Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01:00Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:01:27yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:01:54yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:02:24Uh huh.
00:02:51I like to get,
00:02:54Hello, Paolo.
00:02:56Hey, hey.
00:02:59Why don't you have a girlfriend?
00:03:02I told you before, Paolo.
00:03:04Because priests aren't allowed to have girlfriends.
00:03:07Why are you a priest, Father Albinozzi?
00:03:09Because I love God.
00:03:11Pass me that spanner, will you?
00:03:19Good boy.
00:03:23Does he love you?
00:03:25Of course, Paolo. God loves everybody.
00:03:29Wrench, please.
00:03:32Thanks.
00:03:36Now, pay attention, orphans.
00:03:38I have some very sad news for you.
00:03:40At ten past ten this morning,
00:03:42your spiritual father, His Holiness the Pope,
00:03:44he who, based on my reports,
00:03:46decides whether you go to heaven or hell,
00:03:48has himself...
00:03:53Come on, come on, come on.
00:03:55Beep, beep, beep.
00:03:57Don't turn it off.
00:03:59Beep, beep, beep.
00:04:01Keep the revs down.
00:04:03What are you doing, Paolo?
00:04:05Ow!
00:04:07Father Albinozzi,
00:04:09if you hadn't been so engrossed
00:04:11in that filthy machine of yours,
00:04:13you might have noticed the bell tolling
00:04:15for our late holy father.
00:04:17So, before you take the hymn class,
00:04:19kneel on your knees and pray for his soul.
00:04:42The Pope's dead,
00:04:44and that's the big news story here in Rome today.
00:04:46We're going to see him get buried
00:04:48live on CNN right after these messages.
00:04:50Well, the fact is, Jerry,
00:04:52we're going to have to pull out of Shea Stadium.
00:04:54Ain't you heard the news?
00:04:56No, he's not tired, Jerry.
00:04:58He's dead.
00:05:00Dead, yeah. D-E-A-D.
00:05:04No, we don't have a new pope yet.
00:05:06No, Jerry, I can't just send someone in a white frock.
00:05:09Yeah, he has to get elected.
00:05:11One moment, please.
00:05:13Well, we have this thing called a conclave.
00:05:15A conclave. It's like the Senate except...
00:05:17Anyway, take my word for it, Jerry. We're out of this one.
00:05:19Yeah, bye.
00:05:21We found this envelope in the Pope's apartment.
00:05:23It's addressed to you.
00:05:25For me?
00:05:47I never thought I'd live to see this day.
00:05:53God bless you, my son.
00:05:59After nearly 25 days
00:06:01of rather warmish weather here in Rome,
00:06:03the Pope has finally arrived.
00:06:05The Pope has arrived.
00:06:07The Pope has arrived.
00:06:09The Pope has arrived.
00:06:11The Pope has arrived.
00:06:13The Pope has arrived.
00:06:15After nearly 25 days
00:06:17of rather warmish weather here in Rome,
00:06:19the College of Cardinals are still locked
00:06:21in the Sistine Chapel.
00:06:23As you can see, the traditional plume of black smoke.
00:06:25Except it's black.
00:06:27The smoke is black, Harry.
00:06:29It's been black for 25 days.
00:06:31It's still black. There it is.
00:06:33That's it, the black smoke.
00:06:35So who's gonna be Pope?
00:06:37It's tense, it's exciting,
00:06:39and we'll find out right after this.
00:06:45Ladies and gentlemen,
00:06:47these are men
00:06:49who not only looks holy,
00:06:51but knows how to smile
00:06:53easily.
00:06:55And it is for that reason
00:06:57that Cardinal Mancini
00:06:59here
00:07:01gets my blessing and my vote.
00:07:05Well, you are too old to vote.
00:07:07In any case, Mancini couldn't run a temperature
00:07:09let alone the church.
00:07:11Kandinsky's the man we want.
00:07:13Kandinsky?
00:07:15Kandinsky isn't good-looking enough.
00:07:17What do you mean good-looking?
00:07:19What's that got to do with it?
00:07:21Clearly he's too fat.
00:07:23We need a health-conscious Pope.
00:07:25Excuse me, I gotta make a phone call.
00:07:27Well, dance loose.
00:07:29Please refrain from using
00:07:31such language, Cardinal.
00:07:33We'll never choose
00:07:35a new Pope at this rate.
00:07:37Check him!
00:07:45That wasn't me!
00:07:47Listen! Mancini was on
00:07:49television twice!
00:07:51In color!
00:08:03Hi, it's me.
00:08:05All the candidates stink.
00:08:07There's not one popular choice.
00:08:09I'll give them another day of this low torture
00:08:11then I'll hit them with Albion.
00:08:13By then they'll be so stupefied they'll probably
00:08:15elect a woman. Listen to that.
00:08:21We are in a dire situation.
00:08:23Never before has our
00:08:25conclave disagreed
00:08:27so violently over the choice
00:08:29of a new Pope.
00:08:31We could be here for months at this rate.
00:08:33Does anybody know
00:08:35of a Cardinal who is not here
00:08:37today but if he had been here today
00:08:39would have been our certain choice.
00:08:41Now I ask you,
00:08:43does anyone know of such a man?
00:08:45Yes!
00:08:47There is such a man.
00:08:49A man
00:08:51who speaks twenty languages
00:08:53and keeps cool in a crisis.
00:08:55A beautiful guy.
00:08:57He's five foot ten, thick
00:08:59silvery gray hair,
00:09:01very photogenic.
00:09:03He's a natural. I mean this guy was born
00:09:05Pope.
00:09:07And the only reason he's not here today
00:09:09is because at this
00:09:11very moment, check this out,
00:09:15he's in Africa
00:09:17risking his very
00:09:19life by
00:09:21driving a busload of
00:09:23highly contagious
00:09:25young, beautiful
00:09:27black lepers.
00:09:29How about that, huh?
00:09:31From a disease-ridden
00:09:33refugee camp
00:09:35to the safety of Western
00:09:37medical care.
