3 Added Minutes' Fantasy Five-A-Side takes an unusual turns as Jason and Matthew debate which Premier League mascots would be best at football. Would Fred the Red get the better of Moonchester? And would Gunnersaurus be any good up front?
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00:00 I don't really want to have to bury a seven foot bee
00:05 after we've played one game of Five of Sighs.
00:07 So on the basis of the fact that I don't want to be left
00:10 with a massive yellow and black corpse on my hand,
00:13 I think we've got to go with Hammerhead.
00:15 (whistle blows)
00:17 - Hello, I'm Matthew Gregory,
00:23 and welcome to another episode
00:25 of Three Added Minutes of Fantasy Five of Sighs,
00:27 a program in which we put together
00:28 the best possible five man team
00:30 based on some extremely specific requirements.
00:33 This week, we're doing something a little bit different,
00:35 and we're building a five man squad
00:37 made up of Premier League mascots.
00:39 And to help me out with this slightly impossible task,
00:41 I'm joined, as always, by Jason Jones.
00:43 - Yeah, so here's how it works.
00:44 We take it in turns to suggest a mascot
00:46 who we reckon would do a job on our team,
00:48 argue over each place in the squad,
00:50 and eventually end up with the starting lineup
00:51 we like the look of.
00:52 First up, we need a goalkeeper, Matt,
00:54 and I think I'm gonna go for Sheffield United's
00:58 very own Captain Blade.
01:00 Now, I don't know if you've seen Captain Blade before.
01:04 He's a big ginger pirate, basically.
01:06 If you've seen "Dodgeball," you know Captain Steve,
01:08 imagine him, but like a little bit more like Chesney
01:11 from "Corey" thrown in there as well.
01:13 My thinking with this, right,
01:14 is that your goalkeeper is your guardian, isn't he?
01:18 He's your last line of defense.
01:20 The portcullis of a side.
01:22 And who better to be sort of holding things down at the back
01:27 than a man with a sword, basically?
01:29 You know, there's nothing.
01:31 I would argue the only thing scarier
01:32 than a man with a sword is a man with a gun,
01:34 and none of the Premier League mascots have a gun,
01:36 so for that reason, I'm tempted to go with Captain Blade.
01:40 I don't know anything about his coordination.
01:44 I assume that, you know, he has both of his legs,
01:49 and one of them isn't a wooden little peg,
01:51 but even then, you know, I don't think that would affect
01:54 his goalkeeping ability too much.
01:55 I just, personally, personally,
01:58 if I'm running through on goal
02:00 and I see an eight-foot ginger pirate bearing down on me,
02:04 wielding a sword, it's going wide, it's going over,
02:06 but it's certainly not going in the back of the net.
02:08 I don't know what you think about that, Matt.
02:09 - Yeah, look, personally, I'm not too worried
02:11 about the situation with his legs.
02:12 If he has got a wooden leg, you know, if he's missing a leg,
02:15 the science of prosthetics has come a very long way.
02:17 You can do remarkable things these days, you know,
02:21 so I'm not too concerned about that.
02:22 I am worried about his depth perception.
02:24 He does have an eye patch.
02:26 Now, I, you know, I'm not too well up
02:28 on sort of ocular issues,
02:30 but I'm going to say depth perception's pretty important
02:32 for a goalkeeper when you're, you know,
02:33 trying to claim those high crosses.
02:35 So that could be a bit of a problem.
02:38 On that basis, I'm going to suggest someone
02:40 who's probably a little bit handier at crosses,
02:42 which is Liverpool's Mighty Red.
02:44 Now, for anyone who hasn't seen Mighty Red,
02:46 he's basically a giant red cartoon bird.
02:49 I assume he's meant to be a liver bird,
02:51 which I'm pretty sure were fictional birds,
02:53 so they've got to play sort of pretty fast and loose
02:55 with how birds work.
02:57 So this is possibly the only bird in existence
02:59 which has hands.
03:00 So that's obviously a pretty big advantage
03:02 for goalkeepers, having hands.
