Gogglebox Season 25 Episode 1
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00:00Are you happy with your 80th birthday present, Dad?
00:03Yeah, it's lovely.
00:05You're jingling a lot, Dad. Yeah.
00:08The only thing is, I've got to make sure my trousers are tight,
00:10otherwise they're going to fall down.
00:14Wow. So why did you ask us to get you this, then?
00:17Because I saw somebody using it, I thought it was brilliant.
00:20A vibration plate? Vibration.
00:22And they did tell me that they've lost weight.
00:24Really? Using this.
00:25It'll firm stuff up, won't it?
00:27Eh?
00:29As in, oh, God.
00:33Oh, that's me. YOLO.
00:34HE GROWLS
00:35You always get one, don't you?
00:37What's going on here?
00:38Nobody wants to bum all terrorised.
00:40HE GASPS
00:41Right, I'm not watching any more.
00:42Who shot him? Him!
00:44Yoo-hoo! Yes! Yes, yes!
00:47Oh, no!
00:48I like it already.
00:49Is that a bum? What is it?
00:50Oh...
00:51Oh, what a... Oh, no!
00:54Oh, it's bleeding.
00:55HE GASPS
00:56I'm getting all goosey.
00:57Well, what exciting times we live in.
01:00In the week President Trump signed an executive order
01:03to bring back plastic straws,
01:05we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:08Bear Grylls was chasing celebs around Costa Rica on Netflix.
01:12Look out for each other and don't stray too far from the pack,
01:16because if you make a mistake, he's going to take you down.
01:19Do you know what I think of him into this?
01:20And do you want to know why?
01:21Because what I wouldn't be doing is hiding.
01:24What I'd actually be doing is hunting for Bear Grylls.
01:27That's where they're going to go wrong, here. Yeah.
01:30Don't be the hunty, be the hunter.
01:32Exactly. Find him, knock him out, get the prize money.
01:36Get him tied up for two weeks.
01:37He's not going to be chasing after you then, is he?
01:40It was back to school on BBC Three.
01:43Um...
01:45OK, uh, Marsham, comma...
01:47..Jaheem.
01:48Give him a round of applause.
01:50Woo!
01:51Sometimes you think I should have enjoyed it more while I was there,
01:54cos you don't go back like this.
01:57I know. That's why I don't regret being a little bit of a shit.
02:01You wouldn't have had any stories to tell if you weren't.
02:04And people say,
02:06oh, you need school for this, you need school for that,
02:08and actually, I work in an accounts department, so no, I don't.
02:12And there was more quizzing with Clarkson on ITV1.
02:16Jeremy, come on, what's the answer, please?
02:18Are you asking me?
02:19Jeremy, I am officially asking you.
02:22He's a car expert. Yeah.
02:24I wish I could ask him about my Skoda... Yeah. ..that I've bought,
02:28because I want him to come and test-drive it,
02:31because I think it's haunted, Mary.
02:34That's absurd. I do. I literally think it's haunted.
02:37Why? Cos someone else...
02:38I've got this sort of funny, detached feeling
02:40that there's someone else driving it and I'm an imposter.
02:43And I've never really got rid of that feeling.
02:46And he could sort me out.
02:48He couldn't. He'd say, go and see a psychiatrist.
02:51OK, well, at least he'd be honest.
02:53HE SIGHS
02:59In Hull...
03:00I ain't never told you, did I?
03:01You know, it's February. You know, January.
03:04Yeah. Dry.
03:05You didn't stay dry in January.
03:07Yes, I did. Did you? I did.
03:09..best friends Jenny and Lee.
03:12Can't believe it. I've drunk loads of dry white wine.
03:15THEY LAUGH
03:18This week, Netflix pulled out all the stops
03:21as our favourite action man was chasing some famous faces.
03:25Celebrity bear hunts. Are the bears celebrities in it
03:28or is it celebrities hunting bears?
03:30Bear celebrity? How many bears do you know of those celebrities?
03:33Rupert. Yeah. Winnie. Yeah, that's true.
03:36Paddington.
03:37Bungle. Bungle.
03:43Costa Rica.
03:45I think that's in spin.
03:4612 celebrities are currently making their way
03:49through the Costa Rican jungle.
03:51Bloody hell, Lara Croft, eat your heart out.
03:53To take part in the ultimate game of cat and mouse.
03:57I hate cat and mouse. I don't want to play cat and mouse ever.
04:00I've done many wild things in my life.
04:03But working with Holly Willoughby is about to be the wildest.
04:06This could be the end of me.
04:07THEY LAUGH
04:09But I've never hunted celebrities.
04:11That is about to change.
04:14He could chase me down Bear Grylls.
04:15He's a bit hunky, isn't he?
04:21I don't stand my chances against Bear Grylls, you know.
04:24Oh, I get giddy if I'm chased.
04:25I was about to say, you go giddy when people chase you.
04:29I'll lash out.
04:30Well, hi!
04:32Hello!
04:34They all seem jolly, don't they?
04:36Who's Holly co-hosting?
04:37Welcome to Costa Rica.
04:39That's disappointing. I'd rather she was chased.
04:42Your challenge is to get from these mudflats to base camp.
04:46Base camp looks nice.
04:48Base camp looks like that should be on Airbnb for some top dollar.
04:51You see that up there?
04:54Yeah. Chopper. Wonder who's riding that?
04:57Bear will use today's hunt as an opportunity to observe
05:02and evaluate your performance.
05:03This guy's a fucking maniac. Yeah, he is an absolute maniac, eh?
05:06Anybody he catches will be sent to the dreaded bear pit.
05:11Oh, dear.
05:12Let the hunt begin!
05:14What are you saying?
05:17Oh!
05:18We're going to have to go again, Bear, we didn't get it!
05:22Your microphone needs some new batteries.
05:24There are three ways to exit the mudflats.
05:27Mudflaps. Mudflaps?
05:29SHE LAUGHS
05:30What? By boat, jeep or helicopter.
05:34I'll take the jeep, please.
05:36Helicopter, please!
05:38Shirley, Carla and Lawrence must each set off a flare
05:41in the landing zone.
