The Lucy Show - Season 6 Episode 20 Lucy and Phil Harris
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00:00The Lucy Show
00:12Starring Lucille Ball
00:17Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Oh, gee, Mr. Mooney, I'd be willing to work late every night
00:56if I knew you were going to take me to such a nice restaurant.
00:58Good evening. Oh, good evening, too, please.
01:00Oh, yes, of course, but I'm sorry. There'll be a small delay.
01:03Perhaps you won't mind waiting in the cocktail lounge.
01:05We'll wait right here.
01:08As you wish.
01:11Mr. Mooney, why can't we wait in the cocktail lounge?
01:14Because I know they're tricks.
01:16They'll keep us waiting all night so we'll spend a lot of money on drinks.
01:21Well, gee, couldn't we just go in and listen to the piano player
01:24and just maybe buy one drink?
01:26What, and have people think I'm cheap?
01:30Just one drink.
01:31Mrs. Carmichael, will you please stop arguing?
01:34I've had a very tough day today.
01:36But listen to me. Listen to me. We worked after hours.
01:39It wouldn't cost you a thing. You could put it on your expense account.
01:42You know that never even occurred to me.
01:46Well, don't just stand there. Let's go where the action is.
01:52I sit here.
01:54No, it's nice.
01:56You want to sit here?
01:57No, no, no.
01:58Nothing fun.
01:59Why not?
02:00Well, then, let's go.
02:01Phil!
02:02Phil!
02:03Phil!
02:04Phil!
02:05Now, here's the one we got.
02:06Huh?
02:07Huh?
02:08Hey!
02:11Agnes!
02:13Agnes, baby.
02:14Where's the cow juice?
02:16Here you are, Mr. Stanley.
02:18Hey, Phil!
02:19Are you on the wagon?
02:21Another hour, it'll be one whole day.
02:26You know, that stuff could turn you on if they'd feed them cows a little sour mash.
02:30Yeah.
02:31Here's your tone. Listen to this.
02:36What good is sitting alone in your room?
02:40Come hear the music play.
02:43Life is a cabaret, old chum.
02:46Yeah.
02:47Welcome to the cabaret.
02:49Ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:50Come sip the wine.
02:52Come hear the band.
02:53Come hear the band.
02:54Horn start celebrating.
02:55Right this way, your table's waiting.
02:57No need for many, that profit of gloom.
03:00Wow.
03:01To wipe all your smiles away.
03:03Smile.
03:04Life is a cabaret, my chum.
03:07Yes, sir.
03:08So welcome to the cabaret.
03:09Welcome to the cabaret.
03:10Welcome to the cabaret.
03:11Welcome to the cabaret.
03:13Ring.
03:14Oh, yeah.
03:15Oh, yeah.
03:16Oh, yeah.
03:17Oh, yeah.
03:18Oh, yeah.
03:19Oh, yeah.
03:20Oh, yeah.
03:21Hey, you're beautiful.
03:23We got a live one tonight.
03:26Ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:27It's awfully nice, uh, for you to be here.
03:29Well, it's nice to be here.
03:30I, I, I just love coming in here.
03:33It was nice of you to bring your dad, too.
03:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:38Hey, you might like this one.
03:41Love is funny, or it's sad, or it's quiet, or it's mad.
03:51It's a good thing, or it's bad.
03:56But beautiful.
04:01Beautiful.
04:02To take a chance.
04:04To take a chance.
04:05To take a chance.
04:06To take a chance.
04:07And, and when you.
04:08And if, if you fall, you fall.
04:10And if, no, if you take a, if fall.
04:13But I'm thinking.
04:15And I'm thinking.
04:16Oh, it's pretty.
04:17I wouldn't like it all.
04:20Pretty, pretty, pretty.
04:22Is that the way that goes?
04:24That's the way it went tonight.
04:30I don't really know that one.
04:31Well, that's awful pretty, but it, it's a little too early for sad songs.
04:35Yes.
04:36Uh, do you know you are the one?
04:38How does it go?
04:40Night and day, you are the one.
04:45Why don't, hey, why don't we quit right there while we're ahead with that one?
04:49Night and day, you are the one.
04:50I wish they'd hurry with our table.
04:52Oh, I don't.
04:53I'm having a ball.
04:55Fly me to the moon.
04:58Oh, please do.
04:59Give me a shot.
05:04Oh, Mr. Stanley.
05:05You get one like this.
05:06Mr. Stanley, pardon me.
05:07Oh, yeah.
05:08But do you know, is it true what they say about Dixie?
05:11Yeah, baby.
05:12Oh, would you, would you play that?
05:15Is it true what they say about Dixie?
