things to the last minute.
02:24That's what our Nellie was always telling her husband.
02:27Didn't make any difference.
02:30They still had all them children.
02:54Ha, ha.
03:11Have you got a buyer this year, then?
03:13Who?
03:14Your Nellie's kids for Christmas.
03:16Oh, damn all at the moment.
03:18We haven't got rid of some of yet.
03:21Oh, that's my point, isn't it?
03:23Think about it, little short, scruffy person.
03:26Why should we wait till everyone else is on the Christmas rush?
03:30He's a great long prong, isn't he?
03:34How can a bloke think about Christmas this time of the year?
03:38Well, you're not going to believe this, but watch where you're treading,
03:41because I think there have been some reindeer around.
03:46Ha, ha, ha.
03:49Playing a head is the secret to good organisation.
03:53No, no, no.
03:58Happy Christmas, Foggy.
04:00Welcome to the season, Foggy.
04:03Ha, ha, ha.
04:05Oh, ha, ha.
04:07Oh, ha, ha.
04:09Oh, ho, ho.
04:11Ha, ha.
04:16What are we doing in here on a nice summer's day?
04:20It'll all become clear to you in a minute.
04:23I'll just sit down and wait patiently.
04:27Goodness knows I've had enough practice in doctor's surgeries.
04:30For what? You have.
04:32Oh, that were only when I were working.
04:34Working? You?
04:36The fastest sick note in the West.
04:38Oh, well, you see, I've got this back.
04:41The worst case of terminal sick note in medical history.
04:44I haven't heard that many notes.
04:46Only because you got fed up initially with the season ticket.
04:50I had six specialists at my back.
04:53So that's the explanation.
04:55For what?
04:56For those six holes in your shirt.
05:00Now, it's a while since I've used this.
05:03My very words to Nora Batty the other day.
05:07Hello.
05:10Hi. I was showing her me little whistle.
05:14Keep it quiet.
05:16It is quiet. It's a silent whistle.
05:18You've no idea how pleased I am about that.
05:21It's a poacher's whistle for calling your ferrets in the dark.
05:25Really? But what do you call ferrets in the dark?
05:28Come here, you beautiful...
05:31We just talked some clap-clap. It's not a ferret whistle.
05:34Those whistles you can't hear are dog whistles.
05:36Mine is a ferret's whistle.
05:38What's the difference?
05:39Have you ever tried getting a Labrador down a rabbit hole?
05:43Would you mind drawing the curtains, please?
05:46I hate drawing my curtains during the daytime.
05:50Suppose the neighbours start sending flowers.
05:54What are you going to show us, Eddie Rourke?
05:56You'll see.
05:58Oh, you're not going to show us them holiday snaps again, are you?
06:01No, I'm not going to show you those holiday snaps.
06:03What's the matter with my holiday snaps?
06:06Yes!
06:09Come away. Sit down.
06:10For your age, it's not what it's for. Come on.
06:13As a matter of fact, you've never seen these before.
06:16I'm showing you these with a very serious purpose.
06:19I want to remind you of last Christmas and what a disaster it was.
06:23And why?
06:24Because some idiot, who shall be nameless,
06:27had this great idea about not shopping early for Christmas.
06:32Some idiot had this theory about waiting till the last minute on Christmas Eve
06:36and snapping up all the bargains.
06:39What is that?
06:41That is last year's Christmas tree.
06:45That looks like a bit of old privy.
06:47It is a bit of old privy.
06:50Who was it who had this idea?
06:53About waiting till Christmas Eve to do our shopping.
06:57Oh, right, I did.
06:59Oh, the fun of the yuletide rush, you said.
07:02The ruddy sheiks and the choppers.
07:05The ruddy sheiks of the shoppers!
07:10You know, like it was when we were kids.
07:12All jostling happily together on Christmas Eve.
07:15Which last year fell on a Sunday.
07:17When all the shops were shut.
07:20Boom, boom. And this was our Christmas dinner.
07:26Very funny.
07:27Oh, how we laughed.
07:29A fish finger and a chip, we laughed.
07:33I wonder what they're doing in the workhouse, we said.
07:36And I wished I was doing it with them.
07:39Yeah, now right merry Christmas it was.
07:42Well, it's not going to happen again this year.
07:44As my old scoutmaster used to say, we are going to be prepared.
07:48So on your feet, you men. Come on.
07:51We are going to do our Christmas shopping.
07:53Christmas shopping?
07:54Christmas shopping?
07:57Oh, no. Christmas shopping?
07:59But it's only four o'clock.
08:04No, I don't like these places.
08:06What's wrong with these places?
