Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 8 Krelboyne Picnic
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00:00Please! Ow!
00:08Nooooooo!
00:10Ow! You're bleeding off me!
00:12Stop breathing! Stop breathing!
00:13Ah! Ah!
00:15Get your hands! Get my hands!
00:17Get my hands!
00:18Oh!
00:19Ow!
00:20Ow!
00:21Ow!
00:22Ow!
00:23Ow!
00:24Ow!
00:25Ow!
00:26Ow!
00:27Ow!
00:28Leave the squirrel alone and get the fire extinguisher.
00:35Freeze, no!
00:39Blood tastes funny.
00:41You better be naked when I get back.
00:45Done.
00:58You're not the boss of me now.
01:01You're not the boss of me now.
01:03You're not the boss of me now.
01:06And you're not so big.
01:09You're not the boss of me now.
01:12You're not the boss of me now.
01:15You're not the boss of me now.
01:17And you're not so big.
01:22Life is unfair.
01:24Malcolm, Malcolm, oh how is that even remotely fair that's for us all having to go to your
01:42stupid crowbond picnic today you think I want you to go my special class is having a family
01:51day and if that's not bad enough it's on the weekend that Francis is home you're gonna look like a total
01:59idiot in front of him
02:08luckily I've got a brilliant plan to get out of this
02:11oh poor baby yeah I'm sick no you're grounded for pouring perfectly good vegetable soup in the toilet
02:27and you owe me 49 cents
02:34I don't understand why you don't want to go to this picnic Malcolm I think it sounds like fun
02:39yeah that's sitting on the grass eating barbecue it's crowboys it's not gonna be on the grass because
02:45half the class is allergic and don't expect any meat either because they all voted not to serve
02:52anything that ever had a mother cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother that's right she has two daddies oh
02:59man two guys as your parents that house has gotta be a dude's paradise you know there are a lot of
03:07proven health benefits to the vegetarian lifestyle in fact I've been seriously considering it myself
03:15it'll be nice to meet the other parents I'm sure they're much better than those carnival freaks in
03:19Reese's class what a horrible bunch of people amen to that well this just sounds like a blast to me
03:28why do I have to go again because it's a family picnic Francis and you're a member of this family
03:33oh right see I just keep forgetting that being forced to live a thousand miles away at military
03:38school and all oh well I can't wait to see this academic circus I bet it's really cute it's not
03:44a circus it's a bunch of social misfits doing a bunch of weird stunts to show off how smart they are
03:51what's your weird stunt honey just some lame thing nothing you want to see
03:55you've got to get me out of there before my turd comes why what's the big deal it just
04:02is okay I don't want to do my act all right relax we'll hang out for like 15 minutes establish
04:10your presence then we'll go over the fence like a grandma's wedding
04:14that's why I love this guy welcome welcome one and all run away with us and join the circus
04:28the academic circus oh no my teacher Malcolm thank goodness I was so nervous I had a dream you didn't
04:38come and then I was being chased by something big but invisible and that never mind you're here
04:44and that's all that matters hello little guy ready to leave your family and join the circus
04:59a little lower side
05:02oh look at all your little friends
05:08they're not my friends they're a bunch of geeks and losers
05:26I'm gonna kick so much crowboy in ass today it's not even funny
05:31go Malcolm go Malcolm go Malcolm go Malcolm go Malcolm easy you got all afternoon
05:39we're getting out of here in 15 minutes right make it ten yeah oh hello
05:50and who might you be what nothing
05:54all right hello I'm Lois this is Hal we're Malcolm's parents that's very nice I'm Doreen
06:12these are the girls hello it's nice to meet you all yeah it's really
06:15whatever
06:24hope everybody likes brownies oh my that is so thoughtful are those nuts walnuts oh gee we can't
06:33have that some of the children are severely allergic to nuts oh my gosh I had no idea whose child is
06:40allergic well no one in this class specifically but you can never be too careful
06:57believe me this isn't meant to publicly humiliate you
07:02I'm sure they were delicious
07:04oh hi fellas hey there what's your pleasure nature dog health patty tofu square
07:15good god want me to brown that chicken leg a little more for you
07:24wow looks like I got here just in time
07:28gentlemen gentlemen
07:33behold
07:37is that me nothing but
07:49hi hey
07:52so uh you here yeah
08:03you yeah
08:14hey stevie can't stop to chat gotta get my chemicals
08:21in the shade
08:22i thought you were doing your report on oscilloscopes
08:26change to catalytics
08:28it's more exciting
08:31right what do you care
08:35i'm up after you
08:38so
08:39following you
08:41is like
08:43following streisand
08:45well don't worry about it you won't be following me
08:50why have i been bumped
08:56francis what are you doing
08:58come on the coast is clear and
09:01it's already been 10 minutes in
09:03we're not ditching out are we
09:08we're not ditching out are we
09:16a small pack of
09:31has ventured out of hiding to bask in the afternoon sun.
09:35Their defense is down.
09:37They're an easy target for nearby predators.
09:48They sense danger.
09:50It is too late.
09:51Their hesitation is fatal.
10:01And the circle of life goes on.
10:29Kafkaesque isn't.
10:30Huh?
10:32Never mind.
10:33Kick his butt, Alphonse.
10:42Wait.
10:43Wait.
10:44Here it comes.
10:46Yes!
10:47There!
10:48I've arrested the cellular mitosis!
10:51Thank you, Dabney.
10:52That was riveting.
10:53Our next act needs no introduction, having been the boss of last year's math fair.
11:06Please welcome Flora Mayesh and Fermat's last theorem!
11:13What?
11:14Hello?
11:15Is this testing?
11:16What?
11:17Hello?
11:18Is this testing?
11:19Oh, shit.
11:20So, I understand that Malcolm has quite the vocabulary.
11:24Yeah, he's just yup-yup-yup-yup-yup-yup all day long.
11:27Well, that's not the vocabulary I meant.
11:30It seems that he's taught several of the children the R word.
11:34The R word?
11:35I'm sure it's just something he picked up off the street.
11:38Certainly not at home.
11:40Yeah, well, are you, lady?
11:47So, this is going well, right?
11:53It's pretty much everything I expected.
11:56So, you ready, Malcolm?
11:57I mean, you're all set, right?
11:59Sure.
12:00Good.
12:05I'm ready.
12:08Thanks for asking.
12:11You know what's so great about our relationship?
12:14It just still feels so fresh.
12:17You know what I mean?
12:18Totally.
12:20Alright, take it away.
12:22I need two burgers and a dog.
12:24Coming up, Dewey!
12:28Thank you, sir.
12:29Alright, thank you.
12:31What have I told you about raw meat, son?
12:34I'm raw.
12:36Dad, I want you to meet someone.
12:39This is Jody.
12:40Alright?
12:41Oh, it's so great to finally meet you.
12:44Francis talks about you all the time.
12:47Oh, yeah?
12:48You too.
12:54I'm so glad that went well.
12:57Ladies and gentlemen.
13:00I give to you the Nixon electromagnet.
13:16This is going dreadfully.
13:18Am I wrong?
13:20Please tell me I'm wrong.
13:23Excuse me.
13:24For what?
13:37This is it.
13:38You're almost up.
13:41Stop reminding me.
13:43Nervous?
13:44No.
13:45I just don't want to do this.
13:47Don't you ever get sick of being a crowboy?
13:51Are people thinking you're some kind of freak?
13:54You are what you are.
13:59Accepted.
14:00Not without a fight.
14:02You're harshing my buzz.
14:05Don't let anyone mess with my stuff.
14:18You know, in the wrong hands, these chemicals can make a pretty powerful stink bomb.
14:26These hands are grown enough.
14:31And this field trip to the historic ghost town.
14:35I think we all know what that leads to.
14:37The occult, devil worship, state colleges.
14:41So then it's agreed that the trip will be canceled.
14:45Wait a minute.
14:47You can't decide that.
14:48You didn't even vote.
14:50I was only going by the general tone of the group.
14:54General tone?
14:55I haven't heard a peep out of any of these other women all day.
14:59What, you all agree with what Mrs. Control freak here is saying?
15:04Well...
15:05Phyllis!
15:07My name isn't Phyllis.
15:09And...
15:11No, I don't feel that way.
15:13I don't either.
15:14I never liked the way you...
15:15My husband told me I should stand up to you after I came off from that bake sale in tears.
15:19My husband told me the same name.
15:21I want my soy burger.
15:23He's bleeding!
15:24This is meat!
15:25We're eating meat!
15:26Oh my God!
15:29We're eating meat!
15:30We're eating meat!
15:31We're eating meat!
15:33We're eating meat!
15:36I need you!
15:38I need you!
15:40I need you!
15:42I need you!
15:44Where are you going?
15:46Monster!
15:48I'm going to do this!
15:50Get off the way!
15:52Come here!
15:54You are not a game of the Vader!
15:56You are an absolute leader!
15:58You are the one who just made the decision!
16:00You are the one who just made the decision!
16:02You are the one who just made the decision!
16:04You are the one who just made the decision!
16:14Okay, the difference between a stink bomb and a level 3 toxic biohazard is apparently two extra drops of sulfur tetra oxide.
16:22I'm totally suing that website.
16:24I didn't do it!
16:26I didn't do it!
16:34I want a receipt!
16:40I'm kind of conflicted.
16:42On the one hand, I ruined Caroline's picnic and very possibly endangered a hundred lives.
16:48On the other hand, now I don't have to do my act.
16:52Did you miss me?
16:54Mm-hmm.
16:56So who is that girl with her hands all over you?
16:58I proposed a paramedic.
16:59She was making sure I didn't inhale any toxic fumes.
17:00Oh, I'm sure you loved every moment of it.
17:01God, would you quit nagging me?
17:02Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention.
17:03I don't know.
17:04I don't know.
17:05I don't know.
17:06I don't know.
17:07I don't know.
17:08I don't know.
17:09I don't know.
17:10I don't know.
17:11I don't know.
17:12I don't know.
17:13I don't know.
17:14I don't know.
17:15I don't know.
17:16I don't know.
17:17I don't know.
17:18I don't know.
17:19I don't know.
17:20I don't know.
17:21I'm sure you loved every moment of it.
17:24God, would you quit nagging me?
17:26Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention to me.
17:28More attention?
17:29You're smothering me.
17:31I need space.
17:32Oh, you'll get your space.
17:34We're through.
17:35Fine by me.
17:37by me. Here's the school ring you gave me. Your teddy bear keychain. Your shirt. Your
17:53two poems. The book you lent me. Your Depeche Mode tape. Oh, and here's your gum. I love
18:04Crailboines. And I swear, I'm not just saying that. Why would I? Nice hang time. Well, it's
18:14really a simple function of the tensile strength of the elastic waistband. I brought you a hamburger.
18:31This should make us even, right? Thank you. Is this me? It might be. Look what I've been
18:56doing. Shit. Okay, well, um, I'm gonna. Oh, Malcolm, I'm so sorry. Huh? I don't know how much you were looking
19:12forward to doing your act. Especially with your family here. I failed you. No, you didn't.
19:23Yes, I did. After today, they're gonna fire my ass so fast.
19:30My parents were right. I never should have left the cannery. Want another hamburger?
19:43I know. I know. I know. I really didn't like you. I really didn't like you. Can you believe
20:05it? Meat. I don't know about you, but I'm outraged. I want you to know that I am going
20:12to see to it that you never serve on a school committee, hold an office, or even so much
20:17as set foot in a PTA meeting as long as I can help it. Is that a promise, lady? Because
20:24I'd really like to get that in writing. I should have expected as much from the mother
20:28of a foul-mouthed thug. What he's even doing in this class, I don't know.
20:37Oh, she made a friend. Yeah, tomorrow we're going shopping for shoes.
20:43Academic circus? Well, you certainly got the circus part right. This is the biggest debacle
20:48I've ever seen. I guarantee you, Principal Little-Dev is going to hear about this.
20:51Exactly.
20:55Can I ask you a question?
20:57Yes. All women suck.
21:01No. I mean, you'd still like me, even if you found out I was a freak, right? And the family
21:08wouldn't treat me any different, right?
21:10Dude, we already know you're smart.
21:13Yeah, but, never mind. Just don't say I didn't warn you.
21:24Look, it's Malcolm!
21:25Hey, Malcolm's going to do it, guys!
21:28The PTA is online, Missy. Are you aware of the power of the Internet?
21:36Hey, everyone, look! Look, Malcolm's doing it, he's doing it!
21:40Hey, shut down!
21:43Um, could somebody please show me some credit cards?
21:58Okay, the numbers on them are 3699-7412-6823-9140, and 3424-1804-1835-3668.
22:21He's right!
22:30Okay.
22:33If you add the individual digits on each card, you get 74 and 66.
22:39If you multiply those numbers, you get 4,884.
22:43How do we even know he's right?
22:45Oh, he's right.
22:474,884 squared is 23,853,456.
22:57The square root of 4,884 is 69 and 885 thousands.
23:04The square root of that is 8 and 3,597 ten thousands.
23:10Factoring.
23:12The factors are 222 and 73.
23:16Multiply it by pi.
23:1726 and 261 thousands.
23:20Cubic!
23:21584 and 214 thousand.
23:23What's the arc tangent?
23:2489 and 9 tenths degrees.
23:26Natural law!
23:276 and 3,699 ten thousands.
23:29What's the reciprocal?
23:3017 and 10 thousands.
23:31In Banking!
23:3211,431.
23:33What's the capital of Iceland?
23:34Ranking.
23:35But that's not mad.
23:36Junior, who is the capital of Iceland?
23:37Ranking.
23:38But that's not mad.
23:39Louise Cameron Alltex,
23:41Art,chet, Art.
23:42Why can't you do that?
24:05Cellular mitosis.
24:07What are we paying your tutor for?
24:12Do you have any brothers?
24:20No?
24:26Hey.
24:28Hi.
24:31So, um, how you been?
24:36Fine.
24:39You look good.
24:42Yes, it was.
24:43It was a wonderful circus.
24:46So many people were worried about the whole circus.
24:49Was it as bad as you think it was?
24:51Man, you killed.
24:54That's what I was afraid of.
24:57Sorry you didn't get to do your act.
24:59Shove the sympathy.
25:03Showboat.
25:03I do, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said I should've used his eyes.
25:23Is Malcolm a robot?
25:25no son he's just smart very very very very very very smart hey Malcolm how many fingers am I
25:45holding up analyze what I had for lunch you know what I don't understand how you can
25:59rattle off all those numbers but you can't remember to brush your teeth hey who's for burger bun
26:15you