It is midsummer yet Foggy drags Compo and Norman out Christmas shopping to avoid the holiday rush, but the area merchants are having none of his foolishness.
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00:00🎵
00:30How far is it to New Zealand?
00:39Oh, right. Talk to the self.
00:42How far is it to New Zealand, Koppo?
00:44I don't know, Koppo.
00:45Koppo doesn't know how far it is to New Zealand!
00:51Didn't they tell you at school?
00:53The only thing I remember them telling me at school
00:56was never to do that again to Rosemary Hodgkins.
01:01So what happened?
01:02I did it to Wendy Fairclough.
01:05What?
01:06I put a centipede down her blouse!
01:11And that's your idea of time well spent, is it?
01:14Nah.
01:15There's not much to putting a centipede down a girl's blouse.
01:19But, seeing as how I was the only one who dared handle it,
01:23I had no fun of getting it out.
01:28You wouldn't think, would you, that from such small beginnings
01:31would come this interest in New Zealand?
01:34Oh, it's typical.
01:35I'll give him this much.
01:37He's been consistently disgusting all his life.
01:41It's just a growing lad's curiosity about the wonders of life.
01:45Interested in centipedes, were you?
01:48What a pleasant day.
01:51I wonder how many people realise that in conditions as good as this
01:54a well-trained sniper could pot them from almost a mile away.
01:58I'm glad I'm not a centipede.
02:00I fancy having an accident and discovering you've got a broken leg.
02:04Leg, leg, leg.
02:08The Oldfields are going to New Zealand.
02:11For Christmas.
02:12You don't have to go as far as that for it.
02:14It creeps up on you wherever you are.
02:17I'm going to be prepared for it this time.
02:20I hate people who leave things to the last minute.
02:24That's what our Nellie was always telling her husband.
02:27Didn't make any difference.
02:30They still had all them children.
02:54Ha, ha.
03:11Have you got a buyer this year, then?
03:13Who?
03:14Your Nellie's kids for Christmas.
03:16Oh, damn all at the moment.
03:18We haven't got rid of some of yet.
03:21Oh, that's my point, isn't it?
03:23Think about it, little short, scruffy person.
03:26Why should we wait till everyone else is on the Christmas rush?
03:30He's a great long prong, isn't he?
03:34How can a bloke think about Christmas this time of the year?
03:38Well, you're not going to believe this, but watch where you're treading,
03:41because I think there have been some reindeer around.
03:46Ha, ha, ha.
03:49Playing a head is the secret to good organisation.
03:53No, no, no.
03:58Happy Christmas, Foggy.
04:00Welcome to the season, Foggy.
04:03Ha, ha, ha.
04:05Oh, ha, ha.
04:07Oh, ha, ha.
04:09Oh, ho, ho.
04:11Ha, ha.
04:16What are we doing in here on a nice summer's day?
04:20It'll all become clear to you in a minute.
04:23I'll just sit down and wait patiently.
04:27Goodness knows I've had enough practice in doctor's surgeries.
04:30For what? You have.
04:32Oh, that were only when I were working.
04:34Working? You?
04:36The fastest sick note in the West.
04:38Oh, well, you see, I've got this back.
04:41The worst case of terminal sick note in medical history.
04:44I haven't heard that many notes.
04:46Only because you got fed up initially with the season ticket.
04:50I had six specialists at my back.
04:53So that's the explanation.
04:55For what?
04:56For those six holes in your shirt.
05:00Now, it's a while since I've used this.
05:03My very words to Nora Batty the other day.
05:07Hello.
05:10Hi. I was showing her me little whistle.
05:14Keep it quiet.
05:16It is quiet. It's a silent whistle.
05:18You've no idea how pleased I am about that.
05:21It's a poacher's whistle for calling your ferrets in the dark.
05:25Really? But what do you call ferrets in the dark?
05:28Come here, you beautiful...
05:31We just talked some clap-clap. It's not a ferret whistle.
05:34Those whistles you can't hear are dog whistles.
05:36Mine is a ferret's whistle.
05:38What's the difference?
05:39Have you ever tried getting a Labrador down a rabbit hole?
