Handsome Hank | Viva La Stool
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00:00My Outro For My 21st Birthday
00:30Stew is making his way down to the stage as we speak.
00:46Ok Stew, no bullshit, telling everyone how big your dick is, it's fucking show time.
00:54Who's the best in the world?
00:55Stew Finer.
00:56Who's the funniest in the world?
00:57Stew Finer.
00:58Who fucking kills?
00:59Stew Finer.
01:00Ready to roll.
01:01Ready to roll.
01:02Hey Stew, let's fucking go.
01:03I love you.
01:04I love you.
01:05I love you.
01:29Stew, I got a problem.
01:36What's wrong?
01:39I think I knocked a girl off and I need to borrow 10 grams.
01:52I'll give you a hanger.
01:59Hey Stew, that giant dick cost me $10,000 you fat fuck.
02:15Really?
02:16I fucked your mother and she paid me $10,000, I'll give it back to you.
02:23So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here he is.
02:29Hello.
02:30Hello.
02:31Hello.
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03:26Hello.
03:28So I think above me we have like a screen show, and I just randomly picked pictures
03:34because, I mean, obviously I'm a living legend.
03:39So it's easy to be a legend because most people are dead.
03:43And when someone dies they just literally brag about how good they were when
03:48really they could have been a scumbag.
03:50But you honor the dead.
03:53So to be a living legend is very hard.
03:57Because I got to perform every fucking day.
04:00I could ruin my reputation, but I'm such a fucking living legend that I get better and
04:07better every fucking day.
04:10Now you could say, Stu, what makes you a living fucking legend?
04:14Like literally, that's a big fucking statement, a living legend.
04:20First of all, I'm probably the best fuck in New York State.
04:26All right, no, no, let's talk reality.
04:30If I fucked your girl, your mother, your grandmother, your daughter, your sister, your wife, she
04:42would know what she's been missing.
04:43Okay, let's establish it.
04:45And you could say, Stu, you're 5'4 and 3 quarters.
04:50You look like Tim fucking Waltz.
04:52I mean, let's be fucking real.
04:55You don't look like Brad Pitt.
04:57You don't look like Ryan Gosling.
04:59You're not George Clooney.
05:00How can you be the best fuck?
05:03How literally can that happen?
05:06And I'm going to tell you.
05:07So I'm going to put some meat on the bone.
05:09I mean, first of all, we know genetics, okay?
05:13I've had a six-inch dick since fifth grade.
05:15So it's not like, wow, look at Stu's cock, it's monster, it's big.
05:23That's actually not true.
05:26So Stu, if you're the best fuck and you're the best lay, what about a woman that wants
05:3210 inches?
05:34What about a woman that wants a big cock?
05:37And you know what I say to that?
05:38My fucking fist in my, up to my elbow.
05:39I'll doggie style you and I'll fuck you like this.
05:40You wouldn't know the difference, baby.
05:41And that's a fact.
05:58Has anyone here and they're like, why am I at this show?
06:01Like they don't know Stu Feiner at all.
06:05Are you wooing because you do or you don't?
06:09Fuck Stu.
06:10Okay.
06:11How much would you fuck him for?
06:1412 million?
06:15Oh dude, you're rich.
06:16Like I would, I would fuck him.
06:17I mean, I'm getting paid a hundred dollars tonight.
06:18I'd fuck him for 200 bucks.
06:19And then I would follow that by an anti-Semitic joke like the rest of my friends, but I'm
06:29Iranian so I don't think, I don't think those jokes are going to go so good.
06:39I have originated and created, how the fuck do we get this down?
06:47Let's go baby.
06:51I've created, um, first of all, I'm half a retard since I've been born.
07:03And I'm going to tell you why.
07:05I have onset Alzheimer's.
07:10So I've done more with less than any human possible.
07:17Now as you see in the pictures there, um, above me, I used to be like the cat's meow.
07:24Like I used to, when you looked at me when I was young, I got women wet, you know, literally
07:32wet as a motherfucker, like soaking fucking wet.
07:38So the rules right now for the show, okay, um, blowjobs right here, right now are good.
07:46So if you just want to suck off your man, or if your man wants a finger blast your ass
07:53in your vagina, please do it.
07:55No, no, please fucking do it.
