Charlie Brooker's 2015 Election Wipe.

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First broadcast 6th May 2015.

Charlie Brooker

Morgana Robinson Various
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Catriona Knox Emily Surname

Simon McCoy
Will Hutton
Robert Hazell

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Election Wipe, a programme all about the campaign
00:25that's been happening.
00:26A campaign that's included things like this.
00:29The news has been calling it the most unpredictable election in decades.
00:33This election could be one of the most unpredictable.
00:35In one of the most unpredictable elections.
00:37Entirely unpredictable.
00:39The most unpredictable election.
00:40Unpredictable.
00:41This is the most unpredictable election.
00:43I knew they were going to say that.
00:45In a tight contest, politicians have been targeting specific groups.
00:49Cameron went after the Sikhs while Miliband courted the Hindus.
00:52But there was an awkward moment when Cameron forgot which football team he's claimed to
00:56support since childhood and was Aston vilified.
00:59Of course I'd rather you supported West Ham.
01:02Oh, um...
01:03And grave scenes for Miliband as a photo op turned into a literally monumental PR gaffe.
01:10With many predicting a hung parliament, Nick Clegg prepares to fulfil a vital role as a
01:14tough pub quiz question of the future.
01:16And biased BBC lackey Evan Davis subjected Nigel Farage to needlessly tough questions.
01:23Did you see the Paddington Bear movie last year?
01:25No.
01:26The election is incredibly close.
01:27In fact, it's tomorrow morning.
01:29But we start here.
01:31The 2015 general election campaign has lasted about a month, although it feels far longer.
01:36If you could vote to make it stop, you probably would.
01:38Actually, that's sort of what's going to happen.
01:41Before the campaign had even begun, all eyes were on Prime Minister David Cameron, who'd
01:45said this would be his last election.
01:47And things were already fractious.
01:48Critics accused him of being a chicken who was trying to avoid a live TV debate with
01:52a man he'd spent five years debating on live TV.
01:55Of course, Cameron's a dab hand at avoidance strategy, thanks to his odd habit of abruptly
01:59walking out of shot before reporters can ask any questions he might not want to answer.
02:04Right now, the key thing is getting everything done that we can in the next few hours to
02:08protect as many homes and communities as possible.
02:11Once the army's gone...
02:12OK, thank you.
02:13Fine.
02:14No, sir.
02:15That was...
02:16That was David Cameron there.
02:17But there was nowhere to run during Cameron versus Milovan, the battle for number 10,
02:20the desolation of Smaug, to give it its full title.
02:24Despite being billed as a kind of boxing match, the two men weren't actually going
02:27head-to-head.
02:28Instead, Cameron underwent a terrorising from establishment psychopath Jeremy Paxman, who
02:32opened with a characteristic ice maker.
02:35David Cameron, do you know how many food banks there were in this country when you came to
02:38power?
02:39Oh, good.
02:40It's a quiz.
02:41There were 66 when you came to power.
02:43There are now 421.
02:46Sounds bad.
02:47But on the plus side, Britain's abject desperation industry is booming.
02:50We changed the rules.
02:51The previous government didn't allow jobcentres to advertise the existence of food banks.
02:56They thought it would be bad PR.
02:57Yeah, they're not allowed to advertise nooses for much of the same reason.
03:01Next, Silver Fox torture chamber Paxman cornered the PM on zero-hours contracts, and Cameron
03:06tried to wriggle out with a zero-content answer.
03:08I am saying there are 700,000 people on zero-hours contracts.
03:13Could you live on one?
03:14Look, as I said, some people...
03:15Could you live on one?
03:17I want to create a country where more people have the opportunity of the full-time work
03:23that they want.
03:24Could you live on a zero-hours contract?
03:27That's not the question.
03:28The question is...
03:29It's the question I'm asking.
03:31Paxman won't settle for that.
03:32No.
03:33He'll smack you round the chops with an anecdote.
03:34A colleague of mine this morning spoke to a man in the North East, Patrick.
03:39He walks four hours to and from work.
03:42When he gets there, he doesn't know whether he's on for one hour or two hours, or if he's
03:46lucky, longer, and then he has to walk home again.
03:49To be fair, he does work as a shoe tester.
03:52Once Cameron was dispensed with, it was the turn of Play-Doh IT manager and Labour leader
03:56Ed Miliband.
03:57The general sense of anticipation for Miliband couldn't have been much lower.
04:00In fact, provided he didn't weep or defecate live on air, he'd be doing better than expected.
04:04To date, the most inspiring public appearance Miliband had ever made was this one earlier
04:08this year, where he was applauded for saying, uh, uh, oh, stirring stuff.
04:18And even that soaring rhetoric wasn't enough to counter the general image of him as a spod
04:22and a dweeb and a weed and a nerd and a spod again.
04:25Many said it was hard to imagine him standing in front of number 10, even when they saw
04:28him standing in front of a number 10.
04:31Before meeting Paxo, he faced the public, where it quickly became apparent this was
04:34a new Miliband we were seeing, one giving off the sort of relaxed, cheerful assurance
04:38that can only be battered into you by hours of intensive coaching.
04:42He was smiling, standing casually with his legs apart and one hand in his pocket like
04:45a trendy teacher, and scuttling to his lectern and coming back out again like a robotic hoover
04:50that needs to recharge.
04:51And he didn't seem too fazed when punters he couldn't locate asked him tricky questions
04:55about his brother David.
04:56Hi, over here.
04:57Oh, hi.
04:58Do you not think that your brother would have done a better job?
05:02Bless him, he thinks it's hilarious.
05:05It's not fair to say he stabbed his brother in the back.
05:07I mean, look, he did it to his face.
05:09But next it was time for the blood sports to commence, as Paxman the Impaler came at
05:13him with a blunt instrument.
05:14Ed Miliband, do you think Britain is full in terms of immigration?
05:19No, in terms of pudding.
05:21There were testy exchanges between the pair of them, although Miliband, rather than letting
05:24Paxo rip him a new one as expected, fought back, even mustering the odd zinger.
05:29You don't get to decide the election results six weeks before the general election.
05:32You're important, Jeremy, but not that important.
05:34It's the British people.
05:35I don't want to...
05:36It's the British people.
05:37I don't want to decide.
05:38No, come on.
05:39Pinked by this, Jezo resorted to some shaggy dog gags of his own.
05:41A bloke on the tube said to me last week...
05:44Bullshit!
05:45Ed Miliband goes into a room with Vladimir Putin, the door is closed, two minutes later
05:50the door is opened again and Vladimir Putin is standing there smiling and Ed Miliband
05:54is all over the floor in pieces.
05:56That'd never happen, Vladimir Putin can't smile.
05:59You understand what the point is here?
06:01The point is people think you're just not tough enough.
06:04Well, let me tell you, right?
06:06Let me tell you, OK?
06:09Let me tell you.
06:10Oh, it's all right, Ed, they're not laughing at you, they're just laughing over you.
06:13Quick, knock him dead with a soundbite.
06:15Am I tough enough?
06:16Am I tough enough?
06:17Hell yes, I'm tough enough.
06:18Oh, God, I think I just ruptured my cringing pipes.
06:22Worse was to come and as Miliband kept fighting his corner, Paxman readied the death blow.
06:27Newspapers can write what they like, the bloke on the tube can say what he likes.
06:30I don't care, because I care about the British people and what happens to them.
06:33The thing is...
06:39They see he was a North London geek.
06:42They see he was a North London geek.
06:44Wait a minute, how did we get here?
06:46Surely the relationship between politicians and TV wasn't always this overtly hostile,
06:50was it?
06:51Answer, no.
06:53Way back yonder, television was seen as a novelty, a sort of high-tech variety club
06:57with little relevance to politicians who expected deferential treatment and got it.