05:43Would you mind drawing the curtains, please?
05:46I hate drawing my curtains during the daytime.
05:50Suppose the neighbours start sending flowers.
05:54What are you going to show us, Eddie Rourke?
05:56You'll see.
05:58Oh, you're not going to show us them holiday snaps again, are you?
06:01No, I'm not going to show you those holiday snaps.
06:03What's the matter with my holiday snaps?
06:06Yes!
06:09Come away. Sit down.
06:10For your age, it's not what it's for. Come on.
06:13As a matter of fact, you've never seen these before.
06:16I'm showing you these with a very serious purpose.
06:19I want to remind you of last Christmas and what a disaster it was.
06:23And why?
06:24Because some idiot, who shall be nameless,
06:27had this great idea about not shopping early for Christmas.
06:32Some idiot had this theory about waiting till the last minute on Christmas Eve
06:36and snapping up all the bargains.
06:39What is that?
06:41That is last year's Christmas tree.
06:45That looks like a bit of old privy.
06:47It is a bit of old privy.
06:50Who was it who had this idea?
06:53About waiting till Christmas Eve to do our shopping.
06:57Oh, right, I did.
06:59Oh, the fun of the yuletide rush, you said.
07:02The ruddy sheiks and the choppers.
07:05The ruddy sheiks of the shoppers!
07:10You know, like it was when we were kids.
07:12All jostling happily together on Christmas Eve.
07:15Which last year fell on a Sunday.
07:17When all the shops were shut.
07:20Boom, boom. And this was our Christmas dinner.
07:26Very funny.
07:27Oh, how we laughed.
07:29A fish finger and a chip, we laughed.
07:33I wonder what they're doing in the workhouse, we said.
07:36And I wished I was doing it with them.
07:39Yeah, now right merry Christmas it was.
07:42Well, it's not going to happen again this year.
07:44As my old scoutmaster used to say, we are going to be prepared.
07:48So on your feet, you men. Come on.
07:51We are going to do our Christmas shopping.
07:53Christmas shopping?
07:54Christmas shopping?
07:57Oh, no. Christmas shopping?
07:59But it's only four o'clock.
08:04No, I don't like these places.
08:06What's wrong with these places?
08:08They make your life go too fast.
08:10Look at these.
08:12Congratulations on a happy event.
08:14Then a few birthdays.
08:16Wedding.
08:17Happy anniversary.
08:18A wallop, you're in to get well soon.
08:20No.
08:22No, you don't want to let cards make you nervous.
08:26Well, you've had as many cards as I've had.
08:29Oh, yeah? Fan mail now, is it?
08:31Ever since you became Miss Bet in shop 1945.
08:35Hey, happy condolences.
08:40Who sends cards to you?
08:42The electric gas board.
08:44Oh, I see. They're putting you off by postcard now, are they?
08:47I collect final warnings.
08:49Oh, you must have a nice little corner in that market.
08:51Years ago, long before you perfected that B-sign,
08:55all communications from the gas board of a threatening nature...
08:59Ah!
09:01Ah!
09:08No, don't tell us. Let me guess.
09:11Liberace.
09:14Bug off, Liberace.
09:17I'm doing a threatening nature.
09:19A big heavy from the gas board.
09:22Yeah.
09:24Oh!
09:33Did you see that?
09:35Did you see the way she looked at me?
09:38Her eyes were locked.
09:40Something electric passed between us.
09:43You'll be cutting that off next behaviour test.
09:50Now, what were you saying?
09:52Oh, I've forgotten.
09:53About communications from the gas board of a threatening nature.
09:56Oh, that. Oh, yes, yes.
09:58Well, the letters used to come from some employee in an office.
10:01On the managerial level. You know the type.
10:04Always has a robber. Knows the price of his wife's hair lacquer.
10:07There's always one at the party trying to corn you into spelling things like illegitimate.
10:13I-double-L-E-G-I-T-I-M-A-T.
10:16Have you got a robber?
10:22Come on, get on with it.
10:24No, I was just reflecting upon the impact of modernisation on this individual here.
10:28Who now gets his threatening letters from a computer.
