Mooch | Full Movie | Richard Erdman | Vincent Price, James Darren, Jill St. John, Jim Backus

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MOOCH
| Comedy, Family | 1974 |

Plot:
A dog named Mooch comes to Hollywood and tries to make it in show business with the help of Zsa Zsa Gabor (narrator).

Crew:

• Directed by: Richard Erdman
• Written by: Jerry Devine, Jim Backus
• Starring: Vincent Price, James Darren, Jill St. John, Jim Backus
• Produced by: Andy Babbish
• Music by: Don Piestrup
• Cinematography: Allen Daviau
• Edited by: Larry Heath

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Transcript

00:00Hollywood, maker of Make Believe, Land of Broken Promises, Lotus Land, Cinderella City,

00:22Tinseltown, Hollywood, Hollywood weaver of fantasies, the dream factory hub of the entertainment

00:28universe, Hollywood that lures young hopefuls from town and village, factory and farm, all

00:41seeking the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. For some, the dream is realized.

00:47For others, their hopes and aspirations are shattered on the shoals of despair. But still,

00:55they come. Behold them, dewy-eyed, innocent, vulnerable, a flood of femininity, a deluge

01:04of daintiness. Will they soar to stardom, find a permanent niche in the Hollywood heavens?

01:10Or like the moth and the flame, plunge like a meteor into the abyss of oblivion?

01:20What does fate hold in store for them? What is their destiny? Let us seek the answer through

01:25the eyes of one of these young hopefuls as we follow her quest of the impossible dream.

01:35A young hopeful, like Mooch.

01:42Mooch is here. Watch out, Hollywood la-da-dee. Mooch has come here to stay. This town won't

02:08be the same again. Others may never quite succeed. Mooch will stay. She's a whole different

02:23Best of class, no pedigree. Mooch has a dream. Dreaming of stardom. To make it big in Hollywood.

02:42A facelift, too, before she's through. Mooch is here. Mooch is here.

02:57Mooch, darling, this is Zsa Zsa. I can see you are new in this city, so let me give you some advice.

03:04If you want to make a career for yourself in Hollywood, I will tell you what not to do,

03:09what to do, and when to do it. This is no good for you. Keep your fur on, Mooch. Ask Mickey,

03:19he'll tell you. No nudes is good nudes. And now you have come to what is really class.

03:31Look down at the famous names written here in cement. They will last forever. In the

03:38old days, they had the great premieres. It was exciting. All the stars getting out of

03:43their limousines, walking on the red carpet to the microphone. It's a marvelous picture,

03:50simply marvelous. Now wait a minute. It's a marvelous picture. Mooch, that is a good luck

04:08statue. Why don't you make a wish? Oh, I know this producer. He's holding a story conference.

04:32Look, I'll tell you how to make it in Hollywood, baby. Talent has like nothing to do with it,

04:37you know? Act and don't even matter. It's who you know in this town, and it's who you're

04:42seen with that counts. Who you're seen with that counts. Don't take her advice. It's not

04:47who you are seen with. It's who you are marrying. That's what counts. To make a career, darling,

04:55you must go where the producers, directors, and the money men are, like there. Good girl.

05:22Mooch, you're wasting your time. Get into the brown derby. Don't be discouraged. Try

05:36the back door. You do like the script, right? As I told you, I like everything about the

05:45script except the end. Look, look, darling. There is someone to be seen with. It's Vincent

05:51Price. It's really Vincent Price. Quick. Be charming. Tempt him. Tease him. Why should

06:20they wait when you know what I have to do? No, I can't be reasonable. Haunt him. Try tantalizing.

06:30Arthur does all my talking for me, Sam. Be sexy. Fabulous. You know, we've got a whole

06:45crew standing by. Sam, thanks for lunch. Talk to you. I'll call you tonight, Vincent.

06:51Here you are, ma'am. Thank you. Kiss his ear. See, darling, it always works. Well, now

07:05that we've been formally introduced, Shaggy, you might as well sit up front with me. Congratulations.

07:13You've made it. Oh, I'm afraid he's broke. Look at his car. Poor Vince.

07:19Mooch is here, proud and all aglow, wondering where, where, oh, where will they go? Hey,

07:38town, you've opened up your door. Going to a movie studio, going to play that Hollywood

07:54game. She'll even have her own analyst. Mooch has a dream. She's on her way now. You better

08:10watch out, Hollywood, when Mooch rides by the boy dog's side. Mooch is here. Mooch is

08:25here. Mooch is here. Bavaire Pet Clinic. Oh, this is marvelous. He's starting to invest

08:39money in you already. Let's face it, every girl needs a little fixing up before she becomes

08:44a star. And darling, you need your teeth capped desperately. Hello, I'm Mr. Price. This is

09:04Shaggy. Is Dr. Hackett free? Yes, Mr. Price. If you will just be seated, I'll tell him

09:11you're here. Thank you.

09:41Mooch is here, proud and all aglow, wondering where, where, oh, where will they go? Hey,

10:01Mooch is here, proud and all aglow, wondering where, where, oh, where, oh, where will they

10:29go? Mr. Price, the doctor will see you now. Oh, thank you, thank you. Doctor, Mr. Price

10:57is here. I'll be right with you, Mr. Price. Yes, look at this, just as I suspected, a canary

11:03has an ulcer. And what's the problem here? Well, doctor, I was having lunch at the Derby, and

11:09he went, somehow or other, this kooky little mutt. Nurse, prepare the patient for examination.

11:15You know, I don't know how, but, well, she got into the car, and in a second or so, she was

11:21sitting right in the front seat next to me. Name the patient, please. Well, I call her Shaggy. Next

11:27of kin? Well, I guess it's me. You got papers on this dog? Oh, no, no, as I said, I was just leaving

11:35the Derby when she turned up. This could get you in a lot of trouble. Trouble? But she's just a

11:40nameless little mutt. Look, doctor, the reason I brought her here is that, well, I have a kid who's

11:46writing me a lot of fan letters, and he is just dying to have a dog. I was reading in the medical journal

11:52about a case similar to this. A man picked up a dog who was an alien, in the country illegally, wound up

11:58in a lot of litigation, finally took his house away. Is that how the canary got an ulcer? Huh?

12:04Well, look, doctor, all I want you to do is just examine her and make sure that she's all right.

12:10And I'll send the boy around to pick her up in the morning. Oh, it's all right, honey. It's all right.

12:16You're going to have a good home. Look, I'll come and visit you now. How is that? Oh, now take it easy,

12:22sweetheart. Take it easy. I love you, but I can't keep you. No, now, now, you be a good girl, and I'll

12:30come see you real soon. Bye-bye, sweetheart. Bye-bye. Nurse, give me a hand here.

12:40Well, that's a man for you, darling. One moment of promises, ecstasy, then thrown away like a broken toy.

13:10Don't be sad. I'll stay with you.

13:40Darling, remember, it's who you are staying with that counts.

14:10That was for Fang.

14:34Everybody loves somebody sometime. Why don't you take your little fur coat off and come on in?

14:44Look, it's the famous Playboy Club. I can tell you a lot of young girls have been discovered here, even for pictures.

14:56Oh, that's a bunny.

15:12Go in, go in, Mooch. What have you got to lose?

15:24Oh, poor baby. It always helps to change your type when you have been rejected. It's good for the morale.

15:52Darling, stay rejected.

16:05Whatever you have in mind, I must tell you the terrible news. There are very few parts for a four-legged stripper.

16:32Keep it on, keep it on.

16:47Oh, now we are getting lucky again. There's a handsome one for you. It's James Darren. It's really James Darren.

17:18I think I know what type he falls for. Nothing sexy. Be sweet, demure. Look what happened to Grace Kelly. She got herself a prince.

17:35More like Grace.

17:50Better go back to be sexy. You must get his attention.

18:17I couldn't have thought of it myself.

18:20Hey, what happened to you?

18:26Oh, you weren't hit. You're just scared, that's all. That's a good girl. Hey, does this dog belong to anybody here?

18:39No tags. Looks like you don't belong to anybody, do you? Huh? Let's see if you can stand up. You want to try that? Come on, sweetheart.

18:51That's a good girl. You know what, sunshine? I was just about to head for the beach. You feel like going for a ride?

19:10Wonderful. Compromise him. He'll never get out of this.

19:38Hey, would you wait here a couple of seconds? Hey, would you guys keep an eye on this dog for me? You be a good girl here. I'll be right back.

20:07He'll be back. Make yourself beautiful. Get a nice tan.

20:36I'll be right back.

21:05Mm-hmm. You see, blondes have all the fun. Ha ha, not always.

21:28Don't walk like a schlump, honey. There's producers all along this beach. Three girls have been discovered here already this summer.

21:39Here is an opportunity. Go visit them. Wiggle like they are wiggling.

22:07You pose, too.

22:21Follow them.

22:50You wouldn't want to make it in Hollywood like that anyway.

22:57What goes on here?

23:12Oh, I bet he doesn't have enough money to buy a hot dog. You're wasting your time.

23:22You're better off as a skinny producer.

