Big Train - 206 [couchtripper][U]

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00:00So do you mind if I ask what's the idea behind this?
00:03Well, we've been looking at the world situation and we just like to draw attention to some of the things that we think are
00:07Important at this time. I'm hi. I'm here. I have a question
00:11Aren't you worried about appearing foolish? Yes. Well, we may look foolish to you, but we think we look perfectly normal
00:17What's your stance on Vietnam?
00:19Think that the the war in Vietnam is a genuine attempt by the South Vietnamese government with American assistance to to combat
00:26communism in Asia
00:30But I don't think anybody here in this room would swap their life in the West for life under a communist dictatorship
00:34Isn't this just a cheap attempt at publicity?
00:37Well for a start this hotel isn't cheap
00:41Do you also disagree with the use of hallucinogenic such as LSD? We think that LSD is completely wrong
00:49What a pair of weirdos
01:00Big train
01:23Big train
01:26He looks nice. Oh John. Yeah, he's lovely. Is he single?
01:32Yes, I think he is. He's not gay, is he?
01:35No, and he's here on his own too. Come on
01:38Don. Sophie. Sophie Don. Hello.
01:44I'm off to some sort of drink sale.
01:48So you're here on your own too?
01:56I'm just going to go and get a refill.
02:15I thought you said he wasn't gay?
02:22So the grim business of the day begins Mr. Flint. Aye sir.
02:26Many men lost today in the field
02:28Lieutenant Fitzwilliam had his all shot from underneath him. Both legs crushed beyond repair.
02:33Fine fellow. Met him and his wife at Buckminster last summer.
02:38Are you brave soldier? Aye sir. You may have to be. We ran out of whiskey some time ago.
02:44Do your worst Dr. Silasson. At least I shall fare better than poor young Johnny Fairfax.
02:49Saw his body lying in the cops not three hours ago.
02:53This July the 6th will live long in the memory. Indeed sir.
02:57I'm begging your pardon sir. Does this date not hold some other significance for you sir?
03:03I don't... Yes. Mr. Dawson. You mean it is my birthday. I'd quite forgotten.
03:09A celebration of such insignificance would seem out of place amidst the horror of battle.
03:14Dr. Sanderson. Ah nurse. Forgive me.
03:18Alright lads. Go on girl.
03:44Hey!
03:47No, no. Off you go. Off you.
03:51You monkeys.
04:03It's lovely here. Apparently the food's really good.
04:06Can I just say. I think you've got really beautiful soft hands.
04:12It's a nice menu. Yes.
04:17I'm not very good at this. What? Ordering food?
04:21I'm going on dates with men. My family's quite religious so I haven't got much experience with men.
04:29If there's any consolation. You're an absolutely delightful company and I'm having a really nice evening.
04:33Thank you. I think I might have the duck.
04:38Philip. That man looks just like George W. Bush.
04:41Who? That man there.
04:48Jane. We've been going out for six months now. I think it might be time.
04:54What do you mean?
04:57Jane. Will you marry me?
05:02Oh Philip. Yes of course I will.
05:11There we go.
05:14Philip. It's gorgeous.
05:17Maybe now you might consider, you know, what we were talking about.
05:23Philip. I always said I'd rather wait until we were married.
05:27It's not we know now we're engaged.
05:29I know. But can we just wait until the wedding night?
05:32Please. I just want it to be special.
05:35Okay.
05:37Okay.
05:44Philip. I think I'm ready.
05:51God, you're beautiful.
06:07I'm going to do my bag.
06:37You may dress like an Arab, Lawrence.
06:40But may I remind you, you're a British subject. A servant of his majesty.
06:44This plan you're proposing, you know my feelings about it.
06:47It is preposterous. It's harebrained. It'll lead you into great danger.
06:51Let me show you something, Crawshaft.
06:58What are you doing? That's not fair.
07:01I'm sorry.
07:03What are you doing? That must be tremendously painful.
07:06The trick, dear Crawshaft, is to control pain.
07:09One can block out the sensation of burning flesh and feel nothing.
07:14Lawrence, stop it. What?
07:17Stop it, man.
07:21Actually, that time I did feel a bit of tingling.
07:27And that is my proposal.
