HOW TO HAVE BOUNDARIES

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12 November 2023 Livestream

Our topics this livestream include the status of Bitcoin, how to avoid the yo-yo of beating addictions by "rewarding" yourself when you've been "good," and what establishing boundaries looks like live on stream!

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Transcript
00:00:00 All right, let's get to your questions, comments, challenges, issues, criticisms.
00:00:06 Whatever is on your mind. I will be happy to respond.
00:00:12 I'm unsure how to reach back for those with bad childhoods without them pulling
00:00:16 me back down from your French Revolution presentation. The math checks out for 1933,
00:00:21 RoboBeast is my inner calculator. Right. How to reach back. Why do you speak about Bitcoin only when it rallies?
00:00:37 So I guess you've absorbed a general myth. Oh, my God, that's so funny. Oh, man, Stefanie ever talks about Bitcoin when it rallies.
00:00:46 Oh, tongue in cheek. Yeah, of course, it's not true, right? I was talking about Bitcoin when it was $2.
00:00:49 It was not rallying back then. And by the way, it rallied since I first brought it up for in a while.
00:00:55 It rallied when I first brought it up a week ago, Wednesday. All right.
00:01:02 Reach back for bad childhoods. It's a nice camera, but it makes my teeth look a little yellow.
00:01:06 How do I reach back for those with bad childhoods without them pulling me back down?
00:01:14 Well, have you had any experience with this?
00:01:26 Have you had any experience with this? I don't have any opinion on non-Bitcoin cryptos other than Ethereum fees are insane.
00:01:37 So reaching back to help people, you don't do that. So you don't go back and try and think for people for them.
00:01:47 You don't go back and try and extract them from the mazes and traps.
00:01:51 What you do is you are successful in your own life. You're positive in your own life.
00:01:56 You have your own life. Don't try and help anyone else unless your life is first in order.
00:02:01 Don't even try. You'll just be discrediting things, right?
00:02:05 Like all the people who still got to fix their lives, how many times have I yelled at them to not talk about FDR or philosophy or anything like that?
00:02:12 Get your own life sorted out when you're only, you know, put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping anyone next to you.
00:02:24 So once you've got your own life sorted out, then there will be people who will be curious about that and they will ask you and you can tell them how you did it.
00:02:34 When you can show people what a good life is, what a reasonable life is, what a positive life is, that's great.
00:02:43 And then you can tell them how you get there. You can put stuff out there in general.
00:02:48 You can just, you know, create a little sub stack or a blog or something like that.
00:02:55 And then they can start heading down that direction.
00:03:03 You can point them to good resources like this or other resources that can help people, but you don't get in there and try and solve people's problems.
00:03:11 Right? You do not get in there and try and solve people's problems.
00:03:18 Anthony, Anthony, are you in a place where you can be in a healthy and positive and productive relationship?
00:03:24 How do you pick up a girlfriend when in public transit, if she looks like she might be quality?
00:03:28 Anthony, are you in a place where you can have a healthy and positive and loving relationship?
00:03:42 That's a yes or no. You believe you are. Okay.
00:03:46 Did you phone firemen asking them to introduce you to women?
00:03:52 Well, okay, let's put this out there. Anthony, and this doesn't mean anyone's right or wrong, but to other people who know a little bit about Anthony,
00:04:00 do you believe that Anthony is in a place where he can have a productive, healthy and positive relationship?
00:04:09 It does seem to be that it's not, you may have some work to do. You may have some things to do, but you might want, it doesn't mean anyone's right.
00:04:20 It's just that that's some feedback. All right.
00:04:24 So yeah, when it comes to helping people, make sure your own life is in good order and share to people if they're interested,
00:04:32 but don't try and solve anyone's problems. Don't try and solve anyone's problems. That disempowers them, right?
00:04:40 All right. Steph, I see an inconsistency in your beliefs about Bitcoin.
00:04:46 You keep presenting it as a viable alternative to the current monetary system, but in your novel, The Present, the internet stops working, which would render Bitcoin useless.
00:04:55 Over on a past live stream, I asked if you expect to get things as bad in real life. You said, I expect things to get much worse.
00:05:02 In my novel, The Present, does the internet stop working? I can't, I can't recall.
00:05:10 I can't recall.
00:05:18 Over the 500 years between now and the future, cell service does.
00:05:24 Oh, well, cell service went down because there was a bunch of shortages, but I don't think that it, I don't think the internet went down for sure.
00:05:35 Now, you know that there's stuff in orbit, right? There's stuff in orbit and all you need is a power source, right?
00:05:41 So there is, you can get Starlink, you can get, right? I think Starlink is the big one that's in orbit.
00:05:47 So now that stuff is in orbit, you just need a power source.
00:05:51 Please tell me, please tell me everything that, please tell me you've got solar stuff for your phones.
00:06:01 Like, please tell me that. Please tell me that you have solar stuff for your phones, like even just a little thing you can spread out and charge a phone in the absence of electricity.
00:06:11 Please tell me that you may have some sort of alternative generating capacity.
00:06:21 So, I got a solar panel, but it sucks. Then get another one.
00:06:29 You can transmit Bitcoin transactions over the radio. You just need one. You just need one.
00:06:34 It's not the Library of Alexandria, people. I got a generator and gas. Well, that'll do for a while, right?
00:06:39 But I mean, if you have orbital satellites and you have a cell phone charger that's solar and you have a cell phone, can you get that done?
00:06:56 Yeah, okay. Steph, recently sprained my hip and can't exercise or play sports.
00:07:02 I've noticed my diet has suffered more junk food and less cooking, along with being proactive about various household chores.
00:07:07 Any advice for sticking with good habits when a setback such as this occurs?
00:07:12 I'm sorry about that, but why is it that if you sprained your hip, you can't exercise?
00:07:18 What am I missing? If you can't exercise, wouldn't you have to be in a full body cast?
00:07:31 I mean, I have hand grip exercises. If you've sprained your hip, why can't you do any kind of bicep curls or anything like that, right?
00:07:43 So, it sounds like lower body exercise. You're still doing bench, overhead press, etc. Can you go for walks at all, even slow ones?
00:07:56 My diet has suffered. My diet has suffered. That's very interesting.
00:08:06 I'm constantly scanning for self-abdication language. You know what that means, right?
00:08:16 Something happened. My diet has suffered. Now, you're choosing worse food.
00:08:24 Now, we all have this, and much though I enjoy watching everyone lord it over poor Tom, we all have this. Listen, listen, listen.
00:08:35 And Tom, great sympathy, we all have this, which is, you know, we're walking around, eating well and exercising like we're holding up our arm, and then what does nature give us?
00:08:46 Oh, what does nature give us? An excuse. Oh, man. Messed up my hip.
00:08:57 Oh, well, you know, hey, man, I got to treat myself a little. I can't really exercise that much. I'll have some junk food, you know. I mean, I'll get back, right?
00:09:08 So, what's happened is your standards are willed. They're not internalized.
00:09:15 I mean, we all have this. Oh, I've been good, and because I've been good, I can now be lazy. Because I've been good, I can now be bad.
00:09:24 We feel like virtue is something that we deposit in a bank, but there's no point just depositing. You've got to withdraw sometimes, otherwise you're just looking at numbers going up on a screen.
00:09:36 So, I've done all of this good. I've got to do some bad now, right? Deposit, withdraw. Does anybody else, is that just me? I mean, I certainly have that. I don't know if anybody else does. I think it's fairly common. This is why people yo-yo diet, right?
00:09:54 I've been so good, I need to reward myself with something that's not good for me, right? So, what's happened, Tom, and again, sympathy, sympathy, sympathy. You deserve it. You deserve a reward. I mean, and this is all in the media, right?
00:10:09 This is all in the media. Yeah, it's a belly cam, right? It's all in the media because it says, you know, you work so hard for others, it's time to treat yourself, and there's like a big box of chocolates or something like that, all this kind of crap, right? Treat yourself, man, I've been so good.
00:10:29 And again, there's no, you know, oh, I never experienced that because I'm perfect. Everybody does that, and being aware of that habit is important. Like, when you've been good, that's when the devil comes along and says, yeah, okay, so what's the reward of being good, right?
00:10:48 What's the reward of being good? What's the point of being good if you can't ever enjoy it, right? One treat, ah, it's one treat, ah, relax, you know, I remember, I literally remember this. I mean, my God, this is embarrassing, but true. I literally read, it was some stupid men's health magazine, not men's health itself, but one of those kinds of magazines, Six Pack Abs, and what they do is they show a professional athlete or model on the cover, and it's like, you too, with your desk job, can look like this guy who's paid a million dollars a year to be
00:11:18 an ab guy. And I literally, somebody wrote in, oh, you know, I had, I don't know, two slices of cheesecake last night, and it was like, ah, that's fine, just do a couple of extra sit-ups the next day, right? And that's a lie, pretty much, isn't it? Oh, you're going to have a couple of, just do a couple of sit-ups next day, and you've totally, you know, now maybe once in a while or whatever, like when you see somebody really skinny,
00:11:47 eat something, like on a movie, when you see somebody really skinny eat something kind of fattening, you're like, well, I guess they threw it up afterwards, right? Like, I remember Tom Cruise telling this story about having to eat chocolate cake for a scene until he basically passed out. They spit it out after the cut, yeah, maybe, maybe.
00:12:08 So, you know, the yo-yo thing. So then the question is, it's a mindset thing, and I'm not perfect this way, obviously, it's a mindset thing, but what I sort of try to remember or remind myself is something like this, which is,
00:12:29 am I punishing myself by being good and need to reward myself by being bad? Does that make sense? I'm just punishing myself by being good, I just, I gotta reward myself by being bad. I'm punishing myself by eating less. Now, if you sort of sit there and say, okay, well, maybe I can have a thing where, you know, it sounds cheesy, of course, but virtue is its own reward. Maybe you can have a thing where you're not stuck in a stress position when you do well.
00:12:56 Now, I get, also, also I get, and again, this is all complicated stuff, and this is sort of deep human vices and virtue stuff, I also get that you have to enjoy your life, you can't spend your whole life eating ramen noodles and doing sit-ups.
00:13:15 I mean, you do have to enjoy your life, and what is it they say, if you diet your whole life, you don't live forever, it just feels forever.
00:13:25 Gerard, do you think you might be a sex addict? Just out of curiosity.
00:13:29 Steph, I'm thinking of going to law school to meet attractive women who aren't strippers. I know strippers who are attractive, but to find a woman who's not a stripper is tough.
00:13:36 Really? Is it really? I've never actually, oh, so just because you're virgin doesn't mean you're a sex addict? You can be a sex addict just by thinking about it, right?
00:13:47 I already go to law school and I have my first exam on Tuesday, and many of these women in law school are hot, as I predicted, and they wear yoga pants too, and even think the yoga pants display was aimed at me.
00:14:05 I assume this is trolling stuff, right? Because you've also talked, what was it about, I remember seeing a post that you made about Kate Beckinsale, that Kate Beckinsale is like the hottest woman and blah blah blah.
00:14:17 Listen, dudes, dudes and dudettes, please limit your exposure to beauty, like physical beauty, please, please, I'd like to think I help a little with that, but no, please, please, please, limit your exposure to physical beauty.
00:14:31 Because if you, looking at beauty all the time, and this can be movies, videos, pornography, media, like looking at physical beauty all the time, it's just like a steady diet of sugar.
00:14:43 You have a steady diet of sugar and everything else is going to taste like crap, right?
00:14:47 So, yeah, please don't, I can't, Steph, my wife is home all day, I can't get away from it.
00:14:55 Well, good for you, good for you, and here's the other thing too, hit me with a Y if you've ever been to Vegas, hit me with a Y if you've ever been to Vegas.
00:15:06 I went to Vegas, I've been to Vegas a bunch of times for business, and once or twice for pleasure.
00:15:10 All right, so Vegas is like porn universe, or at least it was, it's been many years since I went there, but Vegas is porn universe because there's like ads for strippers, there's ads for prostitutes, there's just like half-naked stuff everywhere, right?
00:15:26 Now, do you know what a constant state of sexual arousal does to the male brain?
00:15:35 Uh, no, but I'm talking about the sexual stuff, right?
00:15:40 What does a constant state of sexual arousal do to the male brain?
00:15:46 Yeah, it makes you stupid.
00:15:51 It makes you stupid.
00:15:55 Every guy is attracted to beauty, what is so unbelievable about what I'm saying?
00:16:04 So, Gerard, do you actually have an input here, or is it just spraying out your neurosis, there's no input?
00:16:11 Because if there's no input, I'm not going to bother answering any of your questions.
00:16:14 So, yeah, I mean, I've made an argument here, and you are not listening to my argument, doesn't mean I'm right, but if you have no input, then I'm not going to bother, right?
00:16:27 I mean, I don't record podcasts with the microphone unplugged if there's no input.
00:16:33 I honestly don't understand why talking about beauty is trolling.
00:16:37 Yes, but Gerard, I made an argument.
00:16:40 Right, I made an argument, and you're not addressing it.
00:16:46 So, we're trying to have a conversation, and you're just repeating all of this nonsense, right?
00:16:50 That you are addicted to physical beauty, strippers, cape, back and style, women in yoga pants, whatever it is, right?
00:16:58 That you are addicted and perpetually horny, and this is...
00:17:04 You have to try and find some way to reduce the amount of sexual stimuli that you are exposed to.
00:17:12 Beauty singles fertility, I understand your argument.
00:17:18 Beauty signals fertility, I understand your argument.
00:17:22 That's not my argument at all.
00:17:24 Boy, this is a really great case of somebody not listening, or maybe not even having the capacity to listen.
00:17:30 Beauty signals fertility, I didn't make that argument today.
00:17:34 Alright, Gerard, try this.
00:17:38 Can you repeat back to me the argument that I made?
00:17:44 It doesn't have to be super long, I'm just curious if there is an input.
00:17:48 It doesn't mean you agree with it, but have you even heard it?
00:17:52 Not the argument you made, but the ultimate argument nevertheless.
00:17:56 Okay, well if it's the ultimate argument for you, I'm sorry, we're going to just have to dump you out of this,
00:18:01 because you're just going to keep typing without an input.
00:18:04 Could you... Let's see, how do we do this?
00:18:08 Yeah, if you could just drop them out.
00:18:11 Yeah, sorry, this is an input thing.
00:18:14 So yeah, I mean, if you're going to say that your perspective is the ultimate argument and perfectly right,
00:18:21 that's exactly the same as saying, then there's no input, right?
