Which U.S. President Would Win A Gladiator Battle? The (The Bracket, Vol. 167)

Barstool Sports

KenJac | The Bracket

Transcript

00:00:00All right, welcome to The Bracket episode 167. Today we have a group of Vibzy and Mook.

00:00:07They feel like the 80th time. The 80th time today because there's there's Mook,

00:00:11there's Meek, and then there's now there's Mook in White Lotus, the character. So there's two

00:00:16Mooks to one Meek and I keep, I've been called to Mook 18 times today and I feel truly, I feel

00:00:21very bad about it. I'll stop doing it. And in Chicago we have White Sox Dave, Rudy, Che, and KB.

00:00:27They don't know the topic today, but today we're gonna be doing, I don't know if you remember this

00:00:31one KB, I think you were the only one on for this one, we're doing another battle royale.

00:00:37And a battle royale this time of United States presidents. So the way this works to give you

00:00:42guys the little lowdown where I'm going to give you the seating of presidents and I see them

00:00:46basically just like kind of physical attributes. And the way it works is you get the president

00:00:50the year they were elected. So if you know what I mean, like if you get whatever, it's not gonna

00:00:55be when they're in the prime or whatever year they were elected. So the year they're elected,

00:00:58I'll give you these stats and then after that we're gonna do a weapon wheel where I'm gonna

00:01:02press the button, it's gonna spin and whatever wheel weapon they get is the weapon they get

00:01:05throughout the rest of this competition. Love these. So this should be a fun time. But before

00:01:11we get to that, let's talk about game time. The best part of college basketball is here and we

00:01:15know that you're probably as excited as we are to watch some of these big upsets throughout the

00:01:18tournament. Shout out to our boys over at Creighton, go Jays. I guess their big bit this year is that

00:01:22they love speaking in Russian. I don't know what I don't know exactly what that's about. But

00:01:26shout out to our boys over there, Doug McDermott. While we're streaming in the cave, you can see

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00:02:26Shout out to game time. All right. So Che, just to give you a heads up, we'll be doing today a

00:02:30battle royale of presidents. So you'll be getting seeing a list of presidents. Just wait. You're

00:02:35going to like it. You're going to get I'm going to show you all the presidents in the seating order

00:02:38and then we're going to do weapon wheel and they get whatever weapon they get through the wheel

00:02:42throughout the rest of the tournament. Uh, so to start out, we have our, and I'll put them up on

00:02:47the screen. Our 12 versus our five skeed, our 12 seed. Oh God. I love him so much. William Howard

00:02:55Taft. And I'm going to show him on the screen for you. Is he the fat ass? He is big boy. Yeah. Yeah.

00:03:01He is a big boy. I'm going to share him on the screen. Did he die in a bathtub or get stuck in

00:03:04a bathtub? Stuck in a bathtub. This guy is one of the most successful people of all time being

00:03:09president of the United States and he's remembered for being stuck in a bathtub. That sucks. That's

00:03:14a right guard right there. William Howard Taft, five 11 three 40 Jesus Christ. And you're getting

00:03:21him at age, the ripe age of 51 years old. And he's going up against, uh, our number five seed

00:03:28Ulysses S grant five, eight, one 56, 46 years old. Oh, it's a mismatch. It's a bit of a mismatch.

00:03:35And we'll just do the weapons first. And then that can give you a little bit of like more

00:03:38factoids about them, I guess. So first up, let's get, let's see what Taft has again. Huge man.

00:03:45Let's see. I want big man, small weapon, a spear spear. That's I don't know. I think that's a bad

00:03:52weapon for it. I think it's good. I think he can put a lot of force in that and he can keep people

00:03:56at a distance. Yeah. The range is huge. Where are they fighting? Is this like an arena? Think of it

00:04:01like a Chuck E. Cheese. Okay. Oh, it's brutal. GGs. That's brutal. And no weapon at all for

00:04:09grant. So to give you like a low down Taft, like he was an all state wrestler in. No, he wasn't.

00:04:16He wasn't. There was no all state in the 18. Yeah. Heavyweight wrestling champion of Yale.

00:04:21I believe it was Yale. He was all colony. Yeah. He was all colony. How many states were in the

00:04:29union in the 18 fifties? Uh, 25, I guess. He loved to wrestle, swim, bowl, and play all kinds

00:04:37of ball games. Okay. So fat bowling's a given. And yeah, we pick temple and then grant won the

00:04:44civil war basically on his back. He's the leader of the, all the, the troops in the, in the civil

00:04:49war. He was a, also a huge drunkard. Uh, I don't know what that half that helps or hurts him in

00:04:53this scenario, but that's going to be grant. No weapon sucks for him. So let's start with you.

00:04:57Actually, I'm glad you're here for this one. It's a big, big, Mark Twain wrote his memoirs.

00:05:04You know, I, I Ulysses grant Ulysses S grant. If anyone's going to like do some damage without a

00:05:10weapon, it's him. He's a, you know, a tactician on the battlefield. He could get around it,

00:05:14but I mean, Taft he's massive. He has a spear. You got to go Taft. He is just a tremendously

00:05:21huge man. Five 11, three 40. The age difference is nothing in this one. You know, that's what

00:05:26is it? Three years, two years. Yeah. Nothing crazy. It's a, yeah. 51 years old to let's see.

00:05:3246. Oh, okay. Yeah. Still that's, that's nothing. Yeah. So you're going to go with, uh, Ulysses

00:05:38grant. No Taft. Oh, sorry. You're going with Taft. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a big boy. He's

00:05:42got size. He's got a weapon. You got it. So one for Taft. Let's see what Meeks go.

00:05:47Obviously go with Taft. He's basically a right guard out there with a spear versus someone

00:05:51without a weapon. Like this is a no brainer. Yeah. This is the easiest choice of the entire,

00:05:55like bow rail. Oh yeah. So it was correct. It was, he was the heavyweight, uh, Taft was the

00:05:59heavyweight wrestling champion at Yale. Uh, Che. I mean, we're taking Taft is he's five 11 versus

00:06:09five eight. He has a lot of bad weight. Like three 40 is what I was thinking. Morbidly obese.

00:06:15That guy ain't moving around too. And a spear, you gotta like throw it and like stab someone

00:06:22with it. I don't think he's getting close to a guy who won the civil war. Like I think Ulysses

00:06:26grant just like waits him out and then kills him with his own spear. I agree. I'm taking grant.

00:06:31I'm taking grant as well. You took the words right out of my mouth, Steven. Um, I mean that

00:06:37he can't even move it that way. And you got to take into account he's listed at five 11. That's

00:06:42probably a program. He's probably more like five, nine, three 60. Right. So he's like even fatter

00:06:48than what he's listed at and shorter than he's listed at. I'm taking the speed guy.

00:06:53Give me the scat back. He's going to run right by him. So that means we're two to two right now,

00:06:57KB. I kind of agree with these guys. I think Taft in college, he was in the two hundreds.

00:07:04He was young, um, at 51 years old, 340 pounds. He's got to be very out of shape. He's morbidly

00:07:10obese. He's tubs of lard. And he got stuck in that tub, not because of just his fatness,

00:07:16because he was so unathletic, like he couldn't get out, stand up. Yes. I don't know how he's

00:07:21going to heave a spear. I don't know anything about spear throwing. I imagine it requires

00:07:26skill, strength, um, and in the field of battle, um, some type of physical shape.

00:07:35So I would like to think grant could outrun him and to a point where he can sneak up behind him

00:07:40and choke him out. Maybe I'll go grant. So another one for grant, we are three to two in

00:07:46favor of grant right now. Rudy, I respect the thought, but this is crazy. I can be swayed.

00:07:52He has a spear, but as a fact, who's like the throw it. He doesn't need to throw it. Spears

00:07:59can be used just to stab. It's a long knife, but you have to get close to the guy. Right?

00:08:02Close. Not that close. How long of a spear are we talking here? At least six feet. Probably

00:08:08six feet. Yeah. Yeah. This could be like, hold it really without getting around his gut. So you

00:08:14want to go, okay. So you want to fight against an offensive lineman with a spear and you think

00:08:17you have a chance. That's not an offensive lineman. Offensive linemen are athletes,

00:08:2150 year old obese man. Like elderly man. And just out of curiosity, what the fuck

00:08:29are you eating in the 18 fifties where you can even get to be that big?

00:08:34Isn't taft is taft is like 19. He was later. Yeah. Probably jello molds.

00:08:42Really disgusting casserole. Carrots and jello beef jerky. Yeah. I don't know. I could,

00:08:48like, I don't know how the, I don't know the mechanics of a spear is how heavy is it?

00:08:53You just, you can just, I don't think he could do that though. That's a lot of gut.

00:08:58I listen, it comes down to this. If he gets rushed and he misses that first lunch,

00:09:06it's probably bad, bad, but that spear, like it, you could kill him in a moment.

00:09:15Yeah. But they're fighting in an arena. Oh, is it an arena that

00:09:21gladiator type deal? Okay.

00:09:23Easier for tech. I would think that that would make it easier for grant because like an arena

00:09:28is going to be very large. Like the, I'm thinking that what they're fighting within gladiator,

00:09:32it's not like they're in a boxing ring or like a hell in a cell. Like he can move around and just

00:09:36like taft is not going to catch it. So we're going to get close enough. We're talking Coliseum,

00:09:42not like a hunger games arena where the, you can like, okay. All right. I still think taft though.

00:09:48But after a while, like they're both going to tire out. He has a spear. It's not gonna be a

00:09:54long fight. He's 360 pounds. Yeah. You're making him out to be some NFL player. Yeah. He's 53,

00:10:0345, 10. It's, it's closer to like, I'm trying to think of it in terms. Like it's, it's,

00:10:08it's kind of like Doug's versus like an alcoholic KB. Doug's is way taller though.

00:10:13And I'd take Doug's is way taller. Yeah, it's true. He's a lot taller. Yeah. Doug's is like six,

00:10:18four. Yeah. Doug's is a big, how old is, how old is Grant in this scenario? 46, 46. And he's,

00:10:25he's what height and weight? Five, eight, like one 75. He's clumber. Well, actually no,

00:10:30he's definitely heavy. He's like four climbers. Yeah. Close to me, a little bigger, but you know,

00:10:35you can whack him, whack him with a spear, stab him with a spear, weight on him. I think you,

00:10:40you know, I can, I think Tav, I think Tav could get him with one nice, that spear. I get that

00:10:47he's fat, but dude, like that spear versus no spear is just a non contest. He's going to be

00:10:53winded after he doesn't need to be five seconds. The guy runs at him and he just scores him. You

00:10:58think he's going to run at him? No. Grant's going to run at him. Why would Grant run at him? Because

00:11:03he's got to get near him. There ain't no time limit that he can just stay there. In that case,

00:11:07the Tav can just wait it out. Tav just walks him down. At some point he has to close the gap.

00:11:13Tav can take a seat. This isn't like regular, he can't filibuster a duel. Yeah. I mean,

00:11:19he can to an extent. How? If he runs around. I mean, that's not going to take too long when

00:11:23you're 300,000 pounds. He can just sit there and wait. It's going to take you 30 seconds.

00:11:27He can just sit there and wait. If he runs around. You got to get behind him. Then he just backs up

00:11:33against the wall. If he just runs around, he has to get close to him. I didn't take that into

00:11:36account. At some point, he has to get close to him. He doesn't have a weapon. I want to try this

00:11:40against a man of that size and age. At some point, Grant has to come to him. Just to see,

00:11:46it doesn't have to be a sharp spear. We'll give you one of those fake lightsabers or something.

00:11:51Like a bo staff. Something with no spearhead on it. Yeah, we'll figure it out. We can just get

00:11:55a stick from the outside or something. That's all we need. We just need a simulation here.

00:12:00I think KB would beat him. KB is much younger than Grant.

00:12:07This is like KB's dad versus Frank before he started walking.

00:12:14Exactly what it would be. Yeah, but if Frank was a world champion wrestler or whatever he was.

00:12:19Even though he's fat, he can still wrestle. I don't know. I keep forgetting about that.

00:12:24He was an athlete. Even if Grant gets in tight, even though he's fat and a little bit older,

00:12:28he's still going to have that wrestling DNA. I changed my vote because of that.

00:12:34So you're going to go to Taft? I'm going with Taft.

00:12:37That means Taft's going to carry it. I don't even know if I've ever swung anybody before.

00:12:40That would feel really good. The wrestling, it swayed me. I forgot about that. Good work.

00:12:46So does Taft keep that spear for the rest of the draft? Yes. I think he has to.

00:12:51Keep whatever weapon you get. Yeah. That boy going home soon.

00:12:54Now we have the number four seed, Zack Taylor, 5'8", 170, 64 years old.

00:13:00Zack Taylor, he's like kind of a forgotten president, which I think a lot of people.

00:13:04This is my boy, Zack Taylor, dude. Yeah, that's somebody's big boy.

00:13:07Yeah, dude. His name was Old Rough and Ready,

00:13:10because he basically fought like a thousand wars. He beat Tecumseh and all the Indians.

00:13:13Oh, I didn't know that. Mexican-American War.

00:13:16Mexican-American War. He beat the Mexicans, and then he got elected president after that.

00:13:19And he was just known as like this super hard ass warrior guy.

00:13:23He looks like old Bob Odenkirk.

