Last Of The Summer Wines- S05E09 - Whoops (1981 Christmas Special)
With Christmas approaching, the trio decide to invite long-lost friends from the town for a drink at the pub on Christmas Eve.
Transcript
00:30I would like to take this opportunity of wishing you both the compliments of the
00:44season and to point out that it has not done all our Christmas shopping. Time is
00:52getting short. We've finished our Christmas shopping. Oh well as long as
00:57there's absolutely certain. We're very grateful for the reminder but yes thank
01:01you we're absolutely certain. Good fine fine I just thought I'd mention it you
01:05know it's only a few days to Christmas and there's going to be kicking us up if
01:09there's a forgotten anybody. We've got you a little present. Oh don't you dare
01:19stop stop it. That reminds me I must unblock my sink. How big a little
01:30present. Don't tell him he might kiss me again. Three coffees please Sid. Coffees?
01:39You usually have teas. The tea is terrible. So is the coffee. So what's the
01:43difference? Something's a cup. We'll have three teas. Hey he's got the real spirit
01:50of Christmas ain't he? Hey is that sure that's bought me a present? Just relax.
01:56Well I hope it's not useful. I hate useful presents. That's all you ever get useful
02:02presents. I remember one year our lass gave me thermal underwear. You don't half
02:09know where you stand fascination wise when your wife buys you thermal underwear.
02:15Where's that going for Christmas Nancy? Going? It's not going anywhere. He's stopping at
02:22home to enjoy it like we always do. That's right I'm stopping at home to enjoy it
02:27like we always do. We're having all my brothers and their wives. Oh are you? We're
02:33having turkey. Ivy. Hold Ivy. Just look at this. That habit of yours. Habit? Distressing
02:50ladies. Oh that one aye? When you look at what happens is it really worth it? No I give
02:57you my word it is really worth it. As long as you're happy. Christmas comes but once
03:07a year and even then the tea gets no better. Christmas can't last forever. It just feels
03:12like it. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, then there's the weekend, then it's the
03:18New Year. It's all over in about a fortnight. Who knows what's wrong? Oh yeah it's Christmas
03:27it's not what it used to be. Oh yes it is. It's us what's changed. When did you change?
03:33You've had that shirt on a month. I shall change into something different for a special occasion
03:39like when we go out for our Christmas Eve drink. Yeah why don't you use that outfit you've scarcely
03:44ever worn? What outfit's that? Your working clothes. Ah bloody ha. Oh look at that face.
03:55What a misery eh? Got a face like my Uncle Dudley's mule. I didn't know your Uncle Dudley
04:03had a mule. I followed him home one night. Oh I see he fell off a lorry did he? No he was just
04:09taking charge of it till the rightful owner turned up. Oh that's very public spirited.
04:14In a minute's a change for him to be followed home by something other than a policeman.
04:18Do you know I think he cared more for that mule than he did my Auntie Annie.
04:22Well it seems reasonable to me. Oh me especially when you take into consideration your Auntie
04:29Annie's tendency to bite. She only bit strangers and I will say this for her they never went septic.
04:38They never went twice either. If she took a shite to somebody she could be very amiable
04:45could my Auntie Annie and she knew how to celebrate Christmas. From about the beginning
04:51of August onward. She had great enthusiasm. She knew how to work at having a good time.
04:59That's our trouble we're not working at it. Oh yeah fine qualifications you've got for teaching
05:04anyone to work. Listen Daisy May you've got to get in the mood. You've got to get some
05:10big excitement into your life. I don't think I've ever had any big excitements in my life.
05:17Come on you must have had some big excitements. Yes I tell a lie there was that time on my honeymoon.
05:27Well go on.
05:30We met this couple from Stoke-on-Trent. Hey Stoke-on-Trent.
05:37We went around a bit as a foursome. The two women got on well they used to
05:42get their heads together swapping notes and I was left with him. He seemed all right except for a
05:48bit of a tendency to be over cheerful. So where was the big excitement? Well it was him. We hadn't
05:54known him 12 hours and he started doing Al Jolson impressions. A couple of drinks down him and voila
06:02top of his voice Al Jolson impressions. Now that was exciting. Exciting? Well it was to me. I didn't
06:10know where to hide. I was on me honeymoon remember. Me nerves were all raw anyway. Nasty.
06:20I had this book in a plain cover that I'd been recommended to read.
06:28The Secrets of Marital Harmony. I'd never seen anything like it in my life.
06:35I thought all I had to do was take her a cup of tea in the morning.
06:40Now right in the middle of that there was this Herbert doing his Al Jolson impressions.
06:47To this day I can't look at an illustrated medical book without thinking of Al Jolson.
06:54Well of course it was uh it was an Al Jolson period wasn't it? Everybody was doing it.
06:58I mean he went through the nation like like an illness. It was like an epidemic.
07:03Well it was damned embarrassing. I mean you could be having a quiet drink and suddenly this fellow
07:07at the next table probably a kind father to his children he'd lose his head and go completely
07:12musical. Terrible. It was the relatives you felt sorry for. Can we have more onion in the stuffing
07:20this year? George, you are desperate for excitement aren't you?
07:43We knew how to enjoy ourselves in them days. Long distance yo-yo. Freestyle spitting.
07:50We did better than that. Like what? Popping frogs down girls' blouses.
07:57Is there much scope do you think at your age for popping frogs down ladies' blouses?
08:01Well better than carol singing. I don't like handling the things. They're all right. It's
08:06frogs. They won't harm them. I don't mean frogs. It's the ladies. Oh you great pair of jessies.
08:15Oh well all right. I suppose there's something we could do that doesn't involve the ladies.
08:21Well I used to enjoy the the cut and thrust of a really competitive game of marbles.
08:29Well all right then short and shapeless what do you suggest? When did we last walk on our hands?
08:34Chin up a drain pipe. Climb a lamp post. Jump off a bus while it was still moving.
08:40We've let all that slide. It's true. It has to be admitted I've let all that slide.
09:01I must say the sight of a scruffy person upside down
09:06makes you think twice before you start stuffing the turkey.
09:09All right let's go and try our way out of jumping off bussy hook.
09:18Do we open our eyes?
09:22You should open your eyes.
09:24Get ready boys!
09:35Then there was puddle splashing. Flicking girls elastic. I never did that. That's too late now.
09:43You should have made the most of your educational opportunities.
09:47Now there were some great lads. Facing haircuts and sherbet around their mouths. Yeah I used to
09:54like a bit of sherbet. I was 14 before I realized that lips were not necessarily yellow.
10:01He was just playing marbles I used to enjoy. Yeah some great hard walkers.
10:10Yeah and climbing things. You know there were some great climbers.
10:14Ah some great lads. They've all gone now.
10:19How do you mean they've all gone now? All fallen untimely into the jaws of matrimony.
10:27Hey why don't we go and see them? They're all going dumb at this Christmas. Maybe we could have
10:32a drink together. With such as who? People we haven't seen for years. Old Chopper and Wright.
10:38Oh I'd love to see old Chopper again. My god that's gonna be a treat.
10:44Gordon Lippinscale.
10:47Gordon Lippinscale.
10:51Old Splutter. Oh definitely. We've got to see old Splutter. He's up town anyway somewhere.
10:59Yeah but the damn fellow used to spit all over everybody.
11:02Well probably when he got excited. He's our age now. What's left to get excited about?
11:09You can't read captured times past. Once a mate always a mate.
11:18Does he remember when Chopper used to wrestle with Doreen Tattersall?
11:22Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He never actually won did he?
11:25Oh no he never actually won. But she were cocking a school weren't you?
11:30Fair dues. Oh he kept on trying. He must have spent hours under Doreen Tattersall.
11:40It wasn't so bad in winter.
11:48Well this doesn't look like the abode of a Chopper and Wright.
11:51Well this is the address. What does the expect?
11:55Well I thought perhaps something in corrugated iron and broken glass.
12:10Oh Merry Christmas Mrs. Enright.
12:14If you've come kajin or carol singing don't start. I'm fed up with the beggars.
12:18No no we were just wondering if Chopper were in.
12:21Chopper? Who's Chopper when he's at home?
12:25He means Douglas Mrs. Enright.
12:28Then why don't you say Douglas? Does he have difficulty with his words?
12:32Just tell him an old mate called.
12:34Douglas? It's for you. There's a tramp at the door.
12:40There you are Betty.
12:44Wait there a minute.
12:47Tramp at the door? What a cheeky bit.
12:53God only knows but it says it's an old mate of yours.
12:56Doesn't it? Yes you fool.
12:58Get rid of it and there's two other weird looking beggars.
13:02What do you want? Never mind what they want.
13:05Get rid of them and don't be giving them anything.
13:11You wanted to see me?
13:13The same old Chopper. Out for a laugh.
13:17Pretending he don't remember us.
13:19What do you want? What do you want?
13:21Eh what's this?
13:23Quack quack quack.
13:25Now he remembers that Chopper.
13:27Nobody calls me Chopper anymore.
13:29The duck impressions. There were great duck impressions.
13:31Weren't they great duck impressions?
13:33Extremely gifted.
13:35One of the all time greats.
13:37Oh my god that's going back a bit.
13:39You've not given up the duck impressions have you Chop?
13:41You do don't you?
13:43We were at school together.
13:45We were at school together.
13:47We were at school together.
13:49We were at school together.
13:51We were at school together.
13:53We were at school together.
13:55Aye.
13:57Simmer night.
13:59And that's Cleggie.
14:01And you'll remember him.
14:03Dewurst eh?
14:05The great big lily in standard four.
14:11Well well.
14:13Oh Chop.
14:15He don't look bad does he?
14:17Considering all that rolling about he did under Doreen Tafferson.
14:19Shh.
14:21It'll be warmer in there.
14:33Yeah well they said it was Christmas.
14:35We thought we'd look the up Chopper.
14:37I'm glad you did.
14:39Oh yes I'm really glad you did.
14:43I can't tell you how glad I am you did.
14:45Oh I'm glad.
14:47I'm glad.
14:55Well this is great.
14:57Isn't it great?
14:59Great.
15:01Great.
15:07How's the doing there Chop?
15:09Oh pretty well.
15:11You know.
15:13We know.
15:15I have to watch what I eat mind you.
15:17I get these terrible colic spasms.
15:21And me knee.
15:23Oh God it's sometimes agony is this knee.
15:25It gives me some jip does this knee.
15:29Would you like to see it?
15:35You ought to see it.
15:37You'll not believe this knee.
15:39It's not unsightly is it?
15:41Oh no.
15:43Oh no.
15:45It's just that I'm below average at unsightly.
15:47Oh no.
15:49It's just like anybody else's knee.
15:51On the surface.
15:53We're not going to look under the surface are we?
15:55Oh no.
16:01Well it looks a perfectly average knee.
16:05Not cleaner than it used to be.
16:07I don't know what there's to worry about.
16:09It's just like anybody else's knee.
16:11Why does it give me all this jip?
16:13Maybe it is somebody else's knee.
16:17It's obviously something internal.
16:19That's it.
16:21You've spotted it.
16:23He's spotted it.
16:25It's here.
16:27If you dig your finger in just about here.
16:29You can feel this little knobbly thing.
16:31Now the question is.
16:33Does everybody have that little knobbly thing?
16:41Douglas!
16:51Douglas!
16:53Douglas!
17:09I never thought I'd feel sympathy
17:11for your friend right?
17:13But your heart goes out to anybody
17:15who has to live with a voice like hers.
17:17Maybe that's what's wrong with his knee.
17:19He won't be coming to your party then?
17:21Well it's not a party exactly.
17:23It's just a few drinks for Christmas Eve.
17:25Wish me in the butcher's arms.
17:27Old friends are welcome.
17:29We did tell him but no.
17:31I don't suppose he'll be coming.
17:33He didn't even do his duck impressions.
17:37Oh well.
17:39Perhaps he'll have more luck
17:41with old Splutter.
17:43Duck impressions?
17:45You must be joking.
17:47You must be joking.
18:17Gordon Lippinscale.
18:19Gordon Lippinscale.
18:21Gordon Lippinscale.
18:23Sorry.
18:25It is isn't it?
18:27Of course it is.
18:29I remember him better upside down.
18:31Upside down?
18:33Aye they were always walking on their hands.
18:35Trapping your tie in the door
18:37is a new trick eh Gordon?
18:39Oh.
18:41You notice that?
18:43He don't know it is.
18:45He don't know it is.
18:47He don't remember us.
18:49Yes of course I do.
18:51Good heavens what do you take me for?
18:53Of course I remember you.
18:55Well.
18:57Well.
18:59How are you all?
19:01How are you keeping?
19:03Oh.
19:05Is that my telephone?
19:07I think it's her telephone.
19:09Yes I believe it is.
19:11Wouldn't you know it.
19:13There goes the damn telephone.
19:15Well.
19:17Nice to have seen you.
19:25Merry Christmas.
19:33Well I thought at least you would have remembered me.
19:35Why thee?
19:37What's so unforgettable about thee?
19:39I'll tell you why me.
19:41Because I once gave him
19:43my best glass alley marble.
19:45Unmarked it was.
19:47Absolutely perfect. Big as an egg.
19:49How come that's ever given out away
19:51for free?
19:53Well it was a blood brothers
19:55ceremony.
19:57You know we swapped things.
19:59We gave each other gifts.
20:01It was either that or cut your wrists and let the blood mingle.
20:03I thought stuff that for a time.
20:05What did he give you?
20:07German measles.
20:09He let me feel his spots.
20:11I was off school for three weeks.
20:13I thought that was better than a glass alley marble.
20:15Well it was when I was at home
20:17but she once got back
20:19to school.
20:21I really missed that marble.
20:25Well at least I knows I's had German
20:27measles.
20:29Had to be a consolation if ever that gets pregnant.
20:39What do you want that for?
20:41That's forgotten.
20:43That's both forgotten.
20:45Well that's very true.
20:47I must confess that
20:49Nora Batty's clothes prop was the last thing on me mind.
20:51Doesn't he look like
20:53Charlton Heston as Moses?
20:55I'm going to lead his people
20:57out of the betting shops.
20:59I've got a pole vault.
21:01I was a little demon
21:03at pole vaulting with clothes props
21:05when I was at school.
21:07Ah!
21:13Get on with it.
21:15Stand back and relax it.
21:17Here I come.
21:19Is that a long enough run?
21:23Get a move on
21:25or it'll soon be boxing day.
21:27Here I come Nick.
21:29Geronimo!
21:37Oh look what you've done
21:39to my best clothes prop.
21:45Never thought I'd see
21:47Charlton Heston
21:49doing the 39 steps backwards.
21:55Batty!
21:57Come on my little lovely, come here.
21:59Come on.
22:01Yeah she's alright.
22:03Oh dear
22:05He's got to be a right Christmasy
22:07this is.
22:09There's me, thee and him.
22:11Oh I don't know,
22:13old chupper might drop in.
22:15What a bore everyone with his me.
22:17No he won't come.
22:19And when Gordon Lippinscale reads that invitation
22:21that we dropped through his letterbox
22:23and realises just who we are
22:27I don't suppose he'll come, I hope.
22:29Oh don't you start.
22:31Why don't you
22:33decorate this place a bit for Christmas?
22:35You cheeky bat.
22:37This is decorated for Christmas.
22:41Where?
22:45There.
22:49Yeah very stylish that.
22:51You can always tell when the decor's
22:53been done professionally.
22:57Have you got room for one more
22:59feeling miserable?
23:03Oh it's
23:05same at our house.
23:07I thought I'd come and bring you all a
23:09mince pie.
23:11That's very kind of you Wally
23:13but I don't know that we're up to all that
23:15sort of excitement.
23:17Oh come on, get him down you.
23:19I have to.
23:23They're not bad mince pies,
23:25all those.
23:27I've never touched the sides.
23:31Is that husband of mine here?
23:35Have you been swiping my mince pies?
23:37Mince pies?
23:41Not me Nora love.
23:43Take them mince pies I said, take them away.
23:45Keep them.
23:47That poor woman having to slave
23:49over her hot stove I said.
23:51Oh I can't turn
23:53him back for two minutes.
23:55He wants to be helping, that's him.
24:03Take him back he says.
24:05That poor woman he says.
24:07No don't touch me.
24:09Come here.
24:11Do you realise that's the first time
24:13I've never laid hands on Nora Batty.
24:17And what is worse,
24:19that's the first time I've never wanted
24:21to lay hands on Nora Batty.
24:23If that's any consolation to you,
24:25there must be several hundred people who've never wanted
24:27to lay hands on Nora Batty.
24:29Several hundred and one.
24:31Oh boy.
24:33What's happening to me?
24:35Just to think I've passed the peak
24:37of my romantic powers.
24:39I think it's a possibility
24:41you certainly ought to consider.
24:45This is going to turn out to be a right Christmas,
24:47I can see that.
24:53Why don't we move in there
24:55where there's a bit more life?
24:57No, no, I'm alright.
24:59I don't think I'm ready for life.
25:01My God,
25:03this is going to be a sparkling Christmas Eve
25:05with him in this mood.
25:07You two go on, go on, enjoy yourselves.
25:09Snatch a bit of happiness while you can.
25:11Oh dear, oh dear, on with the motley.
25:13Whilst there's still time.
25:15Till one day
25:17you find that it's,
25:19it's all gone.
