Last Of The Summer Wines- S06E02 - Car and Garter
Foggy takes it into his head that the Trio must help Ivy's image of Sid and convince Wesley to use him in his latest experiment ... But when Ivy gives her opinion Compo steps in for the price of a flash of Nora's garters - and she has a special surprise for him as well.
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00:30How do you get marmalade off a ferret?
00:50Well, I think I should first ask it nicely if I could have the jar back.
00:57I wouldn't bother.
00:58If the ferret had the marmalade, I think I'd go for the jam.
01:02Yes, that's probably the best solution.
01:05He hasn't got the whole jar.
01:07Oh, possibly, honey.
01:09Honey?
01:14Eat honey.
01:15Well, they're going to have to if the ferret's got the marmalade.
01:18What's wrong with honey? Extremely nutritious, this honey.
01:22What's wrong with it? You know what honey is.
01:26Well, of course we know what honey is.
01:30Then what is it, almighty mouth?
01:34It's, you know, it's...
01:36It's that stuff the ferret hasn't got.
01:38No, no, honey is a natural product.
01:41Oh, it's a natural product, all right.
01:44Honey is bee spit.
01:48Well, milk spit in some funny places.
01:52And God knows where beef burgers come from.
01:56Well, I don't know how anyone can put honey on their bread.
01:59Well, I don't understand how anyone puts marmalade on ferrets.
02:04I had this nosy young ferret exploring me marmalade.
02:10I'd left the lid off the jar.
02:15What I can't understand is why anybody keeps a ferret in a jar.
02:22Hey!
02:31Oh, not again. I'm afraid not.
02:34Please, please. Not again.
02:38Please.
02:46I wore a patapa straight this morning, dancing round me bed.
02:51Modern or old time?
02:54Tramp, you daft buttock.
02:56Nasty.
02:57Oh, what agony.
02:58Agony? You don't know what agony is.
03:01Give me a jiff, I can tell thee.
03:04The back of me calf are all knotted up like Nora Batty's stocking legs.
03:10You know, that's one thing I can't stand about that woman.
03:14Her wrinkled stocking legs.
03:17Well, maybe her stockings are all right.
03:20It could be her legs that are wrinkled.
03:23What horrible thought.
03:26Nobody knows what agony is,
03:28till they've got trained knuckles digging into certain fatal pressure points
03:33known only to those of us who've undergone the ultimate in combat experience.
03:42That's one of the last noises they make before going limp in your feet.
03:46They were never anywhere near combat experience.
03:49That's true.
03:50How did you manage to avoid holy wedlock in that cunning manner, Bobby?
03:55He were terrified.
03:58That's just one of the sacrifices you have to make.
04:02No little woman waiting by the cottage door.
04:05Never the patter of tiny feet.
04:08Not being able to go browsing round mother care.
04:12This is just some of the snags of being a professional killer.
04:16Never a corporal side rider.
04:19Yes.
04:22But you should have seen him sharpen his pencil.
04:38I used to do a lot of training in me own time.
04:42Rubbish.
04:44I didn't know you could speak upside down.
04:47You could do it.
04:48Not for you, perhaps.
04:49You must have a flair for it.
04:51That's it, dog.
04:52I've got a flair for it.
04:54I didn't waste my time in the army, you know.
04:57I used to take advantage of the various further educational courses.
05:02I used to take advantage of Gloria Pendleberry.
05:06I thought there was always a queue.
05:08Only in the war.
05:12I took courses in basic Russian, flower painting, and advanced silent killing.
05:21You know, what gets me is, every time you're upside down, the blood rushes to your head.
05:28You think it should stop at your neck?
05:30No.
05:32What I mean is, is when you straighten up, why doesn't it rush to your feet?
05:36You don't think anything's going to be in a rush to get to your feet.
05:40Yeah!
05:42Advanced silent killing.
05:46There's never done any advanced silent killing.
05:49That's not what he claims to have done.
05:51Oh, yes, it is.
05:53No.
05:54What he claims to have done is a course on flower painting and silent killing.
06:00Ah.
06:01Oh, no, they weren't the same course.
06:03Oh, sorry.
06:04Oh, no, they weren't the same course.
06:06Oh, sorry.