07:01Well now, Mr Eden, with your very considerable experience of foreign affairs,
07:06it's quite obvious that I should start by asking you something about the international situation today,
07:10or perhaps you would prefer to talk about her.
07:12When shall it be?
07:13But this cosy relationship changed when the launch of ITV heralded ITN News,
07:17which ripped up the establishment rulebook on political reporting
07:19and made a star of the abrasive Robin Day.
07:22Will you please get out of the way of my camera?
07:24In 1958, Day interviewed Prime Minister and footballer Harold Macmillan
07:28and asked him a question which seems mild by today's standards,
07:30but at the time was seen as outrageous.
07:33How do you feel, Prime Minister, about criticism which has been made in the last few days,
07:37in conservative newspapers particularly, of Mr Selwyn Lloyd, the Foreign Secretary?
07:41It caused an outcry but set the tone for less deferential times to come.
07:44In the 1960s, the Profumo scandal tarnished the public view of politicians
07:49and the concurrent TV satire boom made them wider targets for mockery.
07:52The power balance between TV and politicians was shifting
07:56and some political figures seemed openly affronted by the change in tone.
07:59Try and turn it into a party issue is really beyond belief contemptible.
08:05Do you feel that those who have spoken out, the bishops, the times and so on,
08:08have tried to turn it into a party issue?
08:09I think you have.
08:10Thank you, Lord Young.
08:11Politicians gradually learned to accept that what you said on TV
08:14wasn't as important as the way you came across
08:16and as a result, they became more polished.
08:19Confronted by slicker opponents,
08:20the interviewers were forced to up their game to try and unsettle them.
08:23In Robin Day's case, that meant becoming even more abrasive.
08:26Why should the public on this issue, with regards to the future of the Royal Navy,
08:30believe you, a transient, here today and, if I may say so, gone tomorrow,
08:36politician, rather than a senior officer of many years?
08:38I'm sorry, I'm shut up.
08:39It's ridiculous, Robin.
08:42Thank you, Mr Mott.
08:43And as interviewers got more aggressive, politicians got more evasive.
08:47I was entitled to be consulted.
08:48Did you threaten to overrule?
08:49I was not entitled to instruct Derek Lewis.
08:53Did you threaten to overrule him?
08:54The truth of the matter is...
08:56Did you threaten to overrule him?
08:57I did not overrule Derek Lewis.
08:59Did you threaten to overrule him?
09:00I took advice.
09:01As the two frustrated sides repeatedly locked horns,
09:04the relationship grew ever more competitive and sour.
09:07What on earth are you talking about?
09:09Do you want to address the question or not?
09:10Let me finish.
09:11You called me an attack dog because I've got a Glasgow accent.
09:16It's nothing to do with having a Glasgow accent.
09:18Who's mentioned anything about a Glasgow accent?
09:20Can we get on to the substance?
09:22Yes, have you stopped insulting people?
09:24Eventually, almost all political interviews came to resemble
09:26two people trapped in a loveless marriage,
09:29bickering on their way home from a shit dinner party.
09:31I'm fed up with you telling me what I think.
09:33I don't care what you're fed up with.
09:35And this year's election coverage hasn't been any less frosty.
09:38In the real world, Andrew, where I live,
09:40OK, unlike where you live and many other people...
09:43You have no idea where I live, just answer the question.
09:45In the real world, where I live, I'm London geek.
09:48And that brings us back to where we were.
09:51They see you as a North London geek.
09:56Who cares?
09:57Of course, MPs are used to getting a rough ride on TV,
10:00which they also will, incidentally, throughout this show,
10:02because for the sake of even-handedness,
10:04I've got to be horrible about all of them.
10:05So if I call David Cameron a boob,
10:07I have to call Ed Miliband a boob,
10:09and Nick Clegg a boob, and Nigel Farage a boob,
10:11and Natalie Bennett a boob, and Nicola Sturgeon a boob,
10:14and Leanne Wood a boob, and this kitten a boob,
10:16and myself a boob, even though I'm a prick.
10:19That's how balance works.
10:20Meanwhile, the contenders had begun heaping insults on each other
10:23as an emboldened Miliband launched the Labour campaign
10:26and took the opportunity to lay into Cameron.
10:28What did we see last night?
10:30We saw a rattled Prime Minister running from his record.
10:34Yes, and round that ragged record, the rattled rascal ran.
10:37Faced with this cockier Miliband,
10:38Cameron responded by striking a statesman-like pose
10:41as Parliament was dissolved.
10:42I've just had an audience with Her Majesty the Queen.
10:45Yeah, well, I've just had a Twix. Who's the f***ing winner here?
10:48The next Prime Minister walking through that door
10:51will be me or Ed Miliband.
10:53And having posed that cliffhanger, he then answered it
10:56by being the next Prime Minister to walk through that door.
10:58So far, the focus had been on Cameron and Miliband,
11:01but we no longer live in a two-party system
11:03or a three-party system or even a system.
11:05We may well be heading for a hung Parliament,
11:07but how would that work?
11:09Well, here to make some sense of it is Philomena Kunk.
11:11Over to you, Philomena.
11:15I'm in a sort of PlayStation House of Commons,
11:18which you can see and I can't because it's all green where I am.
11:22This election's important for politicians
11:24because if they lose, they get hung.
11:27And it's all about winning seats, which is weird
11:30because, as you can see, they're actually benches.
11:33The important bit's that white dotted finish line down there.
11:37Basically, when the votes come in,
11:39they sit in rows like a school photo
11:41until there's enough of them to go over that line.
11:44So if the Tories do brilliantly,
11:46or breed and make loads of new blue-flavoured MPs,
11:49it might look like this.
11:52See, the benches are filling up with blue stuff,
11:54like a tenor lady pad.
11:55In this case, they've got 335s worth,
11:59which means they flood over the line and they've won Britain.
12:03But what would happen if Labour did sort of OK,
12:06but not as good as that?
12:08See, that's not enough to get them over the winning line
12:10and apparently, they're not allowed to just shuffle along,
12:13sort of spacing their bums apart along the benches,
12:16so they are over the line.
12:18Instead, they have to borrow MPs off other parties.
12:22So, say they nicked 25 Liberal Democrats.
12:26That's something, but not enough.
12:29So they might have to get some SNP people in,
12:32like they've promised they definitely won't.
12:35And that does take them over the line,
12:37and the SNP and Lib Dem colours are so similar,
12:40they'd probably get on.
12:42The Tories and UKIP don't want that to happen,
12:44but the ones who'd be most angry are the Greens,
12:47because the benches were green to start with,
12:50before all the other colours came in.
12:52So they were winning by 100%,
12:55and now they've been left with fuck all, but that's democracy.
13:00Anyway, it doesn't matter what happens in here,
13:02it's outside in Great England Kingdom,
13:05where the politics actually happens.
13:07And apparently, if I do this with my arms, I'm outside now.
13:12Has it happened?
13:14Has it happened yet?
13:16Has it happened? Has it?
13:19OK.
13:20Just nod next time.
13:22So, I'm standing outside on Britain, but it's not real Britain,
13:27it's sort of jigsaw Britain.
13:28Oh, I can see it on the monitor.
13:31It's like being Godzilla or that illegal weatherman.
13:35Actually, I don't want to fall over the edge,
13:37I'll just take a few steps forward.
13:39Anyway, what happens next is some column tower things
13:43come up out of the ground,
13:45which is exactly what happened in the 2010 election.
13:50These columns aren't really there,
13:52although it looks like they are there,
13:54because I've walked behind them.
13:56So this is basically like the Matrix, it's mental.
14:00And there's also this one, which is more sort of glassy and fragile
14:05and has numbers everywhere.
14:07And as you can see, there's literally no point
14:09trying to make any sense of it.
14:11It's that complicated.
14:13Anyway, that's all with the graphics,
14:15so it's back to you, Mr Brooker,
14:17if you can hear me from wherever you are.
14:19Thank you, Philomena.
