Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
01:00I don't know what I'm doing.
01:02I don't know what I'm doing.
01:29Come in.
01:33Come in.
01:38Come in.
01:42Can I come in, sir?
01:44I did knock, sir. Perhaps you didn't hear me.
01:47Your hot lemon, sir.
01:52Goddamn yellow fever.
01:54I still get that jowly, flabby puffiness around my cheeks.
01:58Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?
02:02Yes, I'm sure it was, because...
02:06Let me tuck you in, sir.
02:08How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?
02:11Enjoying it, sir. Some directives for you to sign, sir.
02:16What's this Space Corps free pardon
02:19exonerating you of all crimes doing in here?
02:26Those people in admin really need to pay more mind, sir.
02:29Honestly, you can't rely on anyone these days, can you?
02:35I'm so sorry, sir.
02:37It's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an officer and command my own ship.
02:41That's what I long for more than anything, sir, to be like you.
02:44Maybe thinner and in better condition.
02:47And obviously without your clogged arteries.
02:50But that aside, sir, you're the person I admire the most.
02:53Another ambition achieved.
02:55You think I could become an officer, sir? One day, sir?
02:59Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer,
03:02but I'm sorry, you're just not officer material.
03:05Not officer material, sir?
03:07If you want to take my advice, you'll redirect your energies
03:10and find something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.
03:14Like what, sir?
03:20So you're saying I'm never going to become a captain, sir? Never?
03:23Who are you?
03:27They said it was okay to drop by.
03:29Talia?
03:31Well, hi!
03:33Hi.
03:34Rimmer was just leaving.
03:36I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time.
03:40Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too.
03:44You look... wonderful.
03:46You made captain.
03:48You've done so well.
03:50Your own ship? Wow.
03:52I've got goosebumps.
03:54The photograph of your wife, sir.
03:56Is it OK where it is, or should I turn it so it's facing the wall?
04:00It is the best, Rimmer.
04:02Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
04:04Nothing I can get you, ma'am? Tea? Coffee? Packet of three?
04:11It's me, not Make It.
04:13What does he know, the big stupid yellow idiot?
04:16He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning.
04:20When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.
04:26He thinks I'm an imbecile.
04:28He really does.
04:35Me, an imbecile.
04:39Alert! Alert! A choccy nut bar...
04:42A choccy nut bar has been removed without payment.
04:45A choccy nut bar has been removed without payment.
04:48Alert! Alert! Shut up!
04:50No, shut up. Alert! Alert!
04:52If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll drown.
04:56Take your hand off me speaker, then.
04:58Promise to shut up? Promise.
05:00Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
05:03I have me circuits crossed. Alert! Alert!
05:05Chocolate abduction on floor three, floor one.
05:08Alert! Oh, I said you will not get away with this.
05:11I might not be able to see you, but I know you're tasting confectionery.
05:14And I also know... I also know...
05:17Oh, ha! Um...
05:19No, in fact, that is all I know, just you tasting confectionery.
05:21But it may matter, cos one day I'll hear your voice again
05:24and I'll expose you for the chocolate-thieving dog you are!
05:27I'm really scared. I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine.
05:31What are you going to do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed?
05:36Oh, my! Help! Help! Help! I'm really scared!
05:39Rimmer!
05:42You forgot your tray.
05:44Thank you, sir.
05:46He stole some chocolate! He stole...
05:53You are my nemesis.
05:55One day our paths will cross again and I will destroy you.
06:02And on that day, I will be the captain of this ship.
06:08It's OK for Mr Cushy working for the captain now, but what about me?
06:12All that damned rock.
06:14My back's killing me, bud.
06:17Look at my spine.
06:19It's so curved, if you threw it away, it'll come back.
06:22Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock.
06:26I ain't used to work.
06:28But what job did they give me?
06:30Something to do with rock, sir.
06:32Exactly. You know what they got me doing?
06:35I gotta put all the rock albums on the PA system.
06:39I gotta chase those suckers once every 45 minutes.
06:43I'm a physical wreck.
06:46Probation's killing me, bud.
06:50What's that?
06:51It's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kachansky.
06:54A calendar?
06:55A couple of days ago, she was looking at the old calendar
06:58and she said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.
07:02I'm going to tell her that calendar people made a mistake.