07:29And that is my proposal.
07:32Now, I am very confident that Dr. Harmer is going to like that.
07:36Okay, so please, please, please, just let Dr. Harmer have a look at it.
07:41Okay, this is how serious I am about this proposal, okay?
07:45If Dr. Harmer reads it and doesn't like it, I'll kill myself.
07:51You think I'm joking, don't you? I bought these yesterday.
07:55These are cyanide capsules.
07:57Now, we've all seen this in the movies, you know?
08:01The German, the Nazi, the leader, you know, who dies, whatever.
08:06But this is real life, and if Dr. Harmer reads that and does not like it,
08:11I will swallow one of those and I'll be dead within seconds.
08:14If he does not like the proposal, I absolutely promise I will end my own life.
08:18That's how confident I am that Dr. Harmer is going to like this proposal.
08:21Okay, let's up the stakes. Erskine.
08:24I am so confident about this proposal that I am prepared to bet
08:28not only my life, but someone else's as well.
08:31What do you say, Erskine? Are you going to join me?
08:34There's no risk involved whatsoever, okay?
08:37Because I know he's going to like it.
08:39I suppose so.
08:41Thank you, thank you. That's pretty cool.
08:43There is zero risk involved.
08:45All you have to do is show him the proposal.
08:48There's zero risk involved.
08:50All you have to do is show him the proposal, okay?
08:53And I guarantee he will love it, okay?
08:56Come on. Let's do this.
09:02Okay.
09:04Great! Great!
09:06I'm going to go out there now, and you can have Dr. Harmer in here,
09:09and then you can all tell me just how much he loves it, okay?
09:12So, anyone... Who's good at opening champagne bottles?
09:47No.
10:18What did he say?
10:20He said no.
10:22Really?
10:24Really?
10:27Well, I suppose in hindsight, I could have...
10:30I could have done a bit more work, really.
10:33And, um...
10:35Some parts of it were...
10:37Were weak.
10:40Weak, so...
10:42Okay, um...
10:44See you.
10:47Okay, yeah.
11:18Okay.
11:33You know how it is.
11:35Everyone's having a good time.
11:37You're a young man with a good job and a bright future.
11:40Enjoying a nice time with your friends.
11:43But things aren't always what they seem.
11:44Sooner or later, talk can turn away from football and the pop scene
11:48and move on to darker subjects.
11:51Subjects like buggery.
11:54You may have read about it in the newspapers.
11:56Sometimes it's called other names,
11:58like hot love or making a ham sandwich.
12:01Some people may even tell you that it's fun.
12:04Who knows?
12:06Maybe one of your friends thinks it might be fun to bugger you.
12:10Is Charlie's girlfriend really a girlfriend?
12:12Or is she another man?
12:14After all,
12:16you only met her that one time in Plymouth
12:18when the light in the discotheque was very poor.
12:21Oh, yes.
12:23It's only a bit of fun.
12:48After you, boy.
12:49Ja, coming in.
12:58Stay still, don't make a sound.
13:09Bloody hell!
13:10Bloody hell!
13:24What is the point, bloody hell?
13:27For goodness sake, it's just bloody, bloody, bloody hell!
13:40I'll see you in ten minutes, Jane.
13:42No, no, no, it's fine. Just be a second.
14:10Of all the beastly luck.
14:15Complete pandemonium.
14:17But, of course, it was then
14:19that dear old Arthur Rasky turned to me and said,
14:22it's all right, darling.
14:24If you ever play Richard the Fourth,
14:26it'll come in very handy.
14:28And, of course, what you couldn't see,
14:30it being wireless,
14:32was that dear Arthur was clinging onto that chair
14:34for dear life.
14:36Yes, and it's how he could have broken his bloody head
14:37wouldn't he?
14:39But I would like to take this opportunity
14:41to say that it was wonderful working with you.
14:43Oh, and you, darling.
14:45You're a very special lady
14:47and not only are you tremendous fun,
14:49but you're a marvellous actress
14:51with a heart of gold.
14:53Bless you, my darling.
14:54Well, bless you.
14:56Ladies and gentlemen,
14:58John Winstanley.
14:59Thank you, John.