14:21Well, as you can see, it's quite complex,
14:23so to help you make up your mind, there were some multi-party debates.
14:28Sorry.
14:29Seven party leaders go face-to-face, live,
14:33in the ITV Leaders' Debate.
14:35The seven-way ITV mega-debate
14:37was essentially a colourful reboot of Borgan,
14:39presided over by Julie Etchingham,
14:41dressed in the style of someone about to extol the virtues of Oral-B pro-enamel.
14:45All the familiar suspects were present,
14:47Eddie Milbank, Sea Leg, Admiral Ackbar and Dav Cam 2000,
14:50situated near the exit in case he felt the urge
14:52to abruptly walk out of shot, as per usual.
14:54But there were also three comparatively new faces,
14:57female faces, that belonged to women.
14:59One such woman was Natalie Bennett,
15:01all the way from Sydney, representing the Green Party.
15:04Not sure how she got here from Australia.
15:06I hope she f***ing walked.
15:07We know we must take real action on climate change,
15:11the biggest threat facing us all.
15:14Other parties trade in fear,
15:17fear of immigrants demonising people on benefits.
15:22To be fair, you just told me to be scared of weather.
15:25Then there was Leanne Wood from Plaid Cymru.
15:27Prior to the debate, as Channel 4 News ably demonstrated,
15:29Leanne Wood wasn't very well known,
15:31even amongst the population of the Welsh town of Bangor.
15:34Do you know who that is?
15:36I haven't got a clue. I haven't got a clue.
15:38Erm... No.
15:40An actress?
15:41But now, here she was on primetime TV,
15:43her specialist subject mentioning Wales.
15:46Plaid Cymru can win for Wales,
15:49but you can only do that with your support.
15:53I'm asking you to support Plaid Cymru, the Party of Wales,
15:58to make our communities in Wales as strong as they can be.
16:02In Wales.
16:04Please support Plaid Cymru
16:06to make Plaid Cymru Wales' voice in Westminster.
16:10And Wales.
16:12Finally, there was the SNP's nice mum
16:14from a sensible biscuit commercial, Nicola Sturgeon,
16:16a woman trapped in a forced marriage
16:18that she literally has to pretend is tolerable.
16:20My message to people watching in England, Wales and Northern Ireland
16:23is one of friendship.
16:25The sort of friendship you treasure so much you want to annul it.
16:28Many remarked that the format resembled a game show,
16:31but it actually felt like seven game shows all happening at once,
16:34specifically Total Wipeout, Pointless, Blankety Blank, Robot Wars,
16:38Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old,
16:40The Great British Break-Up and The Immigration Game.
16:43The debate certainly helped potential voters make up their minds
16:46about a much-needed platform in which differing political views
16:49could be aired clearly and coherently and all at the same time.
16:52No immigration. I want to come back on that.
16:54This is the second time. Thank you, Nigel Farage.
16:56This is the second time in this debate.
16:58Can I answer the Syria question?
17:00I want to come back for it.
17:02Thank you, David Cameron.
17:04Well, that settles it. One person who made a splash was Nigel Farage.
17:07One of the best bits was when Nigel Fridge pointed out
17:10how much it costs when foreign people come over here
17:13with HIV smuggled inside them.
17:15There are 7,000 diagnoses in this country every year
17:19for people who are HIV positive.
17:21It's not a good place for any of them to be, I know.
17:24But 60% of them are not British nationals.
17:28It got a sort of negative response, but I don't think he went far enough.
17:32I mean, foreign HIV people are expensive,
17:35but I bet asylum seekers with cancer cost even more, the bastards.
17:40And that Pakistani schoolgirl who got shot in the head by the Taliban,
17:44the shitload of surgery she got out of us, how much did that cost?
17:47She didn't even offer to pay it back.
17:50She's too busy swanning round the world, giving speeches to the UN.
17:54Jammy cow.
17:56Immigration is one of the key issues of this election.
17:59As the news has made clear, everyone's talking about it.
18:02Can you put your hand up if you think that immigration
18:06is the most important issue here?
18:09The news strives to present a balanced take on immigration at all times,
18:13but often leads to bland and uniform coverage.
18:15That's the problem with immigration reports, they all look the same.
18:18And here to prove it is generic reporter Emily Surname,
18:21with every news report on immigration ever.
18:24A beefeater, afternoon tea, the White Cliffs of Dover,
18:29all iconic and easy to locate in the archive.
18:33Perhaps that's why they've all come to symbolise traditional Britain.
18:37But modern Britain isn't just about what Wikipedia describes
18:41as a section of coastline composed of plates of calcium carbonate.
18:45That's why I'm walking down a busy street
18:48amongst people of varied cultural backgrounds
18:51while appearing slightly detached
18:53and talking like I'm narrating a nature programme.
18:56Immigration didn't start with these West Indian immigrants in the 1950s,
19:00but since these are the earliest pictures available,
19:03TV reports on immigration sometimes do.
19:06There's also this sort of footage, which is rather edgy and bleak.
19:10It's quickly mixed through to something nice happening,
19:13although obviously it's only nice if you're not a racist.
19:16Fast forward to the present and you get this sort of thing nowadays.
19:20A niqab, a Polish shop, Chinatown, someone Welsh, a robot.
19:27By and large, they coexist harmoniously,
19:30but there can be tensions, tensions that can run high.
19:35These builders might have come from Eastern Europe or from Chichester.
19:40It's impossible to tell without asking them,
19:42which I don't have time to do
19:44because I'm about to mix through into an impressionistic montage
19:47overlaid with data too dull to take in.
19:50After that, shots of a man I'll pause with faint amusement
19:54before introducing Nigel Farage.
19:58This is Nigel Farage drinking a pint of beer.
20:02This is Nigel Farage drinking a pint of beer.
20:05This is Nigel Farage drinking a pint of beer.
20:09And this is Nigel Farage laughing and drinking a pint of beer.
20:14David Cameron isn't drinking a pint of beer in this shot.
20:17Instead, he's walking and looking serious.
20:20Ed Miliband seems happier in this shot,
20:23in which he also isn't drinking a pint of beer.
20:26These men are drinking a pint of beer,
20:28and this one looks more stereotypical than the other,
20:31so I'll ask his opinion.
20:33Because ultimately there's too many of them, there's just too many.
20:36I mean, we can't even be English anymore, there's no point.
20:39Despite my patronising nodding, not everyone agrees,
20:42something I'm going to illustrate for balance,
20:45although I'll pick a white person to do it
20:47so you don't think they've got a vested interest.
20:50Well, I just think anyone who talks about immigration
20:53as being blatantly racist.
20:55While some just don't know what to think.
20:57Yeah, I don't know what to think, to be honest.
21:00Whatever your views on immigration, there's no denying
21:03it's been mentioned during this campaign,
21:06and whenever it's mentioned, people are talking about it.
21:09In my case, talking without expressing any opinion,
21:13because that's balance.
21:15And once this link's finished and the camera's off,
21:18I'll find a coffee shop toilet to have a shit in and then go home.
21:23Emily's surname, election wipe, television.
21:27Most politicians don't want to talk about immigration
21:29until they're safely in their own car.
21:31In 2010, Gordon Brown pissed on his campaign chips
21:34by loftily dismissing a voter who'd raised the issue.
21:37She's just a sort of bigoted woman.
21:39You might not like this, but he said,
21:41what a disaster, who got me to talk to that woman?
21:44She's a bigot, or words to that effect.
21:46We want to know your response to that.
21:48You're joking!
21:49He didn't think that was bad, he even did a Sarky Zieg Heil
21:52as he got in his car.
21:53One politician determined to confront the issue is Nigel Farage,
21:56failing to notice the TARDIS materialising in front of him.
21:59Farage has succeeded in placing immigration
22:01at the forefront of the national conversation,
22:03partly by mentioning it at every possible opportunity,
22:06like the time he said he'd been late for an event
22:08because the M4 was jammed with immigrants.