00:09:41And to a tearful reunion
00:09:43with their long lost mothers.
00:09:45I mean is this
00:09:47the guy we want out there on the balcony
00:09:49greeting the faithful and fluent
00:09:51Latin?
00:09:53Is this the guy who says
00:09:55yes, I'm the Pope
00:09:57and no one kicks my church around?
00:09:59Huh?
00:10:01Is this the guy who's gonna fill
00:10:03your empty churches?
00:10:11I think it is.
00:10:17The man I speak of
00:10:19is none other
00:10:21than Cardinal Albini.
00:10:23And if you
00:10:25vote for him, I'll guarantee
00:10:27you that I'll have him out on that balcony
00:10:29by five o'clock tomorrow
00:10:31Rome time.
00:10:33But what about the beautiful lepers?
00:10:35Okay, let's take a vote.
00:10:37All those in favor?
00:10:39All those in favor?
00:10:41Great. By unanimous
00:10:43vote I declare that Cardinal
00:10:45Albini has been elected
00:10:47as Supreme Apostle.
00:10:55Yay!
00:11:05What's his name?
00:11:07Albini.
00:11:09What?
00:11:11Albini.
00:11:13Is that with an I or an E?
00:11:15I. What's that?
00:11:17I said I.
00:11:19Gotcha.
00:11:21I said I.
00:11:23I said I.
00:11:47They've done it.
00:11:49It's an outsider.
00:11:51Albinizi?
00:11:53Who the hell's that?
00:11:55What? Whatever.
00:11:57No, I'm not a vegetarian.
00:11:59Prepare a draft statement.
00:12:01The press are going to want photographs.
00:12:03Check on the travel arrangements.
00:12:05Contact the tailors.
00:12:07The first thing we're going to have to do
00:12:09is contact Albinizi, wherever he is.
00:12:11He's in Africa.
00:12:13What?
00:12:15Rocco, what's going on?
00:12:17The new Pope is in Africa?
00:12:19You've got a deal, okay?
00:12:21What's he doing in Africa?
00:12:23He's just a priest.
00:12:25He knows the procedure.
00:12:27Who's going to find out?
00:12:29Trust me. Everything will be fine.
00:12:31Just go through the motion.
00:12:35There's no Cardinal Albinizi.
00:12:37What?
00:12:39Look in the priest section.
00:12:41Maybe he got lost there by mistake.
00:12:43Albertini, Albertini,
00:12:45Albaloni, Albinazi...
00:12:47Albinizi.
00:12:49Albinizi C.D. Villadoma.
00:12:51Monastery of the Sacred Heart?
00:12:53Well, there you are.
00:12:55C for Cardinal.
00:12:57That's him.
00:12:59That's the new Pope.
00:13:13Oh, Speedy Gonzales,
00:13:15why don't you come home?
00:13:17Oh, Speedy Gonzales,
00:13:19I guess you're leaving all of us.
00:13:29Father Albinizi,
00:13:31I have to tell you
00:13:33something.
00:13:35What?
00:13:37I have to tell you
00:13:39something.
00:13:41Father Albinizi,
00:13:43I have never witnessed such barbatic
00:13:45pagan behavior in all my life.
00:13:47We were just having
00:13:49some fun, Mother.
00:13:51Fun? That wasn't fun.
00:13:53That was disgusting.
00:13:55Your attitude, Father,
00:13:57only confirms your blatant disrespect for our Holy Order.
00:13:59I'm informing the Abbot
00:14:01that we have no further need of your services here.
00:14:05Mother, Mother,
00:14:07please, please, please, I'm sorry.
00:14:09I thought I'd better get them into music
00:14:11so that they would enjoy their hymns more.
00:14:13They're not supposed to enjoy their hymns.
00:14:15Mother,
00:14:17these children have got no one to look after them
00:14:19but me, and you, of course.
00:14:21I'd love these children
00:14:23as if they were my own.
00:14:25They'll soon forget you.
00:14:27I'll see to that.
00:14:29And I've already found your replacement.
00:14:33Ah!
00:14:39Answer that phone!
00:14:41Why does nobody
00:14:43ever answer that phone?
00:14:49Yes?
00:14:51I'm in for the dormer, 3921.
00:14:53What?
00:14:55The Vatican?
00:14:57Yes, I'm the Abbot.
00:14:59Albinizi?
00:15:01No, he's not here, thank God.
00:15:03He's in Samoa.
00:15:05He's in Samoa.
00:15:07He's not here, thank God.
00:15:09He's in Samoa.
00:15:11I'm going to defrock him.
00:15:31Why must they be so serious?
00:15:33Why can't they be devout
00:15:35and enjoy themselves?
00:15:37Maybe I should go back
00:15:39to being a mechanic. I was good at that.
00:15:41Well, I was never very hot
00:15:43with automatic transmissions, actually,
00:15:45but give me a straight six and I...
00:15:49Where are you going, Father?
00:15:51Um, I have to go away for a while.
00:15:53We want to come with you.
00:15:55We can't. Not this time.
00:15:57Why not?
00:15:59Because I've got a better job
00:16:01in a bigger orphanage.
00:16:03Yes, more money.
00:16:05Please don't make this harder for me.
00:16:17Why don't you adopt us?
00:16:19Then we could come with you.
00:16:21I'd love to, but I can't.
00:16:23You see, I'm a priest and I'm not married.
00:16:25I'll marry you.
00:16:27Have an easy!
00:16:29Don't go, Father.
00:16:31Father, have an easy!
00:16:33Are you going to send me off
00:16:35with a nice smile and a wave?
00:16:37Father, have an easy!
00:16:41I'll write to you.
00:16:43Father, have an easy!
00:16:47I'll write to you.
00:17:13Hello, Brother Joseph.
00:17:25Oh, hello, brothers.
00:17:43Hello.
00:18:13Have an easy!
00:18:15Get in here.
00:18:17I've got some very disturbing news.
00:18:25I owe you an apology, Father.
00:18:27I really am terribly sorry
00:18:29about all the trouble I've caused.
