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In this episode, we tackle listener questions on parenting, emotional health, and relationships. I reflect on the ethics of recording personal moments with my daughter Izzy, discuss the "cry it out" sleep training method and its emotional implications, and critique a listener's matchmaking experience that prioritized altering preferences over genuine connection.

We also explore the fine line in peer banter, the importance of moral clarity in dating after 50, and the challenge of discovering passions in one’s late 20s. Lastly, I address nurturing resilience in children facing adversity and the effects of early family dynamics on insecurity. This episode highlights the need for empathy and self-reflection in our interactions.

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Transcript
00:00All right, everybody, hope you're doing well. Thank you for your great questions at freedomain.locals.com and let's get straight into it.
00:09Would you consider posting a walk and talk with Izzy? It would be great to hear an example of a relaxed and murthy conversation with you and her.
00:16A walk and talk? Interesting. I mean, obviously, I'm not saying that you're suggesting this, but I wouldn't record her without her permission.
00:23So, it's interesting. It's a thought. It's a thought. It's just that if we're just having a walk and talk, then it probably will feel a bit odd if we were recording it for a show, but just talking amongst ourselves.
00:36And if it was not, and of course, I wouldn't do it surreptitiously, so I don't know that that's going to happen, but it's an interesting idea.
00:43Hi, Steph. Says this lady, a bit nervous with this one, but I've been sitting on it for a while.
00:50In a livestream, you mentioned that not responding to a crying baby is not healthy for that baby.
00:54You then provide the caveat that crying it out for sleeping is the exception to this rule and then gave an example about Izzy and her poor sleep and that it's okay to let a baby cry it out as the only exception to the rule and that Izzy is just fine and has no lasting health effects from it.
01:08I think this is a blind spot for you in a way that spanking is for many other people.
01:12The research on crying it out for babies says that there are several potentially concerning effects.
01:17One of them is increased cortisol, which we know can impact brain development, IQ, and emotional regulation.
01:23Another, arguably more important issue is its potential effects on attachment.
01:28There are two possible outcomes with crying it out.
01:30One, the baby learns that when I cry, sometimes mom and dad come to save me, or two, the baby learns that when I cry, no one comes to save me.
01:37Number one causes an anxious attachment and two causes an avoidant attachment or some combination of the two insecure attachment types.
01:47My issue with this is your narrative on it and not necessarily that you had to let Izzy cry it out.
01:51From the way it sounds, Izzy was not willing to sleep unless you applied the cry it out tactic with her.
01:56She needed sleep and that was more important than anything else and you took into account all of the variables and made the best choice for Izzy.
02:02My issue is actually your narrative on this as a whole as it relates to the wider audience.
02:06You say that letting a baby cry it out for sleep is the exception to the rule, but it isn't.
02:11It may be necessary for Izzy, but it definitely is not recommended as a whole.
02:15To me, it would be like your body having galactosemia, which is a genetic disorder that prevents the body from metabolizing galactose, the main sugar in milk,
02:25and because your baby is like this, you recommend all babies to not drink breast milk because your specific case warrants it not drinking breast milk.
02:34Further, the argument she is fine, she doesn't have any lasting effects from it, is the same argument the parents use when they've spanked.
02:41I'm wondering if you've rationalized this situation to yourself in a similar way.
02:44You don't know if it had negative effects or not, since you can't possibly have a control of Izzy without having had this happen.
02:51There is an attachment therapist. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks, this has brought up a love staff.
02:55No, I appreciate that. Listen, I mean, to say that I have a blind spot is to accuse me of being human, right?
03:02So, I'm more than happy to entertain this, to hear it and to get the pushback.
03:10Now, when I say you should respond to a baby's crying needs, except with cry it out, I'm not saying that all babies should cry it out.
03:20I'm not. So, my apologies if I was unclear. I'm sure that it was and I really do appreciate, of course, the clarification.
03:28So, just to be perfectly clear, it's better to not use the cry it out. It absolutely is better to not use the cry it out method.
03:40For me, it is a last resort situation. You want to avoid it as much as possible if there's any way to get your child to sleep or if it's not particularly bad.
03:55Let's say that your baby is just, you know, six months or eight months, it's just waking up once or twice a night, it's relatively easy to settle back down.
04:04We wouldn't have done it. My daughter was waking up every half an hour to 45 minutes.
04:09And this had been going on for, I don't know, seven months, eight months. My wife would remember better than I would.
04:19And the problem is, of course, that it actually becomes dangerous, right? Like, sleep deprivation is how you torture people, right?
04:28I mean, it is bad for the health, it is bad for the personality, it's bad for the mind or the brain.
04:35So, this was a situation of relative, I mean, it wasn't, you know, catastrophic, it wasn't like massively dangerous, but it was a fairly extreme scenario.
04:47It was a fairly extreme scenario. And my reasoning in particular was sort of like, well, we have to sleep.
04:54I mean, I don't know if you've ever gone seven plus months with very little sleep, but it's pretty desperately bad for you.
05:03And it was not great for driving. It was not great for just general reflexes.
05:09And it wasn't great for really richly and deeply enjoying as much your baby's company.
05:16So, yeah, I mean, I really do appreciate the clarification, and I sincerely, of course, apologize if I said this incorrectly.
05:24But if what you got from me was me saying all babies should try it out, then I'm very glad to have the opportunity to correct that, because that's not what I'm saying at all.
05:36We were an extreme case. And of course, we consulted with experts, we read books, we consulted with a doula, and we did just about everything that we could.
05:45But it was not good. I mean, and there was no signs of it stopping. Like, it was just not good. It was really unhealthy.
05:52And, you know, as far as stress goes, well, you know, repeatedly, like not getting much sleep at all, month after month after month, is pretty stressful for the mother.
06:03And then, of course, the mother's stress hormones can go as far as, I'm no doctor, but I think this is how it works.
06:08It goes into the breast milk, and so the baby's going to get cortisol one way or the other.
06:11It's just in the one situation, the baby's waking up a lot and getting cortisol from the breast milk.
06:16In another situation, it was relatively quick to get her to sleep, at least only wake up once during the night.
06:23So, I think, I personally think she got less stress this way, less stress hormones and so on.
06:29So, yeah, I mean, it was, you know, everyone has their challenges with kids.
06:34You know, when you, don't know if you're a mother or not, I'm sorry if you mentioned it, I missed it.
06:39But everyone has their issues with their kids.
06:41You know, some kids have health issues.
06:44Some kids have more extreme personality stuff.
06:46Some kids cry a lot.
06:48Some kids have colic.
06:49Some kids have allergies.
06:51Some kids have digestion problems.
06:53I mean, most people have some issue with their kids.
06:56And our issue happened to be that my daughter just wouldn't sleep.
07:00So, again, listen, never ever.
07:03I hope that this audience out there doesn't feel any hesitation in calling out a blind spot I have.
07:11I am a human being.
07:12I have confirmation bias.
07:13I have blind spots, just as everybody else does.
07:17So, I hope that if you see something that seems to be a blind spot, or you hear something that doesn't seem to make sense,
07:24or doesn't hang together, or is potentially open to misinterpretation, such as this.
07:29Yeah, I mean, please.
07:30I hope that we are all friendly enough and positive enough and affectionate enough that we can call each other out and know that it's a positive process.
07:39So, I really do appreciate that.
07:41I, looking back upon it, I don't, you know, one of the things that I read was if babies and toddlers have sleep problems,
07:51they track these kids into adulthood.
07:56And these babies who had sleep issues continue to have sleep disturbances and sleep issues until the end of the study when they were in college.
08:09So, I don't know if you've known someone with sleep issues with like insomnia or whatever.
08:16It's rough, man.
08:18It's a rough life.
08:19And it really, really does impact the quality of your life to have sleep issues.
08:24And now my daughter, of course, since she went through, I don't know, a week or two of sleep training.
08:29She slept through the night.
08:30She's had great sleep ever since.
08:32She has no issues going to sleep or staying asleep.
08:36And so, the idea that we would not have put her through a week or two, and then, like of that, and then,
08:43she ends up with sleep issues her whole life, which has a huge effect on your physical and mental health.
08:49Right?
08:50So, it's the old thing like, okay, it was a week or two of crying.
08:54And, of course, it was very tough.
08:57But compared to what, right?
08:59That's always my question, right?
09:01That the science seems to be pretty clear that if sleep issues aren't dealt with young, and you hope, of course, that they're going to outgrow it.
09:06You hope, of course, that they're just going to find their way to fall asleep.
09:10But she didn't.
09:11But she didn't.
09:13And, again, it was not great for physical and mental health.
09:17She was getting the stress through the breast milk anyway.
09:19And this week or two, which she can't even remember.
09:23And, again, I'm not saying it doesn't have an effect.
09:24Of course, it does.
09:26But I'm not sure.
09:29Like, certainly, the option of her continuing, and my wife and I continuing, to have bad sleep, like until now, and into the future, right?
09:39I think they took these kids to 21 or 22 years of age.
09:41And that's when the study ended.
09:43And they were still having sleep issues.
09:45So, it's like a week or two of crying, you know, 15 years ago, versus almost 16 years of sleep issues, which then would transmit to the whole family.
09:59I can't see the case.
10:03I genuinely think it was for the best.
10:06It is for the best.
10:07But, of course, if your kid's just having a little bit of trouble, or they're just a little fussy, or it's getting better.
10:15I mean, if it had been getting better, we would have let it happen, right?
10:18We would have let it tail off on its own.
10:20But it wasn't.
10:21It wasn't getting better.
10:23And, you know, they've done studies, right?
10:26If sleep deprivation is bad for the body, bad for the mind, bad for operating motor vehicles, bad for decision making, bad on just about every level.
10:34And can you be as good a parent if you're exhausted all the time?
10:37Well, no.
10:38So, I'm just telling you the thinking process.
10:41I'm not, of course, saying that it's for everyone.
10:44And it certainly was the last thing we wanted to do, except for it continuing, as the science seems to indicate.
10:51So, again, I'm certainly happy to have this discussion.
10:54I'm happy if better studies have come out.
10:57I think the book we read was Healthy Sleep, Have Its Happy Child, or something like that.
11:00And we consulted with a whole bunch of experts.
11:03I think at least three or four read a bunch of books.
11:05The one that we settled on was that.
11:07So, no.
11:08So, I mean, I'm certainly completely happy to have the discussion.
11:13And I don't look back with, I mean, I look back with regret that it had to be done.
11:18But I don't look back with regret that we did it.
11:20So, I hope that helps make sense.
11:22All right.
11:23Freedomain asking.
11:25But, again, thank you so much for the question.
11:26If someone was excited about an altcoin such as HBAR and wanted to make sure that you didn't miss out on a perceived opportunity, blah, blah, blah, what is HBAR?
11:37I don't know.
11:38Let's see.
11:38What is HBAR?
11:43Yeah, I don't know.
11:45I'm not really into altcoins.
11:47I don't.
11:48I don't.
11:49I mean, I dipped into Ethereum and the gas fees were beyond mental.
11:55So, I mean, I don't know if that's been resolved or whatever.
11:57But I don't really particularly care about altcoins.
12:01All right.
12:02Hi, Steph.
12:03I am currently working with a female matchmaker in my young adult Catholic community and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with her assessments.
12:12I...
12:13A female matchmaker.
12:14Okay.
12:15I tell her I want to be a traditional Catholic man, provider, protector, etc., and I'm looking for a traditional Catholic woman, help make a family focus, etc.
12:22However, her assessments all spiral off into her passively trying to convince me to be open to dating career women.
12:27She is one herself.
12:28Citing that my directness and highly animated manner of speaking, I'm Italian, Italiano, may be putting these women off when I describe what I'm looking for.
12:38Wait, an Italian Catholic, whatever next.
12:40It feels like we're going in circles as I consistently reassert that I don't want a career woman.
12:45So why would I change my personality to attract a woman I don't want?
12:48Here's an example of one exchange.
12:50Quote, I want to be able to earn enough money that my future wife never feels like she has to work outside the home to help the family.
12:56That way she can focus on being with her kids.
12:59Yeah, but most women who have careers aren't doing it because they feel like they have to.
13:03They just have a passion for what they do.
13:05Okay.
13:06But I'm not looking for most women.
13:08The future wife in my scenario is one woman who I would already have vetted as not wanting a career.
13:14He goes on to say, mind you, this woman is a friend of mine who seems to think very highly of me and provides this service for free.
13:21I do not believe there is malicious intent.
13:24So I want to be even-tempered in my criticism of her.
13:27But I just want to tell her flat out that I don't feel like she's being a matchmaker trying to find me someone compatible with my existing personality.
13:33It feels like she's trying to mold me into being compatible with her female client's lifestyle preferences.
13:37I'd like to remain in her good graces as she's part of the same events network that I tend to meet young Catholic women and perhaps could help be a wing woman.
13:45What is a good metric to determine if I should stick with her services?
13:48And if not, how do I graciously break off this arrangement?
13:51And I realize I'm essentially asking how do I reject a woman without offending her?
13:56So she's not good at matchmaking.
13:59She's not good at matchmaking.
14:01I'm pretty confident of that.
14:03Right? Because if you're matchmaking, then you're providing a service.
14:07And if you're saying I want a woman who wants to stay home and she says, no, you want a career woman or a career woman is best, then she's just bad at it.
14:18Now, she could say there are no traditional women left.
14:23There are no homemakers.
14:24You're going to have to deal with a career woman because there's nobody else.
14:29Okay, that's fine.
14:31So if you go to a car dealership and you say, I'm looking for a car for my wife and our six kids, then you're going to get some long ass short bus minivan.
14:45Right?
14:46Now, if he says, now what you really want is a sports car, a two seater.
14:51Right?
14:52Then that's being a bad salesman because you have like this.
14:55Here's what I want.
14:56Right? If you go to a real estate agent and you say, I want a three bedroom house on at least an acre.
15:01And she says, no, no, no.
15:02What you really want is a condo.
15:04That's really all that's out there.
15:05It's like, okay, well, if you've just gone to a condo specialist, she shouldn't try to change your preference into buying a condo.
15:13She should say, look, I'm a condo specialist.
15:15I only deal with condos.
15:16If you want a three bedroom house on at least an acre, then you need to deal with somebody else.
15:22Right?
15:22Because all I deal with the condos.
15:24So this just bad.
15:25It's just, she's just bad at what she does.
15:27And she's trying to get you to change rather than doing a good job selling what it is that you want to buy.
15:36Now, the other thing too, is it really is a question of age.
15:39Right?
15:41I don't think, you know, you don't say how old you are.
15:43So let me just have a look.
15:45Does the picture help at all?
15:47Let's see.
15:48No, sword in health does not help in particular.
15:53So, I don't know how old you are.
15:56Now, if you're older, then you have a problem.
16:00If you're older, you have a problem.
16:03And the problem is this.
16:05Let's say that you're 35.
16:07Well, if you want a woman, roughly your own age, most likely you're going to get a career woman.
16:12Because the woman's been an adult for 17 years.
16:16Or 12 years if she's 30 or something like that.
16:18And what will she have done?
16:20Well, she's, if you want an intelligent woman, she's probably, if she's still single, she probably is a career woman.
16:27Right?
16:27So it might be that you have just left things too late.
16:32Right?
16:33Possible.
16:33Right?
16:34Don't know for sure.
16:35Possible that you might have left things too late.
16:38So, that is a big challenge.
16:42Right?
16:43That is a big, that is a big challenge.
16:46So if you're older and you want an intelligent woman, how many intelligent women are 35 and single and not career women?
16:57Right?
16:58And maybe she hasn't really helped you out with this.
17:02So, so then I will help you out with this.
17:05And I'm just going to go and check this guy because he's got a channel.
17:12Let me just see here.
17:14Oh, sorry.
17:14That's the other guy.
17:17All right.
17:18Let's go here.
17:20What's he got?
17:22Okay.
17:22It doesn't, yeah, he doesn't have his face here.
17:25Right?
17:26Oh, look at you.
17:27Wise guy.
17:29Not putting your, your channel up.
17:32Makes good sense.
17:33Makes good sense.
17:35Okay.
17:35So if you're older, then you're in the wrong timeframe to get a traditional woman, unless you want to go super younger.
17:41Right?
17:42And I don't know.
17:43Older women will have a tough time with the age gap.
17:46Now it could also be, right?
17:47It could also be that she's flirting with you.
17:50Right?
17:50That's certainly a possibility.
17:52So it could be that, I don't know if she's married or not, but it could be that she's interested in you.
17:56And therefore she's trying to reorient you to being into career women because she's a career woman.
18:04So, and of course, if you are older and I'm talking sort of, I don't know, late twenties,
18:11maybe mid to late twenties, 27 plus.
18:14If you're 27 plus and you're looking for a traditional woman, the question is why weren't
18:18you a traditional man and married a traditional woman out of high school or at least out of college?
18:23So if you've taken a non-traditional route, which is to be single into your late twenties or into
18:27your thirties or older, then if you've taken a non-traditional route, it seems a bit precious to
18:32be frank for you to demand that a woman be traditional.
18:37So, but it could be interesting.
18:39Call and show might be interesting.
18:40Freedomin.com slash call.
18:42Hit me up.
18:43Ed says, hi Steph, what is your philosophical take on banter and the line in which it moves
18:48from healthy joking and becomes more like semi-verbal abuse and criticism than jokes among
18:52friends?
18:52I don't have many friends and acquaintances in my life that engage in lots of banter,
18:57but there are a few in my golf group and I find that some of the banter is aimed at the
19:00success I've had in my life and it seems like a way of trying to belittle me and I think it's
19:05representative of how they really feel about it.
19:07I have a good sense of humor, but I find myself getting frustrated and angry at the constant
19:11BS banter.
19:12I brought it up recently with one of them who passed it off as nonsense and just a bit of
19:17fun, but my gut is telling me otherwise any advice would be appreciated.
19:20Well, the man who can succeed significantly without changing his social circle is a man
19:27yet to be invented.
19:29So, if you've become very successful, people are going to resent it and they won't just
19:35resent it for themselves, they'll resent it because their wife will look at you as more
19:40successful and their kids will look at you as more successful.
19:43And of course, if you are, as I have been, the damned fool to try to help other people
19:52be successful, well, that's going to rouse the biggest resentment of all.
19:58So, let's say you told people, hey, you should buy some whatever, a Bitcoin or something
20:02like that, right?
20:02If you said that and they didn't listen, well, there's going to be a resentment and they're
20:08going to get upset with you, right?
20:10They can't generally get upset with themselves, so they're probably going to get upset with
20:15you, right?
20:16And that's really tough.
20:18How do you succeed, right?
20:21There was an old Friends episode that was actually fairly good about this where, you
20:24know, half of the Friends had dead-end jobs with no income and the other half of the Friends
20:28had jobs with good income and they kept wanting to socialize, but the people with good income
20:33could spend lots of money and the people who were, you know, struggling actors and masseuses
20:38and temps, they couldn't afford it, right?
20:41So, what do you do?
20:43What do you do?
20:43If you make a lot of money and your best friend is broke, what do you do?
20:49What do you do?
20:50I mean, you're living in some nice place and you go over to his crappy rent-controlled
20:55one-bedroom smelly apartment with cockroaches, it's kind of sad, isn't it?
21:00If you want to, I don't know, jet off to someplace cool for the weekend because you can and your
21:07friend can barely afford bus fare, like, what do you do?
21:10What do you do?
21:12What does Andrew Tate call them?
21:13The brookies?
21:14Brookies.
21:15What do you do?
21:16Now, listen, of course, just to be clear, right?
21:19I'm absolutely not saying that money is the measure of a man, right?
21:22Plenty of broke guys are working on really cool stuff, you know, they're writing books,
21:27they're learning how to paint or they're working on a great screenplay or they've taken a dip
21:33in income, like I quit my corporate career job in order to spend a year and a half and
21:38I wrote The God of Atheists, I took Canada's best writing course, I wrote almost sort of
21:44a three-book series on the first of the Second World War, which you should check out these
21:47books at freedomain.com books.
21:50So I was broke, you know, I had no income.
21:54In fact, I was spending a lot of money on courses and all of that.
21:58So I'm not saying that money is the measure and I don't particularly care if somebody's
22:02broke, but they have to be working on something cool, right?
22:05They have to be doing something that's not pathetic.
22:09And particularly smart guys who aren't working on anything cool and aren't making any money,
22:20I mean, that's just a waste.
22:22That's just a waste of the biggest gift.
22:23It's one thing to get a human brain, it's another thing to get a top one percenter,
22:27like holy crap, what an ultimate gift that is from the universe.
22:30You didn't earn that, I didn't earn that, right?
22:32So what do you have in common?
22:35And it's sort of like the problem when you get married and you've got your single friends
22:39and then you have a kid and you have your single friends or your friends who are married
22:42without kids, you just end up with less and less in common.
22:46And listen, it is a mark of progress to have less and less in common with failures.
22:52And so, you know, what are you gonna do?
22:54So I think it's one thing to take yourself with a grain of salt and to have a good sense
23:00of humor about yourself.
23:01I think that's great.
23:03But the humor should be predicated on affection.
23:06This passive-aggressive sniping and snipping at people is just a form of sabotage and it's
23:12a way to try and undermine you and drag you down.
23:15And we have an instinct about this.
23:18We have an instinct about this.
23:22So when my wife goes somewhere, I'll stand at the door of the house when she's coming
23:28home and just glare at her, you know, and it's sort of my way of joking about,
23:33I'm resenting that she's been away for an hour at the grocery store or something like
23:37that, right?
23:38And so, you know, that sort of neediness, that clinginess, it's kind of a running joke.
23:41Now, of course, it's with great affection.
23:43She loves me.
23:45I love her.
23:46And so we joke about this, you know, where are you going?
23:49That kind of clingy stuff.
23:51But it's all in great affection, right?
23:54When my daughter was, this is in the premium section, my daughter's last Q&A, she was
24:00making fun of me, you know, how would your father handle a zombie attack, right?
24:05And she was very funny.
24:08And it's with great affection.
24:10You know, we love spending time together.
24:12We go for walks every day.
24:14We chat all the time.
24:15And so if there's a general flow of affection and then there's making fun of stuff, you
24:22have to agree that it's funny, right?
24:24That's the big thing.
24:27You have to agree that it's funny.
24:29Now, it's one of the laziest things in the known universe to mock someone, they don't
24:33find it funny, and then to blame them for having no sense of humor, right?
24:36That's a really sad thing.
24:38That's really sad.
24:39And that's wrong.
24:40If you're making fun of someone, they have to enjoy the joke, right?
24:46They have to be in and enjoy and be part of the joke.
24:49And they have to approve the joke.
24:51So when my daughter mocks my coffee addiction, yes, I drink coffee.
24:56And I like coffee a lot.
24:59And I have, I'm trying to think, more microphones or coffee makers?
25:03But anyway, I've tried a few.
25:05Or, you know, if I have, I have accumulated computers over the years and stuff.
25:10So these are funny things, right?
25:11They're funny.
25:12I've always hated, this is a dad thing, I've always hated when people leave lights on.
25:17So, you know, if we're going around Christmas, we were walking around the other day, and
25:22my daughter said, well, there's a house after your own heart.
25:24And it was one of these visible from orbit, glow houses of infinite Christmas pageantry,
25:29and so on, right?
25:30So she's, so, but I think it's funny.
25:32So if you're enjoying the joke, great.
25:35If you're not enjoying the joke, if you find it a little harsh and cold, then people should
25:41recognize that and respond accordingly, right?
25:45I mean, that's being sensitive and thoughtful.
25:49So if I made a joke, I can't remember if this has happened.
25:53But if I did make a joke, and the person did not appreciate it, I would just immediately
25:58apologize and say, sorry, that was obviously that was not funny.
26:02And you didn't enjoy that.
26:03And I'm really sorry about that.
26:04Right?
26:05So you start with little jokes, you see if the person enjoys it and likes it and so on,
26:09right?
26:10And then it can be a grounding and humbling thing in a good way, not humiliating, but
26:16humbling.
26:16Right?
26:17So, so that's what I would say.
26:20If they don't notice that you're not enjoying the jokes, then it's coming from a place of
26:24coldness and probably sabotage and envy and fallacy and so on.
26:29And listen, I mean, everybody wants success.
26:31And everyone forgets that you got to shed a lot of people on the way.
26:34You got to shed a lot of people on the way.
26:37All right.
26:38Any, any advice for men dating after 50?
26:42Women of a commensurate age group may already have children.
26:45Maybe they are divorced and received a settlement in alimony.
26:48So they already have resources as well.
26:50How would you then provide value to these women when they perhaps already have a community
26:54of friends, children and their own money?
26:57Really?
26:57You're asking me this?
26:58I've written an entire book on love is our involuntary response to virtue if we're virtuous.
27:04So we fall in love with those who augment, enhance, intensify and increase our virtue.
27:09And we do the same for them.
27:11I'm a better person for having my wife and daughter in my life.
27:16They are better people for having me in their lives.
27:18And so what you want to bring is not money, right?
27:21As you say, and they're too old to have kids.
27:25So what you bring is moral clarity and virtue.
27:29All right.
27:30How to find your passion slash talents in your late 20s?
27:33I want to learn new skills, but I don't know which direction I have to go.
27:36I want to be an entrepreneur later in life, but I don't know in which field.
27:40The hell do you mean later in life?
27:42You're in your late 20s.
27:44You've been an adult more than a decade.
27:46You mean later in life?
27:48Yeah, I have a big, this has nothing to do with you.
27:51And this is nothing negative towards you.
27:53I'm just saying that I have a problem with these kinds of conversations.
27:58I have a problem.
27:59So the people who are like, I don't know, I'm almost in my fourth decade.
28:06And I don't know what I want to do with my life, right?
28:09I don't get involved in those conversations as a whole.
28:11And if you want to do a call, and I just said I wouldn't.
28:14But if you want to do a call, then we can chat more about this.
28:16But let me tell you my experience.
28:18It's just an invitation into a yes, but quagmire.
28:21And I would have suspected that's your issue.
28:24I don't know what I want to do with my life.
28:25Well, you know, you've always liked painting.
28:27Why don't you try painting as hobby?
28:29Yeah, but there's AI and there's art galleries.
28:32You have to know people and blah, blah, blah.
28:34Like I had a friend who didn't know what he wanted to do with his life.
28:36He was really into martial arts.
28:39And I said, well, you should open a dojo.
28:41And he's like, well, yeah, but there's insurance requirements, licenses.
28:45There's a massive permits.
28:47And it's like, well, yeah, I get that.
28:50But still, there are dojos.
28:51Right.
28:52So why don't you do that?
28:53Right.
28:54So that kind of stuff, I don't get involved.
28:58So it's usually an invitation to paralysis.
29:01So you feel paralyzed.
29:02So you complain that you don't know what you want to do with your life.
29:05Other people come in and try and help you.
29:07And you just spread that paralysis to other people by rejecting all of their solutions.
29:12If you don't know what you want to do with your life, no one else can tell you.
29:17No one else, not man, god, devil or wood elf can tell you what the hell you want to do with your
29:24life.
29:25Now, my question is, why don't you know what you want to do with your life?
29:29Now, my suspicion is that you grew up in a hormone-less dead spleen household.
29:37So a dead spleen household, spleen is like your piss and your vinegar and your fights
29:41and your passions and the good and bad and all of that, right?
29:44All of the good and bad of having some significant passion.
29:47So I've been bashing away at philosophy since my mid-teens.
29:51Before that, I wrote a novel.
29:52Before that, I wrote short stories.
29:54And I painted a lot.
29:56And I dragged home an entire wooden door from a wrecked building to paint on.
30:02And then I did chalk stuff.
30:03And I did little animations by flicking the corners of books.
30:08And I did dioramas.
30:10I've just always been kind of restless and creative that way, sort of make things and
30:14create things.
30:15And that was encouraged to some degree in my household.
30:19My mom put up with me dragging a door home to make a giant painting and all that.
30:24So I would guess, though, that you came up in a dead spleen household, a place without
30:30any piss and vinegar, a place without any particular ambition, a place of being the
30:36little mammals at the feet of dinosaurs, right?
30:38Don't raise a fuss.
30:38Don't make a wave.
30:40Don't get noticed.
30:40Don't anything like that.
30:42So my guess is that you grew up in that kind of environment.
30:46And you don't have a model of being passionate about things and wanting to do stuff.
30:51I mean, my daughter's been passionate about, I don't know, five or seven things, like
30:55majorly, since she was born.
30:57And it's like, yeah, let's do it.
30:58Let's go.
30:59Let's explore it.
30:59Let's figure it out, right?
31:00You want ducks?
31:01Okay, let's figure out how to get ducks.
31:02You want some chickens?
31:03Let's figure out how to get chickens, right?
31:05You want to animate?
31:06Let's figure out.
31:07Well, she actually, she figured out all the animation stuff and took no advice from me.
31:11And so, you know, you want to write a script and make a movie?
31:14Then write a script and make a movie.
31:15Like, just do it, right?
31:16And I would love to consume her stuff and all of that.
31:19She made a great dungeon for Dungeons and Dragons and we played it and we played through
31:23it with some friends and it was great, right?
31:25So I'm keen.
31:26Like, she wants to do this, right?
31:29Now she's taking up singing.
31:31She's in a musical.
31:32It's great.
31:33You know, fantastic.
31:34Like, go for it.
31:35Absolutely.
31:35If you want lessons, great.
31:36If you don't, that's fine too.
31:39So, if you grew up in a place where people had no spleen, no piss and vinegar, no fire,
31:46no restlessness, no, right?
31:49Then you just might have grown up in a dead spleen household.
31:52Or, you know, to be harsher, a dead souls, like Google style, a dead souls household,
31:57a place without any ambition.
31:58And so, you don't know what you want to do and you've got kind of the weight of your
32:01parents' dead souls and indifference around your neck and so on.
32:04And I don't get involved in particular in conversations with people who don't know
32:10what they want to do, because no one can tell you.
32:13And it's not going to work anyway, because somebody else is like, you should try this.
32:16And you're like, yeah, okay.
32:17And then you just don't do it, right?
32:19And then you get back to being bored and restless and frustrated and inert.
32:23And then you're like, oh man, I gotta figure out what to do.
32:25And people are like, oh, you should try this.
32:26Yeah, okay.
32:27And then you don't do it.
32:28Like, it's just a waste of time, right?
32:30So, if you want to do a call-in, we can figure out why you don't know what you want to
32:34do.
32:35But how can I possibly tell you what you want to do with your life?
32:39I can't tell you that.
32:40Nobody can tell you that.
32:41That.
32:42And it's not even something you have to figure out for yourself.
32:44It just needs to be facilitated.
32:46You don't find your passions or talents, right?
32:49Like, I loved reading books, so I started writing books, right?
32:52I loved reading philosophy, so I started coming up with philosophy.
32:54So, anyway.
32:56Somebody says, I listened to the most recent Izzy show, where she detailed her adverse
33:00job experiences.
33:02I felt that my first impulse would have been to jump to my child's defense and push back
33:05on the injustice they were experiencing.
33:07Did you intercede at all in that situation, or just listen, provide advice, and let her
33:10handle it to promote experience and independence?
33:12That's a great question.
33:14And no, I would not.
33:16If I were to, I don't know, call up someone she was working with and say, this is wrong
33:22or this isn't, then what I'm doing is I'm saying that she can't handle it herself.
33:26And she can.
33:27And she has.
33:29So, I mean, obviously, advice is, you know, but it's like if you, I mean, just show a
33:34kid how to ride a bike, and then they got to ride the bike.
33:36There's no point riding the bike for them and thinking you're teaching them how to
33:38ride a bike.
33:39So, we've worked quite a bit with the conflict resolution and assertiveness and all that
33:44kind of stuff.
33:45And she does a great job.
33:48And, you know, she's learning, as we all have to.
33:51It's a sad and bitter lesson in the world that is this fallen state, right?
33:55But she is learning, as we all have to, that standing up for what's right comes at the
34:04price of enmity with the petty people, right?
34:08Success comes at the price of enmity with failures.
34:12Beauty comes at the price of enmity of the ugly, both spiritually and physically.
34:17And virtue comes at the price of the enmity with the petty and so on, right?
34:22So, that's the lesson.
34:24It's better for her to learn sooner rather than later, though not too soon.
34:28And it is just a way that she's going to have to learn how to mediate the virtue.
34:33It's very easy for the world to overdo on virtue and then they try to kill you, right?
34:37So, obviously, I'm talking as an analogy and nothing to do with her life as it stands.
34:43But, yeah, the truth is not a sword to be drawn at all costs, right?
34:48So, we have those conversations.
34:50But I'm immensely proud of everything she's done.
34:54I intensely admire her for the stance that she takes and the courage that she has.
34:59And I'm really humbled by how passionate and devoted she is to doing the right thing and
35:06making sure that her friends are treated well and that the right thing is done.
35:11And it's really a beautiful and wonderful thing to see.
35:14All right.
35:15I'm extremely, somebody says, I'm extremely needy and clingy around women.
35:18My ex says I followed her around like a lost puppy.
35:21I'm stuck in a vicious feedback loop where my neediness causes constant rejection.
35:25And the constant rejection causes neediness.
35:27Do you have any advice?
35:28Do not be this way.
35:30So, needy and clingy around women is you are trying to get your girlfriend to breastfeed you.
35:37And that won't work.
35:40It'll never work.
35:41In fact, it will do the opposite.
35:43So, you had, I assume, a cold, distant and rejecting mother.
35:46They used to call them refrigerator moms.
35:48So, you have a cold, selfish and rejecting mother.
35:51So, you were anxious around her and constantly needed to be reassured that she was on your side,
36:00that she was bonded with you, that she cared about you.
36:03So, you felt that the bond was uncertain.
36:06And so, you had to constantly reassure yourself that you were cared for because kids can only
36:13really relax when they feel cared for and with a strong bond with their parents.
36:17So, you needed constant reassurance from your mother that she wasn't going to abandon you or
36:20leave you behind or not care about you or not feed you or something like that, right?
36:24And that's my guest, right?
36:25Freedomain.com slash call.
36:27If you want to talk about this further, of course, you'd absolutely be welcome to.
36:30So, what happens is you can't ask adult strangers to repair what was broken by bad parents.
36:40Right?
36:41That's what I mean.
36:41You're asking your girlfriend to breastfeed you.
36:44And that's kind of gross.
36:46I mean, I'd be frank with you, right?
36:47And it's not like I've never done these things, right?
36:50I'm not talking about the breastfeeding, but, you know, tried to get people who were adults
36:53to fix that, which my mother and father broke, but it won't work, right?
36:59There are only two people who can fix what broke you.
37:03The people who broke you and you.
37:06That's it.
37:07Nobody else.
37:09There are only two people who can fix what broke you.
37:11The people who broke you and yourself.
37:13Now, you can go to therapy and you can get advice, but it still has to be you fundamentally,
37:18right?
37:19So, if people were harsh and cold to you when you were younger, then what you need is safety.
37:28Now, if the people who were cold and harsh to you when you were younger find a way to
37:32Grinch-style grow their hearts three times and have all of this wonderful stuff happen
37:37and be better and nicer and so on, then maybe there's some help there.
37:42Maybe there's some ease there.
37:43Generally, I wouldn't look for it though.
37:45People who are cold when you were young aren't going to be warm when you're older.
37:49Hearts don't grow three sizes.
37:51That's a fantasy.
37:52Generally, selfishness does not give way to empathy and so on, right?
37:56And the only way, in my opinion, the only way you'll know that someone is going from
38:02selfishness to empathy is if they become incredibly destabilized and possibly suicidal.
38:08To go from selfish to empathy is such a journey and you have to recognize how many people
38:12you've hurt, how much wrong you've done, how many children's hearts you've wrecked
38:17and smashed and how cold you've been and like it's brutal, particularly when you get older,
38:22right?
38:22Like if you're 20 and your mom's and your dad like in their mid to late 40s or something
38:26like that, if they suddenly go or they are on a journey from selfishness to empathy,
38:33from coldness to kindness, from narcissism to focusing on others, then they have to
38:42confront their own childhoods.
38:43They have to confront the wrong that they've done.
38:46The big barrier to empathy are the wounds inflicted by being selfish because then you
38:53have to see all the wounds that you inflicted.
38:55Like, you know, there are all of these stories of like the dead coming back to life and hunting
39:01and haunting the living.
39:02Well, that I assume is written by people who are at least contemplating the process
39:07from selfishness to empathy.
39:10So if you woke up, let's take a horror scenario so you understand this deeply, right?
39:15So if you woke up tomorrow and the police knocked at your door and they said, we're
39:21arresting you for the murders of 15 people and you'd be like, what?
39:25No, I...
39:26And it turned out that you had some other personality that had killed people, right?