03:04 He does sort of have weird wings
03:05 that kind of hang down off the bottom of his arms,
03:08 a bit like sort of like the costume of a '90s wrestler.
03:11 So, you know, I'm not quite sure how,
03:14 sort of how good he is in that regard,
03:16 but presumably he can sort of flap up a little bit,
03:19 which is going to make him pretty handy at high balls.
03:23 And yeah, he's also got a tail, the tail for balance.
03:25 That sort of, you know, evolution teaches us
03:27 that tails are good for balance,
03:28 probably good for battering defenders out the way
03:30 in a crowded six yard box as well.
03:32 And yeah, look, I know the high ball
03:35 is not a major part of the five-a-side game,
03:37 but anything off the ground, you can't,
03:40 it doesn't matter if you've got a sword,
03:41 you're not going to be able to beat a literal bird
03:43 to an aerial ball.
03:45 So, you know, how are we possibly arguing
03:48 that a bird is not the best choice for a goalkeeper?
03:50 And you know, if it's like going in the top corner,
03:52 he can probably sort of flap his little wings a little bit
03:54 and they're a bit vestigial,
03:56 but they probably do something,
03:57 get up there and bore it away.
03:58 Hands and wings seems like the perfect combination
04:01 for a goalie.
04:01 - I'm going to give you Mighty Red,
04:03 not because he's got wings, but he's got a massive head.
04:07 And I think just on a pure like area coverage basis,
04:12 I think that he's probably quite effective.
04:14 So yeah, okay, okay, I'll give you that.
04:16 I'll go with the bird over the pirate,
04:17 let's have Mighty Red in there.
04:19 (whistle blows)
04:19 (upbeat music)
04:22 - Okay, so next up, defensive enforcer,
04:29 I've gone with West Ham's Hammerhead.
04:32 He's got a hammer for a head, man.
04:36 What more do you need to know?
04:37 Do you know what I mean?
04:38 He's sort of somewhere between like a screw fix advert
04:42 and the Terminator.
04:43 This boy is hard.
04:44 I was going to say hard as nails,
04:45 there's no pun intended there,
04:47 but he's literally...
04:48 (laughing)
04:49 - Literally hard as the nails, otherwise you can't...
04:51 - Yeah, hard as the nails, Hammerhead.
04:53 That's his tagline.
04:54 No, genuinely, I just think that, again,
04:56 it's a similar argument to Captain Blade,
04:59 but can you imagine running through
05:01 when you're met with this monstrous cyborg
05:05 of an abomination?
05:07 You know, I don't really understand what he is,
05:10 I just know that he's scary.
05:11 And I think that you can't underestimate
05:16 the power of intimidation on a five-a-side pitch.
05:19 Again, you know, I don't know.
05:23 Said he was like the Terminator for all I know,
05:25 he might be more like the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz.
05:27 I don't know how well he moves,
05:29 but I reckon if you just sort of sit him in there
05:32 and just basically tell him to batter anything
05:35 that comes near him,
05:36 I think he'd do a pretty effective job.
05:38 He kind of, he feels right to me.
05:43 He kind of feels like if Neil Razoruddick
05:47 was from the 23rd century.
05:50 And I think that that again is kind of-
05:53 - The Robocop version of Razoruddick.
05:55 - Exactly, what more could you possibly want
05:56 in a five-a-side team?
05:57 So I'm going to go with Hammerhead, I think.
06:00 - Yeah, a fact I love about Hammerhead
06:04 is when he was originally designed,
06:05 not the version we have now,
06:06 but the Hammerhead V 1.0,
06:09 I think it was actually designed by David Squire,
06:11 the cartoonist, funnily enough.
06:13 But the image that was sent over
06:16 for like sort of consideration,
06:17 the idea was it had him doing some keepy-upees.
06:20 It had the ball in the air
06:21 and Hammerhead looking up at the ball.
06:23 He saw all of his eyes slightly crossed and focused up.
06:26 And obviously that was just intended to show him in action,
06:28 but the people who designed the physical costume
06:30 put the eyes, they made him permanently cross-eyed
06:32 and looking up, absolutely no reason whatsoever.