07:07But let's just leave this whole wrong month thing behind us.
07:10They were stupid, it was careless,
07:12but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of proportion.
07:15A little word in your audio receiver.
07:20And this happens to all women.
07:22And they become cranky and weird,
07:24and yet you never see this in films or on TV.
07:27Men are supposed to be in control of the media.
07:30This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate.
07:33It's not a big deal.
07:34I'll tell you what to do and how to behave, everything.
07:37Just trust me.
07:51Ta-da!
07:59Thank goodness for Mr Lister.
08:01I've already made such a fool of myself.
08:05A little present, ma'am.
08:11All gift-wrapped.
08:14I hope I chose the right size.
08:17Dave told you to do this, didn't he?
08:20Isn't he wonderful?
08:22Oh, yeah. Sometimes he's so cute, I could just eat him.
08:26He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.
08:29Come on, then. Open it.
08:32I want you to try it on.
08:35Maybe you could do a little twirl in it.
08:38Crichton, how can I put this?
08:41Is there something wrong, ma'am?
08:46He set me up, didn't he?
08:48This is absolutely not what you're supposed to do when a woman is having a...
08:55Is the banner wrong, too?
08:58He was lying!
09:02I've been duped by a master craftsman.
09:06Well, two can play at this game.
09:08Oh, yeah? What do you have in mind?
09:10Are you sure you have time for this, ma'am?
09:12I realise the next few days are very special for you.
09:15Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot in tight white jeans?
09:21Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that.
09:23And not forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.
09:28Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back.
09:31Right. Here's my idea.
09:46That's all? Promise we want something?
09:49Thought you might like to hear some hot-off-the-press confidential insider information.
09:53There's going to be a cell inspection in about ten minutes.
09:56Keep it under your hat.
10:00Cell inspection in ten minutes.
10:08Told you.
10:11Thanks, Harlow. It was most helpful.
10:14When it comes to being ahead of the game,
10:16I'm the man.
10:18If you don't mind me asking,
10:20where did you get that priceless nugget of information
10:23way before it got into the public domain?
10:25I've hacked into the ship's computer system, got into the prison log.
10:29I've also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory.
10:32I've discovered stuff in there that'll make your hair stand on end.
10:36What stuff?
10:38Brill cream, it's called.
10:41You put it on your head and it makes your hair stand on end.
10:45Apparently, we've only got two jars left,
10:47so if you need some, let me know.
10:49As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful, I'll be back.
10:53See you in about 25 years, then.
10:58Those little scars itchy today. Must be all the dust.
11:01You've got a scar? When did you get that?
11:03Are those complementary scars?
11:05No.
11:07You've got a scar? When did you get that?
11:09Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were handing out.
11:12You know, most accidents happen in the home, so be careful ones.
11:16Accidentally stabbed yourself in the head with one.
11:21Where were you?
11:22I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.
11:27That's not a scar, that's a nick.
11:29That is a scar.
11:31Where did you get that?
11:33From a fight years ago. Duel.
11:36A duel? With you?
11:39Get out of town.
11:41Not a duel.
11:43Duel. The old Steven Spielberg movie.
11:47A friend of mine attacked me with a video case.
11:51Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips.
11:55I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron.
11:58He had yellow T-shirts for a week.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:06Why's that going off?
12:10It's from Crichton.
12:12Look under the drafts board.
12:16Another note?
12:18Dear Mr Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss Kachansky.
12:22In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch and hide it in your shower.
12:28I am laughing as I write this,
12:30knowing your cell is about to be searched
12:32and imagining the panic now gripping your soul.
12:35Oh, God!
12:37What the hell are we going to do? We've got an inspection in five minutes.
12:40We're on probation. Down the loo, down the sink.
12:42Baxter's going to kill us if he finds out we're doing this.
12:45The captain's going to kill us if we don't.
12:47But, Baxter, you've seen what he's like.
12:49Grizzly bears run screaming from him.
12:51Last week, he was playing poker, ran out of money.
12:54He set his right nut on a pair of jacks.
12:57A pair of jacks? That's how hard he is.
13:00Smeg! The tank's full!
13:03What are we going to do? We've still got two bottles left.
13:06We're going to have to drink it.
13:08Drink it?