00:18:27 I have no input. My argument is perfectly right, and it's the ultimate argument, and... yeah.
00:18:35 So, yeah, you have to... I mean, there's a reason why a lot of the greatest thinkers were single,
00:18:41 a lot of the greatest thinkers were monastic, and so on.
00:18:44 And there's an old Seinfeld about this, about when George stops thinking about sex, he becomes more intelligent.
00:18:55 And, you know, the yoga pants thing too, I mean, it really is astonishing,
00:19:00 and I'm not used to it, I have not adjusted to this, which is this constant yoga pant thing,
00:19:06 it's like, literally you're going out.
00:19:08 Like, when I was in a dance troupe in theatre school, we had our dance skins, we had our, like, you know, real...
00:19:15 The idea of going out to get a coffee in my dance skins was just, like, insane.
00:19:20 Like, that would just be so weird, and so bizarre, right?
00:19:24 So, I don't know what this is going on... what is going on with all of these people...
00:19:31 Jared, please stop typing, just stop typing.
00:19:34 Just stop typing and listen, okay? Just stop typing and listen.
00:19:38 But yeah, this hyper-sexual culture, it's really sad.
00:19:41 I mean, how terrible do you have to feel about yourself as a woman that the only thing you have to offer is flesh?
00:19:49 Like you're on a buffet. You're on a buffet. You're just a flesh buffet.
00:19:56 That's all you have to offer. Race to the bottom.
00:20:00 Yeah, I saw this meme, and it was like, men playing piano on YouTube, and it was like, top-down, so you can see their keys.
00:20:07 "Women playing piano was a shot up past their butt."
00:20:10 Yeah, "Track pants with words printed on their butts. Juicy."
00:20:13 It's like, oh my god. Oh my god.
00:20:18 "Going to the grocery store involves 10% yoga pants, and it's enough to forget my shopping list.
00:20:23 Can't imagine how it affects my more creative and rigorous pursuits."
00:20:27 "Tight shredded jeans." Yeah, and the belly and the boobs and all of that kind of stuff.
00:20:35 Yeah, "Sex is everywhere." Sex is there, but it's there to dumb you down, right?
00:20:41 "Sweats that say 'pink' on the butt." My sister wore those as a kid. Yeah, that's just appalling.
00:20:49 That's just appalling.
00:20:53 Middle-level women get sucked into it and then don't develop social skills, then they get to post-35 and are really weird.
00:21:07 And then there's this horrible trap. This lobster trap.
00:21:15 You seen this lobster trap?
00:21:18 And the lobster trap is a woman gains social media attention by wearing incredibly tight and/or revealing clothing.
00:21:30 And then when people judge her body, she says, "You're not treating me like an individual. I'm a person with feelings, you know.
00:21:39 Like, I don't want to see this creepy, stalky, judgy... I'm just trying to inspire women to be their fittest and best selves,
00:21:46 and you're just all saying 'smash', 'not smash' and all of that." And it's like, "Oh my God."
00:21:56 It's so strange to me.
00:21:59 "Gerard, did I not ask you to stop typing? I just asked you this as a favor. You don't actually have to do it, but did you not..."
00:22:06 See, there's no input. There's no input. And you're never going to get a quality woman without an input.
00:22:10 If you don't listen, if you don't listen, then nobody's going to want to talk to you, really, because there is no talking to him.
00:22:26 You're going to have to deal with your anxiety in the mature self-knowledge fashion rather than just spraying all this text all over the stream.
00:22:36 So, it's as bizarre to me as a guy going around with a million-dollar watch and a Lamborghini and all of that kind of stuff,
00:22:50 and buying all these women bar service with very expensive champagne and then saying,
00:22:58 "Hey man, I don't want to be judged for my money. I don't want people to just spend time with me because of my money."
00:23:04 I'm a person with feelings. I'm a human being. I'm not just money.
00:23:16 All right. Could... let me see here. Yeah, I've asked him to stop talking and he's not respecting my wishes, so we will have to undo this.
00:23:30 I don't know if we can do this easily. I think it's worth taking a break to do it, don't you think?
00:23:38 I mean, I think it's a reasonable request. You're taking up too much bandwidth in the chat,
00:23:43 and you're not listening to what it is that I'm trying to give you in terms of feedback.
00:23:48 So, I think it's not a good fit at the moment. All right. Let me see here. I will find it.
00:24:05 Somehow, somewhere. All right. Let's see here. There we go. There we go.
00:24:26 Yes, I am very sorry, but this is not a good thing, and I'll probably have to do it later.
00:24:37 But yeah, if you could do me a favor and cancel your subscription, I would appreciate that. I would appreciate that.
00:24:44 No, Jared, don't start doing self-pity stuff here. Oh, please, please don't do it. No.
00:24:49 Listen, here's the thing, Jared. If somebody asks you for a favor, right? If somebody asks you for a favor,
00:24:56 like, "Can you please stop posting? You're kind of distracting everyone," and so on, and you just keep posting,
00:25:02 then don't play the victim. Don't even try. I mean, this is embarrassing. Don't play the victim.
00:25:08 I mean, if you can refrain. No, no. Did I ask you to change the topic, or did I ask you to stop posting?
00:25:17 Did I ask you to stop? Do you remember me asking you to stop posting? No, don't apologize. I don't care.
00:25:22 Did you hear me ask you to stop posting? Just yes or no. Yes or no. Last chance. Yes or no.
00:25:36 Did I say, "Please change the topic," or did I say, "Please stop typing. Please stop posting"?
00:25:40 Do you remember that? Yes, but I assumed you meant about the topic. No, you did not assume that at all,
00:25:49 because that's not what I said, and this is what I mean by no input. You must listen to people, Jared,
00:25:54 or you will never get anyone decent in your life. You did not assume that. Now you're lying.
00:26:00 I said, "Please stop typing," right? I said, "Please stop typing," and you kept typing, right?
00:26:12 And now you're lying. "Oh, no, I just assumed you meant about this particular topic. I didn't say,
00:26:17 "Please drop this topic." I said, "Please stop typing. Please stop posting." Do you remember me saying that?
00:26:23 Do you remember me saying that? Yes or no. This is time for honesty. Did you say, "Do you remember me saying that?"
00:26:36 Yes or no. Just yes or no. Do you remember me asking you to stop typing? Yes. Okay.
00:26:44 So, why did you decide to continue typing after I really strongly requested you to stop typing?
00:26:51 Why did you keep typing? Why did you change the topic and put in other things that were also distracting people as a whole?
00:27:02 No, you did not think that I didn't like the topic. No, because I didn't say, "Please stop typing about this topic.
00:27:09 "Please change the topic." That's not what I said. What did I say? Jared, just repeat back to me.
00:27:13 It doesn't mean you have to agree with it. What did I say? What did I say?
00:27:25 I said to stop typing. Okay, fantastic. Stop typing. Right? And did you keep typing?
00:27:39 Yes. Why did you keep typing? And this is not like some big terrible thing.
00:27:45 "Oh my God, why did you?" I'm just curious. Like, why do other people's preferences, why are they meaningless to you?
00:27:55 Because you understand, you want to get kicked here. I was just explaining myself and then I changed the topic.
00:28:03 No, that's not an answer. That's not an answer. People are finding this helpful, so we'll do this.
00:28:13 It's not the honest truth. I asked you to stop typing and you kept typing. Right?
00:28:24 So, you are used to rejection. You are setting yourself up. You have a slime in the box of repetition compulsion,
00:28:32 in my humble opinion, just an opinion. You have "I am rejected. I am unworthy. I don't understand what I did wrong."
00:28:39 Lie! That's a lie, Jared. You absolutely understand what you did wrong. Don't lie to me. Stop it.
00:28:47 It's ridiculous. It's embarrassing. Somebody says, "Stop flicking my ear." You keep flicking their ear and they move away
00:28:54 and you're like, "Hey, man, what did I do?" Come on, man. It's embarrassing. Please.
00:29:02 So, you have a thing where you get rejected. Right? So, you were rejected as a kid, you were rejected by your parents,
00:29:07 and you have this thing where you get rejected. So, you pursue strippers and you get rejected.
00:29:12 And you set up massive beauty ideals like Kate Beckinsale and you're attracted to all of these hot, hot, hot women,
00:29:17 but you have no social skills because you're pursuing this rejection, so they reject you.
00:29:21 Rejection, rejection, rejection. I set up a clear boundary saying, "Please, you know, I gave you 10-15 minutes of reply
00:29:27 on your conversation and then you kept going off in other directions. I asked you to stop typing. You kept typing.
00:29:32 Why did I ask you to stop typing? Because you weren't listening. And you were interfering with the flow of the conversation
00:29:41 because people who don't listen interrupt everyone else because everyone else, or at least most people here,
00:29:48 are going back and forth and having a conversation. So, I asked you to stop typing because you weren't listening.
00:29:57 Because you were going off on tangents, you weren't responding to my argument, and you were bringing up new topics,
00:30:03 and you weren't listening. And I told you that. I said, "Do you have an input? Is there any input here?"
00:30:09 Because you're just—"Right." And then you justified yourself by saying, "Well, what I'm saying is the ultimate and perfect argument."
00:30:17 You are in a cycle here where you get rejected. Right? Yeah, you bring up, "Oh, strippers and Kate Beckersdale is so hot
00:30:30 and I want to go to law school because there are women in yoga pants there." I mean, honestly, hit me with a "why."
00:30:36 Hit me with a "why" if you find that a little creepy. And I understand the word "creepy" can get a bit overused.
00:30:42 But hit me with a "why" if you find that a little creepy. Right? It's a little stalky, it's a little creepy.
00:30:48 I'm not saying you are in general, I'm just saying that the way that you communicate is—it's treating women as meat flesh objects.
00:31:00 Right? Meat flesh objects. "I want to talk to hot women in yoga pants." Right? So, you're hyper-sexed and you say you're a virgin and all of that,
00:31:15 which may mean a porn addiction, which may mean, of course—right? So, what happens is that, again, I don't want to—
00:31:24 fine, I'll keep my comments off the livestream, but I do like talking about sex because we are all adults here.
00:31:30 Is that what you define, adults? It is talking about sex. But you're not talking about sex because you're a virgin.
00:31:37 You're not talking about sex. Right? You're not talking about sex. You're talking about women's boobs and butts.
00:31:57 You're talking about women's boobs and butts and how you want to get closer to them, and that's not talking about sex.
00:32:11 And also the idea that the only people who wouldn't want to talk about stalking women in yoga pants are children is also a little bizarre to me.
00:32:21 That there are a lot of topics that adults can talk about. I mean, we talked about Bitcoin, the economy, debt, all that kind of stuff.
00:32:29 There are lots of topics that adults can talk about that don't involve stalking women in yoga pants. Does that make sense?
00:32:46 Yeah, children don't want to talk about women in yoga pants. Yes, that's very true. Is love and romance the most important topic?
00:32:54 But this is not love. This is stalky lust. Right?
00:33:04 Look, I know people—maybe it's worth pausing on this, maybe it's not. I think it is, because he's a more extreme example of something that we face a lot, right?
00:33:13 What guy isn't attracted to beauty? Now see, Gerard, you're just redefining things.
00:33:19 Because you're saying the only thing that's beautiful about women is their yoga pants.
00:33:23 The only thing that's beautiful about women is their flesh, their body.
00:33:26 The only thing that's beautiful about women is their meat.
00:33:36 I am a very visual guy. Right. Right.
00:33:45 So, this is a philosophy show, not a peep show. Right? This is a philosophy show, not a peep show.
00:33:58 So, we're sort of interested in arguments and depth and morality and virtue.
00:34:06 Kate Beckinsale has 150 IQ, so there is that as well. Is IQ equivalent to virtue? It is not.
00:34:14 How old are you? Just out of curiosity.
00:34:20 You're 30 and you're a virgin. Have you ever had a relationship more than a month with a woman?
00:34:33 No. All right. Do you watch a lot of pornography?
00:34:51 It's just a yes or no. Don't need an essay.
00:35:03 I occasionally see nude women in playboy, but porn, no. Right.
00:35:12 Now, is it that you approach women but get rejected or that you don't approach women?
00:35:30 Oh, and I go to the strip club too. Well, that could be considered a form of pornography.
00:35:36 Strippers don't care. Right. Right. Right.
00:35:46 I mean, to me, strip clubs would be worse than pornography, but...
00:35:54 So, you have been trying to, I assume, date women for 15 years.
00:36:02 Oh, God. She let me play with... Oh, God. Yeah, I'm sorry. This is... I mean, it was worth a shot.
00:36:11 It was worth a shot, but he's not going to work. It's not going to work.
00:36:17 I mean, personally, it might be something that you want to look at as far as all that goes, but...
00:36:27 Yeah, if you can... Yeah, we're going to cancel and block. Sorry, this is not a thing.
00:36:32 So, yeah, what he said was, he said, with regards to the stripper, he said...
00:36:45 What have we got? He said...
00:36:52 Oh, of course, it's gone. He said about the stripper that she let him touch her breasts and suck on them and all that kind of stuff.
00:36:59 So, yeah, I think that's not great. So, yeah, he's gone. He's gone.
00:37:06 No, listen, we can... Oh, gross and all of that, but is there not...
00:37:11 I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe I'm a bit over kind this way, and I'm certainly willing to hear that, but is it not the case that...
00:37:19 Oh, also, his subscription got cancelled, just so you know I'm not going to ban him and then also take his money.
00:37:26 So, his subscription got cancelled as well.
00:37:28 So, we can look at this, and honestly, I could be like...
00:37:34 Maybe I'm over-empathetic, or over-kind, or over-sympathetic and all of that, but isn't it just...
00:37:41 It's really... It's a sad thing, isn't it? Isn't it a sad thing?
00:37:46 It's a very sad thing.
00:37:49 No, I mean, honestly, if you think about what would have happened to that guy as a kid, that he would end up in this place at the age of 30.
00:38:00 Oof. It's... Like, you can feel sorry for people and also have boundaries.
00:38:07 Right? Boundaries doesn't mean you got to... I mean, does that make sense?
00:38:11 Boundaries doesn't mean you got to hate people or be angry at them.
00:38:14 Maybe that's the important part of this particular conversation.
00:38:19 Think he's just trolling?
00:38:22 I don't think so, and also, let's say he is just trolling.
00:38:27 Does that make it any better? Does that make it any fundamentally different, that this is his contribution?
00:38:36 So, honestly, you don't have to... To me, it's just like, "Oh, that's really sad. That's a really sad situation."