10:31That's true, I do.
10:33And ignores them just the same as he always did.
10:35Isn't progress wonderful?
10:37That's just what people need on their greeting cards.
10:40Sticky fingerprints.
10:42Ah, Mavis, don't get sloppy.
10:44I knew the ma'am, she was a bit of a card.
10:46And she knew all about sticky fingerprints.
10:50I'm sorry about the interruption.
10:52We'd just like to see your selection of Christmas cards.
10:54Christmas cards?
10:56At this time of the year?
10:58Ah, yes, well, you see...
10:59Ah, Mavis, pay no attention.
11:01He's not been the same since the accident.
11:04Actually, I've not had an accident.
11:06Don't press your luck.
11:09Do you see the way his face shrivels up, you know, when he gets angry?
11:13Here, get well soon.
11:17Some days all you seem to get's comedians.
11:19Get well cards, Christmas cards.
11:22Oh, get out.
11:23I assure you, madam, I'm being perfectly serious.
11:25Get out.
11:26Hey, Foggy, whilst you're at it,
11:28ask her if she's got a Valentine card for Nora Batty.
11:31Preferably one with curlers.
11:34Out, the lot of you.
11:38Come on.
11:40Out.
11:42The lot of you.
11:51Good day to you, madam.
11:52We'd like to see your Christmas selection.
11:54I'll show you my books, you droozy comedian.
11:58Unpleasant sort of woman to be behind a counter.
12:01She might be all right if you like hard centres.
12:04Would you like to see her lose a bit of toffee, Albert?
12:09Mmm.
12:16You'd think they'd never heard of Christmas.
12:19A chap tries to do a spot of Christmas shopping
12:21and it throws the entire local economy into a bad tempered panic.
12:26Christmas shopping? At this time of the year?
12:28Oh, here we go again, look.
12:30Another local tradesman thrown into a right tizzy.
12:33Look, the trouble with them is they can't cope with a bit of forward planning.
12:37Do you know what date it is?
12:38Yes, I know what date it is.
12:40And you've been Christmas shopping?
12:42I've heard of somebody's watch being fast, but that's ridiculous.
12:46Typical civilian inefficiency.
12:48What is?
12:49Your attitude.
12:51Your tea's a bit like weasel pee and all.
12:53Weasel pee?
12:56No, it's just how we like it.
12:59I'll give you weasel pee.
13:00It wouldn't be so bad if you did, but you keep charging us for it.
13:04What?
13:10Have you unbung that drain yet?
13:15You saw that, didn't you?
13:16Big woman, smartly dressed. I think it was your wife, Sidney.
13:19I know it is.
13:20I just wish you'd draw your attention to the way she greeted me.
13:23Have you unbung that drain yet?
13:26They don't write dialogue like that in your average romantic novel.
13:29God, what was wrong with your drain?
13:31Foggy.
13:35You ought not to intrude between a man and his drains.
13:38Hey, Sid, she's looking very tasty as your Ivy.
13:42You know, apart from Nora Batty.
13:44Which is the only way to be.
13:47Who will always come first.
13:49Especially in a bus queue.
13:51She has elbows especially adapted for bus queues.
13:54Your Ivy is the type of woman who will always come first.
13:58Your Ivy is the kind of well-built lass I'd be happy to run away with.
14:02My Ivy is the kind of well-built lass I'd be happy for you to run away with.
14:08He doesn't mean that.
14:09I do mean that.
14:10No, it's the kind of wishful dream that people have.
14:13I know.
14:15Like wishing to serve your country in some dangerous secret capacity.
14:21It's not all that funny.
14:23I don't think it's funny for a man to want to go on serving his country.
14:26Oh, didn't they ask you to join MI5 then?
14:32All that talent wasted.
14:34You'll just have to keep yourself ready.
14:36I do.
14:37Me too. For Nora Batty and Sid's Ivy.
14:40You see, I dropped hints that I was available when my time was up in the army.
14:44I've watched for the postman every morning since but...
14:47nothing.
14:48Hey, Norm.
14:49They don't recruit for MI5 by post, do they?
14:52No, no, no.
