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Short filmTranscript
00:30Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
00:56Given all your love to just one man
01:05You'll have bad times
01:10And you'll have good times
01:14Doing things that you didn't understand
01:21But if you love him, you forgive him
01:52Having a chance to look? Anything from my mates?
01:57Don't think so. There's nothing here in orange crayon with half the letters backwards.
02:01Anything for you?
02:04Just the usual. A couple of death threats.
02:07And I'm in the Reader's Digest Lucky Dip.
02:11Apparently I'm one of the special few selected for their Lucky Dip.
02:18That'll be you and the other 12 zillion people then, will it?
02:22I've won either a holiday in Mauritius, a soft top sports car, or a fabulous matching set of egg cups.
02:27Scraped with a coin to discover which.
02:32I've won the holiday!
02:36What?
02:39Three million years into deep space where I can't claim it.
02:44And if I go and win a smegging holiday in Mauritius?
02:48Oh, they're taking the smeg.
02:50What now?
02:51I've won the lottery as well.
02:56To collect your cheque, simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House, 24 Argyle Street.
03:01Four million!
03:03No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all.
03:06It's just the wind up from the guards that's up our morale.
03:09Here's one for you.
03:10From?
03:11Peterson.
03:13My God, that is tragic.
03:16What's happened to him? Has he died?
03:18Died? You think he'd write and tell you?
03:23No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking straight.
03:25He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he?
03:30What's happened to him?
03:32Something catastrophic. Hideous.
03:35He's found your guitar in Starbuck's wreckage and he's sending it here.
03:40Brilliant.
03:43Are you OK?
03:44Of course I'm not OK. I'd hate your guitar.
03:47If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood, I'd have moved it with an Australian soap star.
03:54I didn't realise you thought I was that bad.
03:57Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?
04:02You'd have stood a better chance if you'd used a neck end.
04:07Anyway, you were revising. You're always going to be uptight when you're revising.
04:11Hey, come on, come on. What about the Om song?
04:13That was a classic.
04:15Om. Om.
04:20People who heard that formed self-help groups.
04:24Don't give me that. They played me demo on hospital radio.
04:27Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home.
04:32Hey, the Axeman is back, you beauts.
04:43I'm gone. There's no strings.
04:46They've confiscated the strings.
04:53I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in the hot tub at the Playboy Mansion.
05:00Why would they take me strings? It doesn't make sense.
05:03Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.
05:06I wouldn't want to hang myself if they had me guitar strings.
05:10I think they were thinking of me.
05:14Maybe my luck's changing. At last, a break.
05:18Oh, by the way, I forgot. For you.
05:23Because of the nature of your crime, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
05:29we are willing to review your case.
05:31For this process to be successful, you would need a record of good behaviour
05:34and accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty
05:38for prisoner colleagues in your situation.
05:41Yes!
05:44Well, thanks to Kill Crazy,
05:46that was the least enjoyable suicide mission I've ever been on.
05:49It certainly was.
05:51And right in front of me was this weird sort of mutant thing
05:54with, like, two heads and all these tentacles.
05:56It took one look at me and ran off.
06:00How do you think it done that?
06:06You don't know what it's like being classified as a mutant.
06:10You don't know what it's like being classified as a woman, sir.
06:13The humiliation.
06:15I know, I know.
06:17I mean, why should I, a series 4000 mechanoid,
06:20have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls?
06:24Three times a week. Tell me that.
06:27It's not fair, I know. It's just that...
06:35You shower with the girls?
06:38So hideously dull, I can't describe it.
06:42They stand around soaping themselves.
06:46Their bodies all wet and foamy.
06:54Can you imagine it?
07:00Oh, my goodness, we've been frozen in time again.
07:04Hello?
07:06Extraordinary.
07:08It must be a warp in the time-space continuum.
07:11How curious it isn't affecting me.
07:15We're not frozen in time, Crikey.
07:17We were just thinking about what you were saying.
07:26It's times like this that make me thankful I'm just a head.
07:30Oi, droid boy.
07:32Oi, next time you're in the showers,
07:34why don't you, you know, smuggle in a camera and film her, mate?
07:37Yeah, that'd be brilliant.
07:39Oi, I haven't seen a naked woman since...
07:42Whatever.
07:44Yeah, I'll pay you.
07:46What did you say?
07:48No, I forbid it.
07:50Yeah, me... What?
07:52It's voyeuristic, exploitative and immature.
07:55All right, who are you?
