First broadcast 31st January 2013.
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Doug Stanhope
Susan Calman
Richard Osman
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Doug Stanhope
Susan Calman
Richard Osman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wiper, a programme about things that
00:26are happening.
00:27Things like this.
00:28As to depressing goings on in North Africa, the world has a new number one bogeyman and
00:33it's this guy, Mokhtar Belmokhtar, a Bin Laden 2.0 whose cheery face was scarcely off the
00:38news.
00:39There's also concern about the grim situation in Mali, although if there's one thing we
00:42should have learned from Mali, it's that every little thing is going to be alright.
00:46A major achievement for Iran's aerospace research, the country has successfully sent a capsule
00:52containing a monkey into space.
00:54Iran enjoyed heartwarming coverage, improving its international image a hundredfold by strapping
00:58a terrified primate to a plank and flinging it at the sun.
01:02Absolutely disgraceful.
01:04And speaking of disgrace...
01:05There was outrage as the BBC clumsily broadcast an episode of the otherwise cute children's
01:15show The Tweenies, featuring an unfortunate Jimmy Savile impersonation, prompting a barrage
01:20of complaints.
01:21Hello all you teddy guys and girls out there.
01:25It's weird, really, if you ask me, that people complained about that, but no one said a thing
01:30when ITV's London Tonight just casually confronted viewers with footage of another Risible cartoon
01:35figure wearing Jimmy Savile's hair.
01:38But we start here.
01:39For years, yellow jersey mannequin Lance Armstrong was a hero to millions.
01:45He won the Tour de France seven times, despite, as the coverage implied, having asthma and
01:49being so sick he needed constant attention from doctors.
01:52His was a fairytale story, albeit the kind of fairytale which starts with a hero losing
01:56a testicle to cancer, yet throughout his career he was dogged by rumours that he might be
02:00the cycling equivalent of a value range burger, a dumb chunk of meat containing substances
02:05of dubious origin.
02:07Rumours which, as ITN forensically revealed, were curtly dismissed whenever they were put
02:11to him.
02:12Lance Armstrong said sorry before, but only as a form of attack.
02:16I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry you can't dream big, and I'm sorry you don't believe in miracles.
02:20I believe in miracle drugs.
02:23Now, having been stripped of his jerseys, the news got to gorge on all the ghastly details
02:26of his fall from grace.
02:28According to reports in America this morning, Lance Armstrong was admitted doping during
02:31a TV interview.
02:33Jesus, doping during a TV interview?
02:35This guy had a problem.
02:37Yes, Armstrong was set to confess all to fearsome inquisitoress Oprah Winfrey in an encounter
02:42that was trailed like a pay-per-view smackdown.
02:44Oprah, Lance Armstrong, no holds barred.
02:50Although the way Oprah described it to inquisitive breakfast shows made it sound less like a
02:54fight and more like an erotic encounter.
02:57At the end of it, two and a half, literally two and a half hours, we both were pretty
03:02exhausted and I would say I was satisfied.
03:07It also sounds like the interview had quite a messy climax.
03:09He did not come clean in the manner that I expected.
03:14The interview itself was a sexless and forlorn affair in which Armstrong, visibly morphing
03:19into Tony Blair, which is what years of lying does to you, answered questions with the searing
03:23honesty of an unfeeling machine.
03:25Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?
03:29Yes.
03:30Was one of those banned substances EPO?
03:33Yes.
03:34Well done, you're through to the bonus round.
03:36Are you a crushing disappointment to millions?
03:39Yes.
03:40Correct, you've won seven pints of Virgin's blood.
03:43But Armstrong wasn't totally emotionless, no, he visibly buckled when recalling how
03:47he had to tell his son that the rumours were true.
03:50I told Luke, I said, Luke, I am your father.
03:58There was also the inelegant manner in which he apologised to former friend Betsy Andrew,
04:03who he viciously turned on.
04:04I said, listen, I called you crazy, I called you a bitch, I called you all these things,
04:10but I never called you fat.
04:12You sir are a gentleman, bully.
04:14Perhaps not surprisingly, Betsy herself appeared unimpressed when CNN delightedly relayed Lance's
04:19comments and she addressed him directly as a consequence.