06:36 This version of Hammerhead, though,
06:37 I admit a little bit more useful.
06:39 And yeah, I mean,
06:39 he's probably going to win most aerial battles.
06:41 He's literally going to be able to hammer the ball away.
06:44 By way of comparison, I'm going to chuck up Bertie Bee.
06:48 This is Bernalee's mascot.
06:50 Now I do have a couple of issues in general with Bertie Bee.
06:53 First of all, it is a freakish, grotesque abomination
06:56 under the name of the Noble Bee.
06:59 It really does, I don't know what the hell is going on.
07:02 I don't know what the hell has happened
07:03 when it was designed.
07:05 It looks appalling.
07:07 I don't really know what's going on.
07:08 It also walks around with a Bernalee scarf
07:10 sort of tied to one of its wrists,
07:11 like it's been involved in some kind of
07:13 turf-mall-based kinky game.
07:15 But we're going to give one major advantage
07:17 and why he'd be pretty handy in one-on-one duels
07:20 as a defender is that he is a bee
07:21 and therefore presumably has a sting.
07:23 Now, if I've got a defender backing into me,
07:26 I'm going to be pretty wary about the fact
07:27 that he could literally sting me.
07:29 And given the size of this bee,
07:30 I mean, he's like a seven foot bee.
07:32 That's probably going to be a pretty bad sting.
07:33 That's got to cause some problems.
07:35 And I would be worried about it.
07:36 I'm not going near him.
07:37 I'm not sure I'm going near Hammerhead either,
07:39 admittedly, but, you know,
07:40 I don't want to go something that could probably
07:42 kill me with his giant sting.
07:43 Now, it is presumably being called Bertie,
07:46 presumably it is a male bee,
07:47 and therefore my understanding of most species of bees,
07:49 that means it would sting you once and then die.
07:52 So, you know, consistency of performance might be an issue.
07:55 It'd give you one big game and then you're pretty much out.
07:56 So I admit there are downsides here,
07:58 but I'm not messing with Bertie Bee either.
08:01 - I don't really want to have to bury a seven foot bee
08:06 after we've played one game of five a side.
08:09 So on the basis of the fact that I don't want to be left
08:11 with a massive yellow and black corpse on my hand,
08:14 I think we've got to go with Hammerhead.
08:16 - Do you know what?
08:20 Now you've said it actually,
08:21 I don't really want to be responsible
08:22 for the funeral rites of a giant freak bee thing.
08:25 So yeah, fair enough, Hammerhead can take this one.
08:28 (whistle blows)
08:35 - Right, next up, midfield maestro,
08:39 arguably, arguably the most iconic Premier League mascot,
08:43 certainly one of the top three, I think it's fair to say.
08:46 Fred the Red, Manchester United.
08:48 I think, you know, this fella,
08:51 he is like the Tiger Woods of mascotry, you know?
08:56 He's like the Mariah Carey of mascotry.
08:58 He is just this looming, diva-ish, iconic figure
09:03 that it's really hard to look past.
09:05 You know, I imagine quite a canny operator as well.
09:09 He's literally the devil.
09:11 Famously, quite a canny operator is certain.
09:16 So I think, you know, when it comes down to it,
09:20 what you're looking for is someone in the middle of the park
09:22 who can control things,
09:23 who has more influence than Fred the Red.
09:25 Again, he's the devil.
09:26 Someone who, you know, maybe has a handle on the dark arts
09:30 at the risk of repeating myself, Matt, he's the devil.
09:33 I just think it's-
09:34 - Hang on, I'm going to interrupt you here
09:37 'cause is he the devil or is he a devil?
09:39 Is he from some kind of world where there are multiple devils?
09:42 'Cause let's face it,
09:43 he's got this sort of cheeky, chappy smile thing going on.
09:46 If I die and I wake up in a fiery inferno of hell
09:51 and I see him standing over me,
09:52 I'm going to assume my worst crime was like
09:54 stealing some sweets from a shop
09:56 when I was a small child or something.
09:58 It doesn't look like he's tormenting like traitors
10:01 or like murderers or anything, does it?
10:03 He's not, he's a bit too chirpy for that.