15:01Well, after that success,
15:03you went on to star in the West End
15:05in numerous plays
15:07and, of course, many films
15:09and television shows.
15:11But there was a cloud on the horizon
15:13when your husband, Billy,
15:15became seriously ill.
15:17Billy developed a rare disease
15:19called Berlioz Syndrome.
15:21The early symptoms resemble
15:23a mild form of flu,
15:25but soon his brain shrunk to the size of an orange
15:27and pus and blood began to flow
15:29and mucus began to ooze out of his ears.
15:31Before long, cracks appeared in his skull
15:33and blood and membrane
15:35entered his digestive system.
15:37Fluid congealed in his eye sockets
15:39and he began to grow hair internally.
15:41His fingernails and toenails fell out
15:43and his armpits began to function
15:45at only 10% of their previous capacity.
15:47His nerve cells became shredded
15:49and entangled with the internal hair follicles
15:51while any erection was accompanied
15:53by excruciating and unbearable pain.
15:55He was, of course,
15:57unable to satisfy you sexually.
15:59He had a well-developed locked jaw
16:01and the bones in his arms and legs liquefied.
16:03He was unable to eat, drink,
16:05sweat or defecate
16:07and steam pumped out of his face
16:0924 hours a day.
16:11Every one of his features
16:13merged into the other
16:15and the skin fell off his bones
16:17and crumpled in a heap on the floor.
16:19Finally, in 1962,
16:21the doctors were forced
16:23to reconstruct his entire body
16:25from cat gut.
16:27But it wasn't all bad news,
16:29this is very interesting.
16:31Yeah, well, since we
16:33had these machines installed
16:35productivity in this factory
16:37has gone up considerably
16:39so we're very, very happy.
16:41Really?
16:42Very happy.
16:44And you print all sorts of things here, don't you?
16:46Yes, yes we do.
16:48We look after all your printing needs.
16:50How many people do you employ here?
16:52About 15 at the moment
16:54in this particular unit
16:56in the time we're responsible
16:57Yes, Scandinavia,
16:59particularly Sweden, Denmark,
17:01you know.
17:03So it really is
17:05a great British success story.
17:07Yes, it is.
17:09Well, I hope you've found
17:11the reduction in export duty
17:13to be helpful.
17:15Sorry, Minister, are you OK?
17:17Yes.
17:18I just hit you with this frying pan.
17:20Minister, I think we should
17:22probably move on.
17:24I'm just interested in this
17:25I really think we should move on, Minister.
17:27OK, John, we're running a bit late, are we?
17:29No, it's just that Mr Purvis
17:31is hitting you on the head with a frying pan.
17:33Yes, yes, of course.
17:35OK, well, Mr Purvis,
17:37thank you so much
17:39for showing us around the factory.
17:41It's been my pleasure.
17:43Ow!
17:45Ow!
17:47Ow!
17:49Ow!
17:51Ow!
17:53Ow!
17:55Ow!
17:57Ow!
17:59All right, thank you very much.
18:01Thanks, John, good to see you again.
18:03Shall we move on, Minister?
18:05Yes, John.
18:07OK, guys, this is it.
18:09This is what we've trained for
18:1118 months.
18:13It's no game.
18:15This is deadly serious.
18:17Anyone want to step out now,
18:19step out now.
18:21Get the job done, get it done
18:23quick, clinical, clean.
18:25Go!
18:27Go, go, go!
18:29Go, let the passengers up first!
18:34Hang on, is this East Finchley?
18:36Guys!
18:38Guys!
18:40We thought having a baby
18:42might help cement our relationship.
18:44Well, as it stands at the moment,
18:46gay men can legally adopt,
18:48but I'm afraid
18:50it's far from simple.
18:52You'd have to first of all
18:54satisfy the authorities
18:56that you're able
18:58to look after a child
19:00and fit to look after a child.
19:02Well, we haven't really
19:04been considering adoption.
19:06It would be something
19:08much further down the line.
19:10Right, OK, so in that case
19:12you must be thinking of surrogacy.
19:14Again, that would be
19:16an option that would be
19:18very much a last resort.
19:20I mean, we're still trying
19:22the usual methods.
19:23We just can't seem
19:25to make a baby.
19:27So we thought perhaps
19:29something along the lines
19:31of fertility treatment.
19:33Right.
19:35Sorry, I don't quite
19:37understand.
19:39Are you actually trying
19:41to conceive a child?
19:43We're just frustrated
19:45that at this stage,
19:47despite making love all the time,
19:49neither of us can manage
19:51to get pregnant.
19:52What?
19:54Are you saying
19:56that men can't be fathers?
19:58No, obviously,
20:00men can be fathers,
20:02but men can't
20:04get pregnant.
20:06You know, I mean,
20:08you don't have a womb.
20:10Oh.
20:12We're thinking
20:14turning the spare room
20:16into the baby.
20:18No, not a room.
20:20A womb.
20:21Let me write it down for you.
20:28Womb.
20:30What's that?
20:32Is it like a womble?
20:35Um,
20:37I really don't think
20:39I'm going to be able
20:41to help you.
20:43I'm sorry.
20:45Well,
20:47you'll have to go elsewhere then.
20:49Try the internet.
20:51Okay.
21:09Hello, sugar.
21:11Did you have a nice time?
21:13Yeah.
21:15We played past the parcel mark.
21:17Did you?
21:19And you must be Lucy then?
21:20Yeah.
21:23Hi.
21:26Mr Vaughan?
21:28Yeah, yeah. Hi, Diane. Good party.
21:30Good-o.
21:31Would you like to come in?
21:32No.
21:34No, I won't.
21:35I've got Jessica in the car.
21:37Hello. It's Sarah, isn't it?
21:39Yes.
21:40Thanks so much for bringing her back.
21:42Do you want to come in for a cup of coffee or something?
21:44You can bring Jessica in.
21:46No, thank you.
21:48We've really got to...
21:50Are you sure?
21:52Yes.
21:53Okay.
21:54Another time?
21:55Yes.
21:56Okay.
21:57Bye.
21:58Bye.
21:59Bye.
22:20Bill.
22:22Come here.
22:24Taste it.
22:26Taste it.
22:32I think you've done it.
22:34You've done it.
22:36And...
22:37And...
22:59Is this the sandwich?
23:00Yeah.
23:04How long have you had it?
23:05About 30 minutes now.
23:07David came up with it.
23:08We caught it straight away.
23:09Good.
23:11What do you think?
23:12We'll take it from here.
23:13Is this the breadboard you were using?
23:15Yes, and that's the knife.
23:17Wait a minute.
23:18You don't understand.
23:19A lot of work's gone into this.
23:21Professor,
23:22you really don't need to worry about it.
23:23Yes, sir.
23:24What happens now?
23:29What are you...
23:30What are you taking in?
23:31What are you taking in?
23:36What are you taking in?
23:37Answer my question!
23:38What are you going to do with my sandwich?
23:40What are you going to do with my sandwich?
24:11Yeah, obviously,
24:13you know, looking forward to it.
24:15Very excited about getting out of there.
24:17Obviously a bit nervous,
24:18but, you know,
24:19at this stage in the game,
24:20I'm just looking forward to
24:21getting on with it, really.
24:22Best of luck, Kenny.
24:23Thanks very much.
24:38It's very messy.
24:39There's a lot of blood,
24:40a lot of bruise.
24:41Old man Tucker.
24:42Yeah, well, his wife says
24:43she hasn't seen him for a week, so...
24:45Best get someone round there.
24:47Oh, OK,
24:48here comes the boss.
24:56Nice of you to keep me informed.
24:59Save it, Jim.
25:01Janet,
25:02this is Constable Atkins,
25:03Detective Sergeant Willoughby.
25:05Very nice to meet you.
25:06Oh, he is gorgeous.
25:08God, I'd love to go out with him.
25:10I'd love to go out with Tucker.
25:12He's really strong and handsome
25:13and I'm just a weak, silly woman.
25:16Multiple stab wounds.
25:18Happened sometime
25:19between midnight and three.
25:20Oh, they're horrible.
25:22Oh, just look at the corner.
25:23Just look at the corner.
25:25Right, OK,
25:26let's go inside, Geoff.
25:27I should warn you...
25:28Geoff,
25:29I've seen a lot of dead bodies
25:30in my time.
25:31This one's not going to be
25:32any different.
