The Queens Nose - Season 7 - Season Seven - Episode 5
Children's drama series about a magical coin which grants wishes. Carla accidentally wishes that she could do her chores really quickly, and starts speeding around.
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00:00Toast, marmalade, butter, fresh coffee for chief, real orange for my angels, and for
00:19my pièce de résistance, home-baked muffin.
00:25Wow!
00:26Cool?
00:27Ah, ah, ah!
00:28Still hot!
00:29As my father used to say in the old country, if you do not eat the muffins when they are
00:33hot, they will be hot no longer.
00:37Very wise!
00:38Couldn't agree more.
00:39Pop muffins going cold doesn't bear thinking about.
00:40I don't know where you put it all.
00:43Anyway, enjoy.
00:44I've got people to see, things to do.
00:46See you all later.
00:47He's in a good mood.
00:48How do I put that on?
00:50Didn't she tell you?
00:51She's going on a date tonight with that nice chap, you know, tall, dark hair.
00:54What's his name?
00:55Duncan!
00:56That's him.
00:57What a snake!
00:58He's obviously not going out with mum because he likes her.
01:01He's going out with her so that he can get the inside info on chief's shop.
01:03Yeah, if chief's shop didn't exist anymore, Duncan would do twice as well.
01:07Poor old chief.
01:09It'd break his heart if he didn't have the shop anymore.
01:11There he was, eating those muffins, without a care in the world.
01:15Muffins?
01:16Did someone mention muffins?
01:17Shut up a minute, would you?
01:18I beg your pardon?
01:19You, him.
01:20Well, that's nice.
01:21I haven't even had any breakfast yet.
01:22We've got to tell mum about Duncan.
01:23It'd break her heart.
01:25You're right.
01:26Come on, let's go do the deed.
01:27Hey, give us one of those muffins before you go.
01:28Ah, well, that's nice, isn't it?
01:29Poor little Frankie.
01:30No breakfast.
01:31Sometimes I could weep.
01:32I really could.
01:33I could.
01:34I could.
01:35I could.
01:36I could.
01:37I could.
01:38I could.
01:39I could.
01:40I could.
01:41I could.
01:42I could.
01:43I could.
01:44I could.
01:45I could.
01:46I could.
01:47I could.
01:48I could.
01:49I could.
01:50I could.
01:51I could.
01:52I could.
01:53I could.
01:54I really could.
01:55I've got you this time.
01:56I know I have.
01:59I need one of those Russian dolls.
02:02You know the kind.
02:04They get smaller and smaller as you open them up.
02:07Go on, get me one of them, if you can.
02:10Tell me one thing. Why T to Z? Why not D for dolls or R for Russian?
02:28V for variably sized.
02:31Hey, you two! More haste, less speed.
02:36As my old mother used to say in the old country, you run too fast and whoopsie-daisy!
02:43That's a very nice muffin you've got there, T.
02:46Would you like one? With a cup of coffee?
02:50I only drink Jamaican Blue Mountain Dark Roast. I bet you haven't got any of that!
03:06Never drink anything else.
03:13Mum, can we have a word?
03:15It's urgent! Right now! Crazy I'm busy!
03:18I should be finished in a bit. We'll catch you when she starts her shift at the chip shop.
03:27Still got the old magic touch. Nobody forgets to give Frankie's breakfast, especially when there's fresh muffins in the house.
03:35So he's got a big half-price sale, eh? You worried?
03:39As my old mother used to say in the old country, the bigger the fish, the better the stew.
03:48So, have you got any leather steering wheel covers?
03:53Over there, third box on the right, and a R for removable circular objects.
04:00Half-price?
04:03I'll give you 20% off.
04:07Carla, you have to listen to us! We need to speak to you about Duncan.
04:11Oh, Duncan. Isn't he lovely? And such a beautiful dancer. Did you know he asked me out on a date?
04:17Anyway, can't stop. Lots to do before I go on my romantic evening.
04:21Carla, me and German know something about Duncan. He's not what he seems to be.
