Mad About You : Pilot
Season 1 Ep 1
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
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00:30zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
00:36Nhoot!
00:39What could you possibly have in your nose I don't have?
00:43I mean, was I snoring?
00:44I can't believe you're alive!
00:47God, I dreamt we were really good friends with Dean Martin
00:50TN-645 on a completely gross Friday morning in New York,
00:54Lincoln Tunnel is...
00:56Why do we let this man in our bedroom?
01:00Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
01:05I think I'm pregnant.
01:07Just kidding.
01:10Make the coffee.
01:20TN-645 on a completely gross Friday morning in New York,
01:24Lincoln Tunnel is...
01:26Why do we let this man in our bedroom?
01:29Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
01:32Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
01:35TN-645 on a completely gross Friday morning in New York,
01:39Lincoln Tunnel is...
01:41Why do we let this man in our bedroom?
01:44Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
01:47Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
01:49TN-645 on a completely gross Friday morning in New York,
01:53Lincoln Tunnel is...
01:55Why do we let this man in our bedroom?
01:58Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
02:01Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
02:04TN-645 on a completely gross Friday morning in New York,
02:08Lincoln Tunnel is...
02:10Why do we let this man in our bedroom?
02:13Can we run the shower and make the coffee?
02:17Fathob overjoyed
02:24Honey, we need in five seconds.
02:25Not waiting for me?
02:26If we're not on the subway by eight,
02:27well, the no-sticky seats are taken.
02:29Listen. You don't have to pick up the dry-cleaning today.
02:31OK, how come?
02:32I never took it in.
02:33It's still sitting in a shopping bag under my desk.
02:36In your office?
02:38I forgot it.
02:39Our dry-cleaning is in your of..
02:39Honey, people walk by there.
02:40Strangers.
02:41You know, they look under your desk.
02:43Can they see my soft garments?
02:45on display, they're under my desk.
02:48Yeah, you know what I'm saying,
02:48somebody drops a pencil, it rolls under your desk.
02:51Next thing you know, some guy I never met's
02:52walking around with my pants on his head, you know.
02:55How good could I feel about something like that?
02:58It doesn't bother you that we haven't had sex in five days?
03:02Hello?
03:04I just don't understand why it doesn't bother you,
03:06it's been almost a week.
03:08It's not a week.
03:09Sunday will be a week, what's going on with us?
03:12What's going on is that we're married five months
03:14and the sexual part is over.
03:16See, I thought you understood that, I'm sorry.
03:21That's what happens now.
03:23I play checkers in the park
03:24and you start arguing with buses, come on.
03:27It's not funny.
03:28Serious?
03:29I'm very serious, what's going on with us?
03:31Nothing is going on, it's just, it's stuff happens.
03:35What stuff?
03:36Stuff, life stuff, my life, your life.
03:38Look, Monday I was editing film till two in the morning
03:40and then Tuesday you had the conference thing
03:43and then we saw my parents, which, you know.
03:48Killed the mood Wednesday
03:49and frankly sucked the life out of me Thursday, so.
03:54So there you go, there's your week right there.
03:56What can I say, I'm a woman, I have needs.
03:59I understand.
04:00I'm young.
04:00No one's arguing.
04:01I'm vital.
04:02And beautiful.
04:03Are my ears too big for my head?
04:04And very neurotic.
04:05No, seriously, is my head getting smaller?
04:08You know, I didn't want to say anything, but yes,
04:10and for some time now.
04:11Stop.
04:13Tonight, can we just do nothing?
04:16Really?
04:16Really.
04:17Don't toy with me, white boy.
04:19I'm serious.
04:20Listen, tonight, we'll both come home early
04:22and we'll, you know, we'll have dinner.
04:25And sex.
04:27I really think we should have sex.
04:31Can I please finish?
04:32We have dinner at seven, figure four, play 8.15.
04:36If we're naked at 8.30, we're, you know,
04:38wheezing and sweating at nine.
04:40Perfect.
04:42I'm gonna make lasagna.
04:43Ooh, you can do that?
04:44Well, I can try.
04:45We can open that nice wine we got from Fran and Mark.
04:49Oh, no.
04:49What?
04:50Fran and Mark.
04:51We're having dinner with Fran and Mark.
04:53What are you talking about?
04:53We have plans.
04:54I had no knowledge of this.
04:55Yes, you did.
04:58What?
04:59You never said anything.
05:00Last Friday, as we left the apartment,
05:02you said, what are we doing for dinner?
05:03I said, we have no plans.
05:04But the next Friday, we're seeing Fran and Mark.
05:10What?
05:12You were out of town last Friday.
05:14Damn it.
05:16But a nice try.
05:17That was really good.