05:43But naturally, Bear has hidden them in ammo boxes around the mudflats.
05:47Oh, course he has.
05:49Well, there's plenty of boxes there, look.
05:52Oh! What?
05:54What's that? It was a tripwire.
05:55Ooh! Tripwire.
05:57There's booby traps.
05:58Bear's going to know where they are now.
05:59Oh, bloody hell, he's going to be hot on the tails.
06:02Tripwires.
06:04Sounds like they're pretty close.
06:06Look, Bear's on the track.
06:08I'm hearing the knicker time.
06:10They still haven't found all the flares.
06:13There's one there.
06:14If one of them comes back, I'm going to take them down.
06:19Oh, Lawrence is going to get snared, are you?
06:21Yeah. I'd have a stick ready in my hand to beat him off.
06:24SHE LAUGHS
06:27What? Who are you beating off?
06:29Bear Grylls.
06:30SHE LAUGHS
06:36Look, he's coming. Right near him.
06:38He's coming. He's going to pounce.
06:39He's going to pounce. He's going to pounce.
06:43HE GASPS
06:44Oh, shit!
06:46Why is he so aggressive?
06:48You're wrong, we tackled him.
06:50Oh, my! No, Bear is sick.
06:52He's a wicked man.
06:53How are you tackling a 60-year-old man like that?
06:55So, is he out, or was that a practice?
06:57It's a practice. It's a practice. We're fine.
06:59Having found himself in Bear's pit,
07:01Lawrence decided to try and dig his way out.
07:04Right. So, I've got the shovel.
07:07Well, at least he can swap Bear with a spade, though.
07:09I'm not having that bugger jumping on me again.
07:11SHE LAUGHS
07:14I can't breathe.
07:17SHE LAUGHS
07:20That's what I reckon Rambo's grandad looks like.
07:22SHE LAUGHS
07:23Grambo.
07:25Grambo!
07:27So, there's obviously a break in the fence here.
07:30And this is called under the fence.
07:32You better start digging ASAP.
07:34This is going to take him so long.
07:36Yeah, especially whilst you're being paranoid about it.
07:39SHE LAUGHS
07:41MUSIC CONTINUES
07:46Bear is really close, and he's digging as though
07:48he's putting fucking tulips in the garden.
07:51Hello. I'm 60.
07:55Oh! Oh, f**k!
08:00I just needed to go.
08:02Is he tearing a piece?
08:03SHE LAUGHS
08:06This is my chance.
08:07Grab his money!
08:08SHE LAUGHS
08:09Right.
08:12Has he put it away, Mary?
08:17Oh! Look at him!
08:18Oh, he lowered it!
08:20Oh! Caught.
08:22Again.
08:23SHE LAUGHS
08:25Whish!
08:26Bang, I got him.
08:27Shit a brick.
08:28Have you ever hunted a celebrity?
08:30Oh, that fella who played Victor Meldrew with Bolidin once
08:34round, erm...
08:35..Satan's Square.
08:37Was that him? That's Storkin?
08:38Yeah. Wow.
08:40Was that him?
08:42Yes, it was him. I told you it was him.
08:46In Wiltshire...
08:47Giles? Yes?
08:48If you and I were colleagues in the workplace...
08:51Yeah? ..I would consider this workplace harassment.
08:54Why? What have I done now?
08:55Because you've written swear words all over our communal calendar.
08:59Oh, don't say.
09:00..Giles and his wife, Mary.
09:03So, what did I write, Mary?
09:04You know quite well what you wrote.
09:06OK, shall I read it out?
09:07No, don't, please.
09:12Stop it!
09:15Giles!
09:16You're not allowed to swear in this sanctuary of a room.
09:31Oh, I love who wants to be a billionaire.
09:32I miss the celebrities.
09:34Do, some of them are thick as shit, mind, aren't they?
09:37Do you know what I'd do if I won a million pounds tomorrow?
09:39What?
09:41Block you, for starters.
09:42SHE LAUGHS
09:44And then probably just move to, like, you know, Mauritius or something.
09:50Move to Mauritius? You don't even like flying.
09:52Yeah, I know.
09:54You're lucky if you make a move to the Isle of Man.
09:56Our next contestant is a former boxer.
09:59Barry McGuigan, I know him.
10:00I don't know of any boxers, apart from Muhammad Ali.
10:04Please welcome Tony Bellew!
10:07Tony who?
10:09Tony Bellew.
10:10Welcome, Tony.
10:13I think we like Tony.
10:14Yeah, we do like Tony. We like Tony, don't we? Yeah.
10:16I was just thinking, actually,
10:17I was looking back through the history of the show.
10:19David Haye.
10:21Oh, dear God. Who's David Haye?
10:23Another boxer.
10:24That's his arch-nemesis.
10:25You want to know what he won?
10:26Absolutely not, no.
10:28£8,000.
10:29Okey-doke, that's the barometer, that's the level.
10:31That's not a lot, is it, £8,000?
10:33David Haye, the one that was in the thropple? Yeah.
10:38Right, Tony.
10:40Oh, Tony looked shit-scared, didn't he?
10:42Let's start with an easy one, £100 question.
10:45Right, I'm rooting for Tony.
10:47I want him to have a good game.
10:49Which of these is a term meaning to socialise with other people,
10:53especially those who are deemed important?
10:56Smoothing.
10:57Hob-nobbing, I would say.
10:59Yeah.
11:00Digestive, shortbread, ginger nut, hob-nob.
11:05Oh, my God, before it even came up.
11:07Write the questions.
11:09Hob-nob. Hob-nob, yeah.
11:10Hob-nob. What?
11:11What?
11:12What's biscuits got to do with important people?
11:15I have never heard of this phrase before.
11:18Oh, my goodness.
11:19Us athletes don't hear it in terms, do we?
11:21Yeah. Hob-nob.
11:23It's off his bloats.
11:26I have helped one or two other celebrities at this stage.
11:29Really?
11:31Is he giving answers away?
11:33Look, he's coughing, Mary, coughing major.
11:36The final answer.
11:39It's a right answer.
11:41This isn't boding well, is it?
11:43No.
11:44Dad, you're the ultimate hob-nobber, you are.
11:46I am indeed.
11:47I think that's where I learnt it from, Dad.
11:48Where are you going, Dad? I'm off to hob-nob.
11:50Yeah, it's more knobbing than hobbing.
11:55Tinnitus is a medical condition primarily affecting which of the senses?
12:01Oh, there is.
12:02Becky Potter had tinnitus when she was pregnant, didn't she?
12:04Yes, she did.
12:07I know this, I'm just scared to say.
12:09Fuck.
12:10SHE LAUGHS
12:11Don't say you don't know what tinnitus is.
12:14Tinnitus?
12:15I'm sure tinnitus is something me dad's had.
12:18Yes. Here we go.
12:19And where was it? Where did he have it?
12:21Say it, man.
12:22I am, man.
12:23Can I do a 50-50, please?
12:28Oh, God, you're joking me, Tony.
12:33I'm going to go C.
12:34Er...
12:35Yes!
12:36Final answer?
12:37Final answer.
12:38There you go.
12:39That's painful.
12:40That is the right answer.
12:41Yeah!
12:42Yeah, good lad.
12:43Come on, Tony.
12:44That'll give him a bit of encouragement.
12:45A bit later, a lifeline-less Tony had clung on
12:46to face a £64,000 question.
12:47As a player, which of these football players
12:48do you think you are?
12:49I don't know.
12:50I don't know.
12:51I don't know.
12:52I don't know.
12:53I don't know.
12:54I don't know.
12:55I don't know.
12:56I don't know.
12:57I don't know.
12:58I don't know.
12:59I don't know.
13:00I don't know.
13:01Which of these footballers won both the UEFA European Championship
13:05and the UEFA Champions League in the same year?
13:09He might know this.
13:11Zinedine Zidane, Cristiano Ronaldo...
13:14Ooh, you don't know nothing.
13:16Surely it's Ronaldo.
13:18..Chess Fabregas or Jürgen Klinsmann?
13:22Oh, this is hard.
13:23I'd say Ronaldo, don't you think, Mary?
13:25Well, that's the only one I've...
13:26The only one we've heard of.
13:27..heard of.
13:28I have said Chess Fabregas.
13:30Only cos I like saying that name.
13:32Helethesk.
13:33Helethesk, yeah.
13:34I'm pretty sure the year that Ronaldo won the Euros,
13:39he won the Champions League for Real Madrid as well.
13:42There you go, it's Ronaldo.
13:43I think Ronaldo's meant to be a good player.
13:45He's the best in the world.
13:47Who told you that?
13:49I've just heard it on the grapevine, you know.
13:52I was 95% sure when it first came up
13:55and now I've talked myself all the way back down to 85%.
13:58Which is a repeating factor, Tony.
14:00There's a pattern here, love. There is.
14:02He's driving me nuts now, Simon.
14:05I'm going to go B.
14:06Brilliant.
14:07Go on, choose it.
14:08Cristiano Ronaldo.
14:10Oh!
14:11Cristiano Ronaldo.
14:16B, final answer.
14:17I don't think it's right.
14:19I think it's Chess Fabregas, brave of him, isn't it, Mary?
14:22It might be silly.
14:25That's the right answer.
14:27Yes!
14:28Ooh, happy days.
14:30Amazing.
14:32Didn't I say it was Ronaldo?
14:34Yeah, you did.
14:35I don't even know.
14:37I'm going home now,
14:38I don't even want to know the next question.
14:40I mean, when you're struggling for the £100 question
14:42to raise £64,000 is quite amazing.
14:44Yeah, that's true.
14:45He is also, most importantly, I think, to him,
14:47beating David Haye.
14:48Yep.
14:49David won't be coming home forever watching these.
14:51No, he won't give a shit.
14:53No.
14:54He'll be at home with his couple of chicks.
14:56Yeah.
14:57He's in a thrumple, isn't he?
14:58Exactly.
14:59He'll have his hands full.
15:00So he's a real winner, isn't he?
15:02Yeah.
15:10In Manchester...
15:12You know where we're on holiday?
15:13And I said, whatever you do, Sean,
15:14don't forget to put the bins out.
15:16The Malones.
15:17So we're away on holiday.
15:19I said to your mum,
15:20it's bin day at home tomorrow, I'll ring Sean.
15:22So I rang home, Sean,
15:24put the grey bin out,
15:25they're going to collect it tomorrow.
15:27Right, Dad.
15:28You put the bin out,
15:29rang you up,
15:30Sean,
15:31bring the bin back in.
15:32Right, Dad, I get the bin,
15:33brought it back in.
15:35There was one flaw in it, wasn't there?
15:37You forgot to put the fucking rubbish in the bin.
15:39I didn't.
15:40You put the bin out to be collected,
15:42they come and collected the empty bin,
15:43emptied the empty bin,
15:44brought it back,
15:45the rubbish is still in the fucking garden.
15:49Fucking marvellous.
15:50On Thursday night,
15:51there were more entry-level entrepreneurs
15:53battling it out on BBC One.
15:56This is good now,
15:57cos it's only, like, week three,
15:59so you've still got the shit ones in.
16:00Yeah.
16:01Oh, Lee, I'm glad this has started this series again.
16:04Do you know what, though, I'm telling...
16:06What are you looking at?
16:07Your giraffe top.
16:08Oh, do you like it?
16:09No.
16:10You're fired.
16:13When Lord Sugar waggles his big meaty finger at them
16:15and says, you're fired,
16:17they all go,
16:18thank you for the opportunity.
16:20I know, as if you'd be saying that.
16:21I'd say, I'll take you to the cleaner's, son.
16:23Unfair dismissal.
16:25Hello.
16:26Oh.
16:27Good evening.
16:28In the programme,
16:29we saw Lord Sugar making a special appearance at the house
16:32to announce the next task.
16:34I'm sending you off to the historic market town
16:37of Stratford-upon-Avon.
16:39Ooh!
16:40Just up the road?
16:41Just down the road.
16:42I like it there.
16:43You know who comes from Stratford-upon-Avon?
16:45I do.
16:46Shakespeare.
16:47Yeah, and Aunty Sheila.
16:48Who the hell's Aunty Sheila?
16:49I want you to source nine items
16:51and buy them at the best possible price.
16:54Oh, it's a sourcing task.
16:56This is a good one.
16:57It's when they have to run around
16:59and they don't know what a lobster pot is.
17:01Brilliant.
17:02I love this bit.
17:03So I know there were a few concerns last task
17:05that I didn't put myself forward enough.
17:07Ooh, Carlo.
17:08Taking on his feedback.
17:09I'm going to be involved in this task,
17:11so be it project manager or sub-PM.
17:13Carlo's putting his name in the mix.
17:15The thing is, he's been getting a bad rap
17:17cos he's not been doing much the past two weeks.
17:19I'd like to put myself forward as project manager as well.
17:22I think there is a strategy task that fits into my locker.
17:25Ooh, fits into my locker.
17:26Ooh!
17:27Put that in the corporate book of jargon, please.
17:30Hands up for Max.
17:31Brilliant.
17:32Happy to steer the ship.
17:34It's Max, then.
17:35Go and trust Carlo.
17:37That's brilliant.
17:39Aww!
17:41Ooh, he's not happy.
17:42You can tell by the look of his clock.
17:45I'd like, Carlo, I'd like you to be on my team
17:47and I'd just like to supervise that.
17:49He wants him on his team so he can supervise it.
17:51I'd tell him, fuck off. I would.
17:54Hiya. Hi, Ben, how you doing?
17:56How you doing?
17:57Concave shoes are what we're after.
17:59What's a concave? Is it those horseshoes?
18:01I'm guessing.
18:02Them farriers, they earn a fortune.
18:05£96 it costs me for four new shoes on my arse.
18:08What is your kind of guiding price on that?
18:11If we said £25 a pair...
18:13So they're getting a bargain for £25?
18:15No, I'd be offering £12.50.
18:17£12.50? Going low?
18:19Yeah.
18:20We were thinking more around the £10 mark at this stage.
18:23£10? Are you having a laugh?
18:2515.
18:26Meet you in the middle at 12.50 and it's a done deal.
18:28OK.
18:2912.50? That's not bad.
18:31What did I say to you, 12.50?
18:33You did, Theresa. I did.
18:34There was just a few things I'd like to touch on
18:36in the last negotiations. Have we got time for that?
18:38100%.
18:39I just think it'd be more personal with the guy.
18:42What?
18:43The horse in the room?
18:45How's that going to drive the price round?
18:47Are you happy with the deal that we got?
18:49We need it to be lower.
18:50No.
18:51What?
18:52To be lower?
18:53Lower? We got it for half price.
18:55Bar stealing it!
18:57I needed it to be lower.
18:59OK, now I am going to stop you there.
19:03That's why he's keeping an eye on them.
19:05Yeah.
19:06He's just nitpicking his Carlo because he didn't get to be leader.
19:10Carlo, listen to me.
19:11I'm going to get wound up now.
19:12I'm going to get wound up now.
19:13I'm going to get wound up now.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16Yeah.
19:17I want to...
19:18I'm not allowed to speak and when I do speak you disagree with it?
19:20Is that what you're really saying?
19:21No.
19:22Jesus, once he's started Carlo, he can't shut up, can he?
19:24I do my head in him.
19:25Poor sock, innit?
19:26Carlo, just a reminder from me, the strategy from the morning,
19:29I know that you know this already,
19:30but the 50% opening is what we've done so far.
19:33They hear the price and they go 50% lower?
19:3550%, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:36OK.
19:37What wild shit is he going to come out with now?
19:38Are you ready?
19:39I'm ready, guys.
19:40This is how you negotiate.
19:41Oh!
19:42Oh!
19:43Famous lassoing!
19:44Right down the gauntlet here.
19:46The price I see is 16.
19:47That's what we retail at.
19:48OK, is there kind of any movement on price, by any chance?
19:52Make me an offer.
19:53Ah, eight.
19:54Five pounds, maybe?
19:55Five pounds.
19:56Five pounds.
19:57Did he go in really low?
19:58He was supposed to go in at 50%?
20:00Absolutely not.
20:01There's a little thing called a profit margin.
20:03Of course.
20:04Max is like, yeah, mate.
20:06I've gone as far as I can go with this product.
20:08So a tenner...
20:09Can I say one last thing, please?
20:11Oh, stop it.
20:12Right, make it stop.
20:13Shake on a tenner.
20:15Thank you very much.
20:16Goodbye.
20:17I'm going to reach out my hand and I'm going to say,
20:19with a big smile, nine pounds.
20:20Come on!
20:21Oh!
20:22Embarrassing yourself there, Carlos.
20:24Ten pounds.
20:25I'm going to jump.
20:26Ten pounds.
20:27Ten pounds it is.
20:28Thank you so much from all of us.
20:29Oh, that was one of the cringiest things I've ever seen.
20:31Yeah, toe curling.
20:32That is how you negotiate, Dane.
20:34I managed to piss off the shopkeeper in one go.
20:36Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:37It was very good skills, that, Simon.
20:39Later in the boardroom, it was Max and Carlo in the firing line.
20:44I'm really torn.
20:47This is difficult for me.
20:48Who's it going to be?
20:50Surely it's going to be Carlo.
20:52My gut feeling tells me that, um, Carlo, you're fired.
20:57I knew it.
20:58He didn't even say he's with regrets.
21:00No.
21:01Well, it's not, is it?
21:02Cos he's an absolute saussage.
21:04Thank you, Lord Sugar.
21:06Baroness Brady, Tim, it's been a pleasure.
21:09Don't say thank you, he fired you.
21:11See how he was just maintaining that rapport?
21:13Yeah.
21:14Just wanted to keep that rapport going.
21:15I believe there's no mistakes in life, there's only lessons learned,
21:17so I'm going to take those lessons I've learned and push forward.
21:20This is not the last you're going to see of Carlo Granchetti.
21:22I think it is, mate.
21:24Yeah, it is.
21:25You're just going to be on...
21:2682 series in.
21:27Yeah.
21:28We know how it works.
21:29Yeah.
21:30Yeah.
21:32In North London...
21:33You know, I told myself this year I'm going to read a lot of self-help books,
21:37because...
21:38Hold on, hold on, hold on.
21:39You don't even read, so why are you pretending like you do?
21:42..sisters Amira and Amani.
21:45I just want to give you some advice about life
21:48that I've found in this book I've been reading.
21:51Your life is not something that someone gives you,
21:54but something you choose yourself.
21:56Mm-hm.
21:57You are the one who decides how you live.
22:00Wow.
22:01I wanted to remember that, and remember that I gave you this advice.
22:04I'm not going to lie, I'm truly touched.
22:06Are you?
22:07I'm so touched by that.
22:08What do you think that means?
22:10I don't know.
22:11THEY LAUGH
22:13I couldn't tell you!
22:14On Monday night, a bunch of opinionated Brits
22:17were on an eye-opening journey on Channel 4.
22:20Me and Ben watched episode one of this.
22:22Was it any good?
22:23It's actually quite interesting.
22:25You know what, I think this is going to annoy me,
22:27as that guy asked me if there's schools in Jamaica.
22:33Winston Churchill will be rolling in his grave.
22:37Everybody glorifies Winston Churchill.
22:39If you look into what he actually did, he was a massive prick.
22:42And they should have kept Elizabeth Fry on the £5 note.
22:45I mean, you can see France.
22:47All you need is a big foghorn and just say,
22:49look, go back to where you come from, don't come here.
22:51Oh!
22:53It's about immigration.
22:55Six Brits with strong opposing views on immigration...
23:00..travelled to two of the most dangerous countries in the world.
23:04Oh, the braver the melee, I'll tell you now.
23:07I couldn't do that, just to prove a point.
23:09I'm sorry, I can't.
23:13Going back to where you came from, you immigrant.
23:16Which way did you go?
23:20I did not. I walked.
23:22THEY LAUGH
23:23In the programme, we caught up with the Brits abroad
23:26following the refugee route from Somalia to Kenya.
23:30I live in a small village in Wales, population just under 400.
23:35One day, I found out that the local hotel
23:38was basically going to house 300 illegal immigrants.
23:42So there's a population of 400 and they're bringing 300...
23:46Illegal immigrants. Illegal immigrants.
23:48To stay in the hotel. I'd be uncomfortable with that.
23:51I would.
23:52I looked online and I realised that these people could be paedophiles,
23:55could be rapists.
23:56There's a lot of coulds there. They could be this, they could be that.
23:59Yes, the assumption.
24:00I don't want criminals living at the bottom of my garden.
24:04If that's what calls me racist, I'll take it.
24:07She's honest. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:09Some people won't admit it.
24:11She's telling her that's her opinion and she's being honest about it.
24:15I think something have happened to the Welsh girl for it to be so...
24:19Negative. Yeah.
24:24There's a refugee camp. My God, look at it, it goes on for miles.
24:28One of the biggest camps in the world,
24:30Dadaab is a sprawling city of makeshift tents
24:34and is now home to nearly 400,000 refugees.
24:38400,000!
24:40That's nearly three times the size of Blackpool, that.
24:43Hello.
24:45Nice to meet you, Mum.
24:4727-year-old Nadja, her husband Liban and their children
24:51arrived at Dadaab 18 months ago.
24:54Well, they've been living there for 18 months.
24:56Oh, they've had a baby.
24:57So how many children altogether do you have?
24:59We have five. Four children and my mum, yes, living there.
25:03Oh, my God.
25:05God, look at that.
25:07The four kids just laid in a makeshift tent, not even a bed.
25:11So you left Mogadishu, was it because of the violence?
25:15Yeah, we had life.
25:17But why we run away? Because of Al-Shabaab.
25:20They bombed all of the people.
25:22Oh, God. That's where the problem lies, isn't it?
25:24Yeah, live in a peaceful existence, terrorists come in
25:27and you become desperate.
25:29So we show you where the husband is living.
25:33He's living here. Oh, my God.
25:35Shitting hell.
25:37HE GASPS
25:39Big machete there.
25:41Oh, God, he sleeps there like a night watchman to protect his family.
25:45Oh, my God.
25:47That's just...
25:49It's getting to a scene, all this, isn't it, Jess?
25:52I was sexually assaulted when I was 16.
25:56That traumatised me really bad, really bad.
25:59I was only a kid. HE GASPS
26:01There we go, answers.
26:03I then decided I wanted to go to Thailand and go on my own.
26:08Got to Thailand and I picked a cab.
26:11He took me to an alleyway.
26:13And then he did what he needed to do.
26:15Oh, dear God.
26:17I mean, now we can understand why Jess is like she is.
26:20Yeah, you understand that, yeah.
26:22So if I can get sexually assaulted twice in my life,
26:25the prospect of that many men at the hotel,
26:29the bottom of my garden,
26:31absolutely petrifies the life out of me.
26:33I don't agree with it, but it's understandable
26:35as to why she would blanket everyone.
26:37Why she's got fear. Yeah. She's got fear, hasn't she? Yeah.
26:40And that's the driving force. Yeah.
26:43One night, if he left us one night,
26:45we don't know what's happening to us.
26:47If it's not safe.
26:49So if anything was to happen to him... She's fucked.
26:52..they would be left completely vulnerable?
26:55I think Jess is actually, the penny's dropping for her,
26:58people's predicaments here.
27:00How are you coping?
27:08I don't know how I explain.
27:19You can't even talk about it, can you?
27:21She's struggling, you can see it. Mm.
27:24This is not a life for you.
27:26We need solutions.
27:28That's really upsetting.
27:30I knew it would.
27:32There's no easy solution to this. There is no easy solution.
27:35If there is one.
27:36If it was me with my family and there was something going on here,
27:39what would I do?
27:40The exact same thing they're doing.
27:42So why is it any different? Exactly.
27:45You do what you have to do to protect your family,
27:48that's the end of it.
27:57In Blackpool...
27:58Tell you what, my foot is absolutely busted.
28:01Dropped a sink on it the other day.
28:03Don't even think about it.
28:05I've only shown you before, it really hurts.
28:07I can see it from over there.
28:09Pete and his little sister Sophie.
28:12Honestly... Don't get any closer.
28:14Honestly, you can't see it.
28:16I will rot your world.
28:18No, just have a look. If that touches me...
28:20Just have a look. If that touches me...
28:22Please have a look for me. If that touches me...
28:24My foot's sore.
28:25Feel your disgusting hairy leg.
28:27SHE LAUGHS
28:29SHE SCREAMS
28:33This week, the bell rang for a brand-new term on BBC Three
28:37as our favourite school kids had their backs packed for a new series.
28:41I don't think boarding schools today are as cruel as they were in the past.
28:47Never did me any harm.
28:49Well, look at you. It must have done you harm, Nutty.
28:54I'm not screwed up.
28:56Your talent will get you your scholarships at St Gilbert's.
28:59You'll be who they expect you to be.
29:01And in the first series, it's where a group of black kids
29:04get a scholarship to a really posh, predominantly white school.
29:08If you just want my attention, just say that.
29:10I don't want your attention. Then what do you want?
29:12I like Jaheim, you know. Make sure you don't forget us.
29:15Remember, we made you right here.
29:17So he's Jaheim's best mate, yeah, but Jaheim's gone to...
29:20School, gone to do his education.
29:22Malachi's holding it down for him. Yeah.
29:24I.e., Malachi's going to bring you some money, Nan, don't worry about it.
29:28This is a young person's programme, isn't it?
29:30It is young. It's like Grange Hill, but...
29:33Posh. ..with a bit more edgy. I don't understand it any more.
29:36I don't know about you lot, though, but this time round feels kind of better.
29:40It's always better the second time, isn't it, once you know what you're doing?
29:43She definitely is that girl.
29:45I knew a white girl called Ebony. Old drama this time.
29:47Looks like your school, Jaheim. This does look a lot like my school.
29:50It looks very familiar. Yeah.
29:52Look how man's attitude's switched up now, isn't it?
29:55He's getting that good goodie. He's getting the good goodie.
29:57I think he's lost his V-plates or something.
30:03Oh, my God, snogging in the head boy room!
30:06I don't remember school being like this.
30:12No wonder other people enjoyed school more than me.
30:15I was selling Kit Kats and apparently other people were doing this.
30:19Oh, I used to hate assembly.
30:21I was barring crap.
30:23Mr Picky Parker used to sit there, picking his nose.
30:26Like that, the teacher.
30:28We used to call him Picky Parker.
30:30He was always picking his nose.
30:35Oh, new headteacher.
30:38And he's still taking his selfie!
30:40Oh, man, you couldn't make that more... Yes, innit?
30:43As you are all aware, due to the leadership of our previous head,
30:46St Gilbert's has been run into the ground.
30:49Oh, what does this mean now?
30:51And the only way St Gilbert's can continue delivering
30:54its renowned, excellent education...
30:57Get rid of St Gilbert's!
30:59Get rid of St Gilbert's!
31:01Get rid of St Gilbert's!
31:03Get rid of St Gilbert's!
31:05..and excellent education.
31:07Get rid of the black kids.
31:09They're going to get rid of the scholars.
31:11At the end of the current term,
31:13I will be reducing Master Ashford's scholarship programme
31:16from five places to three.
31:19I knew it! Oh, shit, two of them have to go.
31:22Those on such scholarships will be given report cards.
31:25Oh, my God.
31:27Oh, God.
31:28That's humiliating to announce stuff like that
31:31in front of the whole school.
31:33At the end of the current term, we'll be awarded the scholarships.
31:37Oh, so they're in competition? Oh, really?
31:39Ah, so shove your scholarship up your arse, you silly old cow.
31:43Sideways.
31:47Yo.
31:48Meet has run out. There's still no sign of Malachi.
31:50I'll sort it.
31:51What's Malachi going to do?
31:53Give them some money, I think, help them out a bit.
31:59Not delivered? Not delivered.
32:01Well, where's Malachi? I bet he's banged up somewhere.
32:04How do I? I don't know where he is.
32:10KNOCK AT DOOR
32:12Yeah?
32:14What you doing?
32:15Oh, she's back again for round two.
32:17She's coming for pudding.
32:18Oh, Jenny.
32:19You OK? Does he look OK?
32:21Good.
32:22You sure?
32:23What's up?
32:25Just wanted to hang.
32:26Sorry, Jane's coming back in a bit, so...
32:29Well, we don't have to shy.
32:31What are you doing here, then?
32:32Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
32:34What's he talking to her like that for?
32:36He's stressed. That's why.
32:38Look, I didn't mean that. I think I'm just going to go.
32:43Foot that right up there, didn't he?
32:45He needs to learn to communicate. Yeah. Doesn't he?
32:48I'm a bit worried about me pal Malachi. Yeah.
32:50I tried contacting him several times today and he's just not responded.
32:55Right, presentation day.
32:57We shall start.
32:58Um...
32:59OK.
33:00Marsham comma...
33:02Jaheim.
33:03Come on, Jaheim, with your little contraption.
33:06I used to love presentation day.
33:08Oh, my God, you're such a game.
33:13Oh, look at her. She's at the back there with his bloody card.
33:15His pork card.
33:17The mucus in the lungs, they, um...
33:20No, you're not allowed your phone in class.
33:22Don't answer that.
33:23Sorry, sir.
33:24All right, everyone, settle down. Quiet.
33:26Turn it off.
33:27Malachi!
33:29What does he do? Answer the call, not answer the call.
33:31But his whole life's at stake if he doesn't take the call.
33:34Sorry, this is really important, sir.
33:37Marsham.
33:38Marsham.
33:39He's answered it.
33:40I can't believe he's answered the phone in front of everyone.
33:43He'd have at least ran out of the classroom.
33:45Just wave me your hand, please.
33:46Give me back my phone!
33:48You can't just snatch like that. Give him his phone back.
33:51Look at her smirking.
33:53Oh, she's taking great pleasure in marking him down.
33:56Do you think he can't catch a break?
33:58Oh...
33:59Can he?
34:00One time at school, I was having a really bad day,
34:03and do you know what? I went and got the bus home.
34:05SHE LAUGHS
34:07I turned up at home and my mum was like,
34:09how did you get out of school?
34:11I just escaped.
34:14In Caerphilly...
34:15You've got all your shelves lined up.
34:17In Caerphilly...
34:18You've got all your shelves now with all your bits and bobs on.
34:22All the bits and bobs on now.
34:24Dave and his wife, Shirley.
34:26A little bit of Winderlein and what have you.
34:28Come to me, love.
34:29Yeah.
34:30This is the best place for you, love.
34:32What?
34:33I'm going to get a lock on...
34:34Oh, all right.
34:35I'm getting a lock on the door.
34:36All right.
34:37I'll give you four cans and you can stay in there all night.
34:40Aye, hello.
34:41Yeah.
34:42You'd love that, wouldn't you?
34:44Yeah.
34:45Get him a tulip.
34:46You'd love me living under the stairs, wouldn't you?
34:48Yeah.
34:49Well, you always said you wanted a man cave.
34:51A man cave? It's hardly a cave.
34:53It's only about four by four.
34:55On Wednesday night, it was premium versus economy
34:58in a battle of the brands on Channel 5.
35:00Do you know what?
35:01Nothing used to drive me up the wall
35:03more than when Dad used to buy the Tesco's, like, own brand,
35:07Lidl's own brand stuff.
35:09And I'd be like, wait, this ain't Coco Pops, this is Coco Rocks.
35:13It's bargain week.
35:15It's bargain week on supermarket own brands.
35:18The Big Taste Test.
35:20Bargain week.
35:21Everybody loves a bargain and we're from Yorkshire.
35:23We always go, how much?
35:25Ruzza, sniff my juice and see if it's branded or shop brand.
35:29Sniff my juice.
35:30In the programme,
35:31they were putting a couple of Sunday roast staples to the test.
35:35Our lucky trio kicked things off with shots of delicious gravy.
35:39Gravy A is from Aldi.
35:41I'm a northerner and I love gravy,
35:43but I couldn't drink it out of a shot glass like that.
35:46B is for Bisto.
35:48B is for Bisto.
35:50And finally, C is from Lidl.
35:53Now, I only go to Lidl as a treat or to get a big sausage.
35:58A is quite a meaty sort of...
36:01Flavour. Flavour. Nice. And smooth.
36:03OK. Do you agree, Alan, on A?
36:06No, I think B is the nicer. Yeah, I do agree.
36:09B, there we are, Bet, you got it in one.
36:11That's comforting.
36:12Listen, you cannot mess with a gravy, you understand?
36:16Do the home brands have the right stuff to pull it back?
36:19You are used to stuffing balls now, love.
36:22Texture's nice.
36:23Aldi's, oh, Christ.
36:25They don't even look nice, do they?
36:27I can taste the onion in it, I can taste the sage.
36:30The texture's quite nice.
36:32It's not overbearing, it's quite subtle.
36:34Do you like it or not?
36:36I don't want a subtle stuffing,
36:38it gives you a real punch in your taste buds.
36:41It's a decent showing for Aldi,
36:43but can it compete with the big brand Paxo?
36:45This is it.
36:46Nothing can compete with Paxo, come on.
36:49Big brand fans, look away now.
36:51Ooh, look.
36:52Oh!
36:53She's gagging on them balls, look at that.
36:57Alan, it looks like it's a no from you.
36:59No. No!
37:01Not to my taste at all, that's just stodge.
37:03Oh, wow.
37:05No, that's the Paxo!
37:08What a shock for Paxo.
37:10I can't believe that.
37:12This is how delusional you are, Sue.
37:15No. Yeah.
37:16Look, I know a stuffing ball when I see one, right?
37:20Last up is Lidl.
37:22Oh, now Lidl. Lidl.
37:24It's definitely better than B, but not as good as A.
37:27Oh, it's even better than B!
37:29Paxo's dead last in this book.
37:33A, stuffing was just ten times better than those two,
37:36so that's definitely what has swayed my decision.
37:39Yes, I buy mine from Aldi.
37:41Favourite shop.
37:45One time, right, when I was younger,
37:48and I was quite a fat kid,
37:51my mum and dad got a curry, right, from the Indian,
37:54and my curry tasted weird,
37:56and I thought, why does my curry taste weird?
37:59Turns out mum and dad got me a Weight Watchers curry
38:02and they all got a normal curry.
38:04How did you find out?
38:06Cos I went to put it in the bin and there was a Weight Watchers packet.
38:09Oh!
38:10For a chicken korma.
38:12And it's always stood with that, so you can taste your own.
38:14You can taste the difference.
38:23In Wiltshire...
38:24So, Mary, I've got you a bit of a treat here.
38:26What's that?
38:27A little treat from the Canary Islands.
38:29Eat it first.
38:32OK, I think it looks like earwax,
38:35it tastes like earwax...
38:37Stop it!
38:38..and it smells like earwax.
38:40How would you know what it tasted like?
38:42Earwax?
38:43Mm.
38:44Well, in your life,
38:46don't tell me that you've never tasted earwax.
38:48Why did you say that? That's horrible.
38:50Sorry, but I should have let you finish your mouthful first.
38:54Do you agree that it looks like earwax,
38:57tastes like earwax...
38:59Why did you buy it if you thought that?
39:01Mm.
39:03On Friday, it was all about impending doom on Channel 5.
39:07Raffi, come and watch the news, darling.
39:09This colour draw in my eyes.
39:12I've acclimatised now.
39:13It's bright.
39:14It's scorched onto the back of my retina,
39:16so when I go outside, everything's still yellow.
39:20Do you remember when we used to go out on a Friday night?
39:23Now all I'm looking forward to is taking my bra off.
39:26Do you know what?
39:27Channel 5 news is actually my fifth favourite news,
39:30after Channels 1, 2, 3 and 4.
39:32Nice.
39:33Now, an asteroid is heading towards Earth.
39:36Oh, shit. When?
39:38And if it hits us, it'll be catastrophic.
39:41That was my weekend ruined. I've got Lion King tickets.
39:44Why is she so happy about the potential obliteration of Earth?
39:48And it's caught the attention of scientists
39:50because the odds of a collision have doubled in the past two days.
