Video Information: 29.05.2022, Vedanta Mahotsav, Greater Noida
Context:
~ Attachment is not a problem. The problem is being attached to something totally unworthy.
~ How to assess worth?
~ What is the problem with belief?
~ If you are attached to someone, check out the facts of their importance.
~ How to not be someone's emotional dumpyard?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
#acharyaprashant
Context:
~ Attachment is not a problem. The problem is being attached to something totally unworthy.
~ How to assess worth?
~ What is the problem with belief?
~ If you are attached to someone, check out the facts of their importance.
~ How to not be someone's emotional dumpyard?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
#acharyaprashant
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00When I am having conversations with my friends and family members, especially in the situations
00:11when they are complaining about something, about a situation which has happened to them,
00:18I try to help them, try to make them understand, see the issue clearly from my understanding
00:32of the concern.
00:35But they don't accept it at that time and they even say that I am not asking for any
00:41solutions.
00:42We just want to be listened, we are not looking for any solutions, which I feel is not acceptable
00:52to me.
00:53I feel it is kind of wrong thing to do.
00:58I feel it is like, it is not a good habit to dump your emotions onto a person.
01:11And people feel more comfort with a shoulder to cry on than a helping hand, which is actually
01:25trying to help.
01:26So I just want to understand the psychology behind this and how should I approach such
01:31situations, especially with our close ones.
01:36The question is that happens with friends and family members, that they come and they
01:46went out, their emotional garbage right in your face and when you listen to that and
02:05want to offer a solution, they say it is not a solution that we seek, we just seek
02:12to be heard.
02:16Listen to us and that's all that we want, don't offer us advice, have I got it right?
02:23He is saying he does not like this thing, he does not like to become a dump yard of
02:32superfluous emotions.
02:36See what is happening here, the one who is coming to share his or her emotions happens
02:45more with women.
02:47This is more of a characteristic with women, happens with men as well however.
02:55The person who is displaying such behavior does not actually want to change.
03:10What to do then?
03:12Listen to that person, if your listening opens up his or her listening, if and only if.
03:24You have come to me, you want a shoulder to cry on, fine I'll offer mine, take the
03:29shoulder, cry as much as you want to but now that I have listened to you, I want you to
03:36listen to me.
03:38If such reciprocity can be there, then it's alright to listen to such a person because
03:45that will afford you the opportunity to speak.
03:49However, if such a person wants to have a one-way thing, I'll come, I'll dump and I'll
03:59walk away.
04:01Then you are being used as a waste basket, no point, no point and by turning yourself
04:12into that kind of waste bin, you are doing no good to that person either.
04:19You are only reinforcing the sense of victimization that the person is carrying mostly erroneously.
04:32That fellow says, you know, I'm a victim and I have been treated unfairly by this,
04:42by that and so I've come over to you and I'm sharing what I have to.
04:50Now, when you listen to such a thing, you are actually becoming a passive participant
05:02in all the mischief that this person is knowingly or unknowingly playing.
05:08What is the mischief?
05:11The mischief is to paint oneself as a victim and the entire world as the culprit.
05:21I am someone who is always hard done by.
05:27I am the good one, I am the great one and all those around me are exploitative, cruel
05:37in this way and that way and you, since you are my friend or my relative or my lover,
05:48so you'll have to listen to me, you'll have to partake in my nonsense.
05:54You don't have to say anything because I know if you say something, then my mischief might
06:01be exposed, so I don't want you to say anything.
06:06I want you to only absorb all the rubbish I am throwing at you.
06:11Now, you're not merely being a silent absorber here.
06:18I'm saying you are becoming a passive participant in this harmful process.
06:30So tell that person, if you are sharing these things with me, then allow me to have a say.
06:40I'm a well-wisher and you too know that, that's the reason you are sharing these things with
06:44me and if I'm a well-wisher, allow me to express myself and if you say you do not want a solution,
06:56then why do you want to make your problem my problem?
07:02Either say you have no problem and if you don't have a problem, then you must not cry this much.
07:11Either say that you don't have a problem and if you don't have a problem, I'll ask you
07:14if you don't have a problem, why are you sulking and weeping?
07:20And if you say there is a problem, then let's come to a solution.
07:25This kind of a state, where you say that a problem exists and yet a solution is not
07:32needed is simply hilariously nonsensical.
07:44A problem exists but I don't need a solution.
07:47That merely means that you have a stake in letting the problem stay alive.
07:52Don't you see that?
07:56If you say yes, indeed there is a problem but a solution is not needed, then it means
08:01that the continuation of the problem is vital to some of your interests.
08:10If you deliberately want the problem to remain, then you are a big mischief maker, are you not?
08:20You have a stake in the problem.
08:24Not only do you have a stake in the problem, you actually want your problem to extend to me.
08:35You want me to become a participant in this network of problem.
08:41You're sucking me in and you're not allowing me to exercise my right to offer or create a solution.
08:53You're saying you tie your hands and be led by me into this labyrinth of problems.
09:06Don't allow yourself to be exploited this way.
09:11Speaking to a suffering person is an act of compassion, definitely.
09:24But only if the sufferer is first of all desirous of freedom from suffering, then you should
09:33in fact go out of your way to offer your time, your ears, your energy to the sufferer.
09:41You say please come, speak and let's see what we can do about it.
09:46But if the sufferer is actually playing games, the sufferer is actually playing, waging rather
09:59a psychological battle, then there is no point playing on with him or her.
10:19This is a very common tendency.
10:20So many of us have this, let's please avoid.
10:26If you have a problem that you can solve all by yourself, then don't disturb others.
10:34If you are in a situation, you don't even want to call as a problem, again don't disturb others.
10:42And if you do go to others to share your problem, then give others the right to offer a solution.
10:52Otherwise, why have you wasted their time?
10:55Why have you spoiled their mood?
10:57Why have you made your problem their problem?
11:03The preferable thing is that as an adult, your first priority should be to tackle your
11:10problems all by yourself.
11:14Don't be a crybaby.
11:16Don't rush to others for every small thing.
11:20Solve them by yourself and if you find that you cannot and all of us do come to that state
11:30at some point or the other where we all need help and there is no shame in that.
11:36But when you do go to others to seek help, then please do humbly accept the help.
11:45Don't impose your conditions on the helper.
11:50Don't say you'll have to help me as per the constraints I impose upon the help.
12:01No.
12:03If you know so much, then you should help yourself on your own.
12:16When you go to share your situation or seek help, then have the humility to listen and accept.
12:33Do you see, this is the reason why scriptures and teachers fail on most people.
12:41Even if we go to the scriptures, we say, I will accept you conditionally.
12:49You are telling something to me, I'll take it.
12:56But only as much as I think is suitable to my ego and only when I think I need it.
13:10Also in the form that I deem suitable.
13:15Now, if these are the tight constraints you put on the helper, then you will never be helped.
13:27Allow the helper to help you, but before that, try your best to be helped on your own.
13:43Yes.
13:44Acharyaji, what if that person also wants to get the help, but he or she thinks that
14:05But they are not ready to accept it.
14:12Even they know that they are in trouble.
14:15See, that's a situation of entire mankind.
14:18We all know that we need help.
14:21But help does not come for free.
14:25Help does not come in a way convenient to us.
14:33Help would always require that the helped one make a lot of concessions, change himself,
14:47adjust himself to become receptive to help.
14:53And that's why even though we need help, we don't actually accept it, even when it is there to be taken.
15:03Accepting help is a tough ask.
15:12You are overweight.
15:14You want help.
15:16You go to a coach.
15:19Now the coach won't run the treadmill for you, or would he?
15:24The coach is now helping you by bringing you to the treadmill.
15:31Setting you the targets, the speed, the inclination and other things.
15:38He's offering his help, but to take this help, you'll have to pass through some pain.
15:45We don't want to pass through the pain of accepting help.
15:54Then we'll turn to the coach and say, can there be a more painless way, please?
16:02Now, there cannot be a painless way.
16:06That's the problem.
16:13What makes it worse is, the more overweight you are, the more difficult it is to lose weight.
16:22Which means the more you need help, the more difficult it becomes for you to accept help.
16:30Now see, the more you need help, the more difficult it becomes for you to accept help.
16:40Because accepting help would mean accepting pain.
16:46Who wants to accept pain?
16:53And there are a lot of shopkeepers who know that.
16:57So they'll say, come to us.
17:00We are offering you painless help.
17:04And we have such shops galore.
17:08Come to us, you'll be helped that too without any pain.
17:13So we rush to them and we happily get cheated.
17:19But we are relieved that we didn't have to pass through pain at least.
17:24Fine, I got cheated once again.
17:27But I managed to avoid pain.
17:30See how smart I am.
17:34The mark of the spiritual mind is the willingness to take pain.
17:40Bring it on. Bring it on. Yes, I'm ready.
17:45Have something here.
17:49If you are someone who just cannot go against himself,
17:59there is no hope, no possibility.
18:07All progress is only for those who can stand firm in the face of great inner resistance.
18:23All your instincts, all your self-preservation tendencies will cry out to avoid pain.
18:40And you'll have to firmly put your foot down and say no.
18:49My pain is my choice.
18:58I'm not buckling down, not tipping over.
19:05I'm not surrendering to my dark inner self.
19:21Once you learn to willingly take pain, there is a dignity on your face.
19:36Do something that involves conquering yourself and then see how your eyes look.
19:54We were talking of the treadmill.
19:57Let's say 15 minutes at a certain speed is difficult for you.
20:02Now run those 15 minutes.
20:05And the last 5 minutes are like hell.
20:10Every passing second you are feeling like pushing the stop button.
20:17But you continue to run.
20:20And when you step down, watch your face.
20:25That's what is called dignity.
20:30The dignity of consciousness against the dictates of our animalistic self.
20:43You have conquered something very important right now.
20:49And your face will be a testimony.
20:53You love your face.
20:56And that's what I call as beauty.
20:58That's the moment when one is actually beautiful.
21:02That's the moment of your glory.
21:06Not when you are all cool, composed, relaxed and have put a lot of makeup on.
21:15That made-up self is not beautiful.
21:21You are the most beautiful when there are scars on your face.
21:30When there are battle marks on your face.
21:33When your blood and sweat stand as proofs that you are a winner indeed.
21:48That's when you look so beautiful.
22:04All the makeup has been washed away by one's own sweat.
22:13Preferably blood.
22:19How about a DP like that?
22:24Will help you to lose a lot of garbage in your friend list.