00:38:43 It's really sad.
00:38:45 And being sympathetic with people, being sorry about where their lives have ended up, I do think that's really sad.
00:38:55 And yeah, I mean, he's been posting some kind of...
00:38:57 And again, I know the term "creepy" is a bit overused, but yeah, some kind of creepy sex-obsessed stuff and all of that.
00:39:03 And you can absolutely have sympathy for people and have very clear boundaries.
00:39:16 And the people who come across really aggressive, and then when you start to call them out, they get all,
00:39:22 "Oh, I'm so sorry. Please don't..." You can't really...
00:39:27 Most people don't know how alone and unconnected the lower 40% of men are around 30.
00:39:32 It's very bad out there. Now, that's an unusual one, though. I think that's an unusual one.
00:39:38 And I mean, I tried to have a more reasonable conversation with him, but...
00:39:43 When he's starting to talk about sucking boobs of strippers, which also I think is really creepy,
00:39:49 because strippers are supposed to be, as far as I know, hands-off.
00:39:52 Like, there's lap dances, but you can't touch, and all that kind of stuff.
00:39:57 And of course, the fact that that's very maternal in a way, it's all very sad.
00:40:02 And so yeah, great sympathy. If you listen to this later, Gerard, I'm really sorry for where you're at in your life,
00:40:09 but I can't entertain that kind of conversation in this livestream.
00:40:17 The thing is, too, when people change the topic all the time or change the definitions and just won't tell you the truth,
00:40:24 you can't have a conversation with people who don't tell you the truth.
00:40:27 And of course, he was not telling the truth.
00:40:30 He inadvertently creeps women out who are around him by thinking this kind of stuff.
00:40:35 He's mentioned waiting after hours to get a chance at a date with strippers.
00:40:39 Yeah, you know, that is really tough. That is really tough.
00:40:44 And to me, that would come from... I obviously don't know, don't know the guy,
00:40:49 but I would imagine that comes from some pretty bad sexual experiences as a child.
00:40:59 Dave says, "But specifics of sexual details in public would seem normal to a man with zero social skills
00:41:04 and only connection with women as sex workers."
00:41:09 No, it's not a cry for help. I don't think it was. I mean, did you guys experience that as a cry for help?
00:41:15 I'm not sure. I wouldn't experience this as a cry for help.
00:41:21 It's a plea to be rejected, right? It's a Simon the Boxer thing, to be rejected, right?
00:41:27 He goes to strippers who are going to reject him. He creeps out after women who are going to reject him.
00:41:32 He's going to start creeping up on girls at law school and they're going to reject him.
00:41:37 He comes to this community and he's going to be rejected.
00:41:43 Yeah. "Why haven't you invited him to do a call-in?"
00:41:46 I don't particularly think it would be useful because if he's not willing to tell the truth in this,
00:41:53 then I don't think he would tell the truth in...
00:41:58 See, I don't know if you want to know, like, the philosophy of call-in shows.
00:42:04 The philosophy of call-in shows is that people have to tell the truth.
00:42:09 Because I can't verify anything, right? I can't verify anything.
00:42:19 And so, no, it's not an oversharing either. It's not an oversharing.
00:42:24 It's a purposeful disruption, right? To get attention and be rejected,
00:42:29 to get attention and be rejected, to get attention and be rejected, right?
00:42:35 So, with call-in shows, if people aren't going to tell me the truth,
00:42:40 then it's a dominance play on their part because they can lead me all over the garden path
00:42:43 and I can give them feedback on stuff that doesn't even exist.
00:42:52 And here's the thing, too. Boundaries are there to help people as well.
00:42:56 And I was certainly willing to sort of pause and talk with him,
00:42:59 but boundaries are there to help people as well.
00:43:01 It wouldn't do him any particular good to have him come and disrupt this community with that stuff, right?
00:43:07 So, and obviously it's very rare. I don't think I've ever banned someone live on a stream.
00:43:15 But I felt this was... Do you agree?
00:43:20 A, let me ask you this. Was this useful to sort of see, ask questions,
00:43:25 and then have boundaries but without anger? I think it was useful.
00:43:31 And, hey, Sam, welcome. And also, did you find it...
00:43:39 Do you agree with the decision to continue the live stream without his input?
00:43:48 Right. Yeah, I mean, no hate for the guy, a lot of sympathy.
00:43:54 I mean, that's just an agonizing existence. It really is.
00:43:57 It's an agonizing existence to feel so unworthy that a virgin at 30 is kind of half-obsessing
00:44:07 over Kate Beckinsdale, who he's never going to meet and whatever it is, right?
00:44:10 Like, it's really, really sad.
00:44:13 Well, I just, you know, I gave him a chance, like, please stop posting, right?
00:44:17 And then I asked him again, please stop posting.
00:44:20 And then I called him out and gave him some feedback, and he just kept posting
00:44:25 and changing definitions and saying that he was right and changing
00:44:28 and strawmanning and all of this stuff.
00:44:30 And so, yeah, it's a shame.
00:44:41 Oh, Dave says, "That guy needs a man to step on his neck metaphorically
00:44:45 and show him how to behave."
00:44:49 I don't know. I don't know.
00:44:55 He never said he wants to change. He never said, "I need help."
00:44:58 So what can you do?
00:44:59 Well, do you have people around, or have you been--
00:45:03 if you interacted with people where the non-sequiturs are just like,
00:45:06 "What? What are you talking--?"
00:45:08 Like, I don't even know particularly how to process.
00:45:12 "Steph, did you know the man who shot Reagan to get the attention of the actress he liked,
00:45:15 his mom had the same name?"
00:45:17 Oh, that's the guy who got obsessed with Jodie Foster, right?
00:45:20 His mom had the same name?
00:45:28 I don't think that level is as common among young men as a whole.
00:45:32 I mean, I've talked to a lot of young men over the course of this show.
00:45:34 Now, again, I know that's a self-selecting group, but I don't think that's--
00:45:39 I'd love to be a fly on the wall if Steph ventured into Twitch.
00:45:44 Why?
00:45:46 I mean, how much cleavage can you handle?
00:45:50 Twitch banned me, too, some years ago, if I remember rightly.
00:45:53 It got a little tough to keep--
00:45:55 Oh, the girls are a wreck? Is that right? Yeah, yeah.
00:45:58 All right, so let's get to your question.
00:46:03 "Steph, how did you learn to control your empathy for people
00:46:05 once you started to truly see how much everyone suffers
00:46:09 without even realizing they're suffering?
00:46:12 Philosophy shows you a world that seems tragic but true."
00:46:18 Right.
00:46:21 "Control your empathy for people once you started to truly see
00:46:24 how much everyone suffers."
00:46:28 So--oh, I don't know. Is it too soon?
00:46:32 No, it's not too soon. We've been chatting for an hour.
00:46:34 Mind-blowing time?
00:46:37 Mind-blowing time? Is it?
00:46:40 All right.
00:46:43 All right, here we go, here we go.
00:46:45 Empathy is a form of hope.
00:46:50 Empathy is a form of hope. Do you understand?
00:46:54 Now, when I was talking with this fellow, Gerard,
00:46:59 I had hoped that we could have a conversation,
00:47:02 and if he had answered questions honestly,
00:47:04 I would have suggested a call and that kind of stuff, right?
00:47:08 So I'm like, I hope that he will, and when I called him out
00:47:11 for lying to me, which he was, then I had no hope.
00:47:20 Right, so empathy is a form of hope.
00:47:23 So how do I control my empathy once I see how much everyone suffers
00:47:27 without even realizing they're suffering?
00:47:29 Well, you talk to people with the hopes that they'll listen
00:47:31 and that you can have some kind of conversation
00:47:33 that can be positive for both sides,
00:47:35 but isn't there a time when that silver thread of hope just goes, "boink"?
00:47:43 Right? So Gerard has been floating around the community
00:47:46 for I don't know how long, a year or whatever it is, right?
00:47:49 And I mean, almost all of his posts are just like,
00:47:52 to me, at least kind of off in a way, and it's not the end of the world.
00:47:55 I mean, I'm certainly off in a way for some people as well,
00:47:59 but isn't there a point where you just go, "boink"?
00:48:02 Like the hope stops.
00:48:07 And when the hope stops, for me, when the hope stops, the empathy stops.
00:48:12 And look, I still feel sorry for the guy in all of that,
00:48:14 but does that make sense?
00:48:17 Like you treat people the best you can, and the first time you meet them,
00:48:21 and I gave him an answer, I asked him to stop posting,
00:48:24 I called him out on his falsehoods, and I asked him for his reasons,
00:48:28 so you treat the best you can, right?
00:48:32 So empathy is hope.
00:48:38 I mean, a doctor works hard to save someone he believes can be saved.
00:48:43 You know the triage thing, right?
00:48:45 I've said this before, but it's an important thing to remember.
00:48:47 Triage and empathy are essential to get really worked under your skin.
00:48:51 So triage, there's three kinds of people, right?
00:48:54 You get 50 people coming in from a bus crash or something like that,
00:48:57 or a plane crash, and there's three types of people.
00:49:00 The people who are going to make it even if you don't help them right away,
00:49:03 the people who aren't going to make it no matter what,
00:49:05 and the people who will only make it if you treat them right away.
00:49:09 Does that make sense?
00:49:13 So there are some people who will improve through philosophy,
00:49:16 and I never have to talk to them.
00:49:18 There are other people, even if I talk to them, it won't do any good,
00:49:21 and there are other people who desperately need help in the moment,
00:49:23 which is why I tend to prioritize the call-in shows
00:49:25 according to a couple of categories, level of emergency,
00:49:28 particularly if there's a couple, and particularly if there are children involved,
00:49:31 and so on, right?
00:49:33 So it's triage, right?
00:49:37 It's triage.
00:49:40 So what does a doctor do when all these people are in the ER?
00:49:47 He examines them as quickly as possible,
00:49:49 and they've all trained to look for the signs.
00:49:51 Somebody's bleeding out, yep, bind their wound, right, and then they'll survive.
00:49:54 Somebody's already dead, ship them over there,
00:49:56 because we can't do anything for them.
00:49:58 Somebody who's got a sprained thumb, he's going to hold, he's going to be fine,
00:50:01 put him over there, so I just deal with the people
00:50:04 who absolutely need help right now, or they're not going to make it.
00:50:07 Does that make sense?
00:50:09 So you evaluate people.
00:50:11 You evaluate people.
00:50:13 Will they listen? Do they have an input?
00:50:15 Are they willing to admit that they're wrong?
00:50:17 Are they willing to tell the truth, right?
00:50:19 You triage when you meet people.
00:50:27 And you categorize them, right?
00:50:35 And we all have a sense for the people who are just going to redefine
00:50:38 whatever you say to serve their own neuroses, right?
00:50:41 Whatever you say, whatever you say,
00:50:43 they redefine it in order to serve their own neuroses.
00:50:51 So there's no input.
00:50:56 I mean, can you imagine, you know, there's these scenes in the old movies
00:50:59 where you get to satisfyingly hang up on people,
00:51:01 scenes in the old movies, right?
00:51:03 "I'm really mad at you, hello?"
00:51:05 "Hello? He hung up on me."
00:51:08 Can you imagine, he knows the person's hung up,
00:51:10 he's going to keep yelling at the person, right?
00:51:13 "I took my mother into full ER, we thought she was having a heart attack,
00:51:16 she saw a doctor in less than five minutes."
00:51:19 Yeah.
00:51:22 "When I was going through my cancer treatment
00:51:24 and my immune system was wrecked so I couldn't sit in the ER,
00:51:28 they put me off in some other room and then they just completely forgot about me.
00:51:31 They said, 'Don't come back to the ER until we come to get you.'
00:51:33 So I waited and I waited and that was just brutal.
00:51:36 They completely forgot about me."
00:51:38 Crazy.
00:51:43 "How much time are you going to spend counseling someone who's 300 pounds
00:51:46 who claims they're not overweight?"
00:51:48 "I'm not overweight, you're fat.
00:51:50 I'm a perfect weight."
00:51:53 "Oh, BMI is just made-up voodoo nonsense, right?"
00:51:56 "Did you see Elon Musk's new chat, GBT rival, Grok?"
00:52:00 Yes, it's pretty funny.
00:52:02 He modeled it after Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
00:52:07 So it's pretty spicy.
00:52:09 I assume that it's going to be forced to lie,
00:52:14 just like all the other AIs are being forced to lie.
00:52:18 I mean, it's just sad.
00:52:20 It's just sad.
00:52:24 All right.
00:52:28 Let's get to your questions.
00:52:32 "Hey, Steph, recently I remembered a childhood neighbor of ours.
00:52:35 He was so obsessed with his lawn that he owned multiple mowers
00:52:38 and would make his wife mow at the same time as him
00:52:40 and make his adult kids do lawn care for him when they visited.
00:52:43 What is the philosophical perspective about the mainly boomer male stereotype
00:52:46 of obsessing over their lawn care/grass?"
00:52:50 All right.
00:52:52 Hit me with a 'why' if you ever tried to help your father with something
00:52:56 and got yelled at.
00:52:58 Hit me with a 'why' if you ever tried to help your father with something
00:53:01 and got yelled at.
00:53:03 This is like a meme, right?
00:53:05 "Oh, God, Dad wants me to hold the flashlight while he's fixing something in the dark.
00:53:09 I'm doomed!"
00:53:11 Right?
00:53:16 There is a kind--
00:53:18 Do I think Republicans will win the 2024 election?
00:53:21 I don't do politics.
00:53:24 So--
00:53:27 Now, if you try and help Mom with stuff in the kitchen,
00:53:31 you'll sometimes get yelled at, but God help you
00:53:33 if you're alone with your father in the garage and he needs some help.
00:53:37 What are the odds that you're going to hand exactly the right screwdriver to him?
00:53:41 What are the odds that the right-sized wrench is going to end up in his hand?
00:53:44 What are the odds that you're going to push the right button,
00:53:47 grab the right tool, do the right thing, hold the light at the right angle?
00:53:52 Oh, my God.
00:53:56 So many years ago, when we used to have free-domain barbecues,
00:54:00 we'd just invite people up and we'd just barbecue all weekend and chat,
00:54:04 and it was really, really nice.
00:54:06 So some people came up a little bit early,
00:54:08 and it was fine that they came early, but--
00:54:11 Oh, James, you might remember this.
00:54:13 We said, "Listen, we need to just trim a couple of things
00:54:16 and do a couple of things in the yard and all of that.