22:10Well, it took me six hours and 15 minutes in the car to get here.
22:13It should have taken three and a half to four.
22:15That has nothing to do with professionalism.
22:17What it does have to do with is a country
22:19in which the population is going through the roof,
22:22chiefly because of open-door immigration
22:24and the fact that the M4 is not as navigable as it used to be.
22:27UKIP have won over many voters who feel other parties pussyfoot
22:30around immigration thanks to political correctness.
22:32Although, of course, one drawback with unapologetically tackling
22:35that sort of topic is you're often called upon to apologise.
22:38Somewhere, somehow, somebody in UKIP has made a very major error.
22:42This is our fault, it's the party's fault, hands up.
22:44If I gave the impression in that interview
22:46that I was discriminating against Romanians,
22:48then I apologise certainly for that.
22:50UKIP leader Nigel Farage apologises in person
22:53to the Thai woman described as a ting-tong by one of his MEPs.
22:57But, you know, mega, mega apologies.
23:01Love or loathe Farage, he's a character,
23:03and having character is like gold dust to politicians.
23:06That's why they go out of their way to fake it.
23:08There's a phenomenon in robotics known as the uncanny valley,
23:11the point at which a bot looks human but not human enough
23:14to be anything other than eerie.
23:16And that effectively describes how many feel
23:18about the bulk of contemporary politicians,
23:20that there's a whiff of the bland uncanny valley about them.
23:23By comparison, Farage is full of life,
23:25coughing a pint, guffawing, wearing his trademark coat,
23:28checking the White Cliffs of Dover are still there.
23:30The combination of a big issue and a big personality
23:33has made UKIP a big deal,
23:34although their campaign hasn't always gone to plan.
23:36There were awkward poster reveals, a UKIP pledge card,
23:39which is simple and informative, but let's be frank,
23:41it's clearly too big to carry in your pocket.
23:43And there were protests, which meant on one occasion
23:45Farage had to smuggle himself into his own event,
23:47a bit like an illegal immigrant.
23:49The bus driver saw these people, went round the side,
23:52and Mr Farage went in that entrance.
23:55And he had to answer questions about the polls.
23:57But do you know something?
23:58I'm not sure I take these polls very seriously.
24:00They're all over the shop.
24:01Yeah, but they don't call it a shop.
24:03They call it a polski sklep.
24:05Throughout this campaign, there was talk of a Sturgeon surge,
24:07turning the SNP leader into a sort of tartan Kardashian,
24:10posing for so many selfies,
24:12she must have appeared on more phones than Doodle Jump.
24:14You remember Doodle Jump?
24:16This was good news for the SNP
24:18who had a warehouse full of spare I Agree With Nick merchandise
24:21that had been knocking around since 2010,
24:23which could be easily updated with a minimum of effort.
24:25Yes, last time we had a general election,
24:27Nick Clegg was Nicholas Sturgeon, so to speak.
24:30Back then, he seemed different, refreshing.
24:32One of us, not one of them.
24:34I believe it's time to do things differently.
24:36I believe it's time for fairness in Britain.
24:39I believe it's time for promises to be kept.
24:43Should have promised to break some promises,
24:45then he'd have been fine.
24:47It was the blunt reality of coalition and compromise,
24:49and soon the Lib Dems broke their pledge on tuition fees,
24:52a development which led to a light outbreak of rioting
24:54and much personal derision for Clegg,
24:56the only man who seems to get less attractive the more power he gets.
24:59Soon Golden Boy was on TV with a new message
25:01that sounded like a sorrowful voicemail from a remorseful ex-boyfriend.
25:04There's no easy way to say this.
25:06We made a pledge.
25:08We didn't stick to it.
25:10And for that, I am sorry.
25:12You're not promising you're sorry, are you?
25:14I will never again make a pledge unless as a party
25:17we are absolutely clear about how we can keep it.
25:20Hang on, did you just promise not to make a pledge?
25:23Cos my logic glands can't f***ing handle this.
25:25Anyway, fast forward to now,
25:27and the Lib Dems launch their manifesto in a trendy art space.
25:30This time around it contains no rash promises,
25:32which doesn't sound very promising.
25:34They are making claims about eliminating the deficit
25:36and splashing money on the NHS,
25:38but the Lib Dems' chief pledge, OK, promise,
25:40is to provide stability.
25:42No-one is going to hold the balance of power on 8 May,
25:46and it won't be David Cameron or Ed Miliband.
25:49But it could be...
25:51Keira Knightley?
25:52Nigel Farage.
25:53Close enough.
25:55It could be...
25:56Mr Bump?
25:57Alex Salmond.
25:59A bit more likely, I suppose.
26:01Or it could be me and the Liberal Democrats.
26:04Oh. Can I have Mr Bump again?
26:06What the Lib Dems are chiefly offering
26:08is a chance to temper the other party's extremes.
26:11The blob of sour cream that cools the hot chilli,
26:13the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down,
26:16the lube on the broom handle.
26:18Every Liberal Democrat MP
26:20makes Labour's reckless borrowing less likely.
26:23Every Liberal Democrat MP
26:25makes George Osborne's ideological cuts less likely.
26:28No likey, no likely.
26:30The Liberal Democrats will add a heart to a Conservative government
26:34and a brain to a Labour one.
26:36And a prick to either of them.
26:38The question really is whether voters will think
26:40the pledge to counter extremity is a tepid offer
26:42or a shrewd and useful one,
26:44given the uncertain game of political pinball we're facing.
26:46And, of course, it depends on whether some voters
26:48can overcome their bitterness with Clegg himself.
26:50I'm a university lecturer.
26:52I've lost a lot of good students thanks to Nick Clegg.
26:55I'd be burns in hell, personally.
26:57I think you'll find, as a Liberal Democrat,
26:59he'll actually make hell less hot.
27:01Speaking of hot, smouldering Ed Miliband
27:03was busy drawing battle lines
27:05by announcing a clampdown on non-DOMs.
27:07The next Labour government will abolish the non-DOM rule.
27:10Of course, one danger of clamping down on ultra-rich non-DOMs
27:13is the country might lose money if some of them go and live abroad
27:16like they're already pretending to.
27:18By highlighting non-DOMs, Miliband was trying to paint the Conservatives
27:21as a party of privileged elitists,
27:23something he probably learned to do while growing up in Primrose Hill
27:26or Oxford University or the London School of Economics
27:29or Harvard or the Treasury.
27:31But while Labour wanted to discuss the mega-rich,
27:33the Tories were fixated on mega-death
27:35in the form of the Trident nuclear programme.
27:37Trident apparently helps keep Britain safe
27:39in the way only a terrifying arsenal of devastating nuclear warheads
27:42that could be fired in anger or error at a moment's notice can.
27:45It's kept up in Scotland because that's closer to Moscow than London is,
27:48so if we had to nuke Russia, the missiles would have less distance to fly,
27:51which is good for the environment.
27:53I'm surprised the Greens are against it.
27:55The SNP are also against renewing Trident.
27:57They'd prefer to spend the money on something more useful,
27:59like a giant white flag.
28:01Labour want to keep Trident,
28:03but Ed couldn't be trusted with it.
28:05We've already seen with Mr Miliband that he'll do anything to get into power.
28:08We saw that when he fought his own brother for the leadership.
28:11Still, a contradictory picture of Miliband was emerging from his critics.
28:14On the one hand, he was a nerdy weakling.
28:16On the other, a backstabbing ladies' man.
28:18I haven't found a villain this hard to understand
28:20since Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
28:22But a curious thing happened.
28:24Rather than wondering whether Miliband was fit to lead,
28:26people began wondering whether he was just fit.
28:28Yes, somehow he was blossoming into an unlikely sex symbol.