04:26I know. Believe me, I know there's a lot more to Duncan than meets the eye.
04:30Very perceptive boy, Jay.
04:32Oh, he's hopeless. She's never going to stand still long enough to listen to us.
04:37There's only one thing for it.
04:39The Queen's nose!
04:40Exactly.
04:41Brilliant. We simply make Duncan really ugly. All warts and big teeth and horrible stuff.
04:46No, no! With magic comes responsibility, remember?
04:51We only have two problems to solve. One, is think of the wish that I'll sort everything out without harming anybody.
04:58And two, to find the Queen's nose.
05:01You what?
05:02I haven't got it!
05:03Oh, you must have dropped it. Can you see anything glinting?
05:06Urgh, chewing gum.
05:07No, no, no, Gemma, I haven't dropped it. I remember. I changed my jeans this morning. Put them in the wash. They're back at the flat.
05:13Oh, I hope Mum hasn't put the washing on.
05:15Do you think a hot wash will affect its magic powers?
05:17Never mind a hot wash. We're about to fast-spin cycle. Come on.
05:21Oh!
05:23Which kind do you like the best, blueberry or chocolate?
05:27Either, Chief. Just get us a selection.
05:29I tell you what, I'd bring the lot.
05:33No!
05:38Well, what have we here? Ah, my ticket to a lifetime of free muffins. I wish I had...
05:45No, stop!
05:46What?
05:47Don't do it, Frank. Don't waste a wish.
05:49A lifetime's worth of muffins? A waste of a wish? I don't think so.
05:52What's he doing? What's he doing?
05:54He's wishing for muffins. Millions of them.
05:57You distract him, I'll grab the coin.
05:59One false move and I'm wishing for donuts as well.
06:01Frank. Frank, think about this. We've got all the ingredients to make a whole new batch of muffins right here.
06:09We could make cheese muffins.
06:13And blueberry.
06:16I'm listening.
06:17Chocolate chip. We could do them.
06:20And raisin.
06:22And bran.
06:24Slip in a couple of rashers of bacon, two sausages and cover them with crepe.
06:27And the coin's yours.
06:29You've got yourself a deal.
06:36Now that's what I call a snack.
06:38Take me, boy. I'm a ferret of my word.
06:41Yes!
06:43What on earth is all this? Is this some kind of a bet?
06:46How can you make all this mess for a measly 50p?
06:48Oh, no, no, no. I can explain.
06:50And we need that coin.
06:52I have worked my fingers to the bone today so that I can have an evening out.
06:56I've tried to get all my jobs done early so that I've got time to get ready and now this.
07:00Well, clean up.
07:02Too darn right you will, young lady.
07:04Oh, I might as well just give up now.
07:07I'm never going to find the time to go out with Duncan.
07:09You know, Carla, I think you're right.
07:12Best keep it up, eh? Have an evening in.
07:15But, Jake, how am I going to get everything done?
07:19I've got to get to the zoo to feed the penguins and, oh, that smell of fish takes an age to get out.
07:23And then I've got to paint the double yellow lines on the main road.
07:26And if you get that paint under your nails, there's no shifting it.
07:29And I've got all the cooking and the cleaning and the dusting.
07:33This place had better be tidy when I get back.
07:35I wish I could do my jobs more quickly.
07:41Oh, no!
07:44Wish for it to slow down! Quick!
07:46No, wait! I need more muffins!
07:50There is no point in trying to get her to slow down because we don't know where she is.
07:54She'll still go on her date unless we tell her about Duncan.
07:57And we can't wish for her to slow down and come here because that's wasting two wishes to correct a wish we've already wasted.
08:04I don't know what to do.
08:06You know, I'm beginning to think that giving Duncan warts and big teeth was a good idea after all.
08:11Oi, ferret boy!
08:13Just ignore them.
08:14You're with your cousin again, are you?
08:16She don't mind being seen with a sad loner type like you, then?
08:19Keep walking.
08:20Come to think of it, she looks like a bit of a sad loner type herself.
08:24Right, that's it. Just leave her alone, Wes.
08:27What? Who are you telling to leave her alone, eh?
08:29I'm just saying she's all right.
08:31Oh, look at you. Fancier, do you? Eerie fancy, do you?
08:34Oh, shut up, Wes.
08:36Thanks, but I can look after myself. You got a girlfriend, then?
08:39Bet all the girls start queuing up as soon as they see you, don't they?
08:42Oh, actually?
08:43Queuing up to get out the door and away from your big, ugly face.
08:48Are you two laughing at, eh?
08:50I've got loads of girlfriends. Loads and loads.
08:56Thanks, Jim.
08:57Pleasure, Jake.
09:03Hey, that was her! Come on!
09:05Mum! Mum, come back!
09:35Oh, blue is definitely not my colour.
09:38This is impossible.
09:40She won't stand still long enough for us to open our mouths.
09:43Never mind speak to her.
09:45Don't know about you, but I have had enough.
09:48My clothes are ruined. My hair is a mess.
09:51I am covered in paint. I'm going home. I give up.
09:54Gemma, this is bigger than the both of us.
09:58We can't give up.
10:00Gemma, this is bigger than the both of us.
10:03We can't give up.
10:05It's for Chief. It's for the shop.
10:08It's for the future.
10:10All right, then. We'll keep trying.
10:12But I'm going home and having a bath and lunch first.
10:15And don't try and stop me.
10:19Well, I've never seen you with a girl before.
10:21Me neither.
10:22Yeah, well, you just weren't there, all right.
10:24I'm quite popular with girls, actually.
10:27She doesn't like me because I'm... I'm interesting.
10:30Go on, then. Prove it.
10:32What, her? No, look, I don't feel like it.
10:35You're scared.
10:37How am I scared? I could get her to go at me if I wanted, no problem.
10:40The quid says you can't.
10:42Ooh.
10:44I'm in.
10:46All right.
10:48Just wait here.
10:51Oi, you. Girl.
10:56Quite pretty, ain't you, eh?
10:58With your eyes and your hair and that.
11:03I'm watching the wrestling this afternoon.
11:05Do you want to come and watch with me?
11:13Well, I don't go, eh.
11:15We could, er, spray each other.
11:17Well, I don't go, eh.
11:19We could, er, spray the feet on the park benches.
11:21That'd be a laugh, yeah?
11:23What are you two laughing at?
11:25You couldn't do much better yourself.
11:27Yeah?
11:29All right.
11:31I'll bet you a quid, a quid,
11:33that you couldn't get a date by the end of today.
11:35All right, then. You're on.
11:39So Uncle Leopold kept his herd of llamas on the east side of the mountain
11:43and Aunt Anastasia kept her geese and her chickens on the west side of the mountain.
11:48Now, as you know, llamas and chickens do not get along.
11:52Chief.
11:54Yes, Jake?
11:56If, theoretically, someone you knew was moving very fast
12:00so you didn't have time to speak to them
12:02and you had something really important to say
12:04but they didn't slow down long enough for you to say it,
12:07what would you do to slow them up?
12:10Ignore him, Grandad.
12:12There's nothing you can do to help.
12:14It's something Jake and I have to sort out.
12:16No, I think I know what he's talking about.
12:19Now, my old mother used to say to me in the old country,
12:23if you want someone to slow down,
12:26you must take away their reason for moving quickly.
12:29Anyway, the llamas were grazing on the top of the mountain.
12:33Great story, Chief. Very funny.
12:35See you.
12:37But I haven't finished
12:41about the eggs yet.
12:45Here it is. Our itinerary for the day.
12:48So, if we get to these places before she does
12:51and do her jobs for her, then...
12:53Then she'll have no reason to move so quickly.
12:56Exactly. So if you take those two and I'll do these two...
13:01Jake!
13:03What's got into him now?
13:05Jake!
13:08Oh, Jake!
13:10I think I'm dying.