14:53Some little bloke slides up to you in a pub and starts whispering in your ear.
14:57Oh, I've had that.
15:00Oh, you'd be surprised some of the situations it's got me into.
15:04It's very tricky.
15:05It's not the kind of activity where it's always safe to ask to see a person's credentials.
15:09But what annoys me is if they don't recruit from experienced people like me,
15:13where do they recruit from?
15:16Experienced?
15:17Me?
15:18You don't believe it? You try coming at me with a knife.
15:21Come on.
15:23Come on.
15:27Sit down.
15:29I haven't got a knife.
15:31Use your teaspoon.
15:34Sidney, get him a knife.
15:36You what? Let's not see him eating. He's the last beggar that ought to have a knife.
15:40I'm not having one of his blunt knives.
15:43You don't really think that some fiendish foreign agent is going to come at me with a table knife, does he?
15:49No, no, no.
15:50I'll just nip out into the kitchen and get a proper knife.
16:02Some people take everything so damn literally, don't they?
16:05Joe.
16:06Oh.
16:08Of course.
16:10The old knee's playing up a bit again, you know.
16:13I hope he doesn't throw my timing out by that hairline fraction.
16:16I wouldn't like to hurt him.
16:21You know, I think you ought to warn him not to tangle with me.
16:26Do you think he's ready for a real knife?
16:31See if you can disarm her from that tree.
16:33I'll cure him.
16:35I'll cure him of that urge he's got to sneak up on married women.
16:44I'd rather not go into details.
16:46I can understand that.
16:49No offence intended, Norm.
16:50Oh, none taken.
16:52But I mean, when you've spent a lifetime perfecting a technique of impressing yourself on married women,
16:58you don't want to give away all your secrets in a pub.
17:01Now, that's good thinking.
17:03I mean, you never know who may be listening.
17:05Absolutely. And in the wrong hands, a technique like that could be devastating.
17:10You never know where it might end.
17:12Well, it usually ends with you getting clobbered with a tray.
17:16Aye, but it's worth it.
17:19Of course, that's Ivy.
17:21Nora usually comes at me with a yard brush.
17:23Oh, it's a powerful technique you've perfected there.
17:26It is, Norm. It is.
17:29Hey, look at that.
17:32What's he doing with that big bloke at the bar?
17:35Trying to get his breath back, I think.
17:39It's not as if they knew each other.
17:41Hey, maybe his dreams come true at last.
17:44Maybe he's just been recruited for MI5.
17:48Hey, it must be something serious if Foggy's got his purse out.
17:53Oh, look at that action, man. That's smooth.
17:57I hope he finds a better place to keep his suicide pill.
18:00If it gets locked in there, it'll be quicker to die of athlete's foot.
18:10Well, there we are then.
18:12Ten pounds. Just poured off the Christmas bargain of the year.
18:16Ten pounds for a bit of an old map?
18:19It's not for the map. It's for what's there, on the map.
18:23It's not Captain Morgan's buried treasure.
18:25You've bought Captain Morgan's buried treasure,
18:28not from a stranger in a pub who's just drunk off and left with your ten quid.
18:32Hey, if it's buried treasure, I'm not doing any digging.
18:35I've got this bad back.
18:37No, it's nothing like that.
18:39Oh, that's all right.
18:40I mean, what sort of a fool do you think I am?
18:44Look, the Forestry Commission is having a Christmas sale.
18:48The Forestry Commission?
18:49Well, you've heard of the Forestry Commission, haven't you?
18:51I've heard of it, yes. I've just never heard of it having a Christmas sale.
18:54That's where I've been so lucky.
18:56Oh, you've been lucky, Foggy.
18:58You've never heard of it because it hasn't been announced yet.
19:01Now, by pure coincidence, I happened to get into conversation at the bar
19:04with the one man in this area who knows about it.
19:07That urban who's just sneaked off with your ten quid?
19:11Area Forestry Officer.
19:13What?
19:14That big lump at the bar?
19:17Well, why not?
19:18That sweaty prawn in a T-shirt?
19:21Well, you don't think he's going to wear woolly jumpers in a job like that, do you?
