• 16 hours ago
The Babysitters 2007
Transcript
00:00Shirley Liner, I'm a junior at Alfred E. Groves High School.
00:14This is my babysitting service.
00:23The answer is no.
00:27Mom doesn't drink, Dad didn't hit me, Uncle Steve never showed me his privates.
00:35I don't even have an Uncle Steve.
00:40The money's nice and paid fellatio isn't that much more humiliating than flipping burgers.
00:50If you're planning on attending college out of state, the SATs are what you want to worry
00:55about.
00:56Time allotted to complete the test is three hours and forty-five minutes.
01:03Hey Brenda, Brenda.
01:07I'm ignoring you.
01:08Your stepbrother keeps looking up here.
01:11Dude, I think she's looking at you.
01:16You think my dean's ever tried to blow him?
01:22It's not incest if he's a stepbrother.
01:25What?
01:26Brenda knows her sister's a whore.
01:30No one's feelings are hurt.
01:33This is your future.
01:37If you want it to be bright, study hard.
01:40Everything you do now determines if you get into college.
02:14Ow!
02:25Come, Mr. Belcher, come.
02:27You see my junkyard's book?
02:29Maybe the basement?
02:44Ahem.
02:49Case almost wrapped up?
02:50No.
02:51The guy's cousin is, um...
02:55He's here!
03:14How you been?
03:20What's the matter with you?
03:25Captain, being lost to the sea, then?
03:28Aries, I'm afraid.
03:30I've seen it in film.
03:32Captain, I'm afraid.
03:34I've seen it in film.
03:36Captain, I'm afraid.
03:38I've seen it in film.
03:40Aries, I'm afraid.
03:41I've seen it in film.
03:46Shirley, where do you live again?
03:48Southfield.
03:49Oh, that's far, isn't it?
03:52Oh, God damn it.
03:55If Gail wrote her autobiography, you know what it'd be called?
03:59Hurry up and wait for me.
04:03You want to come upstairs with me?
04:10Shirley's here.
04:12Oh, great.
04:14He's mad because I won't leave him alone.
04:17Mikey, what are you going to do if there's an emergency with Adam?
04:20How are you going to get him to the hospital?
04:21Are you going to drive the car?
04:23It'll be the first time.
04:27All right, you be good, okay?
04:33I'll see you in the morning.
04:35All right, later, guy, all right?
04:41Horsefuckers.
04:43The emergency numbers are on the fridge.
04:45Right.
04:46And the restaurant?
04:47Mm-hmm.
04:48Great.
04:49Have fun.
04:50You, too.
04:54Nice.
04:55Okay, here we go.
04:56Okay, good night.
04:57Please.
04:59I'll tell you one thing, though.
05:01If the business keeps going the way it is,
05:03I'm going to open up two more restaurants next year.
05:05Yeah, one on the east side and one downriver.
05:07Keep the camel jockeys from coming up here.
05:09Oh, no.
05:11Jerry, come on.
05:13And when we go corporate,
05:15we're going to come to you for the VP spot.
05:17Well, I don't know.
05:19I don't know.
05:20I don't know.
05:21I don't know.
05:22I don't know.
05:23I don't know.
05:24I don't know.
05:25I don't know.
05:26I don't know.
05:28I mean, I don't think it could be blackmailed just like that.
05:29Jesus Christ.
05:31You have a broken record is all.
05:32We have two kids, Jerry.
05:34So what?
05:35We got a kid.
05:36We got a kid.
05:37I'll get you the benefits and all that.
05:38You have one kid.
05:40We have two educations to pay for.
05:41All right.
05:42So, what?
05:43They can grow up and go to Michigan
05:44and be dead like Mike.
05:45What?
05:48Oh, no.
05:49When I was your age,
05:50I got beaten ahead every ten minutes.
05:53Why do you keep talking
05:54every time I'm trying to tell you a story?
05:56You ask questions, and then you keep talking and talking.
05:59All these things, every day of me life.
06:02Shirley.
06:03Oh, me head's bleeding.
06:05You never listen to me.
06:07Now, where was I?
06:26I don't know.
06:32I thought the idea about the wrestling was pretty cool.
06:34We should consider it.
06:35Think about it.
06:37Vice president under Jerry?
06:39Yeah.
06:41Anyway, the day Jerry goes corporate is the day I join the circus, so...
06:48Gotta put it down, huh?
06:49Just have to put it down.
06:52You got it great where you are, right?
06:55Right.
07:05Hey, hey.
07:06See the old locomotives back there?
07:08Come on, come with me.
07:09Look at the old trains.
07:10Where you going?
07:12They got them all back there like broken toys.
07:16The boys are waiting.
07:17No, they're not.
07:18The boys are sleeping.
07:19Come on.
07:20Come on.
07:21You think Mikey just goes to sleep at nine o'clock?
07:22He put a computer in his room.
07:23You know what he's doing?
07:24He's online buying heroin.
07:25That's what he's doing.
07:30It's a joke.
07:31It's a joke.
07:32It's not funny.
07:33No, I know it's not funny.
07:34But everybody in the program gets to joke about it, and I can't.
07:36Okay, Michael, I don't want to fight, okay?
07:38Why don't you just say so?
07:39If you're mad at me, just say it.
07:41It's late.
07:43Let's go.
07:44Come on.
07:45Call me an asshole.
07:46It'll make you feel better.
07:47I'm telling you, it's step nine.
07:48Go ahead.
07:52All right, forget it.
07:53Forget it.
07:54Go on, go on, go on.
07:55Call me an asshole.
07:56See?
07:57Now I feel better.
07:59I'll be right back.
08:21Oh, shit!
08:49I was just getting some spots off the floor.
08:53Wow.
08:54What are you doing?
08:55It's okay.
08:56Don't worry about it.
08:57Don't worry.
09:03Are you going to answer that?
09:06I'm sorry.
09:07Are you eating anything to eat?
09:08I had a slice.
09:11I could stop, you know.
09:13No, it's okay.
09:15I'm fine.
09:16You know what?
09:17I need some coffee.
09:23I didn't want to send her home hungry.
09:26Mm-hmm.
09:27You know what?
09:28Why don't you just turn the fan on?
09:29It'll make the smoke go away, okay?
09:31I'll be home in about an hour or so.
09:34All right, bye-bye.
09:47Working deluxe!
09:53You're not tired?
09:55No.
09:56I'm kind of a night owl.
09:57I thought at some point I would outgrow it, but...
10:00That makes two of us.
10:01Oh, yeah?
10:03You know, I guess I should pay you extra for cleaning my kitchen, huh?
10:10What?
10:11What's wrong?
10:12Sometimes I do stupid things.
10:15I don't know why.
10:16That makes two of us.
10:20That's...
10:22That's stupid.
10:32This is how it works.
10:41That's good.
10:42See that?
10:45You see where I'm going with this?
10:48No, not really.
10:52Now, that...
10:54Is bad.
10:55Oh, that's bad, right.
10:56As soon as one thing is out of place,
10:59it throws everything else around it out of whack.
11:02There's like this...
11:04A domino effect or a chain reaction.
11:13Everything and everyone has its place.
11:17Right.
11:20You think I'm a freak?
11:22Oh, yeah.
11:25No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
11:27Double the fries!
11:56So, how'd you meet your wife?
11:59What?
12:02What?
12:04I mean, why?
12:12Okay.
12:14I met her just outside of Ann Arbor.
12:17There's this bridge with a river underneath it and a trade track on it.
12:21And, uh...
12:24It's pitch, pitch black at night.
12:26That's where...
12:27I know why I'm telling you this.
12:29Um...
12:31And that's where the kids go to get high.
12:33Oh.
12:34Yeah.
12:35One night, my friend Jerry takes me there.
12:37The guy you had dinner with tonight?
12:38Uh-huh.
12:39And we just go there to see what it was like, you know.
12:41Sure.
12:44Anyway, so we're there and, uh...
12:48This little, uh, party girl comes up to me and turns out to be Gail.
12:54And, uh, she was on a shitload of, uh...
12:58Anyway, she gives me this long once, twice, thrice over.
13:04And then she turns to Jerry and she says,
13:07So what else did you bring me?
13:12I don't know, you had to be there.
13:15I wish I was.
13:19Then what?
13:22Well, she goes over to her friends and I turn to Jerry and I say,
13:25That guy looks like a lot of trouble.
13:34It's funny how people change, huh?
13:40So, you got a boyfriend?
13:44Why?
13:46Come on, you're smart, you're mature, you're definitely unique.
13:49You got that?
13:55Whoa!
13:58Your mother knew.
14:22Hey, you want to see something cool?
14:28Okay.
14:49You know, we can't, we just can't...
14:53You know what I mean, I have kids and everything, okay?
14:56Yeah.
15:11Okay.
15:13Okay, wait, here, wait.
15:18Thanks for watching the kids.
15:23Okay.
15:38Okay.
16:06Okay.
16:12HPV.
16:14Herpes.
16:16Syphilis.
16:18Gonorrhea.
16:20Gonorrhea close-up.
16:23Ladies and gentlemen, the numbers show it.
16:27The research shows it.
16:29Americans want a car.
16:31A beautiful automobile that we can sell to them.
16:35A car with torque, with horsepower.
16:37With how much horsepower?
16:40A shitload, George.
16:42Yes, Phil, yes, Phil, thank you.
16:45A shitload of horsepower.
16:46Are you with me, Mike?
16:49Female version.
16:50It's my car.
16:51I'll bring it back.
16:52You don't even have your license.
16:54Are you saying I'm going to fuck it up?
16:55Yes.
16:56You look a way better driver than you.
16:58No, you're not.
16:59You trashed Allie's car.
17:01And you let your mom drown out of gas that one time.
17:03You failed driver's ed like three times.
17:05That is because Brokaw hated me.
17:07No, it's because you're a bad driver.
17:09I could get, like, arrested.
17:10Our mom took Nadine's car with us.
17:12Fuck you, fat ass.
17:14Around and inside the vagina.
17:16So he tells me he's only friends with her, but, like, how come he's thinking of taking her to the dance alone and not, like, in a group?
17:21Christ, Brenda, ask him out already.
17:23But girls aren't supposed to ask.
17:25Fine.
17:26Be alone, stay home, and binge on diet pills and Chunky Monkey.
17:29I'm sick of hearing it every day.
17:31Why are you attacking me?
17:33Everyone be a friend.
17:34Okay.
17:35It doesn't matter how many defense or attack powers you have.
17:37No, no, you put it on the table for me.
17:39You, you, like, just like that?
17:40Yeah, yeah, it could be like that.
17:42Dude, a baseball card is a better game, right?
17:44So much easier.
17:45So what do you want?
17:46You want another brownie?
17:47Uh, ice cream.
17:48Okay, whatever you want, man.
17:49You got good grades, right?
18:02Shirley, hi.
18:04You come here, that's so cute.
18:06Sometimes.
18:13I was gonna call you.
18:14I hate to ask, but I wonder if you could sit for us Thursday night?
18:17I know it's a school night.
18:19You know, maybe you could clean my bathroom.
18:21I'm kidding.
18:23Would Thursday work, do you think?
18:26Yeah.
18:27Would Thursday work, do you think?
18:31Um...
18:57You will want to take particular care not to perforate the duodenum.
19:23If you don't know where the duodenum is, you should check your book.
19:27A perforated duodenum is no picnic.
19:32Now, although the pancreas lies against the liver...
19:36What?
19:37What's wrong?
19:38Nothing.
19:39Yes, there is.
19:40No, I just had a late night, is all.
19:42Little brats keep you from your studies.
19:46Yeah.
19:47Make any money?
19:49Mm-hmm.
19:50How much?
19:52Fifty dollars.
19:54Jesus, Cheryl.
19:56Would you suck Mr. Beltran's cock?
20:03I can't believe you didn't call.
20:05I called you when I got my period.
20:07When I lost my virginity at camp, I snuck over to your cabin to tell you.
20:10Shit, I called you the second I lost my virginity.
20:12Okay.
20:13And this isn't some tooth, Shirley.
20:14This is something happening.
20:16Listen to me.
20:17Nothing happened.
20:18The guy's got a family, kids, a job.
20:19I've got college to worry about.
20:21He's paying me to pay for college.
20:22Don't even talk that way.
20:24If there's one thing in my life I know I should regret...
20:26It's a little silly to regret something that never happened.
20:29According to you.
20:36Dude, you can't tell anybody, man.
20:38You can't.
20:39Don't tell anybody.
20:40But you...
20:41No, no, I'm serious.
20:42Don't even tell Tina, man.
20:44Jesus, Tina?
20:45What the fuck, Mike?
20:47I don't know.
20:48She's your wife.
20:49I don't know.
20:50I'm glad I don't tell Tina, all right?
20:51I'm sure it goes both ways.
20:53God knows where she's been.
20:54I don't even want to...
20:56ignorant bliss and all that.
20:58Fuck, man.
20:59What do you think our marriage works so well for?
21:01I don't know, you know.
21:02I would venture to say that you're going through a midlife crisis, man,
21:05but you've always been the stupid one.
21:06Okay, right.
21:07So you're the one pulling the babysitter,
21:09and yet I'm the one going through the midlife...
21:11You'd have to be in my position to understand what I'm going through.
21:16All right?
21:21So this friend of mine wants to know if, well, you know,
21:24if you know someone who could babysit for him, and...
21:29He says he's willing to pay.
21:35Yeah.
21:37Yeah, I know someone.
21:44What?
21:45Hey.
21:46Are we going to hell?
21:47Yep.
21:50And I knew it.
21:52I gotta go.
21:56So Doug is over, like, every day.
21:58And I mean, I know he's friends with my stepbrother,
22:00but come on, like, Scott is not that cool, right?
22:02And he's always just, like, hanging around when I'm watching TV or something,
22:04so I totally think he likes me.
22:06Totally, totally, totally.
22:07I'll be right back.
22:09What is that? Is that new?
22:11He's a total freak.
22:14He was wearing a cowboy outfit, and he had a mustache.
22:18Is he nice?
22:20No, I need coffee.
22:21Wait, miss?
22:22Yeah?
22:23Um, I was thinking, since I set it up,
22:31like, uh, I was thinking I could maybe get some of the money.
22:40Like 40 bucks?
22:45It just seems fair.
22:49Yeah, it is.
22:5620%.
22:58Thanks, Cheryl.
23:07Oh, my God, is this awesome?
23:10Yeah, have fun cleaning up all the poop before your parents get back.
23:14What?
23:15It's totally awesome.
23:17Shut up.
23:18Shirley, we got to go talk to Doug.
23:21Okay.
23:24Hey.
23:25Hey.
23:27Hey.
23:28Hey.
23:29I've got a hookup for some weed.
23:32You interested?
23:33It's going to be sweet.
23:35Um, I don't really...
23:36Sure.
23:38Um, Shirley, if you need to run home later, I can go in, too, if you need one.
23:42Yeah, because I came with Melissa, but, um, yeah, maybe, yeah.
23:48Okay.
24:10I'm going to puke.
24:19What's the deal?
24:20I got calls from two of Jerry's friends.
24:23That's great.
24:24Great?
24:25It's not great.
24:26Jerry can't keep his mouth shut.
24:28We're going to go to jail.
24:29We're minors.
24:30A few hours of mandatory counseling and we're off clean.
24:36Wives and parents and kids.
24:38All take care of themselves.
24:41They'll always believe that their husbands love them, their daughters are virgins,
24:47and their sons aren't making pipe bombs in the basement because it would kill them to believe otherwise.
24:52They're the ones that make getting away with it so easy.
24:56Both want Thursday.
24:58I got Jerry Thursday.
24:59I know.
25:01Can you take one of them?
25:07Still leaves one guy dateless.
25:10So find someone else to sit.
25:12Jesus, miss.
25:14Jesus, miss.
25:15You know what the pimps say?
25:16I didn't make her a hoe.
25:18She was a hoe already.
25:20Oh, yeah.
25:21That's great.
25:22You heard that where?
25:23Hang on.
25:24I'm getting more beer.
25:26Also, who's a hoe?
25:29Hmm.
25:40Oh, yeah.
25:41That's brilliant.
25:45No.
25:47No.
25:48She would never.
25:49She doesn't have to.
25:51But let her make that choice.
25:54For once in her life, let her make a choice about something.
26:09Do you want me to drive?
26:12Yeah.
26:15You leaving?
26:17Yeah, I'm just waiting for Melissa, so...
26:25You cold?
26:26You want my hoodie?
26:27No.
26:28Sure.
26:29Thanks.
26:32I'm really sorry about your...
26:35It's no problem.
26:43Do the kids behave?
26:46Where are we?
26:48A friend of mine used to live around here.
26:52You could talk.
26:55I could listen.
27:12I'm sorry.