07:59And what have you done with our Rimmer?
08:02Gentlemen, allow me to clarify my position.
08:05Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers,
08:09taking shots of them sudding themselves with mounds of foam,
08:13without their permission,
08:15morally speaking, I'm speaking morally here,
08:18I'm all in favour.
08:22However, Listie has been invited to appeal
08:25and a scam like this could ruin it.
08:27Appeal?
08:28Yeah, I'm appealing.
08:31That's a minority view.
08:34Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful.
08:37We've just got to be model prisoners.
08:39Oi, screw his appeal. I want to see skin.
08:41Yeah.
08:42What do you say, bird tray head?
08:44Are you asking me to betray the people I live with?
08:47To ignore their humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects
08:50merely there for your moronic titillation?
08:52Yes, please.
08:55If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.
08:57What are you doing?
08:58I'm a woman and proud of it.
09:01If you'll excuse me, I'll be with my fellow sisters,
09:03doing it for ourselves.
09:14I'm going to make this quick and easy.
09:17Last night, on the wing, I was beaten up and mugged.
09:25You have one chance.
09:27I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten seconds,
09:30during which I want whoever took it to return my glass eye.
09:41Kill the lights.
09:44Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
09:55I'm glad to see good sense prevail.
10:06I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from supplies on Saturday night.
10:12She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature.
10:14If I go like this, I'm only half lovely!
10:20If it's not returned within 30 seconds,
10:22all canary privilege is suspected.
10:24What month?
10:26I know who stole your left peeper, sir.
10:29It was him, sir.
10:31I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.
10:37Thank you, Rimmer.
10:47Have you gone mad?
10:48You don't rat on other inmates.
10:50It's an unwritten law.
10:52Look, if it helps the appeal, what else matters?
10:54Model prisoners?
11:08Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little?
11:21Oh!
11:38They're here! They love me!
11:41The aliens! The invisible aliens!
11:44Look, there's one!
11:47Ah!
11:49From the people who brought you Vampire Bikini Girl Suck Paris
11:54comes another cinematic masterpiece,
11:56Attack of the Giant Savage Completely Invisible Aliens.
12:01Marvel has a special effect.
12:03Looks like a little parlay.
12:05Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies?
12:08To sap our morale.
12:10Next week is the George Formby season.
12:13Get your hanging rope now while there's still some left.
12:19Good evening.
12:20Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled
12:22and replaced by a special live pay-per-view event
12:26brought to you courtesy of Karate TV.
12:29And by my optical receptors,
12:31we bring you live and lithe
12:34Women's Shower Night!
12:44Woo!
12:46They're really going to show this?
12:48No way! This is a joke, right?
12:50This is a...
12:54Oh, Mama!
12:57You know what this means, don't you?
13:00There is a guard?
13:02They got to him.
13:04They reprogrammed Crichton.
13:09If we get caught watching this, your appeal's dead in the water.
13:12My appeal? I don't really have!
13:14What about Chris?
13:16She's never going to believe I wasn't involved in this.
13:18We've got to stop it.
13:20You're right. I want no part of this.
13:22Me neither. We've got to go.
13:24Right now.
13:25You've got a minute to lose.
13:27I'm dust. Me too.
13:29After two. One, two, go!
13:33What?
13:41And now, I'm going to stare at a cracked floor tile.
13:46What's he doing it for?
13:48Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event.
13:53Start filling those buckets.
14:02I can't believe this. He's running it like a business.
14:05There's even a bloke over there selling ice creams.
14:08Never mind him. Now, we've got to go right now.
14:11I'm going, I'm going.
14:13But now, let's get up close and personal with one of the showeries,
14:16Miss Christine Kachansky.
14:23Fancy choc-ice?
14:33OK.
14:35Splendid.
14:37Later.
14:39Is Triton a visitor, sir?
14:45Triton?
14:47Look, I know Kilt Crazy's reprogrammed you,
14:49turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur,
14:51but I think I know how to change your back.
14:54Well, keep it to yourself, sir.
14:56I'll make it worth your while.
14:58Can't you see what it's done to you?
15:00It's made me rich, feared and respected.
15:02I'm loving every minute of it.
15:04I just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today.
15:07Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.
15:09Ah, Miss Kachansky.
15:11Good to have you back. I have a little gift for you.
15:14Oh, another one?
15:16Nothing's too good for you, ma'am.
15:18You know you were worried about picking up Verrucas in the shower room.
15:21Well, I've got the perfect solution.
