Gogglebox S24E05
Gogglebox - Season 24 Episode 5
Gogglebox - Season 24 Episode 5
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00:00Can we get rid of this thing?
00:02Don't jump on me.
00:06It's coming towards me.
00:08OK, don't just leave me standing here.
00:10Can you catch it?
00:12It's coming towards me!
00:16I'm on the top of it!
00:22No!
00:23Here we go.
00:24They've got him.
00:25What are you doing?
00:26Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
00:29Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
00:32Oh, kiss.
00:33Oh, that's a bit forward.
00:34This is raunchy, isn't it?
00:36Bring on the delves.
00:37Yeah!
00:38Who's in for the finger this week, isn't it?
00:40Oh.
00:41It's so bad, it's actually good.
00:43It's actually good.
00:44What just happened?
00:45Siri, call Ofcom.
00:48In the week Coldplay tried to flog their latest album on QVC,
00:53we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:56The best of Essex was in Fancy Dress on BBC One.
01:01Pete Wicks and his partner, Gevita Pistol.
01:04Would you, Pete Wicks?
01:06Of course I would.
01:07Would you? Would you actually?
01:09Well, I don't know, maybe when push came to shove,
01:12I might definitely do it.
01:15A couple of 90s throwbacks were all grown up on You and Dave.
01:20We might look like middle-aged blokes.
01:22Just make the tea.
01:24Clearly, we're just a pair of massive, noisy...
01:30..kids.
01:31I think it's just they're having a midlife crisis.
01:33That's all it is.
01:34They're just trying to find out if they can still do stuff
01:36like they did when they were 20.
01:38And you're going to have the same problem.
01:40I was going to say, is this something you want to talk about, Dad?
01:43You all right, Dad? You sure you're OK?
01:45I'm not having a midlife crisis, I'm fine.
01:47Is everything all right at home?
01:49And there were plot twists aplenty on Apple TV+.
01:53I want you locked up.
01:54OK, well, you'd have to catch me first.
01:57And you're not as good as me.
01:59Although you could be.
02:01If you worked for me.
02:02I'd like to offer you a job.
02:04Do you know...
02:08..straight down the middle, me, I can see anything coming.
02:12I should work for MFI.
02:16Why?
02:17Do you want to...
02:18Do you want to sell some wardrobes or something?
02:21No, MF... Oh, no, I mean, MFI, I mean.
02:25You'd be good work at MFI.
02:36In Blackpool...
02:37Oh, no!
02:38What?
02:39I think I've accidentally bought a three-wheel van.
02:42Why?
02:44Well, I had a couple of beers last night.
02:46Oh, dear.
02:47There's Paige now.
02:48Pete and his little sister Sophie.
02:53Paige?
02:54Can't take your call right now.
02:56Just leave your message after the tone.
02:58When you're done, press hash or just hang up.
03:02Pete's bought a three-wheel van!
03:05You idiot.
03:06What are you doing?
03:10I wouldn't have worded it like that at all.
03:13No, you've dumped me in this shit now.
03:16On Tuesday night,
03:17Chef Nadia was back on the BBC making something out of nothing.
03:22The problem with watching this is...
03:25..Nadia's food looks a lot nicer than yours.
03:28She does present it well, to be fair, doesn't she?
03:30Dad would cook about once a month
03:32and it would be, like, the most diabolically, like, nice meal.
03:35Yeah. But it's only, like, once a month.
03:37But you are a better cook.
03:38No, but there's heads.
03:39Dad's like Ronaldo and you're like Messi.
03:42If I see leftovers in the fridge, I'm like...
03:47I'm like, not for me.
03:49Nah.
03:50And if it's in the Tupperware already, nah.
03:53New meal.
03:54New meal, thank you.
03:56And I was so bad, but it's the truth.
03:58Yeah, we always make Dad eat the leftovers.
04:00Yeah.
04:01Mum's always like, that's Dad's.
04:03Next, an absolutely brilliant gathering board
04:06that's designed to be used as a dining table.
04:09Next, an absolutely brilliant gathering board
04:11that's designed to share.
04:13A gathering board? What the bloody hell's a gathering board?
04:16We had to bring a board night for my 29th birthday, didn't we?
04:19Yeah. That were good, that, weren't it?
04:21Jess Wilson made that salami Christmas tree.
04:23Oh, yeah.
04:25This beautiful breakfast is not only now my favourite way to serve eggs...
04:29We love eggs.
04:30I like a poached egg, I like a fried egg.
04:32Yeah.
04:33Give me a scrambled egg any time.
04:35It's also a great way to start off someone's special day.
04:38What is that?
04:39..my party-perfect poached eggs
04:41and cook-once-eat-twice creamy beetroot dip.
04:44Oh, I don't know about that.
04:45Oh, I love beetroot, Ronnie.
04:47I'm not even on the fence on this one.
04:49Eggs and beetroots are no.
04:50Yeah.
04:54Poached eggs should be on toast, that is it.
04:56Yeah.
04:57See, now you could do something but not have that beetroot dip.
05:00Couldn't anyone do...?
05:01Egg.
05:04My favourite way to eat an egg is poached.
05:06I love a warm, runny yolk.
05:09Can you make poached eggs, cos they're the hardest eggs to make?
05:12Well, I can, but sometimes I'll use six eggs
05:15to get to the one egg that I'm going to eat.
05:17I've tried loads, I've tried swelling it round what people say...
05:20And then drop the egg, yeah. ..and drop it in, put it in vinegar.
05:23Yeah. Oh, I've had them in... Oh, I don't put vinegar.
05:25I've had them in cling film, put them in there,
05:27burnt my fucking fingers.
05:29I just can't do poached eggs.
05:31First, get a pan of water on the hob
05:33and one bowl for every single egg.
05:35Oh!
05:36How much washing up does she want to make?
05:38You can tell she's got a dishwasher.
05:40And then just drop them in.
05:43OK.
05:44We've been having that in the tornado blasters.
05:46So she's just going to crack it like that, innit?
05:48No, she's got that wrong. Yeah.
05:50It should be swirly, swirly. It should be swirly, swirly.
05:52Sorry, Mr Professional Chef over here.
05:54Now for my third tip for poached egg perfection.
