Season 1 Episode 21
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.
00:10Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her. She was a sister who really cooked.
00:17Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?
00:22Oh, yeah!
00:24And when the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.
00:29And then there's Maude.
00:41That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizer, right on Maude.
00:48Everybody!
00:54Martilda!
00:56Chicky-chicky-bum-bum!
00:57Martilda!
00:59Chicky-chicky-bum-bum!
01:00Martilda!
01:01She'd take me money and run Venezuela!
01:04Sing a little louder!
01:05Martilda!
01:08Martilda!
01:09Chicky-chicky-bum-bum!
01:11Martilda!
01:12She'd take me money and run Venezuela!
01:15Sing a little softer!
01:18How about a limbo?
01:20How about a limbo?
01:22Martilda!
01:23She'd take me money and run Venezuela!
01:26A limbo!
01:27Martilda!
01:28Chicky-chicky-bum-bum!
01:29Martilda!
01:30Martilda!
01:31Chicky-chicky-bum-bum!
01:32Martilda!
01:33Ouch!
01:34Chicky-chicky-bum-bum!
01:35She'd take me money and run Venezuela!
01:37Come on!
01:38Come on now! If I couldn't do it in Jamaica, I certainly can't do it here.
01:41Try a little harder!
01:43Calypso Joe on Island say trim ship with big stacks can't go under low bridge
01:50Coward! Coward!
01:51Ma, till does she take me money and she run Venezuela
02:01In answer to thousands of requests, I will once more present to you
02:05my impersonation of the one and only Harry Belafonte
02:10No! No!
02:11Dale! Dale!
02:16Walter, we have all seen your belly button, just put it away
02:21After two weeks in Jamaica, Walter, I think I know your navel as well as my own
02:26It's an INSY, right?
02:28Wrong! Walter's belly button is definitely an OUTSY
02:31No, well you can't both be right
02:33What is it?
02:35One more time, come on
02:38All right, come on Flash, let's see it
02:41Well, I'll be damned
02:44It's half in and half out
02:47Leave it to my Walter to have a unique see
02:51Oh boy, you know, I think that this vacation was the best one we ever had
02:57How many does this make we've spent together now? Is this four or five?
03:01Five, I think
03:03Let's see
03:04Our first year, we went to Las Vegas
03:06Walter and I played golf every day and you two hung around the slot machines and you lost your shirts
03:11Yeah
03:12And then the next year we went to the Virgin Islands
03:14Well, we sure didn't lose anything there
03:20And then the following year, we went to Hawaii, Chuck
03:23Do you remember when we went deep sea fishing and you got so seasick?
03:27Oh yes, I can still see him lying there on the deck of that boat moaning away, poor Chuck
03:33Chuck, me trying to get you to go below
03:36And then when you said up, Chuck, he did
03:41Oh golly, we've had some marvelous times together, the four of us
03:44Yeah, so that's the secret, Maude, the four of us
03:47Because you and Chuck are such a ball to be with
03:50Oh no, Walter, well no, it's because we got lucky when Maude finally decided to marry you
03:54Right
03:55Get out
03:56No, it's true, it's true, we just couldn't make it with those other three guys
03:59Albert, for example, oh, he was a first-class creep
04:03Albert? A creep? Oh, come on, Chuck, that's not fair
04:07He wasn't a first-class anything
04:12Well, anyhow, no matter how much we all four love each other, we two have got to go home
04:16Oh no, you don't
04:18One last drink
04:20You kids fix the drinks and I'll get us some food
04:23I think I have some bologna and cheese in the fridge
04:25Walter, Walter, Walter, no, really, we got to go
04:31Boy, they really are too much, aren't they?
04:34Aren't they the greatest?
04:35Now, I'll tell you who's really too much, you
04:39Oh, Viv, what are you talking about? Little old me?