19:25They'll never stop untangling him from the trees.
19:27I'm beginning to think you'd have been better off meeting Captain Morgan,
19:30and he was a Welshman, so I don't say that lightly.
19:33Now, come on, Foggy. Tell us, really.
19:35I mean, what have you actually bought?
19:40Christmas trees.
19:42A hundred of them for ten pounds. How's that for a bargain?
19:48Did you learn the name of this Area Forestry Officer?
19:52Yeah, of course I did.
19:53Well, go on, then.
19:55Eric.
19:58Eric who?
20:02Big Eric.
20:06I didn't hear you knocking.
20:09I was tidying up the airing cupboard.
20:12Oh, I'm not stopping.
20:14Sugar?
20:16Oh, I didn't ought to, really.
20:18Say when.
20:23Er, thank you.
20:27Cutting down again, are you?
20:31I can't drink it without.
20:33I can't drink it without.
20:35I never use it meself.
20:37And it shows, love.
20:41If you took a spoonful occasionally, you might find it might relax you.
20:45Keep your hands off your airing cupboard.
20:47Oh, they need some new vests.
20:49They're only fit for dusters.
20:51Yes, I will say that for them.
20:53Troublesome as men are, their old vests make lovely dusters.
20:58If it won't shine with an old vest, it won't shine, I always say.
21:03Mind you, your wally's so small,
21:05I'm surprised you've got enough vests to do more than one window.
21:09Oh, I've always bought them for him extra long.
21:12I should think medium looks like extra long on your wally.
21:16Small has its advantages.
21:18At least you have no trouble getting into every corner.
21:22Which brings me to why I wanted to see you.
21:25Somebody else who has no trouble in getting in every corner.
21:28Your neighbour.
21:29Him down there with the clutching hands.
21:32Small and obnoxious.
21:34You don't have to tell me about him.
21:37I've been dodging him for years.
21:39He grabbed me in the kitchen this morning.
21:42Came up behind you?
21:43Yeah.
21:44Quick feint with his left hand, then whoops it to you with his right.
21:48That's right.
21:49Oh, I know his every move.
21:51I nearly dropped the chip pan.
21:53You should have.
21:54Down his trousers.
21:57The sooner it gets covered in batter, the safer it's going to be.
22:02Safer for every one of us round here.
22:05But you see, it isn't everyone, is it?
22:07It's just you and me.
22:09See, that's why I thought we ought to have a talk.
22:11What are we going to do about him?
22:14It's getting so you need eyes in the back of your corsets.
22:17How are we going to stop him?
22:19Well, I normally use me yard brush.
22:22Say he catches you when you haven't got your yard brush with you.
22:25Oh, I don't go far without me yard brush.
22:28No, but say he catches you without it.
22:31Then I hope he's washed his hands.
22:35And try not to think about his ferrets.
22:40But it's time that he was stopped.
22:42Oh, you don't have to convince me.
22:44That cheeky devil's been places that would never occur to my Wally.
22:48Even if he was looking for one of his damn pigeons.
22:52You know what we're doing wrong, don't you?
22:54We're too defensive.
22:56We start leaping about and shrieking when he grabs us.
22:59Well, that just encourages him.
23:01It's time we started fighting back.
23:04Will you have a piece of carrot?
23:06I think I will, love.
23:09While we decide how we're going to handle him.
23:11With gloves, of course, being the first thing that springs to mind.
23:21Hey, that's a lot of Christmas trees.
23:24They're not all mine.
23:26I can't even afford a hundred.
23:28It reminds me of Rosemary.
23:31What does?
23:32All these trees.
23:34If we hang about, we should see Nelson Eddy come riding out
23:37in the uniform of the North West Mounted Police.
23:40Hey, I saw that film.
23:42Nelson Eddy fell in love with this Indian bird.
23:44If you'd seen nothing for days but trees,
23:46I think you could fall in love with anything.
23:49Well, are we going to walk down and look at my trees, or what?
23:52I bet there were Mounties falling in love all over the place.
23:57A fine body of men.
23:59Used to love their horses.
24:01Bird trappers, Eskimos, anything.
24:05They always got their man.