08:08They make your life go too fast.
08:10Look at these.
08:12Congratulations on a happy event.
08:14Then a few birthdays.
08:16Wedding.
08:17Happy anniversary.
08:18A wallop, you're in to get well soon.
08:20No.
08:22No, you don't want to let cards make you nervous.
08:26Well, you've had as many cards as I've had.
08:29Oh, yeah? Fan mail now, is it?
08:31Ever since you became Miss Bet in shop 1945.
08:35Hey, happy condolences.
08:40Who sends cards to you?
08:42The electric gas board.
08:44Oh, I see. They're putting you off by postcard now, are they?
08:47I collect final warnings.
08:49Oh, you must have a nice little corner in that market.
08:51Years ago, long before you perfected that B-sign,
08:55all communications from the gas board of a threatening nature...
08:59Ah!
09:01Ah!
09:08No, don't tell us. Let me guess.
09:11Liberace.
09:14Bug off, Liberace.
09:17I'm doing a threatening nature.
09:19A big heavy from the gas board.
09:22Yeah.
09:24Oh!
09:33Did you see that?
09:35Did you see the way she looked at me?
09:38Her eyes were locked.
09:40Something electric passed between us.
09:43You'll be cutting that off next behaviour test.
09:50Now, what were you saying?
09:52Oh, I've forgotten.
09:53About communications from the gas board of a threatening nature.
09:56Oh, that. Oh, yes, yes.
09:58Well, the letters used to come from some employee in an office.
10:01On the managerial level. You know the type.
10:04Always has a robber. Knows the price of his wife's hair lacquer.
10:07There's always one at the party trying to corn you into spelling things like illegitimate.
10:13I-double-L-E-G-I-T-I-M-A-T.
10:16Have you got a robber?
10:22Come on, get on with it.
10:24No, I was just reflecting upon the impact of modernisation on this individual here.
10:28Who now gets his threatening letters from a computer.
10:31That's true, I do.
10:33And ignores them just the same as he always did.
10:35Isn't progress wonderful?
10:37That's just what people need on their greeting cards.
10:40Sticky fingerprints.
10:42Ah, Mavis, don't get sloppy.
10:44I knew the ma'am, she was a bit of a card.
10:46And she knew all about sticky fingerprints.
10:50I'm sorry about the interruption.
10:52We'd just like to see your selection of Christmas cards.
10:54Christmas cards?
10:56At this time of the year?
10:58Ah, yes, well, you see...
10:59Ah, Mavis, pay no attention.
11:01He's not been the same since the accident.
11:04Actually, I've not had an accident.
11:06Don't press your luck.
11:09Do you see the way his face shrivels up, you know, when he gets angry?
11:13Here, get well soon.
11:17Some days all you seem to get's comedians.
11:19Get well cards, Christmas cards.
11:22Oh, get out.
11:23I assure you, madam, I'm being perfectly serious.
11:25Get out.
11:26Hey, Foggy, whilst you're at it,
11:28ask her if she's got a Valentine card for Nora Batty.
11:31Preferably one with curlers.
11:34Out, the lot of you.
11:38Come on.
11:40Out.
11:42The lot of you.
11:51Good day to you, madam.
11:52We'd like to see your Christmas selection.
11:54I'll show you my books, you droozy comedian.
11:58Unpleasant sort of woman to be behind a counter.
12:01She might be all right if you like hard centres.
12:04Would you like to see her lose a bit of toffee, Albert?
12:09Mmm.
12:16You'd think they'd never heard of Christmas.
12:19A chap tries to do a spot of Christmas shopping
12:21and it throws the entire local economy into a bad tempered panic.
12:26Christmas shopping? At this time of the year?
12:28Oh, here we go again, look.
12:30Another local tradesman thrown into a right tizzy.
12:33Look, the trouble with them is they can't cope with a bit of forward planning.
12:37Do you know what date it is?
12:38Yes, I know what date it is.
12:40And you've been Christmas shopping?
12:42I've heard of somebody's watch being fast, but that's ridiculous.
12:46Typical civilian inefficiency.
12:48What is?
12:49Your attitude.
12:51Your tea's a bit like weasel pee and all.
12:53Weasel pee?
12:56No, it's just how we like it.
12:59I'll give you weasel pee.
13:00It wouldn't be so bad if you did, but you keep charging us for it.
13:04What?
13:10Have you unbung that drain yet?
13:15You saw that, didn't you?
13:16Big woman, smartly dressed. I think it was your wife, Sidney.
13:19I know it is.
13:20I just wish you'd draw your attention to the way she greeted me.