28:31I mean, he'd been used to women turning their backs on him,
28:33but now they were doing it because they wanted a selfie.
28:36Selfie! Selfie!
28:38And when fans weren't posing for Eddie Grahams,
28:40they were Photoshopping him into wank bank scenarios,
28:42courtesy of the Millie fandom.
28:44So at the very moment, the Tories were saying,
28:46do you really want this man to have his finger
28:48on that all-important red button?
28:50Lots of women were saying, yeah.
28:52The danger now for Diddy Cambo was that continued attacks
28:55on Miliband's character could make people see him
28:57as the leader of the nasty party,
28:59an image he'd do almost anything to neutralise.
29:02Now, bizarrely, the Prime Minister said
29:05he's taken an Easter break from campaigning today
29:08to try his hand at suckling orphan baby lambs.
29:13Oh, that little face.
29:15Oh, I just want to nuzzle in there for a great big cuddle
29:17as soon as he puts down that revolting lamb.
29:19Still, it's authentic.
29:21Cameron loves animals. Lambs, chickens, cows.
29:23Look, here he is meeting a load of them
29:25down his local Beast's Mausoleum
29:27for a publicity stunt on The Beeb.
29:29I like the thighs cos they're very juicy.
29:31You're talking about the chicken or the butcher?
29:33So is David your most famous customer?
29:35Oh, certainly not. There are plenty around here.
29:38Mr Clarkson, I expect, pops in from time to time, doesn't he?
29:41Yeah, but Clarkson drops by after they've shut
29:43demanding a steak and threatening to punch an underling.
29:46Underlining his support for the animal kingdom,
29:48Big Dave C also blithely stood by
29:50as creatures were publicly barbecued at this photo-op,
29:53which was meant to make him look like a regular guy
29:55until he was pictured eating a hot dog with a knife and fork.
29:58Christ, and you think that's posh? He eats crisps with a spoon.
30:01Meanwhile, George Osborne was out,
30:03highlighting the economy and donning the garb
30:05of the regular working man.
30:07Osborne's almost always in high-vis these days.
30:09Look, there he goes, helping to load boxes onto a lorry.
30:11That's it, take a heavy one. Cheers, mate!
30:13Here he is in high-vis in a bottling plant.
30:16Here he is touring a building site.
30:18Here he is checking out some very important plans.
30:20Here he is operating a digger.
30:22Here he is breaking into the vault
30:24of the Hatton Garden Safe Deposit Company.
30:26Hang on a minute, I thought the Tories were quite well-to-do.
30:29What would they need to rob a vault for?
30:31David Cameron promised an extra £8 billion a year
30:34for the health service in England by 2020,
30:36saying the money would come from a strong economy
30:38under a Tory government.
30:40Jesus, no wonder George couldn't tell Andrew Marr
30:42how they were going to pay for that.
30:44He's just found an extra £8 billion.
30:46All I'm asking is, where does it come from?
30:48No higher taxes, extra public spending cuts where?
30:51Well, it's part of our balanced plan,
30:53and if you look over the last five years...
30:55That's not really an answer. Well, it is, actually.
30:57About halfway through the campaign
30:59came the most exciting bit, Manifesto Week.
31:03First, Labour showed us theirs.
31:05The last Labour manifesto in 2010
31:07showed a family enjoying a nuclear holocaust
31:09and wasn't a great success.
31:11But the 2015 offering focused on painstaking fiscal prudence,
31:14with a booklet so austere it even had a front cover
31:16a bit like a Tesco Economy brand tin of tomatoes.
31:19In this topsy-turvy election, this was Labour's attempt
31:21to adopt the traditional Tory mantle
31:23of financial responsibility.
31:25And that might be a bit of an ask,
31:27since, as this illuminating documentary footage
31:29makes supremely clear, both Ed Miliband and Ed Balls
31:31had served in Gordon Brown's Treasury
31:33back when banks were free to swing from tars
31:35and fling their own shit around.
31:37Back then, Eddie Baby hung around behind Gordon Brown
31:39like an awkward teenage relative.
31:41Now he's strutted to the stage
31:43to promise financial responsibility,
31:45underpinned by his fiscal triple lock.
31:47A clear vow to protect our nation's finances.
31:50A triple lock of responsibility.
31:52Actually, that triple lock phrase seems sort of familiar.
31:55Maybe he swiped it off David Cameron,
31:57who used it back in 2007.
31:59So we propose a new triple lock on stability.
32:02Typical Labour, always borrowing.
32:04Next, it was the Tories' turn.
32:06Their manifesto resembled an insurance document,
32:08but somehow even more boring.
32:10The bacon-faced Bullingdon Borg clonked into position
32:13in front of a backdrop designed to make him look
32:15like he was trapped in an inspirational poster
32:18and promised voters a good life.
32:20The next five years are about turning
32:22the good news in our economy
32:24into a good life for you and your family.
32:27Thereby evoking visions of the charming BBC sitcom
32:30of the same name.
32:31So presumably in Cameron's Britain,
32:33you can look forward to a lifetime of scrabbling around in mud
32:35with pigs in the back of your garden
32:37while rich neighbours snoot down their noses at you.
32:39The big sexy policy announcement
32:41was a plan to give tenants in housing association properties
32:43the right to buy their homes.
32:45The next Conservative government will extend the right to buy
32:48to all housing association tenants in our country.
32:51Critics immediately claimed
32:53this would actually lead to fewer affordable homes.
32:55But look on the bright side.
32:57At the moment, only the fortunate few are rich enough to buy houses,
32:59which isn't fair.
33:00But if we end up with fewer affordable homes,
33:02then no-one will be able to afford to buy houses,
33:04and that's a level playing field,
33:06which the homeless can build houses on.
33:08Cameron then finished with a little rhyme.
33:10Let us not go back to square one.
33:12Let us finish what we've begun.
33:14Oh, he's a poet and he doesn't know it,
33:16because robots can't process poetry.
33:18Anyway, despite their differences,
33:20all three of the trad parties were basically all trying to appeal to the little guy.
33:23The average schmo. Common people.
33:25Common f***ing people. F***ing people.
33:28That's who they want to represent. F***ing people.
33:30Yes, the Conservative Party,
33:32the real party of f***ing people in our country today.
33:37The future of our country does not simply come from a few at the top.
33:41It comes from every f***ing person in our country.
33:46We can say that we will cut taxes for millions of f***ing people
33:50because that's what we've done.
33:52Not when we only reward those with the six-figure bonuses,
33:55but when we reward the hard work of every f***ing person in our country.
34:02It means we can proudly say
34:04that this is the party of f***ing people.
34:07For millions of f***ers, not just the party of f***ing f***s,
34:11but us, the party of f***ing f***s.
34:21Thank you very much.
34:24Meanwhile, the Green Party, motivated by a huge number of people,
34:28Meanwhile, the Green Party, motivated by a cynical and ugly desire
34:32to safeguard humankind's very existence,
34:34launched their manifesto at an event in Hackney.
34:37Their planet-conscious to-do list wasn't available in Dead Tree format.
34:40Instead, it existed online, which is far more eco-friendly
34:43because all you need to read it then is a factory-built computer
34:46and a constant supply of electricity.
34:48The Greens are concerned that, thanks to climate change,
34:50there soon might not be any clouds for them to keep their heads in,
34:53while the other parties protect their heads from environmental catastrophe
34:56by burying them in the sand.
34:58But at the Green manifesto event,
35:00there almost seemed to be more discussion of economy than ecology.
35:03At the heart of this manifesto is a vision of a fair economy.
35:09That fair economy demands the end to austerity.
35:13It demands that we restore and enhance the essential public services
35:18that we all, but particularly the most vulnerable, need.
35:22Fascist!
35:23The Greens clearly believe they're the goodies.
35:25One of them even looks like Bill Otti.
35:27But it turned out their financial plans haven't been thoroughly checked out.