13:12I'm fading fast.
13:15Help me, Jake. Help me.
13:17Don't worry, Frank. I'll help you.
13:19Yeah.
13:20Now listen carefully.
13:22Speak to me, Jake.
13:23Never.
13:24Yeah.
13:25Ever.
13:26Yeah.
13:27Eat anything that's bigger than your head.
13:29Yeah.
13:30You'll survive.
13:32Oh.
13:39I want my mummy.
13:48Weird.
13:51Jake!
14:00Jake!
14:06What are you doing?
14:08We're trying to get you to slow down.
14:16We've done all your jobs.
14:19All my jobs?
14:21All of them.
14:31Oh, you are sweet.
14:35Hey there.
14:37Oh, look. It's one of Einstein's brothers from the bus shelter.
14:41Yeah, well, I wanted to apologise for Wesley.
14:44He can be a bit...
14:45Thick?
14:46Yeah, I guess.
14:48Right then. Apology accepted on Wesley's behalf.
14:51Well, there was something else.
14:53Yeah?
14:54Yeah. Well...
14:56OK. Deep breath.
14:59Deep breath.
15:02That's it.
15:04You feel calmer now?
15:06Yeah.
15:08Yeah, I think I'll feel better now.
15:10Good.
15:12Because you've got to listen to me very carefully.
15:15Jake, you are never going to guess what just happened.
15:17Oh, hi, Mum. You're back. Has Jake told you about Duncan yet?
15:19Duncan, the date! Oh, I've got to go.
15:21God, Gemma, I just managed to slow her down and you went and sped her back up again.
15:25Well, sorry. I thought you'd have told her by now.
15:29Anyway, I've got much more important things on my mind.
15:32I've just been asked out on a date.
15:34Oh, no. Not you as well.
15:38Who with?
15:39He's tall and dark and called Nick.
15:42Nick? Wesley's Nick?
15:46You can't say yes.
15:48I just did.
15:50So, when my uncle Pavlov saw the omelette,
15:53he laughed so long and so loud
15:55that the llamas went over the east side of the mountain again
15:58and never went back over to the west side ever again.
16:01I said, have you seen Carla?
16:04Carla, yes, I've seen her.
16:06Right. Where?
16:09She went out of the door like a flash.
16:11She reminded me of the time when my mother made a raspberry pie.
16:14Oh, no. Too late.
16:17Too late for what?
16:18It doesn't matter. There's only one thing for it.
16:21We're going to have to tackle her at the restaurant.
16:23Gemma, we've got to go.
16:26Just a second.
16:31What do you think?
16:33Darling, you look sensational.
16:37What's the big occasion?
16:39Nothing. I just like to bring this old thing on,
16:42see if it still fits for my date.
16:44You've got a date? Who's the lucky fellow?
16:47Don't encourage her. Come on.
16:49We've got work to do.
16:52I haven't finished telling you about my mother's raspberry pie.
16:55Another time, Chief. Sounds like a really great story.
17:00I'll go, but I want to go on the coach.
17:02The coach is quite big and quite fast.
17:04Carla, if you keep going at this speed,
17:06the date will be over in ten minutes flat.
17:09And I don't want it to be over in ten minutes flat.
17:14Sorry.
17:16I've been a bit hyper.
17:19I don't know what's come over me today.
17:21I don't know what's happened to me.
17:23I don't know what's happened to me.
17:27I don't know what's come over me today.
17:29The whole day's gone by in a bit of a blur.
17:32I think we should make the most of having a couple of hours together.
17:35Yes, that would be very nice.
17:38Very nice indeed.
17:40It would be lovely to have some time together
17:42without thinking about work or the children or Chief's shop.
17:45You know, I've been meaning to ask you about that funny little shop.
17:48It sounds absolutely fascinating.
17:51I bet he's in there right now,
17:53wheedling information out of Carla,
17:55asking about Chief's profit margins, his stock, his customer base.
17:59A snake.
18:01Even if he is, he won't be getting much out of Mum.
