Gogglebox S24 E16
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00:00:00Yay!
00:00:08Cookie dance too.
00:00:17Oh, where's he gone? Yay!
00:00:24Oh, no! Here we go. They've got him.
00:00:27What are you doing? Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
00:00:31Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
00:00:35Oh, kiss. Oh, that's a bit forward.
00:00:37This is raunchy, innit? Bring on the delves. Yay!
00:00:40Who's in for the finger this week, innit?
00:00:43Oh. Oh. It's so bad, it's actually good.
00:00:46It's actually good. What just happened?
00:00:48Siri, call Ofcom.
00:00:50Over a couple of busy festive weeks, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:00:57Martin Lewis was showing us his tips on ITV1.
00:01:00If you want to beat your friends and family at board games, get ready,
00:01:04as I'm going to jam this show with tactics and strategies
00:01:07to give you the household bragging rights.
00:01:10Basil, you remember when me used to play chess, me and you?
00:01:13Yeah. I used to beat you. I know.
00:01:15I think I've probably beaten you a couple of times, maybe three,
00:01:18and then you took over, didn't you?
00:01:20It was weird, no, it was more than three. Was it?
00:01:22You, like, for months I was trying to beat you and I couldn't beat you.
00:01:25But then when I did beat you, that was it after that, wasn't it?
00:01:28Yeah. I lost all interest after that.
00:01:30Yeah, you did. We beat it very quickly.
00:01:32BBC4 had a festive throwback for us.
00:01:36How much I admire the housewives of Britain
00:01:39in these appalling prison conditions for their courage
00:01:42in trying to give their families another super Christmas.
00:01:44Fanny Craddock, I bet she was friends with Anne Frank.
00:01:50That's what kind of vibes her name gives me.
00:01:53Do you know who Anne Frank is? Yeah.
00:01:57And that's what kind of vibe I get from the name.
00:01:59Florence Nightingale. Fanny Craddock.
00:02:03Do you know Florence Nightingale? Yeah.
00:02:05They might have been, like, three best friends.
00:02:08And it was back to Barry on Christmas Day.
00:02:11It's all right not inviting Neil to the stag, innit?
00:02:14He seemed disappointed when I called him.
00:02:16He's 16. I said to him, oh, give your old man a break.
00:02:18Neil's 16. Neil the baby!
00:02:21Yeah, Neil the baby's 16.
00:02:24That's sick.
00:02:25I wonder if they still call him Neil the baby.
00:02:27Course they do. He's Neil the baby.
00:02:31Neil the baby's 16. My life's gone.
00:02:43In home, happy Christmas, Jenny.
00:02:46Oh, thank you very much.
00:02:48Happy Christmas. Oh, thank you.
00:02:51Best friends Jenny and Lee.
00:02:53I think you've got to take that off the gold band.
00:02:58Oh.
00:03:00What is it, Maltesers?
00:03:09Merry frigging Christmas.
00:03:14You are...
00:03:18You haven't peed yourself, have you? No, I haven't.
00:03:22On Christmas Day, BBC One treated us to a festive ballroom bonanza.
00:03:28Chin-chin. Merry Christmas.
00:03:30Merry Christmas, one and all.
00:03:34What are you doing that for? Getting ready for Strictly, Mary.
00:03:37I've been buzzing for this.
00:03:38They always have some good celebs on for this Christmas Strictly.
00:03:42Oh!
00:03:46THEY HUM
00:03:49Whoa! Soaring.
00:03:50Different intro as well, wasn't it?
00:03:52Christmas Remix. Yeah.
00:03:57THEY HUM
00:03:58Hey!
00:03:59This is your last chance to have a walk on Christmas Day
00:04:02before it goes dark, Nottie.
00:04:04And so... Which would you rather do,
00:04:06go for a walk in the mud or watch Strictly?
00:04:09Strictly. I know I'd rather watch Strictly.
00:04:11Would you?
00:04:13You hypocrite.
00:04:15First onto the floor, it's gladiator Harry Akins-Areti
00:04:19and his partner, Nancy.
00:04:21Jesus, look at the size of him.
00:04:23Look at him.
00:04:25He's got a real name. I thought it was Nitro.
00:04:28I'm sure Nitro's in that calendar you got me.
00:04:31Let me have a look.
00:04:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:04:35Dancing street commercial.
00:04:37Harry Akins-Areti and Nancy Shoe.
00:04:40I should have got my thoughtless truck to bring this fella in.
00:04:43I'd love to see Nat in one of them.
00:04:45A mirrored unitard with matching sparkly trainers. Yeah.
00:04:54What have they done to him?
00:04:56He's become like an action man doll. Oh, he's a toy.
00:04:58Is he supposed to be Stretch Armstrong?
00:05:03Oh, no, he's flexing his...
00:05:06Look at his pecs, Nancy.
00:05:08Is this a dance competition or Mr Olympia?
00:05:15She's waking him up.
00:05:17Watch my heart.
00:05:22What?
00:05:23He's throwing a few shapes, isn't he?
00:05:25He's not doing bad, actually.
00:05:27Nitro's quite flexible, man. He's got a little bit still, man.
00:05:30He can move a little bit.
00:05:33Oh, the lawsuit. That's right.
00:05:36Look, he's brilliant. He's better than the professional.
00:05:42Whoa!
00:05:44The old flipper, eh?
00:05:46Nitro does flip Nancy like a fidget spinner, mate.
00:05:49Complete disregard for his dancer.
00:05:51And that's how it should be.
00:05:56Oh, we could do that. Have you got some tinsel?
00:05:58Go and do that, you're all nails.
00:06:02While we're watching telly over Christmas,
00:06:04we could do synchronised tinsel waving. There's no reason.
00:06:07We've still got the use of our arms.
00:06:09What on earth are you talking about?
00:06:12Why would I want to do that?
00:06:14It's Christmas!
00:06:20Look at that!
00:06:22How strong he is.
00:06:24We should have got him to lift the turkey out of the oven.
00:06:28Oh, yeah.
00:06:30Oh, yeah, nice power lift.
00:06:32Holding her above his head, like he's won a trophy.
00:06:35This is the first thing that's made me feel festive, you know.
00:06:40I can't believe a man in a leotard has made me feel festive.
00:06:43Can I put my Christmas pyjamas on?
00:06:45Absolutely, you can.
00:06:47You can put your pyjama... You can undo the top button
00:06:49and then give it an hour.
00:06:51Take the bra off.
00:06:53Unfill the girls and give it an hour
00:06:55and we'll be ready for a bit of cold turkey
00:06:57and stuffing sandwich, I reckon.
00:06:59I was wondering where that was going.
00:07:05In Blackpool...
00:07:07Cully! Cully!
00:07:09You a bit warm, pal, in your jumper?
00:07:11Aye, it's a bit warm in here, isn't it?
00:07:13Pete and his little sister Sophie.
00:07:15Not used to having the heating on.
00:07:19Heating on a coat? You think she's in Barbados?
00:07:22It's Christmas, isn't it?
00:07:24It's a treat.
00:07:26He's not used to having the heating on!
00:07:30He's sweating.
00:07:32Paul Sod, we'd better get this off you.
00:07:34I'm culting him out a bit.
00:07:36You won't feel the benefit when you get home.
00:07:39A week before the big day,
00:07:41Martin Lewis had some tactical tips
00:07:43for one of our favourite festive activities on ITV1.
00:07:47Get the pen and paper.
00:07:49Are you having a laugh? No, I'm not!
00:07:51Board games and games and stuff at Christmas are fun.
00:07:53Yeah.
00:07:54But games are immediately not fun
00:07:56if you're with people that are down to win. Yeah.
00:07:58I don't play board games anymore
00:08:00because everybody who I play with is a sore loser.
00:08:02No, you just get nasty.
00:08:04Let's play.
00:08:05If you want to beat your friends and family at board games,
00:08:07get ready, as I'm going to jam this show with tactics and strategies...
00:08:11Oh, it's all about numbers, isn't it?
00:08:13Oh, I'm buggered, then. Is he doing probability?
00:08:15He's doing probability.
00:08:17..to give you the household bragging rights.
00:08:20That's my favourite part about winning board games, the bragging.
00:08:23Oh, my days, you do too much.
00:08:25Is this just not going to cause more aggravation over Christmas?
00:08:28Step on!
00:08:30Do you know what?
00:08:32Martin Lewis has found all the bargains and all the hacks
00:08:35in every other part of real life he's had to turn to board games.
00:08:39I like Snap.
00:08:41That's not a board game, it's a card game.
00:08:43Snap!
00:08:45Fucking Snap!
00:08:47Where's the Monopoly board?
00:08:49I've delved into Monopoly even deeper than I ever have before.
00:08:52He loves a green screen, doesn't he, Martin?
00:08:54Oh, God, yeah.
00:08:55Have you ever played Monopoly before?
00:08:57Yeah. I haven't.
00:08:59Are you joking? No.
00:09:01I don't even know if I've ever played it properly.
00:09:03I think I might have just played with competitive people and let them win.
00:09:07Yes.
00:09:08There are hacks to Monopoly that I think can help people win
00:09:11once you know the stats.
00:09:12God, he's a nerd, isn't he?
00:09:14See, I need these hacks.
00:09:15You definitely need them.
00:09:16I've never won any Monopoly.
00:09:18Cos you just don't know how to build houses or hotels or nothing.
00:09:22I like the McDonald's Monopoly.
00:09:24You've just said you've never played Monopoly before.
00:09:26No, I mean, like, the freebies that you get.
00:09:28It's now better than getting a free McFlurry.
00:09:30It's nice.
00:09:31Now better.
00:09:32When you're playing any dice game,
00:09:34it's crucial to understand your probability pyramid.
00:09:36See, I told you it was probability! Told you!
00:09:39Right, boys, take note. You need to know about your probability pyramid.
00:09:42In the early stages of the game,
00:09:44you generally want to buy as many properties as possible.
00:09:47But Monopoly properties are not all equal.
00:09:50No, you've got to buy the dark blue ones.
00:09:52Tell you what I'm a fan of, a station.
00:09:54You know what I like are utilities, you know.
00:09:56Mmm.
00:09:57I usually get Old Kent Road and Whitechapel, worth about 20 quid rent.
00:10:01One way to compare is by calculating the return on investment, ROI.
00:10:06Oh, the ROI, come on!
00:10:09Six-year-olds play this,
00:10:10they're not going to work out the return on investment.
00:10:14It's also the leverage.
00:10:16If I've got one of every colour, it stops me from getting a full street.
00:10:19You know, fuck him.
00:10:20Now, when we're starting out, the most expensive give you the best return,
00:10:24the least expensive generally give you the worst return.
00:10:27You see, look, I want to be at the top, Mayfair, Park Lane...
00:10:29I always like Bond Street and Oxford Street.
00:10:31..and you always end up down that bottom bit.
00:10:33But now let's start gradually adding houses,
00:10:36and I want you to keep your eyes on the light blue and the oranges.
00:10:40Do we want orange like this town, Tracer?
00:10:42Oh, fucking hell. I'm listening.
00:10:45This is really important. It's not important. It is.
00:10:48They're starting to move up, you see. Ah, why?
00:10:51Buy as much property as you can, but where you put your houses...
00:10:54Nah. ..this is what it's telling you, Daniela.
00:10:56Utilities, one house on each.
00:10:58It's the light blues that are giving you the best ROI.
00:11:01The light blue. Cross out orange, light blue.
00:11:04And the second best set, it's your oranges.
00:11:07The reason why people got houses on the blue and the oranges
00:11:10is it's sticky, bruv, I'm telling you. Yeah. Sticky.
00:11:13Look at you now, you're taking notes. Am I?
00:11:16If you buy one of each different set on the board,
00:11:22your opponent can't develop.
00:11:25That's so fucking annoying when people do that.
00:11:27I am a genius. I've been doing this for donkey's years.
00:11:31Trying to teach your granny how to suck eggs.
00:11:33It's not just about what you buy to build up yourself,
00:11:37it's about what you buy to squash them down.
00:11:41Correct. Squash them down!
00:11:43He's serious about this. That's how I feel about you.
00:11:46I want to squash you down, bro.
00:11:48I think he's just describing the subprime crisis of 2008.
00:11:53This is how it happened.
00:11:55But what's going to happen if everybody applies Martin Luther's tactics?
00:11:58What are we going to end up with here?
00:12:01A gridlock... That's what I mean.
00:12:03..of people that cannot win at Monopoly.
00:12:05That's it, it's fucked for everybody now.
00:12:07Up and down the country, it's fucked.
00:12:17In Manchester...
00:12:19Right, so, you booked it?
00:12:22I booked it, yeah, I booked it. It is a Sunday.
00:12:25..the Malones...
00:12:26But what I'm saying to you is, Tom,
00:12:28you keep saying to me, will you do this, will you do that?
00:12:31And when I do it and I tell you and I give you the dates,
00:12:35then ten times leading up to me, you're saying,
00:12:38what date is it we're doing this, what date is it we're doing that?
00:12:41And I'm like, Tom, I've sent it to you,
00:12:43yeah, I know, but I don't know what I've done with it.
00:12:45So then I have to get my phone out and go through everything
00:12:48to find it again.
00:12:49But the other day, you were telling me for weeks
00:12:51it was going out somewhere on Friday, it's happening Friday,
00:12:53we're going down there and we planned it all.
00:12:55It turned out you got the wrong date, it was Thursday.
00:12:57You rang up to see what time it was starting,
00:12:59you said you were a bit late and it was yesterday.
00:13:01On Christmas Day, there was only one place to be
00:13:04as the nation headed to Wales for the final ever episode of this.
00:13:09It's not a Long Island, it's a Barry Island.
00:13:13Oh, are you putting Gavin and Stacey on?
00:13:15Am I.
00:13:16Ooh, here we go, a little bit of...
00:13:18Gavin and Stacey.
00:13:20Remember what happened at the ending, the last one?
00:13:23Yeah, she broke down on one ear and asked him to marry her.
00:13:26Yeah, and does he?
00:13:27I hope she's not in the same position.
00:13:30What, after five years?
00:13:31Yes.
00:13:32Are you going to say yeah or no?
00:13:37Gavin and Stacey.
00:13:38Even the music we love.
00:13:39It's so good that this is...
00:13:41That they're doing this, but there's that bit of sadness
00:13:44knowing it's going to be the last ever one.
00:13:48Hiya, you all right?
00:13:50Oh, I'm absolutely buzzing, I am.
00:13:52There's Stacey.
00:13:53Oh, my God, she still sounds the same, innit?
00:13:55Exactly.
00:13:56How will we hand away? Just me and you?
00:13:58Ooh, where are they going, then?
00:14:00We can lie in without being woken up.
00:14:01Don't forget, me and Smithy have got our suit fittings first thing tomorrow.
00:14:04Suit fittings? For what?
00:14:06It's on! It's happening!
00:14:09Not unless somebody's died in it.
00:14:11Oh, you would have to bloody spoil it, yo.
00:14:14A wedding!
00:14:15I know. I can't believe it.
00:14:17Who's the bride-to-be?
00:14:19Could be Bryn and his fishing trip lover.
00:14:23Hiya.
00:14:24Oh, it's old Smithy!
00:14:26Yeah, Neil Smith, I'm here to do the wedding list.
00:14:29Lovely.
00:14:30John Lewis.
00:14:31Bloody hell.
00:14:32Oh, what is it?
00:14:33Pick the present.
00:14:35Yeah, fucking John Lewis.
00:14:36Bride-to-be's already here. Follow me.
00:14:38Hi.
00:14:39Oh, who is it? Who is it?
00:14:40Is it Nessa? Is it Nessa? Is it Nessa?
00:14:42All right.
00:14:44Oh.
00:14:45Who the hell's that?
00:14:46It's bloody Sonia!
00:14:48Oh, for Christ's sake!
00:14:50No! No!
00:14:52No!
00:14:54Someone's already bought the handheld Dyson.
00:14:56Great.
00:15:00Gordon, you jerk. You ruined it.
00:15:02Why? Smithy, why?
00:15:04This is not right.
00:15:06Don't spoil my fucking Christmas, dear.
00:15:08No. I'll be ringing Ofcom.
00:15:11A bit later, it was all eyes on Nessa
00:15:14as we finally got answers to what happened on that fateful night
00:15:18five years ago.
00:15:21I proposed to him, all right?
00:15:23Oh!
00:15:25Stacey's going to lose her shit, boy.
00:15:29What?
00:15:30Yes, what?
00:15:31I told him I loved him, got down on one knee,
00:15:33held up my ring and asked him to marry me.
00:15:35Sorry, that just tickled me.
00:15:37What's wrong with that, dear?
00:15:39That also rang, held up my ring.
00:15:41Great.
00:15:42And just as he was about to speak, Gav came out.
00:15:45Gavin.
00:15:46Gavin's fault, Julie.
00:15:48Smithy walked away, left me on one knee.
00:15:50Oh!
00:15:51Oh, so he never responded to her then?
00:15:53Smithy doesn't deserve her after that.
00:15:55You've got to promise me you won't tell no-one.
00:15:58Stacey can't keep a secret to save her life.
00:16:01Not a soul.
00:16:02Promise.
00:16:03You've got to be kidding me.
00:16:05No!
00:16:08Straight to the husband.
00:16:09You'll never guess what, Gav.
00:16:11You can't say a word to anyone, and certainly not Smithy.
00:16:14Why is this all coming out now?
00:16:16HE LAUGHS
00:16:17He's gone straight to Smithy and told him.
00:16:19Why haven't you told me? I didn't tell anyone.
00:16:21It's not like I didn't tell you, Pacifically.
00:16:23Pacifically? He's so mean, you know.
00:16:25He's actually so mean.
00:16:27Did he say Pacifically?
00:16:29Yes, yes, that's part of the jokes.
00:16:31I've had a gutsful of this place, Stace.
00:16:33SHE LAUGHS
00:16:35That's typical Welsh, isn't it?
00:16:37I've had an absolute bloody gutsful.
00:16:39What, the slops?
00:16:40No, Barry.
00:16:43It might be time for pastures new.
00:16:45SHE GASPS
00:16:46You can't leave Barry.
00:16:47Oh, you're not going, Nessa, you can't.
00:16:49Is it because of Smithy? Cos he's getting married?
00:16:52Maybe, yeah.
00:16:54She's done, isn't she? Nessa's done.
00:16:56I've never seen Nessa so vulnerable.
00:16:58I'll be OK.
00:17:01I just never thought he'd go through with it.
00:17:04Oh, Nessa!
00:17:06Neither did we, Nessa.
00:17:08No, I'm still not sure he will.
00:17:13MUSIC PLAYS
00:17:16Oh, here she comes, Sonia.
00:17:18She is a dick, but she looks gorgeous.
00:17:20Oh, this is going to be hard to watch, isn't it?
00:17:23Hi.
00:17:25You look amazing.
00:17:26Why are you wearing those shoes?
00:17:28What?
00:17:29Why are you wearing those shoes?
00:17:31She wants to mould him into something he's not.
00:17:33It never does, now, right?
00:17:35It doesn't, does it? Why is he marrying her?
00:17:37Control freak.
00:17:38Cos he thinks he's better in himself, that's what he thinks.
00:17:41It's my privilege to welcome you all here
00:17:43to celebrate the marriage of Neil and Sonia.
00:17:46Is that the woman from Motherland?
00:17:48Yeah.
00:17:49She gets about.
00:17:50Wow, she's got all the jobs nowadays, hasn't she?
00:17:53If anyone knows of any just cause or impediment
00:17:56why these two persons should not be joined in marriage,
00:17:59please declare it now.
00:18:02Get ready, Jane, you're going to have to shout if no-one else does.
00:18:05Don't even think about it.
00:18:07Pam's dying to get up and shout something.
00:18:09Oh, God, please, Nessa, just come in.
00:18:11I don't think she will.
00:18:13Do I have the rings, Gavin?
00:18:16Someone say something.
00:18:17Someone just say it!
00:18:21Sorry. I'm sorry, sorry.
00:18:23Oh!
00:18:24Oh, come on, Gav, come on!
00:18:25I've got to say something.
00:18:26Oh, my Christ! Oh, my Christ!
00:18:29Iconic. Please.
00:18:31Come on, Gav.
00:18:32Come on, lad!
00:18:33I don't...
00:18:34What's he doing?
00:18:35Is everything OK, Gavin?
00:18:36HE GASPS
00:18:37I think you might be making a mistake.
00:18:39HE GASPS
00:18:40HE GASPS
00:18:41Yes! Yes!
00:18:42And I should have said something before and not just gone along with it,
00:18:44and I'm sorry.
00:18:45Gavin, what's going on?
00:18:46Sonia, I apologise.
00:18:47I just don't think it's right.
00:18:48Oh, my God!
00:18:50Go, Gavin.
00:18:51And I'm not the only one who thinks this.
00:18:52There's a lot of us, isn't there?
00:18:56THEY LAUGH
00:18:57Oh, that'd be my look, that would.
00:19:00Paige, you'd get me sat up there like a lemon,
00:19:03and you and her would be sat...
00:19:06I don't know what you're fucking talking about.
00:19:08Neil, would you like to continue, given that Gavin...
00:19:10Yes, of course he does, Christ!
00:19:12Yes, yes, I want to continue.
00:19:13Right, very well.
00:19:14No!
00:19:15Are you a silly man?
00:19:16Gavin's right, Smithy.
00:19:18Are you sure this is what you want?
00:19:19Oh, ah, Bryn.
00:19:20Oh!
00:19:21Here we go.
00:19:22Yes, come on, Bryn.
00:19:24I'm sorry, but I don't think it's right for either of you.
00:19:27Oh, my God, Stacey!
00:19:28Come on!
00:19:29How will everyone get up?
00:19:31I agree, mate.
00:19:33Hey!
00:19:34Come on, Pete!
00:19:35I would now like to ask the congregation
00:19:37if you believe Neil and Sonia should not become husband and wife today.
00:19:43Could you please stand?
00:19:44They're going to vote! I know, yeah!
00:19:50What are you doing? Are you insane?
00:19:55Come on!
00:19:56Stand!
00:19:57Come on, Jason! Come on, Pam!
00:20:04Oh, once Pam's gone...
00:20:08..his boy's getting up, and oh, Neil!
00:20:10Yes!
00:20:11All of them!
00:20:16Oh, my God, everyone is standing up!
00:20:18Even the bridesmaids!
00:20:24I feel a bit sorry for Sonia, really.
00:20:26No, don't.
00:20:27Sonia, would you like...
00:20:28Right, just do the bloody vows.
00:20:30Oh!
00:20:31No, just do the bloody vows.
00:20:33He loves Nessa.
00:20:35Right, Sonia, take you, Neil.
00:20:36Hang on, wait.
00:20:39Mick? Mick?
00:20:40Mick, yeah.
00:20:43Oh, he's asking Mick.
00:20:45The thing is, this is actually fucking making me a bit emotional.
00:20:48It's making me... He's getting me.
00:20:50Cos he's asking Mick and Pam, like his mum and dad, really.
00:20:55Jesus!
00:20:56Get up, Mick.
00:20:57Come on, Mick!
00:20:58You know it, Mick, you know.
00:21:00He loves Mick.
00:21:01Mick, what are you going to do?
00:21:09Yes, Mick! Yes, Mick!
00:21:11Yes, Mick!
00:21:12Oh, my God!
00:21:13Fucking hell!
00:21:14Are people actually saying that he shouldn't be marrying me?
00:21:16Hello?
00:21:17Wow!
00:21:18Oh, no!
00:21:19There's the true colours.
00:21:20What's that supposed to mean?
00:21:22You said it yourself.
00:21:23Everyone tells you you're punching above your weight.
00:21:25Oh, wow!
00:21:26Right, it's all coming out now.
00:21:28We are getting married and the sooner we do,
00:21:30the sooner we can get this lot out of our lives.
00:21:32Oh, this is what I mean!
00:21:33She don't want any of them in her life.
00:21:35No.
00:21:36She just wants what's hers, what she wants.
00:21:38You, Neil.
00:21:39I don't think you love me.
00:21:40What?
00:21:41I'm glad you've seen it, Simon, cos I don't think she loves him.
00:21:44I don't think I love you.
00:21:48I don't think this is what love is.
00:21:50Oh!
00:21:51I think we're just going along with it.
00:21:52You ain't going to find better than me, Neil.
00:21:54Oh, fucking watch me.
00:21:55Who do you think you are?
00:21:57He already did.
00:21:58HE GASPS
00:21:59He already did?!
00:22:0117 years ago in Leicester Square.
00:22:04Bryn, what time does she leave?
00:22:06Sorry, Smithy.
00:22:07What time does her boat leave?
00:22:095.45 from Southampton.
00:22:11Oh, why am I looking at my watch?
00:22:14Gav, we've got to go.
00:22:18Yes!
00:22:19Yes!
00:22:20Yes!
00:22:21Yes!
00:22:22Come on, Santa!
00:22:24Yes!
00:22:25Oh, this is marvellous.
00:22:28There she is!
00:22:29Nessa!
00:22:30Here we are, Nessa!
00:22:32Nessa, don't get on the boat!
00:22:34Oh, Nick, I can't take the strain.
00:22:38All right?
00:22:39What's occurring?
00:22:40Surely, one last time.
00:22:44Oh, what's occurring?
00:22:46SHE LAUGHS
00:22:48Go on, my son.
00:22:50Come on, Smithy, tell her how you feel.
00:22:52This is your time now.
00:22:54Five years ago on Christmas Day, you asked me a question
00:22:56and I didn't answer you.
00:22:57I know.
00:22:58And I thought about it every day.
00:23:00And I'm sorry.
00:23:02I'm sorry I left you hanging.
00:23:03I wasn't ready, I suppose.
00:23:05But I am now.
00:23:07Oh.
00:23:08Oh, it's a bit too late.
00:23:10I've got a new bloke on the hook.
00:23:11Shut up.
00:23:12I guess what I'm saying is, ask me again.
00:23:14Ask me again?!
00:23:15I'll tell him to piss off.
00:23:16I'm saying you can ask me now.
00:23:18His balls aren't right up.
00:23:20No.
00:23:21Oh, don't.
00:23:22Why did I know she was going to say,
00:23:24God, you'll spoil me Christmas now?
00:23:26I only ever asked once.
00:23:28You had your chance.
00:23:29Never took it.
00:23:30Oh.
00:23:31Good girl.
00:23:32Well, you ask her then, you silly man.
00:23:36You can't do this.
00:23:37Come on, you can't do it.
00:23:39I don't know what it is or why it is
00:23:42or when this thing that was nothing
00:23:45became something that is now.
00:23:48This thing that was nothing became something
00:23:51and right now is everything.
00:23:53But it did.
00:23:54Oh, he's doing a Hugh Grant waffle.
00:23:56But I love you, Nessa.
00:23:58Whoa!
00:24:00Oh, man.
00:24:01Right, I always have.
00:24:03I mean, not always, but most of the time.
00:24:07Really?
00:24:08Yeah, that's it.
00:24:09You don't have to ask me.
00:24:13I'll ask you.
00:24:14Oh.
00:24:15The right thing.
00:24:16Go on.
00:24:17Look, it's making me cry.
00:24:19Nessa.
00:24:22Will you marry me?
00:24:23Come on, Ness.
00:24:24Oh, kid.
00:24:25I love you.
00:24:28Will you marry me?
00:24:33Don't say no.
00:24:35Go on, say yes.
00:24:37Please say yes, Ness.
00:24:38Please.
00:24:39Don't say no.
00:24:41I, Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins, take you...
00:24:45Neil Noel Edmund Smith.
00:24:47Oh!
00:24:48Yes!
00:24:49Oh, yes!
00:24:53Oh, God shed him.
00:24:55A richer for poorer.
00:24:57Till death us two part.
00:24:59Oh, it's making me cry.
00:25:01In you big whimper, I'm not crying.
00:25:03Much.
00:25:04Which just leaves me to pronounce that they are now,
00:25:07finally, husband and wife.
00:25:10Yes!
00:25:13Woo!
00:25:16This is literally the best Christmas.
00:25:19This is a really good ending to a really good Christmas day.
00:25:25Yes!
00:25:26You may now kiss the bride.
00:25:27No.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29What?
00:25:30Sorry?
00:25:31We don't kiss.
00:25:32Never have.
00:25:33Never will.
00:25:34Just not something that we do.
00:25:36I forgot about this, you know.
00:25:37That is so funny.
00:25:39Ha-ha-ha!
00:25:40Knew it!
00:25:41CHEERING
00:25:44Oh!
00:25:45That's been my Christmas, Sarah.
00:25:47I know.
00:25:48I think it's the most rewarding thing I've ever seen.
00:25:51Even though I wasn't interested in them before.
00:25:54Oh, it's so emotional and I mean, everybody...
00:25:57Oh, I popped myself in the eye.
00:25:59LAUGHTER
00:26:01It's a bit like that film It's A Wonderful Life with James Stewart,
00:26:05where the whole village comes to his house
00:26:09to say what they feel about him.
00:26:12You don't tend to get emosh as often as you used to, Mary,
00:26:17whenever... I know why you don't get so emosh.
00:26:20Cos the Queen's dead.
00:26:21Cos the Queen's dead and she was always the one that triggered it.
00:26:24Look, even the name of the Queen, Mary.
00:26:35In Leeds...
00:26:36Do you reckon Nat's going to propose to me on Christmas Day?
00:26:39Well, it's one of them.
00:26:40You shouldn't really dwell on it too much
00:26:42cos you might let it spoil your Christmas.
00:26:44..Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
00:26:46Well, he fucking better not propose to me this Christmas
00:26:49with his gammy finger.
00:26:51Imagine picture on Facebook.
00:26:53I'd have to crop my finger out.
00:26:55That'd be just your luck!
00:26:57That would be just your luck.
00:26:59Waited seven years, eight years, is it now?
00:27:02Yeah.
00:27:04And he proposes to you when your finger looks like that.
00:27:07Yes, scratch that, I hope he don't propose to me this year!
00:27:11Over the weekend before Christmas,
00:27:13ITV took us on another trip down memory lane.
00:27:17What is it? Oh, my God!
00:27:19Bullying star!
00:27:20Remember this from the 80s?
00:27:22The 80s?!
00:27:23The 80s!
00:27:24Fucking... That was ages ago!
00:27:26This won't have the same 80s vibe.
00:27:28It won't be the casual racism and misogyny.
00:27:32Good old days. Yeah, we do miss that.
00:27:38I think you would have been the dark play
00:27:40and I would have been the non-dark player.
00:27:43Cos she was good, I can't believe that.
00:27:45Yeah, but you're thick as well, so we won't even get to the family.
00:27:52It's the bullseye!
00:27:55Oi, oi, oi!
00:27:57Matching host, Freddie, double top, flint off!
00:28:01Oh, it's Freddie! I more like Freddie Flintoff.
00:28:04Come on, Freddie, yeah? He's looking sharp.
00:28:06It's time to reveal Bully's famous prize board.
00:28:09It's always shite prizes on Bully.
00:28:11Now, this is the chance for you to see some really naff prizes, Mary.
00:28:15Cos I think I remember in the past thinking,
00:28:17oh, I'd rather not have that.
00:28:20In one!
00:28:22Here we go, Cheryl.
00:28:23In one!
00:28:25You're not going to do all As.
00:28:26Top of the range Pixel 9 Fold phone from Google.
00:28:29Look at that flip-top phone.
00:28:31Oh, nice. Oh, that's not bad, is it?
00:28:34That's worth a few hundred.
00:28:36Well, that's worth having, isn't it, Nutty?
00:28:38Maybe.
00:28:39In five!
00:28:41In five!
00:28:43It's an American-style fridge-freezer full of McCain chips.
00:28:47Oh, now, that's a nice one.
00:28:49Oh, my God, look at all them hash browns and chips!
00:28:52And Bully's special prize!
00:28:55Enjoy a stunning trip to Cornwall.
00:28:58Ooh!
00:28:59Thanks to Great Western Railway...
00:29:01Bloody Cornwall.
00:29:03Christ, I thought it was somewhere abroad.
00:29:05Cornwall, you know, on the Great Western Railway.
00:29:08..travelled down on the Riviera Sleeper Service...
00:29:11Oh, how lovely, that's my dream to sleep on the train, Mum.
00:29:15Is it? It is.
00:29:17Is it a prize or a fault like this?
00:29:19In this game, Tony gets six darts and Kenny gets three darts.
00:29:22Are they famous, those two people?
00:29:24No, those are members of the public, Mary.
00:29:26Kenny, you are throwing first.
00:29:28Are you any good at throwing darts?
00:29:30Would you need to stand on a step to get level with the board?
00:29:33Probably, yeah.
00:29:35That's red, it's number two.
00:29:37Red, number two.
00:29:40That's red, it's number one.
00:29:42The smartphone!
00:29:44Well, he ain't doing bad here, is he?
00:29:46How's two of them going to win one mobile?
00:29:48It's a flip-top, love the story.
00:29:50Now, Kenny, it's your turn.
00:29:52Yeah.
00:29:53Now, just settle into it.
00:29:56Hold on, hold on, Kenny, do not throw that dart.
00:29:59Oh, what's he doing?
00:30:00Kenny, how would you like Luke Littler
00:30:03to throw those darts instead of you?
00:30:05Oh, yes.
00:30:06I thought so.
00:30:07Oh, Luke Littler would win me them trains.
00:30:13Go on, Luke.
00:30:14It fascinates me that he's, like, 17
00:30:17but somehow looks like a 50-year-old father of three.
00:30:21What number would you like him to go for?
00:30:23It's the fridge-freezer.
00:30:24I'll have a trip to Cornwall, please, Luke.
00:30:26You will, not them, you will.
00:30:28That's your prize, yeah.
00:30:30Make it one way, please.
00:30:32Oh, one way.
00:30:34Marvellous banter, isn't it, Nobby?
00:30:39That's the bullseye!
00:30:41Bullseye!
00:30:43Bullseye!
00:30:48It's a trip to Cornwall.
00:30:50Pack your bucket in spades.
00:30:52What I like about bullseye is they've kept it authentic
00:30:55in the fact that it's still shite.
00:30:57Yeah, it's the exact same. Yeah. I love it.
00:30:59You wouldn't want to change that. No.
00:31:01That's fundamentals, really.
00:31:06I played Santa once.
00:31:08I still don't get how you played Santa.
00:31:10It was easy. I wore a Santa suit, a white beard,
00:31:13I put a cushion in my...
00:31:15..in my tunic and that was it.
00:31:18And then spoke in Santa's voice.
00:31:20Go on.
00:31:22Ho-ho-ho, that's it.
00:31:24You're ageing, though, you should go,
00:31:26Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho-ho.
00:31:28What's wrong with Santa?
00:31:30Ho-ho. I'm a progressive Santa.
00:31:34Just before Christmas, there was a canine cracker on Channel 4.
00:31:38Jilly, I'm going to put this one on.
00:31:40It's your favourite programme. Put it on.
00:31:42Good girl.
00:31:44Oh, the doghouse.
00:31:46It's where you reside at Christmas, isn't it?
00:31:48Yeah.
00:31:52You do know this is going to be really, really bad
00:31:54because now we don't have a dog,
00:31:56I'm going to want to get every single dog that's on there.
00:31:58I want to get a rescue dog next.
00:32:00You said, I only want to have enough dogs.
00:32:03Well, yeah, I do have enough dogs for now.
00:32:06Georgia, a Saluki cross, is being brought back to Woodgreen.
00:32:09Oh, no. Oh, why?
00:32:11After struggling to cope with the external noises at her new home.
00:32:15I've got the poor dog's face thinking, I'm back here again.
00:32:18The environment outside my house is just not for her.
00:32:22Move, then.
00:32:25I really love her. I want the best for her.
00:32:28Absolutely, yeah. Oh, what a shame.
00:32:30Oh. She's doing the right thing, isn't she?
00:32:33Bye-bye, darling.
00:32:35Thank you for bringing her in.
00:32:37Bye-bye.
00:32:39Oh!
00:32:41In all fairness, I might cry at this. This is sad.
00:32:44Get you a nice home, shall we? Yes.
00:32:47Oh, don't.
00:32:49Oh, my God, I've become one of those dog people.
00:32:52Can you feel it? Is your heart, like, breaking for Georgia?
00:32:55Come on, then, monkey. Come on, then.
00:32:57Oh, disabled wheelchair user person.
00:32:59Oh, my God.
00:33:01I love Mona so much.
00:33:03She looks quite old, Lee.
00:33:05Which? What, the dog? No, the dog.
00:33:07Cos she's got whiskers, hasn't she?
00:33:09A bit like me.
00:33:11And a furry friend for a bit of festive fun are Ellen and Mona.
00:33:16Oh, they've come for another dog, have they?
00:33:18We lost her sister in Christmas last year.
00:33:21Oh, no.
00:33:23Oh, I bet Mona's really missed her sibling.
00:33:25Una was a Saluki cross. She was a lovely old woman.
00:33:28Georgia was a Saluki cross, wasn't she? She was.
00:33:31Did you hear what I hear?
00:33:33I heard what you heard.
00:33:35Right, well, we'll go and have a look, see what we can find.
00:33:38We're in the filing cabinet now. What have we got in?
00:33:41What have we got in?
00:33:43We did find a lovely dog called Georgia.
00:33:48It's the dog that got dropped off.
00:33:50So Georgia is actually a Saluki cross.
00:33:53Do you mind returns?
00:33:56Shall we go and find your doggy friend?
00:33:58Yes. Yes.
00:34:00It sounds like a match made in heaven, this, if it all goes well.
00:34:05Oh, here she comes.
00:34:07Nice.
00:34:11Please like each other.
00:34:14Oh, look at Mona's tail.
00:34:16I'm just seeing Mona's little tail.
00:34:18I'm trying not to cry.
00:34:20Aw. What do you think?
00:34:22What do you think, Georgia?
00:34:24Georgia's taken a while to warm up, hasn't she?
00:34:26Yeah, of course.
00:34:28Oh! Oh! Oh!
00:34:31Oh, get back!
00:34:33She's not happy she's Georgia.
00:34:35Georgia, sit.
00:34:37I know, it's very scary, isn't it?
00:34:41Oh, no.
00:34:42She's spiky cos she's scared, not because she doesn't like her.
00:34:45Might be better if Ellen comes in.
00:34:47What, and Ellen can calm Mona down a bit, can't she?
00:34:50Hiya, Max.
00:34:52Come say hello, puppy.
00:34:54That's really good, Georgia.
00:34:56Aw, Georgia's gone over to say hello.
00:34:58That's a good sign. Come on then.
00:35:02You are, your little waggy tail, you are so cute.
00:35:04Georgia's looking like she wants to get up, ain't she?
00:35:06Yeah. Say hello.
00:35:08Oh, look at that. Come on, Georgia.
00:35:10Try and come out. Come on then.
00:35:12Aw, look. Aw.
00:35:14Aw, Mona. Oh, no.
00:35:16Oh, my word, one up, one down.
00:35:18Is Mona jealous that Georgia is getting some fuss?
00:35:21She's a proper soppy dog, isn't she? She is, yeah.
00:35:23She's comfortable with you.
00:35:25Georgia really likes Ellen, doesn't she?
00:35:27Yeah. So that's working.
00:35:31Come on. Come on. Come on, Mona.
00:35:34That looks... See, that's better.
00:35:36Yes. Good girl.
00:35:38You funny girls. Good girl.
00:35:41Aw, they're kissing.
00:35:43There we are. We sorted.
00:35:45Didn't take long, did it?
00:35:47Go on, Zoomies, go to Mum.
00:35:49Did we just leave Mum in the picture?
00:35:51Aw, yay, they're playing.
00:35:53Zoomies. Oh.
00:35:57Yeah.
00:35:59DOG BARKS
00:36:01Aw, look at them.
00:36:03They love each other.
00:36:05Oh, are they going to bark a lot like that, though?
00:36:07Yeah. I'm not sure about that.
00:36:09Do you think if you substituted lonely people for dogs,
00:36:13people would adopt a lonely person?
00:36:16Oh, you mean like a bestie dog's home for lonely people?
00:36:19Yes. It's a marvellous idea.
00:36:21And then well-wishers could go round just before Christmas
00:36:24and invite them to join them... Yes.
00:36:26..if they like the look of them.
00:36:28And then if they like the look of them and they got on really well,
00:36:31they could have... Keep them?
00:36:33..giant kennels for them. No.
00:36:43In Blackpool...
00:36:44The arpeggios, get the antlers on.
00:36:46Why have I got to wear this helmet?
00:36:48Because I'm doing the ring toss.
00:36:50..Pete and his little sister Sophie.
00:36:52Right, are you ready?
00:36:54Yeah.
00:36:55Are you even aiming for them?
00:36:58No, you've got to aim for...
00:37:04You deserve that.
00:37:07Yes, losing an eye for Christmas.
00:37:17As the big day approached,
00:37:19we had a visit from a ghost of Christmas past on BBC Four.
00:37:23I need to put Mum on puddings.
00:37:25Oh, yes.
00:37:26Does she know this yet?
00:37:28No, she doesn't know yet.
00:37:29And what should I say to her? It's Max's only.
00:37:32Yeah.
00:37:33No, her maid, tell her.
00:37:35Do you want to know what she's made?
00:37:39Fanny Craddock.
00:37:40She's old school.
00:37:41Who's Fanny? She's the OG.
00:37:43She's a cook.
00:37:44She's not a chef.
00:37:46She's a cook.
00:37:47Do you like bossy women?
00:37:49I've never known anything different.
00:37:52I do not remember her.
00:37:54You will when you see her.
00:37:58What a name.
00:37:59Fanny Craddock cooks for Christmas.
00:38:02Royal mincemeat.
00:38:03Oh, my God, what's she going to be cooking?
00:38:06Hello.
00:38:07Oh, my God.
00:38:08Who is this?
00:38:09I remember her.
00:38:11I'll be with you in a minute.
00:38:13I'll be with you in a minute.
00:38:15In the programme,
00:38:16we were all trying to keep up with Fanny's Christmas menu
00:38:19as she headed to the hob.
00:38:21Butter and a proper omelette pan I've got here.
00:38:24What is she going to do for us?
00:38:27The butter turns brown
00:38:28and that's the right moment to dip your egg mixture in.
00:38:31What's she doing egg?
00:38:32Now, the egg mixture is, in fact, just eggs.
00:38:34What are you making, love?
00:38:35Is she cooking us an omelette?
00:38:37Yeah.
00:38:38Is this a Christmas omelette?
00:38:39Pick up the fools as they form around the outer edge
00:38:42with the fools in the middle.
00:38:44Pick up the fools as they form around the outer edge
00:38:46with the flat of the fork.
00:38:47I'm going to be noisy now, so I'm going to stop talking.
00:38:50OK.
00:38:52Thanks for the heads-up, Fanny.
00:38:56Shake.
00:38:57Scoop.
00:38:58Scoop.
00:38:59Scoop.
00:39:00Scoop.
00:39:03What?
00:39:04Fucking hell, Fanny, fucking hell.
00:39:10Now you will want to turn down your heat.
00:39:13That's not cooked.
00:39:14That's raw, that.
00:39:15Because you don't want it to get like leather
00:39:18while you're putting in the mincemeat.
00:39:20Oh, what?
00:39:21No.
00:39:22Mincemeat?
00:39:23What the fuck is she doing?
00:39:26So, you put the mincemeat over the surface in the centre.
00:39:30Raw egg and mincemeat.
00:39:32Oh, give over, Fanny, what?
00:39:34You're adding mincemeat to that, you mad bastard.
00:39:36She is.
00:39:37Now, then.
00:39:39Over with that, chap.
00:39:41That honestly looks like a bush tucker trial.
00:39:44And tip pan and omelette at sharp angles to each other.
00:39:48And find the bin and pour it in.
00:39:50But I always feel it looks a bit naked like that.
00:39:52What's she putting on there now?
00:39:54So, I like to dust it with sifted icing sugar.
00:39:57Icing sugar on top of the omelette?
00:40:00Are you all right?
00:40:01And there it is.
00:40:03Now...
00:40:04Jesus Christ.
00:40:05They've put a bit of keto and icing sugar on the top.
00:40:07Oh, my God.
00:40:08Who's eating that?
00:40:10It's a damp cloth because one of the disfiguring things, I think,
00:40:13is when you sift the icing sugar on
00:40:15and then you've got an unsightly rim around the edge.
00:40:19Oh, you can't have an unsightly rim at Christmas, Lee, can you?
00:40:23It'd be unsightly after eating that, I'll tell you that for nothing.
00:40:26Remember something about omelettes.
00:40:28Something utterly and totally vital.
00:40:31Oh. Oh, yes.
00:40:32Why? OK. Yeah, what?
00:40:34Which I want you to bear in mind at all times.
00:40:36Yes, please. This is important stuff, Julie.
00:40:38You shouldn't eat that, ever.
00:40:40Ever!
00:40:41Because I want you to see when you serve it.
00:40:43Now, I want to say this.
00:40:45That that still is wet in the middle.
00:40:48Oh!
00:40:50My fave.
00:40:53There must have been a lot of strong bellies back in 1975, man.
00:40:56Strong bellies, lad.
00:40:58So, like Tiny Tim, God bless you all, I say.
00:41:01Goodnight.
00:41:02Goodnight.
00:41:05Look at that, Shirley. A veritable feast.
00:41:09Aw, fanny.
00:41:14She was one of a kind, Fanny Craddock.
00:41:16She certainly was.
00:41:20In North London...
00:41:22You know, Amira, the other day I was, like, to Khaled,
00:41:24like, has it been working with Amira?
00:41:27And, you know, he said to me...
00:41:29He goes, it's been hell that he's been suffering.
00:41:32And he said all this? Yeah.
00:41:34Sisters Amira and Amani.
00:41:36He did say you do scream a lot.
00:41:38I scream a lot, yeah. At people, yeah.
00:41:42OK, you might have noticed a tantrum or two of mine.
00:41:45OK, he should be really telling you this thing,
00:41:48so I happen inside, stay inside.