13:10This is Baxter's hooch. It's about 300% proof.
13:13A bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.
13:16It'll put hairs on your chest.
13:18It'll put hairs on your lips.
13:21It'll put hairs on your hairs.
13:23It's lethal.
13:25You want to get caught in possession of a legal hooch?
13:27Get drinking.
13:29Have we got any mixers?
13:32You are wetter than a driver instructor's handshake, aren't you?
13:35Get it down, you gob!
13:50What's it like?
13:52OK.
14:23Inspection!
14:28On your feet.
14:30On your feet.
14:51Stand by your bunks.
15:00Stand by your bunks.
15:11You're drunk.
15:13Drunk, sir?
15:19No, sir.
15:21Absolutely not, sir.
15:24No, no. No.
15:26Who fancies a kebab?
15:28Oh, shit!
15:33Shag.
15:35This chick does.
15:46It must have been the treachery trifle, Fulonshire.
15:49I told him not to go back for seconds, sir.
15:53Oh!
15:56Call the medibay.
15:58We need two stomach pumps.
16:00Super suck.
16:12It's Baxter.
16:18Your two mates gob my hooch.
16:21When they get out of hospital,
16:23and there's no guards about,
16:26this is what's going to happen to them.
16:36You're going to squeeze their rolls?
16:40That's irritating, but, hey, in many ways, they'll be quite relieved.
16:45What have I done?
17:00Baxter's out to mash you.
17:02You've got to escape. We all have.
17:04The security's lax here.
17:06What if they make it to the landing bay and steal the ship?
17:09Bob's your scutter.
17:11Where's the cat?
17:13He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.
17:30Pass the salt, would you?
17:37That guy there took some of your fries.
17:39That guy there took some of your fries.
17:47What in the hell are you doing, Shirley?
17:53I'm stealing your fries, fat boy.
18:10Mmm.
18:12This is good.
18:14Taste it.
18:16There ain't no one more badass,
18:20evil than me in the whole of hell.
18:23What makes you think you can diss me and live?
18:27Because things are changing around here.
18:30From now on, marshmallow ass.
18:33You're my bitch.
18:35You're what?
18:37B-I-H, bitch.
18:39That's what you look like, that's what you are.
18:41Understand?
18:45OK.
18:47What?
18:49Anyone tough-talks me, got to be a no-loadin' perg.
18:53You want me to be your bitch, that's fine by me, sir.
18:57You sure you don't want to just...
18:59You sure you don't want to just...
19:01You sure you don't want to just...
19:03You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?
19:07No, sir, I'm your bitch.
19:09From now on, I'm your jiggly-wiggly,
19:11roll-over, sweet patooey, honey bun missy.
19:15I just want to make you happy.
19:18Then hit me.
19:20And hurt my baby's kisser.
19:22Nothing doing.
19:27Damn!
19:34What?
19:48We can't hang around. We got to be out of here by five o'clock.
19:51What's so special about five o'clock?
19:53Five o'clock's bed-bath time.
19:55And apparently I'm doing them.
20:04The microbe which destroyed the Hermes, it's on Red Wharf.
20:08How?
20:10The microbe's chameleonic.
20:12So it must have been the escape pod.
20:14The one Talia Watsoname arrived on.
20:16We've got to go back and tell them.
20:18What about our escape?
20:20It could be days before they discover this.
20:23If we go back now, they've got a chance to work on an antidote.
20:27You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?
20:31No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
20:34Yeah, the big picture involves you, no clothes and a haystack.
20:39Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive microorganism.
20:43As you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued.
20:48So most of you will be staying behind to die.
20:51Oh, there's an apology about that in the internal mail.
21:02Just as I suspected.
21:04Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.
21:07So all we need is a plutonium-powered greenhouse and we're home free.
21:10We need an antidote.
21:12Something that can neutralise the corrosive negativity of the microbe.
21:15Something with a corrosive positivity.
21:18So where do we get that?
21:20There's nothing in Yellow Pages.
21:22A mirror universe.
21:24A universe where things are diametrically opposite.
21:27A mirror universe.
21:29A universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one.
21:32There, negative becomes positive and a virus becomes an antidote.
21:44If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism,
21:46the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own.
21:49That's something we won't know until we get there.