15:23A waterproof pogo stick.
15:25This has got to stop.
15:27But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir.
15:31Think of the money.
15:33Think of the show.
15:39Are you crazy about it?
15:41I'm not going to let you do this.
15:43Do what?
15:45How do you think Triton got all this?
15:47Shower Night Live.
15:49Oh, God, is he paying some of the girls to do this?
15:53Who's that with the sponge?
15:57That's me.
16:00It replaced the Wednesday night movie.
16:02I saw the whole thing.
16:04All three terrible hours of it.
16:06It was awful.
16:08Is that the time?
16:10It's the time.
16:12It's the time.
16:14It was awful.
16:16Is that the time?
16:18I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes.
16:20Excuse me.
16:21You are dead, nickel-hydrate Brett.
16:23And you.
16:25What have I done?
16:27You were there for three hours of it.
16:29Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it.
16:31I was outraged.
16:33Why do you think I only had one choc-ice?
16:35How could you go along with this?
16:37I'm only human.
16:39You were completely naked.
16:41Stark as nude.
16:44No clothes on.
16:46You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out.
16:48Yeah, but...
16:50I wanted to see if anything had changed.
16:52Why didn't you just ask instead of filming me in secret?
16:56Because you'd have said no.
16:58Not necessarily.
17:00If I'd known it meant that much to you,
17:02that you needed to see me naked so badly,
17:04I wouldn't necessarily have said no.
17:10No, we're friends, aren't we?
17:13It never occurred to me that I could just ask.
17:16You're such a great friend.
17:18I love being your friend.
17:22Chris.
17:23No.
17:24Not now.
17:25Not now.
17:26Not ever.
17:27But you just said...
17:29We're not friends anymore.
17:32DOOR OPENS
17:33DOOR CLOSES
17:39DOOR OPENS
17:40DOOR CLOSES
17:41Appeal application is listed.
17:43Character testimonials.
17:45What's this?
17:46Chris went out about the shower thing.
17:48She went ballistic.
17:49Just a little present to say sorry.
17:51A bag of flour?
17:53No, two bags.
17:57I'm in the tank.
17:58In the middle of deep space.
18:00I put it into flora, you know.
18:02Flour.
18:03Flowers.
18:10It's the closest I could get.
18:12You romantic fool.
18:14You know how hard it is getting this stuff?
18:16I had to nick this from the bakery.
18:18She'll appreciate that.
18:19I can just see her reading the card.
18:21Dear Chris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls
18:24in the shower yesterday for three gobsmacking hours of steamy fun.
18:30To make up for it and to indicate how truly sorry I am,
18:33here's two bags of self-raising.
18:41Something I didn't need any help with yesterday.
18:46Look, it's easy for you. You're not crazy about it.
18:49It's really debilitating being nuts about someone.
18:52You lose 20 IQ points every time you talk to them.
18:54You must be nuts about a fair few people then, are you?
19:01The girls found out about shower night.
19:03They attacked me, cleaned out my system and kicked me out.
19:06I've been reclassified as a man.
19:13I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.
19:17So it's not your fault Crichton, they got to you.
19:20I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kachansky?
19:23What news?
19:24You haven't heard.
19:25Heard what?
19:26The news.
19:27What news?
19:28You haven't heard the news.
19:29Heard what news?
19:30No one's told you.
19:31Told me what?
19:32About Miss Kachansky.
19:34What about Miss Kachansky?
19:35About Miss Kachansky and her ex-boyfriend Tim.
19:37What about Miss Kachansky and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
19:39I can't believe you don't know.
19:41Know what?
19:42No one told you.
19:43Told me what?
19:44You mean to say you're standing there blissfully unaware
19:47of the news about Miss Kachansky and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
19:49What news about Miss Kachansky and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
19:52I don't believe it.
19:53Believe what?
19:54I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you
19:58the horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news.
20:03I'm not sure I can even speak now.
20:06Brian, there's a 200-foot drop down there.
20:08Now tell me the news.
20:10She started going out with Tim again.
20:11He's taking her to the officers' club tonight.
20:13Her probation permits it, provided she's backed by Tim.
20:16Oh.
20:17This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it?
20:19Well, you know what Tim's like, sir.
20:21Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover.
20:26And you're just... you.
20:30It's so unfair!
20:34You must feel awful.
20:36Well, as you now.
20:38My God.
20:39You're taking this very well, sir. I'm really impressed.
20:41No, I'm not, man. I'm falling apart.
