Only Murders in the Building S4 Episode 8
Only Murders in the Building Season 4 Episode 8
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00:01Who is Dudenov?
00:03Do you know who's out to get me?
00:04The last person who came around asking these questions got killed.
00:07We're illegally subletting rent-controlled apartments.
00:10Professor Dudenov retired to Portugal, but we send him rent.
00:13The voice of the ham radio...
00:14That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend.
00:16Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
00:17You may have heard about our little firearms moment at the photo shoot.
00:22Glenn, he's still alive!
00:23They got me in my pants!
00:25Dudenov? He's been cashing Social Security checks at a bodega on 125th Street.
00:29There's two left shoulders?
00:31Sazh's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator.
00:34It belongs to Dudenov.
00:37Oliver, I want to marry you.
00:38Whoever's cashing Dudenov's checks is after you.
00:41Your friend Howard says he knows who killed Dudenov.
00:44It wasn't just one person cashing his checks.
00:46He found five different signatures with one phone number.
00:50Hello?
00:54They know.
01:00Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film set entirely in a small boat
01:07filled with disparate characters who learn how far they go
01:11to survive the rough waters of their perilous circumstances.
01:16In New York City, a lifeboat can look a lot like an affordable apartment
01:21in a nice building on the Upper West Side.
01:25Can I go in this way?
01:29Yes.
01:36Well, I can make another take.
01:38I can...
01:40Hey!
01:41Hey, I'll call you back.
01:43You got one of those fancy invites from Dudenov too, huh?
01:46Yeah, it's so murder mystery, like it was delivered by a raven.
01:50Is your eye okay?
01:52Yeah, it's probably just allergies.
01:54Hey, you guys got an invite too.
01:56Yeah, check out this card stock.
01:58He knows we can, like, text, right?
02:02Is someone going to knock already?
02:04Wait for me. Wait for me.
02:06Helga!
02:07I brought you my new girlfriend. I hope that is okay.
02:10Of course. Who would turn away Hammy Faye Baker?
02:13Big yellow blanket.
02:15Sorry.
02:18Oh, hell. Look who it is.
02:21Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.
02:24I'm about to change your lives.
02:28I'm about to change your lives.
02:58I'm about to change your lives.
03:19One thing about choosing a safe house filled with your family...
03:23What's that, Charles?
03:25It makes going home to a building full of murderers more appealing.
03:34Seriously?
03:40No, no, no, Charles. Use your hips. Up and around like a hula hoop.
03:44Do this.
03:45It's not helping.
03:46Would you just let me?
03:47No, I can do it. It's just a problem with the fuselage.
03:50How do neither of you know how to pop the hood of a car?
03:53Because real men hire other men.
03:55Triple A says they're 15 minutes away.
03:57And it's good to leave them something to do because it makes them happy.
04:00You're a real philanthropist. Hang on.
04:03They're calling again. Ignore.
04:07Well, while we're waiting, we should probably do a recap.
04:11Here's what we know so far.
04:13This Dudenov guy has a bunch of rent-controlled units and he moved the Westies in.
04:17Then, even though they need him alive to keep their homes,
04:21they kill and burn him.
04:23And then they cash his checks to cover it up.
04:25And when poor Saz got onto them, they shot her from Dudenov's apartment.
04:28And then they shot at me,
04:30barely missing the most essential person to our investigative work.
04:33I can't believe Vince Fish would do this. He was my Wordle buddy.
04:37Oh, hold on.
04:39Oh, they're FaceTiming us now.
04:42Hello?
04:44Hey guys, so the sexy half of this crime-solving sex tech has some thoughts.
04:49Don't you have to go to rehearsal?
04:51Now that we know that we're indispensable, we cannot leave you alone.
04:54We are professional investigators and you are playing us in a movie because of it.
04:58We are fine on our own.
05:00Hey, can we just mute you for a second?
05:02If you're muting us, we're muting you.
05:04Okay, good. Muting each other.
05:07Are these dum-dums going to ruin this?
05:09Uh, you didn't mute us.
05:11Oh, sorry about that. Mute him now.
05:14What happened? I'm muted.
05:15No, we can still hear you.
05:17Tell you what, let's just not mute.
05:19We need to find someplace safe to plan.
05:21Anywhere but the Arconia.
05:25Okay, I know just the place.
05:32Okay, but how do we get a confession?
05:35Well, I have an idea, but it involves someone.
05:38I swear to God, if you say Tony Danza...
05:40It's Tony Danza.
05:41Eugene, can we go one day without you mentioning Tony Danza?
05:45Hey, come on.
05:50How can my character live here?
05:52The album's not alphabetized.
05:55Oh, nice, nice.
05:58A first edition touching a second edition.
06:01Yeah, brilliant. That's really good.
06:04Oh, really?
06:07Oh.
06:09Okay, so we busted on the Westies with two celebrities and Eugene.
06:13Mm-hmm.
06:14Then what? It's almost go time on the movie,
06:16so I'm gonna pop my cheeks while we spitball.
06:18Can we get back to my idea for a minute?
06:20Because it's so simple.
06:22We invite the Westies to, yes, Tony Danza's 35th annual
06:26It's Time to Wear White Pants extravaganza.
06:29Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of Who's the Boss?
06:33I don't care.
06:34Oh.
06:35Then we tell the sauce family
06:37that Tony wants to start his own line of sauces
06:40called Who's the Sauce?
06:42The Westies will then spill their story
06:44on account of Danza's neighborhood wise-guy charisma.
06:48Danza's the perfect planza.
06:51I love it. I love it.
06:53I would change it slightly and maybe not do it
06:55and instead surprise them with a ding-dong.
06:59No. Say more about the ding-dong.
07:02In soapy TV, a ding-dong is a sexy surprise.
07:06It's like a long-lost brother returns
07:09or your paralyzed uncle starts to walk again after 40 years.
07:13You're overthinking it.
07:14One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff,
07:16and the others are covering for him.
07:18All we need to do is get them talking.
07:20I say that we invite the Westies
07:22to a celebrity-studded, super-sized game
07:25of Oh, Hell at Oliver's.
07:27That's good.
07:28Right, our own turf. The key is to remain calm.
07:30Well, having precise control of our emotions
07:33is what actors do best.
07:35Yeah, the question is, can you three do it?
07:37First of all, I am an actor.
07:39Well, let's not go crazy.
07:40But also, I am entirely capable
07:42of catching the killer of my dear friend
07:44who only wanted to open a trampoline park so young.
07:51I need to lie down.
07:56Where the fuck is my bedroom?
08:02I hope Charles can hold it together.
08:04Confronting a friend's killer
08:06just brings up a lot of shit.
08:12Oh, sorry.
08:14Just tightening my pores
08:16with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 multi-tool.
08:19This is the infrared setting.
08:21Yeah, it's also a nail gun,
08:23has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head.
08:28Hello.
08:29Hi.
08:30Oh, hey, baby.
08:32That's my fiancée.
08:33We're getting married this weekend!
08:36Hello, my darling love.
08:38This weekend.
08:39He's a little old to have a shotgun wedding.
08:41Yeah, more like a musket wedding.
08:47Where'd he go?
08:50Hey, look.
08:51It's also a recorder.
08:54Eva, you're a genius!
08:57Eva, you're a genius!
09:00It has auto-tune.
09:02You want to try it?
09:03No, definitely don't.
09:05I don't want to touch that.
09:09Yeah.
09:10No, no, honey.
09:11I will handle it all.
09:13I know.
09:14It's exciting.
09:15I'll make the arrangements, okay?
09:16I love you, too.
09:17Bye.
09:20Hey, that's my seat.
09:22Oh, of course it is.
09:24I keep forgetting.
09:26Okay.
09:28We're getting married this weekend.
09:29I am.
09:30Please don't tell me you're going to do it at a courthouse.
09:33Weddings demand spectacle.
09:35Music, speeches.
09:36AK-47 shot right up in the air.
09:38Zach, I didn't realize you were a fellow romantic.
09:41Weddings are the most important part of a marriage.
09:44My wife and I get married quarterly.
09:45The venue sets the tone for your life together.
09:48When we want playfulness, we get married at the beach.
09:50If we've been fighting, then it's at the site of an important armistice.
09:54Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David.
09:57We needed a lot of those.
09:59Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine.
10:02She's right.
10:03It's perfect, because you'll be right back there for the divorce.
10:05Zach.
10:06Yes?
10:07We're rehearsing scene 13.