07:58Also, let's say you're here single and there's a stranger and you just want to be a fucking
08:05whore, suck his cock.
08:07No, no, suck his fuck.
08:08I love whores.
08:10I love sluts.
08:11I'm a whore.
08:12I'm a slut.
08:13I eat ass in a fucking whorehouse.
08:14So I mean, you're looking at a fucking pig here.
08:19Let's get back to the reality.
08:21Like what is your name?
08:22Eric.
08:23What?
08:24Eric.
08:25Hi, Eric.
08:26How you doing?
08:27Eric, stand up, jump on the stage.
08:28Okay, so now, why am I the best fuck?
08:40Why if I fucked you, you would say, Stu, now I know what all the fuss was about.
08:44Now I know what I've been missing.
08:46Why?
08:47I created the perfect hour of sex.
08:49You see what this says?
08:51The perfect hour.
08:5215, 15.
08:53I didn't ask you to talk.
08:54I didn't ask you to talk.
08:55I mean, what the fuck is ... It's my show.
08:58Shut the fuck up.
09:02You have a great body, and we're using you as a whore.
09:0715, 15, 30, 15 minutes eating ass.
09:16And I created this.
09:17I'm up for the Nobel Peace Prize in 2000 through 2024.
09:22I've lost every time.
09:23Be that as it may, 15 minutes eating ass, 15 minutes licking clit, 30 minutes fucking.
09:36Now, if you cannot hold your load for 30 minutes, bring a vibrator.
09:43So the vibrator that I use, that everyone's great in bed uses, is with the mouse head
09:49at the end.
09:51And then the tongue is on a vibration, flickers back and forth.
09:56So we're going to ram that into the clitoris, and then with your free hand, you're going
10:03to finger fuck the ass and the vagina until they come like it's Niagara Falls.
10:11So I believe as a man ... Sit down.
10:14I love you.
10:15God bless you.
10:17Thank you for buying my merch.
10:18So big hand!
10:19Big hand!
10:21So I believe for a man to have confidence, for a man to please a woman when it's not
10:35easy to make money.
10:37It's not easy to have the big house, go on vacation, have it all, put your kid through
10:43private schools, give your children everything they want.
10:46It's fucking hard.
10:48Sure as fuck not hard to make a woman come.
10:51Sure as fuck it's not.
10:53Now, before I just taught you what to do, yeah, you might be lost.
10:57You might not have a clue, but I just gave you the keys to the kingdom.
10:59So you might have a lot of problems, men, in this fucking room.
11:03Making a woman come, that's simple.
11:05That's done!
11:06I've done that for you.
11:08That's the perfect hour of sex.
11:10But more importantly, a woman is smart.
11:13They're smarter than men.
11:15I believe that to the fucking day I die.
11:18They can get pregnant, they can produce a child.
11:23We can't do that.
11:24And really, as a man, all we want to do is come.
11:29We really do.
11:30You know what I mean?
11:31Like, that's the reality.
11:32I mean, women, if you're sitting there going, well, my man's a good guy, shares his feelings,
11:37feel very in touch with him, trust him, you're so fucking lost.
11:42You have no fucking idea.
11:43You really don't.
11:44You have no idea.
11:45He's got your condoms.
11:46All he wants to do is come.
11:49And I want to be honest with you, and I'm going to be gut-level honest with every woman
11:52here.
11:53I might ruin your fucking night.
11:55If you ain't eating his ass, if you ain't sucking his cock, if you're not licking his
12:03ball sack and separating his ball sack where one goes to the left and right, and your tongue's
12:07going...
12:08Someone else's might be your sister, your best friend, the neighbor, massage parlor,
12:20hookers, OnlyFans.
12:24Let me fucking tell you reality.
12:26It's fucking happening.
12:29Goes both ways.
12:32So if you ain't sticking your cock up your girl's ass, no, I don't want it, no, get away
12:39from...
12:40I don't want it.
12:41You know why?
12:42Because she's getting it from someone else.
12:43If you ain't eating her pussy, if you like stew, smells like a sewer, it's disgusting.
12:53Not eating her ass, where she shits.
12:56Kind of fucking Jew are you?
12:58I thought you're kosher.
12:59I thought you eat fucking clean food.
13:01You don't eat shellfish.