10:05 - You know what they say though,
10:06 the greatest trick the devil ever pulled
10:08 was convincing you that he's actually just
10:10 a fluffy seven foot tall anthropomorphic being.
10:12 So I think we can get into semantics.
10:16 He might not be the devil.
10:17 I would still argue that a devil is pretty bad.
10:20 And you know, he might not be the man himself,
10:26 but he's, you know, he's certainly a demon of some sort.
10:28 And I think on that basis alone,
10:31 and the fact that like I said,
10:33 he's just such an iconic operator, isn't he?
10:35 I think that for me, I'm going for Ed the Red,
10:39 but I'd be interested to see
10:40 who you think he'd come up against.
10:42 - Well, largely for the sake of
10:46 unneedlessly setting up a derby in these things
10:48 to try and add some cross club tension,
10:52 probably unsuccessfully, I'm going to go with Moonchester.
10:55 Now, Moonchester is Manchester City's mascot.
10:58 He is, I assume he, it's not particularly clear.
11:01 I think there's a female Moonchester that goes with him.
11:03 So I guess so, but he, they are an alien.
11:07 It's very unclear therefore what their sort of,
11:11 their biology is, what their powers might be.
11:14 They're sort of this weird children's TV show creation
11:18 wandering around with one giant eye
11:20 with one weirdly square pupil.
11:22 Yeah, I mean, look, I mean,
11:26 we've got to be pretty speculative with Moonchester.
11:28 We have years of theology and sort of, you know,
11:31 Bible study to determine what the devil is capable of.
11:33 We don't really know much about what an alien might be able.
11:36 (whistle blows)
11:38 All right, we've reached the halfway point
11:44 as we tried to build our perfect five-a-side squad
11:46 out of Premier League mascots.
11:48 We'll be back soon after these adverts.
11:49 (whistle blows)
11:52 (upbeat music)
11:55 (whistle blows)
12:04 Welcome back to three added minutes fantasy five-a-side
12:11 where we're right in the middle of building
12:12 the perfect five-man team made up of Premier League mascots.
12:16 (whistle blows)
12:19 (upbeat music)
12:21 Look, I mean, we've got to be pretty speculative
12:25 with Moonchester.
12:26 We have years of theology and sort of, you know,
12:29 Bible study to determine what the devil is capable of.
12:31 We don't really know much about what an alien might be able.
12:34 He could be able to do absolutely anything.
12:36 He might have all sorts of weird powers.
12:38 He might be, you know, incredibly strong.
12:40 He might have like, I don't know, laser hands or something.
12:44 I mean, it's, who knows?
12:46 With anything's possible.
12:47 And I just think, look, Moonchester looks like
12:50 he's got the sort of the form, the physical form,
12:52 that kind of quite, that bit of bulk and heft,
12:54 which says to me that he'd be pretty good at knocking
12:56 opposing midfielders out of the way and getting on the ball.
12:59 I will accept that Fred the Red,
13:01 apart from being the devil or a devil,
13:03 does come armed with a weapon.
13:05 And I'm not sure I'm taking someone
13:07 with a slightly big backside
13:08 over someone wielding a trident, admittedly.
13:12 But, you know, I just don't think, you know,
13:13 he might have a trident, he might have the horns,
13:15 he might have the little tail,
13:17 but I just don't think Fred the Red's got that sort of,
13:19 that bite in him.
13:20 I don't think he could really use it.
13:21 I think he'd just sort of gently prod you with the trident
13:23 rather than actually going at you.
13:24 He just, I don't see the malice.
13:26 He's too cheeky, too cheerful.
13:27 - I think the thing is, Moonchester, right, two things.
13:29 First of all, he could be an omnipotent being,
13:33 or he could be a Howard the Duck,
13:35 and just not really have anything going for him.
13:37 The other thing is that I'm going to use
13:38 a sort of judo throw of logic against you.
13:42 And if we can't have Captain Blade
13:43 on the basis that he's got one eye,
13:45 we certainly can't have a Cyclops alien.
13:47 So it's kind of got to be Fred the Red, truly.
