Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 4 Shame
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00:00Eight. Nine.
00:02Nine.
00:04He was a good...
00:06Nine.
00:08Are you sure, Nine?
00:10Anyway...
00:12He was a very good frog.
00:14And he led a very full life.
00:18I remember when I stuck him in Mom's son visor.
00:20And she always hit that lady in the crosswalk.
00:24It was hysterical.
00:26Farewell, Jumpy Number Nine.
00:28We know you're going to a better place.
00:34Bye, Jumpy.
00:42Dad?
00:58May he rest in pieces.
01:00Amen.
01:02You're not the boss of me now.
01:04You're not the boss of me now.
01:06You're not the boss of me now.
01:08You're not the boss of me now.
01:10And you're not so big.
01:12You're not the boss of me now.
01:14You're not the boss of me now.
01:16You're not the boss of me now.
01:18You're not the boss of me now.
01:20You're not the boss of me now.
01:22And you're not so big.
01:24You're not the boss of me now.
01:28You're not the boss of me now.
01:30You're not the boss of me now.
01:32And you're not so big.
01:36Life is unfair.
01:45Conorvin winds up.
01:52Base is loaded.
01:57Series on the line.
02:02Will you just throw the ball?
02:03You want me to kiss it?
02:22Oh, man, Kevin.
02:24I hate this guy.
02:26He's only been here for two weeks,
02:28and he's already the most obnoxious kid in the school.
02:32A little help.
02:33Lose your ballie, baby.
02:36Can I please have my ball back, Kevin?
02:38Can I please have my ball back, Kevin?
02:40Come on, Kevin.
02:41Come on, Kevin.
02:43They goosey-boost non-ass dispute tandem.
02:46They coob.
02:47You stink.
02:49Your new name is Stinky.
02:50Whatever.
02:51Just give me my ball back.
02:53You want it?
02:54Go get it, Stinky.
02:56Men, most of you are at an age where your bodies have undergone significant changes.
03:09While the benefits of increased muscle mass and a more authoritative speaking register are plain,
03:18These changes can produce certain negative desires.
03:24We used to handle it with cold showers and regularly scheduled beatings, but sadly, times have changed,
03:34And I am forced to rely on a less effective option.
03:39Education.
03:43Pretty, isn't she?
03:44Perhaps her name is Mary, or Wendy, or Becky Lou.
03:51It doesn't matter, because her real name is disease.
03:55Not so pretty anymore, is she, men?
04:04Cankers.
04:06Lesions.
04:09Fruncles.
04:10Such is the price of weakness.
04:14I can't believe they're swallowing this.
04:17Standard technique.
04:19Generate a fear response.
04:21Make the brain more receptive.
04:22I don't care.
04:23Spangler has ruined everything in our lives.
04:26Now, he has to ruin sex.
04:27Now, remember, every one of these diseases can easily be transmitted to you.
04:39Excuse me, sir.
04:41Isn't that slide upside down?
04:43No, son.
04:45No, it isn't.
04:51I'll get the ice pack.
04:53Dewey, we told you to stop climbing that tree.
04:56It's too big.
04:57I couldn't help it.
05:00I know, sweetheart.
05:02That's it.
05:03I've had it.
05:04That sucker's coming down.
05:06You're going to cut down the tree?
05:07Darn right.
05:09I'm sick and tired of raking leaves and hosing bird poop off our car.
05:13And seeing that weird face in the bark that follows you wherever you go.
05:16And now it's going after the children?
05:19No, Lois.
05:20It has to be stopped.
05:21Can I help kill it?
05:24Sure, sweetheart.
05:25We'll take turns.
05:26All right, frozen pizza.
05:38The only thing Rowena can't ruin it.
05:41Hey, no cuts.
05:43Hey, no cuts.
05:45Two slices, please.
05:49Is there any more pizza?
05:51No, all out.
05:53It's American goulash for you.
06:02What is that?
06:06I don't know.
06:08All we can identify are little pieces of carrot and...
06:11I don't know.
06:13I think they're Skittles.
06:15Hey, look at the goulash boy.
06:18Get away from me, Kevin.
06:20Ooh, get away from me, Kevin.
06:23He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza and I do.
06:28I said get away.
06:32Chill, man.
06:35I got...
06:37your back.
06:38What are you looking at?
06:42Canarba.
06:43Light.
06:45Some shadows.
06:47Kevin, I'm warning you.
06:49Get out of my face.
06:52Aw, Malcolm doesn't like me eating close to his face with pizza.
06:57I have.