04:42Yeah
04:43No, I'm just an ordinary guy with very superior intelligence, supreme wit, great legs
04:52And if I do have one fault, which I don't, it's a highly developed sense of modesty
04:58No, it's you, Viv, you're the real one, you always have been
05:01Who are you kidding? You're the rock of Gibraltar
05:04Just take our wedding night, what would I have done without you?
05:10Oh, very little, I hope
05:13I mean it, I mean it, your sensitivity, your understanding
05:18You know, I think in this whole cock-eyed world, you're the only real grown-up I've ever known
05:22Viv
05:23Oh, will you just listen to us in our situation, praising each other to the sky
05:28And loving each other to the limit
05:31And I do love you, Chuck
05:33Oh, and I love you, Viv
05:37When do you think we ought to tell Maude and Walter we're getting a divorce?
05:40Well, what about right now? It'll give us something to talk about
05:45I wonder how they'll take it
05:47Oh, Viv, don't worry, they'll love it
05:49I mean, you know, the maturity of it all
05:51The civilized notion of two people who still respect and love one another separating for good
05:58Because they've simply had it
06:01Up to here
06:04No, Walter and Maude will be the first to know
06:08No, Walter and Maude will be the first to understand, Viv
06:11I mean, they're, you know, they're 20th century people, they're just like us
06:16Hey, you guys, come on out, we're getting sort of lonely out here
06:19Did you hear that? They're getting lonely
06:21Some chance with those lovebirds
06:23We'll be right out, guys, Walter's attacking me on the portable dishwasher
06:28Hey
06:29Later, when the dishes are dirty
06:32Oh, Walter, I'm so happy, you know
06:35And I think so much of it has to do with Viv and Chuck
06:38I don't know, there's a kind of joy that emanates from them
06:41Oh, how I used to envy them before I met you
06:44You know, every time I got married, I used to say
06:46Oh, please, please, this time make it the perfect marriage
06:50Just like Viv and Chuck's
06:52And I must have meant it because I said it four times
06:55But I finally made it with you
06:58But I finally made it with you
07:01Let's face it, Maud, Chester, Barney and Albert just had the wrong kind of belly button
07:07They were all outsies
07:09Okay, fellas, like I always say, a salami a day keeps the doctor away
07:13Keeps everybody away
07:15Which reminds me, I ought to call Arthur and tell him we're back
07:17Walter, don't you dare, come on, we've only been home for about 20 minutes
07:21You know, what we really should be doing is trying to figure out where we're going to spend our next vacation
07:25How about Red China?
07:26I understand Kissinger found a good German restaurant there
07:30Red China's out, I hate German food
07:34How about you guys, any suggestions?
07:36Well, maybe we ought to wait a while
07:39I mean, sure, we don't have to decide right now
07:42Hey, wait a minute
07:44You two wouldn't be trying to tell us that you're looking for another couple
07:47Oh, no, no chance, Maud
07:49It's nothing like that
07:50But we do have something we want to tell you
07:53Something you want to tell...
07:54Walter, they have something they want to tell us
07:56I got it, I got it
07:57I can tell by that happy look in your eye, Chuck
07:59You're going to trade in your old jalopy for a new one
08:02Oh, that's one way to put it
08:07No, no, no, Walter, it's not a new car
08:10It's a new boat
08:11No, no, listen now, listen to me
08:13We finally decided
08:15After 21 years of marriage
08:17Oh, no, no, no, oh, no, oh, kids
08:20Oh, Vivo Chuck, you're adopting a baby
08:25That's wonderful
08:26Can you imagine a child growing up in a happier home?
08:29Maud, it's not a baby
08:31Hey, is it bigger than a bread box?
08:33No, Walter, no
08:34Smaller than a dump truck?
08:36No, no, no, no
08:37Is it a service?
08:38No
08:39Something Walter and I could do?
08:40Together
08:41No, wait a minute, look
08:43Vivian and I are getting a divorce
08:47Yeah, maybe it's animal, vegetable or mineral
08:51Is it a rutabaga?