21:58It's overloaded! We've lost Mr. Rimmer.
22:01At last, things are looking up.
22:03How long does it take to fix that thing?
22:06Well, best guess, about 20 minutes.
22:13Rrrr!
22:15Rrrr!
22:17Rrrr!
22:19Rrrr!
22:21Rrrr!
22:23Rrrr!
22:26Rrrr!
22:43Can I come in, sir?
22:45I did knock. Perhaps you didn't hear me.
22:49Here's your hot lemon, sir.
22:52Thank you, um...
22:54private nobody.
22:56Oh, a few directives to sign, sir.
22:59Of course, laddie.
23:04A free pardon exonerating you from all crimes.
23:10I don't know how that got in there, sir. I...
23:13You want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?
23:16Oh, sir.
23:18Could I? One day, could I be?
23:22No, I don't think you could.
23:29Of course, it's a mirror universe.
23:31Everything's opposite.
23:49My God.
23:51This is going to take some getting used to.
23:56They said it was OK to drop by.
23:58You look wonderful.
24:00So do you.
24:02That'll be all, shambles.
24:05You're made captain.
24:07You've done so well.
24:09Your own ship.
24:11Wow. I've got goosebumps.
24:13So have I.
24:16Let me kiss you.
24:21What are you doing?
24:23I'm giving you a big wet snog with oodles of Tommy Tongue.
24:28But I'm your sister.
24:39Yes, of course.
24:41But I was really pleased to see you.
24:43I, um...
24:45You French-kissed me.
24:47No, it was near Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you.
24:51I... I've been really ill.
24:55You're the captain's sister.
25:02Oh, my God, what a terrible dream.
25:05Oh, hi, sis. It's me, Arnie, your bro.
25:08Get your big old lumpy bum down here and give us a big hug.
25:11Captain Rimmer, I am Sister Talia Garrett.
25:18Your personal spiritual adviser.
25:23Sis, sister, whoever you are.
25:26Oh, smeg.
25:34Excuse me. Yes?
25:37I wonder, could you tell me what this is?
25:39You'll need to ask the professor, then.
25:41He does all that stupid science-y brain-box type stuff.
25:45Somebody called?
25:48Professor? Yes, captain.
25:50Perhaps you could help me.
25:52What's this?
25:54Mmm.
25:57Mmm, it's an alkaline.
25:59Oh, yes. What's it called?
26:01Cesium-francolithic-mixy-alabidium-rixy-dixy-duxy-dexy-druxa.
26:05You look surprised.
26:07I never thought I'd ever hear you say that.
26:09Can you write it down for me? Certainly.
26:12Can I have an extremely long piece of paper, my dear?
26:16The antidote. I did it!
26:29Where is everyone?
26:31They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe.
26:34You're the highest-ranked crew member left on the ships, I suppose.
26:37That makes you captain. Congratulations, Cap.
26:40Smeg off.
26:56Where are you going?
26:58To make up the formula.
27:00I think you'll find that the formula on that piece of paper
27:02has now turned into the formula for the virus,
27:04because you've left the mirror universe,
27:06so it's turned back into its opposite.
27:10Smeg, you're right.
27:12This is a disaster.
27:14No, there could still be a happy ending.
27:16How?
27:17Remember that chocolate bar you still owe me for?
27:19You could always pay me back before you snuff it.
27:21How's that a happy ending?
27:23Well, it's a happy ending for me.
27:25At least my totals will tally.
27:27Why don't you smegging well smeg off,
27:29you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger?
27:38Every dog has his day.
27:40And today's the day.
27:47And I'm the dog.
27:49Smeg.
27:57Smeg.
28:19Smeg.
28:26Arnold Judas Rimmer.
28:30Your life is over.
28:33Come with me.
28:36You will travel to the drip sticks,
28:39where you will place a coin...
28:41Not today, matey.
28:44Remember, only the good die young.
28:47I've never had before.
29:17Fun, fun, fun.
29:20I want to live,
29:22shift legs and comb my toes.
29:24Drinking fresh mango juice.
29:27Goofy shows,
29:29dimming up my toes.
29:31Fun, fun, fun.
29:33Give me fun, fun, fun.
29:37Fun, fun, fun.
29:40Give me fun, fun, fun.
29:47Fun, fun, fun.