25:33Let's go inside.
25:36Name's Dick Vallance,
25:37associate of Tucker's.
25:38It's horrible.
25:39I'm going to be sick.
25:41Small-time crook.
25:42Runs a...
25:43Sorry, ran
25:44a garage in Muswell Hill.
25:45Yeah, his name came up
25:46during the investigation
25:47into the Camberwell bank job.
25:49No, it wasn't Camberwell.
25:50It was Bethnal Green.
25:51I think we're agreed
25:52it was the same outfit, Geoff.
25:53No, it's just...
25:54It was the same outfit.
25:55Let's not quibble.
25:57He's absolutely right.
25:58I got that completely wrong.
25:59What am I doing
26:00as a detective sergeant?
26:01I haven't got a clue about crime.
26:03After you, sir.
26:05He's a violent,
26:06ruthless goon.
26:07Should've got ten years
26:08for that assault
26:09on Rinty Moorhead.
26:10Ooh, I'd love some
26:11chocolate with this tea.
26:12Lovely bar of dairy milk
26:13or a big cream egg.
26:14Oh, Steve.
26:23Janet?
26:26Yeah, sorry.
26:27I slipped
26:28on the carpet.
26:30Can you get that sorted, Geoff?
26:31Get a new one.
26:32New carpet?
26:33Yes.
26:34Get a new carpet.
26:35Don't you understand?
26:36It's quite simple.
26:37In fact,
26:38that officer there
26:39can do it.
26:40Go on, off you go.
26:43Oh, he's got
26:44a fantastic arse.
26:45I'm gonna stake out
26:46Tucker's lock-up
26:47in Camden
26:48and report back
26:49in the morning.
26:50I'm coming with you.
26:51No need.
26:52There's three of us already.
26:53Look, if Tucker's
26:54gonna show,
26:55I wanna be there.
26:56That's your prerogative, Janet.
26:57She can't think
26:58of anything better
26:59to do on a Friday night.
27:00Now is my
27:01greatest moment.
27:02Now all
27:03my work
27:04shall be
27:05rewarded.
27:06That's it,
27:07you fools.
27:08In case
27:09the bull
27:10says
27:11he saw
27:12you scumbag.
27:13I'm gonna
27:14stake out
27:15Tucker's lock-up
27:16in Camden
27:17and report back
27:18in the morning.
27:19I'm coming with you.
27:20No need.
27:21There's three of us already.
27:22Look, if Tucker's
27:23gonna show,
27:24I wanna be there.
27:25That's your prerogative,
27:26Janet.
27:27She can't think of
27:28anything better
27:29to do on a Friday night.
27:30I'm gonna stake out
27:31Tucker's lock-up
27:32in Camden
27:33and report back
27:34in the morning.
27:35I'm coming with you.
27:36No need.
27:37There's three of us already.
27:38Look, if Tucker's
27:39gonna show,
27:40I wanna be there.
27:41That's it, you fools.
27:42In case
27:43the bull
27:44says
27:45he saw
27:46you scumbag.
27:47I'm gonna stake out
27:48Tucker's lock-up
27:49in Camden
27:50and report back
27:51in the morning.
27:52I'm coming with you.
27:53No need.
27:54There's three of us already.
27:55Look, if Tucker's
27:56gonna show,
27:57I wanna be there.
27:58Tear your hearts
27:59and cleanse
28:00your souls.
28:03Let's try and,
28:04let's try and,
28:05let's try and
28:06let's make this
28:07precious.
28:19Let's make this
28:20precious.
28:23Sing me a record
28:25that cries
28:26pure and true.
28:27Like this one.
28:29I'm not those
28:30guitars
28:31that are too
28:32noisy
28:33and crude.
28:34They're singing.
28:35The kind
28:36that convinces,
28:37refuses
28:38to leave.
28:41The British presentry
28:42is not represented
28:43by a new labour.
28:44I've been created
28:45from scraps
28:46and I'm absolutely
28:47furious.
28:48Mel C is the
28:49most talented
28:50of the Spice Girls.
28:51I've been searching
28:52for contact lenses.
28:53I've been searching
28:54for them everywhere.
28:55I can't find them.
28:56I can't find them.