08:52We're getting a divorce
08:53Come on, Viv, give me a little hint
08:55I said we're getting a divorce
08:57I heard that, I'd rather have the hint
09:00Come on, everybody
09:01My tilde, chicky, chicky, boom, boom
09:04My tilde
09:07Maud, we're splitting up
09:09That's right, Maud
09:11Maud, I think he means it
09:13Oh, come on, Walter, that's Chuck
09:16That's the same practical joker who signed the hotel register
09:19Warren G. Harding and Sister
09:22Come on, fellas, I've known you two
09:24Maud, Maud, listen
09:25Look, Viv, you can talk till you're blue in the face
09:27I mean, I can't believe it, I know you too well
09:29Look, I bet everything I own
09:31My house, my bank account, my antique sideboard
09:35Everything I own
09:38And I'd lose my assets, wouldn't I?
09:41Maud, it's not the end of the world
09:43It is to me, Viv
09:45Viv, how could you do this to me?
09:47Oh, Maud, now come on, look on the bright side
09:49Now, listen, Viv and I had our very last vacation
09:52together with you and Walter
09:54Now, the memory of that is something that's gonna be with us
09:56for the rest of our lives
09:57You know, the thing that I don't understand is
09:59when did you decide?
10:00We had adjoining rooms in Jamaica
10:02You seemed so happy
10:03Happy? You know, the walls were paper thin
10:05We heard them, they were delirious
10:10Kids, couldn't you just wait a week?
10:13I mean, until the slides are developed
10:16When you see how happy you were in Kodachrome
10:19you'll really change your mind
10:21No, no, I mean, we thought the whole thing through
10:25Now, look, don't get the idea that Viv and I
10:27don't still dig each other as human beings
10:30We do
10:31It's just that we simply cannot make it together anymore
10:34That's why in Jamaica we never let you out of our sight
10:37We'd spend every minute with you and Walter
10:39because when we're alone together anymore
10:41we just can't stand each other, can we, darling?
10:44Absolutely not
10:46I mean, we just bore each other to death
10:51I mean, it's been going on for years
10:53but we, well, we just now seem to notice it
10:55I guess we were the last to know
10:57No, I was the last to know
10:59Oh, Maude, honey, now come on, cheer up
11:02Now, good night, baby
11:03Good night, Walter
11:04Good night, Chuck
11:05Good night, Walt
11:06Viv
11:07I mean, it's, it's so ironic
11:10I mean, Walter and I have always said
11:12that of all the couples we know
11:14yours is the perfect marriage
11:16Is that funny?
11:18That is exactly what we've always said
11:20about you and Walter
11:21The perfect marriage
11:23Talk to you soon
11:24Yeah, bye-bye
11:43I don't understand it
11:44I mean, how could that marriage fall apart?
11:46It was made in heaven
11:48Well, maybe it should have been made in Japan
11:50like everything else
11:53Walter, please don't be funny
11:55when the whole world is crashing around our ears
11:57Maude, it's not that I'm not sorry for Viv and Chuck
11:59but, you know, what can anybody do about it?
12:02Look, Walter, our best friends tell us
12:04that after 21 years of marriage
12:06they are getting a divorce
12:07I mean, how can you not be shocked?
12:09Maude
12:11I'm gonna tell you something
12:13You never know about marriage
12:15Marriage is like a new pair of shoes
12:18A new pair of shoes, Walter?
12:20On the outside, they may look beautiful
12:23but only the one who wears them
12:25knows how much they hurt his feet
12:30Wow
12:31Boy, what insight
12:34No, I mean it
12:35Don't be modest
12:37How can you compare a broken marriage
12:39to a pair of tight hush puppies?
12:43Okay, Maude, it's after midnight
12:45We had a long trip
12:46and I got a big day tomorrow
12:48Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
12:49Listen, I shouldn't even be talking about it
12:51but Viv and Chuck are gone now
12:53and Phillip and Carol are away for the weekend
12:57Walter
12:59do you enjoy being alone with me?
