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00:00The Lucy Show
00:12Starring Lucille Ball
00:17Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Oh, it's no use. I can't get it started again.
00:57This is a fine way to spend my vacation.
01:00Well, I'm sorry, Vivian.
01:07This thing sounds just like a wounded bull.
01:12Well, there's no sense sitting here.
01:14I'm gonna get out and see what I can do.
01:17Oh, for sure.
01:19What are you looking for?
01:33Well, how do I know?
01:35This is what everybody else does.
01:40You better get your head out of that thing. It looks hungry.
01:47Well, boy, we could sure use a man in this situation.
01:51We could use a man in any situation.
01:54Maybe a car will come along soon and give us a lift or at least send us a mechanic.
02:01It doesn't need a mechanic. It needs Medicare.
02:04Where did you get that fugitive from a junk pile?
02:08Now, Viv, it's all I can afford.
02:11It'll get us where we want to go.
02:13Oh, it will?
02:14Then what are we doing out here in the middle of nowhere?
02:17I was trying to save a little time by taking a shortcut.
02:20I want to see the ocean.
02:21I know, I know. Just be patient.
02:24Patient? I'm only out here on a ten-day vacation.
02:29Oh, I just thought of something.
02:31What?
02:32I saw a house a couple of miles back down the road.
02:35So?
02:36Well, so let's walk back there and call the auto club.
02:39Oh, no, I'm not gonna hike back two miles down this road.
02:43Why not?
02:44Because I've got skinny shoes and wide feet, that's why.
02:47Yeah.
02:49Stop squawking and start walking.
02:52Come on.
02:55Oh, good heavens!
02:57What's the matter?
02:58Suppose while we're gone somebody comes along and steals my car.
03:06You gotta be kidding.
03:09Well...
03:10How can I convince you that you should do this picture?
03:19I'm your agent. I wouldn't steer you wrong.
03:22Listen to me, dear. It's a dynamite pot.
03:25The studio is dying for you to do it.
03:27The salary is absolutely fantastic.
03:30Now, please, will you okay the deal, Joan?
03:34No, darling.
03:51How many times must I tell you I have all the money I need and I don't want to do another picture?
04:00But you owe it to your public.
04:02The studio gets thousands of letters asking for more Joan Crawford movies.
04:06That's very gratifying.
04:08But I don't want to work.
04:10You don't want to work?
04:12No, I don't.
04:13What do you call this?
04:14What, this?
04:15Yes.
04:16A labor of love.
04:18Well, I'm having the entire house redecorated and I want to make sure everything is spotless.
04:24Then why don't you have your maid do it?
04:26Because I want to make sure everything is really clean.
04:31Joan, I guess there's just no way I can persuade you to do that picture.
04:35But if you change your mind, you know where you can reach me.
04:38Don't call me, darling. I'll call you.
04:44Bye, Joan.
04:45Bye, Lou.
04:47Yeah, excuse the intrusion, but her car broke down and we'd like to use your phone to call the automobile club.
05:02Oh, please, it's right there. Help yourselves.
05:04Thank you very much.
05:05Oh, boy, I'm tired.
05:08We must have hiked ten miles.
05:10Oh, Viv, don't exaggerate. It was only two miles.
05:13It was ten miles. I got ten blisters to prove it.
05:19You girls must be exhausted. I'll get you some lemonade.
05:23Oh, please, we don't want to be any trouble.
05:25Oh, it's no trouble.
05:27Uh, please, just make yourselves comfortable.
05:32Make ourselves comfortable?
05:34Well, she meant well.
05:42What?
05:44Did she look kind of familiar to you?
05:50Come to think of it, yeah.
05:52Here's something you can sit on and rest while I make the lemonade, okay?
06:00And it won't be long.
06:02Joan Crawford!
06:05Oh, Lucy, she's my all-time favorite. I adore her.
06:17Oh, my. Oh.
06:18What's she doing here?
06:19What do you mean?
06:20This is terrible.
06:21A big star like her reduced to working as a maid.
06:25Oh, I don't think she's a maid.
06:30Well, then how come she's dressed like that and she's cleaning this place?
06:34I think this is her house and she's broke.
06:40She probably sold all of her furniture just to buy food.
06:43Oh, no.
06:45Oh, Lucy, when the big ones fall, they really fall.
06:48We've got to do something for her.
