Feeling lonely in a crowd is a struggle many face, even celebrities.
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MusicTranscript
00:00People listen. And my family was there. It was the first time.
00:15Welcome back. This is episode 2 of Celebrity Podcast with me... Actually I'm not saying it.
00:21How did you get into the music industry?
00:51Oh, wow, yo, okay. I'll try not to go on too far. This point in my life, I almost gave up. I didn't want to do it.
01:04I think at that time I was like, okay, cool, this was a fun side quest. It didn't mean anything.
01:15Reason being is because I joined, this was the era of people having rap freestyle competitions online, on Instagram.
01:25So there was this one rap competition, I'm not going to name it. They were looking for people who could rap over this beat or this jingle.
01:35I'm like, okay, got in and then we made it to top three. And then for the grand finale, they had us perform it live in front of a whole venue.
01:47I don't even think there were judges. It was just the founder and all the organizers and all that.
01:52So it was a finale and then we went there and I was nervous. But again, I think it's me not belonging anywhere because I came from social media.
02:06I didn't have my homeboys, a group of people. I didn't have my abangs who I could just refer to and look to and come up with a whole crew.
02:16You go to gigs, got the boys with them or the gang with them. That was something I was missing and it would have been nice to have that.
02:25But anyways, I went to this competition and I think each contestant had their own crew.
02:30And then performing it, I remember I practiced it 110%. I nailed it.
02:37And then the other two people, they literally forgot their lyrics and fumbled halfway.
02:42I felt like it was a, not to brag, but I felt like I think it was a clear cut winner.
02:49And then when they were announcing the winner, the host just said, okay, we're going to determine this by the loudest cheer.
02:59And then I was there alone. And every time I pulled up to a show, I brought a tripod.
03:05I would put it myself literally at the front of the stage and shamelessly record myself because nobody was there around me.
03:11I had friends, but I didn't think it was their thing or their scene.
03:16And I felt that shyness of, hey guys, come support me perform or whatever.
03:21So that was what happened. And I think at that moment, it crushed me because for once it was something that you were certain of that you deserved.
03:32And you felt like this should have been yours.
03:35I still remember after that show, the winner came up to me, gave me a hug and said, hey, congrats, great show.
03:44Honestly, you deserve this. And then it didn't make it any better because you're going to give me the prize, bro.
03:52But I respect it because it's not his fault. I think it was just the mechanics of anything.
03:57But I think that was where this whole thing into my head was spiraling.
04:03I was at a mama across the place. I was like, you know, at the end of the day, it's really just like people you know, who you know.
04:12And it's like talent doesn't matter. I think that's what I felt for the longest.
04:18I mean, not for the longest time. At that time, sorry, at that time, it's like you can be dope, but I guess people don't care.
04:27So what's the point, you know? And then I remember that night I was actually at the mamak with an era announcer, Napio Hatta, era Sarawak.
04:44But I remember Napio Hatta, he was there. He was at the event. He was there to support and everything because he was in KL.
04:53And he was sharing with us about this competition by Era, which is called Rapstar Era.
04:59And he was like, bro, you know, you just submit, just upload your video.
05:02And I was like, another video I have to upload. I take time and effort. And I felt like writing everything was a lot.
05:09You know, and I thought like, you know, people don't care about lyrics. People are just like about vibes, about the music and the beats, your attitude.
05:15You just got to do some dumb stuff online. And then people just like eat that, you know, eat all of it up.
05:23And then, you know, he was like, you know, you never know because Rezeki tak tahu kedatangan dimana.
05:29Rezeki tak salah alamat. And like, fine, whatever. I uploaded it. And then, sorry, getting to this competition is very long.
05:37But uploaded it and I was shortlisted. And then I didn't know it was going to be a different type of competition because it felt like a reality TV show.
05:46Because we were at the Astro office for two weeks consecutively every day.
05:51And we had to write fresh bars and perform it in front of industry people. And I'm like, yo, this is the biggest pressure.
05:58And I felt like I was, I think that was a scary moment in my life because even then I didn't have support of people that I knew.
06:08So I just did what I could. Long story short, made it to the finals and won. God bless, Alhamdulillah.
06:17But that was a mental challenge because I was like, people don't care. People don't care, you know.
06:26And the night before of the finale, I haven't said this in public, but like, that was when I broke up with my last relationship.
06:39I was going through a breakup. I think nobody really supported me. And it's just you versus you. It was a mental challenge alone.
06:50And it was scary. So the moment when they announced the winner at ERA, at Rapstar ERA, I was about to burst into tears.
07:02I think I hid it well. I was on stage and a confetti came out and I'm like, I was about to like, wow.
07:11It matters, you know, like people listen. My family was there. It was the first time.
07:20I think the first thing that surprised me was when I was performing, I didn't know they were coming.
07:27So when I got out of stage in the crowd, I saw my brother. He brought out a custom number plate sign with my name.
07:35And I thought that was the cutest thing because it was in pink and it was like my favorite color.
07:39And as much as I was going through a lot of stuff mentally, the first thought after they gave me the whatever took picture,
07:50after winning, I got down on the stage and I was like, I want to see my fam.
07:55I went there, I gave everybody the biggest hug. And I think that was a big validation because I was a guy who was, you know,
08:04wasn't sure what he wanted to do, what he wanted to become. And then suddenly dabbled into this thing called music.
08:10I didn't know if anybody, even my family took me seriously, but I think that was when I felt acknowledged that they saw what I was trying to do and they showed up.
08:23Yeah.
08:36All the time. All the time, Sean. Until now, I think the self-doubt.
08:47OK, you know, I don't want to say it's gone. Self-doubt, it exists. It's just like it decreases.
08:53I think support and acknowledgement from my family and with friends and newfound friends in this industry has helped a lot.
09:02So that gives me a bit more assurance. But I think now it is, I think, being certain with myself.
09:12Again, it is still a battle with myself because I do shoot myself in the foot sometimes thinking like, you know, I'm not really anybody big or that established enough compared to a lot of people.
09:26And then that's where I wish I could constantly visit and listen to my younger self, like, you know, everything else really doesn't matter.
09:36Like, you joined this without any expectations. You entered this because you wanted to resonate and relate to people that mattered to you.
09:45And I still do it. Sometimes I have this weird imposter syndrome, like in public, like people are like, hey, you're the guy who sang this song.
09:56Like, yeah, but that's it. Who am I, though? Like, you know, I think I understand when people meet like people they watch on TV or people they admire is like how I have that feeling to certain people as well.
10:12It's like, wow. But I wonder what they feel, because I feel like, you know, I just do what I do.
10:18I'm glad that you appreciate it. But I'm not like a god-like person, you know, you do dope stuff that I'm probably not good at as well. And I probably admire you for that, too.
10:30So, yeah, I don't know if I'm steering away from the question. What was the question again?
10:37But the question is, have you ever questioned whether this is the right path? And how do you overcome it?
10:44Yeah, so questioning myself about it, it helps when you be honest about it with other people.
10:55So when I got to know more people in the industry, doesn't matter if they are new, old, independent, signed. Everybody has the same story, surprisingly.
11:06And I think people don't talk about it enough. People are not honest enough because I think when you are a person in public, you kind of have this giant expectation or you feel like you have to put a facade that I'm good.
11:21Like this is what I'm fine with. But, you know, not a lot of people are comfortable with saying they have other jobs, they have side jobs.
11:29Like, you know, music, entertainment industry, let's be real, it's tough. The creative industry here is tough and it's totally fine.
11:37In fact, I respect people who are able to do multiple things. We're all hustling. So I always have my other side things that I do, too.
11:47And it's okay to talk about it. So when you do find people who are honest about it and who are open to talking about it, maybe that's your people.
11:53And in this second episode, if you watch the first one, I think this is where I started to collect even more of my infinity stones and see why people are brought into my life and how I should make use of it and appreciate them existing.
12:11Yeah, so that's how I cope with it, with that questioning myself.
12:19This is episode two with me, Ashav Naseh for Celebrity Podcast. There is one more, so please tune in to episode three.