05:57A bowl of cold water plus some ice cubes.
06:00Oh, put them in ice water, innit?
06:02Oh, let's be fair.
06:04Who wants to be fanning about like this?
06:06I bet it's Joseph Joseph that, about 300 quid.
06:09Yeah, for an ice cube tray.
06:11It won't be the one that's come with the freezer.
06:13Oh, God, no.
06:14Now to build my breakfast board.
06:16Why a board? Why a board?
06:17I suppose she can't really afford to use any more plates
06:20cos they're all in the washing up room.
06:22That's right, it's her board.
06:23She's probably got that out the garage.
06:25This kind of beats having beans on toast, doesn't it?
06:28No. No.
06:29Don't slag off beans on toast.
06:31Students for centuries have got to buy them beans on toast.
06:34Not beetroot smoothie. No.
06:37Remember, we eat with our eyes.
06:39If somebody served you this, you'd be like, wow.
06:42It wouldn't be wow.
06:43No. What have you done?
06:45I want to add some texture, so I've got pickled red cabbage.
06:49Red cabbage. If she puts red cab... No, I'm out.
06:51Red cabbage for breakfast.
06:54And wait for it.
06:55What's she done? Now what's she putting on?
06:57A drizzle of honey.
06:58Honey and eggs. Honey and eggs.
07:00Oh, bloody...
07:01This is a rule-breaker in the kitchen.
07:03Like, you just don't know what to expect with her.
07:06We like honey, don't we?
07:08Not on an egg, though. Yes.
07:10Not on a bloody egg, no.
07:12The best way to eat this is with warm, crispy, buttered toast.
07:17Thank you. Geez, I did wonder.
07:19Oh!
07:20Yeah, warm, crispy, buttery toast. Now we're talking.
07:26Do you know what I'd rather have for breakfast?
07:28A ciggy, and I don't even smoke.
07:30I think that this might be all right in London.
07:34In a city where there's lots of different nationalities,
07:38but you're not going to get some old Tory doing this, Nutty, in the shires.
07:43Oh, you are. You're not. Yes, you are, Tubbs.
07:46Tory's going to look at that and they're going to scream.
07:50In Bristol...
07:51Do you know what, I was looking through social media
07:54and my old photos and some of the stuff that I used to wear, wow.
07:59I used to wear V-necks all the time.
08:01I never got those. Oh, the low ones?
08:03I'm a cow, man.
08:04And I used to put Vaseline in the crease as well, do you know what I mean?
08:08To make it shine? Yeah, make it shine.
08:10Nah, you went too far.
08:12Brothers Tremaine, Twain and Tristan.
08:15So you used to contour your chest? Yeah, contour, you know what I mean?
08:18That's what I mean, to make it pop out a bit, you know what I'm saying?
08:22You shouldn't have told me that.
08:24That's some footballers ting, man.
08:31On Monday night, a couple of likely lads were off
08:34on a voyage of self-discovery on you and Dave.
08:37Will Mellor and Ralph Little, yeah.
08:40I've been looking forward to this.
08:42I like them, you know. I can't get enough Will Mellor in my life.
08:45I think they've been friends for 20 years
08:47since they met on Two Pints of Lag and a Packet of Crisps.
08:50Yes. Which we've never watched even one episode of.
08:53I'm sure it was good at the time.
08:55It must be good, it's on every night on, you know, old telly.
08:59It's there!
09:01This is Will.
09:03I have no idea who that is.
09:05And this is Ralph.
09:07I think Ralph Little has got better with age as well.
09:10Happens to some fellas. Yeah.
09:12We might look like middle-aged blokes. And we are.
09:15But really, we're just a pair of massive...
09:18Fellas.
09:21Kids. Oh, kids.
09:25Will or Ralph?
09:27I think I'd marry Ralph and then have a roll in the hair with Will.
09:31You'd have a shag in the boathouse with Will. Yes!
09:35We are going to military hostile environment training.
09:40That doesn't sound good at all. Oh, I'd love to do that.
09:43Would you? Yeah, go to...
09:45OK, I don't know what they're going to do exactly,
09:47but in my head, they're going to go around and shoot loads of stuff.
09:50I've done walking marathons before.
09:52Walking? You think that's the same as military training?
09:55No, but I'm getting there. And it was for charity.
09:58Hostile environment training is a serious military training exercise
10:02that teaches you coping strategies for stressful situations,
10:05such as combat zones or kidnappings.
10:07I need this to deal with you.
10:09You're a hostile environment.
10:11How much are you thinking you'd love it now?
10:13I've got off the idea. Yeah, yeah, I thought you might.
10:15Listen, whatever happens, I've got you.
10:18We're getting paid.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:21What is that? What's what?
10:23Oh, shit, is it happening already? What? What? What?
10:26That's a roadblock with people with guns.
10:28No, it's not. Yes, it is. Oh, shit.
10:30Uh-oh. Uh-oh, it's started, Steve. Yeah.
10:33It's started a roadblock.
10:35I need to see some IDs from yourselves, OK?
10:37Yeah, can I get a vehicle index checked?
10:40I feel like this lot are, like, retired
10:42and they're just doing a bit of car supply.
10:44Yeah. You know, he probably does Father Christmas.
10:47The garden centre.
10:49Would you like to keep your hands where we can see them, please?
10:52Yep.
10:53Oh! No, no, no.
10:56A man of you would actually punch him.
10:58That would piss me off.
10:59What's my foundation? I know, but, like, bloody hell, he's Emma.
11:03She's a fresh.
11:04You're quiet in a passenger seat. What's going on?
11:06Stop. Take him out and search him.
11:08Trousers off.
11:09I don't know what this is like. This is like the start of a porno.
11:12Terrorist attack, but two guys you don't recognise.
11:14You're obviously not from here.
11:15Two guys we don't recognise, that'll have kicked him straight in the...
11:18HE GIGGLES
11:19..in the python.
11:20Where the fuck are you?
11:22What's he got in his hand?
11:23What is it? Oh, he's got a detonator.
11:25Oh, for fuck's sake.
11:27Get your fucking hands in the air.
11:29Oh! Oh!
11:30I was not expecting that.
11:32Get your head down. On your knees. Oh, I wouldn't like this.
11:34Who did it?
11:37Kill him. Kill him?
11:39What? That's a bit mad, isn't it?
11:41Keep your head still!
11:43We're getting bags on the head!
11:45Where's Will defending Ralph?
11:47HE LAUGHS
11:49I'm going nowhere. I'll look after you, Ralph, don't worry.
11:52GUNSHOTS
11:53What's he shooting? Are they just shooting?
11:55No. Pretend shooting? Yes.
11:57Stay still! Stay down!
11:59I didn't realise you'd fucking actually do it.
12:01Oh, my God.
12:03They've killed him.
12:04Dogs are stupid.
12:05He didn't realise.
12:06I didn't realise you'd actually do it.
12:08Get that body in the boot.
12:09Fucking move!
12:10They've just shot Ralph.
12:11Get in! Stay still!
12:13Get in! Get him in!
12:15Oh, he's in! He's going for it!
12:17Oh, Ralph!
12:18Oh, Ralph, he's playing it well.
12:20Considering he's dead,
12:21the fact that he's managed to fold himself into that boot's fantastic.
12:24Head forward! Head forward!
12:26Go, go, go, go, go!
12:27Move! Get! Go, go, go!
12:29Oh, they're pissing off.
12:30What's going on? Yeah, what's going on here?
12:33Does he know they've ran away? Now what?
12:36About 27 minutes went past.
12:39Oh, you are joking!
12:41How long would you wait, though?
12:43Oh, you'd leave me forever.
12:44You'd have caught the next bus home, you.
12:51It's creeping!
12:53It's me.
12:55Are you all right?
12:57Did he really stay in there with that idea?
13:00Did he really stay in there with that over his head?
13:02I don't believe...
13:03I would have took that off the minute they closed the lid.
13:05OK, now!
13:06Oh!
13:09Fuck off!
13:12Will went to go and put the bag back on his head!
13:15I've actually been in a boot before.
13:17Have you? I'm hardcore like that, yeah.
13:19Yeah, I took one for the team
13:21because there wasn't enough space in the car,
13:23and as the tallest one, I said to them,
13:25guys, don't worry, I'll get in the boot.
13:28I was in there for, like, 30 minutes,
13:30going over speed bumps and everything.
13:33Bang in my head the whole time.
13:35Yeah, back and forth, yeah.
13:37So I took one for the team, so you can rely on me.
13:41Yeah, in a hostile environment, I'm the one you go to.
13:44Yeah.
13:45You can be in the boot.
13:46I'll be in the boot, mate.
13:48Balaclava and all.
13:59In Surrey...
14:00Got a visitor, Simon. What's his name?
14:02Ted.
14:03He wants you to lift him up.
14:04I can't lift you up, Ted. You've got to climb up.
14:06You've got stronger legs than me.
14:08..Simon and his sister, Jane.
14:10Just push him away, Simon!
14:14Look, he's going to get overexcited now.
14:16I don't blame him!
14:18I feel violated.
14:21Oh, my God, Ted!
14:22On Saturday night, we hot-stepped our way
14:25through our favourite Hollywood hits on BBC One.
14:28Hey! You ready for some Strictly?
14:31Movie week this week.
14:33Our love movie week.
14:41You're lucky that Strictly's on while you're pregnant,
14:43cos what would you do on a Saturday night
14:45if you were pregnant and no Strictly?
14:47Well, this is it. I'd be stuck.
14:56Pete Wicks. Pete Wicks!
14:58He can't dance, but he's doing better.
15:02Do you know what? If you were doing one for a film self,
15:05it'd be in homage to your hair, it'd be grease.
15:10You do, babe, cos you're a fucking pig.
15:16Dancing to Samba from the movie George Of The Jungle.
15:19One of my personal favourites.
15:21George, George, George Of The Jungle.
15:23Watch out for the tree.
15:25Pete Wicks.
15:27Oh, that's sick!
15:28Look at all these special effects that Strictly are doing now.
15:31Bloody hell, there's a lion on the dance floor.
15:38Hey!
15:40Why is he whining like that?!
15:43That's disgusting. Disgusting.
15:48Oh, my God, look at him, just whining in Craig's face.
15:51He's trying to get more votes from Craig,
15:53and I think it's going to work.
15:55That will work. That'd work for me.
16:01Pete's really going at it.
16:03Jesus Christ, have you choreographed this?
16:05Ooh, he can move, can't he?
16:07That's all he's moving, though, Julie.
16:09That's all he's done up to now. That's all he needs to move.
16:13Watch out for the tree.
16:15Ooh, he's not very, er, fluential, mind you, to be fair.
16:19What do you mean?
16:20Well, I think he's very reliant on what he's got hanging between his legs.
16:24I think he's got the wrong end of the stick.
16:26It's meant to be about dancing, not pornography.
16:29All that pelvic circling that he's doing is wrong.
16:33No strong as he can be.
16:38I don't know if it's the dress,
16:40but Pete doesn't look right tonight.
16:42He doesn't, does he?
16:44Do you think Pete Wicks has had a spray tan,
16:46or do you reckon that's his actual tan?
16:48Da bear's shit in them woods.
16:50Of course he's had a spray tan.
16:52Exactly. Strictly, Ellie.
16:54Watch out for the tree.
16:58Ooh, no!
17:00No, stop doing pelvic thrusts.
17:02I really don't know whether he's doing well or not,
17:05because I'm just very overstimulated.
17:11Oh, hello. He tripped on a fence.
17:14That might kill me.
17:18That was her fault.
17:19That wasn't her fault.
17:20That was her fault.
17:21Watch out for the tree.
17:26That was, like, one more for good measure.
17:28Yeah, that's, like, one just for the tree.
17:32I'd love to be that tree right now.
17:35Is he a bit of you, Pete Wicks?
17:37Yeah. Ooh, yeah.
17:39Tells me I'm the worst dancer in the world.
17:41Well, I think you're a good dancer.
17:43He says I do the Georgia Shuffle.
17:45What's the Georgia Shuffle?
17:47He says I pull this weird face.
17:49Only when I'm drunk.
17:52I know what face he's on about.
17:55Yeah!
18:00In Leeds...