13:49 - Yeah, I mean, we're in danger of inadvertently
13:54 being slightly ableist against aliens and pirates here,
13:56 but yeah, all right, fair enough.
13:58 You can have Fred the Red,
13:59 if only because I have no friends
14:00 like you or Moonchester can actually do.
14:02 (whistle blows)
14:03 (upbeat music)
14:05 - Right, next up, another midfield presence.
14:13 I'm going to go with Luton Town's Happy Harry.
14:17 I think Happy Harry is absolutely bloody terrifying.
14:22 He is like, it's like if your local butcher
14:25 was a character in "Coraline."
14:27 He's got like, it's just like no eyeballs,
14:29 just two black pits in his skull,
14:32 and they just somehow still managed to stare
14:34 in the very depths of your soul.
14:35 He's just honestly, honestly petrifying.
14:39 And again, like I said with Hammerhead,
14:41 I don't think you can underestimate
14:43 how important the power of intimidation is.
14:45 I think anyone who came up against him
14:48 in any sort of midfield duel wouldn't sleep for a week.
14:51 So even if you don't get them that week,
14:53 the next time you play them,
14:54 they're going to be a sleepless wreck.
14:56 I've said before, I'm a Sunderland fan.
15:00 We played Luton in the championship playoffs last season.
15:03 We just got done by Luton,
15:04 and that was because we couldn't get a result
15:07 of Kenilworth Road.
15:08 Now, the reasons for that was sort of twofold.
15:10 First of all, we didn't have any height in the team.
15:13 We had no center backs, we had no center forwards,
15:15 essentially just like a little team of hobbits
15:17 running around Kenilworth Road.
15:18 And the other thing was, was that Amad Diallo
15:21 never really got going in that match.
15:22 Now the sort of accepted wisdom on it is that
15:25 it was the atmosphere, it was this cauldron,
15:27 this real feisty, intimidating arena
15:30 that he was thrown into and that the fans
15:32 were brought down.
15:33 But I'm increasingly coming around to the school of thought
15:35 that what actually might have happened was
15:37 that just in the tunnel, just before they all walked out,
15:39 Happy Harry just sort of leant over and sort of
15:41 stared at him with these two hollow sockets,
15:44 and was just like, "None of that stuff today, lad."
15:46 And I genuinely think it's Ant Amateur,
15:48 because he is honestly like something out of a horror film.
15:53 And- - Yeah.
15:56 He reminds me, it's that scene,
15:57 have you seen "Event Horizon," like the sci-fi horror movie,
15:59 where I think it's Laurence Fishburne's character
16:02 sort of comes back from hell with his eyes missing,
16:05 and there's just two black pits?
16:06 It's literally like that.
16:07 And that terrified me as a,
16:08 what would I have been about 14, 15,
16:10 when I inadvisably watched that slightly terrifying movie.
16:13 And yeah, it's given me flashbacks to,
16:15 to some genuinely terrifying experiences in my life.
16:18 - So just on the basis of that, I'm going with Happy Harry,
16:21 but I'm interested to see who you think could
16:24 come up against this absolute freak of nature.
16:27 - Well, I'm going back to weapons, quite frankly.
16:32 'Cause I think, you know, a lot of these,
16:34 for all that he has terrifying eye sockets,
16:36 I don't think his physical traits
16:37 will be that well-suited to being sort of a nimble,
16:40 attacking, with the order, darting between the lines.
16:43 You know, he might look like, you know,
16:46 sort of a character from "Event Horizon,"
16:48 but he also looks like a character from "Event Horizon"
16:50 that's going on a 19th century boating trip down the Thames.
16:53 It's not, it's sort of a give and take on the scariness.
16:57 So I'm gonna go with Nottingham Forest Robin Hood.
16:59 Now, he is arguably the weirdest mascot in some ways,
17:03 because instead of going for the normal fluffy animal
17:05 sort of genre of mascot suits,
17:08 he's basically a Pixar character.
17:09 He's got very recognizable sort of human features.
17:12 There's a bit of an uncanny valley thing going on
17:15 with Robin Hood, he is quite weird.