13:23Have you unbung that drain yet?
13:26They don't write dialogue like that in your average romantic novel.
13:29God, what was wrong with your drain?
13:31Foggy.
13:35You ought not to intrude between a man and his drains.
13:38Hey, Sid, she's looking very tasty as your Ivy.
13:42You know, apart from Nora Batty.
13:44Which is the only way to be.
13:47Who will always come first.
13:49Especially in a bus queue.
13:51She has elbows especially adapted for bus queues.
13:54Your Ivy is the type of woman who will always come first.
13:58Your Ivy is the kind of well-built lass I'd be happy to run away with.
14:02My Ivy is the kind of well-built lass I'd be happy for you to run away with.
14:08He doesn't mean that.
14:09I do mean that.
14:10No, it's the kind of wishful dream that people have.
14:13I know.
14:15Like wishing to serve your country in some dangerous secret capacity.
14:21It's not all that funny.
14:23I don't think it's funny for a man to want to go on serving his country.
14:26Oh, didn't they ask you to join MI5 then?
14:32All that talent wasted.
14:34You'll just have to keep yourself ready.
14:36I do.
14:37Me too. For Nora Batty and Sid's Ivy.
14:40You see, I dropped hints that I was available when my time was up in the army.
14:44I've watched for the postman every morning since but...
14:47nothing.
14:48Hey, Norm.
14:49They don't recruit for MI5 by post, do they?
14:52No, no, no.
14:53Some little bloke slides up to you in a pub and starts whispering in your ear.
14:57Oh, I've had that.
15:00Oh, you'd be surprised some of the situations it's got me into.
15:04It's very tricky.
15:05It's not the kind of activity where it's always safe to ask to see a person's credentials.
15:09But what annoys me is if they don't recruit from experienced people like me,
15:13where do they recruit from?
15:16Experienced?
15:17Me?
15:18You don't believe it? You try coming at me with a knife.
15:21Come on.
15:23Come on.
15:27Sit down.
15:29I haven't got a knife.
15:31Use your teaspoon.
15:34Sidney, get him a knife.
15:36You what? Let's not see him eating. He's the last beggar that ought to have a knife.
15:40I'm not having one of his blunt knives.
15:43You don't really think that some fiendish foreign agent is going to come at me with a table knife, does he?
15:49No, no, no.
15:50I'll just nip out into the kitchen and get a proper knife.
16:02Some people take everything so damn literally, don't they?
16:05Joe.
16:06Oh.
16:08Of course.
16:10The old knee's playing up a bit again, you know.
16:13I hope he doesn't throw my timing out by that hairline fraction.
16:16I wouldn't like to hurt him.
16:21You know, I think you ought to warn him not to tangle with me.
16:26Do you think he's ready for a real knife?
16:31See if you can disarm her from that tree.
16:33I'll cure him.
16:35I'll cure him of that urge he's got to sneak up on married women.
16:44I'd rather not go into details.
16:46I can understand that.
16:49No offence intended, Norm.
16:50Oh, none taken.
16:52But I mean, when you've spent a lifetime perfecting a technique of impressing yourself on married women,
16:58you don't want to give away all your secrets in a pub.
17:01Now, that's good thinking.
17:03I mean, you never know who may be listening.
17:05Absolutely. And in the wrong hands, a technique like that could be devastating.
17:10You never know where it might end.
17:12Well, it usually ends with you getting clobbered with a tray.
17:16Aye, but it's worth it.
17:19Of course, that's Ivy.
17:21Nora usually comes at me with a yard brush.
17:23Oh, it's a powerful technique you've perfected there.
17:26It is, Norm. It is.
17:29Hey, look at that.
17:32What's he doing with that big bloke at the bar?
17:35Trying to get his breath back, I think.
17:39It's not as if they knew each other.
17:41Hey, maybe his dreams come true at last.
17:44Maybe he's just been recruited for MI5.
17:48Hey, it must be something serious if Foggy's got his purse out.
17:53Oh, look at that action, man. That's smooth.
17:57I hope he finds a better place to keep his suicide pill.
18:00If it gets locked in there, it'll be quicker to die of athlete's foot.
18:10Well, there we are then.
18:12Ten pounds. Just poured off the Christmas bargain of the year.
18:16Ten pounds for a bit of an old map?
18:19It's not for the map. It's for what's there, on the map.
18:23It's not Captain Morgan's buried treasure.
18:25You've bought Captain Morgan's buried treasure,
18:28not from a stranger in a pub who's just drunk off and left with your ten quid.
18:32Hey, if it's buried treasure, I'm not doing any digging.