35:30You haven't actually independently audited these figures at all.
35:33So we have to work on the figures using our own resources
35:36and doing what we think is sensible.
35:38Yes, and some of what they think is sensible sounds like bloody good fun.
35:41Here's another vision that you've outlined in your manifesto,
35:44to free all caged farm animals,
35:46chickens and pigs, out of the cages, roaming around freely.
35:49That's going to kill big farm business, isn't it?
35:52Maybe, but on the plus side, it's a real winner
35:54for any hens that have registered to vote.
35:56Anyway, when Channel 4's Michael Crick hit the Hackney streets,
35:59he struggled to find people impressed with the Green vision.
36:02They can afford to be idealistic cos, you know,
36:04it's easy to write a manifesto that's never actually going to come into practice.
36:08Jesus Christ!
36:09The one thing this election didn't have enough of was debates.
36:13There were only about 60.
36:15How are you meant to make your mind up with that?
36:18The BBC did a debate which was like the ITV one
36:21but without Cameron and Clegg.
36:22I think they'd been knocked out,
36:24so this was a bit like Judges' Hours this week on X Factor,
36:27but with talking instead of singing.
36:29Instead of being in Simon Cowell's villa, it was in David Dimbleby's ballroom.
36:32What was nice was all the politicians had driven in on segways
36:35and parked them in a row.
36:37There were more women than men in the line-up
36:39and they were all sort of left-leaning, pacifist-y women,
36:42which was refreshing because it meant it didn't just collapse
36:45into a load of angry shouting.
36:48No, it's not...
36:49And you're lying!
36:50Nigel...
36:51I believe it's what you deserve to have in now!
36:54Anyway, there was this bit where Nigel Farage said something about immigrants
36:58and Nicola Sturgeon got cross.
37:00She said there shouldn't be any difference between immigrants and emigrants,
37:04starting with the way we pronounce them.
37:06We're a nation of emigrants as well as immigrants
37:09and we should treat immigrants the way we would want emigrants
37:12from our country to be treated wherever they go to settle.
37:15Nigel Farage was there and because the others were sort of liberal,
37:19he was kind of isolated on a little island all of his own,
37:23which you'd think he'd love.
37:25It meant he'd have to work really hard at winning over the crowd,
37:28which was probably why he didn't bother.
37:30There just seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel
37:33and indeed amongst this audience, which is a remarkable audience,
37:36even by the left-wing standards of the BBC.
37:40I mean, this lot's pretty left-wing. Hang on a second.
37:44Afterwards, Farage continued to complain about left-wing bias on the BBC
37:48and not just in that debate, but what he saw as bias on comedy shows.
37:51People think the BBC's biased,
37:53but that's only because a lot of the people who appear on it
37:55seem sort of left-leaning and they say loads of liberal things
37:58and sing liberal songs and make liberal jokes.
38:01And to be fair to the BBC, it balances all of them out
38:03by doing a documentary starring Hitler every now and then.
38:06Meanwhile, in debate land,
38:07heartthrob Miliband was in his element amongst the women.
38:10Natalie Bennett for The Greens signalled her interest
38:12while Ed cockily rebuffed her with his face.
38:14We were prepared to work with Ed on a vote-by-vote basis.
38:18Then Nicola Sturgeon offered him a full relationship
38:21if he made a few changes.
38:22That's my odd offer to Ed Miliband.
38:25If he's prepared to be better than the Tories,
38:28then I'm prepared to work with him.
38:30Oh, you'd better shape up, cos she needs a man.
38:33And her heart is set on...
38:35I've got fundamental disagreements with you, Nicola.
38:37Oh, God, he's playing hard to get.
38:39Don't turn your back on that, Ed,
38:41and let David Cameron back into Downing Street.
38:43Oh, no, Nicola, look, here's the situation.
38:45It's a bit like a rom-com, this, watching a couple bicker
38:47when you just know they're going to end up in bed together.
38:49Afterwards, the world was abuzz about potential romance
38:52betwixt Ed and Nicola.
38:53Everyone loves a will-they-won't-they story,
38:55and this was no exception.
38:56Lorraine Kelly asked Ed why he was being such a commitment-phobe.
38:59Why have you ruled that out?
39:00Why do you keep saying we're not going to do it?
39:02We've got fundamental differences.
39:03While Kay Burley prodded Nicola by telling her Ed's just not that into her.
39:07We heard from Mr Miliband, he made it clear that he's not interested.
39:11Meanwhile, stern parent David Cameron reckoned
39:13the faintest whiff of romance was bad news for everyone.
39:16It might be a match made in heaven for them,
39:18but it is a match made in hell for the British economy.
39:21The topic got camel-toe so crotchety
39:23it even exacerbated his chronic walking-away condition.
39:26There'll be a constitutional crisis,
39:29and constitutional chaos, is what he said,
39:31and for once, Gordon Brown was right.
39:34Where are you going? Come back and help if it's so f***ing serious.
39:38For centuries, the English and the Scottish have been friendly neighbours,
39:42apart from the occasional massacre
39:44or ingrained, indelible, deeply-held grudge.
39:47But recently, that's gone a bit wonky.
39:50Last year, they had this referendum
39:52to see if Scotland should become a real country,
39:54like Alaska or Westeros.
39:56The Scotland fashionalists said it was a once-in-a-lifetime,
40:00never-to-be-repeated chance,
40:02and then they lost.
40:03So now they want to do it again and again and again,
40:06until everyone ticks the right box.
40:08Last year, the SNP had a man called Alex Salmond,
40:11and everyone hated him because he was so popular.
40:14So this year, Scotland sent a woman to do the elections.
40:18A few months ago, no-one had even heard of her,
40:20and now suddenly everyone was saying,
40:21Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:24Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:26Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:28Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:30Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:32Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:34Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:37Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:40Anyway, she was quite smiley,
40:42but then the paper started calling her
40:44the most dangerous woman in Britain.
40:46Like, more dangerous than Rose West or Cheryl Cole Fernandez,
40:50or whoever.
40:51The one who beat up that toilet lady.
40:53There was this calm, measured press coverage
40:55that explained the whole thing
40:57could lead to the worst crisis for Britain
40:59since the abduction of King Edward.
41:01What they'd worked out, which was really scary,
41:04was that if the SNP and Labour got more seats than the Conservatives,
41:08they could form a government and carry out their policies
41:11just because of this loophole they'd found,
41:13which is that that's how elections work.
41:16After all that talk about a clash of nations,
41:18it was time for something positive,
41:20and it came as David Cameron delivered an inspiring speech
41:23praising Britain's multicultural society,
41:25a world in which people of different races, religions,
41:28and sexual orientations can live in harmony,
41:30while a neat and educated white millionaire
41:32tells us how great that is.
41:34But his inspiring message was somewhat drowned out
41:36by an awkward faux pas.
41:38Where you can support Man United, the Windies and Team GB
41:41all at the same time.
41:43Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham.
41:45Oh, um...
41:47Yes, Cameron claimed to support West Ham,
41:50whereas he used to claim to support Aston Villa.
41:52When called on it, he explained quite simply what had happened.
41:55I'm a Villa fan.
41:56I don't know what happened to me.
41:58I must have been overcome by something this morning.
42:01But there we are.
42:03These things sometimes happen when you're...
42:06Pretending to like Aston Villa?
42:08To be fair, I suppose forgetting which football team
42:10you've claimed to follow since childhood
42:12is one of those things that just slips your mind from time to time,
42:15like what country you live in or which end of your body you shit through.
42:18Cameron's football gaffe was a rarity
42:20in what was a notably risk-averse campaign.
42:22Everything felt stiff and controlled and familiar.
42:24The leaders made like Disneyland mascots and posed with kiddy winks
42:27or stood around pointing like finger salesmen.
42:30Ed Miliband took to standing behind a statesman-like lectern
42:33wherever he went.