17:18 He also reminds me, for anyone old enough
17:19 to get this reference, he reminds me a little bit
17:21 of Napper from "The Hurricanes," just for a bit of,
17:23 you know, further cartoon football referencing.
17:25 And you have to be at least about 35 to get that one,
17:28 so apologies to probably quite a lot of people
17:30 in our audience.
17:31 Look him up, "The Hurricanes" were great.
17:33 Anyway, he's got a bow and arrow.
17:35 And, you know, apart from the fact that he also,
17:37 it does look quite athletic, I think.
17:38 He's got quite, sort of looks pretty limber.
17:40 He could sort of do a bit of the shuttling up and down.
17:43 You know, if someone beats him,
17:44 he literally just shoots them with a bow and arrow.
17:46 And as we know from years of Robin Hood stories and films,
17:49 whether it's Kevin Costner or whoever else,
17:51 they're pretty handy with it.
17:52 They can like, you know, they can't just shoot you.
17:54 They can shoot you when you're on the opposite corner flag
17:56 or something.
17:57 If the ball's going over the top,
17:58 he just shoots it out of the air
17:59 and sort of brings it down under his control.
18:01 I just don't see how you can really sort of argue
18:04 with literal Robin Hood.
18:05 I mean, a sort of a freakish butcher character from "Lewton"
18:09 doesn't be a dead shot with a bow and arrow in my eye.
18:12 Yeah, okay, you've wooed me over.
18:14 I'm tempted to agree.
18:15 Let's go with Robin Hood.
18:18 Got to be, hasn't he?
18:20 Right, finally leading the line.
18:29 I said before that Fred the Red might be the most iconic.
18:34 I mean, I think I might have misspoke, to be honest with you,
18:37 because I forgot about Gunnarsaurus Rex.
18:40 I mean, he's the man, isn't he?
18:42 There's nothing that this boy can't do.
18:43 Stanton, as far as I'm aware, about 17 foot tall
18:47 with that long neck.
18:48 I think he'd be just the perfect, perfect target man for this side.
18:52 He's, you know, he's just, he's got it.
18:58 I don't know what it is, but Gunnarsaurus has it.
19:00 He's so intrinsic to the identity of Arsenal in the 21st century.
19:05 He's so iconic.
19:07 He's so iconic that during COVID, when they tried to get rid of him,
19:11 Mesut Ozil offered to pay his wages just to keep him around.
19:14 How many other mascots can say that?
19:17 Do you think that anybody's caring if Bertie B goes missing?
19:21 Do you know what I mean?
19:22 I don't foresee anybody in that Burnie side
19:24 putting their hand in the back pocket
19:25 just to keep him around Turf Mill.
19:28 Like Gunnarsaurus is, he's a legend.
19:31 I'm going to say he's a legend.
19:32 You know, he's maybe not in the best shape.
19:34 He's got a bit of a potbelly going on.
19:35 I don't think it matters.
19:36 I think you just whack him up top, play the ball up to him,
19:39 play off him, let him bring it down.
19:41 Yeah, it's got to be Gunnarsaurus
19:44 because could you imagine Neyman, a five-a-side team
19:47 of Premier League mascots and he wasn't in there?
19:49 It would be an absolute, absolute travesty.
19:52 Well, I can't imagine it because I'm going to try and make it happen.
19:57 I'm going to point out one major disadvantage
19:59 with Gunnarsaurus Rex is that assuming he is meant to be a T-Rex
20:02 or at least a distant dinosaur cousin of the T-Rex,
20:05 they famously have really tiny little arms.
20:07 And you know, you need to be able to hold opposing defenders off,
20:11 especially in five-a-side where everyone's super physical.
20:13 You need to be able to walk people off.
20:14 You need your arms for balance.
20:16 I'm not sure Gunnarsaurus Rex has many of the physical attributes required.
20:19 I think the Rex is euphemistic
20:20 because if you look at everything about him,
20:23 he's more, he's surely closer to something like a Dibbadorkus.
20:27 Like the neck, the fact that he hasn't eaten any of the kids
20:30 who are mascots on a weekly basis.