00:18:31You see, I never realised it.
00:18:33Just by singing Speedy Gonzales,
00:18:35I'd upset everybody so much.
00:18:37It's a lovely song,
00:18:39and all the children love it.
00:18:41Shut up, have an easy!
00:18:43You've been made Pope.
00:18:45Yes, and the Mother Superior
00:18:47was absolutely furious.
00:18:49She said he'd been acting sexy.
00:18:51What?
00:18:53You'd better read this.
00:18:57It was obviously some terrible mistake,
00:18:59wasn't there?
00:19:01I pray that should be so.
00:19:03But unfortunately, it's true.
00:19:05But I'm only a priest.
00:19:07I'm not even a cardinal.
00:19:09However, it's not for me to inquire
00:19:11by what strange stirring of the Holy Spirit
00:19:13the conclave saw fit
00:19:15to elect you Pope.
00:19:17I don't know what's happening to the church anymore.
00:19:19Birth control,
00:19:21women, priests.
00:19:25And now you.
00:19:39Good.
00:19:53I love the Catholic Church,
00:19:55Albinizzi.
00:19:57And if anything happens to it,
00:19:59I'll come looking for you.
00:20:01Well, I'm really sorry
00:20:03about the vase.
00:20:05Get out.
00:20:07Ah!
00:20:11Just get out of here!
00:20:13Get out!
00:20:19What can we say about this new Pope?
00:20:21Well, he's called Albinizzi.
00:20:23He's young.
00:20:25He was the unanimous choice of the conclave.
00:20:27And we're told he'll be on that balcony
00:20:29in just a few hours.
00:20:37♪♪♪
00:20:39♪♪♪
00:20:41♪♪♪
00:20:43♪♪♪
00:20:45♪♪♪
00:20:47♪♪♪
00:20:49♪♪♪
00:20:51♪♪♪
00:20:53♪♪♪
00:20:55♪♪♪
00:20:57Let the friends
00:20:59of our friends prosper.
00:21:01And let the beating hearts of our enemies
00:21:03be torn from their bodies.
00:21:05Amen.
00:21:07We got here as fast as we could,
00:21:09but the traffic around the Vatican was a bitch.
00:21:11Pray silence for the exalted Grand Master
00:21:13Vittorio Corelli.
00:21:15APPLAUSE
00:21:23Naturally,
00:21:25the first thing I want to know is
00:21:27why our trusted silver-haired friend,
00:21:29Father Albini,
00:21:31is not at this moment
00:21:33cultivating our long-term
00:21:35business relationship by resting
00:21:37his arse on the Vatican throne.
00:21:39How could such a thing happen?
00:21:41Who is responsible for this?
00:21:45What's he saying?
00:21:47He says to raise your hand.
00:21:49♪♪♪♪
00:22:19♪♪♪♪
00:22:21♪♪♪♪
00:22:23♪♪♪♪
00:22:25♪♪♪♪
00:22:27♪♪♪♪
00:22:29For years,
00:22:31we have enjoyed the most happy
00:22:33business relationship with the Vatican.
00:22:35Because what is good for us
00:22:37is good for them,
00:22:39and is good for Italy,
00:22:41and is good for us again.
00:22:43Is it thus possible
00:22:45that one deaf priest
00:22:47with a flat battery
00:22:57can jeopardize
00:22:59all we have achieved?
00:23:01It begs many questions.
00:23:03How can we be sure
00:23:05that this simple priest from Villa Dorma,
00:23:07whose signature we'll need
00:23:09for various documents,
00:23:11will not concern himself,
00:23:13for instance,
00:23:15with the delicate affairs of our friends
00:23:17from South America?
00:23:19How can we be certain
00:23:21that this country bumpkin
00:23:23will not poke his nose
00:23:25into our own dear Vatican bank,
00:23:27which we all know
00:23:29is in big shit trouble, Malvini?
00:23:31Perhaps we should politely
00:23:33ask our honorable friends
00:23:35from the Vatican
00:23:37what they intend to do
00:23:39with this holy fucker.
00:23:45First off, I'm really sorry
00:23:47you didn't get the papacy, pal.
00:23:49I mean, you heard my speech for ten minutes there.
00:23:51You were the second coming.
00:23:53What else can I say except that
00:23:55it really makes no difference,
00:23:57except for him.
00:23:59And I can assure you, Grand Master,
00:24:01that this pontiff
00:24:03will be taken care of.
00:24:09Hello.
00:24:11William?
00:24:13Hello.
00:24:15Great color.
00:24:17Sorry if I kept you at all.
00:24:19You were surprised.
00:24:21That's a bit of a turnout, isn't it?
00:24:23Hello.
00:24:25Hello.
00:24:27Do they always have to kneel?
00:24:29You can have them kneel or not,
00:24:31just as you please. It's optional.
00:24:33The last pope liked to have them kneel.
00:24:59This is the papal bedroom, Your Holiness.
00:25:01And this, as you can see,
00:25:03is the centerpiece of the entire room,
00:25:05the papal bed
00:25:07where many great men have died.
00:25:09Sheets are changed Tuesdays and Fridays.
00:25:11You want me to sleep here?
00:25:13I assure you, it's the best suite in the Vatican.
00:25:15Oh, I'm sure. I didn't mean...
00:25:17Right.
00:25:19Bedside stuff here.
00:25:21These are the alarm buttons.
00:25:23Touch one of these, and we come running.
00:25:25If you want additional pillows,
00:25:27they're in here.
00:25:29Now, this...
00:25:31is the en suite bathroom
00:25:33with bath and shower.
00:25:35And believe me,
00:25:37in this job, you're going to need both.
00:25:41This is the papal study
00:25:43with your own private chapel, of course.
00:25:45Very nice and quiet,
00:25:47in case you should want to pray.
00:25:49On the other hand,
00:25:51if you want entertainment,
00:25:53I think you'll find it's all here.
00:25:57Now, over here we have
00:25:59the en suite fridge and bar.
00:26:01Well,
00:26:03we want you to be completely relaxed
00:26:05and comfortable at all times.
00:26:07That's very kind.
00:26:09Oh, what's that here?
00:26:15Ha! I really do have to speak
00:26:17to somebody who's in charge.
00:26:19That's you. Talk all you want.
00:26:21I'll be right out here.
00:26:23No, Father, I don't even know
00:26:25if you're the right guy to be talking to,
00:26:27but I've been told that the conclave
00:26:29is the will of God and so on,
00:26:31but obviously there's been a terrible mistake.
00:26:33There's been no mistake.
00:26:35You are the supreme pontiff.
00:26:37Now, is there anything else before the coronation?
00:26:39Um, could I have something to eat?
00:26:41You get fed when you're crowned.
00:26:43Now, why don't you unpack,
00:26:45and I'll see you in chapel in, uh,
00:26:4720 minutes.
00:26:59♪
00:27:01♪
00:27:27You got the wrong guy.
00:27:29They all say that.
00:27:55Sorry.
00:28:00Father, congratulations.
00:28:02It's great what you did in Africa.
00:28:04What? I'm such a hungry man.
00:28:06What a great day this is. You must be on cloud nine.
00:28:08In Africa!
00:28:10I've never been there.
00:28:12I don't want to talk about it. I understand. I understand.
00:28:14Please, don't listen to him.
00:28:16Father, he's talking to you.
00:28:18Cardinal Verucci, head of marketing.
00:28:20Let me tell you, Father,
00:28:22it's gonna be a great year for the Catholic Church.
00:28:30Hello, Rome Express?
00:28:32News desk.
00:28:34I want to talk to Carlo Felici.
00:28:36Yes, speaking.
00:28:38Hi. My name's Baggio. Baggio.
00:28:40Yes.
00:28:42I work at the Vatican Bank,
00:28:44and I'm prepared to tell you what's going on here.
00:28:46Well, what is?
00:28:48Yeah. I'll give you the dirt on everyone,
00:28:50especially that slimy bastard Corelli.
00:28:52Well, what do you want?
00:28:54But I want a lot of money.
00:28:56All right, meet me, Piazza Borini, 5 o'clock.
00:28:58I'll be there.
00:29:02I want him to know it was me who killed him.
00:29:04Yes, Mr. Corelli.
00:29:06I don't want him to die thinking it was just bad luck
00:29:08or an accident.
00:29:10Now, this is just a selection
00:29:12of some of our most recent killings.
00:29:16Hmm.
00:29:18This client wanted to make a personal statement.
00:29:22Yes, it has to be personal.
00:29:24I'm not sure about the sausages.
00:29:28No.
00:29:30Oh, how about this one?
00:29:32This is an old favorite.
00:29:34Oh, that's nice.
00:29:36Excuse me.
00:29:50You play beautifully, Lucia.
00:29:52That lady's just for you, Papa.
00:29:54That's good.
00:29:56Where were you last night?
00:29:58You weren't seeing some silly boy, were you?
00:30:00No, Papa.
00:30:02I'm not seeing any boys.
00:30:04That's good.
00:30:06I just love you, Papa.
00:30:20Oh!
00:30:22Communion wafers.
00:30:24Mmm.
00:30:26Oh.
00:30:42Corelli.
00:30:54My kids are always on time
00:30:56when I make chocolate spaghetti.
00:30:58Hey, kids!
00:31:00Yeah!
00:31:10They want more chocolate spaghetti!
00:31:24Mmm.
00:31:30Dear children,
00:31:32this is
00:31:34my first day
00:31:36in the
00:31:38Vatican.
00:31:44It is
00:31:46a huge
00:31:48place.
00:31:50There are
00:31:52120
00:31:54rooms.
00:31:56My room is marked
00:31:58with a cross.
00:32:04Which room is it?
00:32:06The only one
00:32:08with a balcony.
00:32:10Ha-ha.
00:32:22Ahem.
00:32:28Ahem.
00:32:30I am proud
00:32:32to be
00:32:34with
00:32:36so many good
00:32:38and holy
00:32:40men.
00:32:52Open your mouth.
00:32:54Okay.
00:32:56Now get the picture.
00:32:58Uh-uh.
00:33:00No, more closer.
00:33:02More closer.
00:33:04Uh-uh.
00:33:06No, no.
00:33:08Now put me in it, you dumb fuck!
00:33:12Ah!
00:33:14Ah!
00:33:16Ah!
00:33:18Ah!
00:33:20Ah!
00:33:30Tell Lucia to hurry up.
00:33:32She mustn't keep her guests waiting.
00:33:34Yes, sir.
00:33:50Lucia?
00:33:54Lucia?
00:33:58Vittorio!
00:34:00Hi.
00:34:02Maestro, darling, this is the birthday
00:34:04of the year. You know, I can't believe
00:34:06that Lucia is already 18.
00:34:08How fast they grew up.
00:34:10Soon she'll be having boyfriends,
00:34:12then getting married.
00:34:14Lucia is not interested in boys.
00:34:16Of course not.
00:34:20Oh.
00:34:26Alberto,
00:34:28where is my little birthday girl?
00:34:32Happy birthday, Lucia.
00:34:40Come on, Joe, we're on.
00:34:42What's going on?
00:34:44I can't play right if my baby's not here.
00:34:46I'm not your baby, Joe.
00:34:48What are you talking about?
00:34:50Of course you are.
00:34:52So who's this?
00:34:54I found it in your shed pockets.
00:34:56That's my mum.
00:34:58Oh, very cute.
00:35:00It is. I don't see her very much.
00:35:02That's why I like to keep a picture of her.
00:35:04Oh.
00:35:06Oh, come on. You're the only one for me, Lucia.
00:35:08Mmm, special.
00:35:10Wait here.
00:35:12I'll be right back.
00:35:14Then we'll have a right old rave.
00:35:18Oh.
00:35:32Ha-ha-ha!
00:35:34Yeah, go for it!
00:35:36Ha-ha!
00:35:42Oh.
00:35:44Hi, Papa.
00:35:46I was on Danforth,
00:35:48and this is Osaban.