06:59And he doesn't.
07:03Pizza, pizza, pizza.
07:05Pizza.
07:05Pizza.
07:08Pizza.
07:10Pizza.
07:11Pizza.
07:11Pizza.
07:12Pizza.
07:13Pizza.
07:14Pizza.
07:15Pizza.
07:16Pizza.
07:17Pizza.
07:18Pizza.
07:19Pizza.
07:21Pizza.
07:22Pizza.
07:23Pizza.
07:24Pizza.
07:25Pizza.
07:26Pizza.
07:27Pizza.
07:28Pizza.
07:29Pizza.
07:30Pizza.
07:31Pizza.
07:32Pizza.
07:33Pizza.
07:34Pizza.
07:35Pizza.
07:36Pizza.
07:37You want pizza? I'll give you pizza!
07:46Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
07:51Wow, watching hockey's really paid off. I can't believe how good I'm doing.
07:58What do you mean he's only seven?
08:01What's not to understand? He just turned seven.
08:05I guess you were too busy beating people to notice.
08:08He can't be seven. He's bigger than I am.
08:11He's in second grade.
08:13Oh, look at all this blood.
08:15That's not blood. It's pizza sauce.
08:18Well, that's blood, but... Oh, my God.
08:20Oh, my God! What happened?
08:23I want my teletubbies.
08:26A doll? You can't believe a doll's if you're seven.
08:30Why are you seven?
08:32You beat up a seven-year-old?
08:35I didn't know!
08:37Malcolm, I don't blame you.
08:39I put this squarely where it belongs.
08:42On me.
08:45Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done.
08:49Kevin, I'm sorry.
08:51I think you've done quite enough.
08:53This is the worst birthday ever.
08:56Inappropriate.
09:10Vicious.
09:11Oh, wait. Thug?
09:13Dude, I've never gotten thug before.
09:16That's like the Oscar.
09:17Susie got to write my crayons.
09:20Can you beat her up tomorrow?
09:22Leave me alone.
09:23You know what my favorite part is?
09:25It's when you pound on someone, and then a day later,
09:27you still feel the pain in your knuckles.
09:30Oh, I love that.
09:32Shut up, Reese.
09:33Hey, hey. Pace yourself, killer.
09:36One.
09:45Dad!
09:46You cut down the tree, and we missed it?
09:49Oh, baby, you missed it, all right?
09:52I was about two-thirds of the way through Earth, then...
09:55Crack!
09:56Gaboom!
09:58My chainsaw goes flying, all the car alarms go off.
10:02About a hundred squirrels came boiling out of the branches,
10:05then a pack of dogs came out of nowhere
10:08and chased them all over the neighborhood.
10:10Man!
10:11I've never seen anything like it.
10:13Man.
10:15Oh, don't worry, son.
10:16You'll get to sharing the best part.
10:18Cleaning up.
10:22Boys, I think you'll enjoy my sexual awareness lecture next week.
10:25It's been called riveting.
10:28It sure worked wonders for me, sir.
10:31The only woman I can think of without vomiting
10:33is my own mother.
10:35As it should be, son, as it should be.
10:39He's giving that same lecture to the underclassmen.
10:43I can't let that happen.
10:46I'm stealing his slides.
10:48And to you, that's a good idea.
10:50Oh, absolutely.
10:53I know it's hardcore, Stanley, but I'm not doing this for me.
10:57I'm doing it for them.
10:59After all, they are the future.
11:05Francis, I don't know why you assume you'll be able to just walk into Spangler's office
11:10and find his sex lives.
11:12Oh, man, I wish all my break-ins were this easy.
11:23Okay, I got him. Let's get out of here.
11:26Wait a second.
11:27Oh, my God, this is a gold mine. Spangler drinking?
11:40Spangler kissing?
11:42Spangler in a Speedo?
11:45Spangler out of a Speedo.
11:47All right, that's enough. Let's leave, huh?
11:49Wait a second.
11:51I have an idea.
11:53I'm gonna make Spangler's sexual awareness lecture just a little more interesting.
11:57Now, Francis, you do realize what he'll do to you if you humiliate him like this, right?
12:02And yet I'm doing it anyway.
12:05Weird, huh?
12:08Why are the eggs so little?
12:10They're Robin's eggs from the tree your father cut down.
12:15Called bunion.
12:16All right, that's nature for you.
12:18100 years to grow, 12 minutes to cut down.
12:22There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere.
12:23It is nice having this extra light in the room.
12:27Boy, till I bring in the wood chipper.
12:29You're really gonna see something.