20:44I know that.
20:45But I was just trying to cheer you up.
20:48What can I do?
20:50You've got to deal with your grief, man.
20:53A break-up is very much like a bereavement.
20:56It's usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.
21:01You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you?
21:04Mark my words.
21:05Tim is a great healer, unless you've got a rash,
21:08in which case you're better off with ointment.
21:12I'm sorry, sir.
21:14You're better off with ointment.
21:17Look, they haven't seen each other for ages.
21:20They're only going out for a meal.
21:21What's the worst thing that can happen?
21:24How's this listy?
21:27A little wine, a little laughter,
21:29then it's back to his place for coffee and a game of chess.
21:32Before you know it, she's sandwiched between two bishops
21:34and a queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.
21:41It's a tragedy.
21:43What are you so bothered about?
21:44I thought you hated the idea of me and her getting it together.
21:47That was the old me, sir.
21:48I've grown and matured since then.
21:50No, the new me wants you to have children
21:52so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks.
21:56And you're not getting any younger, sir.
21:58Neither are your sperms.
22:01I'm getting worried about those guys.
22:03Any older and they'll need a Stannis stairlift
22:05to get up the fallopian tubes.
22:10So what do you propose?
22:12We nail that horny stag and get you and the Divine Miss Kay together.
22:15It's my way of saying sorry.
22:17But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal.
22:19First, we sabotage the date.
22:22What, we? You mean you're going to help me?
22:24Step on board the love express, sir.
22:28You get to his quarters through the air vents.
22:30I've paid off the guards.
22:32Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe.
22:35Now this is what you leave in his quarters.
22:38A half-eaten onion sandwich.
22:41That's always a passion killer.
22:44Is it? I like those.
22:47Then there's this. Morris Dancer Monthly.
22:52What a total dweebo nerdmeister a look with those.
22:56They're mine.
23:01And then there's these.
23:03Tragically unfashionable underpants.
23:06They're mine.
23:09And finally, Christian rock music.
23:12If that doesn't scare off, nothing will.
23:15Have you been going through my things?
23:18And not forgetting...
23:21A pair of scissors.
23:23This is the piece de resistance.
23:38I am...
23:41I am...
23:44I'm the Caesar of the Apostles, Hymns in Rock.
23:51I am...
23:59It's my chest of biscuits.
24:05I am...
24:08I am...
24:38I am...
24:43Oh, an assassin.
24:59What Mr. Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Crikey TV.
25:04Shh. Here he comes now.
25:09Mr. Lister.
25:10Crikey, is that you?
25:11You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kachansky was dating Tim, didn't you?
25:15What do you mean she isn't?
25:17Look who's quarters you really trashed.
25:25You said the gales had restored you back to normal.
25:28Whoops. You've been Crikey TV.
25:31Whoops. You've been Critered.
25:35I've ripped Ackerman's quarters.
25:37The appeal!
25:40And the surprises haven't finished yet here on Crikey TV,
25:43because Mr. Ackerman and his red-hot date are due back any second.
25:47Sir, it's a race against time.
25:49Start cleaning that room.
25:56Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about...
25:59The appeal!
26:01Spink!
26:11Spink!
26:30Spink!
26:38Spink!
26:43Spink!
26:49Spink!
27:00Thanks for watching, folks. See you next time.
27:02There he is.
27:04Right, come here a minute.
27:06I was just trying to boost the rating, sir.
27:08Get him, and then get back to the tank.
27:10It was nothing personal.
27:20The appeal.
27:22Ooh...
27:27Yes!
27:30Dear Mr. Lister, your appeal has been successful.
27:33From this day forth, all inmates with no records of violence or depression
27:37will be allowed to have strings on their guitars.
27:42APPLAUSE
27:48This appeal was all about guitar strings?
27:51You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?
27:55You mean to say I've been busting my balls
27:57so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar?
28:00You've been a brick, man.
28:03And as a personal thank you, I thought I'd write you a song.
28:12It's cold outside
28:15There's no kind of atmosphere
28:17I'm all alone, all on my own
28:20Never let me fly
28:22Far away from here
28:24Far, far, far
28:26It's a thousand miles
28:30I walk through the line
28:32Shivering legs and cold toes
28:34Drinking fresh mango juice
28:37Young fish toes
28:39Living on my toes
28:41Far, far, far
28:43It's a thousand miles
28:47Far, far, far
28:50It's a thousand miles
29:07Thanks for watching!