18:35I've got this bad back.
18:37No, it's nothing like that.
18:39Oh, that's all right.
18:40I mean, what sort of a fool do you think I am?
18:44Look, the Forestry Commission is having a Christmas sale.
18:48The Forestry Commission?
18:49Well, you've heard of the Forestry Commission, haven't you?
18:51I've heard of it, yes. I've just never heard of it having a Christmas sale.
18:54That's where I've been so lucky.
18:56Oh, you've been lucky, Foggy.
18:58You've never heard of it because it hasn't been announced yet.
19:01Now, by pure coincidence, I happened to get into conversation at the bar
19:04with the one man in this area who knows about it.
19:07That urban who's just sneaked off with your ten quid?
19:11Area Forestry Officer.
19:13What?
19:14That big lump at the bar?
19:17Well, why not?
19:18That sweaty prawn in a T-shirt?
19:21Well, you don't think he's going to wear woolly jumpers in a job like that, do you?
19:25They'll never stop untangling him from the trees.
19:27I'm beginning to think you'd have been better off meeting Captain Morgan,
19:30and he was a Welshman, so I don't say that lightly.
19:33Now, come on, Foggy. Tell us, really.
19:35I mean, what have you actually bought?
19:40Christmas trees.
19:42A hundred of them for ten pounds. How's that for a bargain?
19:48Did you learn the name of this Area Forestry Officer?
19:52Yeah, of course I did.
19:53Well, go on, then.
19:55Eric.
19:58Eric who?
20:02Big Eric.
20:06I didn't hear you knocking.
20:09I was tidying up the airing cupboard.
20:12Oh, I'm not stopping.
20:14Sugar?
20:16Oh, I didn't ought to, really.
20:18Say when.
20:23Er, thank you.
20:27Cutting down again, are you?
20:31I can't drink it without.
20:33I can't drink it without.
20:35I never use it meself.
20:37And it shows, love.
20:41If you took a spoonful occasionally, you might find it might relax you.
20:45Keep your hands off your airing cupboard.
20:47Oh, they need some new vests.
20:49They're only fit for dusters.
20:51Yes, I will say that for them.
20:53Troublesome as men are, their old vests make lovely dusters.
20:58If it won't shine with an old vest, it won't shine, I always say.
21:03Mind you, your wally's so small,
21:05I'm surprised you've got enough vests to do more than one window.
21:09Oh, I've always bought them for him extra long.
21:12I should think medium looks like extra long on your wally.
21:16Small has its advantages.
21:18At least you have no trouble getting into every corner.
21:22Which brings me to why I wanted to see you.
21:25Somebody else who has no trouble in getting in every corner.
21:28Your neighbour.
21:29Him down there with the clutching hands.
21:32Small and obnoxious.
21:34You don't have to tell me about him.
21:37I've been dodging him for years.
21:39He grabbed me in the kitchen this morning.
21:42Came up behind you?
21:43Yeah.
21:44Quick feint with his left hand, then whoops it to you with his right.
21:48That's right.
21:49Oh, I know his every move.
21:51I nearly dropped the chip pan.
21:53You should have.
21:54Down his trousers.
21:57The sooner it gets covered in batter, the safer it's going to be.
22:02Safer for every one of us round here.
22:05But you see, it isn't everyone, is it?
22:07It's just you and me.
22:09See, that's why I thought we ought to have a talk.
22:11What are we going to do about him?
22:14It's getting so you need eyes in the back of your corsets.
22:17How are we going to stop him?
22:19Well, I normally use me yard brush.
22:22Say he catches you when you haven't got your yard brush with you.
22:25Oh, I don't go far without me yard brush.
22:28No, but say he catches you without it.
22:31Then I hope he's washed his hands.
22:35And try not to think about his ferrets.
22:40But it's time that he was stopped.
22:42Oh, you don't have to convince me.
22:44That cheeky devil's been places that would never occur to my Wally.
22:48Even if he was looking for one of his damn pigeons.
22:52You know what we're doing wrong, don't you?
22:54We're too defensive.
22:56We start leaping about and shrieking when he grabs us.
22:59Well, that just encourages him.
23:01It's time we started fighting back.
23:04Will you have a piece of carrot?
23:06I think I will, love.
23:09While we decide how we're going to handle him.
23:11With gloves, of course, being the first thing that springs to mind.
23:21Hey, that's a lot of Christmas trees.
23:24They're not all mine.
23:26I can't even afford a hundred.
23:28It reminds me of Rosemary.
23:31What does?
23:32All these trees.
23:34If we hang about, we should see Nelson Eddy come riding out
23:37in the uniform of the North West Mounted Police.