13:02You're telling me to eat my girl's ass.
13:06Get over it.
13:07I mean, what do you want me to say?
13:09Just get the fuck over it.
13:11It's the truth.
13:14So it goes both ways.
13:16So to me, I'm a sexual being, started in sixth grade where I had to suck weight for wrestling.
13:24So I was wearing this fucking like plastic suit and I got the fucking shower on like
13:30hot as fuck and it's steaming up and I'm trying to suck eight pounds to wrestle and
13:38my mother's Pond's cold cream is on the counter and all of a sudden I feel like a tinge in
13:44my ball sack.
13:45I'm like, well, let me play with this Pond's cold cream.
13:52So I start finger fucking my ass and I start rubbing the cold cream on my cock and I'm
14:03like, this feels great, but I've never come before.
14:12It's, you know, first time with an orgasm.
14:15So like, I don't know what to do really.
14:19I'm stroking, stroking.
14:20It's taking forever.
14:22It's like 20 minutes.
14:23I'm ready to pass out.
14:24I'm wearing this plastic suit.
14:25I'm ready to fucking like dehydrate.
14:28And all of a sudden you feel it and you feel it and like, I'm scared because it like hurts
14:34almost and it's like, and then all of a sudden it's like, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,
14:41bang, fucking yeah.
14:51So every time my mother used the Pond's cold cream to wipe off her makeup, I fucking laughed.
15:00I laughed hard.
15:02I laughed really hard.
15:04I'm like, mom, don't use all the Pond's cold cream.
15:06She's like, why?
15:07Like, just sits between me and me.
15:10If you don't know Stu, he's a compulsive eater.
15:14That's where he does most of his damage.
15:16He gives the spread.
15:17He talks about eating ass for an hour a day, but he means brisket.
15:28He's a Jewish man.
15:29That's not a joke.
15:31Why'd you laugh at that?
15:34This guy laughed at, okay.
15:37Stu is 63 years old.
15:40Stu is so old and so addicted to gambling that in 1945, he bet the over on the Holocaust.
15:51And it cashed.
15:55I grew up in Brooklyn.
15:58Me and my brother were hated now in the fucking neighborhood for a solid year and a half.
16:04And for some reason, everyone was Christian, Protestant, no Jews, no fucking Jews.
16:09So we were called the fat Jews from Brooklyn, roly polies from Brooklyn, because we were
16:15like chubby.
16:16They used to push us down to watch us get up because we couldn't like actually get up.
16:21We'd have to go to our side, go to our knees, you know, fucking get up.
16:26Stu's tagline is ready to roll, ready to roll, which is ironic because it has nothing to
16:30do with gambling.
16:31He's just round as fuck and ready to roll down a hill at a moment's notice.
16:36No, but Stu does love eating pussy.
16:41And if you ever look at Stu's build, you would think pussy has calories.
16:47Stu, you got to cut off the labia, dude.
16:51You got to chill.
16:52It's really going right to your ass.
16:56He's a blob.
16:59Stu's a gambler and he's four feet tall.
17:03He's a little capper.
17:06I'm not talking about gambling.
17:07I'm calling him Jewish.
17:09He wears a little cap to temple and weddings.
17:13There's a little, a little cap on his head.
17:18Stu is Jewish and he loves top.
17:22Stu is a dreidel.
17:25I was up all night writing that.
17:32Oh no.
17:34Stu is Jewish.
17:38When it comes to betting, he should stick to basketball, you know, bank shots, free
17:44throws and much like the beginning of a Jewish man's life, basketball starts with a tip off.
17:52Immediately went to Hebrew school in fourth grade.
17:59And I was super behind on everything.
18:01Like the fourth graders on Long Island was so much smarter than the fourth graders in
18:05Brooklyn.
18:06I was like half a retard.
18:07And in Hebrew school, I couldn't read Hebrew.
18:10So I was like an outcast in Hebrew school.
18:12I was an outcast in my school.
18:13I was a fucking Jew and they hated fucking Jews openly.
18:19Stu Feiner is Jewish.
18:21That's it, that's all I wrote down.
18:29So every Monday night I would go with my father to the bowling lanes and it would be amazing.
18:36You'd eat French fries, you'd have a fucking hot dog.
18:41I would hang out with his friends and they liked me because I was a wise ass.
18:48I was fucking funny.
18:50I was really funny.
18:52And they played what's called these parlay cards.
18:56And you would give them out at the bowling alley.
19:00So the parlay cards, if you don't know what those are, is the football games for the upcoming
19:05week that were played on a Sunday were all listed on the parlay cards.
19:10And they would have a line involved.
19:13So similar to how you see all the ads now for FanDuel, DraftKings, you bet.
19:17Now, I was a fucking expert at pro football only because my father fucking taught me defense
19:25wins Super Bowls, the Oakland Raiders are a great team, and if they don't win, I'm kicking
19:30your fucking ass.
19:32I'm trashing the table, I'm fucking, you know, doing crazy shit.
19:37So I became very good at picking winners, only out of necessity.
19:43He does watch every single football game.
19:46He watches every Patriot League game, every American athletic game.
19:49He's the only person who doesn't get richer by observing tipple on Saturdays.
19:53That one was not good.
19:57Appreciate the laugh, though.
19:59Stu has given out some bad picks recently, really, really bad picks.
20:05The Giants gave out the Giants last Sunday, it was no good.
20:11Bet heavy on Aaron Rodgers, told me to bet heavy on Aaron Rodgers.
20:14Stu has fucked more people on the Jets than Epstein.
20:20It's crazy that Jews control the weather, but Jews can't control the spread on a Max
20:24Bett parlay.
20:25I figured they'd have the tech for that by now.
20:32Let's speed up a little bit here, 1980.
20:40You're going to be here until Friday, all right?
20:43Money plants!
20:44You know, anything, it's got to be late.
20:48So this fucking jerk-off comes on national TV, Channel 7, ABC.
20:58His name is Ed Horowitz, and he's a tax accountant that made a million dollars creating a short-form
21:05tax form.
21:07He put all his money into computers to pick sports winners.
21:14He was a sports prognosticator, and this fucking douchebag for eight minutes tells me and my
21:24father in the world how the Philadelphia Eagles, as a four-point favorite in the Super Bowl,
21:30meaning they have to win by five or more for you to win your bet, are going to kick the
21:37Oakland Raiders' ass.
21:39And me and my father already bet $500 on the Oakland Raiders, which is equivalent to about
21:46$50,000 right fucking now.
21:49And we're looking at this guy, we're going, this is so wrong.
21:54And this guy has every system and trend and running through the computers playing a thousand
21:59times and has these simulations, and he was so confident.
22:04And we're looking at this guy, what a fucking clown.
22:06You're a fucking clown.
22:09So P.S., the Raiders kill the Eagles.
22:14They kill them.
22:15It was never close.
22:16It was 27-10.
22:17Matt Millen, I think, hit the ball three fucking times.
22:20We blew them out.
22:22So I was going at the time to NASA Community College to be a lawyer or a doctor, which
22:31I had no fucking shot, none, zero, zip.
22:34I had a better chance to fly, you know, with my fucking shoes on, you know, never happening.
22:42But you're a fucking Jew in the 70s and the 80s, and that was how your parents, you know,
22:46you had no choice.
22:47What are you going to be, a doctor or a lawyer?
22:49What are you going to be, a doctor or a lawyer?
22:51What are you going to be, a doctor or a lawyer?
22:52I mean, it's fucking crazy.
22:55What am I going to tell the Jewish sisterhood?
22:56Oh, they're fucking, they're going to Princeton, they're going to Yale, going to Columbia.
23:01You're a fucking loser.
23:04You know, I don't actually know what to say, you know, thanks.
23:09Thanks mom and dad.
23:10Thanks for the support, you know, thanks for the unconditional love.
23:16So I turned to my father and I said, Pop, I'm going into this business.
23:22If this jerk off can be so wrong on something that to us was so easy to understand, I'm
23:29going into the business.
23:31I have followed Stu for years and years.
23:33I've followed his picks, sometimes, actually all the time, to my own detriment, I follow
23:39his picks.
23:40I've made a list of the worst picks Stu's given me over the years.
23:43I'm pretty pissed off about the Giants pick, if that's not clear already.
23:49In the 80s, Stu told me to take the over, 16 and a half seconds for the challenger.
23:55We're going to the moon, he said.
24:03It's a bad beat.
24:06It's a bad beat.
24:08Five years ago, Stu told me to put all my money on under COVID, 18 and a half.
24:17But Stu did tell me not to go to work on 9-11 and I appreciate that.
24:24A lot of things went down, but let's make a long story short, which I don't even know
24:28I'm capable of doing that, as you'd see, you know what I'm saying?
24:34By 23 years old, I made a million dollars.
24:38By 24 years old, I had 40 people working for me.
24:41No, no, we don't need that.
24:44And I'm in this building, freestanding building in West Babylon, Long Island, and I have like
24:4940 employees and we're killing.
24:51One day in this office downstairs, all of a sudden, everything changes.
24:58There's this fucking guy in a fucking three-piece suit, Mafia smelling.
25:07Joey Bang Bang was his name, just got out of jail, did 17 years for killing four people.
25:16He's like, kid, come here.
25:21Again, hey, hey, you're a Jew, right?
25:24Hey, Jew boy, come here.
25:28I hear you're a fucking great earner and my guys fucking love you.
25:31Now my partner at the time was, I'm 21, when we started, my partner was 44, he was an Italian
25:39and he was a fucking loser his whole life.
25:42So when he made the big money, he went crazy, bought these pinky rings, got a fucking hair
25:49piece, got a new car, dressed the fucking nines.
25:55This Mafia guy fucking hated him, hated him with a passion.
26:00P.S., my partner was like, I'm not talking to this piece of shit, he's a fucking convict,
26:05he's a fucking loser.
26:06I'm like, well, Tony, he's gonna fucking shoot you in the fucking head, I mean, you better
26:10fucking have respect for him.
26:11He did it.
26:15So one day, he pulls me into his office and goes, hey, listen, I want you to hire my friend.
26:19I mean, what am I supposed to say, no, like, what am I supposed to say?
26:25The guy's like, looks like Luca Brasi, comes upstairs, I teach him how to sell, the guy
26:32couldn't even talk, literally couldn't talk, but enormous, 6'8", 320, his hands are like
26:38four times the size of my hands, and he's looking at my board where we're writing like
26:42200,000 a week in the busy season.
26:47He obviously was a plant, reports back down to Joey, Joey's a fucking Stone Cold Mafia
26:53Captain Killer, he's looking to fucking take a shot at me.
26:56My father says, get out of the business, the person that my father's friends with says,
27:00get out of the business, you can do anything, but you're gonna die doing this.
27:03This is not funny, you're not fucking around, you're playing with real people that are very
27:08serious and they kill for a living and they extort for a living, and you're a fucking
27:13easy mark.
27:15I'm like, okay, let me think about it.
27:17So I'm late the next day into work, and this is the best, my office, my partner's office,
27:26the whole place is wrecked.
27:29He's again, bloodied, a black eye, his toupee's ripped off, a window is broken, I'm like,
27:36what happened, Tony?
27:38He goes, my buddy double dealt me.
27:41He's trying to fuck me.
27:42I go, how do you know?
27:43He goes, because I gave them a phony address of where I lived, and when I got smacked around,
27:50the guy says, and we know where you live, and they give him the phony address.
27:55So now we got two mafia families independent after us.
27:59So I call my father up, what do we do?
28:01My father is the best.
28:03My father comes and bulletproofs with this plexiglass that was bulletproof all the windows,
28:11buys us like 15 shotguns with ammunition, puts it under our desk, gets a place to build
28:19a wall so that when you come up to our office now, there's a fucking metal door that you
28:25have to buzz in.
28:26Inside the door is a guy sitting there paying like 300 a day with a shotgun.
28:33Everywhere we go, we have two guys that are fucking packing guns, 300 a day, everywhere
28:40we go.
28:41My father gets automatic starters for our cars, because he thinks they're going to blow
28:47up the cars, which is not out of the ordinary.
28:50It was in the early 80s, it's what the mafia did to you.
28:53That's how they made their money.
28:55If you're not connected, if you weren't with someone, you had to pay.
28:59We were easy marks because we were in like the sports gambling business where no one
29:03was doing what I was doing in the 80s, nobody.
29:08Stu loves to talk about beating the bookies, he loves to beat the bookmakers, which is
29:12ironic because Stu usually hides from the bookies in the tunnels he built in that Brooklyn
29:17synagogue.
29:20So after about two weeks of me paying thousands of dollars a day for this fucking situation,
29:27the guy at the door finally goes to me, listen, Stu, there's no way you're going to survive
29:31like this, you're going to go bankrupt.
29:34I got a guy that'll solve the problem.
29:37So I said, okay.
29:38This guy comes in, comes in our office, smoking a cigarette, and he goes, I'll solve your
29:44problem, $25,000.
29:47I go, $25,000, we're in.
29:50No, no, $25,000 a year for life and $5,000 for Christmas.
29:57Like fucking let's go.
29:58So we go downstairs to this fucking killer's office, and this guy brings his friend who's
30:05a mafia captain in another family, and he reads this guy the fucking riot act like you've
30:11never seen.
30:12And this guy's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't know you were Stu, how am I supposed to know
30:16that?
30:17Backs the fuck down, and that was the end of the mafia situation.
30:23Wait, it gets so much better.
30:28So now in addition, now my dick goes from six inches to 10 inches because now I got
30:33the mafia behind me working with me.
30:36And as long as I paid that $25,000 a year and $5,000 Christmas, these Christmas parties
30:42first of all were crazy.
30:43It was like, hey, Jew, meet Vinnie the Eye, I'm eating like tripe, like I'd rather die
30:48than eat tripe.
30:49I don't know if you ever tasted tripe.
30:50It's like that, these Christmases, they're like, let's fucking eat tripe, this is a fucking
30:53Vinnie, this is a Jew, Study Jew, big earner for us, meet Sally, Sally just got out of
30:59jail for stabbing eight people in the fucking eye with a knife, say hello to Sally.
31:04I'm like, hi, Sally.
31:08But I had them behind me so that I started just threatening people, you know what I mean?
31:14Like fuck you, I could do whatever the fuck I want because I had these people behind me.
31:19And it was like a circus, it was just fucking crazy.
31:22So I became the number one sports advisor in the world.
31:29I created really the sports gambling handicapping business.
31:33Has anybody ever tailed Stu's picks?
31:38You wouldn't be able to afford tickets here if you didn't.
31:41No, no, Stu's never hit a first touchdown, ever.
31:46The only time he celebrates six points is when he looks at a Star of David.
31:54There's a common theme to these jokes.
31:57I'll let you guess.
31:58Do you guys want to know what Stu texts me?
32:02Like, do you want to see some of our texts?
32:03Because when he loses, I just text him right away and I'm like, you're a fucking loser.
32:09We text each other so much, he's like the uncle I always wanted, the Jewish uncle I
32:14always wanted.
32:15Instead, my uncle left my aunt for a belly dancer.
32:19It was just an awkward Thanksgiving.
32:23She was our second cousin.
32:24Anyway, it's a long story.
32:27I'm as dull as a 90-year-old dick.
32:30You better be able to box when I see you.
32:33You're not funny, you're a fucking clown.
32:35Not the real ones, the ones that get paid at birthday parties.
32:40What don't you understand about making fun of my picks, how bad this is for me?
32:44God only knows how much you open your mouth.
32:46Stu, God only knows how many times you opened your asshole for bookies that you owed money
32:50to.
32:52You're going to be hiding like Anne Frank in the attic when I see your old ass.
32:57Hey, Stu, go out to your pool, don't wear floaties, and just drown.
33:05So we have a great relationship, honestly.
33:08In 1989, I create a TV show called The Sports Advisors, where I'm spending like $100,000
33:19a week, and it was a four-person panel, and with me screaming, I thought this is stupid,
33:25I'm ready to roll, ready to roll, ready to roll.
33:27Jets are playing the Eagles, and I own this fucking game.
33:30Call my 900 number, 900-860-3210, or if you want to speak to me live, 800-676-7777.
33:38So now, so now, I have 100 people working for me in a room on Saturday and Sunday, and
33:56all they did from 10 a.m. to 1 o'clock was, Stu Fonda, give me your name, and I'm going
34:01to call you back.
34:02Phone would go down.
34:03Stu Fonda, give me your name, and I'm going to call you back.
34:053,000 leads.
34:06I'd talk to my salesman, we'd sign the fucking people.
34:09It was like a license to print money.
34:11I was the biggest in the world.
34:13Biggest in the fucking world.
34:17So big that I didn't see the internet coming.
34:24In 1994, I spend $4.8 million on a score phone network, where it was 200 score phones,
34:38200 different cities.
34:40We gave on a six-minute message, scores, odds, lines, injuries, weather reports, 50 million
34:47calls a year throughout the country.
34:49I would inundate them with ads, and we were killing my 900 numbers, my 800 numbers.
34:561998, CBS Sportsline opens their internet site, and in six months, I go from 50 million
35:04calls, 20 million calls, 200,000 calls, 20,000 calls.
35:11I'm antiquated overnight.
35:14So my plan of that's how I was going to run my whole life, my whole business, out of business,
35:20and because I was parting my dick off, going to France, going throughout the country, losing
35:25millions of dollars at casinos, just wild, absolutely wild.
35:31So from being on the top of the mountain, I was fucking as low as you can be.
35:382016, I win the lottery.
35:43Stu, how'd you win the lottery?
35:44You pick the right numbers?
35:46Absolutely not.
35:48Have you ever heard of Dave Portnoy?
35:51Do we know who Dave Portnoy is?
35:57Dave Portnoy randomly, out of the blue, calls me and goes, Stu, I fucking love you.
36:04You're a living legend.
36:05Me, my uncle, and my father watched you throughout the 90s on your Sports Advisors TV show.
36:14We want to bring it back, Stu.
36:16We want to rebrand it Barstool Sports Advisors.
36:19It's going to be you, me, and Big Cat.
36:24It's the number one sports gambling entertainment show in the fucking world.
36:30Do you think Stu Feiner is as good as a capper as he says he is?
36:33No.
36:34You followed his picks?
36:35Yes.
36:36Yes.
36:37How much have you lost so far?
36:38Uh, I don't bet that much.
36:39I'm not a very good bettor.
36:40Oh, so you're saying that I am?
36:41I am.
36:42Okay, so you bet responsibly.
36:43I do, Stu.
36:44Unless I have six of these, and then, I think it's kind of, you know, then I start texting
36:57my dad and I say, you wish I was something else.
37:02Let's stop for a second, because I have some merchandise I want to give out.
37:10How we doing?
37:11Is everybody okay right now?
37:12Are we good?
37:13I mean, pretty interesting, right?
37:21Yes?
37:22Oh, you're here?
37:23Oh, yes.
37:24I'm here.
37:25All right.
37:26Sold 10,000 cum towels.
37:30Because when you cum, and let's say it leaks out of your girl's vagina, ass, mouth, let's
37:38say she doesn't swallow, you know, what are you going to do?
37:43I mean, certain hot women are going to swallow your load, then come up and give you a kiss
37:47and put your load back in your mouth, right?
37:50It's really, really fucking funny to me that Stu is the second most famous little Stuart.
38:05They're both New York rats that don't have living parents.
38:13That one's recent.
38:14I was glad to be able to write that one.
38:18The ink is still wet on that joke.
38:22The only difference between Stu and Stuart Little is that with Stuart Little, the pussy's
38:28always trying to eat him.
38:33Jesus Christ.
38:36I am extremely positive under any circumstances.
38:42Every day on my internet sites and my social media, I pitch positivity.
38:49I wake up in the morning, and I'm like, hi folks, this is Stu Fonda, ready to roll, ready
38:54to roll, ready to roll.
38:55Feeling amazing.
38:56Feeling hopeful.
38:57Feeling positive.
38:59Feeling blessed.
39:00There is nothing you can't do.
39:02Never feel less than.
39:04Your dreams can come true.
39:06Disagree.
39:07Set free.
39:08The way out is the way through.
39:10Let's fucking go.
39:12Ready to roll, ready to roll, ready to roll.
39:15Thank you so much for coming.
39:17I'm grateful you were here listening to my story.
39:21I love you so, so much.
39:23Let's fucking go.
39:25Then let's go to a bar, smoke pot, fuck eat ass, lick clit, and let's fucking go, alright?
39:30Love you, I love you.
39:32Ready to roll.
39:40Ready to roll.
40:10Ready to roll.
40:11Ready to roll.