18:04I mean, all Chief's customers are local nutcases.
18:07Goodness only knows where he gets his stock from these days
18:10and he hasn't turned a decent profit in years.
18:13Anyway, what do you think?
18:15What?
18:17The blue shoes and the dress or the jeans and the trainers.
18:20I don't want to look too flash.
18:22Gemma, would you please pay attention to what we're supposed to be doing?
18:26Sorry, go on.
18:28We have to think of a plan that'll get Carla away from Duncan
18:31just long enough to spill the beans.
18:34Any ideas?
18:36Hmm.
18:38Do you think the hair up or let loose?
18:42I give up. I give up.
18:44So is his baby, really.
18:46I mean, he's run that shop for 30 years.
18:49You know, I think it would be the death of him
18:52if he were ever to have it taken away from him.
18:54Really? Mmm.
18:56Would it really? Mmm.
18:58Would you excuse me for just one moment, Carla?
19:01Yeah, of course, Duncan.
19:10What are you two doing here?
19:12Carla, we've only got a minute, so listen carefully.
19:14Mum, my date, the arcade, formal or casual?
19:18Oh, do shut up, Gemma.
19:20Carla, it's about Duncan.
19:23He's only after one thing.
19:25Drake and Gemma, leave this restaurant immediately.
19:28I'm surprised at you, I really am.
19:31Now, I will talk to you later at home.
19:43Really, Gemma, would you please attempt to keep your mind on the job in hand?
19:47Sorry, I'm focused now. Totally focused.
19:51Be right there with you next time.
19:53There won't be a next time, unless he goes to the toilet again.
19:58Well, that can be arranged.
20:02Carla, darling, this has been a wonderful evening.
20:06A special, magical meal with a fascinating, wonderful person.
20:11Carla, there's something I need to say to you.
20:15What is it, Duncan?
20:17I... need to go to the bathroom.
20:26I thought I told you to just...
20:28Mum, just listen. It's about whatever you want, shop.
20:31Listen, you two are really getting on my nerves now.
20:35You had so better be gone by the time I get back.
20:45You know the way I feel about you, don't you, Carla?
20:48Why don't you tell me, Duncan?
20:50I will. Just as soon as I've...
20:54Mum!
20:57You two have got to stop barging in and out of here.
21:00You're disturbing the clientele.
21:02Aren't they, Alfonso?
21:04Now, just go away, and I'll talk to you later.
21:07Alfonso, if you could be so kind, would you show these children the door?
21:12This evening has been one of the most moving evenings of my life.
21:17If you'll excuse me.
21:20Moving? You can say that again.
21:22Ow!
21:25Bloody hell!
21:29What is the matter with you two?
21:31This is supposed to be my evening, my dinner.
21:35And you're just going to sit there and do nothing?
21:38This is supposed to be my evening, my treat, my date.
21:43And every five minutes you've come in here jabbering away like idiots.
21:47Just go home and let me enjoy my date in peace.
21:51Is everything all right, Carla?
21:53No, Duncan, everything is not all right.
21:55Because it seems that my whole evening is destined to be ruined by these two...
21:59thoughtless, self-centred, irritating children.
22:05Now, what have you got to say for yourselves?
22:10Duncan owns the whatever-you-want shop!
22:14What?
22:15It's true, Mum. Ask him.
22:20Duncan, tell me it's not true. Tell me they're wrong. Please.
22:25Actually, Carla...
22:27It's true.
22:29You own the whatever-you-want shop.
22:34So all this... you're just using me.
22:38Carla, it wasn't like that. I really do like you and...
22:41You should be ashamed of yourself!
22:43Carla!
23:00Rule number one. Never, ever interfere with people's love lives.
23:04OK, OK, what do you think? The blue or the pink?
23:09Don't mention your date to me, Gemma! I don't want to know, OK?
23:14Hey, Jake, I'm feeling a bit bitter now. What's for tea?
23:18You know, Frank, being able to do magic can be a real liability.
23:43THE END