23:52Oh, I bet he doesn't have enough money to buy a hot dog. You're wasting your time.

24:02Oh, I bet he doesn't have enough money to buy a hot dog. You're wasting your time.

24:22Oh, I bet he doesn't have enough money to buy a hot dog. You're wasting your time.

24:40Oh, I bet he doesn't have enough money to buy a hot dog. You're wasting your time.

24:50Hey, sunshine, did you miss me?

24:57Hey, if you take those off, we'll go for a little walk along the beach. Come on.

25:27Now, don't panic. I know you were here once before, but that's our little secret.

25:33Don't fight it. Be casual.

25:36When you are in the waiting room, flirt, flirt.

25:40Be nice to the nurses.

25:42And if the doctor says he knows you, give him a cold nose.

25:58Hi, I'm Mr. Darren. Is Dr. Hackett in?

26:01Oh, yes, Mr. Darren. If you'll please be seated, I'll tell the doctor you're here.

26:36Uh-huh.

26:52I hate my gloves.

27:19Uh-huh.

27:31Oh,

27:58Uh-huh.

28:23Uh-huh.

28:36Congratulations. You must be very proud.

28:49Mr. Darren, Dr. Hackett will see you now.

29:02They say the temperature's normal. Good, good.

29:07Now, she's to have no solids, plenty of liquids. That's very important.

29:11And rest, lots of rest.

29:14I guarantee if you do that, she'll be back on her perch singing better than ever.

29:21Dr. Hackett, Mr. Darren.

29:23Oh, yes.

29:24Hi, Doc.

29:25What's the problem here?

29:26I found this dog this morning while I was down at the garage, and she just kind of attached herself.

29:30Nurse, prepare the patient for examination.

29:33She's a great dog. You know, I took her down to the beach, and we spent the whole day together.

29:37Name of patient, please?

29:39Oh, um, Sunshine.

29:41Next of kin?

29:43Yeah, I guess me.

29:45I've seen this dog someplace before. I never forget a muzzle.

29:50Dog I'm referring to was brought in yesterday.

29:54Very sullen beast, morose, neurotic.

29:57Oh, no, that couldn't be Sunshine. She's one of the happiest dogs I've ever seen.

30:00She looks pretty familiar to me.

30:03Of course, I wouldn't testify to it under oath.

30:06I remember a classmate made that mistake.

30:08A very famous case involving two St. Bernards.

30:11Even the casks were identical.

30:13Picked the wrong one, ended his career, took to drink. Horrible.

30:17Yeah.

30:19Well, look, I was wondering, Doc, could I leave the dog here for a couple of weeks?

30:23You do take boarders, don't you?

30:25No, no, no. We have excellent facilities around the clock care.

30:29Nurse, send for the attendant.

30:31Yes, sir.

30:32Hey, hey, sweetheart, don't take it so hard.

30:34Listen, hey, I'll be back in a couple of weeks.

30:44Attendant, take this patient to wing five, please.

30:48Yes, sir.

30:49You be a good girl, you hear?

30:51And I'll be back to get you just as soon as I'm through with the picture.

30:54All right?

30:55Yes, yes.

31:00Take care, Doc. Thank you very much.

31:02It was a pleasure.

31:03Bye-bye.

31:04Oh, Mooch, I had no idea he would leave you here.

31:32This is terrible.

31:34It's like the last mile.

32:02Mean old man.

32:32Don't give up, Mooch.

32:50Keep on trying.

33:19You're doing it.

33:27You did it.

33:34The world is yours.

33:43The world really will be yours, darling, if you can just get into that studio.

34:03That's it.

34:16This is where you really belong.

34:43As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.

35:05I need a lamppost by the village square.

35:18Guess who's coming to dinner?

36:48She went that-a-way!

37:19Mooch, go in there.

37:38This is Jill St. John's dressing room.

37:42And that's really Jill St. John's.

38:10I don't know if she advises you, listen.

38:12But remember, she's also a woman.

38:15And you are a competition.

38:19Hey, little dog, what are you doing in here?

38:21Come on, out.

38:22Come on.

38:23Don't send her away.

38:24Now, you stay right where you are, princess.

38:27You know, Miss Gerald, you mustn't be too hasty about these things.

38:29She could be a contract player.

38:31They're always discovering new talent, you know.

38:34Are you talented, darling?

38:44Well, she is.

38:45What did I tell you?

38:46She's probably even got her own series.

38:48Really?

38:49I'll only be a few minutes, darling, and then you can have the chair.

38:52Really?

38:54Uh, don't think it's presumptuous of me, darling.