25:23You find all what's gone?
25:25All the raging lust
25:27for the pleasures of the flesh.
25:29Oh, that old thing.
25:33Oh, I was glad when mine stopped raging
25:35and I could settle down to the comparative
25:37piece of being 29.
25:43Personally I always found it helpful to
25:45sublimate the whole thing by
25:47a deep study of the NCO's
25:49handbook on close order drill.
25:53I never thought it would happen to me.
25:55Bound to in the end.
25:57My favourite end and all.
26:01It's a bit of a reunion, Danny.
26:03What's up with you? I was going to stay in
26:05and bathe me knee. That's right.
26:07Go on.
26:09Think of your old pleasures first.
26:11Well, perhaps just a quick drink.
26:13Can't possibly stay long though.
26:15Oh, you're a reckless
26:17pair of beggars these days. You could do
26:19with loosening up a bit. I'm afraid you can't
26:21recapture the old days.
26:25I mean,
26:27don't they realise
26:29it's hopeless trying to
26:31recapture the old days?
26:33You can't keep on
26:35telling them. No.
26:37You can't tell them.
26:39Mind you,
26:41you have to keep trying.
26:43Well, we'll let them find out
26:45the hard way.
26:47We'll give them an hour to get
26:49settled with themselves. Then we'll go
26:51and pick up the pieces.
27:01They're in here.
27:03Oh.
27:05They were in here.
27:07I heard them doing duck impressions.
27:09Duck impressions?
27:11Oh, I don't like
27:13the sound of that. Me neither.
27:15But it is Christmas Eve.
27:19Quack, quack, quack, quack.
27:21Quack, quack, quack, quack.
27:27Don't they make you
27:29feel small?
27:31Oh, I'll kill him when I get
27:33him home.
27:35Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
27:37Ey up, Nora.
27:39That's looking very tasty,
27:41aren't they?
27:43Oh, it's all
27:45coming back to me, that old black magic.
27:47Where's the mistletoe?
27:49Mistletoe?
27:51Come here.
27:57This is going to be a right
27:59Christmas.
28:07I'm not waiting all night, you know.
28:09Now come down this minute.
28:13What on earth are you
28:15doing up there, Wally Batty?
28:17I forget now.
28:19He seemed a good idea
28:21at the time.
28:25Let's go and see how the turkey's getting on.
28:27It's nice to see
28:29Chopper and old Splutter letting their hair
28:31down after a drink or two.
28:33It gives you hope for humanity.
28:35You scrap some boring
28:37pompous old devil, and there
28:39underneath is the same old silly
28:41loveable beggar. Merry Christmas,
28:43Chopper.
28:45I told you I can
28:47still do it.
28:51Oh, Merry
28:53Christmas, Gordon.
28:55How did you get down?
28:57You didn't remember how we used to get
28:59down?
29:01The thing that surprised me was that
29:03casual way Gordon seems to
29:05have lost that glass of marble.
29:07Are we opening our presents tonight?
29:09No, we are not opening our
29:11presents tonight.
29:13You can wait till tomorrow.
29:15Oh, I'll try. I'll
29:17try. Come on.
29:27Get your time in, Brad.
29:29Get your time in from me.
29:31I don't care. I don't care.
29:33I've had Nora Batty under the mistletoe.
29:35You know, for a woman of her age
29:37she has very well preserved
29:39lips. I hope I don't
29:41have to kiss anybody. Promise
29:43me I don't have to kiss anybody.
29:45It's a lot like parachute training. You just
29:47bend your knees when you hit the ground.
29:49Sounds like pretty advanced
29:51kissing to me.
29:53Here we go.
29:55Everybody move.
29:57Oh!
30:07Why do you have to shout
30:09Geronimo?
30:11I didn't shout Geronimo.
30:13Oh, yes, you did every single
30:15time, right in my earhole.
30:17Well, what else is there to shout?
30:19Well, er,
30:21what about
30:23whoops?
30:25You know, much more appropriate.
30:27Whoops!
30:29Whoops!
30:31Much more.
30:33Whoops!
30:55When we were dreaming
30:57of two mellow
30:59days, two brains
31:01forever blessed
31:03and young, two friends
31:05whose love became
31:07the sun that
31:09gave us love
31:11above.
31:13Two friends whose love
31:15became the sun
31:17that gave us love
31:19above.
31:21Snow,
31:23snow,
31:25snow,
31:27snow,
31:29snow,
31:31snow,
31:33snow.