04:22You owed it to me, Lance, and you dropped the ball.
04:24Oh, now let's not bring his ball into it.
04:27Still, never mind how people who actually knew him felt, most importantly, the news
04:30wanted to know what people on or near bicycles thought about it, and they quickly went about
04:35rounding up their opinions.
04:36I teach kids and my students have a lot of respect for him.
04:43Do you reckon they respect your hat?
04:45And I feel like he's not setting a good example for the people that they mean the most to,
04:51you know, and that lets me down in general.
04:54Oh, boo hoo, you know what, we hear a lot about the people Lance Armstrong's let down,
04:58you never hear about all the liars he's inspired.
05:01Having exhausted the pool of people riding bicycles outdoors, they moved inside, asking
05:05people at bike shops what they thought of Lys Strong.
05:08As a human being, I think he's a jerk.
05:11Would I ride with him?
05:12Yeah, I don't care.
05:14In the wake of the negative blanket coverage of their sport, it's hard to know if cyclists
05:18will ever regain their innate dignity.
05:20So how can cyclists go forward from here?
05:23Well, by pedalling, probably.
05:24But even if bikes are a bad scene, not all sport is evil, no, some of it is good, clean
05:29fun.
05:30The Olympics were 10,000 years ago, yet the depressed population of Austerity, Britain
05:35still craves their feel-good glow.
05:37That's why TV's still throwing things that are sort of Olympic in your direction.
05:41Things like this.
05:42Tonight, Olympic hero Tom Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive head first into the
05:49most terrifying challenge of their lives.
05:52Falling doesn't get tougher than this.
05:54Yes, in what is the most unedifying example of celebrity plummeting since Rod Hull, ITV
06:00have unveiled Splash, starring the nation's favourite CGI Pixar boy, Tom Daley, seen here
06:05walking around in his pants like a bloke who's misplaced his locker key.
06:09Tom Daley is brilliant at falling into water.
06:12People flail their arms around and shout, oh shit, when they fall into water, but not
06:16Tom Daley.
06:17No, he's taught himself not to do that using mental processes.
06:20Here he is talking us through the intense drama of falling into water in the manner
06:23of someone under hypnosis recounting a previous life.
06:26When I step out poolside, I can smell the chlorine.
06:30I start to climb the steps, my heart is racing, I'm on the edge, my world stops.
06:41I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall into the water.
06:47Apart from falling into water, Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly
06:51famous human beings how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully odourless turds.
06:56At times you sense what ITV really want to broadcast is celebrity stripping, but Ofcom
06:59said no, so they cleaned it with chlorine and put it on Saturday night.
07:03I suspect the whole thing was a TV experiment to find out if celebrities are affected by
07:07the law of gravity and whether they fall quicker if they're more famous.
07:10There's probably people round the back in lab coats writing all the findings down and
07:13passing it on to future generations.
07:16Basically what I'm saying is Splash is increasing human wisdom by a factor of at least 40%.
07:21The falls they do are impressively complex.
07:23Sometimes they have to perform flips and turns, which is hard, and other times they have to
07:27impersonate somebody illegally dumping a dead horse in a canal or someone who's being executed
07:31by a single gunshot to the head on the side of a dredger, which is even harder.
07:36Then it's over to the judges to decide how good they were at falling.
07:39Two of the judges are experts at falling, and one of them's Jo Brand, whose main qualification
07:44to judge a diving contest is that, like all humans, she's 98% water.
07:48Of course the intrinsic problem is that diving doesn't last very long.
07:51With only a few two-second money shots in a 90-minute show, the programme's forced to
07:55add more dubious filler than a Tesco value burger.
07:59That's why we're treated to underwhelming backstage VTs chronicling their belly-flopping journey,
08:03and repeated slow-motion shots of each dive.
08:06In fact, it's only really enlivened by revealing questioning from Gabby Logan.
08:10Listen, getting hit in the ring must hurt.
08:13Hitting the water looks pretty painful too.
08:15What's worse?
08:16That's a personal question.
08:17There are also interminable poolside street dance sequences, because people in telly seem
08:21to think you can make anything seem contemporary and entertaining by drizzling a bit of street
08:25dance onto it.
08:26Seriously, the day we finally broadcast live hangings, you'll see these pricks doing this
08:30shit round the gallows.
08:32Splash is actually from Dutchland.
08:34The Dutchanese came up with it first, and their version looks exactly the same, but
08:37the people falling in it are larger, and they're still sort of celebrities, but only in Dutch.
08:41Because they all speak in Dutch, it's the sort of thing that should be on BBC4, really,
08:45because it's basically the same as Borgen, but with gravity in it.
08:51Splash certainly generated some online commentary, which we'll explore now in a regular part
08:55of the show, in which we take a look at the kind of entirely reasonable things people
08:59are saying online about the issues of the day.
09:01It's your words, your mindset, hey, it's what you think.
09:04It's points off of you, in points off you.
09:13Yes, Linda Barker, on the dramatic and entertaining Splash, her body raised eyebrows and generated
09:18much online noise, although not everyone was impressed.
09:22For instance, Russ from Lancashire visited the Mail Online website to say,
09:27I'm stunned by the reaction to Linda's body.
09:29What's the fuss all about?
09:31She's as straight as a plank, with only a couple of fried eggs to put into that bikini
09:34of hers, that's her told.
09:36In the close-up camera shots, she looks every one of her 51 years.
09:41Russ there, apparently quite angry that a woman he doesn't know has received compliments
09:44on her physique, but I'd say you've put her firmly in her place, Russ, her 51 year
09:49old place, well done.
09:51Ria from London chips in to say,
09:57Whether it's to wave, or if she's running alongside the pool, I'm guessing she does
10:02this to elongate her torso and make it look slimmer.
10:07Well spotted, Ria, or should I call you Sherlock Holmes?
10:10Yes, as you can see from this revealing footage, not only does deceptive Linda raise her arms,
10:16but when she cynically jumps into the water, the waves distort the light, thereby further
10:21masking the shape of her liar's carcass.
10:24No point, Ria, and it's good to see women turning on each other.
10:27Finally, a real-life Barker encounter for Linda Barker fans, Hannah took to Twitter
10:32to say,
10:33I once asked Linda Barker for her autograph for a dare.
10:37She was dressed entirely in peach silk.
10:39It was 2002.
10:40Well, thanks, Hannah, a fascinating glimpse there into your life and Linda's.
10:46There was this amazing program about Africa, right, all about this country called Africa,
10:51which is why they called it that.
10:53There's always charity things saying Africa's full of starving people and you should send
10:58them your money, but that must be a con because you could see from the footage no one actually
11:02lives in Africa.
11:04It flies over for ages and there's literally no one there.
11:07And the reason no one's there is it's full of monsters.
11:10There's like sort of hairy men monsters and tall horse monsters that run around like deck
11:14chairs would if deck chairs ran, and these vagina head monsters that fight in ponds.
11:19It's really frightening.
11:20I'm glad it's miles away.
11:22Normally, animals are in zoos where people give them a sense of purpose by throwing nuts
11:27at them and watching them do tricks, but because there's no people left in Africa, the animals
11:33have gone mad.
11:34Like the elephants attack each other with their mouth sticks and the tall horse monsters
11:40have these head fighting competitions that look like they'd filmed Rocky inside two giraffes
11:45by mistake.
11:46It was a bit of a monkey and his bum was a state, right?
11:49It was all ragged.
11:50He looked like he'd been shitting, I don't know, metal hexagons or something to get an
11:54arsehole that torn up.
11:55But there's no doctors in the jungle, so he has to just walk around with it like that.
11:58It's so bleak.
12:00You can tell the animals are depressed.
12:02Some of them are just smashing stuff up.
12:05Some of them can't eat anymore, you know.
12:07Some of them can't hack it, so they just lie around.
12:10There was this gazelle that had hung itself.
12:12It'd show you amazing things you didn't know, like how gazelles can float and how baby ostriches
12:18dance to music.
12:20And how when a cricket falls on the floor, it makes a massive noise like it's made of metal.
12:27Just like how Who Framed Roger Rabbit had all the cartoons in it, this had all the animals,
12:33all the famous animals, crammed in together so the personalities clash in the jungle like
12:38I'm a celebrity.
12:40And they eat horrible things too, just like I'm a celebrity, but they don't mind if they
12:45taste of animals because they're already animals, so they can't taste it.
12:50They nicked all this other stuff from reality shows.
12:53Like they have infrared night camera, like on Big Brother, so you can see what they do
12:57at night when they've been drinking.
12:59He may have style, but he's turning out to be something of a disappointment.
13:05It's incredible what you learn, like I discovered that no matter how majestic and incredible
13:11nature is, if my phone beeps, I can just ignore Africa and check my texts without even thinking.
13:17So really, if the environment goes to shit and all those animals die, you know, I think
13:23I'll be able to carry on.
13:25In the wake of recent massacres, America has been asking itself searching questions about
13:29its apparent addiction to guns.
13:31There are now so many tragic mass shootings, they actually air public information films
13:35telling you how to survive.
13:37I'm not making this up.
13:39It may feel like just another day at the office, but occasionally, life feels more like an
13:54action movie than reality.
13:57This helpful video, which looks a bit like the most harrowing episode of the American
14:00Office ever made, teaches you how to react if a man with a shotgun goes berserk in your
14:04workplace.
14:05Apparently, you should run.
14:07If you can't run, you should hide.
14:08And if you can't hide, well...
14:11And commit to taking the shooter down.
14:14No matter what.
14:15Disgraceful.
14:16Look at that, there's four of them and only one of him.
14:21Cowards!
14:22Looking at this, it's little wonder the calls for tighter gun controls are growing louder.
14:25Well, they have to be loud to be heard over the constant sound of gunfire and screaming.
14:30It's a hot-button issue that's livened up Piers Morgan's CNN show considerably, as pro-gun
14:34guests turn up to shout at him.
14:36I'm here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms.
14:42The whole thing's become a sort of interactive game show where the viewer has to decide who
14:45the biggest prick is.
14:46I don't know, is it the shouty prick or the slimy prick?
14:49I just don't know.
14:51This week, thousands marched on Washington to call for stricter gun control.
14:55We will not step back!
14:58I wish you would, I can hear you from here, and I'm in Britain.
15:03But gun control faces an uphill struggle because some sections of US society seem to love guns
15:07more than their own children, and they feel under threat.
15:11If only gun owners had some means of defending themselves.
15:14Fox News did their bit for trigger lovers with a QVC-style rundown of some of the most
15:19popular killing machines on the market, showcased by a hot markswoman, seen here demonstrating
15:23the type of gun used in the Sandy Hook massacre.
15:26Probably one of the most popular rifles in the US right now, thanks to all the media
15:30attention.
15:31But you know what, I don't know that the media coverage has made it popular with everyone.
15:35Everyone says it's so big and scary, but that's simply, these are cosmetic features that have
15:40no bearing on the firearms functions at all.
15:43Although just to be clear, those firearms functions will kill you.
15:47My five year old nephew harvested his first deer about a month ago with my competition
15:51rifle and he was able to make this fit him.
15:53There you go, so simple a child could use it, but not outrun it.
15:57Still, the young guns do start young in the US, and their guns aren't quite so cosmetically
16:02terrifying as 5 News graphically demonstrated.
16:04This one is pinky, it's my pink .22 AR-15, and then this one is pinkalicious, my pink
16:14.22 chambered pistol.
16:16But not all kids like guns.
16:17In emotive scenes on CNN, Obama announced his plans for gun control, flanked by children
16:22who'd contacted him to ask him to do something.
16:25In the letter that Julia wrote me, she said, I know that laws have to be passed by Congress,
16:33but I beg you to try very hard.
16:36Julia, I will try very hard.
16:40Brave move, resurrecting the Jim will fix it format in this day and age.
16:44The National Rifle Association also uses kids in the row, as in this bullish advert accusing
16:48Obama of hypocrisy because his children have armed guards.
16:51Are the president's kids more important than yours?
16:54Uh, yeah.
16:56Charismatic NRA spokesman Wayne Lapierre also did his bit in a startling speech in which
17:01he claimed the only way to stop gun massacres in schools was to put more guns in schools,
17:05because...
17:06The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
17:14So what you're saying is, when the bad guy turns the gun on himself, he becomes a good
17:18guy and dies a hero.
17:21He also blamed old computer games.
17:23Vicious, violent video games with names like Bulletstorm, Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat
17:34and Splatterhouse.
17:36Although for some reason, this NRA spokes twat failed to mention certain games which
17:40had the news exercising their right to be up in arms.
17:43The National Rifle Association has taken the controversial step of launching its own video
17:47game.
17:48Yes, NRA Practice Range is intended to teach youngsters to shoot, and it's not the only
17:52NRA game.
17:53A few years back, they released this, NRA Varmint Hunter, which encourages the player
17:56to bravely murder unarmed critters like a big, brave hero.
17:59Quick, it poses no threat.
18:01Kill it.
18:02Hero!
18:03Looking at all of that, it's hard to work out why anyone would want to even live in
18:07America anymore.
18:08Well, here's someone who does.
18:10It's US comedian and drunk Doug Stanhope.
18:13He's going to convince you that the USA is great, apparently.
18:18I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
18:26America is fucking great.
18:29And it really is.
18:30I know you don't want to hear this from me, but that's the truth.
18:34Brits love to bitch about America, and they love to hate America, the government, and
18:38the wars, and the torture.
18:40But that's not life here.
18:42Come on.
18:43Life in America is actually fantastic.
18:45Everything works.
18:46Come here.
18:47You're going to be here.
18:48Just get a nonstop from Heathrow, go directly to Florida, walk down that ramp, and tell
18:53me if you can't immediately sense something's really good here.
18:58Rent a car.
18:59Get a convertible.
19:00Fill up the tank.
19:01Look at the price.
19:02Fucking $11 a gallon over there.
19:05Look at the price.
19:06You're going to fill up your tank?
19:07You're going to fill up the back seat as well, just because it's that fucking cheap comparatively?
19:12Drive down big, empty highways.
19:15Drive to the beach.
19:16There'll be a half a dozen cabana bars open.
19:18It's only 8 o'clock in the morning.
19:20And they're waving at you.
19:22They're smiling at you, and they're waving for you to come on in.
19:25They want you to be there, because they don't know yet that you don't tip.
19:30Come on in.
19:31Come on in.
19:33Have a seat at the bar.
19:34She's going to hand you a big breakfast menu.
19:36It's this big.
19:37You know what we have for traditional American breakfast?
19:40Choices.
19:41Yeah, lots of choices.
19:44You want some eggs?
19:45How do you want them done?
19:46There's 10 different ways.
19:47You want French toast?
19:48You want waffles?
19:49Pancakes?
19:50We have chocolate chip pancakes.
19:51They'll put a whipped cream smiley face right on there for your fucking British ass.
19:54Or maybe you want a whipped cream frowny face to match that dour expression.
20:00You're still trying to fight liking it here.
20:04Order a cocktail, and she's going to do something you've never seen before.
20:07She's going to pour it like this, and she's going to go up and down, and she keeps pouring
20:12it.
20:13How can this possibly be right?
20:14In the UK, when you order a mixed drink, some scientist pops out of the floorboards in a
20:20lab coat, and he's in a system of weights and measures, and a fucking stainless steel
20:25cylinder that assures that you will not get any more, even the vapors of more than one
20:30measured ounce in your fucking $15 cocktail.
20:35Life here is really fucking good.
20:38Yeah, we have a lot of dumb people here, but you can afford to be dumb here.
20:42Everything makes sense.
20:43You're lost.
20:44You don't know where you are.
20:46Where are you?
20:4777th Street?
20:48Go a block.
20:49You know what's next?
20:5078th Street!
20:51It makes sense.
20:52You don't have to think.
20:53It's not like your roads are all crisscross and mishmash, and they're all built 1100 years
20:57ago for donkeys and carts, and you don't know where the hell you are or where you're going.
21:02Hitler did his best to help the UK and level that country flat so they could start over
21:10like an extreme country makeover, and what did the Brits do?
21:15They spat in Hitler's face and built it back brick by brick exactly the way it was 1100
21:23years ago when it didn't make sense.
21:26Come to America.
21:27You can stay on my couch.
21:28If you don't like it after a week, I'll give you your money back.
21:32My God, amazing.
21:34Now here's something else that may or may not be amazing.
21:36I don't know.
21:37I haven't seen it.
21:38It's just a generic link.
21:40The original Django movie was an ultra-violent spaghetti western so full of this kind of
21:44carnage it was banned in Britain for many years.
21:46Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained, however, is an outrageous action movie set against
21:51the laugh-a-minute backdrop of slavery.
21:53Hello, you poor devils.
21:57It stars Jamie Foxx as the eponymous Django, a slave freed and mentored by the idiosyncratic
22:02bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz.
22:04After making money in the bad guy shooting industry, Django and Schultz set out to rescue
22:08Django's missing wife, Broomhilda, from the clutches of racist shitbag Leonardo DiCaprio
22:12and his uncle Tom Housemaster, played by Samuel L. Jackson, disguised as Uncle Ben of three-minute
22:16rice fame.
22:17You're scaring me.
22:18Why is I'm scaring you?
22:21Maybe she's racist.
22:23Django plays fast and loose with anything resembling facts in a similar vein to Inglourious
22:26Basterds, which also ran around with a history book on its head farting the A-team theme
22:30tune.
22:31Like Basterds, Django is both grim and hilarious and contains both the tensest and funniest
22:36moments you'll see on a cinema screen this year and a bit where a naked man has his penis
22:40shot off.
22:41You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.
22:44Basically, it makes slavery worth it.
22:47Joining me now to talk about Django are stand-up Susan Calman and human fact factory Richard
22:51Osman from Pointless, who has slaves himself.
22:54I do, yeah, I do.
22:56So this is the second film in a row where Tarantino has basically driven a bus through
23:01quite a sensitive topic.
23:03I mean, Inglourious Basterds, it was Nazis.
23:06This time, it's slavery.
23:08I thought it was great.
23:09I mean, it's the same film as Inglourious Basterds.
23:10It's identical.
23:11I was really pleasantly surprised how much I laughed in it as well.
23:15It's a film about slavery, but it's funny about slavery.
23:18But you know what?
23:19Genuinely, on a serious point, he's made a film about slavery that people are going to
23:21go and watch.
23:22It's actually quite recent past and you do forget what happened.
23:25Yes, but I mean, come on.
23:26It's not exactly a border-tight historical document.
23:30Okay, so Spielberg made Amistad and that's a proper, almost sort of documentary style
23:34account of slavery.
23:35Very reverential.
23:36Exactly.
23:37But you know, I haven't watched it.
23:38Yeah.
23:39So Amistad is a worthy film, is what you're basically saying.
23:41You wouldn't go and see a worthy film about slavery, but you'll go and see a cartoon where
23:45a man gets his penis chopped off.
23:46Well, I'm not going to see a film about slavery, essentially.
23:48I'm going to see a Quentin Tarantino film, as are lots of people.
23:51And you know what?
23:52It made me think about slavery.
23:53Because you don't care about slaves?
23:54Wow.
23:55Oh.
23:56It sounds a bit like you don't really care about slaves.
23:59No, what you're saying is, I'll care about slavery if you throw in enough people having
24:02their penises chopped off to amuse me.
24:05Me the king.
24:06Like, amuse me.
24:07Come on.
24:08I demand entertainment before I'll even remember your suffering.
24:12Afterwards, I thought for 45 to 50 seconds about slavery, which I wouldn't have done.
24:19And also, across the country, lots of people thinking for 45 seconds about slavery and
24:22that all adds up.
24:23There's been a lot of talk about the amount of violence in the film and in films in general.
24:27There's a particular shootout in it where there's a guy he uses as a kind of human shield
24:31who just explodes like a bag of blood.
24:34And I was kind of helpless with laughter at that.
24:36Is that because I'm unhinged or what?
24:40Why wasn't the violence disturbing?
24:41Well, it's not disturbing.
24:42I wouldn't say it's hilarious.
24:43It wasn't, you know, top ten comedy moments, Del Boy falling through a bar laughter.
24:49But it was funny in that it was quite cartoonish.
24:52There was so much.
24:53At one point, it was like someone throwing red paint at the screen.
24:57Whoever's in charge of the blood did a really good job.
25:00Having done the Nazis and made the Nazis fun, and having done slavery and made slavery fun,
25:05what could Tarantino possibly tackle next?
25:08I'd like to see him doing the suffragettes.
25:10When you say doing the suffragettes, what do you mean exactly, holding them down?
25:13I would like to see Tarantino's take upon the suffragette movement, because they were
25:18actually quite violent, some of the suffragettes.
25:20They blew up churches and also it was quite vicious the way they force fed them through
25:25the mouth and also tried to feed them through the anus.
25:28They force fed suffragettes through the anus?
25:30Through the anus.
25:31That's absolutely true.
25:32That's not biologically possible.
25:34Well, they didn't know a lot in those days, though.
25:36I'm not saying one would do it now.
25:38One wouldn't force feed a woman through the anus now.
25:41It honestly feels to me this discussion is for the red button.
25:45Well thank you very much for joining me.
25:47It's time to end this bit, which I've done really smoothly like that.
25:50Go away.
25:51Now we're going to look at this.
25:55Excitement in the USA as President Barack Obama is sworn in as President of the United
26:03States.
26:05The office of President of the United States.
26:07The office of President of the United States.
26:10Demonstrating far better control of her lips, popular songstress and bum owner Beyonce rounded
26:14off the spectacle by belting out the national anthem.
26:24But then controversy as some claimed Beyonce had lip synced the words and a fierce debate
26:28broke out across the news channels as everyone debated whether this was right or wrong or
26:32even mattered.
26:33Did she fake it?
26:35And if so, why should we care?
26:37Still whether live or pre-recorded, there's no denying Beyonce makes a sweeter sound than
26:41Mr. President ever will.
26:43I mean, Beyonce can hit a pitch perfect high note.
26:46The best Obama can do is let out a sort of ugly drone that kills everyone in the village.
26:55Royalty.
26:56And as Lord Harrington Wales completes his tour of duty, Sky News treats us to an intimate
27:00tour of beauty as we saw just what he's been up to down Soldier Town Way.
27:05When not machine gunning shepherds from the skies, Harry's job seems to largely consist
27:08of dressing up as Pippi Longstocking and playing FIFA on the PlayStation.
27:12Surprised he's got a PlayStation.
27:14I'd have thought he'd use a Royal Wii.
27:15I'm one of those people that love playing PlayStation and Xbox.
27:19So with my thumbs, I like to think that I'm probably quite useful.
27:22Harry's apparently flippant comparison between killing the Taliban and playing a video game
27:27didn't go down that brilliantly.
27:28Still, it's hard to fathom what people thought he was doing in Afghanistan, since Apache
27:32helicopters are a bit killy, as is army life in general, which is why he's got so much
27:37fearsome equipment.
27:39This is really just a flying gun and he's in charge of it.
27:42He's got a big cannon under his cockpit, a handgun on his waist and a terrifying four-colour
27:47Bic pen strapped to his shoulder.
27:49He can write in red, green, blue or black.
27:51Ain't that Taliban.
27:52Actually, Harry spent most of the interview complaining more about the media than the Taliban.
27:56God knows why he hates the press so much.
27:58I mean, all they've done is hack his brother's voicemail, print photos of his bum, call him
28:01a Nazi and be implicated in the tragic death of his mother when he was 12 years old.
28:05I mean, get over it.
28:07Although, to be fair, the media do get things wrong.
28:09Sky News don't even seem to know his name.
28:11They think he's called Andy.
28:13Andy's off, away from the cameras and the questions.
28:16Captain Wales runs back to the life he's come to love.
28:22Sorry, I forgot you were still there.
28:24That's about all we've got time for this week.
28:27Until then, go away.