39:32Some second self, some...
39:33Maybe you did it while you were sleepwalking or something like that, right?
39:36And you'd been this nighttime serial killer with no particular memory of it.
39:41That would be unbelievably destabilizing and horrifying for you, right?
39:46And so you wouldn't want that, right?
39:49Because, you know, your self-image is you're a nice guy.
39:51You don't hurt people.
39:52You certainly don't kill people.
39:54And so you wouldn't believe it fundamentally.
39:56Or if it did happen, you'd say, well, that wasn't me.
39:58I have no responsibility for that because I didn't even know about it.
40:02I didn't even know I had this second personality, blah, blah, blah, right?
40:06So that's what it's like going from selfishness to empathy.
40:10You realize that you've committed crimes against the innocent, that you've exploited
40:13people, that you've damaged people, that you've hurt people, that you've stolen from
40:17people, maybe not like being a thief or something like that, but you've been nasty.
40:22And that arises within you and you really see that within yourself.
40:27And that's unbelievably unpleasant.
40:29It's incredibly destabilizing.
40:30I mean, imagine what it would do to your personality to find out that you had a second
40:36Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde personality structure that did great harm.
40:40Maybe it wasn't a serial killer, but maybe you just beat up children or whatever it is.
40:45You hit children or, you know, whatever, right?
40:48Like you just did horrible things.
40:50I mean, how would it be for you to find out you had a second personality that did truly
40:55horrible things?
40:56It would be incredibly unpleasant and you would resist that like crazy and you would
41:00demand incontrovertible proof.
41:02Now imagine that there was no incontrovertible proof, right?
41:06Maybe somebody just said, yeah, I saw you doing bad things 20 years ago, right?
41:12And you'd say, I don't have any memory of doing bad things 20 years ago.
41:15What are you talking about?
41:16No, no, no, I really, I remember you doing bad things 20 years ago.
41:20Right?
41:20And you'd say, well, show me your proof.
41:22What proof do you have?
41:24Well, no, no, nothing.
41:25I don't have any proof, but I'm pretty sure, right?
41:27You wouldn't believe them, right?
41:29Right.
41:29I saw you stabbing a homeless guy 20 years ago.
41:32You'd be like, I never stabbed a homeless guy 20 years ago.
41:33Come on, man.
41:34It'd be ridiculous, right?
41:35You wouldn't believe them.
41:36You wouldn't sit there and say, oh my gosh, maybe they did.
41:37So this is what a lot of parents do when their kids come to them with complaints.
41:40The parents, the kids are saying you did terrible, mean things 20 years ago, whatever.
41:44And they're like, I don't remember.
41:45Like it's gone and they won't believe it.
41:48They will view you as insulting them, not them as having wronged you.
41:53So what I'm saying is that there are only two people who can heal what hurt you,
41:59the people who hurt you and yourself.
42:03And you'll know if the people who hurt you are capable of helping you,
42:06they've gone through unbelievable psychological agony for years and possibly even been suicidal.
42:13If they haven't done any of that, they're not going to help you because it's a brutal thing.
42:17Confronting past crimes, digging up the bodies, exhuming them,
42:20driving to the cops, confessing, so to speak.
42:22That's a brutal process.
42:24It's a brutal, horrifying process.
42:25I mean, it's tough enough to deal with trauma when you're the victim.
42:29Dealing with evil when you're the perpetrator, oof, like I can't imagine.
42:36So you can't screw your way into dealing with trauma.
42:43But what happens is, of course,
42:45because you had an insecure attachment to your mother and you constantly needed reassurance
42:48and you constantly felt like she was going to leave you,
42:51then what you do is you do that to your girlfriends and then they leave you.
42:55It's a fine in the box.
42:57I don't matter.
42:58I'm going to get left.
42:59Nobody's going to pair a bond with me.
43:00Nobody's really going to care for me.
43:02So you recreate that.
43:03You understand, right?
43:05So all of this, all mental unease and dysfunction
43:12is around the avoidance of legitimate suffering.
43:15If you avoid legitimate suffering, you go or stay kind of crazy, in my opinion.
43:21So you are avoiding dealing with a cold-hearted mother
43:27by trying to manipulate women, adult women, into fixing what mommy broke.
43:35Which is why you had a girlfriend who showed no empathy for you
43:39and insulted the hell out of you by saying,
43:40will you just follow me around like a little puppy dog?
43:43That's emasculating.
43:44That's diminishing.
43:45That's not showing any kindness or empathy or curiosity with you.
43:49What's going on?
43:49Why do you think you're so insecure?
43:51What happened in your childhood?
43:53Just basic care and concern questions.
43:57Instead, she just insulted you, basically called you pathetic and a puppy dog
44:00and all kinds of terrible things.
44:03So that's why you end up with someone like that.
44:06And until you break that cycle, you'll be constantly demanding
44:10adult women fix what mommy broke,
44:13for which they either have self-knowledge and empathy for you,
44:16or they're just going to end up treating you
44:18with the same contemptuous distance that your mother did.
44:21And I would really like for you to not go through that.
44:24So I hope that helps.
44:25I really do appreciate everyone's questions, comments.
44:28Love you guys to death.
44:29Thank you for this opportunity to speak about your lives
44:32and hopefully provide some value and lots of love from up here.
44:36Freedoman.com.
44:37Saturday night.
44:38Take care, my friends.
44:39Bye-bye.