00:35:50How do you do?
00:35:52Where's the party, Pops?
00:35:54Got any more daughters?
00:35:56Yeah, how about three?
00:35:58Older than that.
00:36:00Oh, Papa.
00:36:02Don't be cross.
00:36:04Just go upstairs, Lucia.
00:36:06Yes, Papa.
00:36:10Night, night, boys.
00:36:12Sweet dreams, Lucia.
00:36:14Gentlemen.
00:36:16What? No party?
00:36:18No party.
00:36:34What was that?
00:36:36Here's a pop star.
00:36:38Kill him.
00:36:40Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:36:42Work that fat until it's gone
00:36:44Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:36:46Okay, everyone.
00:36:48You've seen how it's done.
00:36:50Now I want us all to try it together.
00:36:52Yes, that includes you, brother.
00:36:54I want to see you out of those chairs.
00:36:56Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:36:58Work that fat until it's gone
00:37:00Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:37:02Work that fat until it's gone
00:37:04Going down.
00:37:06And stretch.
00:37:08Over and stretch and stretch going down and stretch very nice and stretch
00:37:15Oh, that's wonderful and kick. Let's kick. Let's kick kick kick our legs to heaven
00:37:24Listen can you call Captain Bruno and tell him we need to close the vehicle for a while longer
00:37:30Pleased to meet you you hungers. My name is father Mitchell. Please call me bitch. Well. How do you do bitch?
00:37:35I'm in charge of a mobile security. Unfortunately. I'm embarrassed to say we're not so mobile right now. Oh dear
00:37:39What seems to be the trouble?
00:37:41Just this mechanical
00:37:46What was your first reaction on being elected Pope well, I told them they'd been a terrible mistake
00:37:57Well, I think it's a very good thing
00:38:01What about woman priests well that too
00:38:05Is still seeking guidance in these matters next question
00:38:12What are you going to do about the corruption in the Vatican Bank
00:38:17Corruption what corruption would that be? Thank you very much. That will be all for today. What's your price Papa?
00:38:23What about Chile?
00:38:25Bolivia
00:38:30What's all that stuff about corruption oh just more communist student nonsense Papa
00:38:34They'll do anything to sell their crummy rag don't you worry you said exactly the right thing. I didn't say anything
00:38:40Well, that's good that you didn't say anything. You're the Pope you don't want to get involved in any of that stuff right now 245
00:38:46You've got to canonize a missionary
00:38:56I just relax and enjoy it. I know it's a bit scary the first time, but you'll soon get used to crowds like this
00:39:01Do you I?
00:39:06Used to be a road manager with the sex pistols
00:39:08This is before I was a priest of course uh-huh you should have been in Texas that was dangerous. I can imagine
00:39:16This is nice, it's your home crowd. They love you. Yeah
00:39:25Oh
00:39:35This is silly this isn't funny. I'm a holy man. I believe in God, but this is it really
00:39:43Did I ask to be Pope I don't think so so I'm going
00:39:47Look out your window, and I'll be gone. I'm sorry. That's it you're leaving us
00:39:52So soon yes Pope for a day
00:39:55It was terrific
00:39:57thrill of a lifetime, but not for this boy, it's
00:40:00Thank you RV Maria, and good night. You think God made a mistake choosing you
00:40:07God the postman somebody you know as the Pope
00:40:13You have power to do so much good
00:40:16There are so many people you could help
00:40:20Like who ah
00:40:22Here's one dear Pope. This is your lucky day. You could already have won $6,000 tax-free
00:40:34Aha
00:40:35Dear Papa seek and the reward shall be thine
00:40:38That's our motto and could be yours too if you invest in our new holiday chalet complex near Torino
00:40:44What do you think should we invest?
00:40:47Dear Papa our mission here is swamped by hundreds of discarded children many of whom will
00:40:53die
00:40:55Since we only have facilities for 50
00:40:57I believe all these children could be saved if only the government would do something to help, but no one seems to care
00:41:04Please help us Papa yours sister Margarita, San Paolo mission
00:41:09What do you want to do put them up here?
00:41:12Well um I thought I
00:41:14Should send a sister some money. That's kind of thing. I can do as Pope isn't it Papa. We are the church
00:41:20We collect money. We don't give it out
00:41:22Would you mind signing this?
00:41:25There's nothing on it. It's blank. That's all right. We'll take care of the rest
00:41:29Is that a fact?
00:41:31Well, I think it's time. I spoke to whoever was in charge of all this money
00:41:36Papa how are you?
00:41:39Papa how are you you look terrific God? You're the best Pope we've ever had
00:41:45Rome is all yours you got everything you want so how about this place?
00:41:50Pretty mind-blowing isn't it I?
00:41:53Take it you're in charge of the Vatican finances. Huh somebody's got to do it
00:41:57So what sort of state are the church's finances in?
00:42:03Who wants to know well I do oh
00:42:08It's enough
00:42:10Excuse me Papa
00:42:13What?
00:42:14Yeah, we move on 1145. What do I stutter?
00:42:18Yes, Papa. Do you mind wearing the blue shoes instead of the writers for TV purposes something about the blue and the red?
00:42:24loves the blue
00:42:27Yeah
00:42:30Excuse me Papa. Oh yeah the Vatican millions
00:42:34What did you want to do with them?
00:42:37Well as we both know Cardinal there are a lot of people in the world who are going hungry
00:42:42I'm talking specifically about starving children. Oh
00:42:47Yeah, whereas we live in some splendor
00:42:52Yeah, well, I'd like to start off my papacy in a very positive note by taking all these riches and
00:43:00Giving them to the poor
00:43:02What a great idea
00:43:05Why didn't I think of that which rather brings us to the subject of money
00:43:11Money we're talking cash. Yes. I'd like to set up a special cash fund a
00:43:16Orphan relief fund which I will personally take care of
00:43:21How much do you want well how much can the church afford?
00:43:30Excuse us
00:43:35I
00:43:45Bet we have money inside pissing out
00:43:52Papa your idea about giving all our money to the poor is a great Christian notion fabulous
00:43:58But in the meantime let us not forget that charity begins at home
00:44:05a
00:44:08Hundred-thousand US
00:44:11Well, thank you very much
00:44:15Monsignor Vichy will you send this money to the good sister with my blessing? Oh
00:44:25Just one more thing I'd like to see all the accounts, please
00:44:30This all your fault
00:44:32You assured me you could keep this this simple priest under control. How was I to know he's at the bookkeeping
00:44:37So what are you going to do? Don't worry. I did the books up like the Rosetta Stone the day Pope Pius died
00:44:43In the meantime, we must take precautions
00:44:46You better close that deal with the general before he leaves. Listen, we can't have all that stuff in the Vatican
00:44:51I'm a priest. I'm a cardinal for Christ's sakes. It's already in the Vatican
00:44:56You just get it out
00:44:59I
00:45:04Should have stuck to golf. I could have been a pro
00:45:08Hey, honey, you want to meet the Pope
00:45:13Listen we didn't see it. I can't shift any more deserts to Panama Aldo relax
00:45:20The Pope is setting up a orphan relief fund. We'll shift everything through that
00:45:25Candles various
00:45:28$325,000
00:45:31Floor polish April
00:45:35$5,422
00:45:39Working late Papa. Oh
00:45:41Hello, Bish. How you getting on?
00:45:44Well, just trying to familiarize myself with everything, you know
00:45:48You must be the first pop to look at these books. I wouldn't be at all surprised
00:45:51It's gonna take me about three weeks to look through them, you know, Papa
00:45:54You could save yourself a lot of time if you look at these
00:46:09This is the real cash flow
00:46:14As you can see it flows mostly out
00:46:21What oh, that's nothing
00:46:26Who is this Corelli
00:46:37I'm staying with the Colotta. She's asked me to go riding with her a lot. Oh, oh, yes. Yes. Yes a nice girl
00:46:46Lucia
00:46:47You must promise me to keep away from that pop star. Yes, Papa. I promise
00:47:18Oh
00:47:21Did you get the fish yeah
00:47:23What fish again blue fish? Oh, they're really nice. It's a shame to waste them
00:47:29What the group not a fish?
00:47:44Phil
00:47:47It's a fish with a note on it
00:47:50It's from your dad
00:48:11My name's Veronica Dante
00:48:14I've just been told my son's been blown up. Well, we haven't identified the bodies yet. What's his name?
00:48:21Joe Don Dante
00:48:26Well, you're lucky he's the only one who survived he's on intensive care through there
00:48:43Me
00:48:53Do you know how many puffs have been strangled poised or stabbed since the Romans hung some people by his feet you mean this
00:48:58Session what I'm trying to say poppers. You can't do this thing on your own. Oh, really?
00:49:02Who's side are you on? You're not John Wayne. You're the Pope
00:49:07Knock-knock what are you looking for? I don't know evidence anything
00:49:13Okay, general, this is the deal in return for the Vatican propping up your government for another six months
00:49:18You buy all this stuff through orphanage
00:49:44Oh
00:49:50Really what's their beef they say the Corelli stuff is killing more of them than the dissidents
00:49:55Listen, you got monkeys operating that shit. Of course, they're gonna fuck up. There's nothing wrong with the gear. Check it out rookie
00:50:02What shoot it?
00:50:14What duck
00:50:20There now listen, I got mass in two minutes we're gonna deal away
00:50:24Rocco you shut the hell up
00:50:27It's closest deal, huh?
00:50:28So I could take this up to don't know it's okay and I can take this up to dopey popey upstairs and he can sign
00:50:33The fucker thing that is if he can sign his own name
00:50:37You know PD one. I
00:50:40Tell you this guy we've had some prize turkeys in the throne before but this guy is
00:50:46Rocco
00:50:49He doesn't know shit
00:50:57How you feeling nice of you to drop in like this Oh meet the guys in the mission
00:51:03So, uh, what can I do for you Papa?
00:51:06You're fired Rocco
00:51:09defrocked
00:51:10Excommunicated color what you like you're out
00:51:13Do you know who I am? I'm Cardinal Rocco. You're lucky you're being fed here
00:51:26I'm on the street. I've got no place to live. I got no money. No money
00:51:31What about all that money you took from the orphan belief fund?
00:51:34Oh
00:51:35Blackjack Oh serves you right stealing arms in the Vatican. I'll get smart with me Fiji. He'll be all over your ass next
00:51:48Maybe we should try and get something on his holiness. There must be something murky in his past
00:51:53Oh sure. Maybe he was a serial killer before he became Pope. Everybody's done something Rocco. Nobody's a hundred percent virgin wool
00:52:04I
00:52:08Really need your help a quarter of the population of the world. They're looking to me for leadership. I can't betray them
00:52:17If I carry on with this thing
00:52:19It could bring the church down and yet if I just do nothing obviously the corruption is just gonna get worse
00:52:25but we both know that so I know I shouldn't ask this but I
00:52:30really need a sign
00:52:34I
00:52:49Can't believe you're the Pope
00:52:52well, I'm not really I just it's the only way I could see you and
00:53:03I
00:53:28Somebody killed my daughter
00:53:30That's terrible news, mr. Carelli
00:53:33I'm so sorry. It wasn't my fault. Mr. Carolli was all an accident. Who could have done such a thing. Mr. Carolli
00:53:39That pop singer. I want it out of the way
00:53:42I've heard that my daughter's a different pop group different bomb. I want you to find these men
00:53:49When you found them, I
00:53:51want you to kill them and
00:53:53Then I want you to to cut out their bleeding hearts and
00:53:57Bring them to me
00:54:03Yes, well that may not be very easy mr. Carolli, you know, cuz if you rush things you end up killing innocent bystanders
00:54:10You like we did the last time
00:54:13Listen you kill as many innocent bystanders as you like just get me my daughter's killers. I
00:54:19Want their hearts?
