In this lecture, Stefan Molyneux addresses the transition to fatherhood, highlighting the shift in focus from personal happiness to mutual and child-centered joy. He explains the selfless nature of parenting, emphasizing that the true fulfillment comes from nurturing a child's happiness. Molyneux shares personal experiences illustrating how parenting deepens relationships and enriches everyday moments. He stresses the importance of supporting the child's mother and acknowledges the challenges of early motherhood, urging fathers to be strong pillars for their families. The lecture concludes with Molyneux's key advice for new fathers: embrace family life and move beyond self-centeredness for a fulfilling, regret-free existence.
GET MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING', THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI, AND AUDIOBOOK!
https://peacefulparenting.com/
Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!
Also get the Truth About the French Revolution, multiple interactive multi-lingual philosophy AIs trained on thousands of hours of my material, as well as targeted AIs for Real-Time Relationships, BitCoin, Peaceful Parenting, and Call-Ins. Don't miss the private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!
See you soon!
https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022
GET MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING', THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI, AND AUDIOBOOK!
https://peacefulparenting.com/
Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!
Also get the Truth About the French Revolution, multiple interactive multi-lingual philosophy AIs trained on thousands of hours of my material, as well as targeted AIs for Real-Time Relationships, BitCoin, Peaceful Parenting, and Call-Ins. Don't miss the private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!
See you soon!
https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00Hey, there's Stefan Molyneux from the free domain got a question from a wise listener
00:06Who asked what is your advice to a new father?
00:10father
00:12Pater familias well with a couple of thoughts that I had it's a great question
00:17so
00:19It's a strange thing. I don't really get the mechanics
00:23So I'm just gonna tell you how it works and maybe you all can figure it out in a way that I can't
00:28It's a strange mechanic, but
00:31when you're single you mostly focus on what makes you happy like your own pleasures your own preferences and so on when you
00:40become a husband you focus on your wife's pleasures she focuses on your pleasures and
00:47it's great right you have someone in your corner so on watching your back and
00:51And
00:53That makes you happier right you you're happier to focus on
00:57someone else's pleasures
00:59rather than just pretty much focus on your own and I suppose a sort of
01:06somewhat coarse but fairly vivid
01:08Example of this would be sexuality right if you have a sexual partner, and you only focus on your own pleasure
01:15That's selfish, and it doesn't actually it's not I mean
01:19it's not really that much fun in the long run because you get happiness from your partner's pleasure and
01:25If you focus solely on your own pleasure, then you probably won't have a sexual partner for very long
01:32It's kind of like in business if you focus only on what you want
01:37Then you're not going to be very good in business if you focus on what the customer wants on what's good for the customer
01:43then serving the customer serves
01:45your own needs right in
01:48Productive educational situations if you focus on only only on what you like to teach
01:54Then you're not a very good teacher if you focus on what the students want to learn and how they best learn
02:02You are going to end up more productive
02:04so a sort of single circle where it's just your pleasure is not particularly satisfying in the long run if
02:12you have overlapping circles of you and
02:18Your wife then that's better
02:21But there's a funny thing that happens
02:23When you have a child in that a baby right just talk about the baby part when you have a baby
02:31then what happens is
02:33You focus on the baby's pleasure and the baby
02:38Doesn't focus on your pleasure
02:40so
02:42You go in a sense from being single kind of selfish and that's not a judgment
02:47I'm just sort of pointing it out when you're single you focus mostly on your own pleasures
02:51You're kind of self-absorbed. I
02:54Don't know what the good word is
02:57for a marital
02:59Relationship you're not selfish anymore
03:02Because you're focusing on your partners happens. It's shared self probably shared self right so you go from being selfish to shared self
03:09You share that which is beneficial with your partner
03:11They share that which is beneficial with you, and you work to
03:14Increase each other's happiness through deep knowledge of the other and you end up
03:18You know happiness is important because the division of labor stuff also occurs with happiness right if you're responsible for
03:26Making your own paint from scratch. That's going to be a lot of work
03:29But if you sort of outsource like you're good at something and the guy who makes paint is good at something so you exchange Bitcoin
03:36For that and so that's a division of labor, and you end up much better off
03:41It's the same thing with happiness you think that you know what's going to make you happy
03:45But you if you get married to someone who knows you in some ways better than you know yourself
03:51Then they can work to help achieve your happiness in a way. That's really not possible for you, so you end up happier
03:58Thereby right I guess in the same way if you masturbate you're focusing only on your own pleasure
04:04But sexuality with a loving partner is way better because it's mutual and all that right so
04:09So self-share the shared self, but then you go to selfless
04:15Now again, I know the objections to that while you chose to have a kid you want to have a kid you're enjoying BFI
04:20It's not selfless. I'm not talking about self sacrificial
04:23It's just a funny thing because you know I spent
04:27Quite a while as a single guy got married
04:30Very quickly and then became a father a little later
04:34So I sort of had a second now I've been 15 years a dad almost 16
04:38So I know the selfish phase. I know the shared self phase and then I know the selfless phase and
04:46Once you get to the third phase where
04:49With the baby you are doing that which is delightful to the baby now the baby is smiling back
04:54And the baby is telling you what you you know that they're laughing or or at least not crying and so yeah
05:01They're reaching for you. They like the cuddles so when you have a baby. It's not like you get nothing back, right?
05:07They're not like dolls or sex or something like that
05:11So it's not like you're like it, but they're not focusing on your pleasure
05:15They are responding to the happiness you bring to them and in a way that brings you happiness
05:21now that feeling of
05:23Selflessness of focusing on the happiness of your child is so deeply satisfying. It's ridiculous. It's it's just wonderful
05:30It's absolutely wonderful like
05:33The other night I had a call-in show to do and my daughter
05:37Asked if I would come for a walk with her and she said you know
05:42I just want you with me like I can listen to music you can do your call-in show and so we walked
05:47up a rainy
05:49muddy street with quite a wind and
05:53It was really nice. Did I want to do that? Would I have done that without my daughter saying that that's what she wanted to do
05:58No, but I will almost always say yes, right if my daughter says, you know, I didn't have any particular work to do
06:06Oh, actually, no, I had a little bit of work to do but I could have done it at home
06:09I did it at a cafe a week or two ago
06:11My daughter was like, oh you want to go to a cafe?
06:14So we went to the cafe and it was nice. It was not really nice
06:17It was really nice because we got the drive there we got to chat and and all of that
06:21So when you just focus on the happiness of your children, it's just so
06:27deeply
06:28satisfying and enjoyable and rich and
06:32Of course, we have the capacity to do that. Now, of course, I you would say and I completely
06:37understand
06:38What you say what you mean when you say ah, but Steph you're enjoying that time with your daughter. Absolutely
06:44It's not a self-sacrifice at all. I get that but
06:49Focusing on the happiness of another and
06:52gaining happiness yourself through that process is
06:55without
06:57precedent
06:58until you become a
07:00father so be aware of that just
07:04focus on what's best for your kids and
07:06Trust me the happiness that you will feel will be because you know
07:11Especially if you've been single for a long time, you know, you use like well, I gotta have my own space
07:15I gotta have my own time. I gotta have you know things for me just for me and it's like not really not really
07:21Not really
07:23there is that which is enjoyable simply because it brings pleasure to your children and
07:28That's just great. It's just great and it's not with any sense of building up
07:34Obligation so, you know in most adult relationships there are deposits in withdrawals, right?
07:38you're both banks you make deposits and withdrawals, but with your kids you just deposit and
07:42It's so asymmetrical relative to other relationships that for it to bring happiness, you know
07:48I don't I don't
07:49Enjoy my daughter's company and do things with her because I want her to take care of me in my old age or she owes me
07:55Something back or something like that, right?
07:57It's it's it's it's very very different from everything else and just embrace it and trust the fact that
08:04Focusing on your children's happiness is going to bring you such joy
08:08That it doesn't and it doesn't fit with any other relationship you wouldn't in a business world
08:14you wouldn't just focus on your your customers happiness and
08:18Never think about anything that you wanted like
08:21Billables or something, right? So you just focus on
08:25You wouldn't do that, right you in your marriage
08:27You wouldn't just focus on your partner's happiness and expect absolutely nothing in return
08:31That would be kind of kind of simply right but with children. It just it works in a way that's
08:38Hard to explain but we're obviously we are wired for it as a whole, but it is just a deep it's a deep pleasure
08:45I mean if your kids are your kids are captive biologically, right the ABC the accidental biological cage
08:50Your kids are captive and if they really like you despite being captive
08:54That's about the biggest compliment that you I mean if you're assigned a wife
08:57By some central agency and she's kind of forced to marry you
09:01But then she ends up loving you and would choose you out of all of the men in the world. That's an amazing thing
09:05It's an amazing achievement. So that's number one number two
09:09recognize that
09:11This is quite draining for your wife. And not only are you gonna meet need to be there a hundred percent for your children
09:18You're gonna need to be there
09:20Like ten to one for your wife, right? So your wife is focusing on the baby. She's up at night
09:26She's breastfeeding and so on so you need to you know, really step up now. I know it feels weird, right?
09:31So as the man you maybe you're working you're paying the bills and you're devoting yourself to your
09:36Children and then you're also devoting yourself to your wife and it feels I mean when you put it that way
09:42Oh, I guess when I put it that way I can see how it seems exploitive
09:46Oh
09:46So I gotta pay the bills and I gotta take care of ten to one of my wife and I gotta focus on my kids
09:52All the time what's in it, you know because we're so used to this reciprocal stuff like what's in it for me
09:56It works as well if not better with your wife
10:01Because then it does with your kids because with your wife you are protecting her. You are shielding her
10:07You are a resource for her so that she can relax into
10:12Really taking care of the kids, which is the foundation for a great family life
10:16going forward right so as
10:19a provider and a protector or
10:22being a provider and a protector
10:24just brings
10:26So much happiness and contentment and pride to you as a man it's kind of what we're built for
10:33we're built to provide and protect and
10:35Yes, maybe you feel like you know, one of those gas giants with the black hole that's pulling all of its matter
10:42Away, right or the four million tons of matter that gets destroyed every second on the Sun through conversion to nuclear energy
10:51So maybe it but it doesn't it's not that way. It's not that way
10:56Women have a near infinity of resources to devote them to their children and men have a near infinity of
11:02resources to devote to their wives and their children and
11:05It does end up being equal. She's a hundred percent in with the kids
11:09You're probably like 30% especially if you're working right you're out 30% and 70% or 20% 80
11:14So you're both putting in a hundred percent
11:16Extra right she with the kids you with your wife and the kids and the finances and all that
11:21But it is the kind of energy that replenishes itself, right
11:26So when you start exercising it makes you tired
11:28But as you continue to exercise what happens is you get more and more and more energy, right?
11:33so as a man
11:36devoting yourself to others
11:39Energizes you it brings you great contentment and happiness. It's what we're designed to do. It's what all of our unconscious and
11:46neurological and physical systems are designed for and
11:50It is a paying it forward because hopefully your father
11:54sacrificed for you your mother sacrificed for you and you're just paying it forward and it really is a
11:59Beautiful thing and it is a bit counterintuitive
12:02Because to get energy from giving energy again, the only thing I can really you know, you spend energy
12:08Cooking right? You got to stand over a stove. You got to make your mac and cheese or whatever you're making
12:12So you spend energy cooking?
12:14But you get much more energy out of the food then you expend cooking right you spend 60 calories cooking you get
12:21600 calories out of the meal so you expend calories to get far more calories you
12:26Expend energy exercising and it gives you more energy in your life, right?
12:30I mean you even expend energy sleeping, but it gives you far more energy after you've slept
12:36So it is the kind of energy expenditure that gives you more energy and happiness
12:41and if you didn't have parents like so who did that like if you have the kind of parents who are
12:48basically like
12:49Doing their own thing watching their own shows playing video games and and ignoring you and like you've got the parents who are doing that
12:56kind of stuff then you've probably inherited that kind of selfishness and
13:01It doesn't pay off. It doesn't pay off in terms of happiness. Yes, you get to watch your show
13:05Yes, you get to pay Elden Ring for you know, 200 hours
13:09But it just drains you you'd end up not happy you end up defensive you're kind of depressed you're
13:15unhappy as a whole and you know, you you then look back and you say well I spent most of my
13:20children's childhoods in a blur of screens and
13:23Distraction and it does not make you happy. It does not lend itself to your happiness
13:29Whereas spending time with your kids giving them good skills for life is so deeply
13:35Enjoyable and satisfying and gives energy that
13:38Trying to have things just of your own is
13:41Generally, not like I mean for for many many many years. I think other than doom. I played a bit of doom and
13:47so on
13:49but
13:50With my daughter the video games I played with the video games. She enjoyed so we played them together
13:55You know, like we did some candy crush. We did a cut the rope when she was very young, which is a fun game
14:01We did where's my water with Perry and things like that and
14:05It was really fun. We sit there and chat and play and laugh and all of that
14:09She I I remember buying her some dragons for dragon veil when she was very little and she was perfectly thrilled and I remember how
14:15Excited she was when she got the double-headed rainbow dragon and and all of that
14:19So she and I would play games together that were really enjoyable. Of course, these weren't games
14:26I'd be playing on my own, but the fact that we got to play them together was incredibly fun
14:30And I look back at that
14:33With you know, great
14:35Pleasure, right? It was it was a really really large amount of fun
14:41it's not a subtraction a selfishness with regards to sexuality is
14:48Not satisfying in the long run because you end up with nobody wants to have sex with you
14:52Sort of a selfishness with regards to exercise, you know exercise feels bad. You might get injured
14:57You might have sore muscles. You might pull something. But if you don't exercise, you don't feel good in the long run
15:03so
15:05Realizing that you probably have to jettison most if not all of your quote selfish time and some of your shared self time with your wife
15:12is really really important and
15:16Making that transition is the difference between a really happy family life and a difficult and fractious family life
15:23If you devote yourself to your kids, of course, that's the biggest shield
15:27that they're gonna have against peer pressure right the peer pressure is the
15:32black or dark energy that rushes in to the void left by
15:37Parents who aren't devoted to kids, right?
15:40so where there's a lack of parental bond the
15:43Darker aspects or the more negative aspects of peer pressure come flooding in and it's really it's bad
15:49It's bad and you you know
15:51All of the stuff that you take in a quote
15:54so a pretty selfish way when they're young comes back to really haunt you in their teenage years when you have little credibility and
16:02they attach to peers who take over and
16:06Mess up your kids and so it doesn't work very well in that way at all
16:11So so those are the two major things that I would think about
16:16Set aside the ego focus on your family. It will be shockingly enjoyable and shockingly satisfying and
16:24It leaves you down the road
16:26With the wonderful thing called no regrets, right?
16:29Spend time with your regrets you get yourself. No regrets. So that is
16:35my biggest and deepest and strongest recommendation for
16:39Fatherhood and I hope that helps I I really can't do one for motherhood as well, of course because
16:46me no mother
16:48pa de muter
16:50So anyway, I hope this helps free to main.com slash donate to help out the show
16:54I really would appreciate that lots of love from up here. I will talk to you soon. Bye