13:01Of course I do
13:02Then how come the whole time we were in Jamaica
13:04we didn't let Chuck and Viv out of our sight for a minute?
13:07We?
13:08Maude, they never let us out of their sight
13:11Don't change the subject
13:13I obviously bore you
13:15You don't bore me
13:16No, then how come five minutes after we got back
13:18you tried to call Arthur on the phone?
13:20Arthur, holy mackerel
13:21Thanks for reminding me
13:22I hope it's not too late
13:23Walter!
13:24I mean, why can't you bear to be alone with me?
13:27I love being alone with you
13:29But how come we didn't have five minutes together
13:31the whole time we were on what turned out to be
13:33the most rotten vacation I've ever had?
13:37Rotten?
13:38Maude, you loved that vacation
13:40Only because I didn't know any better
13:43We get home and the first thing you do is call Arthur
13:46I am worried, Walter
13:47About Arthur and me?
13:51About you and me, Walter
13:54About our marriage
13:56Maude
13:58I love you
13:59Chuck and Vivian love each other
14:00and they're getting a divorce
14:01Walter, doesn't that worry you?
14:03Maude, do you think it would help our marriage
14:04if we hated each other?
14:06I'm willing to give it a try
14:09Honey, it's just that
14:11I don't want to be a 47-year-old swinging single
14:16Maude, I know what your problem is
14:18You're frightened
14:19You can't bear the thought of another divorce
14:21But there's not going to be one
14:23I'm not Chester, I'm not Barney, I'm not Albert
14:25I'm Walter
14:26The last of your red-hot lovers
14:30Walter, why don't we ever spend any time alone together?
14:33What?
14:34We don't, Walter, we don't
14:35We have spent every single vacation with Chuck and Viv
14:38We came home tonight
14:39They wanted to leave
14:40We insisted that they stay for a snack
14:42Every time we go to the movies
14:43we ask another couple
14:44When we're out to dinner
14:45there are always other people around
14:47I mean, it's exactly the same situation
14:49as Chuck's and Viv's, isn't it?
14:51No, it is not the same
14:53and that's that
14:54Look, I can't analyze everything we do
14:56All I know is how I feel
14:58And how do you feel, Walter?
14:59Sleepy
15:00Good night, Maude
15:02That's right
15:03Bury your head in the sand, Walter
15:05Run away from your problems
15:07Maude
15:09We have no problem
15:11Then why are you yelling at me?
15:14This is a stupid, petty argument
15:16and it's beneath us
15:17So now the things that matter to me
15:19are beneath us
15:20I'm very sorry
15:21What are you doing?
15:22What are you doing?
15:23I'm going to go into the kitchen
15:24I'm going to wash the dishes
15:25Maude, it's after midnight
15:26This is crazy
15:27Look, you know I cannot go to sleep
15:29with a house full of dirty dishes
15:31All night long
15:32I hear voices of little cups and saucers
15:34saying, wash me
15:38That's because you're compulsive
15:41Now I am compulsive
15:43No wonder you always say I'm beneath you
15:46Maude, don't twist my words
15:48I have never
15:49but never felt you beneath me
16:03Maude
16:10You have never felt me beneath you?
16:12Twisting my words again
16:16How come you understand
16:17when the dishes talk to you
16:18but you don't understand me?
16:20After four years of marriage
16:22I finally find out
16:23how little I satisfy you
16:24That's not what I said
16:26And for crying out loud
16:27would you get those damn dishes?
16:29Oh, now the dishes bother you
16:30I am very sorry, Walter Findlay
16:32I cannot stand a messy kitchen
16:33And I can't stand a messy kitchen neither
16:36Let me have that
16:40So much for the messy kitchen
16:45You want to try for the messy bathroom?
16:49All those wet pantyhose
16:51hanging over the shower curtain, huh?