24:07Puts a whole new wealth of poignancy on that, doesn't it?
24:12Will you come in or not?
24:13Not!
24:15We'll stay here, Foggy, and wait for Nelson Eddy.
24:19That'll double you, men. Come on.
24:23Looks like we volunteered again.
24:27Yeah.
24:34They all look alike.
24:36How's the guy to know which is yours?
24:38I have a map.
24:40All we need now is a map,
24:42which helps him find his way about his map.
24:45I resent that slur on my military capabilities.
24:49But you're not looking for Christmas trees,
24:51because I reckon it's going to take me until Christmas to find them.
24:55I know what I'm doing.
24:56A map is as good as a picture to the trained military eye.
25:02We need to be over in that direction.
25:07500 yards.
25:15These?
25:16These are my trees.
25:18I have a signed receipt.
25:20Oh, yes, these are my trees.
25:22Well, a hundred of them, anyway.
25:24Beauties, aren't they?
25:26I told you this was the time to go shopping for Christmas bargains.
25:36Well, there's got to be kept busy singing this lot me fairy lights.
25:41The bloke who gave ten quid to end the pub thinks it is Christmas.
25:45That be done!
25:47It's hardly coming.
25:48Rubbish. We've got a snip here.
25:51We?
25:52By virtue of our shrewd investment.
25:54Our shrewd investment?
25:56Certainly.
25:57You don't think I'm so selfish as to keep a good thing like this all to myself?
26:01A mere £3.30 odd pence from each of you
26:07entitles you to full partnership in this lucrative enterprise.
26:11And we've only got curry, 33 and a bit each.
26:14I'm not moving them from here.
26:16I'm not surprised. You'd never get this lot into your purse.
26:20It's frightened you off, hasn't it?
26:22You're so used to thinking small, your minds won't expand.
26:26They're taking the opportunities we've come across here.
26:29They're not just trees.
26:32Try to think of them as pencils.
26:34Lollipop sticks.
26:36Toothpicks.
26:38My God, we could corner the toothpick market.
26:41Where are you going? Come back here.
26:43You're not running out on a goldmine.
26:47You'll be sorry when I'm driving past in the Bentley.
26:52All right, they're my trees. Now, listen.
27:00My God, they're crawling with insects.
27:03Get off.
27:07Well, the least you could do is help me keep them pest-free.
27:11Get off. Get off.
27:13Oh, my God.
27:17What's up with him, then?
27:22Christmas trees.
27:24£110 each.
27:27He gave ten quid to a stranger and a boozer.
27:31There was nothing strange about him, as far as I could see.
27:34He just happened to be there selling Christmas trees.
27:37Well, somebody has to.
27:39In midsummer, he took advantage of his slack season prices.
27:43The Forestry Commission were having a summer sale.
27:49If you keep your ear to the ground, you hear about things.
27:54You keep your ear to the ground and somebody treads on your head.
27:58They probably laughed at poor Getty when he bought his first oil well.
28:02Look at that fool, they said.
28:04Just partied with good money for a hole in the ground.
28:07Anything on the market would...
28:14Oh.
28:20No, see, it was all here on the map.
28:22Well, 100 Christmas trees.
28:24It was very black and white.
28:26I mean, 100 Christmas trees.
28:28No, no, no, no, no.
28:30I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:46He's right, it must be Christmas.
28:57What are you doing behind my counter?
28:59Oh, er, I like it behind your counter.
29:09They caught me unawares.
29:11And a Merry Christmas to you!
29:17Is he feeling better then, Foggy?
29:19Oh, shut up.
29:21Hey-up, he's still full of Christmas spirit.
29:24You're not going to jump, are you, Foggy?
29:26Just because you've lost ten quid.
29:28You're not going to fling yourself recklessly
29:30into this six inches of water, are you?
29:33No, I'm not.
29:35Listen, Foggy, when a friend makes a suggestion,
29:38the best you can do is listen to it.
29:42Lord, rest ye merry gentlemen
29:45Let nothing you dismay
29:48I suppose you think that's funny.
29:50HE LAUGHS
29:58APPLAUSE
30:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE