• 2 months ago
First broadcast 31st January 2013.

Charlie Brooker

Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Doug Stanhope

Susan Calman
Richard Osman

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wiper, a programme about things that
00:26are happening.
00:27Things like this.
00:28As to depressing goings on in North Africa, the world has a new number one bogeyman and
00:33it's this guy, Mokhtar Belmokhtar, a Bin Laden 2.0 whose cheery face was scarcely off the
00:38news.
00:39There's also concern about the grim situation in Mali, although if there's one thing we
00:42should have learned from Mali, it's that every little thing is going to be alright.
00:46A major achievement for Iran's aerospace research, the country has successfully sent a capsule
00:52containing a monkey into space.
00:54Iran enjoyed heartwarming coverage, improving its international image a hundredfold by strapping
00:58a terrified primate to a plank and flinging it at the sun.
01:02Absolutely disgraceful.
01:04And speaking of disgrace...
01:05There was outrage as the BBC clumsily broadcast an episode of the otherwise cute children's
01:15show The Tweenies, featuring an unfortunate Jimmy Savile impersonation, prompting a barrage
01:20of complaints.
01:21Hello all you teddy guys and girls out there.
01:25It's weird, really, if you ask me, that people complained about that, but no one said a thing
01:30when ITV's London Tonight just casually confronted viewers with footage of another Risible cartoon
01:35figure wearing Jimmy Savile's hair.
01:38But we start here.
01:39For years, yellow jersey mannequin Lance Armstrong was a hero to millions.
01:45He won the Tour de France seven times, despite, as the coverage implied, having asthma and
01:49being so sick he needed constant attention from doctors.
01:52His was a fairytale story, albeit the kind of fairytale which starts with a hero losing
01:56a testicle to cancer, yet throughout his career he was dogged by rumours that he might be
02:00the cycling equivalent of a value range burger, a dumb chunk of meat containing substances
02:05of dubious origin.
02:07Rumours which, as ITN forensically revealed, were curtly dismissed whenever they were put
02:11to him.
02:12Lance Armstrong said sorry before, but only as a form of attack.
02:16I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry you can't dream big, and I'm sorry you don't believe in miracles.
02:20I believe in miracle drugs.
02:23Now, having been stripped of his jerseys, the news got to gorge on all the ghastly details
02:26of his fall from grace.
02:28According to reports in America this morning, Lance Armstrong was admitted doping during
02:31a TV interview.
02:33Jesus, doping during a TV interview?
02:35This guy had a problem.
02:37Yes, Armstrong was set to confess all to fearsome inquisitoress Oprah Winfrey in an encounter
02:42that was trailed like a pay-per-view smackdown.
02:44Oprah, Lance Armstrong, no holds barred.
02:50Although the way Oprah described it to inquisitive breakfast shows made it sound less like a
02:54fight and more like an erotic encounter.
02:57At the end of it, two and a half, literally two and a half hours, we both were pretty
03:02exhausted and I would say I was satisfied.
03:07It also sounds like the interview had quite a messy climax.
03:09He did not come clean in the manner that I expected.
03:14The interview itself was a sexless and forlorn affair in which Armstrong, visibly morphing
03:19into Tony Blair, which is what years of lying does to you, answered questions with the searing
03:23honesty of an unfeeling machine.
03:25Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?
03:29Yes.
03:30Was one of those banned substances EPO?
03:33Yes.
03:34Well done, you're through to the bonus round.
03:36Are you a crushing disappointment to millions?
03:39Yes.
03:40Correct, you've won seven pints of Virgin's blood.
03:43But Armstrong wasn't totally emotionless, no, he visibly buckled when recalling how
03:47he had to tell his son that the rumours were true.
03:50I told Luke, I said, Luke, I am your father.
03:58There was also the inelegant manner in which he apologised to former friend Betsy Andrew,
04:03who he viciously turned on.
04:04I said, listen, I called you crazy, I called you a bitch, I called you all these things,
04:10but I never called you fat.
04:12You sir are a gentleman, bully.
04:14Perhaps not surprisingly, Betsy herself appeared unimpressed when CNN delightedly relayed Lance's
04:19comments and she addressed him directly as a consequence.
04:22You owed it to me, Lance, and you dropped the ball.
04:24Oh, now let's not bring his ball into it.
04:27Still, never mind how people who actually knew him felt, most importantly, the news
04:30wanted to know what people on or near bicycles thought about it, and they quickly went about
04:35rounding up their opinions.
04:36I teach kids and my students have a lot of respect for him.
04:43Do you reckon they respect your hat?
04:45And I feel like he's not setting a good example for the people that they mean the most to,
04:51you know, and that lets me down in general.
04:54Oh, boo hoo, you know what, we hear a lot about the people Lance Armstrong's let down,
04:58you never hear about all the liars he's inspired.
05:01Having exhausted the pool of people riding bicycles outdoors, they moved inside, asking
05:05people at bike shops what they thought of Lys Strong.
05:08As a human being, I think he's a jerk.
05:11Would I ride with him?
05:12Yeah, I don't care.
05:14In the wake of the negative blanket coverage of their sport, it's hard to know if cyclists
05:18will ever regain their innate dignity.
05:20So how can cyclists go forward from here?
05:23Well, by pedalling, probably.
05:24But even if bikes are a bad scene, not all sport is evil, no, some of it is good, clean
05:29fun.
05:30The Olympics were 10,000 years ago, yet the depressed population of Austerity, Britain
05:35still craves their feel-good glow.
05:37That's why TV's still throwing things that are sort of Olympic in your direction.
05:41Things like this.
05:42Tonight, Olympic hero Tom Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive head first into the
05:49most terrifying challenge of their lives.
05:52Falling doesn't get tougher than this.
05:54Yes, in what is the most unedifying example of celebrity plummeting since Rod Hull, ITV
06:00have unveiled Splash, starring the nation's favourite CGI Pixar boy, Tom Daley, seen here
06:05walking around in his pants like a bloke who's misplaced his locker key.
06:09Tom Daley is brilliant at falling into water.
06:12People flail their arms around and shout, oh shit, when they fall into water, but not
06:16Tom Daley.
06:17No, he's taught himself not to do that using mental processes.
06:20Here he is talking us through the intense drama of falling into water in the manner
06:23of someone under hypnosis recounting a previous life.
06:26When I step out poolside, I can smell the chlorine.
06:30I start to climb the steps, my heart is racing, I'm on the edge, my world stops.
06:41I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall into the water.
06:47Apart from falling into water, Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly
06:51famous human beings how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully odourless turds.
06:56At times you sense what ITV really want to broadcast is celebrity stripping, but Ofcom
06:59said no, so they cleaned it with chlorine and put it on Saturday night.
07:03I suspect the whole thing was a TV experiment to find out if celebrities are affected by
07:07the law of gravity and whether they fall quicker if they're more famous.
07:10There's probably people round the back in lab coats writing all the findings down and
07:13passing it on to future generations.
07:16Basically what I'm saying is Splash is increasing human wisdom by a factor of at least 40%.
07:21The falls they do are impressively complex.
07:23Sometimes they have to perform flips and turns, which is hard, and other times they have to
07:27impersonate somebody illegally dumping a dead horse in a canal or someone who's being executed
07:31by a single gunshot to the head on the side of a dredger, which is even harder.
07:36Then it's over to the judges to decide how good they were at falling.
07:39Two of the judges are experts at falling, and one of them's Jo Brand, whose main qualification
07:44to judge a diving contest is that, like all humans, she's 98% water.
07:48Of course the intrinsic problem is that diving doesn't last very long.
07:51With only a few two-second money shots in a 90-minute show, the programme's forced to
07:55add more dubious filler than a Tesco value burger.
07:59That's why we're treated to underwhelming backstage VTs chronicling their belly-flopping journey,
08:03and repeated slow-motion shots of each dive.
08:06In fact, it's only really enlivened by revealing questioning from Gabby Logan.
08:10Listen, getting hit in the ring must hurt.
08:13Hitting the water looks pretty painful too.
08:15What's worse?
08:16That's a personal question.
08:17There are also interminable poolside street dance sequences, because people in telly seem
08:21to think you can make anything seem contemporary and entertaining by drizzling a bit of street
08:25dance onto it.
08:26Seriously, the day we finally broadcast live hangings, you'll see these pricks doing this
08:30shit round the gallows.
08:32Splash is actually from Dutchland.
08:34The Dutchanese came up with it first, and their version looks exactly the same, but
08:37the people falling in it are larger, and they're still sort of celebrities, but only in Dutch.
08:41Because they all speak in Dutch, it's the sort of thing that should be on BBC4, really,
08:45because it's basically the same as Borgen, but with gravity in it.
08:51Splash certainly generated some online commentary, which we'll explore now in a regular part
08:55of the show, in which we take a look at the kind of entirely reasonable things people
08:59are saying online about the issues of the day.
09:01It's your words, your mindset, hey, it's what you think.
09:04It's points off of you, in points off you.
09:13Yes, Linda Barker, on the dramatic and entertaining Splash, her body raised eyebrows and generated
09:18much online noise, although not everyone was impressed.
09:22For instance, Russ from Lancashire visited the Mail Online website to say,
09:27I'm stunned by the reaction to Linda's body.
09:29What's the fuss all about?
09:31She's as straight as a plank, with only a couple of fried eggs to put into that bikini
09:34of hers, that's her told.
09:36In the close-up camera shots, she looks every one of her 51 years.
09:41Russ there, apparently quite angry that a woman he doesn't know has received compliments
09:44on her physique, but I'd say you've put her firmly in her place, Russ, her 51 year
09:49old place, well done.
09:51Ria from London chips in to say,
09:57Whether it's to wave, or if she's running alongside the pool, I'm guessing she does
10:02this to elongate her torso and make it look slimmer.
10:07Well spotted, Ria, or should I call you Sherlock Holmes?
10:10Yes, as you can see from this revealing footage, not only does deceptive Linda raise her arms,
10:16but when she cynically jumps into the water, the waves distort the light, thereby further
10:21masking the shape of her liar's carcass.
10:24No point, Ria, and it's good to see women turning on each other.
10:27Finally, a real-life Barker encounter for Linda Barker fans, Hannah took to Twitter
10:32to say,
10:33I once asked Linda Barker for her autograph for a dare.
10:37She was dressed entirely in peach silk.
10:39It was 2002.
10:40Well, thanks, Hannah, a fascinating glimpse there into your life and Linda's.
10:46There was this amazing program about Africa, right, all about this country called Africa,
10:51which is why they called it that.
10:53There's always charity things saying Africa's full of starving people and you should send
10:58them your money, but that must be a con because you could see from the footage no one actually
11:02lives in Africa.
11:04It flies over for ages and there's literally no one there.
11:07And the reason no one's there is it's full of monsters.
11:10There's like sort of hairy men monsters and tall horse monsters that run around like deck
11:14chairs would if deck chairs ran, and these vagina head monsters that fight in ponds.
11:19It's really frightening.
11:20I'm glad it's miles away.
11:22Normally, animals are in zoos where people give them a sense of purpose by throwing nuts
11:27at them and watching them do tricks, but because there's no people left in Africa, the animals
11:33have gone mad.
11:34Like the elephants attack each other with their mouth sticks and the tall horse monsters
11:40have these head fighting competitions that look like they'd filmed Rocky inside two giraffes
11:45by mistake.
11:46It was a bit of a monkey and his bum was a state, right?
11:49It was all ragged.
11:50He looked like he'd been shitting, I don't know, metal hexagons or something to get an
11:54arsehole that torn up.
11:55But there's no doctors in the jungle, so he has to just walk around with it like that.
11:58It's so bleak.
12:00You can tell the animals are depressed.
12:02Some of them are just smashing stuff up.
12:05Some of them can't eat anymore, you know.
12:07Some of them can't hack it, so they just lie around.
12:10There was this gazelle that had hung itself.
12:12It'd show you amazing things you didn't know, like how gazelles can float and how baby ostriches
12:18dance to music.
12:20And how when a cricket falls on the floor, it makes a massive noise like it's made of metal.
12:27Just like how Who Framed Roger Rabbit had all the cartoons in it, this had all the animals,
12:33all the famous animals, crammed in together so the personalities clash in the jungle like
12:38I'm a celebrity.
12:40And they eat horrible things too, just like I'm a celebrity, but they don't mind if they
12:45taste of animals because they're already animals, so they can't taste it.
12:50They nicked all this other stuff from reality shows.
12:53Like they have infrared night camera, like on Big Brother, so you can see what they do
12:57at night when they've been drinking.
12:59He may have style, but he's turning out to be something of a disappointment.
13:05It's incredible what you learn, like I discovered that no matter how majestic and incredible
13:11nature is, if my phone beeps, I can just ignore Africa and check my texts without even thinking.
13:17So really, if the environment goes to shit and all those animals die, you know, I think
13:23I'll be able to carry on.
13:25In the wake of recent massacres, America has been asking itself searching questions about
13:29its apparent addiction to guns.
13:31There are now so many tragic mass shootings, they actually air public information films
13:35telling you how to survive.
13:37I'm not making this up.
13:39It may feel like just another day at the office, but occasionally, life feels more like an
13:54action movie than reality.
13:57This helpful video, which looks a bit like the most harrowing episode of the American
14:00Office ever made, teaches you how to react if a man with a shotgun goes berserk in your
14:04workplace.
14:05Apparently, you should run.
14:07If you can't run, you should hide.
14:08And if you can't hide, well...
14:11And commit to taking the shooter down.
14:14No matter what.
14:15Disgraceful.
14:16Look at that, there's four of them and only one of him.
14:21Cowards!
14:22Looking at this, it's little wonder the calls for tighter gun controls are growing louder.
14:25Well, they have to be loud to be heard over the constant sound of gunfire and screaming.
14:30It's a hot-button issue that's livened up Piers Morgan's CNN show considerably, as pro-gun
14:34guests turn up to shout at him.
14:36I'm here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms.
14:42The whole thing's become a sort of interactive game show where the viewer has to decide who
14:45the biggest prick is.
14:46I don't know, is it the shouty prick or the slimy prick?
14:49I just don't know.
14:51This week, thousands marched on Washington to call for stricter gun control.
14:55We will not step back!
14:58I wish you would, I can hear you from here, and I'm in Britain.
15:03But gun control faces an uphill struggle because some sections of US society seem to love guns
15:07more than their own children, and they feel under threat.
15:11If only gun owners had some means of defending themselves.
15:14Fox News did their bit for trigger lovers with a QVC-style rundown of some of the most
15:19popular killing machines on the market, showcased by a hot markswoman, seen here demonstrating
15:23the type of gun used in the Sandy Hook massacre.
15:26Probably one of the most popular rifles in the US right now, thanks to all the media
15:30attention.
15:31But you know what, I don't know that the media coverage has made it popular with everyone.
15:35Everyone says it's so big and scary, but that's simply, these are cosmetic features that have
15:40no bearing on the firearms functions at all.
15:43Although just to be clear, those firearms functions will kill you.
15:47My five year old nephew harvested his first deer about a month ago with my competition
15:51rifle and he was able to make this fit him.
15:53There you go, so simple a child could use it, but not outrun it.
15:57Still, the young guns do start young in the US, and their guns aren't quite so cosmetically
16:02terrifying as 5 News graphically demonstrated.
16:04This one is pinky, it's my pink .22 AR-15, and then this one is pinkalicious, my pink
16:14.22 chambered pistol.
16:16But not all kids like guns.
16:17In emotive scenes on CNN, Obama announced his plans for gun control, flanked by children
16:22who'd contacted him to ask him to do something.
16:25In the letter that Julia wrote me, she said, I know that laws have to be passed by Congress,
16:33but I beg you to try very hard.
16:36Julia, I will try very hard.
16:40Brave move, resurrecting the Jim will fix it format in this day and age.
16:44The National Rifle Association also uses kids in the row, as in this bullish advert accusing
16:48Obama of hypocrisy because his children have armed guards.
16:51Are the president's kids more important than yours?
16:54Uh, yeah.
16:56Charismatic NRA spokesman Wayne Lapierre also did his bit in a startling speech in which
17:01he claimed the only way to stop gun massacres in schools was to put more guns in schools,
17:05because...
17:06The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
17:14So what you're saying is, when the bad guy turns the gun on himself, he becomes a good
17:18guy and dies a hero.
17:21He also blamed old computer games.
17:23Vicious, violent video games with names like Bulletstorm, Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat
17:34and Splatterhouse.
17:36Although for some reason, this NRA spokes twat failed to mention certain games which
17:40had the news exercising their right to be up in arms.
17:43The National Rifle Association has taken the controversial step of launching its own video
17:47game.
17:48Yes, NRA Practice Range is intended to teach youngsters to shoot, and it's not the only
17:52NRA game.
17:53A few years back, they released this, NRA Varmint Hunter, which encourages the player
17:56to bravely murder unarmed critters like a big, brave hero.
17:59Quick, it poses no threat.
18:01Kill it.
18:02Hero!
18:03Looking at all of that, it's hard to work out why anyone would want to even live in
18:07America anymore.
18:08Well, here's someone who does.
18:10It's US comedian and drunk Doug Stanhope.
18:13He's going to convince you that the USA is great, apparently.
18:18I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
18:26America is fucking great.
18:29And it really is.
18:30I know you don't want to hear this from me, but that's the truth.
18:34Brits love to bitch about America, and they love to hate America, the government, and
18:38the wars, and the torture.
18:40But that's not life here.
18:42Come on.
18:43Life in America is actually fantastic.
18:45Everything works.
18:46Come here.
18:47You're going to be here.
18:48Just get a nonstop from Heathrow, go directly to Florida, walk down that ramp, and tell
18:53me if you can't immediately sense something's really good here.
18:58Rent a car.
18:59Get a convertible.
19:00Fill up the tank.
19:01Look at the price.
19:02Fucking $11 a gallon over there.
19:05Look at the price.
19:06You're going to fill up your tank?
19:07You're going to fill up the back seat as well, just because it's that fucking cheap comparatively?
19:12Drive down big, empty highways.
19:15Drive to the beach.
19:16There'll be a half a dozen cabana bars open.
19:18It's only 8 o'clock in the morning.
19:20And they're waving at you.
19:22They're smiling at you, and they're waving for you to come on in.
19:25They want you to be there, because they don't know yet that you don't tip.
19:30Come on in.
19:31Come on in.
19:33Have a seat at the bar.
19:34She's going to hand you a big breakfast menu.
19:36It's this big.
19:37You know what we have for traditional American breakfast?
19:40Choices.
19:41Yeah, lots of choices.
19:44You want some eggs?
19:45How do you want them done?
19:46There's 10 different ways.
19:47You want French toast?
19:48You want waffles?
19:49Pancakes?
19:50We have chocolate chip pancakes.
19:51They'll put a whipped cream smiley face right on there for your fucking British ass.
19:54Or maybe you want a whipped cream frowny face to match that dour expression.
20:00You're still trying to fight liking it here.
20:04Order a cocktail, and she's going to do something you've never seen before.
20:07She's going to pour it like this, and she's going to go up and down, and she keeps pouring
20:12it.
20:13How can this possibly be right?
20:14In the UK, when you order a mixed drink, some scientist pops out of the floorboards in a
20:20lab coat, and he's in a system of weights and measures, and a fucking stainless steel
20:25cylinder that assures that you will not get any more, even the vapors of more than one
20:30measured ounce in your fucking $15 cocktail.
20:35Life here is really fucking good.
20:38Yeah, we have a lot of dumb people here, but you can afford to be dumb here.
20:42Everything makes sense.
20:43You're lost.
20:44You don't know where you are.
20:46Where are you?
20:4777th Street?
20:48Go a block.
20:49You know what's next?
20:5078th Street!
20:51It makes sense.
20:52You don't have to think.
20:53It's not like your roads are all crisscross and mishmash, and they're all built 1100 years
20:57ago for donkeys and carts, and you don't know where the hell you are or where you're going.
21:02Hitler did his best to help the UK and level that country flat so they could start over
21:10like an extreme country makeover, and what did the Brits do?
21:15They spat in Hitler's face and built it back brick by brick exactly the way it was 1100
21:23years ago when it didn't make sense.
21:26Come to America.
21:27You can stay on my couch.
21:28If you don't like it after a week, I'll give you your money back.
21:32My God, amazing.
21:34Now here's something else that may or may not be amazing.
21:36I don't know.
21:37I haven't seen it.
21:38It's just a generic link.
21:40The original Django movie was an ultra-violent spaghetti western so full of this kind of
21:44carnage it was banned in Britain for many years.
21:46Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained, however, is an outrageous action movie set against
21:51the laugh-a-minute backdrop of slavery.
21:53Hello, you poor devils.
21:57It stars Jamie Foxx as the eponymous Django, a slave freed and mentored by the idiosyncratic
22:02bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz.
22:04After making money in the bad guy shooting industry, Django and Schultz set out to rescue
22:08Django's missing wife, Broomhilda, from the clutches of racist shitbag Leonardo DiCaprio
22:12and his uncle Tom Housemaster, played by Samuel L. Jackson, disguised as Uncle Ben of three-minute
22:16rice fame.
22:17You're scaring me.
22:18Why is I'm scaring you?
22:21Maybe she's racist.
22:23Django plays fast and loose with anything resembling facts in a similar vein to Inglourious
22:26Basterds, which also ran around with a history book on its head farting the A-team theme
22:30tune.
22:31Like Basterds, Django is both grim and hilarious and contains both the tensest and funniest
22:36moments you'll see on a cinema screen this year and a bit where a naked man has his penis
22:40shot off.
22:41You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.
22:44Basically, it makes slavery worth it.
22:47Joining me now to talk about Django are stand-up Susan Calman and human fact factory Richard
22:51Osman from Pointless, who has slaves himself.
22:54I do, yeah, I do.
22:56So this is the second film in a row where Tarantino has basically driven a bus through
23:01quite a sensitive topic.
23:03I mean, Inglourious Basterds, it was Nazis.
23:06This time, it's slavery.
23:08I thought it was great.
23:09I mean, it's the same film as Inglourious Basterds.
23:10It's identical.
23:11I was really pleasantly surprised how much I laughed in it as well.
23:15It's a film about slavery, but it's funny about slavery.
23:18But you know what?
23:19Genuinely, on a serious point, he's made a film about slavery that people are going to
23:21go and watch.
23:22It's actually quite recent past and you do forget what happened.
23:25Yes, but I mean, come on.
23:26It's not exactly a border-tight historical document.
23:30Okay, so Spielberg made Amistad and that's a proper, almost sort of documentary style
23:34account of slavery.
23:35Very reverential.
23:36Exactly.
23:37But you know, I haven't watched it.
23:38Yeah.
23:39So Amistad is a worthy film, is what you're basically saying.
23:41You wouldn't go and see a worthy film about slavery, but you'll go and see a cartoon where
23:45a man gets his penis chopped off.
23:46Well, I'm not going to see a film about slavery, essentially.
23:48I'm going to see a Quentin Tarantino film, as are lots of people.
23:51And you know what?
23:52It made me think about slavery.
23:53Because you don't care about slaves?
23:54Wow.
23:55Oh.
23:56It sounds a bit like you don't really care about slaves.
23:59No, what you're saying is, I'll care about slavery if you throw in enough people having
24:02their penises chopped off to amuse me.
24:05Me the king.
24:06Like, amuse me.
24:07Come on.
24:08I demand entertainment before I'll even remember your suffering.
24:12Afterwards, I thought for 45 to 50 seconds about slavery, which I wouldn't have done.
24:19And also, across the country, lots of people thinking for 45 seconds about slavery and
24:22that all adds up.
24:23There's been a lot of talk about the amount of violence in the film and in films in general.
24:27There's a particular shootout in it where there's a guy he uses as a kind of human shield
24:31who just explodes like a bag of blood.
24:34And I was kind of helpless with laughter at that.