39:54Oh, dear, oh, dear.
39:56Look, we're nice knowing you.
39:57Why have I not heard about this?
39:59Oh, yeah, no, this is it.
40:01This is what astronomers say is hurtling towards us.
40:04Where? Where is it?
40:05Asteroid 2024 YR4.
40:08I mean, it looks like it's moving at some velocity.
40:10At the moment, there's a one in 45 chance
40:13YR4 will hit Earth on the 22nd of December.
40:16Right before fucking Christmas.
40:18One in 45? That's pretty close, isn't it?
40:20I reckon we're still pretty sound with that.
40:222032.
40:24Oh, we've got ages.
40:25Will we still be alive?
40:26No.
40:27Compare that to the chances of winning the lottery, one in 45 million.
40:31Wouldn't it be really messed up if you won the lottery
40:34on the 21st of December, 2032?
40:37It's even more likely than getting a hole-in-one in golf.
40:41That's one in 12,500.
40:43Particularly for you, my love.
40:44Oh, I just knew that was coming.
40:46Should we have to build a bunker?
40:49We don't need to build a bunker.
40:50I don't know if I believe him, though. He looks a bit shifty.
40:53OK, well, I hope you got that.
40:54We do not need to be worried.
40:56From the expert himself.
40:59I love how they're laughing.
41:01The end of the world is about to ensue.
41:05Laughing death in the face.
41:07Well...
41:08You'll be laughing on the other side of your face
41:10if it lands round where you are.
41:11Yeah.
41:12If it lands on your prius.
41:18In Leeds...
41:19I want to show you everything that I've bought today.
41:21Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
41:23Some brown bootcut leggings.
41:25Brown bootcut leggings, I like them.
41:27They're me, them.
41:28I think you should...
41:29It's a shame we don't share the same clothes size,
41:31cos I'd have them off you.
41:32Oh, do you know what? No, I wouldn't.
41:34Because...
41:37..they...
41:38I bought a pair in grey just before Christmas.
41:40Do a thing for you, I think you should take them back.
41:43Oh, really? Yeah.
41:45Well, let's try them on first.
41:47Unless you want your arse to look like chocolate mousse.
41:51And you can see the bubbles.
41:53That's what my grey ones do for me.
41:56On Saturday night,
41:57Michael McIntyre entertained us with his pranks again on BBC One.
42:02No! No!
42:04Can I ask a question? Yes, go ahead.
42:06How come you get the flamingo
42:08and I just get some raggedy old plain-arse glass?
42:10Cos this is my house.
42:16I don't mind Michael McIntyre.
42:18Michael McIntyre, I think, is an all right lad.
42:21But it's a sensory overload for me.
42:24Ladies and gentlemen,
42:26it is now time for the unexpected star, star of the show!
42:31I like this, I like this bit.
42:33Cos they don't know they're the star, do they?
42:35No, not yet.
42:36Famous singer is just doing something,
42:38like going to a restaurant,
42:39suddenly the walls drop and they're in front of the audience
42:42and the band's playing their song, they have to sing it.
42:44So this is Justin Hawkins.
42:48Oh!
42:50From the darkness.
42:51We've seen him in Roundy Park.
42:53I believe, I believe in a thing called love.
42:55Oh, I don't like all this shitsy.
42:57Justin thinks he is promoting
43:00a brand-new laser quest experience.
43:04That's a bit random.
43:06Wow, we'll do anything for a bit of cash, won't we?
43:09He'll be gutted.
43:10OK, so there he is. That's his manager.
43:13Oh, this is going to be fun. Here he is, here he is.
43:16Here's your pack here, so right on to here.
43:19They've made a proper fake laser quest, how cool.
43:23Come on through, I'll get you started.
43:25Keep checking it. It loaded this.
43:29Watch out for other players.
43:31Laser as many...
43:33Yeah, you got it.
43:34It would feel like such a nob, wouldn't you,
43:36when you realised it were all a lie and you fell for it.
43:43Here we go.
43:44He's gone down.
43:49Hello, Justin!
43:58Stop!
43:59Oh, my God.
44:00Straight in the waist, downed on him.
44:02Hello.
44:07Ooh, the shirt's coming off, too.
44:09I know, yeah.
44:10He means business. He does.
44:11He looks like he lives his life, that this could happen to him every day.
44:14You've always got to be ready to take it off when you're a rock star.
44:21I ain't got a bad body, I'll just say that.
44:23I didn't look like that at Roundy Park.
44:25I'm not sure that he's expressing enough surprise.
44:28But how could he know what was happening?
44:31Well, maybe he's tripping or something
44:33and he thinks this is part of the trip.
44:35Yes.
44:42Feel!
44:44You remember this, don't you?
44:46No.
44:48But you're behind the steering wheel.
44:51Do-do.
44:55Do-do-do-do-do-do!
44:58Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
45:02Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
45:05I used to love the darkness.
45:07Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
45:11Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
45:16No-one knows the words. No-one knows the words.
45:19Are they a serious band?
45:21Or are they a spoof band?
45:23Oh, no, I think... Well, I don't know.
45:25Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
45:27Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
45:30He's not even warmed up and he's belting out those notes.
45:33Quacking vocals! Quacking vocals!
45:35An absolute legend.
45:40Come on!
45:41Oh, come on, boys!
45:45I'm a living McGowan!
45:50Do you think a lot of teenage girls fancy the lead singer?
45:54No idea.
45:55Do you fancy him? No.
45:57Why don't you fancy him?
45:59Well, he's too bony. He reminds me a bit of a sort of chicken.
46:02Chicken?
46:03A chicken's carcass before it's cooked.
46:06What?
46:11What a legend he is.
46:13What a good sport.
46:14I think I'm probably going to add that onto my list of karaoke songs.
46:18No, don't.
46:19Justin Hawkins!
46:21So, do you want this Laser Quest opening or not?
46:30Support information for the issues raised can be found online
46:33at channel4.com slash support.
46:36Got the gogglers talking and everyone else?
46:39Stream all episodes of The Controversial,
46:41go back to where you came from or watch Monday at 9.
46:45Next up, Nabeel Abdul-Rashid has the Valentine's straw for the last leg.