00:13:26That's just like every TikTok dude's name. You know what?

00:13:29I was ready to call you crazy for that, but not a horrible observation.

00:13:34He's going up against Lyndon B. Johnson, who got a nuclear bomb.

00:13:39He was 6'4", 255 years old when he took over. He served in World War II.

00:13:46He nicknamed his own penis Jumbo.

00:13:49Oh, yeah. He's a fat cock, isn't he?

00:13:51You can tell by his facial structure.

00:13:53He has a very large penis.

00:13:54Yeah, there's like the recordings where he's talking to his tailor.

00:13:59He's like, make my pockets extra deep for my pocket knife and my penis.

00:14:03It's very weird.

00:14:04Big penis.

00:14:04It kind of rules, though.

00:14:06So we'll start with Zack Taylor first. What does Zack Taylor get for a weapon?

00:14:10And it's going to be...

00:14:14Trident and Net.

00:14:15Mace.

00:14:16No, Mace is great.

00:14:19Over for who?

00:14:21Mace spray is so debilitating. It's insane.

00:14:24Have you done it?

00:14:25I've gotten contact high from Mace.

00:14:29All my cop buddies said it's the worst.

00:14:32It is excruciating.

00:14:34Lyndon Johnson gets a sword and a shield.

00:14:39The shield actually kind of changes things.

00:14:41It does kind of change the dynamics of the Mace spray.

00:14:44So it's Zack Taylor with Mace, the spray versus Lyndon Johnson with the sword and shield.

00:14:50So we start with you this time, Rudy.

00:14:55Lyndon gets the sword and shield?

00:14:57Yes.

00:14:58And Zachary Taylor gets the Mace.

00:14:59Dude, so I was in a bar one time.

00:15:01I don't know to this day if it was pepper spray or Mace.

00:15:04I think it's the same thing.

00:15:05I don't know.

00:15:07And someone sprayed it and the entire bar sprinted out.

00:15:16Even if you're not hit by it, it absolutely incapacitates you.

00:15:20Snot coming out of your nose, puking, eyes watering.

00:15:24You cannot function at all to the point where even Zach Taylor will probably get

00:15:30fucked up by it, too.

00:15:31But if you get hit with a direct shot of Mace, you are doing nothing.

00:15:37You cannot do anything.

00:15:38You're crippled.

00:15:39Other than swing your sword wildly.

00:15:41Now, having said that, the shield can save you from a direct hit, but you're still going

00:15:47to be fucked up.

00:15:48So this is going to be two presidents sniffling, snot, puking, crying.

00:15:53One of which.

00:15:54Now, I've seen bug spray Mace videos.

00:15:58It's not like bug spray where it's just a gentle mist.

00:16:01It shoots rockets at you.

00:16:03It's like a water gun.

00:16:04It's like a super soaker.

00:16:05So if you can get around that.

00:16:07And I have cop buddies.

00:16:09They have to do it.

00:16:10Part of their training or whatever.

00:16:11They have to get Mace and Taze, I believe.

00:16:14They said it's the worst thing of all time.

00:16:16They're like, it's absolutely.

00:16:17It cripples you.

00:16:18Incapacitate.

00:16:19Dude, I saw in the bar.

00:16:20I saw a full grown man on his hands and knees crawling, puking.

00:16:24I believe it.

00:16:25I believe it.

00:16:26It was like World War Z.

00:16:28It was nuts.

00:16:30It just fucks you up.

00:16:31The Mace kind of fucks both of you up.

00:16:32But only one of them has the sword and shield after that.

00:16:35True.

00:16:35But I got a question.

00:16:36How much do you run out of Mace?

00:16:38Or has he got an unlimited supply?

00:16:40You definitely run out.

00:16:41He is a banana.

00:16:42He has a banana clip in it.

00:16:45Extendo.

00:16:45He's got a switch on it.

00:16:47He's got a bump stock on his Mace.

00:16:48Man, I have a really hard time.

00:16:51I mean, once he gets the Mace on him, he's got to figure out how to take him.

00:16:54This is to the death, correct?

00:16:56Yes.

00:16:56So once he's Maced him, he's got to figure out how to take him out.

00:17:01I mean, you could probably get the sword off him because he's just going to be so debilitated.

00:17:06Finishing him off is going to be difficult, especially with the Mace in the air.

00:17:09But I'm telling you, that Mace is just so overpowered.

00:17:14There's no way that LBJ is going to be able to have any kind of attack other than swinging

00:17:20his sword wildly, blindly, and hopefully getting lucky.

00:17:23So I'm going to go.

00:17:24I'm going to go.

00:17:26Yeah.

00:17:27One vote for Zach Taylor, KB.

00:17:29I was prepared to underestimate Mace.

00:17:31I think I'm still going to a little bit.

00:17:34I think at their respective ages, what, in the 50s and 60s?

00:17:38Yeah.

00:17:39Linden just has to hold on to that sword.

00:17:41I think he can block a good bit of that Mace with the shield.

00:17:45And if he just keeps hold of that sword, then I think, I think that's his battle.

00:17:52Yeah.

00:17:5464 years old for Zach Taylor, 55 years old for Linden.

00:17:58Both probably out of shape at this point.

00:18:00Yeah.

00:18:00Linden, no real.

00:18:02I couldn't find any combat experience.

00:18:04He was like a general.

00:18:06I couldn't find anything about his athleticism.

00:18:09But you got to think with the sword.

00:18:11Unless I'm underestimating Mace too much, he pulls it out.

00:18:15So I'm kind of with you.

00:18:16The other thing is that really depends on if he gets a headshot.

00:18:20And God forbid he gets if he direct shots his mouth.

00:18:23You're saying he honestly might.

00:18:26So Linden gets Mace in the face.

00:18:29Do you think he's incapacitated enough to not even be able to hold on to a sword?

00:18:34Honestly, yes.

00:18:36Okay.

00:18:36He might, might, might, maybe, maybe not.

00:18:39If he goes direct shot into his mouth, he legitimately might die.

00:18:43It fucks you want to die.

00:18:45All right.

00:18:45You might just you kind of are swaying me again.

00:18:48But I'm going to go with my gut.

00:18:51Linden with the sword and shield.

00:18:53I don't hate it one right now.

00:18:54White sucks.

00:18:54Dave Rudy's like Wolf of Wall Street salesman today.

00:18:58He sold me on the Mace.

00:19:00So I'm going to LBJ with the Mace.

00:19:02I know some loser cops who must have survived that pretty easily.

00:19:07How like by the sounds of it, it sounds like I wouldn't ever be like, fuck that.

00:19:13I'll do something else for the rest of my life.

00:19:16I'm going to look up some videos.

00:19:18So we are two for Zach Taylor in the Mace and one for Linden B. Johnson, sword and shield.

00:19:22Jay.

00:19:23I respect Mace.

00:19:24I also think shields get underrated.

00:19:27A shield not only is a blocker, but a shield can be a weapon.

00:19:30You guys know about Captain America?

00:19:33Yeah, I guess.

00:19:34What's stopping Linden from just blocking the whole spray of Mace?

00:19:38Right.

00:19:38The whole container.

00:19:39The fact that it comes out as a water gun spray is advantageous to a guy holding a shield

00:19:44because if it comes out in like, you know, how spray paint would come out,

00:19:47then it's like, all right, it's everywhere.

00:19:48There's nothing you can really do, but you can deflect a good bit of it.

00:19:53And then, yeah, to be honest, like you could just

00:19:55kind of go to town with a shield and then stab at the end.

00:19:58So give me a Linden B. Johnson.

00:20:00Stephen Shea sold me now.

00:20:02Forgot about the shield.

00:20:05I am again changing my vote.

00:20:07So now we have one for Zach Taylor, three for Linden B. Johnson, sword and shield.

00:20:11So when was Mace invented?

00:20:14Like I would guess like 20 years ago, but probably more.

00:20:16I was going to say Zachary Taylor doesn't know how to use Mace.

00:20:19That's the other point.

00:20:20It's like his body may not even be able to like handle any fumes at all.

00:20:23Is it not just a button or trigger?

00:20:26I don't think.

00:20:26How many buttons have they ever seen?

00:20:28A spring loaded button?

00:20:29Yeah.

00:20:30You think the button is going to trip him up?

00:20:34We got to consider that.

00:20:36He's seen a sword before.

00:20:37Yeah.

00:20:37I'll say just a switch.

00:20:39I mean, I may have taken him, but I'll go Linden B with the sword.

00:20:42Linden B with the sword is going to win, but Vibzy?

00:20:44Yeah, I don't want to underestimate Mace or Zachary Taylor.

00:20:49Zachary Taylor is a badass.

00:20:50I don't think some residual Mace getting in his mouth is going to stop him.

00:20:54But Linden B. Johnson, he's got height.

00:20:56He's got size.

00:20:57He's got a shield.

00:20:59He blocks the Mace spray, just backs him down, stabs him with the sword, kills him.

00:21:04Linden B. Johnson's winning.

00:21:05That's what I'm thinking.

00:21:06Yeah, I'm kind of getting.

00:21:08I get this.

00:21:09The shield changes everything.

00:21:10He is tall and gangly, though.

00:21:12What if he's got, like, Tate arms and can't even lift the sword or shield?

00:21:16Something to take into account.

00:21:17He's got a fat cock.

00:21:20You should go door-to-door selling Mace to girl dads.

00:21:24Yeah.

00:21:25You can market that shit.

00:21:27Yeah.

00:21:29I'm telling you, man, this stuff, I'm telling you, it will kill a man.

00:21:35So our next matchup is going to be as Linden B. Johnson with the sword and shield moves on.

00:21:38Our number nine seed versus our eight seed.

00:21:40Our nine seed, President Barack Obama.

00:21:43Here we go.

00:21:44Next one, 180, 47.

00:21:47He's crossing his fingers for a drone.

00:21:49Yeah, I mean, he's got to have a drone.

00:21:52He's got to have a drone.

00:21:55We've seen him be like an athletic dude, like whenever they have the clips of him playing.

00:21:58No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:21:59Watch his first pitch.

00:22:00It's embarrassing.

00:22:02That's just baseball.

00:22:02I'm saying, like, we've seen him be athletic, like playing basketball.

00:22:04He looks great.

00:22:05Like, more so than I don't think Biden or Trump could ever drive the lane in their life.

00:22:10But like, he looks like athletic enough.

00:22:13I agree.

00:22:14He's going up against our number eight seed, George H.W. Bush.

00:22:18I just spelled wrong.

00:22:196'2", 191, 64 years old.

00:22:23He was the former head of the CIA before being elected president for Reagan.

00:22:27And he was like the MVP of the World Series for Yale.

00:22:30Like, George.

00:22:32Really?

00:22:32Yeah, they're a big baseball family.

00:22:35Ronald Reagan kind of got all the credit for being like a macho guy.

00:22:38But George H.W. Bush was a badass.

00:22:40They own the Texas Rangers, I think.

00:22:43Oh, he's a fighter pilot.

00:22:44He was a torpedo bomber during World War II.

00:22:46He flew 58 missions and won multiple medals during World War II.

00:22:49Wow, OK.

00:22:50Yeah, he was also shot down.

00:22:51For some reason, he got the reputation of being like a pussy.

00:22:54But he was a total badass.

00:22:56Good to know.

00:22:56He is a pretty badass dude.

00:22:58So we'll start with you this time, Vibsy.

00:22:59George H.W.

00:23:00Wait, sorry, I should do the weapons first.

00:23:02So we'll do Obama first.

00:23:03What weapon does Obama get?

00:23:04Yeah, he's really praying, Rudy, for that drone strike.

00:23:07Oh, yeah, the weapon's important.

00:23:08Oh, this is Obama.

00:23:13This may work.

00:23:16I said Obama.

00:23:17Yeah, so brass knuckles for Obama.

00:23:21And George H.W. gets the.

00:23:25Oh, no.

00:23:29Oh, my God.

00:23:30All right.

00:23:30This is a good hand to hand combat fight to the death.

00:23:33Wow.

00:23:34I got to take George H.W. Bush.

00:23:35He was flying fighter pilot missions.

00:23:38Barack Obama was smoking weed in poetry circles.

00:23:40So I'm taking George H.W.

00:23:42Bush, baby.

00:23:43With the mace.

00:23:44With the mace.

00:23:45Okay.

00:23:46Physical mace, again, which is a long metal rod with a ball at the end.

00:23:50Oh, wait, what was the last?

00:23:53Different mace.

00:23:55I had to look it up.

00:23:56I was going to.

00:23:57It's a cool weapon.

00:23:58Yeah, it's a sick weapon.

00:23:59It's a metal.

00:24:00Think of like a metal rod with a ball at the end of it that is covered in spikes.

00:24:04I think it's probably one of the if I had to guess one of the harder weapons to use,

00:24:09though.

00:24:09How heavy is it?

00:24:10Roughly.

00:24:10No, it's like a metal ball with spikes.

00:24:14So pretty heavy.

00:24:15This doesn't 30 pounds with a chain on it.

00:24:17Not that heavy.

00:24:18That's like a flail.

00:24:19Yeah, there's no chain on it.

00:24:21This is just a stick.

00:24:22This is like a baseball bat, which he is.

00:24:25I mean, but it's like a baseball bat.

00:24:27He's swinging a baseball bat.

00:24:30I thought I had the shorter, but I thought I had the one of these.

00:24:33Yeah, it's like half the size of a baseball bat with a spiked spike.

00:24:38Okay, that's a motion.

00:24:39That's a problem.

00:24:40He was like the MVP of the World Series of College Baseball.

00:24:43He can swing a bat and off on Barry.

00:24:47Great point.

00:24:48So one for the George HW with the mace versus Obama with the breast.

00:24:51George's mace.

00:24:52That's all I need to hear.

00:24:53Just the mace.

00:24:54The mace is all the description of the mace was the mace.

00:24:56Yes.

00:24:57So another one for George HW.

00:24:59Jay, this stuff, because there's what?

00:25:0118 year age difference.

00:25:04Something pretty significant.

00:25:06They're both former athletes.

00:25:0864 versus 47.

00:25:10Yeah, that is.

00:25:11That's a lot.

00:25:16It's tough because I'd like to say Obama with the brass knuckles, but you have to get close.

00:25:20And if George HW has that type of item, it'll probably be pretty close to it.

00:25:28It'll be pretty hard to get close to him.

00:25:29So I guess I'm on Bush.

00:25:31Another one for George HW Bush.

00:25:34Dave, I too will go Bush as the former director of the CIA.

00:25:38He's probably got an innate ability to have people commit suicide on command,

00:25:43so he could just use that telepathic power.

00:25:46He's got as the former CIA head to make that happen.

00:25:50Should his weapons fail?

00:25:52I like that.

00:25:53I know one for George HW is going to win the KB.

00:25:55Yeah, I think the spiked baseball bat is going to enable him to

00:26:00knock Barack out pretty quickly and then just bludgeon him to pieces.

00:26:08Imagine, though, Obama piecing someone up with brass knuckles.

00:26:12It's a good image.

00:26:13Just backing him down like this and just clocking George Senior.

00:26:17Is there a simulator that exists where we can put all these in?

00:26:21Yeah, like a president death match.

00:26:25Yeah, it's like celebrity death match.

00:26:27Yeah.

00:26:29So the age is when they're president, I assume, right?

00:26:32Yeah, so it's 64 for George HW.

00:26:34Yeah, that is a little old.

00:26:36I kind of see where Chase is coming from,

00:26:37because I'm looking at pictures of George Senior when he's in office.

00:26:44Him swinging a mace, he's still got it, I think,

00:26:47but it wouldn't be as potent as you might think.

00:26:5064 is old, yeah.

00:26:51If he misses, too, it's over.

00:26:52You don't forget how to swing a baseball bat, though.

00:26:54It's over?

00:26:55He doesn't let go of it, does he?

00:26:57I mean, your swing would be so far.

00:26:59Like, your momentum carries you,

00:27:00and you're just completely open to getting punched and knocked out with brass knuckles.

00:27:04It doesn't help either that I have the image of my head of him

00:27:07in the wheelchair at the baseball game, just like, uh-huh.

00:27:10Yeah, yeah.

00:27:11With Tony Gwynn, just a couple of dead guys.

00:27:14When you're so old that you can't even close your mouth, you know?

00:27:18Um, but yeah, I don't know.

00:27:20The mace is just so devastating.

00:27:22The age thing is tough, though.

00:27:23It really depends on how heavy that fucker is, that mace.

00:27:27But given the baseball history, it doesn't matter, right?

00:27:30He's going to go on anyway.

00:27:31Yeah, he's going to go on anyway.

00:27:33But yeah, so either way, George H.W. is going to move on with the mace.

00:27:36Now we can do our chain game.

00:27:38First up on the chain game, good old Donny T.

00:27:41And the way it's going to work, by the way, for the chain game,

00:27:42it's just a bare-knuckle brawl all for one.

00:27:45So imagine it's like, you have five guys all in the ring,

00:27:48or however many guys, like, all in the ring,

00:27:49and they're all just beating the fuck out of each other bare-knuckle.

00:27:52So Donald Trump up first.

00:27:54He's just 70 years old.

00:27:57He's got the size, but 70 years old to start is just tough.

00:28:01Going up against James Madison, 5'4", 100 pounds.

00:28:05100 pounds!

00:28:06He's the size of, like, McKenzie.

00:28:08Oh my goodness.

00:28:09He's so small.

00:28:10He's the smallest president.

00:28:12Oh, I didn't know that.

00:28:13Yeah, 100 pounds is crazy.

00:28:16He's one of the prominent ones too, right?

00:28:18He was an early, very prominent one, yeah.

00:28:21It's a tough one.

00:28:22James Monroe is 6'1", 189.

00:28:24He's one of the heavier guys.

00:28:25That's a size guy, yeah.

00:28:26That's a nice athletic builder right there.

00:28:28Joe Biden, I just want to see in the ring.

00:28:30I just want to see him get in a fight.

00:28:3278 years old.

00:28:34Oh boy.

00:28:36John Tyler, 6'1", 160.

00:28:39Another taller guy.

00:28:41And Nixon, 5'11", 175.

00:28:43He looked a lot older than he actually was.

00:28:45Like, here, he looks...

00:28:46For sure.

00:28:47Yeah, he looks like a grown man when he's, like, just a kid.

00:28:50Like, his hair.

00:28:51I think it's his hair.

00:28:51I can picture him in this so easily.

00:28:54Like, come on, put him up.

00:28:55Yeah, he'd be a dirty fighter too.

00:28:58And then lastly, Ronald Reagan.

00:28:59Sorry, a lot of men.

00:29:016'1", yeah.

00:29:03Are they all going to get weapons?

00:29:05No, no, no.

00:29:05Oh, sorry, I thought you were saying...

00:29:06Oh.

00:29:07Yeah, they're all men.

00:29:08They don't get weapons in this?

00:29:09There's a bare knuckle brawl, all for one.

00:29:12Oh, okay.

00:29:12Everyone for themselves.

00:29:13They're all just in a big circle.

00:29:15And I think, theoretically, for this, it should be like a UFC arena.

00:29:19We close the ranks a little bit.

00:29:20An octagon.

00:29:21Yeah, like an octagon.

00:29:22All, however...

00:29:23We're just doing Hell in a Cell here.

00:29:25Yeah, it's all seven of them in a ring who comes out alive.

00:29:28So I'll give you the options again.

00:29:30Rudy, you'll be voting first.

00:29:31Donald Trump, James Madison, James Monroe, Joe Biden,

00:29:34John Taylor, Ronald Reagan, or Richard Nixon.

00:29:37Who's the youngest?

00:29:39Let's see.

00:29:40We got 69, 56, 51.

00:29:44That might be it.

00:29:4578, 58, and 57.

00:29:49So yeah, if John Taylor, I believe, is the youngest.

00:29:53And he's six foot 160.

00:29:55I mean, I got to take him.

00:29:57I got to take him.

00:29:58Because pretty much, in my eyes, Trump and Biden are out.

00:30:04They're just too old.

00:30:06Nixon, I think, has got some juice just because of his face.

00:30:09I think that he just looks like someone who...

00:30:14He looks like an old guy that gets into a fight.

00:30:16Like, would still entertain a bar fight.

00:30:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:19He's trying to eat up his at a restaurant.

00:30:21He's got intimidation factor, I think.

00:30:23Right, right.

00:30:24You don't want to fight that guy.

00:30:25Right.

00:30:25He's got all scuzz in him.

00:30:26Yeah, he's just...

00:30:27He's so ugly, he's got nothing to lose.

00:30:29Yeah.

00:30:30But I'm still gonna...

00:30:32I think he goes down swinging.

00:30:34But I think it's Taylor.

00:30:37Uh, John Tyler.

00:30:39Sorry.

00:30:39Yeah, same thing.

00:30:40So one for John Tyler, KB.

00:30:44I'm looking at anything to suggest otherwise.

00:30:46But yeah, John Tyler, he was an athlete, a college swim captain.

00:30:51He skied.

00:30:52That's, I guess, enough for me to say, at the youngest and at six feet,

00:30:57in a nice build, he would win.

00:31:01Another one for John Tyler.

00:31:04Bicyclist Dave?

00:31:06For as much shit as he constantly gets, in spite of his age,

00:31:11he is a lot more youthful in action, I think, Donald Trump.

00:31:15I think you gotta kind of age him down for this exercise in particular.

00:31:19I don't think he shows his age as much as some of these, like Nixon would, perhaps.

00:31:25That said, are any of these old school guys that have powdered wigs,

00:31:31did they do any, what was it called, gouging?

00:31:34Were they, uh, it was like wrestling,

00:31:37but they would like literally try to gouge each other's eyes out.

00:31:40It was an actual sport forever.

00:31:41Did any of them do that?

00:31:43Yeah.

00:31:43Did any of them take part in gouging?

00:31:45Okay.

00:31:45Well, in that case, then I am going to go with, uh, I'll go with John Taylor as well.

00:31:51Tyler.

00:31:52John Taylor.

00:31:52Tyler.

00:31:53Here's John Tyler.

00:31:54Sorry.

00:31:54Taylor.

00:31:54Jay?

00:31:55Yeah.

00:31:55John Tyler.

00:31:56I mean, he's just so much younger than everyone else.

00:31:58Like, there are only two guys that are close in age with him.

00:32:01Uh, one of them is a hundred pounds and eight inches shorter than him.

00:32:05And the other one is, uh, what was it?

00:32:08Nixon.

00:32:08So small.

00:32:09Yeah.

00:32:10John Tyler.

00:32:10Dude.

00:32:11But if Madison can get the ground and pound game going,

00:32:15he might be like Khabib out there.

00:32:17There's a boa constrictor just suffocating these guys.

00:32:20Five, four.

00:32:21Dude.

00:32:21Imagine him sprinting up behind Biden and just, and jumping on his back.

00:32:26It's like Ray Mysterio doing like moves off the ring.

00:32:28Like nine, six, one, nine.

00:32:31I would like to know how much one of my legs weighs to see how close it'd be to James Madison.

00:32:37A hundred pounds.

00:32:38In my freshman year of high school, I was five, one, a hundred pounds.

00:32:42And I was a tough son of a bitch.

00:32:45You're even smaller than him.

00:32:47Uh, so he's going to win, but.

00:32:49Why are we sleeping on Nixon?

00:32:50He was literally a playable character in Call of Duty.

00:32:52He survived a zombie apocalypse.

00:32:53Oh, in Call of Duty.

00:32:54Yeah.

00:32:55This is an important factor.

00:32:56That is true.

00:32:57I mean, he's strong enough to survive a zombie apocalypse.

00:32:59He can't survive.

00:33:00In the game.

00:33:01Other, I mean, it's based on a real story.

00:33:05Oh yeah.

00:33:06That's true.

00:33:07I don't know if Nixon was an athlete.

00:33:09I don't, I think he was in World War II though.

00:33:10He seems like someone who was like in debate club.

00:33:12You know what I mean?

00:33:13And he was like president of that.

00:33:15Yeah.

00:33:15Are you, I'm taking Nixon.

00:33:16You're taking Nixon.

00:33:17Nixon.

00:33:18I want to take James.

00:33:19I mean, if Nixon, if you could sell me, he's not that much older, but I don't know anything

00:33:24about his experience in like sports or combat.

00:33:26I believe he was in World War II, but like not combat.

00:33:28This is.

00:33:29He's behind a desk.

00:33:30Fists.

00:33:32Yeah.

00:33:32I want to take James Madison just because the little guy, you don't, you don't want

00:33:36to underestimate him.

00:33:37He'll, he'll claw and fight.

00:33:39But, uh, John Tyler being six one and like 180 pounds, like you gotta, you gotta, you

00:33:44gotta take him.

00:33:45Everyone else is too old.

00:33:46Let's see.

00:33:47World War II.

00:33:48Am I wrong?

00:33:49Was he not?

00:33:51I feel like he was in the Navy.

00:33:52He was in the Navy in World War II Pacific.

00:33:54He was in, oh, he got a bunch of medals too.

00:33:56Good to know.

00:33:57Maybe.

00:33:57Yeah.

00:33:58I don't know.

00:33:58Maybe we're sleeping on Nixon.

00:33:59Yeah.

00:34:00Cause Tyler is actually one 60 at six one.

00:34:03That's pretty stringy.

00:34:05Yeah.

00:34:05Right.

00:34:06I'll tell you what the thing is, it doesn't totally matter a ton because they're good.

00:34:09Yeah.

00:34:09What's next?

00:34:10Our number one seed, uh, which is of course, uh, Teddy Roosevelt, uh, just in the best

00:34:17men of all time, all time.

00:34:19Coolest human.

00:34:20One of the all time best just men in general.

00:34:22Uh, Teddy Roosevelt.

00:34:23He's like, he's like list of accolades is insane, but he's a boxer.

00:34:28He was the first judo and, uh, jujitsu brown belt in American history.

00:34:33Uh, he was trained in wrestling.

00:34:35He's an outdoorsman veteran of the Spanish American war.

00:34:37He was shot in the chest in the middle of making a speech, declined aid and continued

00:34:42doing a speech with a bullet lodged in his body.

00:34:45Uh, in obviously like he was out in the badlands of the Dakotas for years and years.

00:34:50Just one of the ultimate.

00:34:50I'll tell you something really cool about Teddy Roosevelt.

00:34:53So his wife and his daughter died within a couple of weeks.

00:34:57Each other, I want to say, and he was really upset about to the point where he wanted to

00:35:00just get out of the public eye and get out of politics.

00:35:03And one morning he woke up and said, I got to be, quit being such a little pussy and

00:35:08crying about all this unimportant shit.

00:35:10So know what he did?

00:35:11You know what he did?

00:35:13Unimportant, unimportant shit.

00:35:15He's packed up his shit and he went and discovered, or he went and just explored the entire Amazon

00:35:19rainforest on his own.

00:35:21He almost, well, he first wanted to do that.

00:35:23Well, yeah, I was with his son Kermit.

00:35:26He did Kermit was also the director of the CIA.

00:35:31I want to believe later on in life, he told his son, he's like, just leave me.

00:35:35Let me die here.

00:35:35I'm like, we're not doing that.

00:35:37We're taking you with us.

00:35:38He's like, yeah, fine.

00:35:39I think it was his mom and his wife died on the same day.

00:35:42And he wrote, is that what it was?

00:35:43Yeah.

00:35:44The light in my life is gone or this long detailed journal.

00:35:47And that was the only entry for the day.

00:35:48It was like the light in my life has gone.

00:35:50Yeah.

00:35:50What an emo.

00:35:51I love that.

00:35:51Yeah.

00:35:52He was a beast though.

00:35:53All time, all time.

00:35:55We don't need to talk about all the imperialist ambitions and all that, but

00:36:00probably my favorite president, I would say.

00:36:03Yeah.

00:36:04Walk tall and carry a big stick was assuring to him.

00:36:07Teddy bear is named after him because he couldn't kill the bear cub, right?

00:36:10Or something.

00:36:11I believe it was, but yeah, all time badass.

00:36:14So we'll start with Teddy.

00:36:15Let's see what weapon Teddy gets.

00:36:17This could play a factor as much as I hate to say it.

00:36:20It almost makes it cool.

00:36:21He started off as like a pussy and then he, like, make himself become a bad.

00:36:24Yeah.

00:36:24He can use that.

00:36:25Yep.

00:36:25That's all he needs.

00:36:26Oh, yeah.

00:36:26That's all he needs.

00:36:28That could be the whole, that could be the end of the bragger right there.

00:36:31Yeah.

00:36:33And let's see what John Taylor gets.

00:36:34Kitchen knife is a big thing.

00:36:37Yeah.

00:36:37Like this, like chef's knife, the name is a chef's knife.

00:36:39Okay.

00:36:39Chef's knife.

00:36:40Got it.

00:36:42Yep.

00:36:43Okay.

00:36:44Taser for John Taylor.

00:36:45By the way, when I say Taser, I'm thinking like the, uh, the one you physically need

00:36:48to press to someone, not the shooting one.

00:36:51Okay.

00:36:52Ebony Taser.

00:36:54Yeah.

00:36:54The shooting one would be too unfair.

00:36:56Well, there is also a gun on here, uh, but we'll get to that.

00:37:00So we have again, John Taylor with the Taser versus Teddy Roosevelt with a kitchen knife.

00:37:04Uh, start with you, Libzy.

00:37:06You gotta go Roosevelt with the kitchen knife.

00:37:08That's like Mike Myers.

00:37:11You can't stop him.

00:37:12Yeah.

00:37:13Yeah.

00:37:14And if he gets, if he gets Tase, he might keep going.

00:37:16He might get mad.

00:37:17Oh, that's not.

00:37:17Yeah.

00:37:18Oh, the bull moose takes more than that.

00:37:21Oh yeah.

00:37:21It'd be like, do you ever see that video of, um, the dude who gets Tase and he's like,

00:37:24I'm going to get you.

00:37:25He's got, he's got the cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

00:37:26And he's like, Oh yeah, that's an all time app.

00:37:29Uh, all time video.

00:37:30Yeah.

00:37:30I'm, I'm going Teddy.

00:37:31He also tried to run the third term with a bull moose party, right?

00:37:34That was yeah.

00:37:35Yeah.

00:37:36Again, electricity wasn't even invented for John Taylor.

00:37:38He has no idea he was a fucking Taser.

00:37:40So it's easily going to be Teddy.

00:37:42All you got to do is say, Hey, Mr. President, push this button, hold it up.

00:37:47He might use it on himself.

00:37:49Why would he do that?

00:37:50He knows it's a weapon of some sort.

00:37:52Funds weren't invented.

00:37:53Electricity wasn't invented.

00:37:54No, he, I, I, this is a good point.

00:37:56Someone, a president, he can't solve these kinds of problems.

00:37:59He's not watching the fights before.

00:38:05Gas prices aren't up to the president.

00:38:08So right now we are too fast.

00:38:09Wasn't even invented.

00:38:10You have two for Teddy and the, uh, kitchen knife.

00:38:13Jay.

00:38:14Teddy Roosevelt for sure.

00:38:15But low-key having a journal, kind of a pussy move.

00:38:20I think that was, he was for the time though.

00:38:23It's a journal, not a, you have one too.

00:38:26It's called Twitter at all.

00:38:28I don't think that's the same at all.

00:38:30What do you think he would say to you?

00:38:32What do you think he would say to you?

00:38:33You're like, I do movie reviews.

00:38:36He probably doesn't know what a movie is.

00:38:38Good point.

00:38:40Uh, right around that was like right before Charlie Chaplin and all that.

00:38:43And this Teddy Roosevelt.

00:38:44Yeah.

00:38:44He's yeah.

00:38:45He's I want to say dad, like 1920.

00:38:47So he saw some, yeah.

00:38:48He may have saw Wizard of Oz.

00:38:50He saw, what was the, the, the Klansman movie that Woodrow Wilson loved?

00:38:53Yeah.

00:38:53He was like, oh, that's got some good points.

00:38:57Uh, so we are three for Teddy and the kitchen knife.

00:39:00Dave.

00:39:01Teddy Roosevelt.

00:39:02I think that he would get into that fight and like want to be tased just to see what

00:39:06it would feel like.

00:39:07And then just go and gut him and go and like take over the world.

00:39:11Uh, Teddy was going to win, but KB.

00:39:14Yeah.

00:39:14Teddy Roosevelt is stabbing John Tyler to death.

00:39:17You could convince me that he already did that in real life.

00:39:20He may have done that.

00:39:22I don't know anything about John Tyler, but yeah, that's an easy battle.

00:39:26He got, he got shot in the chest.

00:39:28So on the chest and it started like hitting us with quotables.

00:39:33No, one more thing.

00:39:35Dude, it was a 50 page speech too.

00:39:37And he did the entire thing after getting shot in the chest.

00:39:41Sorry.

00:39:41I'm going to have to talk a little quiet.

00:39:42I got a shot bullet in my lungs.

00:39:44Yeah.

00:39:45Uh, Rudy.

00:39:46Yeah.

00:39:47I mean, clearly, I mean, Teddy Roosevelt invited the world champion bare knuckle brought boxer

00:39:52to the white house because he's like, well, I got to fight the best fighters and lost

00:39:57vision in one eye as a result of the fight.

00:40:00He probably dabbed it up with them afterwards.

00:40:02And it was like, good fight, man.

00:40:04Apparently, I think, I mean, I think I heard, this is from Louis and Shane's thing about

00:40:09the presidents, but I guess that he was like this, this like can't get out that I didn't

00:40:12have, not because he was embarrassed.

00:40:13I don't think, but more so it was like, I can't have people knowing that I've lost a

00:40:17fucking eye.

00:40:19Like FDR with a polio.

00:40:21Yeah.

00:40:21He was weak.

00:40:24He did go.

00:40:25I want to say it was like extreme depression after he lost his third race because he thought

00:40:30like the American people stopped loving him.

00:40:32It's just because he tried to form the own party and he split the vote.

00:40:35Yeah.

00:40:37But yeah, either way, Teddy's going to move on before we get to the second half.

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00:41:28I think that's, uh, is that George Clinton?

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00:41:46All right.

00:41:46On the other half, uh, let's open up what we got.

00:41:51We have the number 11 seed versus the number six seed.

00:41:54Chuck Rainey.

00:41:55Who's that?

00:41:56Oh, that's who's saying she's a brick house.

00:41:58I can't believe that that wasn't the Commodores.

00:42:00Fuck that up.

00:42:00Uh, so next up we have the six versus the 11 seed.

00:42:04The 11 seed is...

00:42:05Oh, the Commodores.

00:42:06It is.

00:42:07It is?

00:42:07Oh, okay.

00:42:08But song by, I don't know.

00:42:09We got Chester Arthur in the building.

00:42:116'2", 224, 51 years old.

00:42:13This is actually...

00:42:14It's a linebacker right there.

00:42:15Good dimensions.

00:42:16Physicals, just from the pure physics of it, like he's got the right build for this.

00:42:20And he's going up against, uh, Bill Clinton, 6'2", 233, 46 years old.

00:42:26Young guy.

00:42:26Uh, what are the facts we got?

00:42:29Yeah, Bill Clinton.

00:42:31Coxman is the only thing I wrote down.

00:42:32Was he an athlete in any way?

00:42:34He was like a Eagle Scout, I think, and a few other things.

00:42:37But like, I don't think he was...

00:42:37An artsy boy.

00:42:38Nah, he was a big time hippie.

00:42:40I've seen the college pictures of him in, uh, Hill Dog.

00:42:44Uh, and Chester Arthur served in the Civil War, but that's basically it.

00:42:48No other real crazy athletic achievements.

00:42:51Uh, 6'2", 233.

00:42:53Was he a little doughy, or was he like jacked?

00:42:55That's what I didn't think he...

00:42:56Most of the time it wasn't jacked.

00:42:57He looked more like well put together, but not...

00:43:00That's like kind of a...

00:43:02That's a good frame right there.

00:43:04Mm-hmm.

00:43:04That's like a linebacker.

00:43:05Wait, both of these are good frames.

00:43:06Both of them are.

00:43:08As far as a pure physics match, or physical traits matchup,

00:43:10this is both...

00:43:11This is good for both of them, I think.

00:43:13Uh, and let's see what weapons we got.

00:43:15Uh, for Bill...

00:43:16For...

00:43:17Let's do Chester Arthur first.

00:43:18Let's see what he gets.

00:43:20Chester gets the...

00:43:22Oh, God.

00:43:24No, a two-handed axe for Chester Arthur.

00:43:27For that size and that age, and that's actually great.

00:43:30He's big enough to use it.

00:43:31Yeah.

00:43:33That's gonna be tough to beat.

00:43:35Give Bill a gun.

00:43:38A hammer.

00:43:38That man with the hammer gets a hammer.

00:43:41This isn't like a war hammer.

00:43:42This is like a, you know, ball peen type hammer deal.

00:43:45A mincey hammer.

00:43:46Yeah.

00:43:47So, hammer versus axe.

00:43:48Chester Arthur versus Bill Clinton.

00:43:50Uh, who ended last?

00:43:51Rudy?

00:43:52Yeah.

00:43:52You're up first.

00:43:54I mean, this is gonna be very difficult to beat the axe for Bill.

00:44:00They're pretty much evenly matched up size-wise.

00:44:04If I'm gonna play devil's advocate for Bill,

00:44:06I would say that he might have to try to win the mental battle.

00:44:08Like, get in his head, be like...

00:44:11If he threatens, he's like, I'm gonna fuck you.

00:44:13You know?

00:44:13Like, he's like...

00:44:14If he gets in that, he's like, I'm gonna woo you and fuck you.

00:44:17Because I feel like that's what Bill does.

00:44:18Anytime he walks in a room, he like looks at somebody, he's like,

00:44:20that person's gonna get had...

00:44:22Get sexed by me.

00:44:23Oh, yeah.

00:44:23So...

00:44:25But I don't think that really affects Chester's ability to kill him with a two-handed axe.

00:44:31The hammer...

00:44:33It's one in a million, I think, that he gets in tight

00:44:35and hits him right in the temple, puts his lights out.

00:44:37But Chester with the two-handed axe is gonna slice up Bill Clinton.

00:44:42Like Nancy Pelosi.

00:44:43I got...

00:44:44What's a two-handed axe?

00:44:46Are we just talking just a normal axe?

00:44:49Try and put it together, my friend.

00:44:50The one that you have to hold like this.

00:44:52Yeah, it's not like a tomahawk, I suppose.

00:44:55No, don't think like a hatchet.

00:44:56Okay, okay, okay, okay.

00:44:59So KB, Chester Arthur...

00:45:00It's kind of in the name.

00:45:02But I just call it an axe.

00:45:05I assume two-handed for axe.

00:45:07Some people, when you hear axe, you might think like a hatchet or like a one-handed axe.

00:45:10That's also like a throwing axe.

00:45:11That'd be a hatchet.

00:45:12Two-handed axe.

00:45:13What else do you need to know?

00:45:15I was like, wait, what the fuck's the difference between that and other axe?

00:45:21KB's up.

00:45:23Oh, yeah.

00:45:23Unless Chester A. Arthur is a worthless pussy, which I don't think he is,

00:45:28Bill's gonna be all over the arena.

00:45:31He's gonna be chopped into pieces.

00:45:32He can't have a mustache like that and be a worthless pussy.

00:45:35So I'm gonna give it to Chester A. Arthur.

00:45:36Is that a mustache?

00:45:37That's just fuming hair.

00:45:38Chops into a mustache.

00:45:39He survived the Civil War.

00:45:42Oh, yeah.

00:45:42You gotta give him credit for that.

00:45:43Yeah, I didn't know he did that.

00:45:45Yeah, he was a quartermaster.

00:45:46There were no rules of war then.

00:45:49What's a quartermaster do?

00:45:50It's like...

00:45:50Are they just like cleaning the bugs?

00:45:52No, you get supplies to everybody, basically.

00:45:55Okay.

00:45:57No, not particularly impressed in this case,

00:45:59but he went through like a basic training in the army.

00:46:01Yeah, and just surviving the Civil War period, I think, is a big...

00:46:05Tall task.

00:46:06Exactly.

00:46:07So we're three for Chester Arthur, Che.

00:46:09Yeah, the only chance Bill has is if he misses with the axe,

00:46:14in which case Bill has an opening,

00:46:15but maybe running as fast as he can

00:46:18and just throwing the hammer out of an open attack corner.

00:46:21But yeah, Chester A. Arthur, I think,

00:46:24is going to advance fairly easily with a giant axe.

00:46:29Chester Arthur's gonna win.

00:46:31Chester, axe.

00:46:33Big Chester guy.

00:46:33Yep, simple.

00:46:34Always forget Chester Cheeto.

00:46:36Chester Arthur, it's...

00:46:37Yeah, you got it.

00:46:38Yeah, Chester's gonna move on.

00:46:40Now we have our number three seed versus our four seed.

00:46:43This will be an interesting one.

00:46:45Let's do...

00:46:46Put them up.

00:46:48George Washington at 6'1", 175, 64 years old.

00:46:54Washington...

00:46:54I mean, everyone knows Washington,

00:46:56but obviously general, led from the front in battle,

00:46:58wounded a bunch of times.

00:47:00Everyone was in awe of him as a human being.

00:47:03In that era, always writes about how crazy he was.

00:47:06And that's going up against our number 14 seed.

00:47:10H.W.

00:47:10Unless the other guy gets a shoe,

00:47:12he might be out of luck here, but I'm not sure.

00:47:15Man, because George Washington's 64,

00:47:21and George Bush is about the same size and height almost,

00:47:24you know, he's got a little bit of weight on him.

00:47:27Man.

00:47:28Well, let's see.

00:47:28Let's see what the weapons we get first.

00:47:30Okay, okay, yeah.

00:47:32If Washington gets the...

00:47:33Well, Vibs, what are you thinking going in?

00:47:35What is the...

00:47:36I think I'd have to take George Bush just because...

00:47:40So Washington gets a slingshot.

00:47:41Not great.

00:47:42Not an ideal, no.

00:47:45Like George, or George Washington's a badass,

00:47:47but George Bush is just...

00:47:50I didn't realize he was 64.

00:47:51That's pretty old.

00:47:52Yeah, nunchucks.

00:47:54Oh my God.

00:47:58He definitely owns nunchucks too.

00:47:59I would put money on it.

00:48:00Dude, he starts off that fight with immediately going,

00:48:03Konichiwa.

00:48:04He's so dumb.

00:48:07Like, I can imagine the nunchucks smacking him so...

00:48:09No one knows how to use nunchucks.

00:48:11Like, unless you're Bruce Lee, you don't know how to use nunchucks.

00:48:15George Washington's got range in this.

00:48:17Just kind of stay back, slingshot for a little bit.

00:48:19What is he slingshotting though?

00:48:20I mean, what do you think?

00:48:24He got like a bag of rocks.

00:48:26Oh, what is he aiming at?

00:48:28Oh.

00:48:30Like, what is he shooting?

00:48:31Yeah, what's he shooting?

00:48:31Oh, grapes.

00:48:33Yeah, David killed Goliath with a slingshot.

00:48:35George Washington's killing George W. Bush with a slingshot.

00:48:38I'm going for the real GW.

00:48:41Yeah.

00:48:42I'm going George W. Bush.

00:48:44Like, it's nunchucks.

00:48:46What?

00:48:47But George W. Bush has nunchucks.

00:48:49Did we know George Washington has aim with a slingshot?

00:48:52I would bet he used a slingshot more than anybody else.

00:48:54Yeah, yeah.

00:48:55On this list, yes.

00:48:56But like, he still may not have used it that often.

00:48:58George Bush with nunchucks though?

00:49:00But nunchucks are just like...

00:49:01He was nunchucks.

00:49:03I guarantee he has them.

00:49:04I don't think he knows how to use them.

00:49:05I think he knows how to use them.

00:49:07Che?

00:49:09This is tough because the size is pretty much a wash.

00:49:115'11", 6'1", not crazy different.

00:49:13The shorter guy is 16 pounds heavier.

00:49:16So like, I think that's a total wash.

00:49:18You look at the age, I think 10 years younger for George W.

00:49:22Um, George Washington has a little bit more fighting experience.

00:49:25But I mean, he's...

00:49:26I think he's cashing social security checks by his age.

00:49:29So, um, the weapons I almost feel are kind of a wash

00:49:33because they're both like difficult to use

00:49:35and don't have like a crazy, like, killing effect.

00:49:39Um, outside of Goliath, which I don't think that you're...

00:49:42is super realistic in a mono-e-mono, same-size guy fighting.

00:49:47Uh, I mean we've seen Bush deliver

00:49:51under pressure with that pitch after 9-11.

00:49:53So I feel like maybe he's got a little bit of a shot

00:49:56and maybe a little bit better athlete than we think.

00:49:58So I'm gonna go George W.

00:49:59Purely due to the age.

00:50:01He played college baseball and rugby just to throw it out there.

00:50:04So he could tackle.

00:50:06Yeah, and he dodged the shoe when that Iraqi guy threw it at him.

00:50:08Yeah, 10 years younger though.

00:50:10And you gotta take into account 64 years in 1776 or 81, I think it was when he...

00:50:17Right.

00:50:19...is a little older than 64 years when George Bush was... is alive.

00:50:22Those are some hard years.

00:50:24Um, and has anybody ever tried shooting a slingshot?

00:50:28Like an actual good one?

00:50:30They're so hard to shoot.

00:50:31They're like impossible to shoot.

00:50:32I don't think they actually work.

00:50:34Um, so because of that, I'm gonna go with George W. Bush.

00:50:38You know, with George W. Bush, 3-1 right now.

00:50:39But have you tried using nunchucks?

00:50:41Like, what is Bush gonna do with the nunchucks?

00:50:43What are they made out of?

00:50:46Wooden, a chain between them.

00:50:48You could also choke somebody out with them.

00:50:49That's true.

00:50:50You could, yeah.

00:50:51Yeah, you could.

00:50:52Yeah, I don't know what they're used for.

00:50:54Do we have any in here?

00:50:55There's probably some in here, right?

00:50:56No, we just have chain mail.

00:50:58Yeah, if you ordered a pair of bird dogs, you are a proud owner of nunchucks.

00:51:02But you know, we have a pair somewhere, yeah.

00:51:05So you're going with nunch...

00:51:05It's 3-1 in favor of George Bush with the nunchucks right now, KB.

00:51:11I'm just gonna go out and say that, uh, in this scenario,

00:51:14I think George Washington gets a good shot in.

00:51:18Which is all it would take, correct?

00:51:20In the head.

00:51:23You would debilitate.

00:51:24He would need to do that, I think.

00:51:25And I think he could.

00:51:27So I'm gonna go with Washington.

00:51:28I mean, if he used a slingshot and he hit him in the head with a rock,

00:51:31Bush would just be like, ow, what the fuck, man?

00:51:32No, it would fucking hurt.

00:51:34It would fucking hurt.

00:51:35Get him down.

00:51:36It's not a bullet.

00:51:38Dude, those things...

00:51:39I mean, he dodged a shoe.

00:51:40He could dodge a rock.

00:51:41Also true.

00:51:42Meek.

00:51:43Sorry, no.

00:51:45Dude, slingshots are...

00:51:48Yeah, you gotta think.

00:51:49I mean, look how he zoomed that shoe in.

00:51:51But he has experience.

00:51:54You can't discount that.

00:51:56So we are three to two in favor of George Bush right now.

00:51:58Rudy?

00:51:59I think George Bush wins this without any weapons, personally.

00:52:04Like, or no, excuse me, George Washington.

00:52:06Oh!

00:52:06Yeah, I think George Washington wins this without any weapons.

00:52:09I mean, dude, you're a serious war veteran with wooden teeth.

00:52:14Forgot about this.

00:52:15Like, he's a fucking psycho.

00:52:16He's a fucking psycho.

00:52:18So I think this is a history teacher told me this.

00:52:22George Washington would go out on his, like, plantation

00:52:26and find slaves that had teeth similar to his,

00:52:29and they'd rip them out and make a set of dentures.

00:52:32So he had wood teeth or wool teeth, but...

00:52:36And he had horse wood and human teeth.

00:52:39Human teeth.

00:52:40Crazy.

00:52:43That is a ruthless man.

00:52:45Yeah.

00:52:46Psychopath.

00:52:46Yeah.

00:52:47How's George Bush's teeth?

00:52:49Could George Washington use them?

00:52:50His dad owns the fucking, like, Rangers.

00:52:52I'm sure he has enough money for great veneers.

00:52:54He was in great shape.

00:52:55And I just don't think George is going to have any clue what to do with nunchucks.

00:52:59Yeah.

00:53:00Like, not a single idea.

00:53:03I think that even if, like, George Washington shoots the slingshot at him and misses,

00:53:09he just sprints at him and pummels him.

00:53:13Yeah, like Washington.

00:53:15So if we're tied up, I'm going to go with Washington.

00:53:18I think the nunchucks thing is, like, once the distance is closed,

00:53:21I don't think George Bush is getting a one-shot hit in with nunchucks,

00:53:25which means after that, it's basically just hand-to-hand fighting.

00:53:27And then I think George Washington wins that.

00:53:29I know the age thing is, like, it's 10 years,

00:53:31but, I mean, Washington's, like, a decorated war hero

00:53:35of hand-to-hand fighting in the Revolutionary War.

00:53:37Like, that's a killer right there.

00:53:39George Washington's a psycho.

00:53:40Who has more bodies?

00:53:42Oh, Washington.

00:53:42Uh, well, direct bodies?

00:53:44Yeah.

00:53:46Indirect bodies.

00:53:47Yeah, Bush has got, like, a half million Iraqis under his belt.

00:53:50I also, yeah, I don't think it's fair to, yeah, compare.

00:53:54Well, George Washington, I don't know.

00:53:56The technology is so different.

00:53:58Yeah.

00:53:59Yeah, it's like it's DIY versus a contractor, you know?

00:54:03D-U-I-N-D-N, yeah.

00:54:05So now we have, as Washington, the slingshot moves on,

00:54:08the 10-seed versus the 7-seed.

00:54:10I feel like we were really underrating a slingshot there.

00:54:12I feel like we really overrated Mace,

00:54:14and I feel like we really underrated a slingshot.

00:54:16I don't think we overrated Mace.

00:54:18I think we did.

00:54:18I think, I think.

00:54:19Yeah.

00:54:20Well, I don't think we overrated it.

00:54:21I think we were just like, hey, let's not underrate this.

00:54:23Let's, Mace is very good, which I'm fine with,

00:54:27but we gotta stand firm on the slingshot.

00:54:29That can't be right.

00:54:30That can't be his weight.

00:54:31Dwight Eisenhower, he was a, that can't,

00:54:33yeah, I don't think that's right either.

00:54:34What?

00:54:35There's no way that's, did I write that wrong?

00:54:365-10-1-11?

00:54:37Yeah, that's a lot worse.

00:54:40That's clever, yeah.

00:54:42He's 171.

00:54:43That's right.

00:54:44Okay.

00:54:46But yeah, Dwight is 171.

00:54:485-10-1-71, 62 years old.

00:54:50I mean, he won World War II.

00:54:52He trained tank corps members in World War I.

00:54:55He's a beast.

00:54:56He's an absolute beast.

00:54:57And he's going up against another beast,

00:54:59but a much darker version.

00:55:01Andrew Jackson, 6'1".

00:55:02Oh, yeah.

00:55:03Good God.

00:55:03Is that Dracula?

00:55:04Is that height and weight correct?

00:55:06That is correct, and I was shocked by how thin he was.

00:55:08That's clever.

00:55:10Yeah, 148, 6'1", is literally Chris Clemmer,

00:55:12except Chris Clemmer didn't start the Trail of Tears

00:55:15or, like, any other of the dastardly things Andrew Jackson did.

00:55:19But Andrew Jackson...

00:55:20A bloodthirsty psychopath.

00:55:22Yeah, he was a bad mama-jama.

00:55:24Yeah, real bad guy.

00:55:26I think it was the Revolutionary War.

00:55:28He was a prisoner of war when he was, like, 13.

00:55:30Yeah.

00:55:30And his mom showed up to the camp and was like,

00:55:32hey, I'm taking my son home.

00:55:33And they're like, all right, here he is.

00:55:35And then she just brought him out.

00:55:36He started and won multiple duels.

00:55:38He fought a lot of battles.

00:55:39The War of 1812, he won the Battle of New Orleans.

00:55:42This is the British, one of the few, like, big victories we had.

00:55:45Guys, he's just a bloodthirsty tyrant, a psychopath,

00:55:49and bloodthirsty.

00:55:51Just, again, he's a dangerous man.

00:55:52Survived an assassination attempt.

00:55:54Yes.

00:55:54Two pistols misfired in the...

00:55:56He was, like, I don't know, super old.

00:55:58He started beating the shit out of the guy with the cane.

00:56:00Yeah.

00:56:00He's a badass.

00:56:01Yeah.

00:56:01I'm ready to take him before I see the weapons, almost.

00:56:04All right, well, let's start with Eisenhower.

00:56:06What does Dwight D. Eisenhower, winner of World War II, get?

00:56:11Oh, good God.

00:56:11Well, Adam Jackson could use that.

00:56:13Jackson should have.

00:56:13He would have had a great...

00:56:16So the whip for Eisenhower.

00:56:19And if Andrew Jackson gets the gun...

00:56:21That's a sweet.

00:56:23Oh, no.

00:56:24Trident and net.

00:56:25All right.

00:56:26All right.

00:56:26Trident is still dangerous.

00:56:29Trident and net for...

00:56:31Are we all clear on the Trident and net?

00:56:33Like, what it is?

00:56:34What is the net aspect?

00:56:36The net is...

00:56:37Just imagine...

00:56:38It was in, like, Gladiator and all those other, like, Gladiator time movies.

00:56:40Like, you throw a net at them to, like, stop them from being able to move their arms

00:56:45and, like, weapons and whatever, because they get, like, dulled by the...

00:56:48Whatever's the...

00:56:49Why do you get that with the Trident?

00:56:50Why don't you...

00:56:51Seems to be what they always give you in every Gladiator war or picture battle,

00:56:55like, any description of it.

00:56:56It's like you get a Trident and you get a net, and you throw the net,

00:56:58and then you stab him with the Trident for whatever reason.

00:57:01The Trident's, like, the big fork thing, right?

00:57:03Yeah.

00:57:03Poseidon, yeah.

00:57:04Yeah.

00:57:05So, Eisenhower with the whip versus Andrew Jackson with the Trident and net.

00:57:11Let's start with you, Rudy.

00:57:12I mean, it's Andrew Jackson.

00:57:14Forget the net.

00:57:15Just with the Trident, he will eviscerate Dwight with just a whip.

00:57:20A whip can cause damage, but a Trident can kill immediately.

00:57:24So it's no question.

00:57:25Did Dwight serve in World War I?

00:57:28He trained the United States Tank Corps.

00:57:32But that's World War II.

00:57:33No, in World War I.

00:57:34No.

00:57:34So did he fight?

00:57:35He was a little bigger than that.

00:57:37In World War II, he was, like, the leader of all allies.

00:57:39I know that, but did he ever fight?

00:57:41He stormed the beaches in Normandy.

00:57:43No, he didn't.

00:57:43He said, go to the beaches.

00:57:44Yeah, that's what he did.

00:57:45Yeah.

00:57:45But that's still pretty badass.

00:57:47Not really.

00:57:49But for physical combat purposes, it is important to differentiate.

00:57:51Yeah, that's what I mean.

00:57:52Like, physically, he didn't fight.

00:57:54No, I would imagine that since he was a Supreme Allied Commander,

00:57:58that he definitely fought in war over the course of those 25 years.

00:58:03That's what I'm asking.

00:58:04For what is on his wiki, he never saw physical combat.

00:58:06He just missed going.

00:58:08He got assigned to go into World War I finally, but then the armistice happened.

00:58:11But before that, he'd been training the entire United States Tank Corps.

00:58:14I'm not discounting his achievements.

00:58:16I mean, he's a beast.

00:58:17But in terms of he didn't actually.

00:58:19I mean, Andrew Jackson won multiple duels in his free time.

00:58:22Vibs, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Dwight Eisenhower's nickname Old Blooding Guts?

00:58:30That was Patton.

00:58:31Okay, that was Patton.

00:58:32All right.

00:58:33I was going to use that as a point for Eisenhower.

00:58:36Yeah.

00:58:36Eisenhower wasn't even like the most badass of the generals.

00:58:38Like, he had Patton.

00:58:40Yeah.

00:58:40I think Eisenhower is like the intellectual, like.

00:58:45Corporate.

00:58:45He's very corporate, I'd say.

00:58:48So you're going to go with Andrew Jackson that tried to net, KB?

00:58:53Yeah.

00:58:54Andrew Jackson, he loved to kill.

00:58:57I think he just started recreational genocides on Native Americans.

00:59:01This man loves to kill.

00:59:03He wants to kill.

00:59:04And he's going to win with a trident.

00:59:06He really does look like a vampire in the picture.

00:59:09He looks like a supervillain.

00:59:10Yeah.

00:59:11So another one for Andrew Jackson.

00:59:13He looks like someone just told him his duel was canceled.

00:59:19He's all disappointed.

00:59:21Dave.

00:59:23I wanted to go Dwight D. Eisenhower based on I know way more about him.

00:59:28And I like that learning about that era history.

00:59:31However, Andrew Jackson, he's like the biggest piece of shit in history.

00:59:35And as KB said, he just killed for sport.

00:59:37So I think you got to give it to him.

00:59:40Andrew Jackson.

00:59:40Che.

00:59:42I mean, the size difference is like 30 pounds.

00:59:46This is a weapons thing.

00:59:48Yeah.

00:59:49But like.

00:59:50I got to say, hold on one sec.

00:59:52What if you use the spear to like grab the trident and rip it out of earth?

00:59:56That's exactly what I was thinking.

00:59:58You know what I mean?

00:59:59Yeah.

00:59:59It depends on how good you are.

01:00:01I suppose.

01:00:02Jackson's used a whip.

01:00:03Jackson's definitely used a whip.

01:00:04But I don't know if Eisenhower ever has.

01:00:06Yeah.

01:00:06I mean, a whip can be a pretty devastating.

01:00:08For sure.

01:00:09Yeah, probably.

01:00:11Don't you guys do the rat tail thing down in your little giggle podcast?

01:00:17The towel?

01:00:17Yeah.

01:00:18The towel.

01:00:19That's a great show.

01:00:21Yeah.

01:00:21So I mean, the trident, you're not really going to throw that.

01:00:26That's more of a sword type thing.

01:00:29I don't know if you're getting that close to somebody that has a whip.

01:00:32But like you could hurt yourself.

01:00:33That's like an Indiana Jones three.

01:00:35Like he hurts himself with the whip.

01:00:36Yeah.

01:00:36But like he whips it once.

01:00:38Then he's got to draw it back.

01:00:39And then as soon as you get inside that range, it's useless.

01:00:43Yeah, I guess that's true.

01:00:44Dwight D Eisenhower in this photo does look like he's telling kids to not use drugs for

01:00:48like an after school special.

01:00:50So I guess give me Andrew Jackson with his Clemmer type body.

01:00:54$20 bill.

01:00:55I do think that Eisenhower had drafted plans to send a preemptive nuclear strike on the

01:01:00Soviet Union.

01:01:01I think that was MacArthur, but I'm not sure.

01:01:05Go for three.

01:01:07I could have just been making sure.

01:01:08MacArthur wanted to also nuke North Korea during the Korean War.

01:01:10Like he demanded we nuke them.

01:01:12And I believe Eisenhower was like, no, we're not doing that.

01:01:16So we are three for Andrew Jackson right now.

01:01:18Che.

01:01:19Jackson.

01:01:20Jackson.

01:01:21Andrew Jackson.

01:01:22Clean sweep.

01:01:23Clean sweep.

01:01:24Yeah.

01:01:24And he's going to be a tough one to beat.

01:01:26I didn't get the gun, though.

01:01:28So that is huge.

01:01:28And one of these last two guys is going to get the gun, which is going to be a massive

01:01:32man.

01:01:32It would have been awesome if Biden got the gun.

01:01:37Just because it would have been the only way to make him somewhat threatening.

01:01:40Could be the guy that was killed by the thing that killed him could end up being Abe Lincoln.

01:01:45Abe Lincoln, 64, 180, former wrestler.

01:01:48He had a 301 record as a wrestler.

01:01:50Was he killed by a musket or a pistol?

01:01:52Musket.

01:01:53Musket.

01:01:54But it was a pistol.

01:01:57Yeah.

01:01:59But it is Abe Lincoln, and he's going up against and it didn't plan it to be this way, but

01:02:02it ended up being just another guy that got assassinated.

01:02:05JFK is our 15th seed.

01:02:07So JFK, war hero.

01:02:10He was a big college athlete.

01:02:12He did like all athletics and stuff throughout his life.

01:02:15World War II, he was a PT 109, like escaped the Japanese patrols and stuff.

01:02:20But his boat got destroyed.

01:02:22But he had fucked a lot, too.

01:02:24Big.

01:02:24He's probably the biggest fucker on this entire thing.

01:02:27Him or Slick Willy.

01:02:28I think of him.

01:02:29I think it was JFK.

01:02:30Everyone, all the stories about him are crazy.

01:02:32Oh, for sure.

01:02:32Yeah, he was.

01:02:33He was in the celebs, too.

01:02:34Hoxman.

01:02:35Yeah.

01:02:35He also had a really messed up back.

01:02:37Yeah, he was not a healthy dude.

01:02:39He was like getting like shots of shit in them all the time.

01:02:42Like he had like rickets or something like that.

01:02:44He wasn't healthy.

01:02:45I think it was his back specifically was super fucked up, but I'd forget exactly how he managed

01:02:49it.

01:02:49Yeah, it's like scurvy when he was a kid or something like that.

01:02:52He's not.

01:02:52Yeah.

01:02:53So we'll start with Abe Lincoln.

01:02:54What does Abe Lincoln get?

01:02:55This could be game over for everybody if they get the wrestler.

01:03:00Oh, God.

01:03:02JFK with the gun.

01:03:05So that means Abe Lincoln is going to get the bow and arrow, which I wouldn't be surprised

01:03:08if he's used before.

01:03:10I was definitely imagine.

01:03:12Definitely.

01:03:13And JFK gets a we said was a musket musket with one shot.

01:03:18Man, he was two shot, to be fair, in real life.

01:03:21Yeah.

01:03:22Uh, so three, right?

01:03:23Three.

01:03:24At least let's go pull up.

01:03:25Darren Bell's tweet.

01:03:26Yeah, we'll figure it out from there.

01:03:29So start with you, Vibs.

01:03:30Abe Lincoln with the bow and arrow versus JFK with the musket.

01:03:33One shot.

01:03:33All you get.

01:03:34Yeah, that's tough.

01:03:37But JFK obviously has like military training.

01:03:40He knows how to use a gun.

01:03:42I don't.

01:03:43He probably didn't use a musket, but he can aim.

01:03:46You only need one shot.

01:03:47You only need one shot.

01:03:48He can aim.

01:03:49I'm giving it to JFK.

01:03:51One.

01:03:51I'd like Abe Lincoln.

01:03:52He has the wrestling background, but I just don't think you can overcome the gun.

01:03:55JFK, another Call of Duty zombies character.

01:03:57He knows how to use a gun.

01:03:58I have to point that out.

01:04:00He could probably pack a punch it.

01:04:01Yep.

01:04:02Yeah.

01:04:02I will be taking JFK with the musket.

01:04:04All your presidential knowledge coming via Call of Duty.

01:04:06Oh, yeah.

01:04:08Video games, they're good for something.

01:04:09Two for JFK.

01:04:10Uh, Che.

01:04:12This is tough because Abe Lincoln like size wise are pretty similar.

01:04:16He is nine years older at 301 in wrestling.

01:04:20It's crazy.

01:04:21It depends if he has some of the musket shot.

01:04:23Hey, I'm pretty sure I could beat Ruan Gardner in a fight if it was just him versus me with a gun.

01:04:30If it's a musket, you have one shot because musket.

01:04:34Well, yeah, I was huge, right?

01:04:36I got a question.

01:04:37Do you have to load the musket?

01:04:39No, I think it comes loaded.

01:04:40Okay, I think it should come loaded.

01:04:41Yeah.

01:04:42Yeah, because that's the one you got to like do all the extra shit.

01:04:44If it wasn't loaded, it's an unfair advantage.

01:04:46Yeah, it's definitely loaded.

01:04:48Yeah, I guess you got to go JFK.

01:04:50If you had military training, you got to assume he can aim a musket.

01:04:54So, yeah, you got to go him.

01:04:55Three for JFK.

01:04:57Uh, Dave.

01:04:58JFK.

01:05:00JFK is going to win, but KB.

01:05:03Yeah, with the gun, you got to go with him.

01:05:07Yeah, Rudy.

01:05:08I don't know.

01:05:09I disagree, actually.

01:05:10First of all, you can't hit shit with those muskets.

01:05:13They were very inaccurate.

01:05:14Insanely inaccurate.

01:05:15So he gets one total shot.

01:05:17One shot, and then he'll be ready to go again.

01:05:19So he's got to nail the shot.

01:05:20And in the meantime.

01:05:21And it might not even be a lethal shot.

01:05:23Lincoln can still get the arrow off.

01:05:26Lincoln only went out in one shot.

01:05:28But that was point blank.

01:05:29It was in the back of the head.

01:05:31Yeah, I think if you get hit with the musket, you're not going to be able to like recover

01:05:36and get a bow and arrow and, you know, get a shot.

01:05:38I think, I don't know.

01:05:40I mean, yeah, I guess I don't know how lethal a musket is, but.

01:05:44And at what range and where it hits them.

01:05:47But I think even if Lincoln gets hit with the musket and he gets an arrow shot off,

01:05:51he can just you can just another arrow, another arrow, another arrow.

01:05:55And he's still arrows that you have.

01:05:56I'm assuming you get like a quarrel of arrows.

01:05:59Okay.

01:05:59Yeah.

01:06:00I mean, this is actually.

01:06:02I think I think the bow and arrow at all.

01:06:04Like, I don't think hitting.

01:06:06I think it's easier for Abe Lincoln to hit JFK with a bow and arrow than it would be

01:06:11for JFK to hit a perfect shot with a musket.

01:06:13I disagree.

01:06:14No.

01:06:15What kind of bow and arrow are we talking?

01:06:17Are we talking like an old like Robin Hood bow and arrow?

01:06:20Composite bow.

01:06:21So like a PSC, nice Sidney Wells type bow.

01:06:25And I don't think I can arrow a bow and arrow like that.

01:06:26I don't think they know how to use that.

01:06:28Like it's the same thing.

01:06:29You just pull it back, but it's a lot more accurate.

01:06:31Dummy proofs it like I use it and I can hit shit with it.

01:06:35Okay, let's say that then.

01:06:36Wait, Vibs, what were you saying about the musket?

01:06:38I think a musket is more accurate than you think.

01:06:41Like, especially at the range.

01:06:43I'm willing to.

01:06:44I don't know.

01:06:45I just always assume that you just couldn't hit anything with those.

01:06:48I think to your point, too, Rudy, it's more likely that Abe Lincoln gets one shot of the

01:06:52bow and arrow off before JFK gets a shot with the musket off because he only gets one shot.

01:06:56So he needs to aim and be sure like Abe's draw on fire.

01:07:00You know, they had snipers back in the Revolutionary War days with a musket.

01:07:05Granted, the scope on it was massive.

01:07:08But yeah, you still get an accurate musket.

01:07:11And I think by the time he pulls the arrow out, gets it in and has enough power behind

01:07:15it, I think he's shot.

01:07:17I think Abe Lincoln doesn't shoot right away, ducks and rolls, hopes for a miss, and then

01:07:21just zigzag and just hope that he misses.

01:07:25Yeah.

01:07:25I mean, JFK, unless I swing the council again, JFK is going to win.

01:07:29But I like Abe Lincoln with the bow and arrow in this, to be honest.

01:07:33If there's anyone else who wants to switch their vote.

01:07:35Yeah, we are assuming JFK has that perfect shot.

01:07:37But like we said, military training.

01:07:38You know what?

01:07:39I kind of want.

01:07:41Takes a perfect shot to know a perfect shot.

01:07:44I think it'd be more interesting for the rest of the matchups if it's.

01:07:49You could swap.

01:07:50Anyone here is welcome to change their vote if they want.

01:07:52I will do it for that reason.

01:07:55One switch.

01:07:55Yeah, I want Abe with the bow and arrow to take on the rest of the field.

01:08:00So that means guns to unfair.

01:08:03Anyone else want to change?

01:08:05That's a no, then I have to split the vote.

01:08:07And you know what?

01:08:07To your guy's point, I do think it'll be more interesting if Abe Lincoln makes it.

01:08:10All right.

01:08:10Even if it's in the anti-integrity of the bracket.

01:08:12I think.

01:08:13All right.

01:08:13I didn't know we were just going off of fun.

01:08:15Interesting.

01:08:15I thought we were going off of real scientific data.

01:08:19Thomas folks would pull a sanctity card so quick.

01:08:21Oh, he would have done it immediately.

01:08:23So fast.

01:08:24So that means that Abe Lincoln, the bow and arrow is going to move on.

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01:09:27All right.

01:09:28Playoffs time.

01:09:29First up, we have Lyndon B. Johnson with the sword and shield versus Taft with the spear.

01:09:34All 330 pounds of Taft versus Lyndon B. Johnson, his fat cock, sword and shield.

01:09:40Starting with you, Rudy.

01:09:41Okay.

01:09:41So LBJ with the sword and shield.

01:09:44Yes.

01:09:44Versus Taft.

01:09:46Taft with a spear.

01:09:48I got to go LBJ on this one.

01:09:50Shield changes a lot.

01:09:51Yeah.

01:09:52Shield changes quite a bit.

01:09:56This is similar to Mountain versus the Viper, I suppose, except the weapons are swapped.

01:10:05But yeah.

01:10:05No, it's no question that LBJ with the sword and spear, I think, will be better than

01:10:10the Taft's fat ass with that spear.

01:10:14One for LBJ.

01:10:15KB.

01:10:17Yeah.

01:10:17What is LBJ?

01:10:196'2", like 220?

01:10:22LBJ is 6'4", 200, I think it says.

01:10:246'4", 200, 55 years old.

01:10:27Okay.

01:10:27Served in World War II.

01:10:28NBA player versus Lizzo.

01:10:33Exactly.

01:10:33It's LBJ.

01:10:35LBJ with the sword and shield.

01:10:37I mean, it's like any other...

01:10:39It's like a video game where you're playing a team that perfectly combats all your weaknesses,

01:10:44or sometimes you're like, we'll send Hussars after people, and sometimes that's good,

01:10:48sometimes that's bad.

01:10:50The shield changes everything.

01:10:51It perfectly just...

01:10:54It just negates the spear.

01:10:56So at that point, it's sword versus nothing.

01:11:00LBJ, Shay?

01:11:02Yeah, LBJ.

01:11:03White Sox, they've outlined it, the shield changes everything.

01:11:07LBJ to shield.

01:11:09He may win just off having the shield, honestly.

01:11:12Vibzy?

01:11:13Yeah, the shield, you can tire him out, outlast him, LBJ.

01:11:16This is the only guy that can protect himself.

01:11:18Basically, yeah.

01:11:19Honestly, he would have probably won against the gun.

01:11:24Can a shield stop a musket?

01:11:25I don't know, can it?

01:11:26Depends on the shield.

01:11:28Unbreakable shield.

01:11:29In the armor, when guns started to come into the battlefield,

01:11:33they used to have armor that could stop bullets.

01:11:37You know when you say something's bulletproof or whatever?

01:11:40Teflon?

01:11:41No, so to prove that your armor could stop a bullet,

01:11:44you would shoot a bullet at the armor before selling it,

01:11:48so every set of armor that was sold would have this pockmark in it

01:11:51that showed that a bullet hit it and dented off of it,

01:11:53so that you know for a fact when you buy this armor

01:11:55that it could deflect a bullet, or stop a bullet anyway.

01:11:58Tight.

01:11:59Pretty tight time, yeah.

01:12:01So now LBJ moves on.

01:12:02We have Teddy Roosevelt with the kitchen knife versus George H.W. with the mace.

01:12:08Again, mace the weapon, not mace the spray.

01:12:11Teddy Roosevelt with the knife versus George H.W. Bush with the mace.

01:12:14So George H.W. is like 64 years old in this scenario, right?

01:12:18He's a little too old.

01:12:19You got to go Teddy Roosevelt because he's like 42 and he's, you know,

01:12:23he's got a knife.

01:12:24He's in his prime, he's got a knife.

01:12:26I'm going, I'm going Teddy.

01:12:27Imagine he won the big stick.

01:12:30In the weapon rally.

01:12:31Damn.

01:12:33A knife.

01:12:33Teddy's more youthful.

01:12:36I'm going Teddy.

01:12:37He's got like a 20-year advantage on him.

01:12:39Yeah.

01:12:40Like this, yeah.

01:12:41Like George is old and like he might hit himself.

01:12:44Jay?

01:12:44Yeah, T.R.

01:12:46T.R., that's such a good nickname too.

01:12:49T.R., he's putting that mace in his breakfast cereal the next morning instead of milk.

01:12:55No, he's mounting it like on his wall next to Teddy's head.

01:12:58Yeah, like he's going to have it on the spike like in Game of Thrones.

01:13:02Just like trophies.

01:13:05It's in a, or I guess it would make sense.

01:13:07It's on Long Island.

01:13:09It's in Oyster Bay.

01:13:10It's sick.

01:13:10Like you go in and it's just wall to everywhere you look.

01:13:13There is a mounted animal head.

01:13:15You cannot look at it.

01:13:15Teddy Roosevelt's house?

01:13:16Yeah, he's from Long Island.

01:13:17Oh, I did not know that.

01:13:19Yeah, his house is just a big mansion just covered in animal heads.

01:13:25KB?

01:13:25Yeah, Teddy.

01:13:26I mean, listen to what we said about him.

01:13:28Yeah, he went to just fucking Africa to hunt lions and shit in his free time with his kid.

01:13:32Yeah.

01:13:33You know he attended the first Islanders game like ever?

01:13:35Teddy Roosevelt did?

01:13:36Wow, that's a good fact.

01:13:37I just made that up and you believe me.

01:13:38I would have believed it completely.

01:13:39That doesn't sound that unreasonable.

01:13:41That was damn crazy.

01:13:43Yeah, Long Island has spawned like an all-time great American in that little twink, Tommy Smokes.

01:13:50Yeah, and they did not live that crazy far apart either.

01:13:54Rudy?

01:13:55Yeah, Teddy.

01:13:56TR.

01:13:57So TR and a knife versus, let's say LeBron James, but different LBJ.

01:14:03LBJ and his sword and shield.

01:14:05Starting with you, Rudy.

01:14:07Ah, the weapons big mismatch.

01:14:10It comes down to how fucking bad does Teddy want it?

01:14:14Bad.

01:14:15I think he wants it bad.

01:14:17LBJ didn't seem like no pussy either though.

01:14:20No, but he's older.

01:14:22Yeah.

01:14:23Not really as much experience.

01:14:26The knife is a pretty deadly weapon because it's just so versatile.

01:14:31And once he gets inside, I mean, LBJ is a sword though.

01:14:33This is a tough one.

01:14:34You know what's a bigger knife?

01:14:35A sword.

01:14:36Yeah, but if you get in tight, you'd rather have a knife.

01:14:42I mean, you can't stab someone with a sword if you're really close in with a knife.

01:14:46You can't stab someone with a knife if they have a shield.

01:14:48If they have a shield.

01:14:49Yeah, but that doesn't cover everything.

01:14:52Sure.

01:14:53A lot of dudes have died with shields.

01:14:55That's fact.

01:14:56True.

01:14:56A lot of guys.

01:14:59I don't know.

01:15:00I just think Teddy with the knife.

01:15:02I'm also petrified of knives.

01:15:03I would rather get shot than have someone attack me with a knife.

01:15:08One for Teddy and the knife, KB.

01:15:10Yeah, I'm going the 20 years younger Teddy here.

01:15:12I think he's getting in his guts.

01:15:16Two for TR and the knife, Dave.

01:15:19Yeah, I'm going Teddy.

01:15:21Teddy, Jay.

01:15:22Practically, it's the guy with the shield and the sword.

01:15:28How big was he?

01:15:30LBJ was 6'4", 200.

01:15:34I mean, that's a big guy.

01:15:37Yeah, give me Lyndon B. Johnson.

01:15:40Lyndon B. Johnson, one vote.

01:15:41I can't overlook having protection with the shield.

01:15:43Like, just give me LBJ.

01:15:46Two for LBJ, three for Teddy, Bibsy.

01:15:49I think the age difference is just too much.

01:15:51And if you bull rush him and get inside there,

01:15:54I think Teddy's gutting him earhole to asshole.

01:15:59Yeah, he might skin him.

01:16:00Yeah, bull rush is a good pun for the Bull Moose.

01:16:03I think KB used that earlier, I don't know.

01:16:06So Teddy Roseville and his knife are in the finals.

01:16:08On the other side, we have George Washington and the slingshot

01:16:12versus Chester A. Arthur and the axe, the two-handed axe.

01:16:17Oh boy, Bibsy.

01:16:22The two-handed axe rules, but I got to go distance.

01:16:25George Washington can just kind of stay back and just sling rocks.

01:16:29I'm giving it to George Washington.

01:16:31He's calm under pressure, he's got it.

01:16:33One for Washington.

01:16:35Chester Arthur feels like he could just eat the rocks

01:16:37that just come at him and just pull through the axe.

01:16:40Like, I can't ignore that.

01:16:42Give me Chester.

01:16:43One for Chester, J.

01:16:44CAA.

01:16:47Chester A. Arthur.

01:16:49Chester A. Arthur.

01:16:50Chester.

01:16:51Three for Chester, one for Washington, KB.

01:16:55I don't know.

01:16:55I feel like George Washington would be good with a slingshot,

01:16:58knowing what I know about him.

01:17:00And I feel like a slingshot would be effective at debilitating somebody.

01:17:05The U.S. Reserve Revolution was like David versus Goliath,

01:17:09and he won that.

01:17:10Yeah.

01:17:10And he's got a slingshot now.

01:17:12It'd be hard to hit someone though.

01:17:13I feel like you could just dodge it.

01:17:15Hey, you miss one, you shoot another.

01:17:18Quick reload.

01:17:18That's true.

01:17:20That thing, I don't know if you could dodge it.

01:17:21Those things, if you know how to use one, those things move.

01:17:24You can kill animals with a slingshot.

01:17:26Here's a quick story.

01:17:27When I was like 12 or 13, my buddy Paul got a hold of a three-man slingshot,

01:17:32like the ones you, like at minor league baseball games,

01:17:34they shoot t-shirts out into the crowd.

01:17:38And we took it to Route 59, which is a major highway.

01:17:41And we were launching potatoes at semi-trucks.

01:17:44Oh my God.

01:17:45So you were just doing crime.

01:17:48You were trying to kill people.

01:17:50And my dad found out.

01:17:51And I'm lucky I'm alive to this day.

01:17:53I don't want to go into what happened, but you can imagine how pissed my father was.

01:17:57Yeah, you were committing manslaughter.

01:17:59Yeah.

01:18:00No, we were shooting at the side of trucks and they would explode.

01:18:03So no one got hurt.

01:18:04It was awesome.

01:18:05However, highly legal, highly stupid.

01:18:08And I got in a lot of trouble.

01:18:10I can do you one stupider with a slingshot.

01:18:11I'd love that.

01:18:12I got gifted a slingshot by my mom's friend's boyfriend, who was an ex-con.

01:18:19He used to just love giving me weapons.

01:18:21Nice.

01:18:21And he gave me a knife one year that I cut myself with by accident.

01:18:26And then the next year, he gave me a slingshot.

01:18:28And I was in my room with a slingshot.

01:18:30I was holding it up for the first time.

01:18:31I drew it back all the way.

01:18:32And then my hand that was holding the slingshot, it slipped out of my hand.

01:18:36And it immediately just flew directly into my face.

01:18:38And I shattered my nose.

01:18:40Oh my God.

01:18:41Yeah, self-inflicted.

01:18:43Scary as fuck.

01:18:44Yeah.

01:18:45Embarrassing as well.

01:18:47Yeah.

01:18:47You ever see that clip of the...

01:18:48Look, you got your eyes.

01:18:49Yeah, it didn't feel very good.

01:18:51There's, I think, a scene.

01:18:52I'm not sure if it was Survivor or a different game show we're left.

01:18:54Oh, the watermelon?

01:18:55Watermelon slingshot?

01:18:56Oh, that was incredible.

01:18:57If I had to guess.

01:18:58It exploded all around.

01:19:00I thought she died.

01:19:01Like, just exploded her whole head.

01:19:03I'm willing to say that's the hardest anyone has been hit in the face with a watermelon.

01:19:06Fact.

01:19:07Has to be.

01:19:08So we are three for Chester A. Arthur, one for Washington KB.

01:19:12It's really, it's gonna be tough.

01:19:15So who is it, Washington and Arthur?

01:19:18Chester A. Arthur with the axe.

01:19:19You said...

01:19:19Oh, I said, yeah, I said Washington.

01:19:21Oh, you said Washington.

01:19:22Sorry.

01:19:22So two to one or two to two, three to two in favor of Chester A. Arthur with the axe.

01:19:26Rudy.

01:19:27I do think that the slingshot is being undervalued in terms of its ability to hurt somebody.

01:19:32But I don't know if you'll be able to kill Chester A. Arthur.

01:19:35I mean, you'd have to hit some really great shots out of the gate.

01:19:38Maybe a direct shot to the tip of the penis right in the forehead.

01:19:42All that stuff.

01:19:44But then once, if he can't get him down, that axe is, I mean, he's just going to get fucked.

01:19:49He's going to get absolutely pissed up.

01:19:50So I'm going to go Chester.

01:19:52Chester A. Arthur with the two handed axe is going to move on.

01:19:55On the top side, we have Abe Lincoln with the bow and arrow versus Andrew Jackson with the

01:20:01trident and net.

01:20:02Woof.

01:20:03Oh, could you use the net to stop the arrows?

01:20:10I don't think so.

01:20:11Well, it could it could it could deflect it or kind of you have to get lucky.

01:20:15It might go right through there and through your jugular.

01:20:17But yeah, if you spin it like you're.

01:20:20Yeah, it's a long shot.

01:20:21I feel like it is good.

01:20:23It is.

01:20:26That would be frustrating as shit.

01:20:28Imagine that you're just throwing arrows at a guy and he somehow is netting them.

01:20:32I'm going to go with Abe Lincoln on this.

01:20:34I think the arrows are pretty lethal.

01:20:36One for Abe Lincoln, the bow and arrow KB.

01:20:39I like Lincoln with an arrow.

01:20:42Again, I would imagine he's used that before.

01:20:45He definitely has.

01:20:46And has done it well.

01:20:48So I'll go with that.

01:20:49I feel like any male in 1864 that is.

01:20:53How old was he?

01:20:54He was even older, I guess, because if he was growing up like 1840s, like he was definitely

01:20:58using a bow and arrow.

01:20:58A hundred percent.

01:21:00Like you had to, I feel like.

01:21:02So I'm going with Abe.

01:21:04Two or three for Abe right now with the bow and arrow chain.

01:21:08Abe.

01:21:09Abe's going to win.

01:21:10Abe, clean sweep.

01:21:12Clean sweep.

01:21:12Abe's got distance.

01:21:14I'll give it to him.

01:21:15Abe, I mean, I do want to not underrate again.

01:21:17Andrew Jackson, bloodthirsty man.

01:21:19Yeah, sure.

01:21:19Trying that would be tough.

01:21:22So Abe with the bow and arrow versus Chester with the two-handed axe.

01:21:24Vibsy.

01:21:26Say it again, Abe Lincoln.

01:21:27Abe Lincoln with the bow and arrow versus Chester A. Arthur with the two-handed axe.

01:21:30I gave George Washington the nod against Chester A. Arthur with the axe.

01:21:33I got to give it to Abe Lincoln with the bow and arrow.

01:21:34He's again, he's got range.

01:21:36This is what a range I believe.

01:21:38It's a bow and arrow.

01:21:38It's more effective than a slingshot.

01:21:40So I'll take Abe.

01:21:41Two for Abe, Che.

01:21:43Yeah, also Abe.

01:21:44Three for Abe.

01:21:46Abe.

01:21:47Abe, oh boy.

01:21:48It's gonna be Abe versus Teddy.

01:21:49But KB.

01:21:50Yeah, give me Abe here.

01:21:52Abe, Rudy.

01:21:54I think Abe's, I mean, Abe's gonna take this home.

01:21:56No one can, no one will be able to stop that bow and arrow.

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01:22:47All right, finals.

01:22:47Babe Lincoln with the bow and arrow versus Teddy Roosevelt.

01:22:50Old TR, the bull moose with a kitchen knife.

01:22:54Rudy.

01:22:56I want to make an argument for Teddy, but I think he's going down like Boromir.

01:22:59He's going to get a lot of arrows in him before he goes down, and he's going to keep swinging.

01:23:03He ate a bullet, though.

01:23:05Yeah.

01:23:07That's one bullet.

01:23:10It's tougher than a bow and arrow.

01:23:12Ah, not really.

01:23:13They're all effective at that point.

01:23:15At a certain point, there's going to be too many arrows in him.

01:23:20All right.

01:23:21One for you, Lincoln.

01:23:22I mean, I would like to see it, but I can't imagine him just being able to run through

01:23:28four to five arrows.

01:23:30I guess it depends on the distance, too.

01:23:31And then also on top of that, worst case scenario, Abe can use the arrows to stab.

01:23:38And he was a 301 wrestler.

01:23:42I want to hear you out, but I just think the arrows are just going to be too

01:23:46hard to get through when he can finally close that distance with the knife.

01:23:50So one for Abe Lincoln.

01:23:52KB.

01:23:53There's no strong evidence or historical records indicating Abraham Lincoln

01:23:57possessed bow and arrow skills or was a skilled archer.

01:24:01Oh, shit.

01:24:03I think it's just an assumption.

01:24:05I don't know.

01:24:06That seems like a pretty tough thing to just pick up on the spot.

01:24:10I think he probably did it his whole life.

01:24:12I feel like that's, you're born with it.

01:24:14There's no records at all of him ever doing it.

01:24:17But I think the record is the time he lived in.

01:24:20I think you could figure it out.

01:24:21He's out in the wilderness of, you know, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, he's in the

01:24:25backwoods with some squirrels.

01:24:26Teddy Roosevelt lived that shit.

01:24:30Amazon's got a lot more wildlife than the Midwest.

01:24:35He's got to deal with coyotes.

01:24:38There's no documented accounts or anecdotes that detail Lincoln's proficiency or interest

01:24:42in archery, hunting, or using bows and arrows.

01:24:46So you're going to go with TR?

01:24:47I'm going with Teddy Roosevelt based on what I know about that man as a man.

01:24:52Yeah.

01:24:52One for TR.

01:24:53Dave?

01:24:54I want to take a cop out and say that it would be a draw in that Teddy Roosevelt would just

01:25:02eventually get to him and just, you know, take him with him to the afterlife.

01:25:05Take Abe with him.

01:25:07However, I'm going to give it to Teddy Roosevelt.

01:25:10I think that Lincoln would be the first to die.

01:25:14You think Lincoln would be the first to die?

01:25:15He'd be the first to die, but that Teddy would have so many arrows in him that he might die

01:25:20a little later from injuries that he sustained during the fight.

01:25:23But I think that Abe, he's out first.

01:25:27Rudy, this would be like Gandalf versus Balrog.

01:25:30They're just going down, like flying down that

01:25:32100%.

01:25:33And they just die fighting each other on a mountaintop.

01:25:35Yes.

01:25:37Jay?

01:25:38I'm going to go with Lincoln.

01:25:40Just the arrows.

01:25:41I mean, I would picture Teddy Roosevelt charging him, but like looking like that Muhammad Ali

01:25:46picture by the end with just 50 arrows in him.

01:25:49Uh, respect the spirit and everything like that.

01:25:52But if he even got close with, you know, obviously less strength than he would normally have with

01:25:57so many arrows in him.

01:25:58Lincoln's wrestling background.

01:26:00I don't know.

01:26:00I don't think, I don't think a stab was wrestling.

01:26:03By the way, who's the one guy that beat him?

01:26:06I want to know who that guy is.

01:26:08He's probably facing the same guy 301 times.

01:26:11The fact that he lost one is pathetic.

01:26:14At that point, yeah.

01:26:15I think, I think if it came down to hand-to-hand combat, which it could, I think Roosevelt

01:26:20would clean him up.

01:26:21I think so.

01:26:22But what if Roosevelt's at like 30%?

01:26:24If he has some arrows in his body, yeah.

01:26:28I'm taking Lincoln.

01:26:29Yeah, I like the Lincoln pick.

01:26:31Two to two right now.

01:26:32I just trust that Lincoln will get enough arrows in there before Teddy can kill him.

01:26:36So we are three to two in favor of Abe Lincoln.

01:26:40Well, I want to say that Lincoln would now get some good shots, but I think, I think

01:26:44Roosevelt's eating the arrows.

01:26:45I think he's charging him.

01:26:46He's jumping up like Brad Pitt and Troy and just slicing him.

01:26:50I'm going to die, not slice him.

01:26:51I'm going Teddy.

01:26:52What's that?

01:26:52Like when Achilles gets hit with all the arrows, he doesn't actually get, doesn't actually

01:26:56kill him.

01:26:56Well, I was talking to the opening scene when he-

01:26:58Oh, where he's just like eating the spears.

01:27:00Yeah, he just runs, blocks it with his, you know, but yeah, I think, I think Teddy can

01:27:05eat the arrows and survive and just get in there close and stab him.

01:27:08All right, so then we're tied up and I have to break it.

01:27:10Um, I think the, I think he, if he could eat a bullet in his heart, like, like, or not

01:27:17a heart, but like right outside of his heart, it says like dead in the chest.

01:27:20And he's like, I'm going to fuck this guy.

01:27:23I'm not getting down.

01:27:23I'm not going to the hospital.

01:27:24I'm delivering a 50 page speech instead with a bullet in my body.

01:27:28I think he could run, close the distance of like whatever it is, like 30 feet of getting

01:27:33pelted with arrows.

01:27:34And that there's a draw time.

01:27:35Like it might not even be that many arrows.

01:27:37And then I think he closes the distance and just, just dices him up.

01:27:41These dices linking up into a trillion pieces.

01:27:43We talked about it earlier when he, when, when Teddy Roosevelt was in the Amazon and

01:27:46he was about to die, I don't know if he got sick or whatever.

01:27:50He did.

01:27:50Like you might as well be on the moon.

01:27:52You know what I mean?

01:27:52There's no hospital around.

01:27:54So for him to survive that distance from the Amazon to wherever he got treatment is crazy.

01:28:00So I think he can run a quick distance and like hold out for that.

01:28:03And survive the badlands of the Dakotas.

01:28:05Yeah, he's a badass.

01:28:06He's an all time badass.

01:28:08You can't, you can't underrate Hart.

01:28:09Asian of Cuba with the Rough Riders.

01:28:11Like it's crazy.

01:28:14So that means Teddy Roosevelt by one vote, this is actually a lot closer than I thought

01:28:16it would be, is the, the Kitchen Knife is the winner of the bracket episode of 167,

01:28:20the presidential brawl.

01:28:23Thank you guys all for joining.

01:28:24We'll be back next week with a new topic.

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