00:54:21Yes, mr. Crowley
00:54:24Yes, mr. Crowley on that plate I said
00:54:37So, this is the papal apartment
00:54:40Obviously
00:54:52Wow, what a great bed. Yes, the sheets are changing Tuesdays and Fridays
00:54:59So, how come the Pope needs such a big bed
00:55:10I
00:55:22Do she oh, that's my nun. She's an absolute angel
00:55:30I'm sure she is. Do you do you mind if I take this off?
00:55:34It's awfully hot in Rome, isn't it?
00:55:44Well, you've done really well for yourself winning the Pope thing all that
00:55:54So, um
00:55:57Is this what you've always wanted?
00:55:59Well, I've always wanted to be a nun
00:56:01This is what you've always wanted well, no it was a mistake really I figured that
00:56:16So, what did you do when you left Rome
00:56:22This is a fabulous bathroom, do you mind if I take a shower my my water's off holy water, right?
00:56:32Yeah, just kidding help yourself
00:56:55So what happened to you did you did you ever marry
00:57:01Oh, so you don't have any kids then
00:57:07Oh
00:57:10How come you never married the guy who was the father of the child or did you not want it that way
00:57:22So, what did you have a boy or a girl
00:57:31Boy oh, oh, that's nice
00:57:42He was yours
00:57:58Don't go out there they'll roar at you
00:58:01Do you know I felt about you asked you to marry me for goodness sake
00:58:07I was only 18. What do you expect? I was just a child myself. So take six lumps. Yeah
00:58:16Anyway, you always said you wanted to be a priest well I did but I wanted you more
00:58:22Now the happiest days of my life, you know
00:58:24And then when you went away, I just took my vows
00:58:28I
00:58:31Would pop now guess you were right
00:58:35Yeah
00:58:37It's a great outfit just a little something I had to run up
00:58:46What is it
00:58:48What is it
00:58:52It's Joe
00:58:55He's in the hospital they
00:59:00They think he's gonna die
00:59:24Where are the hearts
00:59:27Well, he didn't have one mr. Carelli so we made them into a pie
00:59:36Which pie killed my daughter
00:59:42This one yeah, and this one drove the car it's fine you're gonna eat them
00:59:54I'll start with the driver
01:00:06You know, you look a lot like people really
01:00:24Oh
01:00:40God I love you, man
01:00:54You
01:01:16This is our standard rate of interest father, excuse me, but I was told that the interest was
01:01:238.5%
01:01:25This you are only giving me
01:01:28Six, I must get this money to pay it insurance by five o'clock. Can't you make an exception?
01:01:42Sorry, sir, the check won't have been cleared until six, but it's my money. I must have you before you close
01:01:52Oh
01:02:02Get the police
01:02:15What are you doing to my back this is the church's back in the name of our Lord I'm closing you down
01:02:22Lock the back doors. I can't do that, sir. Are you a Catholic? Yes, sir, then lock the doors
01:02:29Now wait, just hold on a moment
01:02:33Now, I'm sure you've got a good reason for feeling the way you do your holiness, but I gotta tell you something
01:02:37I am head of security in this building as long as I wear this uniform
01:02:43This bank stays open
01:02:46Well
01:02:47My friend you have a few precious moments to choose between your job and Christ Almighty
01:02:52Because as long as you wear that uniform in this bank, you are siding with Satan
01:02:56Excuse me, make no mistake about it my friend at this very moment in time
01:02:59You are standing with your feet on the edge of an abyss that separates our Savior from eternal damnation. I've got this money
01:03:05I'm the poor disregard these words and you will be wearing your smart uniform in hell
01:03:09It will suffer the torment of perpetual pain
01:03:15And if you ever want to see your dear
01:03:20Won't they take a check no give this man his money that's the end of it the bank is closed
01:03:35Lock the doors
01:03:38I
01:03:42Didn't you tell me you were pregnant
01:04:08What's
01:04:13Happening why are they shouting at me? You better see this. I've just written some crazy story about you having a kid
01:04:33Has been romantically linked with an American tourist so far
01:04:36The Vatican has maintained a dignified silence on this matter and these rumors could well be on fine
01:04:42Screwed her Harry, please. We are broadcasting here
01:04:53Is this true
01:04:58Abdicate and renounce the throne of Peter
01:05:02Well, they did it the Pope's out he's fired that's it
01:05:06The man they call Pope Dave is out of a job. He's out on the streets. He's yesterday's news
01:05:11He's history and now the weather brought to you by Hitachi brand flakes the fiber. That's fun
01:05:16It's gonna be wet and windy with cloudy showers likely. Hey, I would sleep
01:05:20God knows what
01:05:29Every day is a lifetime
01:05:34Well, since you've been gone
01:05:41Come on I can't take it much longer
01:05:51My heart's getting weak not any stronger
01:05:59Nice to have you back
01:06:02There is nothing in this world like a freshly classic the cartons are going berserk. I
01:06:12Feed people all the time who have no money
01:06:14But any man let alone the Pope who does this to a woman deserves to go hungry
01:06:17The latest from Rome tonight is that former Pope Dave Albanese has sold his exclusive story to a tabloid paper
01:06:25He claims that rock star Joe Don Dandy's mother tried to lure him away from God
01:06:31After he jilted her more than 15 years ago. She's a cop. The Pope is lying Veronica
01:06:47I
01:07:03Wouldn't say anything like that
01:07:07The truth is this guy who somehow
01:07:11warmed his way in here and became Pope
01:07:14Was not the man
01:07:16Chosen by God through you. He was not the real Albany
01:07:39That's right gentlemen and we can thank the Lord that we have right here God's original choice
01:07:46The genuine silver hair Fredo. I dream in Latin. Noah gets my church around
01:08:13Not bad as an office
01:08:17Now who shall be excommunicated first
01:08:32Well a name of the father and the name of the son this boy is heading home
01:08:46I
01:09:17Know
01:09:24What are you doing here where
01:09:31What are you doing in Rome I came to look for you Oh
01:09:35Come on, you shouldn't have done that
01:09:37The mother superior be worried sick about you. She's gone. It's closed. The orphanage is closed
01:09:44Yeah, now you can't send me back
01:09:46I like it
01:09:48Yes, it's a very nice
01:09:50Doorway, do you mind if I join you? Yeah
01:09:53So
01:09:55Maria's had her first communion, of course
01:09:58What about the old gang? Who do you see? What about old Giuseppe's? He's still
01:10:03Making the funny things out of paper that nobody buys
01:10:17Why have you brought
01:10:19Fish
01:10:21It's Friday. We always have fish on Friday. Every Catholic knows that
01:10:26That will change it from now on no fish on Fridays or Thursdays or any other day
01:10:32But I like fish. Anyway, I'm the Pope I can eat what I like
01:10:37According to st. Augustine fish you
01:10:40Buzz off. It's buzz off more senior if you don't mind
01:10:44Buzz off more senior if you don't mind
01:11:08What you got should be enough for a cup of coffee
01:11:14I
01:11:28Have some spaghetti with champ
01:11:35Can I join you
01:11:38I
01:11:49Guess I should have known that you never would have said anything like that because it's never like that between us was a day
01:11:56day
01:11:59Anyway, I have to admit that
01:12:02When I read some of the things that you
01:12:05Never were meant to have said that we didn't really do I wish we had
01:12:12It was kind of like
01:12:14you were not saying something that I thought you said that you didn't and
01:12:19It was almost as though
01:12:21you were just
01:12:23Reading my mind
01:12:28Well
01:12:32Dinners ready
01:12:35I
01:12:57Thanks for
01:13:00I even get a kiss your Holiness
01:13:03I
01:13:27See they found a new Pope what does he look like not as fat as the other one?
01:13:32He's got lovely silver hair
01:13:38What the hell's going on here Corrali
01:13:40I've just been down to the bank all the gold reserves are gone and my name's been taken off the door. I
01:13:47Felt after that rather unpleasant scandal with the bank that perhaps you should take up a long sabbatical
01:13:52Oh, did you you listen to me pal? I'm in charge of the cashier. You can't do this can't Cardinal
01:13:59You say can't to a Pope yes, I like that
01:14:02I'm the Pope kiss Maddie you kiss my ring listen Corrali
01:14:06We had a deal the deal was that I would help you get this dumb fuck in there for a couple years
01:14:10We'd split the Vatican profits, then I'd become Pope
01:14:22Don't shoot people in my apartment now, you're really getting on my nerves
01:14:29Hello TWA
01:14:46Fish
01:14:47That guy that's about to elect Pope he's one of Corrali's men kidding Carl Albini. We're gonna crown him in 20 minutes
01:14:52It's like putting Satan on the throne. We're gonna do something
01:14:56We'll crown him with this
01:14:59Don't buy me guys. I'm just trying to find a nice little place where I could die a disgrace. Could you prop me up?
01:15:12I bet you sorry you got into all this aren't you?
01:15:17I'd better give you your absolution. It's now or never
01:15:22Guess you're right
01:15:24Well we better do the short form because if I was to confess we'd be here all week
01:15:30Basically if you can think of it, I did it
01:15:34And that's your confession is it
01:15:55Repeat after me I
01:15:57Repent my sins. I
01:15:59Repent my sins. I forgive my enemies. I
01:16:04forgive most of my enemies
01:16:07Hey go Tate absolvo
01:16:10Anemus sensuous
01:16:12Could you grab it?
01:16:24Hello, it's a woman. I'm not available. I'm afraid he can't get to the phone right now
01:16:30Mm-hmm. I better take it. I'll never hear
01:16:36It's me
01:16:38Look, I'm gonna have to cancel on you tonight. No, I'm not avoiding you. I
01:16:44Know I canceled on you last week, but the local kids come on
01:16:50Come on honey, you know, I love you
01:16:55Oh women you can't live with
01:17:12They go tabs over bonibus
01:17:24You better get down
01:17:36Stop where's your ticket? I don't need a ticket. I'm the Pope not anymore. You're not
01:17:46Of course I am why do you think I'm wearing this smart uniform
01:17:55Oh
01:18:00Wonder nobody goes to church
01:18:17He's not Albini be quiet be quiet
01:18:24Albini he's the mistake. I am God's choice. Look silver hair
01:18:28You're making an even bigger mistake than you did last time. We didn't want you. You were just a typing error
01:18:34This is our infallible choice
01:18:36the original silver hair to the
01:18:40eye-dreaming lattice a wig
01:18:46There never was a cardinal Albini this man's a madman an arms dealer called Vittoria Corelli
01:18:55Is this true you are not Albini no, I am NOT I
01:19:05Am Pope Vittoria the first emperor of the Vatican you want a strong leader. You've got one
01:19:15No more, mr. Nice Pope, it's back to the good old days get baptized or get
01:19:24Human sacrifices you'll be talking the new crusade
01:19:33I am no typing error. I am the new Papa
01:19:41Come on really neither of us belongs here. I love you Papa. My daughter used to tell me come on. I'll take you home
01:19:50I'll take you home nincompoop
01:19:54Or you hesitate afraid to die
01:19:58See this
01:20:00This rules the world
01:20:02not them
01:20:04not him
01:20:05this and
01:20:07me Pope Vittoria the Chosen One
01:20:24I
01:20:30Well well
01:20:32Perhaps you are God's choice after all I don't think so
01:20:37I'll get him married in Wednesday
01:20:40Congratulations
01:20:42God help you
01:20:54Oh
01:21:07What can I say if you need your car fixed you know where to find me
01:21:11Oh
01:21:18So long bitch, I'll see you Wednesday. Are you coming ain't you gonna need a priest? Oh, yes, of course
01:21:25I'll see you then
01:21:41Oh
01:22:11You
01:22:41You
01:23:12Won't be
01:23:36You know
01:23:41No enchiladas in the icebox
01:23:56Don't bring your business
01:23:59Who's beating on
01:24:02Why don't you come on?
01:24:05speedy speedy
01:24:08How come you leave me all alone
01:24:11I
01:24:41You