06:53You're right.
06:54How much money have you got on you?
06:55Well, let me see now what I've got left.
06:58I've got $6.
06:59I've got four.
07:00We'll give her the $10.
07:01Oh, Lucy.
07:03We can't give charity to a great big star like Joan Crawford.
07:08Oh, well, we'll tell her to pay for the phone call.
07:11What are you gonna tell her?
07:12That you had to call the auto club in Casablanca?
07:16Yeah, you're right.
07:17We've got to do something to help her.
07:19Oh, yeah.
07:20Maybe you could get Mr. Mooney to lend her some money.
07:23Mr. Mooney wouldn't lend a dime to Richard Burton
07:26even if he left Elizabeth Taylor as collateral.
07:33Oh, now, Lucy, maybe he wouldn't.
07:35No, wait, wait.
07:36Shh.
07:37Here you are, girls.
07:39Oh, that's very nice of you.
07:42Oh, by the way, I do hope you'll excuse the appearance of my house.
07:46Oh, your house is beautiful.
07:48Oh, yes.
07:49It's so nice and spacious.
07:53But it does look better with the little furniture in it.
07:56But yesterday they came and took it all away.
08:02By the way, I decided to have some with you because I haven't had anything to eat all day.
08:07Well, we understand.
08:08Oh, sure we do.
08:09Let's drink a toast to happier days.
08:10Oh, drink to that.
08:11Me too.
08:12Cheers.
08:13Oh, yes.
08:14Oh, I'm so nervous.
08:15Come in.
08:16Come in.
08:17Come in.
08:18Hi, there.
08:19Good heavens, it's the Smothers Mothers.
08:24Well, what ill wind blows you my way?
08:27Oh, oh, oh!
08:31Come, my dear, I'm so nervous.
08:33Good heavens, it's the Smothers Mothers.
08:41mother's mothers well what ill wind blows you my way i'm sorry to bother you on a sunday but
08:57i want to borrow a hundred dollars oh you've been sitting out in the sun too long mr mooney
09:04you've got to lend me a hundred dollars why well you see we found a famous movie star living in an
09:10empty house no furniture nothing to eat she's starving and i want the money to buy her some food
09:16a likely star well it's the truth now you'll never believe this but the star is joan crawford
09:24joan crawford yes meldred pierce
09:30how terrible why she's my all-time favorite
09:35yeah why joan crawford has given me hours of delightful entertainment i just adore that
09:42woman yeah girls i will personally lay out the money you will yes then we'll split it three ways
09:50let's go to the market right now and buy her some food huh oh mr mooney miss crawford doesn't know
09:58that we know who she is oh no we've got to figure out some way of giving her the food now without
10:02embarrassing her yeah well now wait a minute you're forgetting one thing what giving her food
10:07isn't enough we have to find her a job so she can support herself that's right i hadn't thought of
10:14that and it has to be an acting job that's right now what do we do well now let me see acting job
10:23act i have a friend who has a little theater downtown i'll write a play for her
10:30oh she's in trouble enough now
10:34no no i'll tell you what we do we'll go shopping then on our way to her house we'll put our heads
10:41together and think of a plan after all two heads are better than one yeah and we got three heads
10:47well yes if you can count yours but
10:50you darling i feel very flattered that they doubled their offer but even if they gave me
10:58three times the money i'd still say no i don't need it i don't want to work
11:06uh-oh i'll have to hang up now somebody's at the door come in uh yeah all right all right if you
11:15want to call me
11:26we would like for you to meet mr mooney he's the president of the good samaritan society
11:31how do you do miss swoony how do you do these are for you yes yep all for you yep what well every
11:39week the good samaritan society gives a prize to a good samaritan and this week you won it for
11:45giving us those refreshments and letting us make that phone call well this is very nice but i good
11:51good heaven what's the matter you're joan crawford yes sir i opened it oh it's joan
12:04crawford and he didn't even recognize her thank you i do appreciate winning all this
12:12and i'm sure you can find somebody else who really needs it tut tut tut miss crawford you were the
12:17exceptional person we never change our selection no in that case i accept with thanks your organization
12:26sounds like a very wonderful one now if there's anything i can ever do for you or it don't hesitate
12:32to call on me please oh we'll just call on you right now because our organization is putting on a show
12:37oh and you can star in it yes i don't know about that yeah it's for charity miss crawford you'll be
12:45helping a lot of needy people all right ah if it's for charity i'll be glad to appear oh wonderful
12:55wonderful good good we'll make all the arrangements and let you know you don't have to worry about a
12:59thing no i'd i'd like to be a good hostess and offer you some cake and coffee but uh you see uh my maid is
13:07off today oh now then we understand however i still have some lemonade left i'll be right back oh
13:17she's so nice oh that is a dear sweet soul yes she still has a little lemonade
13:26i'm so happy she agreed to appear on the show that's half the battle and when we do put on the
13:32show i'll see to it that the audience is packed with movie producers oh and when they see how
13:37beautiful she is she's sure to get a job yeah yeah here you are oh that's so nice of you i'm sorry
13:45this is all i can offer you mr mooney this is for you oh how nice of you thank you and this is for you
13:51my dear oh thank you so much and this is for you
14:01she gave her a paper cup because when we were here this morning she had i'll tell you all about
14:05it later well now let's all drink your toast to the success of the show cheers
14:21so
14:29so
14:31so
14:37so
14:51Say, Rusty.