18:01I've just seen your message.
18:03Which one?
18:04I've just chased my dog for my wig.
18:08Is this life?
18:09See you soon.
18:10Just getting my bits together.
18:12Best friends Danielle and Daniella.
18:15Do you know what I'm saying?
18:16I'm walking out the door, my wig's at the back,
18:18falls on the floor.
18:19Raffy saw an opportunity.
18:20Man was gone.
18:21With your wig?
18:22With my wig round the table.
18:24I'm like, get here, get here.
18:26He goes...
18:27I got it back, every curl drop out, lace twists up.
18:30Look.
18:31Did you put the rollers in it last night as well?
18:33It was curly.
18:34I mean, it looks OK.
18:35It don't feel OK.
18:36It feel like it's leaning and bent up.
18:40Get a dog, they said.
18:41Oh, look who arrived.
18:43Raffy, you are too much.
18:46Little wig teeth.
18:49This week, teenage hormones were running high again on Netflix.
18:54Ready for a bit of Nick and Charlie?
18:56Heartstopper.
18:57That's the one.
18:58Yeah.
18:59Love their relationship.
19:00This is about young love,
19:01which is something you guys haven't experienced in a long time.
19:04At least.
19:05I mean, he has got a point.
19:10Do you remember what relationships were like
19:12when we were at high school?
19:13You just were in a relationship on MSN or Facebook.
19:16Yeah.
19:17And then you didn't actually speak at school,
19:19you just stared at each other from across the playground.
19:21This is based on a book.
19:22Is it?
19:23Yeah, it is, yeah.
19:24Didn't know that.
19:25Is it a good book?
19:26I haven't read it.
19:28I love you.
19:30I'm in love with you and I just wanted you to know that.
19:33And you don't have to say it back, yeah?
19:34Is that Charlie confessing his love?
19:36Or is he practising, do you think?
19:38I think he's practising to a picture.
19:40Is he rehearsing?
19:41He's rehearsing for Nick, I think.
19:43He's going to tell him he loves him.
19:45I mean, but...
19:47I hope you do.
19:48Oh, that would be brilliant, wouldn't it?
19:50She's listening in.
19:51Oh, no.
19:52The trouble is, when your sister hears that,
19:54she's just going to start laughing.
19:56Well, maybe she's a nicer sister than the ones I know.
19:58I don't want you to feel pressured.
20:01Oh, my God!
20:02Oh!
20:04Oh, how embarrassing.
20:05Stop spying on me.
20:07Stop declaring your love so loudly, then.
20:09You know, I can remember when you and Paige were courting
20:12and you'd be living here in your bedroom, doing all this.
20:17So, I've caught you snogging the mirror before now,
20:19so don't give it all up.
20:21I'm fucking doubting.
20:27Nick's looking buff.
20:29Nick's been in the gym in between series.
20:32I think you should just tell him straight away.
20:35You don't open the door and go, I love you.
20:37Get it out of the way.
20:38No.
20:39Word vomit.
20:42What?
20:43Just say it now.
20:45I've never seen you in a vest before.
20:47Vest?
20:48You've got a vest on.
20:49Maybe I don't love you, actually.
20:51Shall we go?
20:52Yeah.
20:54I mean, is it important to tell people you love them?
20:57Of course it's important.
20:59What's the matter with you?
21:00Wouldn't they just know by the way you lavish affection on them?
21:04Yes, but sometimes it's nice for someone to say...
21:07Spell it out.
21:08..I love you.
21:09Right.
21:10Is it important?
21:11All right.
21:19What's the matter with him?
21:20Well, why's he not eating?
21:21Come on, there's a lot going on in Charlie's head right now, innit?
21:24But now I can do what I want.
21:26It's true.
21:27Oh, Nick's noticed.
21:28He knows that it feels uncomfortable.
21:30Hi.
21:33You're not hungry?
21:35No, everyone's finished eating and touched his food.
21:38Come on, Charlie, what's wrong?
21:40I guess I must have over-eaten today.
21:42I think Nick's a bit worried about Charlie's eating habits.
21:46Losing weight, is it?
21:47I don't know.
21:50Do you think Nick thinks Charlie's got anorexia?
21:53Possibly.
21:57I wish he was a little bit older, actually.
21:59Oh, he's going to ask him, you know, have you got, like...
22:02Have you got...
22:03..an issue eating food and stuff like that?
22:07I need to talk to you about something.
22:09Go on, say it now.
22:11Say it.
22:12Yeah.
22:13Yeah, I do, too.
22:14Oh, don't bring up the anorexia thing before he's about to say I love you.
22:18They're on two totally different vibes.
22:20Oh, fuck.
22:21He's on the love vibe, he's on the anorexia vibe.
22:23Can you do one that's it at the same time?
22:25You go first.
22:26No, no, no, no, he don't want to go first.
22:28No.
22:29Oh, this is going to go... Tits up, this.
22:31I think you have an eating disorder.
22:35Oh!
22:36Right.
22:37Charlie's crushed, isn't he? He thought he was going to say I love you.
22:40It's lovely that he, you know, cares so much and wants to help you.
22:43Yeah, but, like, read the room.
22:45Yeah.
22:47I don't think I do.
22:48Oh, oh, he's in denial.
22:50This isn't the romantic trip to the sea that Charlie planned, is it?
22:53Well, that's just piss on his bonfire, isn't it?
22:55Is that what you wanted to talk about as well?
22:57No.
22:58Not quite the same.
23:00Yeah.
23:01Oh, he's not going to tell him.
23:03You've upset him, Nick, you've upset him, see?
23:05Well, he didn't mean to, he cares for him, doesn't he?
23:07That's why he wants to make sure.
23:09Nick?
23:10Yeah?
23:12My mum said I have to go home.
23:14Is he going to drop the album now?
23:16Charlie just needs to get it off of his chest.
23:18Yeah.
23:19You know when we were in the sea?
23:21I had a wee.
23:22Shh!
23:23When you asked me whether the eating thing was what I wanted to talk to you about,
23:26it wasn't what I was actually going to talk to you about.
23:28Oh.
23:29OK.
23:30This is good.
23:31You better not tell him I love you whilst the other guy's washing his arse, Craig.
23:35I was actually going to say that...
23:37Come on, Charlie!
23:38Spit it out!
23:39Charlie, please, say it.
23:41I'm on Tinderbox.
23:44I love you.
23:45HE GASPS
23:46Oh, yes!
23:48Nick?
23:49Is Nick going to say it back?
23:54Oh, God.
23:55Hello, Nick?
23:56Speak!
23:57Who seems to be taking me back?
23:59Oh, Nick.
24:00I can walk myself home.
24:02Bye.
24:03HE GROANS
24:05Oh, Charlie.
24:07Oh, no!
24:09Idiot.
24:10I'm such an idiot.
24:12No, no, no, you're not an idiot, Charlie.
24:15We've all been there.
24:16I know, but he hasn't, and this is the end of his world right now.
24:19This is the first time he's had to face a little bit of rejection,
24:22and I bet it's absolutely mortifying.
24:28Come on, Nick, go get him.
24:29Oh, he's running down the street with no shoes on.
24:31That's romantic.
24:32Charlie!
24:35Oh!
24:36Oh!
24:37HE LAUGHS
24:38Right, can you say what you said again?
24:40I'm sorry.
24:42Right, can you say what you said again, please?
24:44It's embarrassing.
24:45Oh, he's asking him to say it again so he can say it back to his face.
24:49That's cute, innit?
24:50That's well cute.
24:52I love you.
24:56He's got to say it back, come on.
24:58Come on, Nick, come on.
25:00You've got to say it back.
25:01I just wanted to tell you cos you're going away
25:03and I won't see you for a few weeks.
25:05I love you, too.
25:06HE GASPS
25:07Oh!
25:08Oh!
25:09Thank fuck for that.
25:11We've only waited the whole episode.
25:13Come here, you idiot.
25:16Oh!
25:18Go on, sunshine.
25:20Got a bit of a lump in my throat there.
25:22Why don't you ring your mum and tell her you're going to stop at mine?
25:25Are you going to be another half hour?
25:27I remember Nat once being pissed in a song coming on the radio
25:30and he said,
25:31Oh, this song always reminds me of you.
25:33I think this is our song.
25:34And I, like, were really touched.
25:36I thought that was such a romantic moment.
25:38And then, like, it were on Spotify one time
25:40and I said, Nat, do you remember this song?
25:42And he were like, no, I don't know what you're talking about.
25:45I was like, oh.
25:54It leads...
25:55Did you ever make the Mary Poppins list when I told you about it?
25:59I did, for your partner, who's practically perfect in every way.
26:03Do you want to hear it?
26:05I do, yeah.
26:06It's quite extensive.
26:07Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
26:09I've separated it into essentials and nice-to-haves.
26:13So, on the essentials, we've got hard-working, open-minded,
26:16kind, attractive, good with money, cling for real records,
26:19zero drugs policy, slash no drink problem,
26:21emotional intelligence, full head of hair, patient, discreet,
26:24loyal, supports my hobbies, wants to be my plus one.
26:27And there...
26:28Obviously, you don't want much.
26:29Not much.
26:30Nice-to-haves.
26:32Nice teeth, nice car, generous, good style,
26:34taller than me, cooks nice dinners.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:40So...
26:41Hence why I've been single for the last 18 months.
26:46On Friday, it was the BBC that served as our daily helping of news.
26:51I think it's very bad for you to go to the bakery every lunchtime
26:55and buy not only a pasty, but also a sausage roll and a doughnut.
27:00Why do you buy all three?
27:02As the winter wears on, it's a sort of instinctive thing.
27:06I've also discovered custard pies, Mary.
27:09Here, a pub landlord has introduced a surcharge
27:11for diners who leave too much uneaten food.
27:14Oh, that's hilarious.
27:16I've heard about this. It's in carveries.
27:19And a bid to stop people overloading their plates
27:22at the all-you-can-eat carvery.
27:24Who's leaving food at a carvery?
27:26Is it Starmer that's doing it, Mary?
27:28Is he coming for our carveries?
27:30People lose their fucking minds when it comes to buffets.
27:32People at buffets make me feel sick.
27:34Oh, to be fair, when we were on holiday,
27:36we had a crazy buffet selection.
27:38Remember the time I had the sushi and the chocolate cake on one plate?
27:41But we ate it.
27:42Food waste became a real headache for landlord Mark Graham
27:45in the years after the pandemic.
27:47At his Sunday carvery, he serves the meat.
27:49Oh, look at that. That looks nice and dry.
27:52And then customers can return as many times as they like
27:56to load up again on all the rest.
27:58That's a good selection, that. That's all right, that.
28:00Ooh, look at that, York. Just look homemade.
28:03Mash and roast. Yeah, stunning.
28:05Is that stuffing on end? Yeah, stuffing that.
28:08I glanced down and they've got a pile on there
28:11that you would put a ladder up the side and a flag on top.
28:14That's leaning it, mister, I'll tell you.
28:16Yeah, it's usually aeros.
28:18It's usually aeros, is it? Mount Everest.
28:20Just to go like that to walk with it back,
28:22because you can't see above it.
28:24And then either just leave it and waste it
28:26or try and take it home. That's ridiculous.
28:28Not that you'd have that worry with me.
28:30And then she puts it in a Tupperware box
28:32to take home for later for bubble and squeak
28:34the next day, don't you, Jenny? No, I don't, Lee.
28:37It's an all-you-can-eat buffet, not all-you-can-carry buffet.
28:41Do you know what? Now, I wouldn't go to the Star Inn
28:44for the fact of I'd be a nervous wreck. Yeah.
28:46I'd be shaking. I'd have too much, I'd have too much.
28:49Well, I think if you've managed to put it on your plate
28:53with the intention of eating it
28:55and you don't want to see it go to waste,
28:57you should be allowed to take it home.
28:59If you put it on the plate with the intention
29:01of putting it in a box and taking it home for later, that's wrong.
29:04But how do the police that? How do you police it?
29:06At the weekend, the team here found themselves imposing
29:09the charge for excessive waste for the first ever time.
29:12Look, that is a waste. That's a dinner, isn't it?
29:15To be fair, that is a lot of food wasted, though.
29:17A customer was charged £2.40 on top of the original £12 per plate
29:22after they'd confirmed there was nothing wrong with the meal.
29:25Oh, there was nothing wrong with it. No, there was just full greedy twats.
29:29I don't know why he's not just doing a £14.99 all-you-can-eat. Yeah.
29:32You know, he's in Cornwall, he's got a licence to charge. Exactly.
29:36I love carberries, don't you?
29:38Well... Don't you? No.
29:40You're a funny old thing.
29:42What's wrong with food that's been left out for six hours
29:45under a heated lamp?
29:47Why are you being so fussy?
29:50In Hull...
29:51Hey, you know the other night when I went home, don't you?
29:54Oh, yes, I do.
29:55Yeah, well, you know when I was in here, he was trying to kill that fly?
29:58Yes. I think his mate come home with me.
30:01Why? Because I heard a fly when I got home.
30:04Best friends Jenny and Lee.
30:06There is more than fucking one fly, you know.
30:08Well, I've got his brother.
30:10HE LAUGHS
30:11He's dead as well. It's not, it's come back, it's there.
30:14You brought it with you.
30:17On Sunday night,
30:18more people were being paired up with pooches on Channel 4.
30:22Come on, then, come and watch The Dog House.
30:26Good boy.
30:27I love The Dog House.
30:29Never seen it.
30:30It's a dog dating show, basically.
30:32I'm a bit scared of dogs, I don't know why.
30:35Why?
30:36I just said I don't know why.
30:39Till it gets.
30:42The Dog House.
30:43Been there a few times, haven't we, lads?
30:46In the programme, we met couple Trinity and Paul,
30:49who were looking to add a third dog to their family.
30:52Max, he's a bit of a lovable rogue, really.
30:55He's cute. How cute is Max?
30:57Max looks like I'd want to sniff his breath.
30:59Just over a year ago, he lost his brother.
31:01Aw. Aw.
31:03Aw, he needs a new friend.
31:05He looks a little bit sad.
31:06He does look sad, doesn't he?
31:08Oh, he does look a bit sad.
31:09He does look sad.
31:10If you lost your brother, you'd be upset, wouldn't you?
31:13Oh, really? OK.
31:15We've hopefully come up with a good option.
31:17A little dog called Peanut.
31:19Peanut, yeah?
31:20Is he OK with having his name changed?
31:23So, Peanut, he is a Jack Russell cross with a chihuahua.
31:26A jack-a-wow-a!
31:28Ooh, a jack-a-wow-a.
31:30Oh, let's have a look at him.
31:32Come on, Peanut. Come on.
31:34He's quite cute, isn't he?
31:35I quite like Peanut.
31:36They just always seem to have the perfect dog, don't they?
31:39Yeah.
31:40Peanut is a typical little terrier, so he's got a big character.
31:43He's quite sassy at times.
31:44To me, that's a red flag. Yeah.
31:46You know, if somebody's got a big character,
31:48normally they're a bit of a twat.
31:51Can I help, Dad?
31:52In you go.
31:54Oh, he's on the telly, Bob.
31:56He's on the telly.
31:57Hello.
31:58Hi.
31:59Oh, right.
32:00Oh, oh.
32:01Eh, eh, what we got here?
32:02Go on, like each other, like each other.
32:04Oh, come on.
32:05Oh, you'll be nice.
32:07Be nice.
32:09Oh, he's so excited, isn't he?
32:15Oh, Peanut.
32:16Oh, not sure.
32:18Oh, Max is all over Peanut like a rash.
32:21I know, look.
32:22Peanut's having to hide from you.
32:25Peanut's like, oh, the fuck's this?
32:27All right, calm down, mate.
32:29Can I go back to me cage, please?
32:32Oh, I think Peanut's quite upset by this.
32:34Yeah, I think he is.
32:35I don't know if it's going to work.
32:37It's not going to work straight away.
32:39Yeah, they don't like him.
32:40It's not going to work.
32:41We're going to have to put them both down.
32:43That was quick.
32:44Yeah.
32:47Oh, no, he's howling.
32:49Well, yes, he's joining in.
32:51Well.
32:52Oh, now Max is joining in.
32:53We're having a bark-off.
32:59He's warm up there.
33:00Oh, come on.
33:01Oh, he's got up.
33:02Has he got up?
33:03Oh, he's gone to sit near him.
33:04Is Peanut starting to like Max now?
33:06Boys, yeah.
33:07Good boys.
33:09Oh, he's giving him the old bum sniff.
33:12There you go.
33:13Rip your bottom.
33:14We have made contact.
33:18Blessing.
33:19Good boys.
33:20Oh, shut up.
33:23Oh, they're kissing.
33:25Oh, look.
33:27This is great.
33:28This is what we wanted.
33:32Oh, God, here we go.
33:33Is Peanut going to be there?
33:35I wonder if they adopted him late.
33:37We thought long and hard about it, and...
33:39And?
33:40..we decided to re-home Peanut.
33:43Yay!
33:45Peanut's in the house.
33:47We decided to rename Peanut Ozzy.
33:50Ozzy Osbourne.
33:51Fucking Ozzy Osbourne.
33:52Jesus, girl, has it all gone through and off?
33:55Ozzy's definitely had a positive impact on Max's life.
33:59Max looks like he's got his spring back, innit?
34:01He's like a new Max, isn't he?
34:02It's lovely to see, it really is.
34:04Look at the difference in Max.
34:06He looks happy now, doesn't he?
34:07He does.
34:08I know it sounds bizarre, but he does, doesn't he?
34:10I think you should get another dog.
34:11No way, I'm not getting another dog.
34:13Go on.
34:14No way, I'm happy with two I've got.
34:16Get a Pomeranian.
34:18Oh, I'd love a Pomeranian.
34:19Chocolate Pomeranian?
34:20Yeah.
34:21What would I call it?
34:22So you've got fudge, cookie and...
34:25I could finally have Sunday.
34:27Mm.
34:28I could have a cookie fudge Sunday.
34:30Oh!
34:35In Kent...
34:37We lost 5-1.
34:38We should probably not play football any more, really.
34:41That's actually a good result for us.
34:43I'm not even joking,
34:44last season there's been one goal for the B team.
34:47Michael, Sally and their sons, Jake and Harry.
34:51That's horrific.
34:52Sorry, mate, you can do better.
34:54I'm the slave of football.
34:56If I'm playing football, I'm actually trying to do it
34:59and my team hasn't scored.
35:02My team hasn't scored or scored once in the entire season.
35:07Might as well just give up.
35:09That's what I'm saying.
35:10Actually, we've had two games and we've already scored one goal.
35:13Oh, well, you should just take the rest of the season off then.
35:16You're kind of done.
35:17We're basically beating our previous stats.
35:19Yeah.
35:20On Wednesday night, we were reaching the thrilling finale
35:23of Apple TV Plus's slick set of slow horses.
35:27Ooh, ooh, what is it?
35:29The bloody flight's doing my head in.
35:31Frickin' slow horses.
35:33Funny name, isn't it?
35:34I know, isn't it?
35:35I can't see the relevance.
35:37No, I haven't seen a horse in this, have you?
35:44Get that turned up.
35:46Don't be tight with volume.
35:48I've got to have it on an even number.
35:53George will make a good secret agent.
35:56You need to be boring to be a secret agent.
35:59Really, really boring.
36:00You're not boring, darling, but you can be a chameleon.
36:04You demure.
36:07In the episode, we saw River Cartwright being arrested
36:10and on his way to be questioned by his colleagues at MI5.
36:17HE GASPS
36:18Secret camera!
36:20Who's watching?
36:21Oh, look, there's the camera, Nottie.
36:23Planted by Harkness.
36:27Three minutes.
36:28Three minutes till what?
36:30That's Harkness, yeah? Yeah.
36:32That's the head of the terrorist organisation that was behind the bomb.
36:36So who's he tracking, then?
36:38I think he's tracking River.
36:39Lamb's a tricky bastard.
36:42Annoyingly, when he actually gets up off his arse,
36:44he's quite hard to beat.
36:46What's he like as a boss?
36:48Terrible.
36:49He doesn't strike.
36:51Oh!
36:52Shit!
36:53Jesus Christ, where did that come from?
36:55They didn't expect that, then, did they?
36:57Shit!
36:58That was for him, that.
36:59Vink, do something!
37:01Run, River!
37:02Turn the fucking car around now!
37:04Do it!
37:05Binman's gone fucking mental!
37:07J, turn nice.
37:09Move, move, move!
37:11We're stuck!
37:12Why are they stuck? You're in a car.
37:14Stop fucking driving!
37:15Call for back-up, we need back-up now.
37:17Shit!
37:18That's the assassin!
37:19You wouldn't have thought an assassin would have worked on the dust,
37:21would you?
37:22Well, it just shows you that they get played well.
37:24And he's wages up.
37:25Yeah.
37:26Well, the assassins can't even make ends meet.
37:28This is what this country's come to, guys.
37:30No, no, don't get out of the car.
37:32Don't...
37:33Fucking give me the key!
37:34He's bloody outcast, man.
37:36Oh!
37:37That's why you don't get out the car and get covered in blood.
37:40That is revolting.
37:43Why are you getting out the car?
37:44The car's bulletproof.
37:46He's gone.
37:47Oh, he's gone now.
37:48There's only air in him and River left.
37:51Emma, drive the fricking car.
37:53Oh, my gosh!
37:54No, I can't have River dead, no.
37:55He can't die.
37:58Oh!
38:00Shoot him!
38:01That's it, shoot him!
38:04Oh, she ran out, great.
38:07He's still alive, isn't he?
38:08Six shots, she haven't killed him.
38:10Christ, he must be a robot or something, is he?
38:15Oh!
38:16No!
38:17Knocked her out.
38:18Oh, that's not good.
38:19Oh, don't go in.
38:22Keep still.
38:23Keep still?
38:25Is he going to rescue him?
38:26Fuck him.
38:29What's going on?
38:30Why the pause? Why are you killing him?
38:33Oh!
38:34What's going on here?
38:35What's he doing?
38:40They want him alive for some reason.
38:42Oh, my God!
38:43Is it a rescue or a kidnap?
38:44I have no idea what the hell's going on, do you?
38:47No.
38:48Good.
38:49A bit later, we saw River being delivered for a meeting
38:52with head honcho Harkness in a fancy restaurant.
38:55Harkness.
38:58I think this is the first time they've come face to face,
39:01so it could be a pretty mega moment, isn't it?
39:05Hello, Dad.
39:06Oh, Dad!
39:08Dad!
39:09Hello, son.
39:10Freaking, this is a family affair, this, Lee.
39:13Look after me grandad, cos he's losing the plot.
39:16And he's gone for a beer with his dad.
39:18Who's the... the assassin?
39:20I'd like to offer you a job.
39:23Come and join the Darkside River.
39:25Don't do it, River.
39:26Some people can't take the pressure.
39:32I think you could.
39:34Who's he calling, Mum?
39:36He's trying to tell somebody where he is.
39:38Come on, I'm trying to spend some quality time here
39:41while you play with your phone under the table.
39:43Oh!
39:44He knows he's playing with his phone.
39:47Who do you call?
39:51Childline.
39:54That's very funny, isn't it, Mary?
39:56Yeah.
39:58Hello, flashing lights in the background.
40:02Don't do anything stupid.
40:04How does he plan on getting out of this?
40:06That's using him as, like, an hostage.
40:08Easy, easy.
40:10Back off!
40:11Back off!
40:12He's armed.
40:13Oh, what's going to happen now?
40:16Oh, for fuck's sake.
40:18Oh, what's going on here?
40:20Why is everyone pointing guns at everyone?
40:23There's a shoot-to-kill out on you.
40:25There's a shoot-to-kill out.
40:27Look at River's face.
40:29Why the fuck...?
40:30Grenade!
40:31Oh, shit.
40:32Oh, a grenade.
40:33That'll spice things up a bit.
40:35Here we go.
40:36Chaos.
40:37Oh, he's got the bloody grenade in his hand.
40:41Get it out of his hood!
40:43Just take your fucking hoodie off!
40:47Jesus Christ.
40:48Oh, my, he's going to blow his head off, this.
40:50Oh, my God, it's Patagonia, this.
40:52Get it out of the hood.
40:56Oh, my God.
40:57He's going to blow up his own son.
40:59He's gone in the fishpond.
41:00And now his dad's off.
41:01Killed all the bloody koi carp.
41:05Oh, wow, he's just walking off with the hat on.
41:08No, he's heading to the station! The station!
41:10Is he trying to get the Eurovastar back to France?
41:12I don't know.
41:14He is.
41:15He's at St Pancreas.
41:22He's lost him.
41:23Oh, no, he's thinking, he's thinking, he's thinking.
41:25What would I do if I was him?
41:30Would he not hide in plain sight?
41:32He's probably playing the piano downstairs
41:34with Claudia Willinkelman, blending in.
41:36Yeah.
41:37We've got Lang Lang fucking getting his piano boot, you know.
41:47What's happening?
41:48I feel like he knows something.
41:50So do I.
41:55Oh, he's found him.
41:56He's sat next to him.
41:59Oh!
42:00Oh, he's got a gun.
42:04What?
42:05What?
42:06Why is he handing the gun over to River?
42:08Good job, son.
42:10Thanks, Dad.
42:11What, he's giving up?
42:12Just like that?
42:15Oh, he's handing himself in.
42:16Is he? Why?
42:17So he's letting them catch him.
42:19I'll take the later train.
42:20Shut up.
42:21You also.
42:22He still thinks he's going to get away, doesn't he?
42:27Who the fuck is that?
42:28Is he going to admit it?
42:30He's my dad.
42:31My dad.
42:36HE LAUGHS
42:37Oh, you can't knock it back like that, love.
42:39Go on, lad, River, get it down you.
42:44Well, his dad's buggered off now, so River's going to have to cough up for it.
42:47It's not free, is it?
42:49Champagne in St Pancras in them velvet booths.
42:52Toss a bomb, cost a fortune.
42:54Gets the bill.
42:55How much?
42:57Now, that's criminal.
43:01In Wiltshire...
43:02You know you said you were longing for a hot pudding?
43:05Yeah.
43:06Well, I've got one.
43:07Oh, Mary.
43:09What on earth is that?
43:11Well, it's a baked banana.
43:12You know what it looks like, Mary?
43:14Giles and his wife, Mary.
43:16It looks like what?
43:17A turd.
43:18Oh, don't be so horrible.
43:20It's a lovely baked banana.
43:22OK.
43:23You literally put it in the oven in its skin.
43:25That's why I do the cooking, Nutty,
43:27cos I don't present you with weird shocks.
43:30That's not a weird shock.
43:32Taste it, it's fabulous.
43:33I don't think it's meant to be served with its skin.
43:35No, you take it out of the skin.
43:39Shouldn't that be done in the preparatory stage?
43:42No, the whole thing is...
43:43Shouldn't the chef do that?
43:44It's banana surprise.
43:45Banana?
43:46Certainly a surprise.
43:48On Friday, there was a news story that BBC Breakfast put their stamp on.
43:53Coffees.
43:54Yay.
43:55Hey, they've been washed.
43:56Who washed them?
43:57I washed them.
44:00Don't tell me you don't wash your grapes.
44:03It's a very personal question.
44:06Bit early in the morning for that, Mother.
44:08Good morning, welcome to breakfast with Nanga Manchetti and Charlie State.
44:11I like Nega.
44:12Oh, no.
44:13She plays golf.
44:14Did she?
44:15Good.
44:16So, in case you don't know, the price of First Class Stamp
44:18is going up by 30p on Monday.
44:2130p!
44:23Oh, do you know what? They're having a laugh.
44:25Yes, it is the third time that these prices have gone up since last October.
44:30Since last October?
44:32Shit!
44:33What fucking year is it that we're talking about the price of stamps?
44:36Did I wake up in 1912?
44:38A standard First Class Stamp right now will cost you £1.35.
44:43£1.35 to post a letter?
44:46I thought they were 60p.
44:47Well, I did.
44:48On Monday, that very same stamp will cost £1.65.
44:52No.
44:53I told her to take it myself.
44:55Who's going to tell Dad?
44:58Crazy, we're cheap as chips, Liv, when we were kids.
45:01Chips are not cheap now, either.
45:03That's another thing.
45:04Where did that saying come from?
45:06Cheap as chips?
45:07Oh, yeah.
45:08Now, Royal Mail says it needs to put the price up
45:10because of what it calls very real and urgent financial challenges.
45:15We're going to end up with a load of financial challenges
45:17if we start sending letters at that price.
45:19Buying a sheet of 50 First Class Stamps
45:21will be £15 cheaper today than it will be on Monday.
45:25Well, it'll be the same price for me because I ain't buying them.
45:28Listen, you'll be all right, I'm just going up to the post office for a bit.
45:32And for now, the price of Second Class Stamps will stay the same.
45:36And that's why I'll be having second.
45:38John from Tamworth says,
45:40I will still be sending Christmas cards.
45:42I've got friends in Belfast, Edinburgh, Dundee, Manchester,
45:46Devon, Cornwall...
45:47It's showing off, isn't it?
45:49Yeah, Mr Popular.
45:50Bloody hell.
45:51..who else can deliver cards for that cheap price?
45:54Well, I'll tell you what, John, if you've got all these friends
45:57and you're willing to spend £300, I'll drop them off for you.
46:01You can't get a Freddo anymore for 25p.
46:03They're now 80, it's just like...
46:05What?!
46:06Oh, God.
46:07Did you not know that?
46:0980p for a Freddo?
46:11Yeah.
46:12They were 5p when I was three.
46:15Well, it's like these stamps, everything's going up,
46:17you now pay 80 for a Freddo...
46:1980p for a fucking Freddo? Are you joking?
46:21No, I'm really not. Does this face look like I'm joking?
46:29We're heading to the suburbs next Thursday at ten
46:32to your average Mancunian evangelical family.
46:36Simon Bird returns with Everyone Else Burns.
46:39And get reacquainted by streaming Series 1 right now.
46:42And maybe it's the suburbs, maybe it's the cities.
46:44Wherever they take us, we're devout followers of Kirsty and Phil.
46:47Brand new location starts next Wednesday at eight.