20:32 He doesn't seem to have any carnivorous tendencies.
20:35 But presumably he's well fed before they bring the mascots out.
20:37 They just make sure he isn't hungry.
20:39 Feed him a couple of goats and he's safe.
20:39 I don't think that.
20:40 I've seen Jurassic Park.
20:42 They're insatiable.
20:43 You can't just give them a couple of goats
20:45 and then assume they're not going to eat a seven-year-old.
20:48 I think the Rex is purely there just to signify that this,
20:52 he's absolutely, he's a dinosaur.
20:55 And I think it's just, it's just shorthand for that.
20:57 - Right.
20:58 Well, in the absence of an advanced paleontologist on the panel here,
21:02 I'm going to put up against Gunnarsaurus Rex.
21:06 I'm going to put Chirpy the Cockerel,
21:07 Tottenham Hotspur's mascot up for consideration.
21:09 Again, mostly just so we can completely,
21:11 pointlessly turn this into a Derby thing
21:13 and set fans against each other while they watch this.
21:15 But there's two primary reasons I think Chirpy the Cockerel
21:18 will be pretty handy.
21:19 First of all, he is a bird.
21:23 Now that might not sound like a big thing in, you know, in itself,
21:26 but as we do know from evolutionary science,
21:28 dinosaurs evolved into birds.
21:30 He is an advanced form of Gunnarsaurus Rex.
21:33 You start with a Gunnarsaurus Rex,
21:35 over millions of years of evolution,
21:37 as we come to perfect the form, we arrive at a bird.
21:40 In this case, Chirpy the Cockerel.
21:42 And the second thing I'm going to sort of flag up,
21:45 I've got to be honest,
21:47 I'm actually struggling to come up with good reasons
21:48 because when you look at the costume,
21:50 it is not very well built for football.
21:52 He does have a tail, good for balance and all that,
21:53 but it's this giant bushy thing
21:55 which sprays out in all sorts of different directions.
21:57 He doesn't have hands, he has actual wings,
21:59 unlike Mighty Red,
22:00 they haven't really considered how good he'd be
22:01 at football in these situations.
22:03 Can fly, presumably, again,
22:05 speed, pretty important up top.
22:07 You need someone to go through the lines.
22:08 There we go, that's my second argument.
22:09 I've actually come up with one while I'm talking.
22:11 He's going to be a lot quicker than Gunnarsaurus,
22:13 who let's face it, he's pretty bulky.
22:14 He's not getting anywhere.
22:15 But yeah, this is just,
22:17 we got 65 million years of evolution on my side here,
22:20 so I'm not really seeing any argument for Gunnarsaurus.
22:22 I'll put it this way, Matt, right?
22:23 You put any dinosaur in a wrestling ring with a sparrow
22:29 and tell me that that evolution has made them
22:32 more effective in any sort of physical contest.
22:36 I reckon the sparrow would just fly around the T-Rex's head
22:41 and not be able to get to-
22:42 It's Gunnarsaurus, it's got to be Gunnarsaurus.
22:44 It's always been Gunnarsaurus and always will be.
22:48 All right, okay, do you know what?
22:50 I, just for the sake of harmony on this panel,
22:53 because we do have more episodes of this program
22:55 to record before we fall out forever,
22:57 I'm going to let you have this one,
22:58 but this is the last time.
22:59 Well, that is our fiver side team.
23:09 Premier League mascots, Mighty Reddingal,
23:11 Hammerhead protecting even centre defence,
23:13 Fred the Red in the midfield alongside Robin Hood
23:15 from Nuttingham Forest and Gunnarsaurus Rex.
23:19 That's all for this week's episode of 3 Added Minutes Fantasy Fiver Side.
23:22 We'll be back with another episode next weekend,
23:24 but until then you can read all the latest football news
23:26 along with some of the finest writing and insights
23:28 on the internet at www.3addedminutes.com
23:31 and enjoy even more sporting insight and entertainment
23:33 on Shots TV, free new channel 276.
23:36 This program was produced by Mark Wilson.
23:39 [markwilson@gmail.com]
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