Sometimes this hunk of gold and leather has not been befitting of the land of the free and the home of the brave. These are the 10 worst WWE United States Championship Matches ever.
00:00 - Start
00:31 - 10
01:13 - 9
02:07 - 8
02:57 - 7
03:48 - 6
04:42 - 5
05:35 - 4
06:28 - 3
07:29 - 2
08:19 - 1
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00:00 - Start
00:31 - 10
01:13 - 9
02:07 - 8
02:57 - 7
03:48 - 6
04:42 - 5
05:35 - 4
06:28 - 3
07:29 - 2
08:19 - 1
SUBSCRIBE TO partsFUNknown: https://bit.ly/2J2Hl6q
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/partsfunknown
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/partsfunknown/
Buy wrestling merchandise here: https://www.wrestleshop.com/
Read more Feature content here on WrestleTalk.com: https://wrestletalk.com/features/
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SportsTranscript
00:00 America. A great nation that's contributed some wonderful things to our world, the Broadway
00:04 musical, aviation, and Cathy Kelly. But it's also given us sprayed cheese in a can, so
00:09 I suppose not everything's gonna be a hit.
00:11 The United States Championship is a belt with nearly half a century of history, so it's
00:14 inevitable that some of the contests for it would be the wrestling equivalent of whatever
00:18 monstrosity this is. Who saw cheese and thought this was appropriate? Cretins.
00:22 Anyway, I'm Dan, hailing from Cheshire, a place of good quality cheese, but also parts
00:27 fun known. And these are the 10 worst United States title matches ever.
00:30 10. Austin Theory vs. John Cena - WrestleMania 39
00:34 This match is on the list in large part because I completely forgot that A) Theory wins it,
00:38 and B) it was actually for the title, which is a damning indictment. It was a complete
00:41 mess of a program from start to finish, honestly. Top stars elevating the talent of tomorrow
00:45 is a well-worn wrestling trope. Think Bret Hart and Steve Austin for probably the best
00:49 example of it.
00:50 But if you're looking to get a new star over in the eyes of your fans, it's probably best
00:53 not to have arguably the most iconic wrestler of his generation spend a few weeks telling
00:57 everybody that the new kid sucks. It's possible that could have been fixed between the bells
01:01 if they had a good match, but they simply did not, opening night one of this year's
01:04 WrestleMania in an effort that felt like they didn't realize it was on the main card and
01:07 not the kickoff. Ref bump, visual tap out, low blow, finish. That'll send him to the
01:12 moon. Wabadoo.
01:13 9. 20-Man Battle Royal - Raw 2014 To put it politely, a Battle Royal for a championship
01:18 is not the best idea. A vacant title? Perhaps. Or the Royal Rumble version of this stipulation
01:23 even. I liked the idea of the 2016 gig. Roman running a 29-man gauntlet trying to cling
01:28 on felt intriguing, you know, until they let him go for a nap for most of it. But a standard
01:31 Battle Royal doesn't work in this case, largely because with so many people in the ring at
01:35 once, your audience are just waiting for the scene to clear and actually see what's going
01:40 on, which in this match, takes ages.
01:42 And on top of that, the belt in question is Dean Ambrose's US title, a reign that's lasted
01:46 for nearly a full year. The conceit is that this is all shenanigans to stack the deck
01:50 against Ambrose, which I suppose could make sense if your plan is to elevate him into
01:53 the main event picture off the back of it. Except that's not the plan. Rollins is the
01:57 one that goes off to join the authority, they've feud for a while, and by WrestleMania 31,
02:01 it's Rollins and Reigns in the closing moments, while Ambrose has pivoted to the other mid-card
02:04 belt. Call this an opportunity squandered.
02:06 8. Stunning Steve Austin vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan - Fall Brawl '94
02:10 Almost a direct response to their best-ever entry from last week's list, this again features
02:14 Stunning Steve and Ricky the Dragon, but it's almost the polar opposite in effect. Steamboat
02:18 had won the belt from Austin in an ODQ match the month after their brilliant effort at
02:22 Bash at the Beach, during which he suffered a back injury that would lead him to retire
02:26 from the ring for eight years. Steamboat comes down to the ring at Fall Brawl, resplendent
02:30 in the most mid-90s attire imaginable, and returns the belt to WCW commissioner Nick
02:35 Bockwinkle, who subsequently crowns Stunning Steve.
02:38 But wait, says the Boxster, I'm just trying it, you'll defend the title tonight against
02:42 Hacksaw Jim Duggan. And then Austin throws a strop for literally ages before turning
02:46 around into a backdrop from Duggan, who then hits the world's lightest splash for the
02:50 three and is your new champ. The title swap is drawn from necessity, but was this the
02:54 best follow-up angle they could come up with? I don't think so.
02:57 7. Rusev vs. Titus O'Neill - Money in the Bank 2016
03:01 Those who watch our weekly podcast know I like to waffle a bit. I've always been the
03:04 type of person to use three sentences when one would do. My friends used to tease me
03:08 for world-building while I was just telling an anecdote about my trip to the shops. "Skip
03:12 to the end" they'd say and we'd laugh and I'd cry. Anyway, that's how I feel
03:16 about this match. I literally think the only reason it happened is because Money in the
03:19 Bank took place on Father's Day. It's basically all they talk about. It goes on
03:23 for eight minutes and the most notable thing that happens is that Titus O'Neill kisses
03:27 his son on the lips, and honestly, going on about that is far weirder than a family showing
03:31 affection to each other. And that's the other bit of quote-unquote heat in this match.
03:35 His sons are at ringside, which means they have to watch their dad lose and then Rusev
03:38 is a bit mean to them. Eight minutes of nothing. My trip to the shops is honestly more interesting
03:43 and that story is that I went for toothpaste and they didn't have any. What a swerve.
03:47 Number six, Santino Morella versus Antonio Cesaro, SummerSlam pre-show 2012. Kick-off
03:52 matches exist to be on while you're pouring drinks into solo cups and chatting with your
03:55 friends ahead of the main show, or for us European viewers, while you're pouring yourself
03:59 a strong coffee and picking which cereal you think will slow-release carb you enough to
04:03 stay awake. "This match is going to set the pace for the whole show," says Matt
04:06 Stryker on commentary, and let me tell you, on this particular night, that may as well
04:09 have been my cue to go to bed. Cesaro is accompanied here by Oksana and they have a little snog.
04:15 Santino goes to put on his Cobra glove, but Cesaro throws it out of the ring and the rest
04:18 of the match is built around whether he'll be able to get it back. I swear to God, at
04:21 one point the commentary asks what offense Santino has without that Cobra and he is the
04:26 champion going into this. In the end, it turns out he has a secret backup glove, rendering
04:30 all that's come before pointless, but then, and I s*** you not, the Cobra glove is distracted
04:35 because it fancies Oksana, which gives Cesaro time to capitalise. Goodness gracious, what
04:40 utter bollocks.
04:41 5. Zack Ryder vs. Jack Swagger - Raw 2012
04:44 This is the second direct follow-up from a Best Of candidate off last week's list, and
04:48 it is far more egregious. Let's start with the positive. Zack and Jack rhyme. That's
04:52 fun to say. And incidentally, "ack" is also the sound I make whenever I think about
04:56 what happened here. After a brilliant 2012 that saw Ryder ride a wave of fan affection
05:00 to the United States title, 2012 kicked off a frankly disgraceful burial of the man who
05:04 had the temerity to get over with the crowd on his own. After being attacked by Kane,
05:08 Ryder was forced into a match with Jack Swagger, heavily taped ribs and all. The match is dull
05:12 and perfunctory, soundtracked by Vicky Guerrero, and Ryder loses the title unceremoniously
05:16 to the chagrin of his girlfriend Eve Torres. After the match, GM John Laurinaitis says
05:20 "Oh, sorry, you weren't medically cleared. My bad", which would be a good foundation
05:25 for a heroic babyface story where he goes on and reclaims his gold against all odds,
05:29 right? Nah, let's just push him off the stage and have his girlfriend make out with
05:31 John Cena. That'll teach the nerds who are trying to enjoy watching our show.
05:35 4. Bret Hart vs. The Miz, Raw 2010 Dear lord above, where do I start? This is
05:39 an absolute disaster of a segment. I don't even want to call it a match because Bret
05:43 Hart's in it, and that feels insulting even to jean shorts Bret Hart. And actually, same
05:47 goes for The Miz, as we are continuing to learn, say it with me, The Miz is a very good
05:51 professional wrestler. Excellent class. Same time again next week. Miz has goaded Bret
05:56 into this match and then announces gleefully that he's hired some backup to "neutralise
06:00 the Hart dynasty", end to Vladimir Kozlov and William Regal to precisely no reaction,
06:04 only for them to be immediately taken out by Atholmension Dynasty. Natalya's here
06:08 now, what's she gonna do? Oh, slap Miz and then run away in concern when Bret gets battered.
06:13 How useful. Don't worry though, because the dynasty land a heart attack on Miz, which
06:16 is enough to knock him down so Bret can pop on a sharpshooter about as convincing as the
06:20 one I did on my little brother in the main event of Living Room Slamboree 1999, and then
06:24 The Miz taps. This match could have been an email, and even then, it would have been spam.
06:28 3. Chris Canyon vs Kane, Smackdown 2001 Decades of takes have been made about the
06:32 invasion and here's mine, I was a child who'd never really seen WCW, so I remember
06:37 being quite into it. But I'm gonna have to do a rewatch and possibly reconsider that
06:40 assessment in light of remembering what happened on this episode of Smackdown. This was the
06:44 US Championship's introduction into the WWF universe, and because pettiness trumps creativity,
06:49 it was handed from Booker T to Chris Canyon and its first defence was against Kane. And
06:52 the word defence here is about as solid as Manny Night is a defence this season. Am I
06:56 right lads? Because what happens is Canyon realises he's in over his head against the
07:01 Big Red Machine and within seconds decides to grab hold of corrupt WCW referee Nick Patrick
07:06 who disqualifies Canyon, thus cheating Kane out of his potential title win. This? This
07:10 is how you want to introduce the United States Championship? A belt with history threading
07:14 Booker T all the way back to Harley Race, one of the top prizes of this company that
07:18 you're claiming is a perilous threat to the very existence of the WWF? Sure Vince.
07:22 Although in fairness, you could probably make the argument that he was simply carrying on
07:25 the grand tradition established by WCW themselves, because…
07:29 2. Whatever WCW was doing at the end there. Take your pick. Do you want the overbooked
07:33 mess of David Flair vs Buff Bagwell? How about Steiner vs Sting in an underwhelming final
07:37 to an underwhelming tournament that ends with Vampiro popping out of a hole in the ring
07:41 to drag Sting under? Scott Hall vs Roddy Piper in a devastatingly bad match where the presence
07:45 of Disco Inferno isn't even the worst part of it, and how many times have you heard that
07:49 sentence? Or might I interest you in general erection, do you get it, against Lance Storm
07:53 and Jim Duggan? Oh good lord, what are we even doing here?
07:56 WCW had already started its crushing descent by the time Vince Russo got his hands on the
08:00 book, and started a run so creatively horrific that conspiracy theories are bound to this
08:04 day that he was a secret mole sent on behalf of Vince McMahon to destroy the competition.
08:08 Ironically, that's a far better story than anything Russo was able to come up with. The
08:11 death of WCW is a fascinating parable that apparently no one has learned from, even though
08:15 we're able to rewatch it with morbid fascination at the touch of a button.
08:18 Number 1 - Austin Theory cashes in on Seth Rollins, Raw 2022
08:22 Oh boy. For 15+ years, the Money in the Bank contract was defined as an opportunity for
08:26 a world title shot, and the last time I checked, the United States is not the entire world,
08:30 despite what they might think. Zing. Burn.
08:33 So you're already confused as an audience member as to why this is even happening, and
08:36 whether he's allowed to do that. And then you remember that Theory has about 8 months
08:40 left before his contract runs out, during which time who knows what might happen to
08:44 the world title. Also, US title shots are handed out like Halloween candy, so why bother
08:47 wasting a contract? In fact, at one point, Miz had the briefcase while US champion. The
08:52 Miz erasure, I simply cannot.
08:54 And the match is crap as well. Lashley has plonked Seth through the announce table after
08:57 deciding he didn't want to go for the title. I mean, that's one thing. It's also why Theory
09:01 cashed in to begin with. Then Lashley comes back and starts beating up Theory because
09:04 he does want the belt. Does the belt matter or not? Pick a lane, I have a headache.
09:09 And then none of it matters because Seth retains. And then none of it matters even harder because
09:12 Theory gets a shot at the title at Survivor Series and wins it there instead. Excuse my
09:16 French but this was twist-u-peed.
09:19 And that's our list. Head down to the comments and add your favourite bit of rubbish to this
09:21 trash fire. And while you're there, don't forget to like, subscribe, and while away
09:25 the hours with our treasure trove of lists like this one.