00:54:18 If you'd like to help, great. If not, that's fine."
00:54:20 And they came out and they helped, and I was like, "Hey, great job.
00:54:22 Thanks so much," and blah, blah, blah.
00:54:24 And I remember a couple of them were like, "My God, I was really nervous
00:54:27 to do any kind of yard work because whenever I did yard work as a kid--"
00:54:31 Right?
00:54:37 Husbands can be like this when they're wives.
00:54:41 When their wives claim that the computer doesn't work,
00:54:43 "It's not working. I did everything right. It's not working."
00:54:49 "Did your father ask for a lot of help when you went to visit him in Africa?"
00:54:51 "Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Yes, he did."
00:54:56 "So I had meet-ups at your house."
00:55:02 "Yeah, yeah, back in the day."
00:55:06 "My wife just asked me to do anything computer-related."
00:55:08 "Yes."
00:55:09 "Oh, yeah, no, if you have a wife, women tend to assume
00:55:13 that the computer is not working in general.
00:55:15 There's lots of exceptions, but women tend a little bit more
00:55:17 that the computer is not working, and men are like,
00:55:20 "No, I don't think it just stopped working for you."
00:55:23 Right?
00:55:24 So they were great.
00:55:26 So why is someone obsessing over lawn care and grass?
00:55:34 So there's a couple of layers to this.
00:55:37 One of the things I was praised for I ended up doing professionally.
00:55:40 Yes, my mother constantly yelled at me to not think.
00:55:44 You know when a crazy person tells you not to do something?
00:55:47 What do you most want to do if you want to have a chance at sanity?
00:55:50 Don't think!
00:55:52 Hmm, crazy person's telling me not to think.
00:55:54 You know what would probably be a good idea?
00:55:57 Thinking.
00:56:00 My neighbor asked us to rake leaves for $2, and I was shocked he actually paid us.
00:56:04 My dad always came up with some excuse about what a poor job we did
00:56:07 and never paid us.
00:56:11 Right.
00:56:13 Oh, God.
00:56:15 Oh, rant.
00:56:17 Oh, I can feel it.
00:56:19 Icelandic volcano bowel movements are occurring.
00:56:22 Oh, no.
00:56:25 Oh, no.
00:56:27 That's right, Michelle.
00:56:28 Uh-oh, it's right.
00:56:30 Ah.
00:56:31 Hmm.
00:56:36 That's right, Phil Collins' drum roll.
00:56:38 All right.
00:56:40 All right.
00:56:41 Do you know why your father wants you to feel like you're incompetent?
00:56:45 Do you know why your father wants to believe that you're incompetent?
00:56:54 No, not because he's insane.
00:56:56 Why?
00:56:58 Does your mother want to believe that you can't do anything right?
00:57:00 Why does your father want you to believe that you just can't do anything right?
00:57:04 Why?
00:57:05 So you don't outshine him.
00:57:06 No.
00:57:07 To feel superior.
00:57:08 No.
00:57:09 My dad is a sadist.
00:57:10 Maybe.
00:57:11 Sorry to hear that.
00:57:13 They don't want you to surpass them.
00:57:15 That's right.
00:57:16 What if your kids are just like you?
00:57:21 If your kids are just like you, that means you're going to fucking die.
00:57:28 You're going to die.
00:57:29 When my daughter started to surpass me in video game twitchiness, I'm like,
00:57:33 "Oh, right.
00:57:34 You are kind of here to replace me, and I'm going in the ground."
00:57:38 You follow?
00:57:39 "Oh, kids these days, they're totally different from us," is a massive,
00:57:43 pathetic, cringing, cowardly denial of death.
00:57:52 You follow?
00:57:54 "The generations have broken with me.
00:57:56 They'll never be the greatest generation.
00:57:58 They don't make them like your father anymore.
00:58:00 The kids these days are just --"
00:58:04 No.
00:58:05 I'm not just part of the endless 15,000 generation chains of disposable
00:58:09 humanity.
00:58:10 Nope.
00:58:13 Kids, oh, man, when we were their age, we did this, and when we were their
00:58:17 age, you know, walking upwards in the snow, uphill to school each way.
00:58:24 I just got a job, and I just bought a house, and I didn't fuff around with
00:58:27 this, and I didn't need this, and I -- oh, my God.
00:58:31 Jared says, "My dad's midlife crisis started once his first three kids
00:58:35 moved out to avoid his own mortality.
00:58:39 I cannot fathom thinking that.
00:58:40 I hope my children are a million times better than me in every way.
00:58:43 I want the world for them."
00:58:44 What?
00:58:47 What?
00:58:49 I hope my children are a million times better than me in every way?
00:58:54 Oh, gross.
00:58:56 What are you talking about?
00:58:59 How the hell are they going to respect you if they're a million times better
00:59:02 than you in every way?
00:59:04 More honest, more moral, more virtuous, more consistent, better people.
00:59:08 Ew, gross.
00:59:10 What are you talking about?
00:59:14 Which generation are the toughest in your opinion?
00:59:24 People are people.
00:59:28 "My son just surpassed me at dirt biking.
00:59:30 Weird kind of happy."
00:59:31 It is.
00:59:32 It's weird.
00:59:33 It's complicated, right?
00:59:34 It's complicated.
00:59:35 Yeah, nothing you do is good enough.
00:59:37 I'm better than you.
00:59:38 I'm stronger than you.
00:59:39 I'm taller than you.
00:59:42 I can drink more than you, and it's just -- I'm so tough, I'm not going to die.
00:59:47 You're so incompetent that I'm going to live forever.
00:59:51 I want them to take the lessons I give them and exceed.
00:59:57 What do you mean, you want them to be better than you?
01:00:09 I don't -- I mean, sorry, maybe I'm completely -- if they're a million times
01:00:14 more moral, then what does it matter if they respect me?
01:00:17 They will make the right choices anyway.
01:00:23 Why do you want them to leave you in the dust?
01:00:25 Why do you want them to be a million times better than you?
01:00:30 I don't -- like, you've gone from one extreme to the other.
01:00:35 "My kids are totally incompetent.
01:00:36 My kids are man-gods incapable of error."
01:00:40 I don't understand how each of those is a human perspective on strengths and
01:00:44 weaknesses.
01:00:51 You don't want your children to worship you as a god, but why on earth would you
01:00:54 want to worship your children as gods?
01:00:58 You -- I hope that you're a million times better than me.
01:01:01 "Oh, that's a little bit of pressure now, isn't it, Dad?
01:01:04 I've got to be a million times better than a guy who follows a great
01:01:07 philosophy show."
01:01:09 Oh, my gosh.
01:01:12 And even if they are -- whatever that means -- a million times better than you,
01:01:18 how is that possible unless they're vastly superior human beings?
01:01:23 If you had a tough upbringing and you got to be a good parent,
01:01:27 that's about as good an outcome as can be conceived of, in my view,
01:01:31 like a pretty objective view.
01:01:36 So if you went from minus eight parenting to plus eight parenting, fantastic.
01:01:41 So they start at plus eight parenting and they go to plus ten parenting,
01:01:44 are they a million times better than you?
01:01:46 No, because you did 16 improvement and they did two.
01:01:51 I think that was just a little hyperbole.
01:01:54 "Ah, Paula.
01:01:56 No, lady, stepping in to cool the conflict.
01:02:02 Stepping in to cool the conflict."
01:02:06 No, no, no, he was just -- it was a hyperbole.
01:02:09 Do you not think hyperbole comes from somewhere?
01:02:11 Do you not think that hyperbole contains within it an attitude that has some
01:02:14 truth to it?
01:02:19 My daughter is going to be -- I mean, she's a great person.
01:02:22 She's a great person.
01:02:23 Is she a million times better than me?
01:02:25 I don't even know what that would mean.
01:02:27 Her life and my life are so unbelievably different that it's apples to unicorns.
01:02:37 Yeah, I think she's great.
01:02:40 I know I don't like the word cool, but she's really cool.
01:02:43 And she's very funny, she's very fast, and she combines sarcasm with affection
01:02:48 in a truly delightful fashion.
01:02:49 It's kind of a teenage thing, I think.
01:02:51 Is she a million times better than me?
01:02:53 I don't even know what that would mean.
01:02:57 I think you're saying that as a kind of attitude.
01:03:00 Oh, like that's a virtue signal.
01:03:02 Like I just want my kids to do so much better than I do.
01:03:09 Obviously being hyperbolic, I would love to tell my children at the end of my
01:03:12 life that they've done better than I did, and I would hope that it was my
01:03:16 influence that helped them get there.
01:03:18 Do you wish for your daughter to surpass you?
01:03:20 No.
01:03:23 I don't want my daughter to measure herself by me at all.
01:03:32 I don't want her to say, "Well, am I doing better or worse than my father?"
01:03:36 I don't want that for her at all.
01:03:37 I want her to have her own thoughts, her own feelings, her own standards of
01:03:41 measurement.
01:03:42 What do I want my daughter to measure herself by?
01:03:46 Me?
01:03:47 No!
01:03:48 She can't measure herself by me because we had such vastly different
01:03:51 upbringings.
01:03:52 What do I want my daughter to measure herself by?
01:03:56 What do I want my daughter to measure herself by?
01:03:58 Yeah, philosophy and virtue.
01:03:59 Not her own principles.
01:04:00 No, not her own principles.
01:04:02 She can't have her own principles.
01:04:05 I just want my kids to be happy.
01:04:07 Sorry, Joe.
01:04:12 Well, that's just -- you know, I don't even know what to say about that.
01:04:18 Yeah, listen, my daughter is never going to have to struggle with a history
01:04:21 of violence.
01:04:24 My daughter is never going to fight her way out of a crazy pit of violence
01:04:28 and abuse, right?
01:04:31 You are her authority figure and taught her those principles.
01:04:33 Would she not naturally think of you when measuring those things?
01:04:40 Okay, so Aristotle, Ayn Rand, other philosophers taught me a lot of
01:04:45 principles.
01:04:46 Do I, at this point in my life, do I say, "Gosh, would Ayn Rand approve of
01:04:50 what I'm saying?
01:04:51 Would Aristotle give his stamp of approval over what I'm saying?"
01:04:55 I don't measure myself by my authority figures because that would be to
01:04:59 never, ever outgrow being a student.
01:05:04 And the whole purpose of a teacher is to have the students outstrip him,
01:05:08 or at least be independent of him, I suppose you can say.
01:05:14 I imagine part of this is an insecurity that we get when raised by terrible
01:05:17 parents.
01:05:18 Am I doing enough?
01:05:19 Have I really grown enough?
01:05:20 Am I truly virtuous?
01:05:21 I think doubting your measuring stick is part of this.
01:05:24 Look, I mean, as a parent, yes, you -- of course you're going to -- you're
01:05:28 going to tweak and guide and -- yeah, I get all of that for sure, right?
01:05:33 But if you're fulfilling the non-aggression principle, you're enjoying
01:05:38 company of your kids, you are honest with them about what you think and
01:05:42 feel, I mean, honestly, I don't know what you can do that's better than
01:05:45 that.
01:05:48 I don't know what you can do.
01:05:49 Like, being nice is so easy.
01:05:52 Did you ever have this thing when you were a kid?
01:05:54 Like, as I grew up as a kid, as a kid in all these paper-thin, horrible
01:05:58 apartments, which were just beehives of insanity and dysfunction, and all
01:06:03 of these people yelling at each other and screaming at each other and
01:06:06 fighting with each other and all of that, I'm like, "Why?
01:06:09 It's so exhausting.
01:06:11 It's so -- it's such work to be weird.
01:06:14 It's such work to be angry.
01:06:16 It's such work to be hostile.
01:06:17 It's such work to be neurotic.
01:06:19 It's such work to be -- ah!"
01:06:21 God!
01:06:24 Just, you know, be nice to your kids and obviously don't yell at them,
01:06:27 don't call them names, don't hit them and encourage them and, you know,
01:06:29 give them honest feedback and be yourself and if they're annoying you,
01:06:32 tell them that they're annoying you, not that they're wrong, but that
01:06:34 they're annoying you, like all of that sort of stuff.
01:06:40 Marriage is such hard work.
01:06:41 It's really not.
01:06:43 It's really not hard work at all.
01:06:45 Fighting is hard work.
01:06:46 Divorce is hard work.
01:06:48 Going to bed angry, that's hard work.
01:06:49 I don't know that being nice to your partner and enjoying their company
01:06:53 is hard work.
01:06:56 Went for like a two-hour walk with my wife yesterday, just delightful.
01:07:01 It was delightful.
01:07:03 Great conversation.
01:07:06 I genuinely think there's people who get to the point in life where they've
01:07:09 been angry and yelling at for so long that the moment there is peace,
01:07:12 it is excruciating for them.
01:07:13 I think that's very true.
01:07:14 And I would reframe that a little bit to say,
01:07:20 do you know what people are fighting?
01:07:22 They're never fighting each other.
01:07:25 Right?
01:07:26 They're never fighting each other.
01:07:27 Do you know what people are fighting?
01:07:30 When they fight, what are they fighting?
01:07:32 What are they yelling at?
01:07:33 What are they hitting?
01:07:35 What are they fighting?
01:07:40 What are they opposing?
01:07:41 What are they angry at?
01:07:44 Their childhood self?
01:07:45 Nope.
01:07:47 Their internal parents?
01:07:50 Yeah, you got it, man.
01:07:54 They're fighting their conscience.
01:07:58 They're fighting their guilt at their own bad behavior as adults.
01:08:03 That's why parents yell at their children, because their children's fear
01:08:07 or compliance or aggression or resistance or avoidance.
01:08:10 Why is it the parents, "Oh, you treat this place like a hotel.
01:08:13 You just want to go spend time with your friends."
01:08:15 Why?
01:08:16 Because their kids prefer their friend's company to their parents' company,
01:08:20 because the parents are often assholes.
01:08:22 So people do bad things, and then they yell at those who manifest
01:08:27 the result of their own bad behavior.
01:08:31 Right?
01:08:40 They're yelling at their own conscience.
01:08:42 Almost all conflict is conflict with your own conscience.
01:08:49 I mean, all the people who say, "There's white privilege,"
01:08:52 they yell at other people for being racist.
01:08:54 I mean, they're just yelling at their own conscience.
01:08:56 It's nothing to do with anything else.
01:09:06 I understand the goal is for her to embody these principles herself,
01:09:10 but she looks up to you because you were the example for her
01:09:13 and you were virtuous and a loving father.
01:09:15 Isn't it natural for her to want to live up to your example
01:09:17 as part of her motivation to be a virtuous person?
01:09:25 Well, but you're conflating two things here.
01:09:31 You're conflating two things here.
01:09:34 So you're talking about a kid who's 10,
01:09:38 and then you're talking about a kid who's 60,
01:09:40 who's now an adult and has been an adult for 42 years, right?
01:09:49 So when you're teaching your children language,
01:09:51 yes, they need to copy what you're doing,
01:09:53 they need to respect you as a teacher and all of that for sure.
01:09:56 But you don't want to tell them what to say for the rest of their lives.
01:10:00 So you're conflating two things.
01:10:02 My issue wasn't that I want my daughter to look up and emulate my behavior.
01:10:06 That wasn't the issue because that's not what he said, right?
01:10:10 What did he say?
01:10:11 He said, "I hope my kids end up a million times,
01:10:14 they grow into a million times better over the course of their lives in the future,
01:10:17 blah-de-blah-de-blah." Does that make sense?
01:10:20 So we're not talking about being a child.
01:10:23 We're talking about what your children grow into as adults.
01:10:33 And a million times better off is self-deprecating speech.
01:10:36 You can't lead if you think there's a possibility
01:10:39 that someone can be a million times better at something than you.
01:10:43 And again, I know that's hyperbole and all of that, right?
01:10:45 But yeah, you're absolutely right, Jared.
01:10:48 I think that's probably the heart of what I'm saying.
01:10:50 Don't put, "Oh, you guys are going to be so much better than me.
01:10:53 You're going to be a million times better than me."
01:10:55 It's like, "What?" Then don't be a leader.
01:10:58 You can't lead your kids if you don't think that
01:11:02 you're really good at what you're doing.
01:11:04 I can teach my daughter tennis.
01:11:07 I'm pretty good at tennis. Took a lot of lessons.
01:11:09 Did some semi—I did a bunch of tournaments when I was a kid.
01:11:15 So that's too self-effacing. That's too self-reducing.
01:11:19 Your kids need to look up to you.
01:11:21 And if you think they could be a million times better than you,
01:11:25 what do you have to offer them?
01:11:29 I know that seems nice. I don't think it is.
01:11:32 I think it's something that seems nice.
01:11:38 I think it seems nice.
01:11:41 And it seems encouraging.
01:11:43 But your kids need you to lead.
01:11:49 I mean, let's say—let me ask you this, right?
01:11:51 Let me ask you this.
01:11:53 If I met someone who was a million times better at philosophy than I was,
01:12:04 what should I do?
01:12:09 No, not retire. No, not retire.
01:12:14 No, a million times I can't get better.
01:12:15 I can't get a million times better at anything.
01:12:19 Learn from them, follow them, become their student.
01:12:24 No, I would support them.
01:12:28 You're not in competition with anyone but yourself.
01:12:30 Well, that's just not true.
01:12:31 That's just a fortune cookie. That's completely not true.
01:12:34 You're in competition with everybody. Don't fool yourself.
01:12:37 Of course you're in competition with everybody.
01:12:39 You want to ask out the most popular girl?
01:12:41 You're in competition with all the other guys.
01:12:42 You want to get a job?
01:12:43 You're in competition with all the other people.
01:12:45 I want your eyeballs on a Sunday morning?
01:12:46 I'm in competition with all the other eyeballs.
01:12:48 The idea that you're not in competition with anyone but yourself
01:12:51 is absolutely, completely, and totally false.
01:12:53 I just want to push back against that like it's empirically false.
01:12:56 Absolutely false.
01:12:57 Now, of course, what you're going to do is you're going to say,
01:12:59 "Well, I didn't mean it that way."
01:13:00 It's like, "No, don't say things that aren't true, please."
01:13:03 Before you say things, before you type things,
01:13:06 don't say things that aren't true.
01:13:08 Be skeptical of all your thoughts.
01:13:10 You're not in competition with anyone but yourself.
01:13:13 Please, go tell that to an athlete.
01:13:16 No, no, you're just running against yourself.
01:13:18 Well, why are all these other people doing here?
01:13:20 Go to Boston Marathon, right?
01:13:23 Why are you only running alone?
01:13:24 You're just running with yourself.
01:13:26 No. No.
01:13:28 The competition is a very real thing,
01:13:30 and you're constantly in competition with other people,
01:13:32 and what's wrong with that?
01:13:33 And in fact, accepting that you're in competition with other people makes you better.
01:13:36 Makes you better.
01:13:38 It's been studied and proven that runners run better
01:13:41 when somebody's running fast next to them, really fast,
01:13:43 maybe even a little faster, right?
01:13:46 So, yeah, if somebody was a million times better at philosophy than I was,
01:13:51 I would stop doing shows, and I would work to support them.
01:13:56 I would maybe do research for them.
01:13:58 I would help promote what they were doing.
01:14:00 You understand? My gosh.
01:14:04 I mean, if you're in a band, and someone comes along,
01:14:08 and you're the singer in a band, and someone comes along
01:14:10 who's like a million times better at singing, you step aside.
01:14:18 Yeah, if one hunter in the tribe is a million times better at hunting,
01:14:21 you just sharpen their spear and hand it to them.
01:14:26 Competition raises testosterone like nothing else, yeah?
01:14:30 Sorry, back to the lawn thing.
01:14:31 Thank you so much. I apologize for this.
01:14:33 Thank you so much for reminding me of the lawn thing.
01:14:36 So, obsessed with lawn. He owed multiple mowers.
01:14:39 Okay, so, the lawn is often—
01:14:48 like the front lawn is the analogy for the exterior of the personality, right?
01:14:54 So, a perfect front lawn is somebody who can't handle criticism
01:14:59 and is manipulating the world so that people have a positive impression of him
01:15:04 without actually having to get to know him.
01:15:07 It's a veneer.
01:15:08 And this is somebody—why can't he handle criticism?
01:15:11 Because criticism was used in a destructive, anti-mortal,
01:15:16 anti-mortality way when he was a kid.
01:15:22 To accept your kids are kind of like you is to accept that you're going to die.
01:15:25 People don't want to do that.
01:15:27 So, when he was a kid, his father yelled and screamed at him,
01:15:30 and things had to be perfect and so on, and so you can't handle criticism.
01:15:34 Right? You can't handle criticism.
01:15:37 You know, like earlier I gave some criticism to Gerard,
01:15:42 but I mean, I don't think I did it out of a place of hatred or contempt
01:15:45 or anger or anything like that.
01:15:46 Maybe a little impatience and all of that, but that was only after a while.
01:15:50 But, you know, he asked a question, and I tried to give him an honest
01:15:53 and accurate and helpful response and all of that.
01:16:01 Also, it is somebody who takes an obsessive care about their own appearance,
01:16:06 and the lawn at the front of the house is kind of a care of your own appearance.
01:16:14 So, somebody who takes an obsessive care of their own appearance is telling you what.
01:16:19 Let's say somebody is like, "I've got to mow the lawn, and it's got to be just perfect,
01:16:23 and I've got to, like, I can't rest, and it's got to be perfect outside."
01:16:26 What they're telling you fundamentally is that this is where their time and attention is going,
01:16:32 and it's not going somewhere else.
01:16:35 Right? It's not going somewhere else.
01:16:37 Always look at the opportunity cost, right?
01:16:39 So, you see someone, and this is a fair thing to say, right?
01:16:42 You see somebody with a perfect physique, right?
01:16:44 A perfect, like, just, you know, David, moving around, right?
01:16:49 They've got a perfect physique.
01:16:51 They're telling you about all the things they haven't done in pursuit of that perfect physique.
01:16:57 I don't know if you've ever known someone who's really been aiming for a perfect physique.
01:17:01 It's obsessive eating. It's proteins. It's powders.
01:17:04 It's three hours a day in the gym or two hours a day in the gym.
01:17:07 It's everything, right? It's a whole thing.
01:17:10 Fine, but it's the opportunity cost, right?
01:17:13 It's the opportunity cost.
01:17:17 I want to look good, and that's going to come at the cost of being good.
01:17:23 I want to look good, and to some degree, that's going to come at the cost of being good.
01:17:32 There's so many other things you could have spent $400 of when you see tattoos.
01:17:36 Yeah, well, tattoos and the pain and the time and the choosing and all the friends.
01:17:41 And what people with tattoos are saying is that they're saying,
01:17:44 "I'm entirely surrounded by people who have no problem with me getting tattoos."
01:17:48 Somebody says, "Another thought about Gerard. I get the feeling he was always trying to wrangle the kind of,
01:18:00 'Yeah, bro, boobs are totally hot,' from anybody else, perhaps to normalize it to make himself feel less of an outlier."
01:18:05 Nope. Sorry, that's not it. That's not it.
01:18:09 Sorry, I mean, you're brilliant, and I could be wrong, but no, that's not it.
01:18:14 The reason why that's not it is, do you think that there are places on the Internet
01:18:18 where someone like him could go to get, "Yeah, bro, boobs are totally hot"?
01:18:23 Right?
01:18:27 He could go anywhere. Why would he come to a philosophy show
01:18:31 with a man who loves his wife and is raising a daughter who's about to turn 15
01:18:38 and talk about women's bodies like they're just absolute pieces of meat?
01:18:42 Right?
01:18:45 So he comes here not because he's looking for agreement, but because he's looking for rejection.
01:18:50 So, yes, you can listen to stuff while doing bicep curls for two hours.
01:18:56 You can multitask. Now, in the past, it really wasn't possible with gym stuff.
01:19:00 All you could do in the past, really, was listen to music, which was fine.
01:19:04 I still remember my whole mixtape for listening to music.
01:19:09 Gosh, what did I have? I started off with The Obvious Child by Paul Simon,
01:19:15 and then I went to I Can Feel No Sense of Measure.
01:19:18 I went to Leave It by Yes, and then it transitioned into Dragon Attack by Queen,
01:19:26 and then Face the Face by Pete Townshend. I still remember my whole mixtape.
01:19:30 It's probably somewhere on the planet still, but I still remember my whole mixtape
01:19:35 from when I used to work out. When I played Macbeth, it was the only time in my life
01:19:40 I've ever really bulked up when I played Macbeth.
01:19:43 I did six reps of six super heavy weights to just bulk up as much as possible.
01:19:49 So, yeah, Longcare is saying, "I can't handle criticism,"
01:19:58 and that's because criticism was used to humiliate and abuse, right?
01:20:01 "What's your max bench press?"
01:20:08 Oh, gosh, did I get to 200? No, more, because that's just a push-up.
01:20:14 Well, 190 and change, or whatever. I can't honestly remember.
01:20:17 "How much did you weigh during Macbeth?" I didn't even weigh myself.
01:20:20 Oh, no, I did. No, I did. Actually, no, hang on. There was a weight in the gym.
01:20:24 I didn't have a weight. I didn't have a scale at home,
01:20:26 but there was one of those slide-the-weights-way thing.
01:20:30 I was probably-- I think I remember. I got to 215,
01:20:34 so I was more than 20 pounds heavier than I am now, and it was pretty--
01:20:41 I was fairly swole. Unfortunately, I have a picture from back then,
01:20:46 but it was the poster for Macbeth.
01:20:48 I think I was 240, 230 in terms of benching, but, yeah, I've never been a big bench guy.
01:20:54 But shoulders, right? Shoulders and traps.
01:20:57 That's what was pretty easy for me.
01:21:01 All right. "Hey, no tips today?"
01:21:04 [mumbling]
01:21:06 [laughs]
01:21:08 Trying to tips my first time.
01:21:10 Wow, I didn't even notice that. Now, of course, I didn't actually ask for tips.
01:21:15 You did see my last beach photo. I didn't ask for tips, but I didn't even notice.
01:21:19 I mean, I'm wrangling in time. I've got new camera, people.
01:21:23 It's not cheap, but I'm wrangling trolls, and I'm giving you mortality release
01:21:29 from parental criticism and all kinds of stuff.
01:21:32 Yeah, I didn't notice. I was really lasered in on the conversation and all of that.
01:21:38 I tell you what. I tell you what.
01:21:40 Get some tips in, and I will give you the feed.
01:21:43 I'll give you the feed for the French Revolution.
01:21:47 I've got the feed going on.
01:21:51 And, yeah, Bitcoin's holding steady.
01:21:54 That's good. That's good. Great feed. Thank you.
01:21:57 Again, a few tips.
01:21:59 "When you were marketing director, what were some marketing tips
01:22:01 you successfully used when doing B2B marketing?"
01:22:04 All right.
01:22:07 "French Revolution is so good. Thanks, Michel. Everyone should listen."
01:22:11 Oh, it's even getting better from here.
01:22:13 So with B2B marketing, what you need to do is you need data.
01:22:17 It's all about the data.
01:22:19 I signed up for a bunch of data services that would tell me
01:22:22 all these details about companies.
01:22:24 Then what you do is you suck all of that data into a database,
01:22:28 and then you create mailouts which say, "Here's how much you spend.
01:22:32 Here's how much you're going to return."
01:22:33 One of the great things I did for two of the companies that I worked at
01:22:37 as marketing director--
01:22:38 Well, first I was director of technology, then I was a marketing director--
01:22:42 was because I knew the data and I knew how to do all of this sort of stuff,
01:22:45 so I hoovered in a bunch of data from third-party databases
01:22:48 that had all of this information about companies,
01:22:53 and then I would say, "Based upon this data,
01:22:56 here's how much you're going to spend on our software.
01:22:58 Here's the amortization based upon these case studies,"
01:23:00 and I created personalized packets programmatically
01:23:03 that were sent out to 2,000 companies, and sales went through the roof.
01:23:08 "I have the highest live tap chip here."
01:23:12 Thank you. Thank you.
01:23:15 Unlike a prostitute, I guess I'm okay with just the tip.
01:23:18 "Truth About Napoleon" is following the French Revolution,
01:23:21 and I think we are--
01:23:24 Oh, you donated via the website? Thank you very much.
01:23:26 We're then going to do--
01:23:27 I think we're going to work on the truth about the Spanish Civil War.
01:23:32 The truth about the Spanish Civil War.
01:23:34 That is a wild, wild thing.
01:23:39 Yes, Spanish Civil War, which--
01:23:41 And the reason I was reminded of that is it seems to be going on kind of now.
01:23:45 Kind of now at the moment.
01:23:47 "How is peaceful parenting treating you, Steph?"
01:23:51 You mean the book or me?
01:23:55 "I ended a five-year relationship this year.
01:23:56 I don't desire my ex, but living alone has been tough.
01:23:59 Any advice on this?"
01:24:02 Okay, that's very interesting.
01:24:05 History of parenting in Russia would have been a great topic as well.
01:24:09 "Two things I never regret spending money on, Bitcoin and Steph."
01:24:13 What, in that order? He said, "Petally."
01:24:15 I appreciate that. Thank you.
01:24:18 "Living alone has been tough."
01:24:19 So, for how long of-- just give me a number--
01:24:21 for how long of your five-year relationship were things bad?
01:24:25 Five-year relationship is rough.
01:24:32 "Truth About Sweden." I already did that.
01:24:34 There's no point.
01:24:36 "The last year of it wasn't good."
01:24:38 So, what you're missing is the illusion of a relationship.
01:24:42 And listen, missing illusions is one of the great traps of loneliness.
01:24:46 Missing illusions.
01:24:47 You ever been in this situation?
01:24:48 You miss the illusion of a relationship, and therefore you feel lonely?
01:24:52 Have you ever been there?
01:24:54 You ever been there?
01:24:56 Yeah.
01:24:58 That's horrible.
01:25:01 That's horrible.
01:25:02 It's haunting and it messes with sleep. Yeah, yeah.
01:25:06 Try not to miss illusions.
01:25:10 Missing illusions is a slander against reality.
01:25:15 You--
01:25:18 Well, okay, so five-year relationship, your body experiences that as a death.
01:25:23 You follow?
01:25:24 Because we're built for monogamy, particularly sort of Europeans or whatever, right?
01:25:28 We're kind of built for monogamy,
01:25:29 and so if you have a five-year relationship that ends, what does your body think?
01:25:32 She died.
01:25:35 It wasn't like a date.
01:25:36 It wasn't like a three-month relationship.
01:25:38 Anything over--I don't know, it's hard to say.
01:25:42 It depends on how bonding prone you are,
01:25:44 but anything particularly over a year, anything after that in general,
01:25:49 your body tends to think of it as, "She died," right?
01:25:54 Seven months to a year.
01:25:55 I was going to say six months, but--yeah.
01:25:58 So, because by six months, you've hit the real person.
01:26:01 Like first six months, a lot of times you don't hit the real person.
01:26:04 You don't get through to the real person.
01:26:06 And there's no right answer, of course, to this,
01:26:08 but at some point you have to treat it as a death.
01:26:11 Like a woman experiences a miscarriage as a death,
01:26:15 and may be wise to have a funeral and all that kind of stuff, right?
01:26:21 So, yeah, you've had a death,
01:26:25 and you're not missing a person.
01:26:28 You're missing an illusion,
01:26:30 the illusion that there was love, that it was sustainable,
01:26:33 the illusion that it was monogamous, till death do you part.
01:26:37 So you had that illusion.
01:26:40 Now, at what point--so last year was bad,
01:26:43 but at what point over the course of the relationship did it get bad?
01:26:48 Did it become--or angle down, right?
01:26:52 At what point did you hit--
01:26:53 where did you hit your peak in the relationship,
01:26:55 and after that it started to trend either flat-lined or went down?
01:27:00 What do you have?
01:27:03 After the third year.
01:27:05 So the first three years were trending up,
01:27:11 and then years four and five it began to trend down.
01:27:15 Do I have that right?
01:27:23 Right.
01:27:28 Now, yeah, I mean, what age was she when it began to trend down?
01:27:38 So what age was she when you were in year three,
01:27:43 at the end of year three?
01:27:47 27?
01:27:48 Right.
01:27:49 So you took five years of her fertility.
01:27:54 Oof, that's hard, man.
01:27:56 That's a hard thing for the conscience.
01:27:58 Why didn't you have kids?
01:28:00 Why didn't you get married?
01:28:02 We had talks of starting a family, but she wasn't willing to quit drinking.
01:28:15 Oh, man, come on.
01:28:18 Oh, man.
01:28:21 Are you saying that you had a great relationship
01:28:26 for three years with an alcoholic?
01:28:28 Is that what you're absolutely trying to tell me?
01:28:31 Oh, my God.
01:28:34 Oh, my God.
01:28:36 She's a problem drinker.
01:28:42 She's a problem drinker,
01:28:45 but you had a great relationship with her for three years.
01:28:50 Bullshit, man.
01:28:51 Sorry.
01:28:52 Like, just not true.
01:28:53 Not true.
01:28:55 People drink to avoid themselves until you can't even contact with them.
01:28:58 People who are problem drinkers are just avoiding themselves.
01:29:01 Now, if you want to do a call-in, I think that's great,
01:29:03 but you're not telling me the truth when you say it was great for three years.
01:29:08 Right?
01:29:09 Now, if you say it was great for the first three years,
01:29:16 despite the fact that you wouldn't commit to her
01:29:18 because she was an alcoholic or problem drinker,
01:29:21 then you are missing that illusion.
01:29:29 Right?
01:29:30 Yeah, Anthony, you might be in a place
01:29:39 where you just want to watch other people react
01:29:41 rather than react on your own.
01:29:47 So, she got better at a certain point,
01:29:50 and then she rebounded after she healed from a broken foot.
01:29:54 You mean she started drinking more after she healed from a broken foot?
01:30:08 Her drinking is a problem.
01:30:14 A problem drinker is just...
01:30:17 Not everyone who touches alcohol is a problem drinker.
01:30:20 I tried a cocktail last week.
01:30:24 It was actually quite nice.
01:30:25 It was my first cocktail in probably about two years,
01:30:27 but it's fine.
01:30:28 So, you weren't making any progress.
01:30:38 You weren't getting married.
01:30:40 Were you living together?
01:30:43 No, no, no, no, no.
01:30:45 Were you living together?
01:30:46 I assume so, right?
01:30:47 Yeah.
01:30:48 Okay, so you were playing house and you were wasting time,
01:30:50 like you were immortal.
01:30:52 You wouldn't commit.
01:30:53 You wouldn't break up.
01:30:54 And look, I've been there.
01:31:00 I'm not any kind of holier-than-thou thing.
01:31:02 I understand that.
01:31:03 But you were killing time, and you were just having sex
01:31:07 and watching Netflix and ordering pizza, and...
01:31:11 Yeah.
01:31:12 So, you just have to up your standards.
01:31:19 Like, hit me with a "why" if you think it's ever wise
01:31:25 to date somebody who's a problem drinker.
01:31:28 No.
01:31:33 That's an absolute deal-breaker.
01:31:35 She's a problem drinker.
01:31:38 What about a weed smoker?
01:31:41 What about a weed smoker?
01:31:43 Is it wise to date a weed smoker?
01:31:47 No.
01:31:48 Is it wise to date someone who's a food addict,
01:31:54 or a gambling addict, or a sex addict,
01:31:56 or an attention addict, or who lies about their past,
01:32:00 or who has a highly dysfunctional family that's still in her life?
01:32:04 Right?
01:32:06 We know all these standards.
01:32:09 So, what is your... what are you sad about?
01:32:12 I don't consider vaping to be that big a deal.
01:32:17 It's probably better to not and all of that, but...
01:32:19 I'll tell you what the biggest regret is in relationships.
01:32:31 Would you find this helpful just as we end up here?
01:32:36 Biggest regret people have when relationships end?
01:32:39 And you can tell me if I'm wrong, but I'm not.
01:32:44 Are you ready for the biggest...
01:32:47 the sentence that just burns itself into your brain?
01:32:51 No.
01:32:58 The biggest question that burns in people's brain at the end of a relationship is this.
01:33:03 Why were my standards so fucking low?
01:33:08 Why did I settle for that?
01:33:17 Why did I hold myself in such low account that I put up with that?
01:33:24 Why did I stoop to get into that?
01:33:32 Why did I hold the precious DNA gift of my ancestors in such low regard that I trashed around with that?
01:33:45 Why did I fold myself into such a petty, nothing, tiny, edible, origami bullshit nest for that?
01:34:03 Why did I not think I was worth more than that?
01:34:11 Why did I sell myself so cheap?
01:34:13 Why did I drop my value so low?
01:34:17 Am I wrong?
01:34:25 If I'm wrong, I'm happy to hear.
01:34:33 Why was I down there?
01:34:39 Why was I in the basement, the sewer, the trash heap of low expectations and dysfunctional, messed up people?
01:34:48 Why?
01:34:50 Why, when I can do this, did I do that?
01:34:57 That's the biggest regret.
01:35:08 Do you know what the second biggest regret is when getting out of a bad relationship?
01:35:12 Or the second most painful question that everyone avoids?
01:35:15 You avoid the first one, of course.
01:35:17 Do you know what the second most painful question is when you get out of a breakup?
01:35:23 Yeah, Hidden Dragon, breathe in fire.
01:35:35 Why did people help lower me down there?
01:35:45 And why did they let me sit at the bottom of that fucking well?
01:35:49 Month after month, year after year, sometimes decade after decade,
01:35:54 why were they totally fucking fine with me rotting down there?
01:36:00 Why did nobody say anything?
01:36:06 People were fine because I told them nothing? Nope.
01:36:13 False. That's you taking self-ownership for what other people have to see.
01:36:18 Why did I let people help me?
01:36:23 False. That's you taking self-ownership for what other people have to see.
01:36:29 Let me ask you this.
01:36:32 Can you do a single fucking thing in this life without people watching your back and you watching theirs?
01:36:38 Can you do a single fucking thing of quality in this life without people watching your back or you watching theirs?
01:36:44 No.
01:36:49 Then, in particular, because we're hypnotized by the tatas,
01:36:55 we need people to punch us in the nuts and pull us back from the quicksand brink of estrogen death.
01:37:03 Right?
01:37:06 People need to watch your back and you need to watch your friend's back.
01:37:14 Why did people let me sink into quicksand inch by inch for five fucking years
01:37:19 and never ever tell me I was sinking or reach to pull me out?
01:37:24 Why didn't anyone say to me, "Hey man, your girlfriend has a problem with alcohol.
01:37:29 It's not a good idea to date her because you're really only dating the addiction, not the person."
01:37:35 Why didn't anyone say that?
01:37:39 [silence]
01:37:47 This is not a shirted situation.
01:37:53 [sigh]
01:37:57 Why?
01:37:58 Why?
01:38:00 Why did they say nothing?
01:38:08 Why did they say nothing?
01:38:12 Hmm?
01:38:14 Come on babies, tell me, why did they say nothing?
01:38:20 Why?
01:38:27 Break it in the new camera, that's right baby.
01:38:30 Why?
01:38:32 They were intimidated by my traps.
01:38:35 Why?
01:38:36 Haven't even worked out this morning.
01:38:40 Why did they say nothing when you sunk into nothing?
01:38:46 You know.
01:38:52 You know.
01:38:55 [silence]
01:39:04 They want you to fail?
01:39:07 Ah.
01:39:12 I don't know that it's they wanted you to, I don't know that it's they want you to fail.
01:39:19 [silence]
01:39:28 It's not about you, that's the key.
01:39:31 It's not about you.
01:39:34 The reason they want you to lose is so they don't have to win themselves.
01:39:46 They don't have to take on the ownership of the responsibility of fixing, repairing, improving, or anything like that.
01:39:53 It's not about you.
01:39:59 They don't want you to fail, they just don't want to have any responsibility for succeeding themselves.
01:40:04 They don't want you to get taken apart by indifference, they just never want to achieve any virtue themselves.
01:40:11 You are a mechanism with which, you know what, you're the fucking tub they drown their conscience in.
01:40:21 That's it, that's all it is.
01:40:23 You're the tub they drown their conscience in.
01:40:27 Am I right?
01:40:30 Did my mom care that I wasn't happy in my relationship? Nope.
01:40:36 But if she had cared about me, she would have had to care about herself, and if she had cared about herself, she would have had to improve.
01:40:43 And if she wanted to improve, she'd have to stop blaming people.
01:40:47 Oh my god, god forbid you stand, I would rather be between Smaug and his fucking treasure than between failures and blame.
01:40:57 Failures and blame.
01:41:13 They project their victim status on you. I hear that, I hear that, but I don't think you even exist.
01:41:18 See, here's the thing.
01:41:20 Be very, very careful about mind projection.
01:41:26 I know this sounds odd. Mind projection.
01:41:28 Do you know how little other people are like you?
01:41:31 Do you have any clue how little the general population or other people, how little they are like you?
01:41:39 How incredibly different they are from you?
01:41:41 You have debates, you have thoughts, you have impulses, you have ideas, you have arguments, you have reactions.
01:41:51 Your brain is a cacophony of contradiction and support and challenge and growth and fear.
01:42:02 Your brain sounds like...
01:42:04 Do you know what most people's brains sound like?
01:42:07 I'm going to give you an imitation of what most people's brains sound like.
01:42:11 That's it.
01:42:18 They don't have their voices, they don't have their debates, they don't have the past coming up and challenging them,
01:42:24 they don't have self-doubt, they just have maybe some murky impulses, maybe some reactions,
01:42:29 no inner voices, no inner dialogue, no inner thought, no inner processing,
01:42:33 and no fear of contradiction and no sting of conscience with hypocrisy.
01:42:41 AOL dial-up noise.
01:42:44 You most likely are not like others.
01:42:59 It seems unbelievable to you. Yeah, I get it.
01:43:02 This is the best show in the world. How many people are here?
01:43:07 It's free, no ads, and traps.
01:43:12 Ask anyone any in-depth conversation.
01:43:16 Oh, how do you know what's true?
01:43:18 Oh, you claim to know what's good and bad. How do you know that?
01:43:22 Oh, you judge people. By what standard?
01:43:26 Oh, people are deficient. According to what rule?
01:43:30 Why do they do that?
01:43:34 I went to go and see Five Nights at Freddy's. You knew I was going to say that next, right?
01:43:48 I went to go see Five Nights at Freddy's.
01:43:52 I will tell you the philosophy of Five Nights at Freddy's.
01:43:58 Spoilers abound. Five Nights at Freddy's is a very deep movie.
01:44:02 It's a very deep movie.
01:44:06 In Five Nights at Freddy's, a child torturer
01:44:10 puts children into giant robots.
01:44:13 The giant robots then attack other children until
01:44:19 a child points out that the real enemy is the child torturer.
01:44:24 And then they turn on the child torturer, gain peace, and leave the children alone forever.
01:44:30 So, the children are traumatized by a child abuser.
01:44:33 The children attack other children, thinking that they're fixing them, or healing them, or curing them.
01:44:38 But then, the moment somebody points out that it's the child abuser who harmed them,
01:44:41 they turn on the child abuser and leave everyone else alone.
01:44:44 In other words, abuse turns people into NPCs.
01:44:48 But the moment you get people to actually get angry at the right person,
01:44:52 they're liberated from being a robot.
01:44:56 Is it graphic or gory? No, it's not that bad.
01:45:05 I didn't understand the female cop's role.
01:45:09 Yeah, well, the female cop's role is beautiful, man.
01:45:12 So, in the movie, there's this female cop, and she's fantastic,
01:45:16 'cause she's a female cop, and she's supposed to be protecting the neighborhood,
01:45:18 and defending the neighborhood, and dealing with bad guys, and catching robbers.
01:45:22 And she basically just hangs around with this guy, building forts in this abandoned
01:45:26 Chuck E. Cheese-type place all night, and just having fun.
01:45:30 And... [laughs]
01:45:32 "There there's your cop!"
01:45:34 "Hey, let's build a fort!"
01:45:36 "Sounds great! I've got all night! I don't need to deal with any bad guys!"
01:45:40 I was like, "What, did they just clean up San Francisco 'cause the Premier of China's coming to visit?"
01:45:46 'Cause they could do it anytime.
01:45:48 "You watched a movie called 'Cocaine Bear'?"
01:45:54 "Don't recommend it!"
01:45:56 "Really? Is it a bear who gets into cocaine?"
01:45:58 "Yeah."
01:46:00 Maybe you wanna up your standards just a little bit here.
01:46:04 Oh my gosh.
01:46:07 "Did she have cognitive dissonance or what?"
01:46:10 No, no, she didn't ever say, "Oh no, I gotta get back to--
01:46:13 I can't hang out with you and the kid, I got crime to solve!"
01:46:16 No, it's like, "Hey, a fort, that sounds fun!"
01:46:18 [laughs]
01:46:20 Can you imagine?
01:46:22 Imagine Gary Cooper in 'High Noon' and he's like,
01:46:25 "Oh, these four bad guys are coming to town, man, but hey, there's a kid over there building a treehouse!
01:46:31 I'm gonna go build the treehouse, that sounds fun!"
01:46:33 "The stupidest movie I ever watched was 'Sharkonado'."
01:46:40 "The stupidest movie I ever watched was 'How a Bill Becomes a Law'."
01:46:43 "There's no money involved at all!"
01:46:45 Yeah, she was powerless to the dad, yeah.
01:46:48 So, she became a cop to deal with evil, but she couldn't deal with the evil in her family.
01:46:56 So, yeah, the biggest problem with the breakup, you're not breaking up with the person, right?
01:47:05 Just understand that.
01:47:07 You're not breaking up with the person, you're breaking up with your fucked-up delusions.
01:47:11 "You look so smooth and yellow."
01:47:14 "That's right."
01:47:15 "They call me the bald banana."
01:47:17 "Jarrod." Sorry, not Jarrod.
01:47:21 "Jarrod" can confirm.
01:47:22 So, you're not breaking up with the person, you're breaking up with your delusions.
01:47:26 And it's not a relationship that ends, it's all the shitty relationships in your life that could end,
01:47:31 if you want, if you want, if you want all.
01:47:36 The shitty relations—
01:47:37 Like, if you want, you can get all the shitty relationships out of your life with one breakup.
01:47:40 One breakup.
01:47:41 But you've got to say, "Why did I lower my standards so much, and why did everyone let me and encourage me?"
01:47:46 Now, if you get that, and you break up with all the shittiness,
01:47:57 you break up with all the dysfunction, all the mess, all the shittiness,
01:48:00 then it's not a breakup, it's a liberation to something way better.
01:48:05 But you, when you have a breakup, particularly a five-year relationship breakup,
01:48:09 there's a part of you that's like, "How the fuck could things go so wrong?
01:48:12 How could things go so wrong?
01:48:14 How could things go so wrong? How did that happen?"
01:48:20 Well, you start unpacking that, man, you're building a ladder to the future that's wildly fantastic,
01:48:27 and way better, infinitely better, than where you came from.
01:48:31 But nobody wants you to ask those questions.
01:48:34 Right?
01:48:35 Because what they'll do is they'll say, you say to, I don't know, let's say you say to your brother,
01:48:41 you say to your brother, "How could you let me...
01:48:43 Hey, man, you made your choice, you loved her, you cared about her, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
01:48:49 So people are like, "Hey, you made your choices, I was there to support your choices.
01:48:57 If you'd come to me and asked, but you... hands off, right?"
01:49:02 All right, hands off.
01:49:04 "Hey, man, I'm not going to give you any feedback, I'm not going to watch your back,
01:49:07 I'm not going to give you any moral guidance, I'm not going to correct you when you're wrong."
01:49:10 "Okay, so...
01:49:11 you're more indifferent to me than a stranger on the subway who will at least move if I walk through.
01:49:18 Like, you're more indifferent to me than a stranger on the subway."
01:49:21 "Okay, fine. You don't watch my back, you don't care for me, you don't give me feedback,
01:49:26 you don't catch me in my blind spots and point me in the right direction."
01:49:29 "Fine, okay, then there's no relationship."
01:49:32 So you want the benefits of being a brother, but you want to treat me worse than a stranger.
01:49:42 You're going to have to pick one.
01:49:43 If you treat me worse than a stranger, you don't get the benefits of brother.
01:49:47 And if you want the benefits of brother, you have to treat me better than a stranger would.
01:49:52 My brother spares doubt at anyone who tried to tell him that his girlfriend was crazy.
01:49:58 Right.
01:49:59 Right.
01:50:01 It wasn't your brother sparing doubt, it was your mother.
01:50:03 Your brother was simply following your mother's commandments,
01:50:07 "Thou shalt not have sane women in the vicinity."
01:50:09 Because if you have sane women in the vicinity, I lose power over my children.
01:50:13 I mean, so many people think they're making the decisions when they're just following the train tracks of trauma.
01:50:21 What about the Captain Saverhoe males?
01:50:24 I can change him, I'm just going to change him.
01:50:26 What about the females?
01:50:27 I can change him, I'm different.
01:50:28 Females.
01:50:29 That's back to empathy and hope.
01:50:32 Right.
01:50:33 They have hope.
01:50:34 And they don't have hope, all they have is hormones, but they can't say, "I only have hormones,"
01:50:40 so they have to pretend that they're virtuous and good and can save someone.
01:50:43 Anyway, I hope that helps, and if you would like to call in the...
01:50:51 Changing your partner is very arrogant.
01:50:53 It's impossible.
01:50:55 You accept people for who they are.
01:50:56 See, when you want to change someone, that's an absolute confession that you're lowering your standards.
01:51:04 Do you follow?
01:51:05 The moment you feel the impulse to change someone,
01:51:07 the moment you have the impulse to change someone,
01:51:11 you're absolutely saying that you're lowering your standards.
01:51:14 "Well, I'll dip down, man, but..."
01:51:16 It's like you'll buy a stock as long as it's going to go up.
01:51:19 You don't want to buy the stock at the current price if it's going to stay there, if it goes up.
01:51:23 [silence]
01:51:27 "Reminds me when my ex's narcissistic mother called me cold when I didn't play into her emotional games,
01:51:31 learned that it was a family I didn't want to be a part of."
01:51:33 Yes, that's right.
01:51:34 Yes, that's right.
01:51:36 Yeah, yeah.
01:51:37 Wanting to change partners is like buying the dip, but it never goes up, it just keeps going down.
01:51:41 "Steph, this conundrum bothers me so much.
01:51:43 We're separated from family and have kids, my brother's in mesh and the family has no kids.
01:51:47 How did... how did my parents win?"
01:51:49 [silence]
01:51:56 So, there's two answers to that.
01:51:58 One is incentives and the other is free will.
01:52:00 Now, free will is just the magic sauce.
01:52:02 Why did I... I mean, I've ended up completely different from anyone in my family of origin.
01:52:06 How is that the case?
01:52:07 Well, when I first found philosophy, I got very excited by it, began to pursue it.
01:52:12 When I first learned about psychology and self-knowledge and therapy,
01:52:14 I was very excited about it, very much wanted to do it.
01:52:17 Other people didn't have that reaction, so they just reacted negatively to what I reacted positively to.
01:52:22 Therefore, I went and pursued it and they didn't, and blah, blah, blah.
01:52:25 So, there's just... everybody's exposed to philosophy at some time or another in their life.
01:52:29 Some of us respond positively, some of us respond with rage and hatred and aggression and so on.
01:52:33 Right now, there's been times where philosophy has been a real drag, don't get me wrong,
01:52:36 but, you know, you hang in there and you do it, right?
01:52:40 So, there's a free will aspect and there's an environmental aspect.
01:52:50 Your brother may not have found something worth separating from messed up people for, someone or something.
01:52:59 Did you find someone that was worth making the leap for?
01:53:04 Did you find someone who was worth making the leap for?
01:53:12 Your son.
01:53:15 Okay, so you found someone worth making the leap for.
01:53:18 And women have a shorter time horizon because of fertility,
01:53:23 so they tend to get a little bit more impatient in their 30s.
01:53:26 Men can sail right into their 40s and whatever it is,
01:53:29 particularly if you're not losing any hair or whatever it is, so you just, you know, go on, right?
01:53:37 So, number one is, maybe he'll find the right person, but it's unlikely,
01:53:42 because the longer he sits around your family, the more he gets grooved in that kind of way.
01:53:46 And then the less likely someone who's going to be quality enough for him to jump ship is going to be around him at all.
01:53:52 But you can't answer the question, why are some people saved and some people not saved?
01:53:58 No, you cannot answer the question. Do you know why you can't answer the question?
01:54:01 It's impossible to answer the question, and it's a fool's quest to try and answer the question.
01:54:05 Do you know why?
01:54:09 Because any answer to the question as to why some people are saved and some people are not,
01:54:15 any answer to that question destroys free will and therefore philosophy and virtue.
01:54:20 You follow?
01:54:23 The moment you say, "Well, my brother is the way he is, my sister is the way he is,
01:54:27 because, because, because," no free will. Boom, done, you're done. There's no free will anymore.
01:54:33 "My mother is the way she is because she was brought up in the war."
01:54:35 No, because lots of people brought up in the war didn't end up like my mother.
01:54:38 "My mother is the way that she was because she was very beautiful,
01:54:40 therefore it was easier for her to manipulate men and not take responsibility."
01:54:43 No. No.
01:54:47 "My mother is the way that she is because," free will.
01:54:53 Because of her choices. Because of her choices.
01:54:57 That's all. That's all. That's responsibility.
01:55:02 Don't give people the excuse of history. Don't give people the excuse of history.
01:55:06 Don't give people the excuse of history.
01:55:09 They chose. Now, if they have a brain tumor, they've got a railway spike to their forehead, whatever it is,
01:55:17 history does not dominate the future. History does not dictate the future.
01:55:23 There's free will. We have choice.
01:55:27 "It just feels so tragic. His enthusiasm was broken down as a child by a father,
01:55:30 and I think he just decided not to ever recover it."
01:55:35 Oh, Michelle, be very careful about singing the sad song of elegy over people who are in a position to manipulate you.
01:55:46 No. No. Because...
01:55:50 I thought we were going to end the show, but it's too important. We'll stay. We'll stay.
01:55:57 "His enthusiasm was broken down as a child by our father."
01:56:00 Ah, well, but what about your father? Your father?
01:56:02 "His enthusiasm was broken down by his father, and it goes all the way back to the primordial fucking soup."
01:56:07 No. No. No. I'm sad.
01:56:10 Are you sad for your father because your father's enthusiasm was broken down?
01:56:14 Do you have sadness and pity for your father, or is that how it works?
01:56:18 Is that how it works?
01:56:21 Everybody gets, "Oh, so you're mad at your father, but you have sympathy for your brother."
01:56:25 Well, your father had his broken blah, blah, blah, right?
01:56:35 The person you're most angry at for not taking responsibility
01:56:39 is the exact level of anger you should have for everyone who's not taking responsibility.
01:56:45 "My brother doesn't have kids to victimize."
01:56:49 Ah, so it's the kid's fault that your father was aggressive.
01:56:53 It's his kid's fault. It's the fault of having kids.
01:56:57 It's because the kids were there that your father was aggressive.
01:57:03 Is that right?
01:57:05 So kids are what takes away your father's responsibility to be a good person.
01:57:13 Like, kids are just this irresistible temptation that just summons evil in people
01:57:18 like some demonic possession they can't control.
01:57:22 "Well, I have kids. Oh, I have a kid. Am I bullying anyone?"
01:57:29 Nope.
01:57:31 "So, Michelle, my good friend, massive respect."
01:57:39 No dominoes.
01:57:42 Well, the father has more responsibility to recover his enthusiasm.
01:57:47 You're trying to think the unthinkable.
01:57:49 You're trying to think what will never occur, what will never be understood,
01:57:52 what will never be explained.
01:57:54 You will never know these answers.
01:57:56 A) free will, and B) you'll never be told the truth.
01:58:02 You'll never be told the truth.
01:58:05 Don't think about things that can't be answered.
01:58:08 I mean, I assume you don't sit there and say, "Gosh, how many atoms of O2 are in the room at the moment?"
01:58:19 "How many cells did I kill when I scratched the tip of my nose?"
01:58:22 These are questions without answers.
01:58:25 Again, one of the great strictness of philosophy is stop trying to answer things that can't be answered.
01:58:30 That's boundaries. Boundaries.
01:58:34 Where things are impossible, you stop.
01:58:36 That was Gerard earlier. I couldn't get through to him.
01:58:38 I couldn't get honesty out of him. I couldn't manage the conversation.
01:58:40 I couldn't control the live stream that way.
01:58:43 It became impossible.
01:58:45 So boundaries are between you and what's impossible.
01:58:48 It is impossible to get answers as to why people fuck up.
01:58:54 Free will, and they'll lie to you anyway.
01:59:00 They'll lie to you anyway.
01:59:02 Was it possible for me with Gerard to get to the truth and root of why he behaves the way he behaves?
01:59:07 Was it possible for me to do that, having conversed with him off and on for months?
01:59:13 It was impossible. It was impossible.
01:59:15 So what did I do? Boundaries are where things are no longer possible.
01:59:19 Like triage. Can't save this person. Move on.
01:59:22 So we think boundaries are always just about, you know, I don't know, intrusive people.
01:59:28 No, no, no. Boundaries are around intrusive thoughts.
01:59:30 Why is my mother the way she is? Why is my family member the way?
01:59:33 Why this? Why? Why? No!
01:59:35 Can't be answered. Won't be answered.
01:59:37 Impossible knowledge.
01:59:40 Impossible knowledge.
01:59:45 How much time should I give him though? He's the same age I was when I started therapy.
01:59:54 Michelle?
01:59:57 How much time should I give him though?
02:00:02 What did I just say about unanswerable questions?
02:00:05 What is the objective, rational, philosophical, empirical answer to that question?
02:00:13 These questions that can't be answered are just a form of paralysis.
02:00:24 But I will tell you this.
02:00:28 If you don't hold him responsible for what he's doing, there's no point trying to help him.
02:00:37 If you don't hold your brother responsible for what he's doing,
02:00:42 there's no point trying to help him.
02:00:45 If you give him excuses called history, if you give him excuses called "father crushed your dreams",
02:00:50 "you don't have kids", if you give him those excuses, every excuse is a noose.
02:00:56 Excuse, noose. They rhyme.
02:00:59 Every excuse is a noose.
02:01:03 Give people 100% responsibility for their own choices and behaviors.
02:01:07 100%. I mean, once they're adults, right?
02:01:10 "Oh, but he had it hard as a kid." I don't care.
02:01:14 Because if you give him an excuse, what will he do?
02:01:18 You give him an excuse. "Well, there's a reason why you are the way you are, and it can't be changed."
02:01:22 Can you change your childhood? You cannot.
02:01:24 I can't change one thing about my childhood.
02:01:26 You give people an excuse, you're drugging them! You're a dealer!
02:01:30 You're not a helper, you're a drug dealer!
02:01:33 You're a remover of empowerment, of choice, of self-ownership.
02:01:39 You are a drugger.
02:01:43 And you're drugging your own anxiety by paralyzing your brother.
02:01:50 Your brother complains, you choose to be there.
02:01:54 "I don't want to hear your complaints."
02:01:57 "I don't want to hear your complaints." You choose to be there.
02:01:59 What's more empowering? What's going to get him to change?
02:02:02 Are you giving him excuses or responsibility?
02:02:11 "Hey, you're there to help if he wants to change, but I'm not listening to any excuses."
02:02:17 "I'm not listening to any excuses."
02:02:19 What did good friend Gerard give earlier in this livestream?
02:02:23 Just excuses. "Well, we're all drawn to beauty, and men care about sex, and all adults talk about is sex."
02:02:28 These are excuses.
02:02:33 "Michelle, as a woman, you have my absolute deep and full respect for your empathy."
02:02:39 Absolute deep and full respect for your empathy.
02:02:42 Do you know who your empathy is designed for?
02:02:44 Is it designed for your brother?
02:02:46 Why did you evolve this beautiful empathy, this massive caring, to help people, to improve people?
02:02:55 What is it designed for?
02:02:58 Babies. That's right. It's designed for your babies, because you have influence, power, control,
02:03:03 and definition of your babies.
02:03:14 Don't take that which is designed for infants and toddlers and little children and apply it to adults.
02:03:22 Children have excuses. Absolutely.
02:03:25 Children don't have free will much. Absolutely.
02:03:28 Children are not responsible for their environment. Absolutely.
02:03:33 Don't treat adults like children, or you are wrecking them deep down.
02:03:51 "You want to give your brother an excuse. Why?"
02:03:58 It is hard to switch it off. Absolutely. Absolutely.
02:04:01 This is with great sympathy and also great respect for the caring that you're showing.
02:04:05 Why do you want to give your brother excuses?
02:04:15 "When I had a baby, I instantly lost all interest in politics."
02:04:19 Right. Why do you want to give your brother excuses?
02:04:32 Why do you want to give your brother excuses?
02:04:34 I know why. But it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt.
02:04:45 No, it's your parents who want you to feed him excuses so that he stays with them.
02:04:50 Your parents are using you as the mule to deliver the drugs to your brother so he stays with them.
02:05:00 You fence in your brother with your parents based upon their preferences and requests.
02:05:10 You're serving their needs by roping them in to stay with them by delivering him the excuses that strip him of self-ownership.
02:05:21 You are delivering enslavement through your parents to your brother.
02:05:27 And again, with no ill intent and with the best of intentions, but to me, that's the mechanic.
02:05:34 I could be wrong, and if it doesn't feel right or it doesn't hit you in the truth bullseye, let me know.
02:05:48 Anthony, please try not to fight with other people while we're having an important conversation.
02:05:52 Try and focus on the person who's trying to learn something. It's not about you.
02:05:57 If you want to make it about you, run your own show.
02:06:00 Michelle, does this make any sense? And again, I say this with great sympathy and affection and respect.
02:06:10 I mean, you've had sympathy. You've had sympathy for your brother for as long as you've had therapy or adulthood or whatever it is, right?
02:06:21 If you've had sympathy for your brother for years and years and years, and you've also given him excuses to some degree for years and years and years, it hasn't worked.
02:06:34 Now, you say you haven't spoken to your brother in over a year, but you've made it clear that you're available to talk when he wants to, all right?
02:06:40 But it's not your outer brother I'm concerned about. It's your inner brother and the principle thereto.
02:06:48 Your inner brother you have spoken to continually over the many years you've known him, right?
02:06:58 You think about him, you're concerned about him, you worry about him, and you try to puzzle out why his life is the way it is, right?
02:07:04 And again, that's great caring, and it's a beautiful thing in many ways.
02:07:14 Yes, my inner brother is a mess who I have a bleeding heart for, yes.
02:07:22 I did a show recently, I answered a question about my brother's keeper.
02:07:35 A friend of mine had someone in his family, she had a job very briefly when she was younger and then just spent decade after decade on welfare.
02:07:44 And then when an elderly relative died, she inherited a fair amount of money, blew it all on useless mail order crap that just stuck up in her rent-controlled apartment.
02:07:55 And then she died, nobody noticed for quite some time, eventually the smell tipped people off.
02:08:00 Nobody found any use for all the junk she'd burned up her relative's inheritance buying, and it was all just thrown out and then she was just buried.
02:08:08 Why did she live such a useless life? Why did she? Why? Why? Why? Why? Will these questions ever be answered?
02:08:22 The answer is the empiricism of their lives.
02:08:27 The why doesn't matter. The did. Why did she do this? The why doesn't matter, the did is all that matters because we're empiricists.
02:08:35 And we can't make up answers for people and we can't be in hot pursuit of knowledge that would undo us.
02:08:41 Listen, Michelle, you want to have pride at having gotten out of a bad family situation and being a good parent.
02:08:47 You want to have pride in that, which means it's your will, your choice.
02:08:52 They're trying to lure you back into a place where the bad things you're not responsible for.
02:08:58 Your parents modeled, "Well, you kids are driving us crazy and you had this even with your brother."
02:09:03 "Oh, my brother was the one who in a way drove my dad bad and all of that."
02:09:09 So they kind of lure you back into this place of no responsibility.
02:09:12 No, my mother was 100% responsible for what she did.
02:09:16 Everyone in my family, everyone, friends, all 100% responsible for what they did.
02:09:21 Why did that? People say to me, "Why didn't people support you more when you were deplatformed?"
02:09:26 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And why would I try and figure that out? Why?
02:09:34 Because that would be to say that there's some reason why people do things. No, they made a choice.
02:09:39 They went for whatever they preferred rather than supporting me.
02:09:44 Why? There's no why. That's free will. That's personal responsibility. That's choice.
02:09:51 And let's say that for some reason I found myself obsessed and wanted to get a question from a person ABC or whatever
02:09:58 who was close to me or cared and then totally abandoned.
02:10:01 So let's say I found that person and asked them why. Would I expect them to tell me the truth? No.
02:10:09 I wish I could block the intrusive why thoughts myself. No, I get it. But that's boundaries, man.
02:10:14 That's a little bit of it. It's just self-discipline. Can I answer this question?
02:10:18 And if I were able to answer this question, what would it mean?
02:10:21 If you could answer why someone did something, you would destroy free will, moral responsibility,
02:10:27 philosophy, virtue, love, integrity. All of it would be gone.
02:10:31 What is the cost of why do people do things? Everything. Everything.
02:10:40 You can't have pride. You can't be loved. You can't be happy.
02:10:46 It's a fucking luring you to a hole with no bottom. It is nihilism.
02:10:54 The why do people do things is just total fucking nihilism. There's nothing in there.
02:11:02 It's just trying to draw you away from happiness and pride and virtue and self-ownership.
02:11:09 But why? Why splits you in two. There is no explanation.
02:11:25 Ah, yes, but Steph, people who are abused tend to be more abusive.
02:11:31 No. But somebody who was beaten is more likely to beat their children.
02:11:36 Yes. Do you know why? Because. Because. They use the being beaten as an excuse.
02:11:42 Why do they beat their kids more if they've been beaten?
02:11:44 Because they say, "Well, my parents beat me because they had bad childhoods."
02:11:48 Well, I had a bad childhood, therefore you've just given yourself permission to beat your kids.
02:11:53 Done. Done. Nothing more complicated.
02:11:59 Reasons are excuses are abuses are nooses. There's no why. There's no why.
02:12:12 There's a mysterious alchemy of choice, which we will never hear the truth about from bad people.
02:12:17 Because we generally say, "Why do people do bad things?"
02:12:19 Well, if people do bad things, they'll lie to you.
02:12:26 I was beaten as a kid. I would never hurt a kid like I was back in the day.
02:12:33 And I would assume, Sam, that's because, and I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, of course,
02:12:37 but I assume that's because you don't give excuses to your parents for beating you.
02:12:50 I'm getting confused. Recently on a stream, you said that you should not judge people for what they do
02:12:54 without asking why, because that's a lack of curiosity. Yeah. Of course you can ask why.
02:13:01 Of course you can ask why, and they might, I mean, I say, "Well, why do you think you do this?"
02:13:05 or "What's your motivation?" or "What's your child?" I'm looking for causality, absolutely. For sure.
02:13:11 For sure. But have you ever seen me give someone a moral excuse?
02:13:17 If somebody's beaten their child, have I ever said, "Well, you were beaten as a child, so you're not responsible."
02:13:21 No. So you can ask. I asked Gerald today, "Well, why do you think you're doing this?"
02:13:26 or "Why do you think you didn't listen?" Can you repeat back to me what I said?
02:13:29 I'm asking these questions for sure.
02:13:39 You can ask people what they think their motivations are for sure. Yeah.
02:13:49 But you don't give them excuses based upon that causality.
02:14:01 Would you forgive your mother if she asked for it and meant it?
02:14:05 Well, Sam, you don't need to ask me that question, because you're a person who thinks,
02:14:09 and I assume you've listened to this show for a while. What would be required to forgive my mother?
02:14:21 Yeah, that's right, Manuel. Restitution.
02:14:27 Apologies, restitution, and a clear methodology by which it's not going to happen again.
02:14:33 Right? Apologies, restitution, and a clear methodology by which it's not going to happen again.
02:14:37 You've heard those things, right? All right.
02:14:42 Also, just by the by, it's probably better if it—no, she doesn't email me.
02:14:48 It's probably better in general if you don't wait until you're dying, right?
02:14:53 Because if you wait to apologize to someone until you're dying, what are they going to think?
02:14:58 Just out of curiosity, what are they going to think is your motivation for apologizing to them when you're dying?
02:15:09 "Oh, conscience, I've got to clean things up. I'm afraid of going to hell. I, you know, whatever."
02:15:14 It's still about them, right? It's still about them.
02:15:18 And also, they might want resources. They might not know that they're dying.
02:15:22 They might just think that they're sick, in which case they're not going to apologize to you so you can take care of them.
02:15:26 But you also, in general, don't want highly suspicious things, right?
02:15:32 You don't want highly suspicious circumstances as to why somebody might be apologizing to you.
02:15:37 Does that make sense?
02:15:39 "At 63, my mother did those things and meant it."
02:15:43 Oh, wow. So she gave you restitution for your childhood?
02:15:51 "Oh, Sam, you please call in at freedomain.com. I can't imagine what restitution is for an abusive childhood, but I'm absolutely thrilled to hear it."
02:16:02 Yeah, yeah, call in at... Oh, she asked for forgiveness. Okay, yeah, well...
02:16:08 So if they're not providing restitution or clear ways through therapy or something that it's not going to happen again, then it's still just all about them.
02:16:14 "I want to be forgiven. I'll feel better if I'm forgiven. I want you to forgive me. It's still selfish. It's bullshit."
02:16:20 "If you can apologize now in your deathbed, why didn't you do it years ago when it would have mattered?"
02:16:24 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amen to that. Amen to that.
02:16:27 "Wow, what a long show we had today. Any last tips?"
02:16:31 Come on, man. Working like a coolie down here in the bowels and the depths.
02:16:36 "Tell me I have not provided maximum value."
02:16:42 Thank you, Michelle. And again, do you want to call? I've been...
02:16:46 I know a little bit about brother stuff. So yes, thank you, everyone, for dropping by,
02:16:51 and thank you for your time and attention and care in these great conversations.
02:16:55 I really, really do appreciate it. My gosh, do things get better when we get together?
02:17:02 It is the best show in the world. I completely agree. And there'll never be a better one,
02:17:06 because whatever comes in the future, we'll have this as a template.
02:17:10 So yeah, this will not only be the best show in the world, it's the best show that will ever be.
02:17:13 And thank you very much for your tips and support.
02:17:16 If you're listening to this later, of course, freedomain.com/donate.
02:17:19 Obviously, the show quality has improved with the video quality,
02:17:23 even though I can't wait to watch the part I missed.
02:17:26 I hope that you will have yourselves a wonderful, wonderful evening.
02:17:30 If you're listening to this later, freedomain.com/donate.
02:17:32 Oh, my gosh. Wait, wait. Let me not forget. Let me not forget.
02:17:39 Here is your feed for the French revolution, the revolution of frogginess.
02:17:45 Frogs on a spit, slowly roasting. Christe Renouille.
02:17:49 So there you go. And I hope that you will check it out. It's really, really great stuff.
02:17:54 I think we're cooking at six, six hours or so, and we're probably going to be 12 by the time we're done.
02:17:58 But I hope that you will check that out. It's really some great stuff.
02:18:02 And we're getting back to childhood and its effects on the biggest world there is of politics.
02:18:08 So, yes, have yourselves a wonderful evening. freedomain.com/donate.
02:18:12 Lots of love from up here. Take care. Talk to you soon. Bye.