38:57But I think since you're new to the business, I should give you a little advice.

39:01Let me see your profile.

39:04Other side.

39:07That's it.

39:08That is your good side.

39:10Remind the cameraman.

39:12And be sure to tell him no close-ups after four o'clock.

39:16Really?

39:19Oh, and the eyes.

39:21The eyes mirror the emotions.

39:24Now, I know you have a great inner depth, but the audience doesn't.

39:28Now, I suggest shading the lids with blue liner.

39:34Right, Mr. Albert?

39:35Oh, really?

39:37Miss St. John, ready on the set.

39:39Coming.

39:41You'll have to excuse me, Princess.

39:42I'm due back on the set.

39:44But we'll continue this fascinating conversation some other time.

39:49Dinner, cocktails.

39:50Call me.

39:54Owen, good luck with your series, dear.

40:03Oh, really?

40:06They come and they go.

40:10Could use a shampoo.

40:22You're beautiful.

40:23If I do say so myself.

40:32Diamond smooch, at last.

40:35Now you look like a star.

40:53Now, it weighs 500 pounds.

40:57Yes, indeed.

40:59Have a drink, my dear?

41:01Yes, it's Jim Barker's.

41:03By George, it's Jim Barker's.

41:22Oh, you shine, boy.

41:41You're a blight on the landscape.

41:43Welcome to San Clemente.

41:45A New Year's Eve party.

41:47Get out the paper hats.

41:49Champagne, my dear?

41:51I even like the corks.

41:53Pow!

41:54Wow!

41:57Well, hello there, my dear.

42:01You're a beautiful little girl.

42:03You're all gussied up, too.

42:06Hey, whose dog is this?

42:08Anybody own this dog?

42:10Oh, you just wandered in, is that it?

42:13Hey, I'm doing a guest shot.

42:15And we need a dog that looks just like you.

42:18Would you like to be on television, honey, huh?

42:20Would you?

42:21Well, now.

42:23You're in show business.

42:25The star might break a leg.

42:27We'll dance our way into their hearts.

42:38Made it big.

42:40You're big in Hollywood.

42:42You're a star.

42:44All that hustle paid off.

42:48You're number one.

42:50You're top dog now.

42:54Get it on, Mooch.

42:58Lap it on up now.

43:02And you can hear your public say

43:07it was your style that drove them wild.

43:13Mooch is here.

43:15Darling, you made it.

43:17It's fantastic.

43:19In such a short time, look at the career you made.

43:23Oh, the Bevere Clinic.

43:47Darling, the people are all here.

43:57Oh, where did you get this haunted mom?

44:00This is Mrs. Magoo.

44:01Mrs. Magoo.

44:02Oh, she's darling.

44:04You know the TV special I'm doing with the DOG?

44:06I want to show her to the producer.

44:08A great idea.

44:09You know, the casting office is right inside.

44:11And as for you, I get 10% of the bone.

44:15Is Jeremy in there?

44:16Yeah, he's in.

44:22Well, Davey, here he is.

44:26Well, Jim, at this party, you're really putting on the DOG.

44:29Oh, Davey, you can do better than that.

44:31See, I told you they were all here.

44:33Oh, you finally got in here, huh?

44:35Yes, but not alone.

44:39She's adorable.

44:40So are you, Kathy.

44:41Oh, Jim.

44:43Hello, hello.

44:44I want you to say hello to Mrs. Magoo.

44:45Encantado, preciosa, encantado.

44:47Hey, Rosie.

44:48How are you?

44:49Meet Mrs. Magoo.

44:51Then here, have a potato chip.

44:52Oh, come on.

44:53Forget it for a minute.

44:54All right.

44:55Hey, Jerry.

44:56You're the guy I want to see.

44:58Annie, who's your friend?

45:00You know that TV special we're going to do together?

45:02Yeah.

45:03For the comedy spot, huh?

45:04Hey.

45:05She got any talent?

45:06Any talent?

45:07Watch her.

45:08A little audition, baby.

45:09There you go.

45:13She's terrific.

45:14You know something?

45:15That dog will go far.

45:16Don't forget.

45:17I'm her agent.

45:18Hey, Perry.

45:19Remember, remember.

45:20It's who you're seen with that counts.

45:21I think a cigar would look better in his face, don't you see?

45:22It would go with it.

45:23A little creaky like you, then, wouldn't it?

45:24Oh, it does.

45:25Yes, it does, doesn't it?

45:26Yeah.

45:27It does.

45:28Well, look at our little poached apple.

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Mooch | Full Movie | Richard Erdman | Vincent Price, James Darren, Jill St. John, Jim Backus

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