05:18So great, what are we gonna do?
05:19We blow them off.
05:20That's not nice.
05:21We're always canceling on them.
05:22Yeah, because we don't like them.
05:23But they're such good friends.
05:24Just call Fran, tell her that we can't do it.
05:27You call her.
05:28You should, she's your friend.
05:29Besides, you're much better at that kind of thing.
05:30Can we just discuss it in the elevator, please?
05:36What, what is it now?
05:37I just have to leave the window open for the dog.
05:39Honey, it's an apartment.
05:42It's not a Volvo.
05:42Why do we go through this?
05:43Because the kid who walks in can't get up here
05:46till three and the heat's on.
05:47Yeah, but...
05:54A burglar is not gonna climb up 11 stories.
05:58Cat burglars, that's all they do.
05:59They climb and they steal.
06:00Oh, honey, come on.
06:01If we're out of here in two seconds,
06:02I'm going in your closet.
06:03I'm moving all your clothes around.
06:08How does that mean I don't like your outfit?
06:09You don't.
06:10I love your outfit.
06:11Wait a minute.
06:12Oh, you're out of your mind.
06:19See, this is why you guys are so good together.
06:22Why?
06:23Because you make time for each other.
06:25Mom and Dad never did that.
06:27Does this look like enough to you?
06:29Well, I'm not that hungry.
06:32Oh, did you wanna stay?
06:35No, no.
06:37I'm not gonna interfere with your date.
06:39Besides, I already have plans.
06:41Anything good?
06:43I'm gonna wallow.
06:45Why?
06:46Because you got the husband and the good hair.
06:47Stop it.
06:49I broke up with Arthur, that creep from Fort Lee.
06:53Oh, the one who looks like William Devane?
06:56Willem Dafoe.
06:57William Devane?
06:59Who am I, Mom?
07:00What happened?
07:02I don't even wanna talk about it.
07:04He just doesn't wanna get married again.
07:06So neither do you.
07:07Yeah, but he doesn't even wanna date.
07:09He says he likes me too much to date.
07:12Likes you too much to date?
07:13Where do you meet these people?
07:15Hey, that's what's out there.
07:16Trust me, you married the perfect guy.
07:18Oh, yeah, unless you're like, you know,
07:20sitting in a restaurant, starving to death,
07:22waiting to order.
07:23I'm thinking soup, but...
07:30They only have bisque, and I'm uneasy with bisque.
07:33I don't know why.
07:38Believe me, nothing's perfect.
07:44Oops.
07:49You're gonna serve that now?
07:50No, not till about seven.
07:54Ooh, look, a cute girl.
07:57Look at you guys.
08:00Lisa, hi.
08:02Don't worry, I'm not staying.
08:03What?
08:04I'm not staying.
08:05No, hey, sure, hey, whatever, sure.
08:08How's everything, good?
08:09The, how's the guy from Fort Lee?
08:12More importantly, how is the new car running, good?
08:15Oh, they stole my stereo and slashed the seats.
08:18No.
08:19Where?
08:20I was at Roosevelt Hospital
08:21the night I had my panic attack.
08:23Yeah, but you're insured, right?
08:25I forgot to send in my premium.
08:27Hey, who needs insurance
08:29as long as you got your health, right?
08:33And I'm getting my period, again.
08:37Oh, look what happened here.
08:39Would you excuse me for one minute?
08:46Subtle, what?
08:47What?
08:48What, what is she doing here?
08:49We're supposed to have foreplay in 11 minutes.
08:53She just got dumped, she's so depressed.
08:55Lisa depressed, really?
08:57What was I supposed to do, not let her come over?
08:59You know, if I walked in here tonight with Shelby,
09:01you, you would have gone nuts.
09:02Well, that's different.
09:04Why, why is that different?
09:05Because she's my sister and he's over here
09:08every night of our life.
09:09And she's not, right?
09:10You know, tonight was supposed to be you and me.
09:13That was the whole purpose for it.
09:14Okay, if it means that much to you,
09:15I'll ask her to leave.
09:16Who are you calling?
09:17Shelby, what's up?
09:18Don't you dare.
09:20Lasagna?
09:21Is it vegetarian?
09:22Cause he won't eat that.
09:24If he comes over, I'm walking out of here.
09:26No, why would she mind?
09:27He'll be crazy.
09:27Seriously, I'll go out with my sister.
09:29Where, to do what?
09:30Wherever, to do whatever I want.
09:32We'll see you when you get here.
09:34Great.
09:35Well, so much for our evening alone.
09:38It don't look too good right now.
09:40Why don't you just marry Shelby?
09:42You'll probably be a lot happier.
09:43Hey, hey, send your sister home.
09:45I'll call off Shelby right now.
09:46You are so cruel.
09:47I'm cruel?
09:48That's, that's interesting.
09:50I'm, I'm cruel.
09:56Tell me that you called Fran and Mark.
09:57You said you were gonna call.
09:58I did, you said I would.
09:59Forget it.
10:00Don't tell me to forget.
10:01Who invites them?
10:02Did I?
10:03That's not the point.
10:04Who complains that we don't spend time together, huh?
10:05Well, I changed my mind.
10:06I see.
10:07I don't even wanna have a relationship with you.
10:08Oh, that's very nice.
10:10Hi!
10:18Honey, can I say something?
10:22Flat isn't always more.
10:26We have enough, we're gonna have enough.
10:28The only one who's gonna eat is Shelby.
10:30You know, I had a big lunch and Lisa's dieting
10:32and Mark and Fran are gonna split a piece, you know?
10:34And you're not gonna eat anyway,
10:35cause you're mad.
10:36I'm not mad.
10:39Well, now, I feel like I should go home and change clothes.
10:42I mean, I didn't realize you were having people over.
10:43Well, neither did we.
10:46Are you guys fighting?
10:47We're not fighting.
10:48This is just how we live.
10:49Don't mind me.
10:50I just need ice.
10:51Maybe you could chip some off my wife's mood.
10:54Ow!
10:55Oh, I'm sorry.
10:56You have no ice?
10:58That's the one thing I asked you to do.
11:01Shelby said that he is bringing the ice.
11:04Well, Shelby isn't here yet.
11:05Yes, he is.
11:06He just walked in.
11:07And he's already torturing my husband.
11:11Seriously.
11:12What?
11:13How often you cheat on Fran?
11:15What?
11:17Come on, you could tell me man to man.
11:19I don't have a question in that.
11:21Is Fran still seeing that transit cop?
11:23What?
11:24Come on, come here.
11:26I'll be back.
11:28What's going on?
11:30I told you to bring ice, but you forgot it in the cab.
11:32Got it.
11:34How do you forget ice in a cab?
11:37I don't know.
11:38I'm such a jerk.
11:40The driver, he had one of those little coolers
11:42in the front seat.
11:43And what'd you get?
11:44And I asked him to keep it up there for me
11:45so it wouldn't melt.
11:47Like a dope I forgot.
11:49You guys are like the Abbott and Costello of liars.
11:55She's tough.
11:56Very tough.
11:58Okay.
11:59Hey, looks like the party's in here.
12:03I love this.
12:04This always happens.
12:05Why do people congregate in the kitchen?
12:08You know what?
12:09Because nobody wants to see,
12:10get out so I can fight with my spouse in private.
12:14I got the cheese.
12:15I have a plate.
12:17Oh, man.
12:25Mark, could you bring these inside, please?
12:30No problem.
12:34Come on, James.
12:35Let's start the salad.
12:36Fran, Paul and I need a second.
12:38Oh.
12:39Are you okay?
12:40Mm-hmm.
12:41Is everything all right?
12:44Can I help?
12:48Give these to Mark.
12:51He knows where they got.
12:52Yes.
12:54Yes, he does.
13:01I'm definitely gonna call them if I ever move.
13:05You move.
13:06What?
13:07No, sorry.
13:08We.
13:09If we move, okay?
13:10Kill me because I said I instead of we.
13:11Yeah, you know why I said that?
13:12Because subliminally that means I hate you, which, ow!
13:16There's a magnet in the thing.
13:17I just don't know why this is all so hard.
13:19What?
13:20This, everything.
13:21Marriage, it's supposed to be different than this.
13:24Says who?
13:25Everyone.
13:26Well, they're wrong.
13:27It's just like this.
13:29It's exactly, it's exactly like this.
13:31According to who?
13:32Everybody.
13:32I asked around.
13:35Look, there's always,
13:37there's always gonna be stuff, you know?
13:38But that's, I put up with your crap
13:40and you put up with my crap.
13:41That's marriage?
13:43This is what I'm thinking.
13:47Great.
13:48Look, all I know is that if we keep this up,
13:51we're gonna die.
13:52Because I'm either gonna burst into flames
13:54or I'm gonna strangle you.
13:55And I really don't want to do either one.
13:57What do you want?
13:58I just, I want, I just want to be married to you.
14:04What if this lasagna sucks?
14:07What if it doesn't?
14:11What if they've come?
14:17More.
14:18Come on.
14:25There's people out there.
14:27Ain't got enough chips to keep them occupied.
14:32Come here.
14:34What are you doing?
14:35Come here.
14:35Hey.
14:36Come here.
14:37Hey.
14:41There's people out there.
14:47Nobody come in here for a while.
14:49It's a big surprise.
14:59You don't scare me.
15:05Listen.
15:07What do you think the surprise is?
15:09Well, you see, I know what it is, but I can't tell you.
15:11You know?
15:12What, they told you?
15:14No, no.
15:15No, no.
15:16Who told you, Pa?
15:17Come on, you're making me uncomfortable here.
15:24Do you think this makes me a bad hostess?
15:26Not at all.
15:28Can you imagine if Fran walked in?
15:30Honey, Fran is not the image I need right now.
15:33Sorry.
15:35It's probably a big deal over nothing.
15:38The first few times we had people over,
15:40the littlest things can set you off.
15:42If I told you I once cried
15:44because I didn't have a gravy boat,
15:45would you believe me?
15:49Are you sure Jamie doesn't like that?
15:51Because the last time we were here,
15:53the silver was next to the plates.
15:56She just switched to this method last week.
16:10There's a very sharp corner digging right in my thigh.
16:14Our next table has to be a king.
16:23They're probably baking.
16:25Fran?
16:26I'm not sure.
16:29I've heard baking before.
16:31It doesn't sound like that.
16:33Fran?
16:35Of course.
16:36My birthday two weeks ago.
16:38If she is baking me a cake, I will absolutely kill her.
16:41Fran, you can't go in there.
16:46Are you two okay?
16:55You know, speed is usually considered
16:57a bad thing in this event.
17:00This is the most fun we've ever had
17:01with Fran and Mark here.
17:07This was great.
17:09This was great.
17:11We have to do it again.
17:12And soon?
17:13Well, as soon as humanly possible.
17:15Oh, did we tell you guys?
17:16We're going on a cruise.
17:17That's wonderful.
17:18Where and when?
17:19End of the month, Puerto Vallarta, eight days.
17:21Oh, that's nice.
17:22A fellow in my office once said it was fantastic.
17:25The food, the weather, unbelievable.
17:27You guys should come with us.
17:28No, we couldn't.
17:29No, don't be silly.
17:31We'd love it.
17:32It'd be nice to have the company.
17:34Fran?
17:36More company.
17:37More company for the two of us, for both of us.
17:40Two couples.
17:40For both, two couples.
17:43Okay, okay, yeah, okay.
17:44You misunderstood me.
17:45Okay, because they can't just pack up
17:48and leave right away, right?
17:49You know, it's funny because we can't.
17:51The end of the month is perfect for us.
17:56Fran?
17:57You get yourself into these things.
17:59We're going alone.
18:01We're gonna go alone
18:02because I think it's romantic that way.
18:04We're looking forward, but I understand.
18:07Okay, I'm going.
18:08Would you please take a cab?
18:10Oh, come on.
18:11The subway's faster.
18:11Honey, the subway is full of degenerates.
18:14Well, how am I gonna meet anyone if I take a cab?
18:17Fran, we're putting her in a cab.
18:18No, no, no.
18:32Ooh, gee, is it 11.15 already?
18:36Oh, oh yeah.
18:37Oh, no, go to bed.
18:40Thanks for dinner, Selmie.
18:42Don't mention it.
18:44Can you believe this?
18:46How can they not realize that Clark Kent is Superman?
18:49These people are reporters.
18:52What's going on tomorrow?
18:53Oh, I think I'm supposed to go out with that girl, Dora.
18:56The dancer?
18:57Unbelievable legs.
18:58Ouch.
18:59Very muscular.
19:00What do you got to hurt me?
19:01Got her sister, too.
19:02Stop it.
19:03Honey, coming to bed?
19:06Man, it's like a work whistle.
19:10Very easy to make fun, isn't it?
19:12Let me tell you something.
19:13Someday, you are gonna hear a voice just like that,
19:16and amazingly enough, you are gonna say,
19:19in a second, sweetie.
19:21And you two will shove your best friend out the door
19:24and go to bed.
19:25You sure you don't want to do something?
19:27I love chest hair.
19:29Hey, what you have there is plenty good.
19:32No point in us both having the same thing.
19:36I think my sister knew.
19:38Yeah, I think Selbie knew.
19:40How?
19:41I told him.
19:42What?
19:43No guy does that without telling somebody.
19:51I'm sorry.
19:52I'm sorry.
19:53I'm sorry.
19:54I'm sorry.
19:55I'm sorry.
19:57I guess we haven't lost the magic, huh?
19:59Well, for tonight, we have.
20:01I know what I mean.
20:03See, now I'm afraid you might be out of things to worry about.
20:09I love you.
20:11I love you more.
20:27Are we having Thanksgiving with your parents or mine?
20:30I thought I'd just come visit you at the institution.
20:56In front!