23:40Hey, I saw that film.
23:42Nelson Eddy fell in love with this Indian bird.
23:44If you'd seen nothing for days but trees,
23:46I think you could fall in love with anything.
23:49Well, are we going to walk down and look at my trees, or what?
23:52I bet there were Mounties falling in love all over the place.
23:57A fine body of men.
23:59Used to love their horses.
24:01Bird trappers, Eskimos, anything.
24:05They always got their man.
24:07Puts a whole new wealth of poignancy on that, doesn't it?
24:12Will you come in or not?
24:13Not!
24:15We'll stay here, Foggy, and wait for Nelson Eddy.
24:19That'll double you, men. Come on.
24:23Looks like we volunteered again.
24:27Yeah.
24:34They all look alike.
24:36How's the guy to know which is yours?
24:38I have a map.
24:40All we need now is a map,
24:42which helps him find his way about his map.
24:45I resent that slur on my military capabilities.
24:49But you're not looking for Christmas trees,
24:51because I reckon it's going to take me until Christmas to find them.
24:55I know what I'm doing.
24:56A map is as good as a picture to the trained military eye.
25:02We need to be over in that direction.
25:07500 yards.
25:15These?
25:16These are my trees.
25:18I have a signed receipt.
25:20Oh, yes, these are my trees.
25:22Well, a hundred of them, anyway.
25:24Beauties, aren't they?
25:26I told you this was the time to go shopping for Christmas bargains.
25:36Well, there's got to be kept busy singing this lot me fairy lights.
25:41The bloke who gave ten quid to end the pub thinks it is Christmas.
25:45That be done!
25:47It's hardly coming.
25:48Rubbish. We've got a snip here.
25:51We?
25:52By virtue of our shrewd investment.
25:54Our shrewd investment?
25:56Certainly.
25:57You don't think I'm so selfish as to keep a good thing like this all to myself?
26:01A mere £3.30 odd pence from each of you
26:07entitles you to full partnership in this lucrative enterprise.
26:11And we've only got curry, 33 and a bit each.
26:14I'm not moving them from here.
26:16I'm not surprised. You'd never get this lot into your purse.
26:20It's frightened you off, hasn't it?
26:22You're so used to thinking small, your minds won't expand.
26:26They're taking the opportunities we've come across here.
26:29They're not just trees.
26:32Try to think of them as pencils.
26:34Lollipop sticks.
26:36Toothpicks.
26:38My God, we could corner the toothpick market.
26:41Where are you going? Come back here.
26:43You're not running out on a goldmine.
26:47You'll be sorry when I'm driving past in the Bentley.
26:52All right, they're my trees. Now, listen.
27:00My God, they're crawling with insects.
27:03Get off.
27:07Well, the least you could do is help me keep them pest-free.
27:11Get off. Get off.
27:13Oh, my God.
27:17What's up with him, then?
27:22Christmas trees.
27:24£110 each.
27:27He gave ten quid to a stranger and a boozer.
27:31There was nothing strange about him, as far as I could see.
27:34He just happened to be there selling Christmas trees.
27:37Well, somebody has to.
27:39In midsummer, he took advantage of his slack season prices.
27:43The Forestry Commission were having a summer sale.
27:49If you keep your ear to the ground, you hear about things.
27:54You keep your ear to the ground and somebody treads on your head.
27:58They probably laughed at poor Getty when he bought his first oil well.
28:02Look at that fool, they said.
28:04Just partied with good money for a hole in the ground.
28:07Anything on the market would...
28:14Oh.
28:20No, see, it was all here on the map.
28:22Well, 100 Christmas trees.
28:24It was very black and white.
28:26I mean, 100 Christmas trees.
28:28No, no, no, no, no.
28:30I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:46He's right, it must be Christmas.
28:57What are you doing behind my counter?
28:59Oh, er, I like it behind your counter.
29:09They caught me unawares.
29:11And a Merry Christmas to you!
29:17Is he feeling better then, Foggy?
29:19Oh, shut up.
29:21Hey-up, he's still full of Christmas spirit.
29:24You're not going to jump, are you, Foggy?
29:26Just because you've lost ten quid.
29:28You're not going to fling yourself recklessly
29:30into this six inches of water, are you?
29:33No, I'm not.
29:35Listen, Foggy, when a friend makes a suggestion,
29:38the best you can do is listen to it.
29:42Lord, rest ye merry gentlemen
29:45Let nothing you dismay
29:48I suppose you think that's funny.
29:50HE LAUGHS
29:58APPLAUSE
30:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE