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FunTranscript
00:00So what end?
00:04Hi. Again.
00:06Hi.
00:07Hi.
00:08Hi.
00:09This is it.
00:11I'll do the talking.
00:13Good thinking. I'll just be the muscle.
00:23I have a master's and two PhDs. I should not have to do this.
00:27What?
00:29I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility.
00:33And I hope that it won't color your opinion of Leonard,
00:36who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
00:44Oh, yeah. No.
00:49Oh, hey, Leonard.
00:53Just a heads up, fellas. If anyone gets lucky, I've got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
00:59Oh, hey, guys.
01:01Hey, sorry we're late.
01:06Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
01:07It's halo night.
01:11Leonard.
01:13Leonard.
01:14Leonard.
01:15What?
01:18I need to speak to you.
01:20It's two o'clock in the morning.
01:22It's important.
01:23I highly doubt that.
01:26Go away.
01:29Are you still out there?
01:32Yes.
01:35What?
01:37You're right. It can wait until morning.
01:44Hey, Leonard.
01:45Oh, hi, Penny. How's it going?
01:46Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
01:49Pretty much. Why?
01:50Nothing. Just catching up.
01:51By the way, may I speak to Missy, please?
01:54Hello, Penny. Leonard just left.
01:56I know. I want to talk to you.
01:58What would we talk about?
02:00We have no overlapping areas of interest, I'm aware of.
02:02As you know, I don't care for chit-chat.
02:05Can you just let me in?
02:06Well, all right, but I don't see this as a promising endeavor.
02:18Hey, Leonard.
02:19Hey, Penny.
02:21Hey.
02:27That's not the secret knock.
02:30This is the secret knock.
02:36What difference does it make?
02:37The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal
02:40to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators.
02:43Is that Raj and Howard?
02:45Possibly, but unverified.
02:47You just let us in.
02:49Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor.
02:56Penny, are you okay?
02:57I'm fine, Leonard. Just go away.
03:01Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful.
03:04Go away!
03:05Okay, feel better. Bye.
03:09I'm coming.
03:11Hey.
03:14There he is.
03:15There my old buddy-bud-bud.
03:19Enough. I have to sleep.
03:23Okay, well, you were great. Thanks.
03:29Oh, hey, Leonard. Listen, don't go in Sheldon's room.
03:31He's not wearing bottoms.
03:39Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
03:47Raj, look at you.
03:48I know. I'm resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
03:53Penny. Penny. Penny.
03:57Sheldon, what is it?
04:00Leonard's asleep.
04:02Penny. Penny. Penny.
04:06Sheldon, honey, I've told you, it's a small apartment.
04:08You only have to knock one time.
04:10Please, please, I don't have a lot of time.
04:18Sheldon?
04:25What are you doing?
04:27It's Morse code.
04:30Why?
04:32So we can communicate through the wall.
04:35We are communicating through the wall.
04:39Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.
04:42I don't know Morse code.
04:44Well, it's very simple. This is A.
04:47This is B.
04:49This is C.
04:50Sheldon, I'm not going to learn Morse code at 3 o'clock in the morning.
04:52All right.
04:55Don't come in here. Don't come in here. Don't come in here.
04:58Oh!
05:02Sheldon? Sheldon? Sheldon?
05:10Yes?
05:12Howard, get the door!
05:17Really? Is that what you do when someone knocks?
05:20Thank you. I had no idea.
05:25Hey, buddy. What brings you to my little slice of hell?
05:30Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
05:34What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
05:38Tell me what you see here.
05:39The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
05:43Penny. Penny. Penny.
05:48What?
05:50This is banana bread.
05:52Penny. Penny.
05:55What?
06:01Penny.
06:02Penny.
06:08Zucchini bread.
06:11Penny. Penny. Penny.
06:23Sheldon?
06:27Merry Christmas!
06:28Merry Christmas!
06:29How's your leg?
06:30Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
06:33Penny. Penny. Penny.
06:38This is for you.
06:40Hello, Sheldon.
06:42Hi.
06:44Okay, how about this? I'll do the talking. You just stand behind me and try to look formidable.
06:54I should have peed before we left.
06:57Yeah?
07:06I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
07:09What happened to your backup?
07:12I don't need backup.
07:17Hey.
07:18Hey.
07:20He called me slugger until I got my first training bra and then he just stopped playing catch with me.
07:27I wasn't slugger anymore.
07:32Your mother's here?
07:39Hi.
07:40You got alcohol?
07:41Your mom's still here?
07:42Yep.
07:43Come on in.
07:45Hey, we're all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You wanna come?
07:56Penny. Penny. Penny.
08:00Hey, Sheldon.
08:03It's 11 a.m.
08:04I know. You're safe.
08:10Morning.
08:11Morning. What's up?
08:12Nothing. We just pulled an all-nighter trying to fix a zero-gravity pasta maker.
08:17Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
08:22Sheldon, it's two o'clock in the morning.
08:24Why does everybody keep telling me what time it is?
08:28Penny.
08:29Sheldon.
08:38Penny.
08:39Sheldon.
08:43Penny.
08:44Sheldon.
08:45Penny.
08:46Sheldon.
08:47Penny.
08:48Sheldon.
08:49Penny!
08:51What do you want?
08:52I need access to the Cheesecake Factory's walk-in freezer.
08:55Yeah, honey, I already told you. The hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.
09:03Sheldon? Sheldon?
09:06I want a cookie, Meemaw.
09:09Long story. Don't ask.
09:13Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
09:17Do not make a sound.
09:21Whispering, do not make a sound, is a sound.
09:28Damn his Vulcan hearing.
09:31Not a good time, Sheldon.
09:34Penny. Penny. Penny.
09:37Oh, this is ridiculous.
09:40What?
09:41Hello, Penny.
09:45Hey, do you want to talk?
09:48About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing?
09:56And I didn't even get to go to Comic-Con.
10:03Sheldon, are you busy?
10:05Of course I'm busy.
10:08Should I wait?
10:09Yes, please.
10:11You are a dirty girl.
10:16Oh God, how did he know?
10:19Hello?
10:21Hi, Howard.
10:22Am I interrupting?
10:24A little bit, yeah.
10:26Raj. Raj. Raj.
10:32I'm busy.
10:33Doing what?
10:34Penny. Penny. Penny.
10:39Sheldon, come in.
10:41I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.
10:46There's some in the fridge.
10:48You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator.
10:50Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
10:55On Earth, we say thank you.
10:58Don't apologize to Penny.
11:02Don't apologize to Penny.
11:04What?
11:05Right now would be good.
11:07Leonard!
11:08Although a few minutes ago would have been better.
11:11Raj. Raj. Raj.
11:15Stop knocking, it's open.
11:24Howard, answer the door, I'm busy!
11:28I'm busy too, you answer it!
11:30I can't, I'm on the toilet!
11:36Penny. Penny. Penny.
11:39Come in, hurry!
11:43Penny.
11:44I'm back here.
11:49Penny. Penny. Penny.
11:52Oh, for God's sake, I'm in the bathroom!
11:55Shall I come back at a better time?
11:59Get in here!
12:01Hurry!
12:04Don't you dare knock!
12:10Hello.
12:15How you doing, buddy?
12:17I was humiliated on national radio, how do you think I'm doing?
12:22Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
12:26What is it?
12:30I made tea.
12:32I don't want tea.
12:34I didn't make tea for you.
12:39Sheldon?
12:47Yes?
12:49Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room,
12:53and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
12:58Well, I suppose.
13:00Come in.
13:06I'll sleep in Leonard's room, good night.
13:08Good night.
13:16Leonard, Penny. Leonard, Penny. Leonard, Penny.
13:21Come on, Sheldon!
13:27What the hell are you doing out there?
13:32I heard a noise.
13:36Sheldon, you got a minute?
13:37Of course, my good friend. Come in.
13:41Help me out.
13:42Which ski hat says Opry Super Collider?
13:49Hey, Sheldon?
13:51Listen, Penny's pretty sick, and she's not going to be able to go to Switzerland, so...
13:56If you're still interested, you're welcome to come.
14:02Penny. Penny. Penny.
14:08That's just wrong.
14:10Penny.
14:12Penny.
14:15Penny.
14:18What?
14:19This is for you.
14:23Ice cream?
14:24I've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Caffey.
14:31Penny.
14:33Penny.
14:38Penny.
14:41Here.
14:44I had to trade the others for my life.
14:48Leonard.
14:50Leonard.
14:52Leonard.
14:53Just come in!
14:56Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
15:01She's here! She's here! How do I look? Do I look smart?
15:08Oh, good grief. This isn't about you. I'm coming!
15:12Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century.
15:22Yes?
15:25I saw your light on.
15:26Is everything alright?
15:28Yeah, I just couldn't sleep.
15:30Me neither.
15:32Look what I'm reading.
15:33To you!
15:37What?
15:38What do you mean, what?
15:39It's Halo Night.
15:40Okay, Baby Doll Pink, let's see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad's feet.
15:46It's just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees.
15:49Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
15:54Yes, if we lived in a tea kettle.
15:56This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
15:59Oh, screw the roommate agreement.
16:01No, you don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.
16:07You know what? Go to hell and set their thermostat.
16:10I don't have to go to hell. It's 73 degrees. I'm there already.
16:18Who is it?
16:20Leonard.
16:21Hang on.
16:28Can I sleep on your couch tonight?
16:30Well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
16:35Heard that, huh?
16:37Yeah.
16:40Yeah.
16:51Dr. Cooper?
16:53No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
17:04Yes?
17:05Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter. I called you about the apartment. You said it called...
17:08I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
17:15Leonard.
17:17Shh, just pretend we're not here.
17:22Leonard.
17:24I'm sure he'll go away.
17:28I'm just gonna keep knocking till you answer.
17:32Leonard.
17:33Leonard.
17:34Leonard.
17:35What do you want? I didn't say come in.
17:38You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in.
17:46Oh, hi. What's going on?
17:48We're up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.
17:51I'm sorry, what?
17:56Coming.
18:01Damn you, you rat bastard.
18:04If she can do it, I can do it. If she can do it, I can do it. If she can do it, I can do it.
18:10I can't do it.
18:16Oh, hey Leonard.
18:18I was a perfectly happy, geeky, little, lonely guy. And you've ruined me.
18:26Penny. Penny. Penny.
18:31You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times?
18:37I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.
18:49What the hell?
18:54What's the matter?
18:55I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I'm nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.
19:05There's no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer when there was no malaria in Pasadena.
19:11Well, if it's not cholera, then based on a quick internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung's disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm, or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.
19:25When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?
19:29It's part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking in a 24-hour flower mart with a less than vigilant proprietor.
19:36Oh, Lord, my belly.
19:38Ever had your appendix out?
19:40I haven't. I've been meaning to, but who has the time?
19:44Let's get you to the hospital.
19:46So this is how it ends.
19:50With cruel irony, just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ.
19:59Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
20:02No.
20:03I do, and yet I'm doomed while you live on.
20:09Funny how things worked out, isn't it?
20:11Oh, Lord, I think it's about to burst.
20:16On the other hand, it might have been the brussels sprouts.
20:23Good night.
20:25Good night.
20:27Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.
20:32Penny! Penny! Penny!
20:35Coming! Coming!
20:38Hey, nice knees.
20:46Penny! Penny! Penny!
20:54What up, Shelbot?
20:56I have raised that boy. I've seen him at his best, I've seen him at his worst. There's nothing he can do that'll surprise me.
21:04Hold on to that thought.
21:06Ben.
21:12Surprise.
21:15Penny.
21:22Penny.
21:26Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
21:29Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.
21:33Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
21:38What?
21:39I heard a woman laughing.
21:41Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman.
21:46Coming.
21:52Dr. Cooper Pauly.
21:55I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
21:59Would you please get that?
22:01Of course.
22:04Why do you have to make things so complicated?
22:09Dr. Cooper.
22:10Yes?
22:11I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
22:13I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
22:21Yes?
22:22Oh, uh, is Penny here?
22:25You're Leonard, right?
22:27Yeah.
22:29Damn, it's good to finally meet you, son.
22:32Okay, I think a bit of context here might help.
22:35I mean, Leonard, I asked you, you met my dad.
22:37Oh, good, context.
22:41Penny.
22:43Penny.
22:47Babe. Open up.
22:49I'm not talking to you.
22:51Then who are you talking to?
22:55Babe.
22:58Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny.
23:06What the hell is wrong with you?
23:09I'm the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.
23:13Da da da da da da da da da da da da.
23:17Next on Turner Classic Movies, Bridget Jones' diary.
23:21Oh my god, I'm crying already.
23:23Oh my god.
23:26Raj.
23:28Raj.
23:29Raj.
23:35I need to sleep here tonight.
23:37Why?
23:38Howard is a complete and total ass,
23:40Bernadette is in Penny's bed,
23:41Amy bites, and Penny may or may not
23:43have coitus with Leonard.
23:47Okay, come on in.
23:50Penny.
23:51Penny.
23:53Penny.
23:56What?
23:57You're an actress, correct?
24:00I'm not an actress, I'm an actress.
24:05All right, you're an actress.
24:10Penny.
24:11Penny.
24:13Penny.
24:14What's wrong?
24:15Nothing, I was acting.
24:20Who is it?
24:21It's Leonard.
24:23You can't come in.
24:37I choose you.
24:40Really?
24:41Yep, moved out of my mother's house,
24:43corn is cut, I'm all yours.
24:49I smell Chinese food.
24:51It's actually Thai, you're slipping.
24:56Leonard.
24:58Leonard.
24:59Leonard.
25:00What?
25:01I think I figured out Wallow, it's his magic trick.
25:05And I need you to pick a card.
25:09I am not opening that door, Sheldon.
25:12As you wish.
25:18Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed.
25:24Did you pick one?
25:26Yep.
25:30Is this your card?
25:34Nope.
25:35Dram.
25:36Is this your card?
25:40Nope.
25:42I'll be right back.
25:48Oh, hey Amy, Bernadette just texted me.
25:49Howard proposed?
25:51Yes, not important.
25:52Just stopped by to let you know I'm getting orthotics.
25:54Also, I'm carrying Sheldon's baby.
25:56Mom's the word.
25:59Penny.
26:01Penny.
26:02Penny.
26:04Hey, what's up?
26:06The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb.
26:12Priya's going back to India.
26:14Irrelevant.
26:16Rajesh and I have a good thing going
26:18and you're not going to ruin it.
26:23What are you doing here?
26:26Been up all night, I had a fight with Bernadette.
26:28Why?
26:29She gave me a beautiful watch.
26:33Leonard, do you understand this?
26:35Yes.
26:36Talk to him.
26:41Coming.
26:43Yep, that's good.
26:44Wine glasses should have handles.
26:49Keeping accurate track of your alcohol intake.
26:52Smart idea, considering how trampy you get
26:53when you've had a few.
26:56You heard what I did.
26:57Well, I heard who you did.
26:59Well, I heard who you did.