06:08Oh, come on, get a move on, will you?
06:16I never liked to make too much of these things, but if the need ever arose,
06:23I could take out a sentry with one hand.
06:26Well, I expect if the poor sentry's only got one hand, he'll be grateful for being taken out by anybody.
06:34Oh, I'm afraid, afraid, afraid.
06:49Yahoo!
06:51Were you listening?
06:53Did you hear that?
06:54Fighting fit was that.
06:56By hell, she sounds fit.
06:58She's a beast, is that.
07:00As power is that.
07:01You heard it.
07:03And she's coupled up to this lightweight racing frame.
07:06Kee-yow!
07:07That's the way she's gonna go.
07:09Zap!
07:10Whoosh!
07:12What do you think of that?
07:13Zap.
07:14Right.
07:15Whoosh.
07:16Kee-yowie.
07:18That's a lot of engine just for driving your cap.
07:22Yeah, great dollop.
07:24Me car.
07:25You heard her.
07:26How does she sound to you?
07:28Noisy.
07:29I told you, she's a beast.
07:32What a throat on her.
07:33And one or two wrinkles still to be ironed out, but basically she's...
07:37How did she sound to you?
07:40Terrible.
07:42Rubbish.
07:43That's it.
07:44That's how she sounded.
07:49She'll go, I tell you.
07:54She'll really go.
07:58Man is obviously a mechanical idiot.
08:02Well, we really made his day.
08:06Whose day?
08:07A bloke up the road with a big engine.
08:09What sort of engine?
08:10I don't know.
08:11He keeps it in the shed up by the old mill.
08:13Halfway up the hill?
08:14Ah.
08:15Doesn't annoy him.
08:16Ah, the Wesley Pegdon.
08:17He's retired now.
08:18From being Wesley Pegdon?
08:20From work.
08:22I thought he looked a sensible sort of bloke.
08:24He looked like an idiot.
08:26Throwing his cap about, getting overexcited.
08:29She'll go, you know, she'll go.
08:32You know, right a few wrinkles.
08:34Will you listen to that engine?
08:36Oh, she's a beast, is that.
08:38Oh, the beast, the beast.
08:41Will you listen to that throat on her?
08:43The only throat I can hear round here is you.
08:50Why didn't you tell me?
08:52Has that ever tried telling me anything?
08:54There's no harm done, Foggy.
08:56No harm? Don't you probably think I'm an idiot?
08:59She does. She thinks you're an idiot.
09:01How could you say there's no harm done?
09:03There is no harm done. She's always thought you were an idiot.
09:07I've yet to meet the man who isn't.
09:09Hey, listen, if you're serious, why don't we advertise?
09:12What did you say?
09:13What did you just say?
09:15Now, don't you start being clever.
09:21There you are. Who ordered flour?
09:26Oh, well.
09:29And they wonder if there's life on other planets.
09:33I'm still wondering if there's any on this.
09:36Why anybody would bother inventing lumps of plastic
09:39when we've already got the male sex beats me.
09:46I'd like a word with you in the kitchen.
09:49What about?
09:50In the kitchen.
09:53Oh, I was going in there anyway.
09:56Oh, I was going in there anyway.
10:12Yeah, that's bad when Ivy goes quiet.
10:15And pretty terrible when she's noisy.
10:17When does that poor devil have it good?
10:20He's always getting it good now.
10:23Come on, Foggy, explain how you avoided wedlock
10:26in that underhand manner.
10:28I was quick on me feet like.
10:30Like what?
10:31Like this.
10:43I can't help thinking about poor old Sid.
10:47I can't help thinking about Nora Batty.
10:50What's that got to do with Sid's problem?
10:52Well, I just thought I'd mention it.
10:54Will you just keep your mouth closed
10:56until you can come up with something practical?
10:58Something practical?
10:59Yes.
11:00That's a good idea, Foggy.
11:01Well, until you get one, just keep quiet.
11:03Dom!
11:04Yeah?
11:05We want a good idea.
11:06Right.
11:07Right.
11:08A good idea.
11:12A good...
11:13I've got it!
11:14What, a good idea?
11:15A beauty.
11:16Something practical?
11:17Absolutely.
11:18Come on, then, get on with it.
11:22A pair of garters.
11:25A pair of what?
11:26A pair of frilly garters.
11:28Well, I mean, how are they going to help Sid?
11:30I don't see Sid in a pair of frilly garters.
11:33No, they're not for Sid, they're for Nora Batty.
11:36They take all the wrinkles out of her stockings.
11:39And she'll look pretty chasty and all.
11:43Nora's stockings in frilly garters.
11:46That's like tying a ribbon round your cold bit.
11:50Never mind his peculiar fantasies.
11:53What can he mean?
11:54What can he mean?
11:56Can't we spare a thought for Sid?
11:58The last time I spared a thought for Sid, they called him a knacky-eyed double...
12:03That was when he was in his prime.
12:05And now that we find him cut down by near terminal matrimony, it's our duty to rally round.
12:11Well, I'll help him any way I can, but I'm not tackling Ivy physically.
12:15I would like to make that absolutely clear, I'm not tackling Ivy physically.
12:19Don't panic, man, don't panic.
12:20I'm in my own house, I'm entitled to panic.
12:24Oh, it'd take a big bloke and a lot of ale to tackle Ivy physically.
12:31I'd have to be desperate.
12:32But you are desperate.
12:34That's true, Norm, but could I afford the ale?
12:39There would be no need to tackle Ivy physically.
12:42Oh, that was a near thing there for a minute.
12:44Oh, a narrow squeak.
12:45That's all there'd be left by the time she'd finish with you.
12:49We've got to help Sid to regain the prestige he's lost in Ivy's eyes.
12:54We've got to build him up, image-wise.
12:57See, at the moment, she's inclined to see him as, well, as something of a big dick.
13:03Why is that?
13:05Well, in my opinion, it's due almost entirely to the fact that he is something of a big dick.
13:11Which leaves us with a problem.
13:12True, yes.
13:13Well, as long as we're not changing him entirely.
13:17The nicest people I know have always been something of a big dick.
13:21No, not at all.
13:22Not at all, no.
13:23All we have to do is to alter Ivy's opinion of him a bit.
13:26That's all.
13:27Oh, well, that's all right, then.
13:28As long as you're not asking me to contribute towards reducing society's most precious commodity.
13:33There are far too many boring, serious beggars about.
13:36We need all the big, daft dicks we can get.
13:40Don't worry.
13:41There'll still be a few about.
13:43I wonder who sells frilly garters.
13:45See what I mean?
14:07All right, so she's got a few teeth in troubles.
14:09You can't expect to crack that five-second barrier without a few teeth in troubles.
14:14What's the five-second barrier?
14:16I think he wants the engine to run for longer than five seconds.
14:32If you look closely, you people, you will observe that what we have here
14:36is the kind of disorganized little prawn
14:41that is ready and waiting for help to arrive
14:43in the form of persons of superior leadership ability.
14:55You've been exceptionally lucky, Wesley.
14:58At exactly the right time,
15:00you happen to have fallen into just the right sort of capable hands.
15:05Hey, wow, Wesley.
15:07How lucky can you be?
15:10How lucky can you get?
15:18Two years solid I've been at that machine.
15:20It's been my ambition, you know.
15:22I always promised myself
15:24as soon as I reach higher, I'd get down to building this hairy beast.
15:27And then one day...
15:29Zazoom!
15:31Nought to 60 in five seconds.
15:33That's what I'm after, you know.
15:35Nought to 60 in five seconds.
15:37Zazoom?
15:39Don't you mean more like...
15:44Teeth in troubles.
15:45She'll do it, you know.
15:47There's two years of my life in that machine.
15:49Ah, but has there got petrol in it?
15:57Does he belong with your party?
15:59Only on a temporary basis.
16:01We're looking after him
16:03till the appropriate authorities can find a place for him.
16:06The point is, Wesley, what are you going to do with this machine?
16:09Do?
16:10I'm going to do nought to 60 in five seconds in her.
16:13And what do you need for that?
16:15Very strong elastic.
16:18I need a bit of straight road, free from traffic.
16:21And then whoosh!
16:23And I'll need somebody with a stopwatch to time me.
16:26A stopwatch?
16:28All you need for that, old banger, is somebody with a cuckoo clock.
16:32Given time, I bet people can get quite unattached to you.
16:36That's true.
16:38Now, relax, Wesley.
16:40You are looking at one of the finest stopwatch operators
16:43outside official circles.
16:45And that's where I'll have you going.
16:47In circles.
16:49Ignore this constant bickering, Wesley.
16:51Place yourself in these competent hands.
16:59Wesley...
17:02Wouldn't you feel easier in your mind
17:04if you could get on with the mechanical part
17:06of it and leave the organising and the logistics
17:10to some efficient second party?
17:13I would. I would!
17:16I accept.
17:32Of course, what you really need, Wesley, is a driver.
17:37No. Definitely not.
17:40Forget it. I don't want him.
17:42I've had enough of your barbie schemes.
17:44Sit down.
17:46No, thank you. Him?
17:48Him?
17:50What sort of an idiot's going to choose him?
17:52I was wondering.
17:54Oh.
17:56If it's not him, would you care to explain him?
18:00If it's not him, would you care to explain who you've got in mind?
18:03Calm down. It's not you either.
18:05Ha! He heard that. I've got a witness.
18:07Well, you have my word as a corporal and a gentleman.
18:09Hitler was a corporal.
18:14Not in my regiment.
18:16Oh. Oh, well, it's all right.
18:18You can come back now.
18:20He's got some other idiot in mind.
18:22He's got to involve me.
18:24I can feel it.
18:26He always ends up with me.
18:28What's going to involve you on this occasion?
18:30I thought I'd be doing my own driving.
18:32Ah. No, well, uh...
18:34No, it's not advisable.
18:36No, it's, uh...
18:38Needs a younger man.
18:40Razor-sharp reflexes.
18:42There'll be some danger.
18:44Oh, aye. There'll be some danger.
18:46Do you hear that?
18:48What did I tell you?
18:50You need the choice of driver to me.
18:52I want you to free your mind of all these details.
18:54Well, there's going to be some danger.
18:57Hey! Tinkerbell!
18:59Forget it.
19:05He gives some very clear hand signals
19:07for a lone driver.
19:21Him?
19:23Him.
19:27He doesn't look like a daredevil driver.
19:29He certainly does not look
19:31like a daredevil driver.
19:33Daredevil driver?
19:35We bring good tidings.
19:37Ah, well, never mind about that.
19:39Have you wiped your mucky feet?
19:41Relax, Sidney.
19:43Your days of anxious hatch-watching
19:45are nearly over.
19:47What do you mean, hatch-watching?
19:49Who gives her her own hatch-watching?
19:51Do you think that's all I've got to worry about,
19:53whether she's stirring through the hatch or not?
19:56Love your pinny, Sidney.
19:58Oh, that's definitely a racing driver's pinny, is that.
20:00You know,
20:02you've been making all the wrong moves, Sidney.
20:04So Alas keeps telling me
20:06and telling me
20:08and telling me.
20:10But help is at hand.
20:12What time does your good lady
20:14come out to get her hair done?
20:16About three o'clock.
20:18We'll be back.
20:21We'll be back.
20:33When you've done that, get that cooker cleaned.
20:41Don't be making a fool of yourself
20:43if that bus conductress comes in.
20:45And don't let her be porking
20:47my sandwiches with her bell finger.
20:51Right.
21:04Oh, that's tremendous.
21:08It's ridiculous.
21:12No, no, no, no.
21:14No, only the top half is ridiculous.
21:16It's the bottom half that's tremendous.
21:18You see, he thinks it's ridiculous.
21:20He was only joking.
21:22Hey, it's Biggles.
21:26That's it, that does it.
21:28Will you handle that gear very carefully, please?
21:30It's taken me years to collect this military equipment.
21:32Now you shut up.
21:34Now, where have you been?
21:36Well, I told us to split up
21:38and see what gear we could get for Sidney's racing machine.
21:40I'm not going in any racing machine.
21:42He is. Don't worry, it's just nerves.
21:44Right, now, what did you find?
21:46How about these?
21:50Oh, they're not racing equipment.
21:52Oh, they look pretty racy to me.
21:54I'm not wearing those.
21:56Of course you're not wearing those.
21:58Of course you're not wearing these.
22:00I've got other plans for these.
22:04Don't you find anything for him to wear?
22:06Are you completely useless?
22:08No, not to think I'm completely useless.
22:10Every time.
22:12It's one of your most striking features.
22:16Listen, I borrowed this off our Wilfid's.
22:19The finishing touch.
22:21Finishing? What does he mean, finishing?
22:23You're not going to be a bit merry about this, are you?
22:25I think I might.
22:27Yes, I think I might.
22:29Damn it, man, it's the hint of danger
22:31about driving Wesley's bomb of a car
22:33that's going to build up your image
22:35in Ivy's eyes.
22:37And here's the beauty of it.
22:39Oh, no, here's the beauty of it.
22:41I'm not going to do it.
22:43Ah, that's it. Exactly.
22:45You won't have to.
22:48You seem to be keen to risk life and limb.
22:50It's not your fault that Wesley's car never starts.
22:56Never?
22:58Never.
23:00Genius.
23:02Touch of genius.
23:04Right, well, all we have to do is to wait
23:06for Ivy to find you in this glamorous outfit.
23:09Liam!
23:11Liam!
23:13She's coming!
23:15Get ready, Sidney.
23:17Here she comes.
23:39Ah!
23:53I have to do it, Ivy.
23:55The speed, the danger.
23:57The challenge.
23:59The challenge.
24:01A man has to drive himself to the limits.
24:03A man has to drive himself to the limits.
24:05I'm going racing!
24:07A man has to do what he has to do.
24:12You great Tom fool.
24:14I'll leave you for two minutes.
24:16Have you got that cooker clean?
24:18No, I don't.
24:25You were right, Foggy.
24:27That's certainly done wonders for his image.
24:29Hey, I hope she don't strangle him
24:31with our wolf scarf.
24:34Unreasonable sort of woman.
24:38Oh, well.
24:40Back to the drawing board.
24:42It's embarrassing for me, you know.
24:44I promised Wesley a driver.
25:04No!
25:06What are you worrying about?
25:10It's never going to go.
25:12Not with me in it, it's not.
25:20You drive it.
25:22Oh, no, no, no.
25:24I'm on the stopwatch.
25:26Help!
25:28Dice him with death, single-handedly.
25:31Help!
25:33Dice him with death, single-handedly
25:35on the stopwatch.
25:37Don't you want to make an impression
25:39on Norbert Batty just once in your life?
25:41No.
25:43Does he know what he's doing?
25:45Well, judging from his faintly green colour,
25:47I'd say yes.
25:49He knows what he's doing.
25:51I never knew he had it in him.
25:53It's almost like
25:55knowing somebody famous.
25:57It's quiet.
26:00Isn't he quiet?
26:02He's hardly said a rude word.
26:04There's something else on his mind, I expect.
26:11The same old thing.
26:13You've got to admire his nerve.
26:15Wear this for me, Nora.
26:21How can you refuse him?
26:23It might be his last bit of pleasure.
26:30Damn it,
26:32my goggles are steaming up.
26:44That's not going to go, is it?
26:46No, it's not going to go.
26:56That's my neighbour, you know.
26:58Oh, yes.
27:00We've been quite close for years.
27:16He's terrible.
27:18He's always doing that.
27:20And you.
27:22Never anything improper.
27:28Oh!
27:35Wear this for me.
27:37Oh, Nora.
27:43Now, I'm having a great day,
27:45so don't let anything spoil it,
27:47like some daft buttock
27:49trying to get this thing started.
27:51I admire your nerve, kid.
27:53I never thought I'd see anybody
27:55kiss Nora Batty without a safety belt on.
27:58Righty-ho!
28:00Contact!
28:04Stand clear.
28:24Is he on fire?
28:27Probably just smouldering a bit.
28:29Sounds like a lot of fun.
28:31Let her go!
28:41Go! Let her go!
28:43Go, go!
28:57Go!
29:04Well, I've never seen anything so brave.
29:10Give him air! Give him air!
29:14Never mind about air.
29:16Let's have a flash of your garden.
29:21Go!
29:26All right, so I've still got a few wrinkles to iron out.
29:56Thank you.