05:18Does that sun really shine all the time she's coming again?
05:22Oh, sweet man.
05:23Oh, sweet man, all his balls now, now everybody's tall.
05:26Oh, do they laugh?
05:27Do the fools keep bringing their pots up till they can't eat no more?
05:30Well, is it true what they say?
05:31Do they laugh?
05:32Do they laugh?
05:33Do they laugh?
05:34Do they love?
05:35Do they love?
05:36Like they say in every song
05:40If it's true
05:42That's where I
05:45Feel I
05:51One more time
05:54One more time and the south will rise again
05:59Oh, boy, you don't hear songs like that anymore.
06:02I'll go along with that, lady.
06:03Wasn't that good?
06:06Hmm.
06:07Priceless.
06:10And you were very good, too.
06:12Oh, well, thank you.
06:14What would you like to hear?
06:16Kate Smith.
06:21Ah, look, pardon me. Any other requests?
06:24Oh, here's a whole lot of songs. Do you know all of these?
06:27No, well, I don't.
06:28I'm going to call my wife.
06:30What are you going to call her?
06:33You know, I never thought I'd be saying this, but it'll be good to hear her voice.
06:45I know what you mean, Dad.
06:47Oh, gee, there's some beauties here. Do you know this one?
06:50Look, honey, there's some of those. Do you know this one?
06:52You know this one? Do you know that one?
06:53Phil, I see you.
06:54Hey, excuse me, honey.
06:55Yeah, hurry back, huh?
06:59Can't you turn that dame off? I'm getting complaints.
07:02Look, I'm sorry, Ruby, but she wants to sing everything I play.
07:06Well, can't you play something she doesn't know?
07:08That ain't gonna be easy.
07:10I'll try.
07:11Well, try harder.
07:13Oh, hi.
07:14Oh, do you know this one? I love this.
07:16No, we got a lot. Look, listen to this one, will you? I think you'll like it.
07:19Oh, uh-huh.
07:20Watch this.
07:29You gonna sing it?
07:31It doesn't, uh, it's got no words.
07:33No?
07:34No?
07:35No.
07:38Thank heaven.
07:46Well, that's a very nice song. What's the name of it?
07:48Well, it ain't got no name, see?
07:49It's just something that I started to write a long time ago, then I never finished it.
07:53Well, you should finish that. That has the makings of a hit.
07:56No, no.
07:57Yes, sir, and you ought to put lyrics to this.
07:59Now, how does it go? How does it go?
08:01Da-da-da. Da-dee-da-da.
08:04Oh, hold on. Look, I'll...
08:06Agnes!
08:08Trade this in for a bourbon.
08:09Now, Mr. Sam, you know what Ruby said.
08:13Look, I don't want no arguments, and make it a double, will you please?
08:16With water soda.
08:18Straight. I can't wait for the message going.
08:22Now, listen to this. Listen to this.
08:24Listen to this. Now, Mr. Sam.
08:26We were in love like birds above.
08:30We weren't in flight.
08:33Half through the night.
08:35Mr. Carmichael, our table's ready.
08:37Wait, just a minute. I'm composing.
08:38But our table's ready.
08:40No.
08:41I'm starving to death. Come on.
08:43All right. I'm sorry. I have to go now.
08:45Oh.
08:49Never mind. Never mind.
08:51She's gone. I don't need it now.
08:53But I'll be back.
08:55Agnes!
08:57Agnes!
09:06I hope you enjoyed your dinner.
09:08We certainly did.
09:09Yes, sir. Thank you.
09:10Mr. Mooney, can't we stop by the piano bar before we go home?
09:13No.
09:14Oh, please. I want to stay. I was having so much fun and I promised him that I'd be back.
09:19Mrs. Carmichael, what you do is your own business. I am going home.
09:23Oh, Mr. Mooney.
09:25Oh, please.
09:26Oh, please.
09:27Come on, Phil.
09:28Come on.
09:30Come on.
09:31But it's not my fault, Ruby.
09:33That dame would drive anybody to drive.
09:35Now, look, Phil, I told you when I hired you back. We made a deal. If you hit the bottle, you hit the road.
09:40Mario, get him a cab. See that he gets home.
09:43Let's go, Phil.
09:44Thank you, damn dog.
09:47I don't need any favors from this joint.
09:50I can take care of myself.
09:52No, wait a minute. You're not gonna drive in that condition.
09:55I have to. I'm too stoned to walk.
10:07He can't drive a car in that condition.
10:10When he gets like that, he won't listen to anyone.
10:12Well, maybe he'll listen to me. He'd love my singing.
10:15Be careful of the rock.
10:22That's fine. That's fine. Thank you. Thank you.
10:27Okay, lady.
10:28Oh, listen, before you go, are you sure it's in tune? That's very important.
10:31I'll check it out and see.
10:32Please do, yeah.
10:33That's one of my favorites.
10:43Does the sun really shine all the time?
10:48Do the sweet magnolia blossoms like a...
10:51You grabbed me!
10:54Oh, no, no!
10:56I'm sorry I woke up your mother.
10:59Good morning.
11:09What's good about it?
11:11I was hoping this whole thing was a bad dream.
11:14How did I get here?
11:16Well, Mr. Stanley, when you left the restaurant last night,
11:19you were in no condition to drive.
11:21And I offered to take you home, but you couldn't remember where you lived.
11:25Let's look in my coat.
11:27Maybe it's written down somewhere.
11:29Well, I looked in your coat, and that's why I brought you here.
11:32When I was looking through your coat, I found this newspaper clipping.
11:36Phil Stanley, one of our most celebrated songwriters of the 40s,
11:41is another sad case of a musician who knew too many bars.
11:46I didn't know you were a famous songwriter.
11:49Look, that was 20 years ago.
11:51What happened?
11:52Well, now the whole scene has changed.
11:54My kind of music is out.
11:55Today, any kid that can lift a guitar and sing off key
11:59is making losers out of guys like me.
12:01Well, now I'm gonna make a winner out of you.
12:04You are a great talent.
12:06What you need is someone to straighten you out.
12:08What I need is a drank lady.
12:10Well, what you're gonna get is breakfast.
12:13Breakfast?
12:14On an empty stomach?
12:15It will do you good.
12:17Come on, eat your oatmeal.
12:20Oat?
12:22That's just what you need.
12:23Something that'll stick to your ribs.
12:25Ribs?
12:29That'll stick to a wall.
12:31What are you gonna do, hang some paper?
12:32Oh, now.
12:33Look, Mr. Stanley.
12:34I can't look at anything, lady, till I get an eye opener.
12:38You don't have to look at it, then. Close your eyes.
12:41Okay, I'm gonna close my eyes, but I'm not gonna open my mouth.
12:55Swallow it!
12:56Swallow it!
12:58Swallow it!
13:11Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
13:15I'll get even with you if it take to the end of my life.
13:19Oh!
13:20Stop complaining!
13:21I got something to complain about.
13:23A fine parlay I woke up to.
13:25You're singing, a bowl of oatmeal, and some clad calling me mother.
13:31Well, I gotta get to work, and that's what I want you to do, too.
13:34What?
13:35Get to work and finish that song.
13:37What song?
13:38The song that you played for me last night, the one that you never finish.
13:41Now, get to work and finish it.
13:44Hey!
13:45Give me my pants.
13:46They are going with me.
13:48And you don't get your pants back until you finish that song.
13:52Lady, if you don't give me my pants, I'm gonna report you to the police.
13:55Ha!
13:56You don't even know my name.
13:58Here's that lead sheet, Mr. Murray.
14:09Thank you, Miss Carroll.
14:11But Mr. Murray's busy, and you don't have an appointment.
14:13I'll make one.
14:14I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, Mr. Murray,
14:17but what I have to talk to you about is very important.
14:19Okay, I'll handle this.
14:21Now, Miss, what's so important?
14:23Well, it's about Phil Stanley.
14:25Phil Stanley?
14:27Boy, there's a name out of the past.
14:30What's Phil...
14:32Mr. Stanley doing now?
14:33Well, he's trying to make a comeback, and he's working on a song.
14:37That's why I thought it would be good for his morale
14:40if he thought that Mr. Murray was interested.
14:43Why me?
14:44Because, sir, I looked up all his old song hits,
14:47and I found out that you were his publisher.
14:49Yeah, Phil and I sure had a lot of winners together.
14:51I know, I know.
14:52That's why I thought you'd be interested in helping him.
14:55Look, Miss, Phil Stanley had a great deal of talent.
14:59Yeah, he could write a torch song or a ballad with the best of them.
15:02But when the trend in music changed, I changed along with it.
15:05But not Phil Stanley.
15:07Phil's the kind of man nobody could change.
15:09I see you haven't changed either.
15:12Look, I'm not brushing Phil off.
15:14If he's in a jam, he owes a bookmaker and needs a little whiskey money...
15:18He does not need any whiskey money.
15:20All he needs is a little encouragement.
15:22Now, if you're not gonna give him that, then I'm gonna take his song to another publisher.
15:27You tell Mr. Stanley when he's finished his song that Mr. Murray will be anxious to hear it.
15:33You will?
15:38Okay.
15:39Okay.
15:40Oh, thank you.
15:42And thank you.
15:43And when you see Phil, tell him that...
15:45Well, tell him Bebe said hello.
15:47Bebe.
15:48Okay, I will.
15:49You won't be sorry.
15:50It's a beautiful melody.
15:52It goes da-dee-dee, da-dee-dee, da-dee-dee.
15:56You'll love it.
15:57You will just love it.
15:59Hi.
16:00I did it.
16:01I did it.
16:02It took a lot of doing, but I stayed with it and I did it.
16:06You finished the song.
16:07No, I finished my oatmeal.
16:10All right.
16:11All right, all right, all right.
16:20Hey, I got a wonderful surprise for ya.
16:22Guess what?
16:23We're gonna have peanut butter and succotash for you.
16:27I'll see you next time.
16:28It's so sweet to me.
16:29I'm gonna have peanut butter with me.
16:32Let's see what a drink.
16:35peanut butter and succotash for dinner no this afternoon i went to see your old publisher jack
16:42murray and he said when you finish that song he's going to be interested in hearing it
16:46jack murray's going to be interested in hearing my stuff yeah oh hey wouldn't it be great if
16:56jack and i could get back together again you know back in the old days we made enough money to burn
17:02wet elephant baby i know i know oh by the way there was a lady there that said to tell you that bb said
17:09hello who bb bb huh uh-huh is that her name bb well um bb was a nickname i had for it was uh
17:31short for blue blood oh she was one of those dames you know from a finishing school she dug rembrandt
17:43play-doh she could read a french menu she had a lot of class
17:50she was a real thoroughbred yeah
17:58she got a little misty-eyed when i mentioned your name
18:01she did huh uh-huh
18:10she's better off thoroughbreds and mavericks don't mix
18:15hey let's get off that soap opera kick
18:21i haven't thought of her in years okay i i want to hear your song i told you it's not finished
18:26well i want to hear what you have all right i got the first 16 bucks well let me hear that all right
18:31you got it
18:40you were boston
18:49i was vegas
18:50you were crepe suzette i was pie
18:59you were lectures
19:00movies
19:02i was movies
19:06but i loved you
19:13you were mozat
19:13you were mozat
19:14i was basie
19:20you were afternoon tea
19:23i was saloon
19:26you were junior league
19:28i was dodgers
19:33but i loved you
19:35morning
19:36night
19:42you haven't thought about her in years huh
19:47now you stick with that and finish it i think mr murray's gonna like that
19:50well if he likes it enough to give me an advance you know what i'm gonna do what
19:54have our robe let out a little
20:01well thank you very much bye that was mr murray's secretary he left some time ago he ought to be
20:06here any minute hey lucy yeah i'm kind of jittery you know what i think i need before he gets here
20:13now phil another bowl of oatmeal
20:18and leave the lumps in it i like it over the rocks huh
20:21here he is
20:25hey lucy what
20:27hey win loser draw thanks you're welcome
20:35won't you come in mr murray hello hello phil hi jack it's been a long time too long
20:42she'll look great pal thank you hello phil
20:49hi baby i hope you've got a winner
20:55maybe it could happen again
20:58well uh let's hear what you've got huh well would you sit sit down right over here please thank you
21:03right here miss carroll
21:11well uh here it goes
21:34you were boston
21:38i was vegas
21:42you were grape suzette
21:45i was pie
21:47you were
21:50you were lectures
21:54i was movies
21:58but i loved you
21:59you were mosa
22:10i was basie
22:14you were afternoon tea
22:17i was saloon
22:19you were junior league
22:26i was dodgers
22:30but i loved you
22:32morning night and noon
22:35opposites
22:40attract
22:41the wise men claim
22:45still i wish that
22:47we had been
22:49a little more the same
22:54it it might have been
22:58a shorter war
22:59more
23:02if i had
23:05kissed you more
23:06you were polo
23:17i was
23:17racetrack
23:21you were museums
23:24i was tv
23:27you did your best
23:29to change
23:31to change me
23:33though you never
23:35knew
23:36quite how
23:40but i loved you
23:44almost as much
23:47as i do
23:50now
23:59i think
24:12bill i think you've
24:13got a big hit
24:14thank you
24:16did you like it bb
24:19it's the loveliest song
24:20i've ever heard
24:21oh i'm so happy
24:24well now that you're
24:25so happy would you
24:26mind doing something
24:27to make me happy
24:28anything what
24:30give me back my pants
24:36from now on
24:39i'll take care of these
24:50the lucy show
24:58you