12:31I can't take this anymore.
12:33When are you gonna punish me?
12:35For what?
12:36For beating up a seven-year-old.
12:42Oh, my God, that's right.
12:44You must have just felt ridiculous when you found out how old that kid was.
12:48That's the old man from the book that we wish.
12:55I'll get it.
12:57Oh, this is nice.
12:58We should start every day with a good laugh.
13:00It's not funny.
13:03It's awful.
13:04I did something horrible.
13:06Don't you even care?
13:08Well, it's nothing to be proud of, son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice.
13:14That was an honest beating mistake.
13:16Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.
13:18What are you talking about?
13:20What enemies?
13:22Oh, they're out there.
13:24And once they know we're capable of this, they'll know we're capable of anything.
13:29Okay, so it's not just me, right?
13:36There's something seriously wrong with this family.
13:38It's none of your business what we do on our property.
13:43That tree was older than your house.
13:45You had no right to cut it down.
13:48We're a neighborhood, and removing trees is a neighborhood decision.
13:52Oh, you people.
13:54What, for 15 years you've mowed your lawns in the middle of the night so you don't have to talk to us.
13:59Now what, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood?
14:01What's going on here?
14:02You've caused a blight on our street by cutting down that tree.
14:05How is cutting down a tree a blight?
14:08Because now we can see your house.
14:10Well, let me tell you something, Ed.
14:13As far as I'm concerned, you and the neighbors can all just...
14:15That goes double for me. I want you all off our property now or we're all...
14:24No wonder I'm a thug. How can they act like this?
14:41And then I found out that he was only seven. I didn't know what to do.
14:57I just felt like I had to talk to someone.
15:00I hope I'm doing this right.
15:01See, my family, we're not like regular church goers, but I know places like this are supposed to help you feel better.
15:09And that's really what I need.
15:11I did something terrible, and now I just feel like there's something wrong with me.
15:16I mean really wrong, deep inside.
15:19I can't shake it. What do I do?
15:22Look to the church.
15:26Look to God.
15:28Look within.
15:29But first you must ask forgiveness.
15:31First you must atone.
15:32First you must cleanse your spirits.
15:35The path to salvation.
15:36The path to temptation.
15:38The path to meditation.
15:39How does one define a sin?
15:41Well, it's mostly common sense.
15:42Then you have to light incense.
15:44If you practice abstinence.
15:45It's whatever space you're in.
15:49Huh?
15:50Ch-ch-charity.
15:51Prosperity.
15:52Declarity.
15:53Divine.
15:54Restitution.
15:55Absolution.
15:56Contribution.
15:57Palestine.
15:58Sacramento.
15:59Accident.
16:00Mostly mental.
16:01You'll be fine.
16:02Transubstantial.
16:03Alleviate.
16:04Who knows?
16:05Align your spine.
16:07Uh, well thanks, I feel much better.
16:10Bye.
16:16Hey boys!
16:18Where's your brother?
16:19I don't know.
16:20He said something about being evil and he took off.
16:23Ah.
16:24Stay back.
16:29Wow!
16:30That is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
16:32Really?
16:34All it does is instantly vaporize anything that goes into it.
16:49Don't we?
16:50What was...
16:51Actually that was pretty cool.
16:54What else you got?
16:57Yeah!
16:58Alright!
17:04What is what you got?
17:05You all right!
17:07Yeah!
17:08Yeah!
17:09All right!
17:11Yeah!
17:12Yeah!
17:13All right!
17:14What's that?
17:46Well, we've obviously run out of ideas.
18:03Yolanda, this is the love that cannot be.
18:06Stop! Can't you put some life in it? It's 1969!
18:12The slide rule's about to be replaced by the pocket calculator.
18:16You have to feel the panic in the air.
18:20I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin.
18:23I feel like crap, and no one understands.
18:27Even you. You're supposed to be my friend, and you don't even care.
18:31And yet, you keep talking.
18:36Kevin, maybe if I did something good, I would cancel it out, right?
18:41Or if I'm only doing it to feel better, is that selfish and doesn't count as much?
18:45Stevie.
18:46Stevie.
18:50Okay.
18:51So I just have to think of a really giant good deed.
18:55That way I know I'll be in the plus column.
18:57I bet I can think of something great.
19:00I just have to put some thought into it.
19:02And there!
19:08That's perfect!
19:10I'll run a marathon and get people to pledge money for every mile let go.
19:14I hate running, so it'll be hard.
19:17And I'll have to train for it, so it'll take dedication.