00:41:51So I don't know why he's telling you all this.
00:41:54Yeah, he told me everything.
00:41:56He said I scream a lot.
00:41:58That you're not nice to the people there as well.
00:42:01I am nice, I got them doughnuts last week.
00:42:04In the countdown to Christmas,
00:42:06Netflix warmed us up with a brand-new rom-com.
00:42:09I love Christmas films a lot, especially, like, the cheesy ones.
00:42:13Oh, you'll love this one, then. It's pure cheddar.
00:42:18Hot Frosty is an oxymoron?
00:42:20You're an oxymoron.
00:42:22Is it about a snowman? Got to be.
00:42:24Hello.
00:42:26Kathy, what are you doing here?
00:42:28Oh, it's like a charity shop.
00:42:30Oh, here we are, sure, like home from home for you.
00:42:33So, how are you doing, honey? Oh, good, yeah, doing really good.
00:42:36The diner's keeping me really busy.
00:42:38And, um, outside of work?
00:42:40Outside of work.
00:42:42When I was younger, my mother always wanted me to meet someone.
00:42:46She always used to say,
00:42:48you'll never find the warmth unless you venture out into the cold.
00:42:52Oh, she's telling you to start looking around for the partner.
00:42:55By the time she got to the end of that sentence,
00:42:58I'd have started fretting, Natty, and I said, must crack on.
00:43:01Yeah. I've got lots of other errands to do.
00:43:03I'd love to stay chatting all day, but I simply haven't got time.
00:43:10Whenever you hear that sprinkle music,
00:43:12that means something magical has happened, Dad.
00:43:14Right. That's going to be a magic scarf.
00:43:16That is, though, surely you can tell. Yeah, I know. Yeah.
00:43:20MUSIC CONTINUES
00:43:23These are some epic snow sculptures. Hello.
00:43:28Clearly, you've been doing your push-ups.
00:43:30Who even made that one?
00:43:32Now, that is my type of snowman.
00:43:34Look at those pecs.
00:43:36Who's got time to make a Calvin Klein model out of snow?
00:43:42There you go. Pop that round.
00:43:44Cover your shame, mate. Cover your shame.
00:43:49Ooh, there's a little twinkle in his eye then.
00:43:53What's going to happen, Jay? What's going to happen?
00:43:55I bet he comes to life, don't it?
00:44:00Oh, no. Here comes the cheesy magic.
00:44:02This is where I want home.
00:44:06Look at the hair. So, wait, is he going to be naked?
00:44:09It's a naked man.
00:44:13Look, I told you he'd come to life.
00:44:15You know what, Snowy, you're the best looking thing since sliced bread.
00:44:20LAUGHTER
00:44:25Oh, God!
00:44:27What's that face?
00:44:29Seriously.
00:44:35Oh, he's a bit of all right, isn't he?
00:44:38Oh, I prefer him stiff, do you?
00:44:41Is he walking around with his bare arse out?
00:44:44Put some clothes on!
00:44:46Hello! Hi, there.
00:44:48Uh-oh. Couple of pensioners out for a walk.
00:44:50This is the last thing they need to see.
00:44:52Uh-oh. What was that?
00:44:54I'm not sure.
00:44:56Let's investigate.
00:44:58Let's investigate. She wants a closer look.
00:45:00I bet she does.
00:45:02If she did that round where I live, she'd get arrested.
00:45:04Even at Christmas.
00:45:06That's him. She doesn't realise, does she?
00:45:08I love talking.
00:45:10It is... It's amazing.
00:45:12Look, there he is.
00:45:14She'll recognise the scarf.
00:45:16Hi. Hi.
00:45:18Hi. It's... It's you.
00:45:20How would you feel if that happened to you, Jane?
00:45:22I'd run a mile.
00:45:28It's a little bit of chemistry, isn't it?
00:45:30It's a little bit of chemistry.
00:45:32It's a little bit of chemistry.
00:45:34It's a little bit of chemistry going on there, isn't there?
00:45:36Are these two going to end up together?
00:45:38Yeah. I think that's where it's going.
00:45:40This is your idea of hell, isn't it?
00:45:42Literally. I love movies like this.
00:45:44The cringier, the better. That's what I think.
00:45:46After being arrested by the town sheriff
00:45:48for streaking in the streets...
00:45:50Just turn the temperature down.
00:45:52Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
00:45:54To keep it cool.
00:45:56Oh, he's going to melt, Steve.
00:45:58Has nobody mentioned to the cop that he's a snowman?
00:46:00Mm-mm.
00:46:02Jack found himself in a spot of bother.
00:46:04Jack! Jack!
00:46:06Oh, my God, look at him, he's dying.
00:46:08Quick, put him in the fridge!
00:46:10He's leaking, bro.
00:46:12He's dripping blood.
00:46:14Get him out, get him cold.
00:46:16That sheriff, he's got water on his hands.
00:46:18He has.
00:46:20Not blood, water.
00:46:24Come on, you're a doctor, do something.
00:46:26Do what?
00:46:28Shook a couple of snowballs at him.
00:46:30I'm sorry, but what's a doctor
00:46:32going to do for a snowman?
00:46:34What the fuck?
00:46:36I mean, it's crazy, it's been two weeks,
00:46:38and I know I'm a rational person,
00:46:40but I am...
00:46:42I am falling in love with you.
00:46:44Fucking filling up here, me, Julie.
00:46:46Well, that won't help, because you need to say
00:46:48something cold and cold-hearted, isn't it?
00:46:52Not hot stuff like that.
00:46:54Not hot stuff!
00:46:56Cathy,
00:46:58he's gone.
00:47:00Oh, he's gone, she's not even checked his pulse.
00:47:02What kind of doctor are you?
00:47:04Diagnosed from a five-metre distance.
00:47:06She's not laid a finger on him.
00:47:08Doctor says dead.
00:47:12Oh, don't tell me he's going to come back now.
00:47:14If I know my magical films,
00:47:16the kiss is all you need.
00:47:18Let's go, honey.
00:47:20Let Sheriff Hunter take care of this.
00:47:22They're not all leaving him there, are they?
00:47:24Ah, they've got things to do, my nigger,
00:47:26Christmas to get on with.
00:47:30Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:47:32I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting.
00:47:34Once they all turn away...
00:47:36Cathy?
00:47:38Oh, he's there!
00:47:40He's alive?
00:47:42He's like, Jesus, it's a Christmas miracle!
00:47:48I thought you were dead.
00:47:50We all thought he... Well, we didn't think he was dead, did we?
00:47:52Are you all right, Jane?
00:47:54Are you all right, Jane?
00:47:56Is it a bit too much?
00:47:58I thought you were dead.
00:48:00That fucking idiot over there said you were dead.
00:48:02And that's our GP.
00:48:04She cut Frank's leg off last week.
00:48:06You're questioning that now?
00:48:08You nearly had an ingrowing toenail.
00:48:18Do you know something, Jenny?
00:48:20I haven't got my regifting bag any more.
00:48:22I don't do it now.
00:48:24I've seen people with my present.
00:48:26I've bought you.
00:48:28Best friends Jenny and Lee.
00:48:30Oh, look what Lee and Steve got us.
00:48:32Well, I got them that last year.
00:48:36And like the friend I am, I never mentioned it.
00:48:38Really?
00:48:40Yeah.
00:48:42God, he did buy her some shit.
00:48:44Over the festive period,
00:48:46more cake was being baked
00:48:48to appear as something fake on Netflix.
00:48:50Cake?
00:48:52I think I can safely say it's not cake.
00:48:54It's a rock cake.
00:48:56It's...
00:48:58Cheese.
00:49:00OK, shall we waste some more time?
00:49:02I'd love to waste some more time.
00:49:04What is it this time, Natalie?
00:49:06Cake. Is it a cake?
00:49:08Oh.
00:49:12I don't know if you know this, Simon,
00:49:14but many years and years and years ago,
00:49:16I made a penis cake
00:49:18for someone's birthday.
00:49:22Thankfully, it wasn't my birthday.
00:49:24Here we go, bakers.
00:49:26It's time to figure out what each of you is baking today.
00:49:28I bet it's a cake.
00:49:30Johnny.
00:49:32I think I'm going to go with the ice cake.
00:49:34Oh!
00:49:36That's a bit ambitious.
00:49:38What do you think? Laces.
00:49:40I'm a content creator, I'm an influencer, I make videos.
00:49:42I'm everything, you name it.
00:49:44I do it all.
00:49:46Everything I've done on the show before is really good.
00:49:48So many kids and families
00:49:50are inspired by stuff they see on the show,
00:49:52things they've seen on my social media.
00:49:54Oh, Sian, you'd love that!
00:49:56A pair of Crocs.
00:49:58I do follow this guy, actually.
00:50:00I've never made an ice skate cake before.
00:50:02There's a lot of structure that has to happen to this cake.
00:50:04It's very similar, though, isn't it?
00:50:06Yes. It's a piece of footwear.
00:50:08If he's done a Croc, he can do a skate.
00:50:12Man, this soul's going to be harder than I thought.
00:50:14How the hell would you make a soul out of cake?
00:50:18Oh, something cracked!
00:50:20Oh, it's not looking good, that.
00:50:22It's not looking stable, is it?
00:50:24The ice skate soul is breaking, and my soul is breaking.
00:50:26His soul inside is breaking.
00:50:28Apparently.
00:50:30They take this seriously.
00:50:32Johnny's deep.
00:50:34I'm pretty devastated.
00:50:36Oh, he's crying.
00:50:38All I want to do right now is, like, throw in the towel.
00:50:40You don't have to throw in the towel yet.
00:50:42You've still got two hours, 46 minutes
00:50:44and 55 seconds.
00:50:46I let it set. It looks good. It's not breaking.
00:50:48Now that's looking better.
00:50:50Far more stable.
00:50:52I'm really hoping that I can make up for lost time.
00:50:54Oh, that's amazing!
00:50:56Hey, it's coming to look like a boot, isn't it?
00:50:58A bit later, it was time to see
00:51:00if the judges could spot Johnny's cake
00:51:02amongst four other ice skates.
00:51:04Bakers!
00:51:06You've finished your snow day cakes.
00:51:08Now it's time to see if you can make your way
00:51:10through to the finale.
00:51:12I like this bit. I like this bit.
00:51:14This is the best bit, isn't it?
00:51:16You always get it wrong. I know.
00:51:18You'll be eating fucking rubber. I know.
00:51:20Cake wall, spin!
00:51:22Bring on the cakes!
00:51:24You don't get long, you know.
00:51:26Let's see if you can find it.
00:51:28Ooh, let's have a look now.
00:51:30Your time starts now.
00:51:32Oh, my God, that's actually quite hard.
00:51:34Mm.
00:51:36Where's my glasses?
00:51:38One looks too perfect.
00:51:40Don't mislead us, Steven.
00:51:42Is that a cake? That looks like a cake.
00:51:44The lace on one look like real lace.
00:51:46Yeah, they do.
00:51:48The laces on one look like real laces
00:51:50and the heel's very thick and his wasn't.
00:51:52Two is just too dirty.
00:51:54That's got cake vibes in it.
00:51:56Oh, fucking hell, that looks like cake at all.
00:51:58I think it's two. I can actually see the jam filling.
00:52:00It might not be, you know.
00:52:02I feel like it's four
00:52:04cos it's a little wider than the rest of them.
00:52:06Oh, yeah! Oh, it's four.
00:52:08Yeah, it is four. Jesus Christ, it's melting.
00:52:10Look at the state of it.
00:52:12100%.
00:52:14That looks like he's going to settle with a rice ball, that.
00:52:16Look at the sole on it.
00:52:18Five seconds.
00:52:20Five, four, one, two...
00:52:22This is really hard.
00:52:24They all look sheer.
00:52:26What are you going for? Four is cake.
00:52:28I'm going three is cake.
00:52:30BELL
00:52:32Judges, that was intense.
00:52:34Four. I mean, come on.
00:52:36It's 100% number four, innit?
00:52:38Is it cake?
00:52:44Is it cake?
00:52:46Is it cake?
00:52:48BELL
00:52:50It is cake.
00:52:52Oh, yes, it's cake!
00:52:54I'm actually not mad.
00:52:56Like, I'm so grateful.
00:52:58When someone says, I'm actually not mad,
00:53:00they're mad.
00:53:02I'm OK right now.
00:53:06I'm not.
00:53:08I'm so happy.
00:53:12In Wiltshire...
00:53:14That's a very, very good idea, Mary.
00:53:16What is?
00:53:18I could have the ultimate Christmas one-upmanship.
00:53:20A corkscrew hazel wreath.
00:53:22Giles and his wife, Mary.
00:53:24This one's already a bit bendy.
00:53:26OK, shall we test it to destruction?
00:53:32Look how bendy that is.
00:53:34Uh-oh.
00:53:36Mary?
00:53:38Didn't you make a teepee once?
00:53:40Quite by accident, Mary.
00:53:42We've got the outline of President de Gaulle.
00:53:44Let's see it.
00:53:46Oh, very much.
00:53:48President de Gaulle, Mary.
00:53:50We've got the outline of President de Gaulle.
00:53:52Silhouette portrait.
00:53:54This year, Channel 4 was bringing
00:53:56all the festive feels
00:53:58with a special Christmas edition of this.
00:54:00And that's dates now consist of
00:54:02going to the garden centre for something to eat,
00:54:04for a carvery or a full English.
00:54:06It was our first date, right?
00:54:08Perfect, wasn't it?
00:54:10It was really nice, yeah.
00:54:12I really fancied you then.
00:54:14Yeah, what happened?
00:54:18Will you be taking Paige out over Christmas?
00:54:20Well, if you're willing to look after the kids, yeah.
00:54:22I don't know.
00:54:24Well, I can't leave him in on the rattle.
00:54:26Returning to the restaurant
00:54:28and hoping for some magic under the mistletoe
00:54:30is 30-year-old Isaac.
00:54:32Now you see,
00:54:34that's put me off straight away.
00:54:36Why is he wearing a fucking Christmas jumper?
00:54:38Because maybe he ain't got none more clothes on.
00:54:40I won't go out with anybody who wears a Christmas jumper.
00:54:42Last time,
00:54:44I might have overdid it by talking about
00:54:46Pokemon a bit too much.
00:54:48Textbook, we've all been there.
00:54:50That'll do it.
00:54:52How would you have felt if Nat had talked non-stop about Pokemon
00:54:54on your first date?
00:54:56I was going to say,
00:54:58he didn't say two words on your first date, did he?
00:55:00Ready to spread some Christmas cheer
00:55:02is Isaac's date,
00:55:04Rhiannon.
00:55:06Rhiannon, yeah?
00:55:08OK, she's all about Christmas.
00:55:10I think we've cracked the case here.
00:55:12Here you are. Enjoy it.
00:55:14Merry Christmas.
00:55:16He's a bit touchy-feely, Isaac.
00:55:18That's a nice hug.
00:55:20That was a nice hug.
00:55:22Take a seat.
00:55:24Brilliant.
00:55:26Flattered, absolutely flattered to meet you.
00:55:28Flattered, no.
00:55:30How old is your name?
00:55:32I love the Christmas jumper.
00:55:34Oh, thank you. I'm glad you like it.
00:55:36I'm glad it still fits.
00:55:38They like each other, though.
00:55:40I think Isaac really likes her.
00:55:42He does. He's hit the jackpot.
00:55:44I really like a nerdy guy.
00:55:46I think, Rhiannon, you could be in luck.
00:55:48You're killing it.
00:55:50You've got the right guy here.
00:55:52Oh, no!
00:55:54That lasted long, Isaac. Nice mate.
00:55:56Don't mention Pokemon.
00:55:58She might like it, though.
00:56:00I do know Pokemon, yeah.
00:56:02I've always...
00:56:04You might hate me for this,
00:56:06I've always been more on the Yu-Gi-Oh! side.
00:56:08Yu-Gi-Oh! rivals.
00:56:10Yu-Gi-Oh! I love Yu-Gi-Oh!
00:56:12They've got such similar vibes
00:56:14than Pater.
00:56:16If we were at a bar,
00:56:18what would you be looking for in a guy?
00:56:20What kind of guy?
00:56:22What's my usual type?
00:56:24Yeah.
00:56:26It's fishing there, isn't it?
00:56:28That's a dangerous question.
00:56:30My usual type is usually long hair.
00:56:32Oh.
00:56:34Beards.
00:56:36I could grow this.
00:56:38I'll grow all this out.
00:56:40Sort of Viking-esque.
00:56:42Viking-esque?
00:56:44He ain't giving Viking-esque, is he?
00:56:46She wants Jason.
00:56:48She's got Jason Orange.
00:56:50Fuck, yeah.
00:56:52Aw, that's amazing.
00:56:54LAUGHTER
00:56:56He's just took a swift one to the nuts there.
00:56:58LAUGHTER
00:57:00She's gone woof, straight in the nuts.
00:57:02Would you like to see each other again?
00:57:04Please say yes.
00:57:06It's going to either make or break our Christmases.
00:57:08I know.
00:57:10These two have got to see each other again.
00:57:12I'm praying.
00:57:14So I was going to suggest a second date.
00:57:16Say something, Isaac.
00:57:18I was thinking a picnic in the park.
00:57:20She hasn't said yeah yet, though, has she?
00:57:22I will happily go to a picnic with you.
00:57:24Oh, fantastic.
00:57:26Oh, my God.
00:57:28They're like the perfect match for each other.
00:57:30I'm going to cry.
00:57:32I think you are absolutely super.
00:57:34Oh, super.
00:57:36Oh, good.
00:57:38Perfect, Mary.
00:57:40Isn't that charming?
00:57:42Super is a word I haven't heard since the 1970s.
00:57:44Christmas is a time to party,
00:57:46and what do we do at Christmas?
00:57:48We sing.
00:57:50Do we? Oh, my God.
00:57:52No, I...
00:57:54No, we.
00:57:56Oh, my God.
00:57:58Of course Isaac's up there on the bloody microphone, of course.
00:58:00There is just one thing
00:58:02I need...
00:58:04It's too much now, Julie.
00:58:06Don't start fucking crying.
00:58:08Oh, my God.
00:58:10Jenny, are you all right?
00:58:12Bless you.
00:58:14All I want
00:58:16for Christmas
00:58:18is you.
00:58:20Is you.
00:58:22Is you.
00:58:24Oh, that's good, that.
00:58:26I loved it.
00:58:28That's a happy story, wasn't it?
00:58:30We don't often get happy stories in Britain today.
00:58:32Oh, nag off.
00:58:34Nag off.