24:36Is that because I'm unhinged or what?
24:40Why wasn't the violence disturbing?
24:41Well, it's not disturbing.
24:42I wouldn't say it's hilarious.
24:43It wasn't, you know, top ten comedy moments, Del Boy falling through a bar laughter.
24:49But it was funny in that it was quite cartoonish.
24:52There was so much.
24:53At one point, it was like someone throwing red paint at the screen.
24:57Whoever's in charge of the blood did a really good job.
25:00Having done the Nazis and made the Nazis fun, and having done slavery and made slavery fun,
25:05what could Tarantino possibly tackle next?
25:08I'd like to see him doing the suffragettes.
25:10When you say doing the suffragettes, what do you mean exactly, holding them down?
25:13I would like to see Tarantino's take upon the suffragette movement, because they were
25:18actually quite violent, some of the suffragettes.
25:20They blew up churches and also it was quite vicious the way they force fed them through
25:25the mouth and also tried to feed them through the anus.
25:28They force fed suffragettes through the anus?
25:30Through the anus.
25:31That's absolutely true.
25:32That's not biologically possible.
25:34Well, they didn't know a lot in those days, though.
25:36I'm not saying one would do it now.
25:38One wouldn't force feed a woman through the anus now.
25:41It honestly feels to me this discussion is for the red button.
25:45Well thank you very much for joining me.
25:47It's time to end this bit, which I've done really smoothly like that.
25:50Go away.
25:51Now we're going to look at this.
25:55Excitement in the USA as President Barack Obama is sworn in as President of the United
26:03States.
26:05The office of President of the United States.
26:07The office of President of the United States.
26:10Demonstrating far better control of her lips, popular songstress and bum owner Beyonce rounded
26:14off the spectacle by belting out the national anthem.
26:24But then controversy as some claimed Beyonce had lip synced the words and a fierce debate
26:28broke out across the news channels as everyone debated whether this was right or wrong or
26:32even mattered.
26:33Did she fake it?
26:35And if so, why should we care?
26:37Still whether live or pre-recorded, there's no denying Beyonce makes a sweeter sound than
26:41Mr. President ever will.
26:43I mean, Beyonce can hit a pitch perfect high note.
26:46The best Obama can do is let out a sort of ugly drone that kills everyone in the village.
26:55Royalty.
26:56And as Lord Harrington Wales completes his tour of duty, Sky News treats us to an intimate
27:00tour of beauty as we saw just what he's been up to down Soldier Town Way.
27:05When not machine gunning shepherds from the skies, Harry's job seems to largely consist
27:08of dressing up as Pippi Longstocking and playing FIFA on the PlayStation.
27:12Surprised he's got a PlayStation.
27:14I'd have thought he'd use a Royal Wii.
27:15I'm one of those people that love playing PlayStation and Xbox.
27:19So with my thumbs, I like to think that I'm probably quite useful.
27:22Harry's apparently flippant comparison between killing the Taliban and playing a video game
27:27didn't go down that brilliantly.
27:28Still, it's hard to fathom what people thought he was doing in Afghanistan, since Apache
27:32helicopters are a bit killy, as is army life in general, which is why he's got so much
27:37fearsome equipment.
27:39This is really just a flying gun and he's in charge of it.
27:42He's got a big cannon under his cockpit, a handgun on his waist and a terrifying four-colour
27:47Bic pen strapped to his shoulder.
27:49He can write in red, green, blue or black.
27:51Ain't that Taliban.
27:52Actually, Harry spent most of the interview complaining more about the media than the Taliban.
27:56God knows why he hates the press so much.
27:58I mean, all they've done is hack his brother's voicemail, print photos of his bum, call him
28:01a Nazi and be implicated in the tragic death of his mother when he was 12 years old.
28:05I mean, get over it.
28:07Although, to be fair, the media do get things wrong.
28:09Sky News don't even seem to know his name.
28:11They think he's called Andy.
28:13Andy's off, away from the cameras and the questions.
28:16Captain Wales runs back to the life he's come to love.
28:22Sorry, I forgot you were still there.
28:24That's about all we've got time for this week.
28:27Until then, go away.