42:35It was supposed to make him look outstanding in his field,
42:37even when he was just outstanding in a field.
42:40Almost all the leaders were regularly seen
42:42standing in front of sycophants holding placards
42:44like they were advertising a golf sale.
42:46But these enthusiastic space fillers are bussed in by the parties,
42:49with the actual public kept at arm's length.
42:52The speech might have been at a university,
42:54but students were kept firmly outside the room.
42:57And the party publicity machines
42:59didn't appreciate the news pointing this out.
43:01How is this organised?
43:02It's part of society at university, so Conservative Future.
43:05That's some of our young volunteers.
43:07Yeah, that's our young volunteers,
43:09and we've asked them not to speak to the media.
43:11Oh, why is that?
43:13I say we're not talking to the media.
43:15But you're here with your placards and giving visual support.
43:19Nigel Farage was one of the few leaders regularly pictured out and about
43:22actually meeting the public.
43:24That's because he's a man of the people, provided they're already here.
43:27Maybe the public were kept away from the others
43:29in case they embarrassed them, as they sometimes tend to do.
43:31For instance, here we see Labour's Tristram Hunt
43:33meeting a young future voter.
43:35Do you know who you'd vote for?
43:37Er, UKIP.
43:38You'd vote UKIP? Very good. Why's that?
43:41Er, like, get all the foreigners out of the country.
43:44Meanwhile, David Cameron got melodically abused
43:46by a ukulele-toting class warrior.
43:48Bunk off back to Eton with all your recent charms.
43:52Bunk off back to Eton. Bunk off back to Eton.
43:56Journalists too generated several awkward moments.
43:59You're standing in front of a placard that says
44:01ban exploitative zero-hour contracts
44:04at an event set up by people who are on zero-hour contracts.
44:08Aren't you the hypocrite?
44:10I think we, erm...
44:12But most of the time, everything was corralled and contained.
44:15It all led to complaints that the campaign was tired and boring.
44:18Cameron in particular came in for criticism,
44:20with some people saying he didn't seem hungry enough.
44:22So you know what he did?
44:23He rolled his bally sleeves up and he fought back
44:26and turned the air blue.
44:28And I want you to take that argument that Labour make
44:30and stick it where the sun don't shine.
44:32Yes, Cameron had been rebooted with the control key held down
44:35and now he was reinvigorated and a bit pink.
44:38And if I'm getting lively about it,
44:39it's because I feel bloody lively about it.
44:41That's the truth.
44:43Steady on, Dave.
44:44Taking a...
44:45Having a...
44:46Having a...
44:47That pumps me up.
44:48And it's what's... our country.
44:50Prime Minister, I feel like we're seeing your feistier side.
44:53Is this your... yes response to critics
44:55who say you've not been passionate enough?
44:57I just say it as I see it.
44:59And I really feel... passionate about this election.
45:02We've come so far.
45:03He's certainly showing them some spunk.
45:05These supporters were lapping up this pumped-up prime minister.
45:09Meanwhile, eyebrows were raised when a radical millionaire lady killer
45:12who's convinced many not to bother voting at all met Russell Brand.
45:16Just like one of Russell Brand's movies, this Get Him To The Geek.
45:19Sitting in Russell's one opulent kitchen with a tap so huge
45:22it looks like a piece of machinery from a milking shed,
45:24the two men crossed swords.
45:26Brand established his credentials by claiming little meaningful change
45:29had happened since women got the vote back in 1928.
45:32Since then, since Sandwich, since the right of women to vote,
45:35what has meaningfully occurred...
45:37That's totally wrong. Go on, mate.
45:39Well, look, workers' rights, a national health service, a minimum wage.
45:43Yeah, but apart from that and seeing as through World War II, what else?
45:46Miliband stood up for little political guys like him against the big brand name,
45:50employing odd gestures and weird hand moves to underline his points.
45:53And it soon became apparent that Russell was rubbing off on Miliband,
45:56not like that, but in the way he started dropping his T's and saying,
45:59Godda this.
46:00First of all, you've got to do it internationally.
46:02Yeah.
46:03And Godda that.
46:04And that is hard. You ask me, you've got to do it.
46:06It was Godda awful.
46:07But it seemed Miliband had won Russell over.
46:09I think the fundamental problem with this country
46:11is that people think it's run for somebody else
46:13and the somebody else is probably somebody right at the top of society.
46:16They've got the access, the influence, the power, and it's not run for them.
46:19And that's what we've got to change.
46:21That is exactly it. That is exactly it.
46:23Sounds like he's won that vote you don't believe in.
46:25But David Cameron didn't seem very impressed.
46:27Russell Brown's a joke, all right?
46:29Ed Miliband, hang out with Russell Brown. He's a joke.
46:31This is not funny. I haven't got time to hang out with Russell Brown.
46:34This is more important. These are real people.
46:36Yes, Campbell Plops doesn't have time to hang out with Russell Brown.
46:39He's busy fielding questions from real people,
46:41like the real people he met in this enlightening interview for Heat magazine.
46:44So first up, there's a young man called Joey Essex.
46:47Hi, David. It's Joey Essex here. What are you saying?
46:50I just want to ask you a quick question.
46:52If you had to be an animal for the day or for a lifetime,
46:56what would you be and why? Question mark.
46:59I think it ought to be something at the top of the food chain, I guess.
47:02What, like a human being?
47:04Dave also took questions from Alan Carr...
47:06What's your day? It's Alan Carr here.
47:08..and Charlotte of Geordie Shore, who was having a shit.
47:11Oh, hi, Dave. Sorry you've caught us at a really awkward time.
47:15I'm just on the toilet.
47:17I'd give that question ten minutes if I were you.
47:19Steph and Dom from Gogglebox. I love them.
47:22Hi. Hi, there.
47:24Steph and Dom here from Gogglebox,
47:26and this is our question for the Prime Minister, David Cameron.
47:29Afterwards, Russell Brand made a glaring U-turn,
47:32endorsing first the Greens, then Labour, albeit a bit too late
47:35for any fans who'd torn up their voter registration cards for his approval.
47:38But what if everyone tore up their cards and nobody voted for anyone?
47:41What would that look like?
47:50The latest recount confirms no votes have been cast
47:53in this year's general election,
47:55leaving Russell Brand the default winner.
47:58Where is this called? Let me spread harmony.
48:01This is harmony, and I make faith and hope.
48:04I'm going to take him for a cobra meeting if he catches me insinuation.
48:08Hare Krishna!
48:12Brand immediately appoints his cabinet. Kate Moss becomes Chancellor.
48:16Noel Fielding is Foreign Secretary,
48:18while the Minister for Culture is a photograph of Noam Chomsky
48:21stuck to the end of a broom.
48:23Britain's former MPs are settling into their new careers.
48:26What?
48:29Ed Miliband is now a delivery boy
48:31while George Osborne works in a garden centre.
48:34But Brand's unconventional shake-up is only just beginning.
48:38Prime Minister Brand today closed the London Stock Exchange
48:42and abolished money.
48:44We're no longer mentally caged by these capitalist sick notes,
48:48these illusory IOUs, these paper shits.
48:52Well, obviously, the abolition of money changed the face of the city.
48:56Banks shut down, buildings stood completely abandoned,
49:00and without financial workers keeping the concrete dry
49:03by walking back and forth from their desks to sandwich shops and so on,
49:07the city quickly began to return to its natural state.
49:10Within a week, there was ivy completely covering the exterior of the Gherkin,
49:14gazelles grazing on the former floor of the Stock Exchange.
49:17It was really all quite serene
49:19if you ignored the massive food riots
49:21taking place the length and breadth of the country.
49:24There seems to be no end to this rioting,
49:26and of course there's nothing in the shops,
49:28which is making the looters particularly angry.
49:31As Britain burns, Prime Minister Brand is otherwise engaged
49:34doing a press junket for Get Into The Greek 2.
49:37An odyssey, if you will.
49:39No, Britain's on fire.
49:41What's that mean?
49:43His promotional obligations complete,
49:46Brand heroically insists on watching footage of the rioters.
49:51That is beautiful.
49:53Inspired by their energy, he decides to join in.
49:59The rioting continues unabated for another 72 days.
50:0389% of the country is in ruins.
50:06Desperate officials arrange for a state visit from Vladimir Putin,
50:10who is offering the UK a bailout deal in exchange for leaving NATO
50:14and establishing a Soviet missile base.
50:16I'm going to go in there and appeal to him on a human level,
50:20see what his face does.
50:22Prime Minister! Prime Minister!
50:25What, mate?
50:27Disaster strikes five minutes into the negotiations
50:30when Brand has sex with Putin's 23-year-old granddaughter
50:33in a corner of the room.
50:35Within hours, Putin flies home
50:37and orders an all-out nuclear attack on Great Britain.
50:41As missiles race towards a defenceless UK,
50:44Prime Minister Brand delivers a final address to the nation.
50:48Obviously, this nuclear attack ain't ideal,
50:51and I'm sorry that your kids are going to burn to death in your arms
50:54and all that, but on the other hand, reality is just a construct.
51:00So don't think of it as losing your existence,
51:04but gaining the ultimate freedom.
51:07Sayonara. Peace out.
51:09As the first warhead detonates over central London,
51:13the initial blast is drowned out by a collective sigh of relief
51:17from the population below,
51:19and then Brand's Britain is destroyed.
51:26TV loves to poke a mic at people and ask them what they think,
51:29although the results aren't always encouraging.
51:31For one thing, you sometimes get people who just don't care.
51:34Personally, I don't really vote any more.
51:36To be honest, I don't really vote.
51:38I know nothing about politics.
51:39Completely wrong person to be asking about that.
51:41OK, who are you going to vote for?
51:43Probably UK.
51:44Or don't know much.
51:46Evan Bansky in charge of the...
51:51The Labour Party, yes.
51:53The Budget. Who's in charge of the Budget at the moment?
51:56No, that's George Osborne.
51:57George Osborne. Which party is he?
51:59Or don't know anything.
52:00Do you think manifestos are important these days,
52:02or do you think that people already know what's going to happen?
52:04I really haven't got a clue what a manifesto is.
52:07Or you get people who hate all politicians.
52:09When I hear any politician's name,
52:11all that goes through my mind is ripoff.
52:14Or you get people who don't make sense.
52:16My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear. Vote UK.
52:19During the campaign, we have been hearing from voters across the UK
52:22who have been telling us what's important to them.
52:25Tonight, the views of a Manchester taxi driver.
52:28When TV's not out vox popping,
52:29it's patronising people by making a little film all about what they think,
52:33thereby gaining a crucial insight into the real issues facing our nation.
52:36Potholes, they're a real big problem.
52:39I drive and I'm concentrating on missing a pothole.
52:42I don't want to ruin one of my tyres or do something to my suspension.
52:46So we need to sort the roads out, we need to sort the potholes out.
52:49The thoughts of Steve Raden there in Manchester.
52:53So far, the main leaders have chiefly been surrounded by supporters or celebrities.
52:57Basically, they've had less contact with the public than that nurse who got Ebola.
53:00But the last live TV event pitted them against a whole room full of public.
53:04And it turned out the public flippin' ate them.
53:06First, Aston Villa denialist Cameron met a fan.
53:09I'm sorry, but I just think you're either deceiving the British public
53:13or you know exactly what you're going to do but you're refusing to give specifics.
53:17As the event went on, he started to perspire.
53:20Jesus Christ, he's sweating so much, he looks like he's laminated.
53:23Next, pursuited woodland creature Ed Miliband tried to win the crowd over
53:27by adapting his uh catchphrase into the much shorter whoop.
53:31Stirring stuff.
53:35Under sustained hostile questioning, he gave this provocative answer.
53:38Do you accept that when labour was last in power, it overspent?
53:43No, I don't. And I know you may not agree with that.
53:46Still, at least it couldn't get any worse. Until it did.
53:49And finally, Nick Clegg took the biggest faceful since your mum.
53:52Wondered if you've got plans for a new job after next week when you become unemployed
53:56and your party becomes an irrelevance.
53:59No, I don't.
54:01Democracy is clearly all the rage right now, but what is democracy anyway?
54:05Well, here to examine it is Philomena Kunk with one of her moments of wonder.
54:09All of nature, apart from maybe daisies and waterfalls, is a brutal struggle for power.
54:33These horse monster things are using their wooden head sticks in a primal battle
54:39to decide which of them should be in charge.
54:42The winner will become king of the herd.
54:45The other will probably have to leave and find work as a different sort of animal.
54:52Unlike animals, we don't have to fight to decide who's in charge.
54:56Instead, we do a vote. A vote that would be pointless without something called democracy.
55:04Democracy was invented in ancient Greece by the ancient Greeks.
55:09Probably after a vote.
55:12It's hard to imagine that this was the beginning of democracy.
55:16So to help you imagine, we've got two actors in expensive costumes
55:21and some other people in trainers and sheets slightly out of focus.
55:27Just like other Greek inventions like thick yoghurt, sodomy and triangles,
55:33democracy has taken the world by storm.
55:39Someone who didn't agree with democracy was Adolf Hitler.
55:43Hitler didn't have much to do with democracy at all,
55:46but people do like watching documentaries about Hitler,
55:49so we've put him in, which is democratic, which he'd hate.
55:54British democracy began in knights-in-armour times here at Runnymede,
55:59which sounds worse than it is.
56:01Britain used to be ruled by a king or queen, just like now,
56:05except back then they were treated like a god
56:08rather than a slightly better version of someone off Made in Chelsea.
56:13Royal behaviour was total shithouse,
56:16until eventually the people rose up and made King John sign the Magma Carta.
56:22According to Google Translate, Magma Carta is Latin for cardboard volcano.
56:29It was a sort of contract that granted everyone in Britain a democratic voice.
56:35Soon Britain had its own parliament,
56:37which could stop the king doing what he wanted
56:40with the simple process of cutting his head off.
56:43Parliament remains here to this day
56:46in one of the world's most iconic buildings, Big Ben House.
56:53To find out more about democracy, I've got an expert here with me.
56:58Hello, who are you?
57:00I'm Robert Hazel and I'm Professor of Government and the Constitution
57:04at University College London.
57:06What makes democracy a better way to pick a prime minister
57:11than just letting them take turns?
57:14I'm not sure how this alternative system would work,
57:17where you say, we let them take turns.
57:20Well, if, like, one does, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
57:24and then another Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
57:29And suppose we were running a company.
57:33We wouldn't allow any stranger to be in charge of it
57:36for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
57:38and then a different person to be in charge Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
57:42That's not a sensible way to go about anything.
57:44What would happen if we voted to end democracy?
57:50How would we do that?
57:52Take a vote.
57:54And what would the vote say?
57:56I vote to end democracy.
57:58And what would we put in its place?
58:01I don't know.
58:02Well, it wouldn't be a very sensible thing
58:04to end one system of government
58:06without knowing what system of government you're going to replace it with.
58:11It's like saying, let's vote to leave our house
58:15without knowing where we're going to go and live next.
58:19No-one's going to do that.
58:21I bet you are terrible to go on holiday with.
58:25Election Day is your chance to do democracy.
58:29You don't have to stand up and be counted.
58:32You can sit down and be ignored if you like.
58:35Because that's your democratic right.
58:38You can choose not to matter.
58:40And that matters if you want it to.
58:43It's up to you.
58:47Next time on Moments of Wonder,
58:49I'll be finding out how to get the noise out of plates.
58:54BEEP
58:55Well, that's all we've got time for.
58:57Vote or don't.
58:58Until next time we meet, go away.
59:23BEEP