00:58:36I'm saying, isn't that nice to have a happy story for a change?
00:58:38Yes.
00:58:42In Derby...
00:58:44Guys, you won't believe it,
00:58:46I'm going to the dentist
00:58:48the first time in, like, three years.
00:58:50And Mel booked the appointment,
00:58:52and guess what time?
00:58:54No, it isn't.
00:58:56It is 2.30.
00:58:58No way.
00:59:00He's booked for 2.30.
00:59:02You're a fibber.
00:59:04You got that joke from A Christmas Cracker.
00:59:06Russell, I kid you not, man, it's proper.
00:59:082.30 I'm going.
00:59:10Me too, I wish my time was 2.30.
00:59:12Oh, yeah, forget it.
00:59:14You're jealous now, aren't you?
00:59:16Yeah, I am.
00:59:18My 12.40.
00:59:20What can you do with 12.40?
00:59:22Nothing.
00:59:24On the Wednesday before Christmas,
00:59:26we set sail for our favourite nautical murder mystery
00:59:28on Channel 5.
00:59:30Good ship murder is the only Christmas presents I need.
00:59:32You know, it really is.
00:59:34Just sensational.
00:59:36Jane Ward there, singing, dancing,
00:59:38it's a good old rounder.
00:59:44Dubrovnik, we've been there.
00:59:46Yeah.
00:59:48And that was on a cruise.
00:59:50It was, yeah.
00:59:52So, I'm in the airport checking,
00:59:54and I look behind me, and in the centre,
00:59:56with a massive sack of presents,
00:59:58was the stand-up comedy.
01:00:00I said, where's all your reindeer?
01:00:02It's minted from EastEnders.
01:00:04Do you know what I love about this?
01:00:06They've got all the waif and straits from the soaps.
01:00:08I love it.
01:00:10You're out of a job, get your arse on the cruise.
01:00:12And he goes,
01:00:14well, you know Rudolph's red nose?
01:00:16Turns out to be Covid.
01:00:18They're all in lockdown.
01:00:20Is he meant to be funny?
01:00:22When do the jokes start?
01:00:24Yeah.
01:00:26Oh, dear. He's dying of death up there, isn't he?
01:00:28Where are you two going? Sports and walk?
01:00:30We're all walking out!
01:00:32He's going down like a lead balloon, isn't he?
01:00:34Oh, bless.
01:00:36Maybe we could get the magic act going again.
01:00:38I could ring round some old booking agents.
01:00:40Their act is...
01:00:42Benetos.
01:00:44Yeah.
01:00:46As they say in Dubrovnik.
01:00:48Forget about the magic act.
01:00:50These fingers are as fast as they used to be.
01:00:54And let's be honest,
01:00:56no-one wants to see you in a leotard.
01:00:58Wow.
01:01:00No-one wants to see...
01:01:02Oh, dear.
01:01:04Would you like to see me in a leotard, won't he?
01:01:08Won't he?
01:01:16Ring on the cheese!
01:01:18Imagine how much the policy would be
01:01:20for travel insurance
01:01:22if you were going on that cruise.
01:01:24Be a fortune!
01:01:26Nobody comes off it alive.
01:01:32This is something that was made 30 years ago.
01:01:34Yeah.
01:01:36Before they had more up-to-date equipment.
01:01:38In the festive-themed episode,
01:01:40we saw Jack and his team
01:01:42trying to stop Christmas being cancelled
01:01:44by finding someone to play Santa
01:01:46aboard the cruise.
01:01:48Buddy, one bad night
01:01:50doesn't mean it's the end of your career.
01:01:52Or part of the other 50 bad nights.
01:01:54There he is.
01:01:56Look at him.
01:01:58It's your father Christmas.
01:02:00I'll have a coffee
01:02:02and a Ricky a chaser.
01:02:04Actually, hold the coffee.
01:02:06It's all a bit too perfect, isn't it?
01:02:08He's sat down and he half looks like Santa already.
01:02:10That's what I think.
01:02:12Right, come on.
01:02:14We need to find a Santa.
01:02:16How are you going to find the right one?
01:02:18Through the power of Christmas.
01:02:20Santa's behind you!
01:02:22Oh, no, he isn't!
01:02:24Did I hear somebody say
01:02:26they were looking for Santa?
01:02:28Oh, my God.
01:02:30Christmas is saved!
01:02:32See? You've just got to believe.
01:02:34Oh, you've got the job.
01:02:36The magic of Christmas, Simon.
01:02:38That was the easiest search I've ever seen in my life.
01:02:40We've got to find the Santa.
01:02:42Here's Santa.
01:02:44So I said to Rudolph,
01:02:46we don't need your red nose anymore
01:02:48because I've got Santa now.
01:02:52He does a good Santa, doesn't he?
01:02:54He's found his audience for his jokes, hasn't he?
01:02:56He's doing very well as Santa, isn't he?
01:02:58Four-year-olds.
01:03:00It looks like reindeer.
01:03:02Oh, speaking of which,
01:03:04this is probably Rudolph.
01:03:06Who's this?
01:03:08Hang on.
01:03:10He recognises the number.
01:03:12Oh, he's got a bad message there.
01:03:14Santa's in the back alley here.
01:03:16That's not a good sign, is it?
01:03:18What was that?
01:03:20What was that, then?
01:03:22Santa's getting murdered.
01:03:24Oh, I'm sorry.
01:03:26I'm sorry?
01:03:28Who's he talking to?
01:03:30I'm really sorry.
01:03:32Oh, he's been put...
01:03:38What's that sticking out of him?
01:03:40Oh, Santa's been skewered.
01:03:44A bit later, and after a few wrong turns
01:03:46and a couple of red herrings,
01:03:48Jack had figured out who'd done it.
01:03:50You see, all of this has always been
01:03:52about people missing people at Christmas.
01:03:54Has it? Has it, Jack?
01:03:56Are we thinking it's Karen?
01:03:58She's next under scrutiny.
01:04:00If someone had said,
01:04:02I'd look shit in a leotard,
01:04:04I'd kill him with a Christmas tree.
01:04:06He didn't want to tour with you no more.
01:04:08Why has he said that?
01:04:10He met you to say goodbye,
01:04:12didn't he, Karen?
01:04:14Jack's like he's in court now, isn't he?
01:04:16It's like he's Poirot.
01:04:18And it's the prosecutor.
01:04:20I'm sorry.
01:04:22I'm sorry. Oh, here it is.
01:04:24I'm really sorry.
01:04:26Oh, jeez!
01:04:28It was Karen that murdered him!
01:04:30It was an accident.
01:04:32Yeah, Ada said it was an accident.
01:04:34She didn't mean to, she just pushed him.
01:04:36He fell on the tree.
01:04:38It's an accidental death by a Christmas tree.
01:04:40Please don't let this ruin your Christmas, Ada.
01:04:42I hope it haven't spoilt your Christmas.
01:04:44Of course it has.
01:04:46Why he's fanning about
01:04:48on a cruise ship
01:04:50beggars belief.
01:04:52Because he's got to be one of the finest detectives
01:04:54ever to roam this planet.
01:04:56Jack Grayling,
01:04:58will you please bring Christmas home?
01:05:00Here we go.
01:05:02Best part of the show.
01:05:04This is what it's all about for me.
01:05:06Time for the sing song.
01:05:08Oh, no, I'm dreading this.
01:05:10Aye, aye
01:05:12Feels like fire
01:05:14What is this song?
01:05:16It's the power of love.
01:05:18By Frankie Goes to Hollywood
01:05:20and also Gabriella Alpine.
01:05:22Dreams are like angels
01:05:24They keep
01:05:26at bay
01:05:28At bay
01:05:30Oh, we can sing.
01:05:32Scaring darkness
01:05:34away
01:05:38Can we add some
01:05:40Christmas cheer for a change?
01:05:42It's a bit dead for Christmas, isn't it?
01:05:44Imagine having your Christmas dinner
01:05:46and then you can't even listen to this
01:05:48after.
01:05:50This is depressing.
01:05:52The power
01:05:54of love
01:05:56A voice from above
01:05:58Oh,
01:06:00Jackie Singh, lovely.
01:06:02It's extraordinary that this program's popular, isn't it?
01:06:04Yeah.
01:06:06...
01:06:14...
01:06:16That's a very good,
01:06:18it sounds like
01:06:20he's in agony.
01:06:22Friggin' hell.
01:06:24Go
01:06:26Oh, thank God it's over.
01:06:28There's been two murders on this boat today.
01:06:30Yeah.
01:06:32Remember when Shane Ward
01:06:34always saying, oh, he's going to be Britain's answer to...
01:06:36Justin Timberlake.
01:06:37..to Justin Timberlake, and now she's going, oh, he's amazing.
01:06:40He's been on the West End. Been on the West End.
01:06:42Yeah, because he got the wrong management.
01:06:43If he would have had the proper...
01:06:45If I would have managed Shane Ward,
01:06:47he would have been as big as Justin Timberlake.
01:06:50Shane is on a par with Jane MacDonald now.
01:06:53He's a cruise ship singer.
01:06:54No, he isn't! Yes, he is.
01:06:56No, he isn't. He's just been singing on the cruise ship.
01:06:58Jane MacDonald is amazing and fantastic.
01:07:01Shane and Jane are getting along great now,
01:07:02because they're both cruise... Only thing is,
01:07:05like, Jane can't solve fucking murders like Shane.