10:08Which one is that one?
10:09The one where Oliver explains why his previous marriage failed.
10:12Oh.
10:17Are you okay, Charles?
10:19I don't think I've ever seen you angry.
10:23And to be honest, it would layer my performance if I could see what it looks like.
10:28Well, yes, I am angry.
10:30And no, you'll not see what it looks like, because it's not socially acceptable.
10:34Eugene, do you want to practice flipping omelets?
10:37Oh, the infamous omelet bit.
10:38Yeah, yeah, good.
10:39Thanks.
10:40I'll practice.
10:41Anyway, I'm curious.
10:42I mean, are you a yeller?
10:44Do you get violent?
10:45Oh, no, worse.
10:46But it hasn't happened in decades because of my emotion suppression technique,
10:51which involves breathing and a lot of room straightening.
10:58Okay.
11:10There you go.
11:15Does this bother you?
11:17No.
11:18Does this bother you?
11:20No.
11:21Does this bother you?
11:23Why are you doing that?
11:25Because this...
11:37Okay, they'll be here any minute.
11:39Now I know we're all running hot.
11:41We have a podcast, two murders, a wedding.
11:44But we're going to stay calm.
11:46Well, we can stay calm way more than you can stay calm.
11:48It's not a competition.
11:49It's now a competition.
11:51I set my sphincter to clenching, unclenching, re-clenching.
11:55It's them.
11:56It's them.
11:57Okay, okay.
11:59Maybe I could throw together a wedding booze cruise.
12:02That's the blueprint you want for your marriage?
12:04You're freezing, you end up nowhere, and the maid of honor fucks the skipper?
12:09Come on, come on, come on.
12:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:17Oh, hello.
12:20We brought snacks.
12:22Can't play cards without jamón.
12:25That's right, mommy.
12:26Okay, well, thanks, guys, for coming.
12:28We figured we'd host since it's a big group.
12:30Oh, please.
12:31Any friends of yours are friends of ours,
12:33especially if they're Hollywood stars.
12:35You can't tell because of the eye patch,
12:37but I'm winking playfully.
12:42Let's go.
12:45You know you know about the checks.
12:47Check your phones now.
13:04So what's your move now, Vince?
13:06You're gonna sit there.
13:07You're gonna listen to our story.
13:09Okay, everyone on my team stay calm.
13:11Although killers do always tell you their story before they kill you.
13:15They're gonna try to humanize themselves with long-origin stories.
13:19Exactly. Like, if we had gone through that,
13:21we would have killed and eaten Dudenov, too.
13:23We didn't eat him.
13:24Yeah, but you killed him, right?
13:27Okay, so Dudenov used to come to our restaurant.
13:32Milton and his wife were regulars until she passed.
13:36Then he started ordering in.
13:38And when we were understaffed, we delivered to him on our way home.
13:42Oh, hell.
13:43He looked so alone in his little studio.
13:46He invited us in. We started playing cards.
13:49Oh, hell. On Friday nights, he started to become a regular pig.
13:54Okay, so the secret ingredient here is jamón ibérico.
14:00Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do.
14:03Oh, thank you.
14:04Our dream, actually, is to start our own line of sauces.
14:07And I know this sounds crazy, but Tony Danza would be an investor.
14:12So you killed him because he didn't deliver the last piece of the dream.
14:18Don't say Tony Danza.
14:20Saucedad said it first.
14:22We didn't kill him.
14:23Never.
14:24We definitely did not kill him.
14:25We loved him.
14:26Then Crazy Rudy killed him.
14:27Crazy? Me?
14:33I don't know why I keep replacing the battery.
14:36Lovely.
14:38I met Professor Dudenov eight years ago.
14:40I was trying to be an actor, I was holding down five jobs, and I signed up for his class.
14:44I remember my first acting class.
14:46It was a film class.
14:47It was in a closet of a basement of a subway stop.
14:50Most of my scene partners were sex workers.
14:53Okay.
14:55One day we watched A Few Good Men in Professor Dudenov's class.
14:59I ran up to him afterwards on the street and I said I'd study the monologue from that film from my previous class.
15:05He asked me to do it, and I did.
15:07And I did.
15:08I did the whole thing right there at the bus stop.
15:10It went something like this.
15:12So?
15:13You want answers?
15:14I think I'm entitled.
15:15You want answers?
15:16I want the truth.
15:17You can't handle the truth.
15:18Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns.
15:22Who's going to do it?
15:23You?
15:24You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
15:25I have a greater responsibility.
15:26I'm sorry, are you going to do the whole monologue?
15:28Yeah, I was going to do the whole thing.
15:30I think it's worth it.
15:32I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
15:35You weep for Santiago.
15:36My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
15:40You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties.
15:44You want me on that wall.
15:46You need me on that wall.
15:47Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post.
15:50Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.
15:53Did you order the Code Red?
15:55I did the job.
15:56Did you order the Code Red?
15:57You're goddamn right I did!
16:00Oh, that was wonderful.
16:03I blew his socks off.
16:05And he invited me back to his place at the Arconia.
16:08That's my jam.
16:09And this, what's this?
16:10Uh, that is a ham radio.
16:12What do you do with a ham radio?
16:14No, it's just a hobby, you know.
16:16Of course, I got my own ham radio.
16:19And ultimately, we all did.
16:21And Professor Dudinoff looked at me.
16:23He said,
16:24You know, you're really very good, Rudy.
16:28That means a lot to me.
16:31Let me ask you something.
16:33If your life were a movie,
16:38what would be your happy ending?
16:40And that's when he touched your Santa sack.
16:43And you had your happy ending.
16:44Eva!
16:45What?
16:46No, I said I wanted to stay in the city,
16:48keep performing, keep trying,
16:50and live with fewer roommates who use towels as toilet paper.
16:54That was my dream.
16:56That was my dream.
16:58So, Charles, that leaves your friend, Vince.
17:03He exposed you to pinkeye, and what did you get?
17:06Lies.
17:07And likely pinkeye.
17:09Come on, doesn't that make you angry?
17:14Oh, I'm fine.
17:16I'm suppressing, and I'm suppressing, and suppressing,
17:20and I'm good.
17:22All right.
17:24Since none of you seem to be on the verge of a psychotic break,
17:29before my wife died, she made me promise
17:31that I wouldn't turn into one of those weird, lonely old men.
17:34And we both love movies,
17:35so when I saw Professor Dudinoff's flyer for his film class,
17:39I thought that this was her way of telling me to go out and make friends.
17:43But, oh, those kids.
17:54You know, the reason It's a Wonderful Life is timeless
18:00comes down to one thing.
18:04Casting.
18:06You know, if you can populate your story with the right people,
18:13your work will live forever.
18:15Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless.
18:18It's pro-capitalist gaslighting.
18:20George Baby's life still sucks, and Potter just gets away with it.
18:23Oh.
18:24No, you missed the point.
18:26George ends up with his family. Potter's all alone.
18:29I like being alone.
18:31Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience,
18:35but being really alone is nothing worse.
18:39You don't smile, you don't laugh,
18:40you stop caring about what food tastes like
18:43because you still wake up alone again without her.
18:48Every class is...
18:49But Dudinoff, him I liked.
18:52Michael, this movie hates trees.
18:54What did they have to be so mad all the time for a dumpster fire?
18:57It sure is.
18:58In this city, you know, kid,
19:01you can't even afford an apartment unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it.
19:05And why can't a movie just be a movie?
19:10Jack Lemmon and the apartment.
19:12And he invited me to join his weekly card game.
19:16I had no idea why he knew we'd click.
19:20But we did.
19:23His wife had been a music teacher back when the city was cheap.
19:26Whenever a unit would open up on their floor, they would grab it.
19:29You know, she'd use it for music classes or, you know,
19:32let a kid stay there if he was going through tough times.
19:36But with her gone,
19:37Professor Dudinoff was living amid an empty hallway.
19:42He just couldn't bear to give up those apartments.
19:46One night, after many hours of oh, hell,
19:51he decided that he wasn't going to turn into one of those weird, lonely old men.
19:59He broke the law for us so that we could have a chance at our dreams.
20:05But he had a dream, too, to live in Portugal.
20:08And he left.
20:10And no, we haven't heard from him since.
20:13And yes, we've been keeping up the ruse and cashing his checks.
20:20So that's the whole thing?
20:22Yeah, we could do it again if you like.
20:24I could do a comedy version if you want.
20:26No, no, no. Thank you.
20:28Okay, I think we're done here.
20:32Not yet.
20:34It's ding-dong time.
20:36You pulled a ding-dong?
20:38It was a good idea.
20:44Helga?
20:48What are you doing here?
20:50Mabel reached out on the ham radio.
20:53I'm here to tell the truth.
20:56We can't handle the truth.
21:04You're Helga?
21:06I imagined you toothless with a club.
21:09Disregard him, Helga.
21:11Brain is covered with plaque.
21:13Please go on.
21:15I first met Dudunov when I had just become a locksmith,
21:18which was my childhood dream.
21:20Hey, really?
21:21No.
21:22Do I look like a locksmith?
21:24I'm hot.
21:25So my father died and left me the business.
21:29He was all I had until I met Dudunov.
21:41You know, it's before your time,
21:43but that's the theme song to...
21:45It's Perfect Strangers, yes?
21:47Oh, no.
21:48Yes.
21:50Yeah.
21:51You know, I've never met anyone
21:52who loses their keys this often.
21:54Some people your age put it on a retractable belt.
21:58It's not dementia.
22:00I always lose my keys.
22:02My wife used to let me in, but...
22:07Okay.
22:09Ah, look at that.
22:11So, what is a code that someone your age can remember?
22:16How about, um...
22:19Oh, hell.
22:21Wait, like the card game?
22:23You know it?
22:24My father and I used to play all the time.
22:27I haven't since he died.
22:29I'm sorry, you just look so much like him.
22:33Except he was tall and blond and hot.
22:39Oh, hell, Perfect Strangers.
22:43Huh.
22:45You know, we have this little card game Friday nights.
22:50And that is how I met the gang.
22:53Why not?
22:55Yeah, I was there, too.
22:57I'm sure they didn't mention that.
23:00Wow.
23:01Yeah.
23:02At first, they were the nicest group of people I had met in New York City.
23:06A place I had always wanted to call home.
23:09Helga, so where do you live, honey?
23:12It's a wonderful little hovel.
23:14It's only 85 train stops away.
23:16You'd love it.
23:17Then he gave us these nice, cheap apartments,
23:20and he turned a bunch of Perfect Strangers into a family.
23:25But a few years later...
23:29he was gone.
23:32Said he felt bad doing it in a note, but he'd had enough of goodbyes.
23:37He was off to Portugal.
23:39After helping us with our dreams, he wanted to live his.
23:48I knew the power only surged when the old incinerator was used,
23:52but I didn't suspect anything.
23:54Yet.
23:56Suddenly, we all remembered.
23:58Yet.
24:00Suddenly, we all went from talking every day to nothing.
24:04Total silence.
24:06And then your podcast started.
24:08One thing was for sure.
24:10Someone in the Arconia was hiding something.
24:12A homicidal freak who poisoned a perfect, if gassy, dog.
24:18Everyone was acting so secretive.
24:20Helga!
24:21I listened to the podcast.
24:23All those unexplained things someone in the building was doing to scare you.
24:27What if it was them?
24:29Trying to cover up what they had done.
24:31Let's play cards.
24:33And I started to wonder.
24:35Yeah, yeah.
24:37Please.
24:39Why did the power surge that night?
24:42I couldn't prove they had anything to do with Dudanov's disappearance.
24:47But I knew in my bones.
24:49I had to move out.
24:51They killed him.
24:52We didn't.
24:53No, no. He went to Portugal.
24:55Dead men don't send ham.
24:56Then what's this?
24:58I can't see.
25:00I actually don't know. What is that?
25:02Dudanov's prosthetic shoulder.
25:04It was in the incinerator.
25:06You killed and burned him that night.
25:08And when Sass figured it out, you killed and burned her, too.
25:10And when we tried to look into that, you tried to kill me.
25:13Yeah, another way to put that is you actually shot me.
25:16What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing?
25:18These people are murderers.
25:20Tired of being the nice guy here with no temper.
25:24I'm a Canadian man connected to his rage right now.
25:29And God, it feels so good.
25:33Charles, tantrum with me.
25:36No, no, no.
25:38They incinerated your friend, Charles.
25:40No.
25:41And then plied you with word games from the New York Times.
25:47So far, I'm underwhelmed.
25:52Uh-huh. Yes.
25:54Interesting.
25:56Is this how I find out he's a mime?
25:58No, no, no. We can't hear him, but I'm so tuned in to his character,
26:00I can feel his words.
26:02He's saying...
26:06These people killed Sass.
26:08I am Steve.
26:10I am Steve.
26:12I am Steve.
26:14Because I am steamed and put out to some degree.
26:20Oh, the hell with this. Give me that.
26:22Helga!
26:24You're not the only one who got a note the night that Dudenhof died.
26:28Now, everybody, come with me.
26:31Come on.
26:42We all got notes that night.
26:45Only ours were different.
26:49You are cordially invited to my funeral.
26:52Midnight, in the basement.
26:54Don't tell Helga.
26:56What the fuck? Funeral?
26:58I don't like it.
27:00Let's go.
27:16Hey!
27:18What's going on?
27:20Okay.
27:22Hey, can I just talk? Can I?
27:24Yeah, of course.
27:26Uh, so, you know I'm always saying a movie is only as good as its cast.
27:32Now, I'm just a teacher.
27:34I never got to make my own movie.
27:38But I'll tell you this.
27:40If our lives were a movie,
27:44I'd cast the shit out of this one.
27:49Professor, what exactly are we doing here?
27:53Well, um...
27:56I have some medical news.
27:59Um...
28:01I'm an old guy, so, you know,
28:03it's not like terms of endearment said or anything,
28:06but, you know, I...
28:08They tell me I've only got a few months.
28:11What?
28:12So, oh, oh, oh,
28:14you know, when I'm gone,
28:18this building, they're gonna swoop in
28:20and, you know, tear our cast apart.
28:24But I have a workaround.
28:27And, um...
28:30And it's that you will all keep me alive.
28:36Well, I mean, actually, no,
28:39because I've just taken a hell of a lot of pills.
28:42Professor, I want you tonight
28:45to put my body in the incinerator.
28:48Yes, yes!
28:50And then I want you to cash my social security checks,
28:54and I want you to tell everybody I just moved to Portugal.
29:00And you...
29:02You can't tell Helga.
29:04Look, I'm just gonna record a message, you know,
29:07in case, uh, you know,
29:09she finds out and then she won't blame you.
29:12We can call an ambulance.
29:13Come on, let me do this.
29:14Just let me do this.
29:17Please.
29:18And then, you know, afterwards,
29:19then let's just go hug and shit, okay?
29:21Okay.
29:22Hey, so, Fence, come on.
29:25Chop, chop, let's shoot this thing.
29:28Come on, one take.
29:35It's okay.
29:36It's okay, it's okay.
29:48Hey, Helga.
29:50I know, you're angry.
29:52But, you know, you had such a, uh,
29:55hard time bouncing back after your death
29:57that I had this stupid thought
30:01that maybe I could shield you from another death.
30:06But if you're watching this,
30:07then, you know, my master plan has gone to hell.
30:11And hopefully I haven't.
30:13What can a guy do but try, right?
30:16Here's looking at you, kid.
30:24We're so sorry, baby.
30:27Yeah.
30:28It's what he wanted, to keep us all together.
30:32Move on back in with us, please.
30:35Please.
30:36It is the only place in New York where I can have a pig.
30:40Wait, Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend?
30:45Oh, is that another lie?
30:46Yeah, in addition to setting a human on fire,
30:49we also lied about me having a girlfriend.
30:52May God have mercy.
31:04So, these are not murders.
31:06No, but we've got one hell of a podcast.
31:10And, yes, we've been keeping up the ruse and...
31:14Oh, God.
31:15Cashing his checks.
31:16We're going to jail.
31:18Well, no, you're not.
31:21Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos
31:24living in the Arconia.
31:26The podcast brought us together.
31:28I don't want to use it to tear them apart.
31:35So, humanity's more important to you than the podcast.
31:39What a revelation.
31:43Okay, what if it's not three losers,
31:45but, like, a family of losers
31:47who wants to make the world a better place
31:49before two of them die?
31:51That's one way to look at it.
31:53Yeah, well, I have more. You want to hear more?
31:55Speaking of family, I should tell you
31:58that I had my assistant's assistant
32:00book you a wedding atop the Empire State Building
32:04encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons.
32:06No, no.
32:07Don't worry, I'm gonna... I'll pay for it.
32:09I wish I could tell you this gives me joy,
32:12but it doesn't.
32:14You are not the romantic I thought you were,
32:16and I don't know how I'm gonna play you
32:18or respect you.
32:20So, here we are.
32:23Well, thank you, Zachary, for those lovely words.
32:27But Loretta and I shall marry here,
32:30in the Arconia.
32:32This is where we fell in love,
32:35and I want a marriage where we fall in love
32:38every day for the rest of our very long lives.
32:43You adorable bologna loaf.
32:48You beautiful bitchy bologna loaf.
32:54Do you know what a bologna loaf is?
33:00You are romantic.
33:05You got me in touch with my emotions.
33:08Well, it was an honor playing a small part
33:11in bringing out your true self.
33:13And Charles, I won't alienate your audience
33:16by putting any of it on film.
33:23Hi.
33:24Hi.
33:25Hi.
33:29You good?
33:30Yeah, I'm good.
33:35Whether or not everyone makes it back to shore
33:37in the movie Lifeboat,
33:45I'll leave for you to discover.
33:48But what the film is really about
33:50is found families
33:52fighting together for their survival
33:55in waters that can be really tough to get through
33:58if you're all alone.
34:06In the end, there was no murder in the West Tower,
34:10just a guy who moved to Portugal
34:12and made a family out of strangers.
34:15Well, found family,
34:17we buried a great podcast story
34:19and are back to square one.
34:24Why can't we ever get a ding-dong
34:26when we run out of leads?
34:28Oh, a knock-knock ding-dong.
34:31I think he's got any gut milk in there.
34:33I already checked the fridge.
34:34He just has beer.
34:36Look who's here.
34:38Oh, hey, Helga.
34:39I see you got your pig back.
34:41Yes, I am grateful to the angry man
34:43who reluctantly returned her to me.
34:45I think his name is Howard.
34:47I didn't want to bring it up among the reunions,
34:50but I wanted to tell you something
34:52about your friend, Sally.
34:54Oh, I see.
34:56I'm sorry.
34:58But I wanted to tell you something
35:00about your friend, Saz.
35:02Wait, you actually knew her?
35:04Yes, she was on the ham radio
35:06asking about all these huge plot holes
35:08you had in your podcast.
35:10Not holes.
35:11Oh, you're how Saz knew about
35:13all the West Tower stuff in her notes.
35:15There was another thing, though.
35:17She talked about a stuntman on a movie
35:19called Project Ronkonkoma.
35:21She said he was her protege,
35:23but that he had messed up pretty badly
35:25and he was harassing her.
35:27She said, he's dangerous
35:29and he's gonna be the death of me.
35:31What's Project Ronkonkoma?
35:33Check IMDB. That's her website.
35:35I know what IMDB is.
35:37My agent says she's gonna get me on it.
35:39Here we go. Project Ronkonkoma.
35:41Who's the stunt person?
35:43Is it someone we can talk to?
35:45Not exactly.
35:57Who's the stunt person?
35:59Is it someone we can talk to?
36:01Not exactly.
36:03Who's the stunt person?
36:05Is it someone we can talk to?
36:07Not exactly.
36:09Who's the stunt person?
36:11Is it someone we can talk to?
36:13Not exactly.
36:15Who's the stunt person?
36:17Is it someone we can talk to?
36:19Not exactly.
36:21Who's the stunt person?
36:23Is it someone we can talk to?
36:25Not exactly.
36:27Who's the stunt person?
36:29Is it someone we can talk to?
36:31Not exactly.
36:33Who's the stunt person?
36:35Is it someone we can talk to?
36:37Not exactly.
36:39Who's the stunt person?
36:41Is it someone we can talk to?
36:43Not exactly.
36:45Who's the stunt person?
36:47Is it someone we can talk to?
36:49Not exactly.
36:55Who's the stunt person?
36:57Is it someone we can talk to?
36:59Not exactly.
37:01Who's the stunt person?
37:03Is it someone we can talk to?
37:05Not exactly.
37:07Who's the stunt person?
37:09Is it someone we can talk to?
37:11Not exactly.
37:13Who's the stunt person?
37:15Is it someone we can talk to?
37:17Not exactly.
37:19Who's the stunt person?
37:21Is it someone we can talk to?