19:21And I'll be helping cure diseases which no one likes.
19:25And then, I can get on with my life.
19:28No, no, no!
19:31I can't work like this!
19:34I'll be at my cubby.
19:37This will work.
19:39It has to.
19:58This will work.
20:40There we go.
20:50Looks great, Dad.
20:52Yeah, I don't know.
20:54Now that it's in there, it sort of makes me miss the old tree.
20:58This one's a little droopy, and branches are a little spindly, and there's no face.
21:04Well, there's that little one, but it's not the kindly little spooky face.
21:11Oh, my God.
21:14What have I done?
21:15Reese, get my chainsaw.
21:19I hear your son likes to beat up seven-year-olds.
21:22I wouldn't say he likes it.
21:27He's good at it, apparently.
21:29Look, in my family, we don't go for that.
21:35Probably not a good idea to poke me.
21:37Probably not a good idea to poke me.
21:39I'm sorry.
21:44I beat him up.
21:46But how was I supposed to know he was 15?
21:48He was huge!
21:49You should have seen the grip he had on my throat.
21:53Okay, people.
21:54I need all the pledge sheets before we can begin.
22:02Caroline?
22:03Malcolm, I am so glad you decided to do this.
22:07Now, where are you able to get any pledges?
22:09Here.
22:14I don't suppose there's a beer guy around here, huh?
22:17This is a charity race at an elementary school.
22:20Oh, so I have to go to a stand or something, huh?
22:25My God!
22:28Are these real?
22:29Well, I assume so.
22:30Why?
22:31Well, look at all of them.
22:33He has more pledges here than everyone else put together.
22:37If he runs the distance, he's going to raise over $8,000.
22:41$8,000.
22:50Ow!
23:18Ow!
23:18Perhaps her name is Mary, or Wendy, or Becky Lou, it doesn't matter, because her real name
23:28is Disease.
23:33Isn't so pretty anymore, is she, boys?
23:37Cankers, lesions, frunkles, such is the pro...
23:43These aren't the proper slides.
23:47Some hooligan has switched them.
23:51Now, this is obviously some ingenious scheme to humiliate me.
23:56I find myself so overcome with embarrassment, I can't stop clicking.
24:03Although there's probably one in here of a cadet who thinks he's all alone and, well,
24:12technical difficulties.
24:14We will resume the lecture with the proper slides at 0800 tomorrow, gentlemen.
24:25Remember, son, a good soldier always checks the chamber.
24:35Okay, this is going to sting.
24:46What is with you?
24:48Nothing.
24:51Usually you scream like a stuck pig when I put this stuff on.
24:55You've been such a zombie lately.
24:57It feels worse on the inside than it does on my knee.
25:01What are you talking about?
25:03Mom, I can't stop feeling bad about what I did to Kevin.
25:08I feel like I have a monster inside of me.
25:11Oh, for crying out loud, Malcolm, that's no monster.
25:19That's your conscience.
25:22You should be thankful God gave you one.
25:25Yeah, it feels great.
25:26I'm serious.
25:28It's a gift.
25:30And you know what most people do with theirs?
25:32They keep them in the closet all year, and they bring them out only when they think he's coming to visit.
25:37You're not like that.
25:40Good for you.
25:40But I can't stop thinking about it.
25:45You thinking about it just then?
25:49No.
25:50See?
25:51I promise.
25:52You will feel bad about Kevin only as long as you're supposed to.
25:56Now go to bed.
26:00You're a nice boy, Malcolm.
26:02And I'll kick the conniption out of anybody who says you aren't.
26:06Including that little voice in your head.
26:10Okay.
26:11Good night, Mom.
26:13Good night, sweetie.
26:14Good night, Dad.
26:16Good night, son.
26:17Good night, son.
26:17Good night, son.
26:22Good night, son.
26:23Good night, son.
26:24Good night, son.
26:24Good night, son.
26:25Good night, son.
26:25Good night, son.
26:26Good night, son.
26:26Good night, son.
26:27Good night, son.
26:28Good night, son.
26:28Good night, son.
26:28Good night, son.
26:29Good night, son.
26:29Good night, son.
26:30Good night, son.
26:30Good night, son.
26:31Good night, son.
26:31Good night, son.
26:32Good night, son.
26:33Good night, son.
26:34Good night, son.
26:34Good night, son.
26:35Good night, son.
26:36Good night, son.
26:37Good night, son.
26:38Good night, son.
26:39Good night, son.
26:40Good night, son.
26:41Good night, son.
26:42Good night, son.