15:13Yeah, cuddles.
15:16I hear that Sky Face has hired another diamond dance girl.
15:20Well, that's right.
15:21Sky Face is always hiring dames, and I'm always getting rid of them.
15:26Yeah, but I hear this one's a good-looking doll.
15:29So?
15:30So ain't she afraid she'll take Sky Face away from you, huh?
15:33Yeah, she ain't got a chance.
15:36Sky Face likes my type.
15:39Culture.
15:43Yeah, you sure got class, Rusty.
15:47Like what you just done with your gum.
15:49Yeah, class is something you're born with.
15:52Either you got it or you ain't.
15:53You can't inquire it.
15:55Come on in.
16:06Hey, what is that?
16:20Well, it ain't the flying nun.
16:24Maybe that's the new girl, huh?
16:27Oh, if it is, you're in trouble.
16:29What?
16:29She's really got class.
16:31Oh, stop.
16:34Excuse me.
16:37But do you all work here?
16:39Yeah, I'm Rusty.
16:41I'm Cuddles.
16:43I'm Cynthia.
16:45Cynthia.
16:45I'm the new girl.
16:50Oh, yeah?
16:51Well, sit down, kid.
16:52We'll teach you the ropes.
16:54Thank you, ma'am.
16:59Well, thank you.
17:00You know, I just can't tell you how happy I am to meet y'all.
17:03I just love being here.
17:06Well, now, look, honeysuckle rose.
17:11You're inside now, so why don't you get rid of that umbrella?
17:16Oh.
17:17Oh, I'm sure enough sorry, ma'am.
17:21I'll take care of it for you.
17:23Thank you, ma'am.
17:25Oh.
17:26Oh, so this is what a little old speakeasy looks like.
17:33Well, ain't you never been in a little old speakeasy before?
17:37Heavenly day, no.
17:39Well, then, how come you took this job?
17:43Well, I have to work.
17:45Oh.
17:46I'm the sole support of my mommy and my daddy.
17:49Oh.
17:49And my grandmommy and my granddaddy.
17:52Oh.
17:52And my four nieces, my nephew, and my five sisters.
17:58I'm also putting my brother through medical school.
18:04Well, honey, all you're gonna earn here is ten cents a dance.
18:08How do you expect to feed all them relatives?
18:11Oh, I'm taking all the doggie bags home.
18:15Well, go my weevil.
18:18The drinks are on the house.
18:20What'll you have, girls?
18:21Gin.
18:22Gin.
18:23Milk.
18:25Milk?
18:27But I never drink hard liquor.
18:30Oh.
18:31Oh, look, kid.
18:33Gin isn't hard liquor.
18:35Gin's just short for ginger ale.
18:38I didn't know that.
18:39Well, it's so.
18:41Oh, yeah.
18:42Gin.
18:43Yeah.
18:43Yeah.
18:48Gin, do, da.
18:49Oh, no.
19:14I, uh, sugar, are you sure you never had hard liquor before?
19:28Oh, no, ma'am. All I ever drink is milk.
19:32Well, you better keep an eye on your milkman.
19:37Listen, you ain't kidding me with that innocent act.
19:41I'm warning you, you keep away from Scarface.
19:43He's my guy, and I'm gonna hang on to him.
19:46We've been through tough times together, see?
19:49It may not show, but I've suffered.
19:52It shows.
19:54What kind of a crack is that?
19:59Scarface is coming.
20:01How do you all know?
20:02I recognize his milk.
20:11Okay, Chief.
20:13Hiya, Clever.
20:40Hi.
20:41Hiya, Rusty.
20:43Hi.
20:46Hello, baby.
20:50Hello, Mr. Scarface.
20:55That's Scarface, baby.
20:58Scarface.
20:59Oh, gee, Scarface.
21:01You're sure in a good mood tonight.
21:03Would you like to dance?
21:04I'd love to.
21:05Okay, honey.
21:07Not with you.
21:10Her.
21:12Music.
21:12You sit this one out.
21:29You sit this one out.
21:36Shall we?
21:37I'd be delighted.
21:38I'd like to talk to you.
21:57Yes, ma'am.
21:59I think you missed.
22:10Oh, yeah?
22:11When she takes her next drink of milk,
22:13she'll leak like a sill.
22:16Music!
22:16Music!
22:17Music!
22:17Music!
22:17Music!
22:18Music!
22:19Music!
22:19Music!
22:20Music!
22:20Music!
22:21Music!
22:21Music!
22:22Music!
22:22Music!
22:23Music!
22:24Music!
22:25Music!
22:26Music!
22:27Music!
22:28Miss Crawford!
22:29Miss Crawford!
22:30Miss Crawford!
22:31Miss Crawford!
22:32Miss Crawford!
22:33Oh, Miss Crawford, have we got news for you!
22:37Your worries are over.
22:39Oh, please don't tell me I won another Good Samaritan award.
22:42Oh, no.
22:43No, no, better than that.
22:45Offers for jobs have been pouring in.
22:49Jobs?
22:50Yes!
22:51Jobs!
22:52So, producers have been calling me all morning with picture offers for you,
22:55because of some benefit you played last night.
22:58Oh, the producers saw her in the show that we put on.
23:01But I don't want any.
23:02Oh, now, Miss Crawford, please don't let your pride stand in your way.
23:06Joanie, you owe it to your public to make another motion picture,
23:09even though you don't need the money.
23:11That's right.
23:12Even if you don't...
23:13You don't need the money!
23:15No.
23:16Of course not.
23:17She's been turning down movie office for years.
23:22Oh, and I thought you were poor.
23:26And I tried to get you a job.
23:28And I blew a hundred bucks for a care package.
23:32Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, as usual, this is your fault.
23:36Oh, now, Mr. Mooney, I thought she was broke, the way she was dressed,
23:40and there wasn't a stick of furniture around here.
23:42Oh, I'm sorry.
23:43I forgot to tell you I was redecorating the house.
23:45Oh.
23:46And, Mr. Mooney, your basket of food was not wasted.
23:51I donated it to a very worthy charity.
23:54Oh, good.
23:55Then it's deductible.
23:56Yes.
24:00I know.
24:01I'm deducting it.
24:07Joan, if you don't want to go back to work,
24:09perhaps you can help somebody else to get a job.
24:11Certainly, huh?
24:12Well, I have a picture offer for another performer
24:14who appeared in the show with you.
24:16Now, I'd like the name.
24:17It's me!
24:18It's me!
24:19No, I'm afraid not.
24:21The producer said he was interested in the fat one.
24:23Oh, that's me!
24:24That's me!
24:27I don't think so.
24:28He said a fat one with a mustache.
24:36Oh, well, when you've got it, you've got it!
24:49The Lucy Show.
24:53The Lucy Show.
24:56The Lucy Show.
24:57The Lucy Show.
24:58Thage.
24:59Google.
25:00He's pretty good.
25:01Doycare ball.
25:02Maybe you can catch the thief head on the other side.
25:04He's such a drink, Dory.
25:05Who shot a strong heart?
25:06He's such a drink.
25:07It's a drink he's such a drink.
25:09Me too.
25:10He asked a drink.
25:11Oh, well.
25:12I can catch the wine on the other side.
25:13You give me some trouble when it's in.
25:14I can't escritic coisa, great!
25:15I about an aquest drink!
25:16You give me some trouble when you'reoren emotion I've ruined,
25:17what I find the hot one with an allergy knife on the other side.
25:18Make yourself streets.
25:20¶¶