Hammerhead v Bertie the Bee: Would a part-cyborg, part-tool make a better defender than a bee?
3 Added Minutes' Fantasy Five-A-Side takes an unusual turns as Jason and Matthew debate which Premier League mascots would be best at football. Would Fred the Red get the better of Moonchester? And would Gunnersaurus be any good up front?
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00:00 [Whistle]
00:01 [Music]
00:08 So next up, defensive enforcer, I've gone with West Ham's Hammerhead.
00:14 He's got a hammer for a head, what more do you need to know?
00:19 He's sort of somewhere between a Screwfix advert and the Terminator.
00:25 I was going to say hard as nails, there's no pun intended there, but he's literally hard as nails.
00:31 Literally hard as the nails, otherwise you can't do his job.
00:34 Hammerhead, that's his tagline. No, genuinely, I just think that, again, it's a similar argument to Captain Blade,
00:41 but can you imagine running through and you're met with this monstrous cyborg of an abomination?
00:49 I don't really understand what he is, I just know that he's scary and I think that you can't underestimate
00:57 the power of intimidation on a Fiverr side pick.
01:01 Again, I don't know, I said he was like the Terminator for all I know, he might be more like the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz.
01:09 I don't know how well he moves, but I reckon if you just sort of sit him in there and just basically tell him to batter anything that comes near him,
01:18 I think he'd do a pretty effective job. He feels right to me.
01:25 He kind of feels like if Neil Razoruddick was from the 23rd century, and I think that that again is kind of...
01:34 The Robocop version of Razoruddick.
01:37 Exactly, what more could you possibly want in a Fiverr side team? So I'm going to go with Hammerhead, I think.
01:44 Yeah, a fact I love about Hammerhead is when he was originally designed, not the version we have now, but the Hammerhead V1.0,
01:51 I think it was actually designed by David Squires, the cartoonist, funnily enough.
01:55 But the image that was sent over for consideration, the idea was it had him doing some keepy-upees.
02:02 It had the ball in the air and Hammerhead looking up at the ball, his eyes slightly crossed and focused up.
02:07 And obviously that was just intended to show him in action, but the people who designed the physical costume put the eyes,
02:13 they made him permanently cross-eyed and looking up for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
02:17 This version of Hammerhead, though, I admit, a little bit more useful.
02:20 And yeah, I mean, probably going to win most aerial battles. He's literally going to be able to hammer the ball away.
02:27 By way of comparison, I'm going to chuck up Bertie B. This is Bernalee's mascot.
02:32 Now, I do have a couple of issues in general with Bertie B.
02:35 First of all, it is a freakish, grotesque abomination under the name of the Noble B.
02:41 It really does. I don't know what the hell is going on. I don't know what the hell has happened when it was designed.
02:46 It looks appalling. I don't really know what's going on.
02:50 It also walks around with a Bernalee scarf sort of tied to one of its wrists,
02:53 like it's been involved in some kind of turf-mall-based kinky game.
02:57 But we're going to give one major advantage and why he'd be pretty handy in one-on-one duels as a defender is that he is a B
03:03 and therefore presumably has a sting. Now, if I've got a defender backing into me,
03:07 I'm going to be pretty wary about the fact that he could literally sting me.
03:11 Given the size of this B, I mean, he's like a seven-foot B. That's probably going to be a pretty bad sting.
03:15 That's got to cause some problems, and I would be worried about it. I'm not going near him.
03:19 I'm not sure I'm going near Hammerhead either, admittedly, but I don't want to go something that could probably kill me with this giant sting.
03:25 Now, it is presumably being called Bertie. Presumably, it is a male B,
03:29 and therefore my understanding of most species of B is that means you sting you once and then die.
03:33 So, you know, consistency of performance might be an issue. It gives you one big game and then you're pretty much out.
03:39 So I admit there are downsides here, but I'm not messing with Bertie B either.
03:43 I don't really want to have to bury a seven-foot B after we've played one game of Five Aside.
03:51 So on the basis of the fact that I don't want to be left with a massive yellow and black corpse on my hand,
03:57 I think we've got to go with Hammerhead.
04:01 Do you know what? No, you've said it, actually. I don't really want to be responsible for the funeral rites of a giant freak B thing.
04:07 So, yeah, fair enough. Hammerhead can take this one.
04:10 [Whistle]
04:11 [Music]