16:54Little pieces of Kleenex
16:55that you use to blot your lipstick
16:57lying in the bowl
16:58smiling up at me
17:01Hair curlers all over the place
17:04especially whenever I sit down
17:09You must despise me
17:10Maude
17:12I mean, suddenly everything's coming out
17:14All the little things
17:15you can't stand about me
17:16How come that suddenly
17:18you start complaining
17:19about my pantyhose?
17:24Maude
17:27All the things I said were trivial
17:31They fade into nothing
17:32when I think of how much I love you
17:34Because I love you, Maude
17:37I love you more today
17:38than I did yesterday
17:41Yes
17:43And less than I will tomorrow
17:46Oh
17:47Oh, darling
17:49Oh, Walter
17:51You're so sweet and poetic
17:55If Shakespeare had known you
17:56he never would have written
17:57Romeo and Juliet
17:59He would have written
18:00The Valachi Papers
18:03What is this?
18:04Everything's coming out
18:05All these things
18:06you can't stand about me
18:07Look, why don't we purge ourselves?
18:09Maybe if I dig deep enough
18:10there are some things about you
18:11I don't like either
18:12I'll tell you what
18:13Let's write it all down on paper
18:14the way they do in group therapy
18:17You want group therapy?
18:18Be your own group
18:19I'm going to bed
18:20Look, Walter, please
18:21Maude, please
18:22I'm tired
18:23There's always tomorrow
18:24No, there isn't
18:25That's what I used to think
18:26about Chuck and Viv
18:27But there is no tomorrow for them
18:28Please, darling, look
18:29Here, here we go
18:30Now, look, sweetheart
18:31Just sit down here
18:32Right here
18:33Here's a piece of paper
18:34Here's a pencil
18:35You just write down
18:36all the things that you
18:37can't stand about me
18:38I'll sit here and write down
18:39the things I can't stand about you
18:42The first thing I can't stand
18:43is to write things down
18:47Now, honey, trust me
18:48I mean, this is important
18:49I mean, even if it's only
18:50a couple of things
18:53You can at least wait
18:54We begin together
18:59Sure, sure
19:01You guys ready?
19:02Go
19:22Look, if you have so much
19:23to complain about here
19:24write with both hands
19:28Two hands and three pencils
19:29What do I do with the third one?
19:37Which reminds me
19:40Oh, come on
19:41Oh, no, enough is enough
19:42Walter, you can't have
19:43that much to complain about
19:44We've only been married
19:45for four years
19:46What are you doing?
19:47I want to see the paper
19:48No, you were
19:49absolutely right, Maud
19:50I got a lot of things
19:51off my chest
19:52and I feel much better
19:53Let's go to bed
19:54Why go to bed?
19:55Listen, Walter
19:57That's no way
19:58to solve these problems
19:59This problem cannot be
20:00solved horizontally
20:03This is a vertical issue, Walter
20:06Now, look, I am not
20:07coming to bed
20:08So don't wait up for me
20:09I am not coming to bed
20:14What are you doing?
20:15I'm going to sleep in the den
20:16I couldn't convince you
20:17that we have a good marriage
20:19You've begun to convince me
20:20that we got a bad one
20:21Oh, Walter, don't say that
20:23Don't say that, Walter
20:24Maud!
20:25Just think of it
20:26as a trial separation
20:27Nighty-night
20:33Walter, come out of there
20:35Walter, you didn't show me
20:37the piece of paper
20:38I agreed to write things down, Maud
20:41I didn't agree to show them to you
20:43Good night, Maud
20:45But, Walter, honey
20:46that was the whole idea
20:47I mean, if you don't show me
20:48how can I change?
20:51Walter, I asked you a question
20:54Walter!
20:56Oh, now you're not talking to me
20:58Is that it?
20:59Listen, Walter
21:00Walter, come out of there
21:04Walter, if you won't come out
21:05at least open the door
21:10Okay, if that's the way
21:11you want things, Walter
21:13I'm going upstairs
21:14Good night
21:16Walter, I'm back
21:19Oh, darling, please
21:20forgive me, sweetheart
21:21I didn't mean it
21:22Please
21:23Walter, are you there?
21:25Walter, you didn't go out
21:26the window, did you?
21:29Look, sweetheart
21:30I'll tell you what I'm going to do
21:31I'm going to read to you
21:32what I wrote on my piece of paper
21:34I mean, it's trivial
21:36There's only one thing
21:37I mean, it's nothing, darling
21:39It's just that
21:41sometimes after you eat
21:42cottage cheese
21:45and you talk
21:49I see little white specks
21:51between you
21:57But, sweetheart
21:58I can live with them
22:01Please, darling
22:02Now tell me, sweetheart
22:03Sweetheart
22:04Love
22:05What did you write about me, Walter?
22:08Walter?
22:09Walter, what did you write about me?
22:13Oh, I'm sorry, dear
22:14I didn't see it
22:21I love you, Maud
22:24I love you
22:26I love you
22:28I love you
22:29I love you
22:30I love you
22:31I love you
22:33So get off my back
22:36Oh, Walter
22:39Oh, darling
22:40This is the loveliest letter
22:41you ever wrote me
22:43Sweetheart
22:44I love you, Walter
22:45Please come out, sweetheart
22:48Dale
22:55Dale
22:59Oh, dear me
23:01Oh, God
23:02It's going to get you, isn't it?
23:11Martilda
23:12Chicky-chicky-boom-boom
23:14Martilda
23:15Martilda
23:16Chicky-chicky-boom-boom
23:17Martilda
23:18She takes me money and runs
23:20And it's very nice to sing a little song
23:22Martilda
23:25Martilda
23:28Martilda
23:29She takes me money and runs
23:40Walter, look, I'm sorry
23:41Can I come in?
23:42Sir, come in
23:43Oh, thanks
23:46Chuck, is anything the matter?
23:47Oh, I tell you, Maud
23:48I just can't stand it when she sulks, you know
23:50When she sulks, I mean
23:51something really happens to me inside
23:53You know, I fume, I boil
23:55And that silly look she gets on her face
23:57when she starts to pout
23:58I'll tell you something
23:59I am not a violent man
24:00But when she gets like that
24:01I have this insane desire
24:03to punch her in the mouth
24:05Knock out every other tooth
24:08I mean, she'd look like a Steinway
24:11And the more she sulks, you know
24:12the angrier I get
24:13So I thought I'd just better get out of the house
24:15before I lost control of myself, you know
24:20I'm sorry, I'm sorry
24:22You know, I got in the car
24:23and I just started driving around
24:24Could I sleep here tonight?
24:26Well, sure, I guess so
24:28Well, yeah
24:29I mean, I wouldn't be any trouble
24:30You know, I could sleep in the den
24:31Yeah, but you see
24:32there's only one problem
24:33And here it is, the night, Chuck
24:35Viv!
24:36What are you doing here?
24:37What are you doing here?
24:38You know I can't stand being alone in the house
24:40Well, then why don't you go
24:41stay at your mother's like everybody else?
24:43That shows how much attention you pay
24:45My mother's been dead 11 years
24:49I know your mother has been dead 11 years
24:53That's why I said
24:54why don't you go stay at your mother's?
24:58I'm not going to stand out here
24:59and argue in front of my friend
25:00Oh, since when have you gotten so inhibited?
25:02You know I don't like that kind of self-knowledge
25:05Some fight
25:07They sound like they're going to kill each other
25:11Isn't it wonderful?
25:14You know, I think there's still hope for the marriage
25:16They're beginning to sound exactly like us
25:18They're beginning to sound exactly like us
25:40Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
25:48Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
25:50Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
25:52Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
25:54Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
25:56Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
25:58Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:00Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:18Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:20Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:22Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:24Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:26Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:28Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:30Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:32Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:34Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:36Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:38Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:40Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:42Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience
26:44Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience