• 3 months ago
First broadcast 14th February 2013.

Charlie Brooker

Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk

Richard Herring
Tony Law
Tim Key

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme all about things
00:25that are happening.
00:27Things like this.
00:28The contaminated beef scandal continues to deepen.
00:31It turns out some fiendish lasagnas may have had more horse in them than Catherine the
00:34Great.
00:35As angry consumers blame the government, David Cameron promises he's going to get a firm
00:40grip on your meat.
00:42The Pope gives up poping for Lent.
00:44Many are shocked.
00:45You're jogging?
00:46The Pope?
00:47Oh my God.
00:48A furious God shocked the Vatican and in startling scenes hurled a rock at the planet in response
00:56to the Pope stepping down.
00:58Or maybe he's just angry about gay marriage.
01:00It's hard to tell with God.
01:01He's ever so weird.
01:02Meanwhile, this roof indicates Barclays will elect the new Pope.
01:06And in astonishing scenes, David Beckham forgets his kit and is forced to do his thrilling
01:10new advert in his pants.
01:15That is the kind of thing that's been happening.
01:18But we start here.
01:19I don't know about you, but when I ate a burger, I used to think, hmm, what a tasty compacted
01:23disc of minced tissue scrapings blasted off a cow carcass with a high pressure hose and
01:27a fly-blown abattoir ringing with the incoherent agonised howls of simple beasts dying from
01:31a single bolt gun shot to the forehead.
01:33But now it turns out it might not have been as appetising as that.
01:36Good evening, supermarket shelves are being cleared of frozen burgers tonight after reports
01:41that some contain DNA from horses.
01:44A few weeks ago, the news went a bit silent witnessed Tesco edition as cheap burgers were
01:48being illegally cut with horse.
01:50Being caught out flogging a dead horse was bad publicity for Tesco.
01:54Many of us don't want to eat horse.
01:55We're not barbarians.
01:57Although barbarians are precisely the people Tesco apparently use to choose produce for
02:01their customers, as their alarming new ad campaign makes clear.
02:04That's the last time you're going to see that falcon, unless you pick up some meatballs
02:08on the way out.
02:09Obviously, you can't trust flipping Conan here to possibly tell the difference between
02:13a cow and a horse.
02:14I mean, look, he probably thinks that avocado is a dragon's egg.
02:17Mind you, you never know what weird mash-up food you're going to get in Tesco.
02:20Those were probably laid by a horse.
02:21Bet that melon's full of pig guts and f*** knows how you make tiger loaf.
02:25And it wasn't just horse rearing up unexpectedly.
02:28It was also revealed some halal prison food contained an insulting amount of pig.
02:32Halal meat eaters were as stunned as halal cows aren't.
02:36But the steady gallop of nasty food stories was about to become a stampede as the top
02:40story basically became, eugh.
02:43The horse meat scandal deepens.
02:45Thinned-ass lasagnas have been found to contain up to 100% horse meat.
02:50100% horse meat?
02:52That is a complete myth.
02:54By now, the revelations were piling up like mangled horses at Beecher's Brook, and the
02:58news was full of more pink, meaty, glistening close-up shots than a year's subscription
03:02to Penthouse, as well as upsetting testimony from members of the public dismayed to discover
03:07they may have unwittingly noshed off a horse.
03:09For Alfie Green, beef lasagna was a teatime favourite.
03:13Not anymore.
03:14So, will you be eating any more of these?
03:16No, not no more.
03:17We won't.
03:18Definitely not.
03:19Oh, come on.
03:20Let's not be too hasty.
03:21Don't go mad.
03:22You'll miss out on this kind of gourmet experience.
03:23I bet your mouth's watering at home.
03:29To discuss the grim scandal, Sky paraded a paddock full of food experts on screen, some
03:34of whom did their best to lighten the distressing news by describing the crisis in the voice
03:38of Ronnie Corbett.
03:39Well, what's supposed to happen is that the supermarket checks on your behalf.
03:43Supermarkets are experts in food.
03:46You know what?
03:47He may sound funny, but he really knows the food chain.
03:48No, we're talking about the food chain, and at one end, meat comes out, and cows normally
03:54go in, but somewhere in the food chain, horses came in and meat came out.
04:01This guy is good.
04:03This whole thing has been a PR disaster for Findus, which is a shame because their lasagnas
04:07always look really nice in the lovingly shot adverts.
04:10I mean, look at that.
04:11No hooves sticking out of it or anything.
04:13That's it, son.
04:14Eat your horse.
04:15Giddy up.
04:16Back in the pre-horse meat scandal days, Findus used to run an impressively chic advert for
04:20their gourmet range created by a suave French chef.
04:23Candles, wine, music, and the secret weapon, a recipe from Jean-Christophe Novelli himself.
04:31Yes, Jean-Christophe Novelli used to be the credible face of Findus lasagna, prepping
04:35the food in a notably horseless kitchen.
04:37I wonder if he's ever used horse.
04:39I mean, I'm sure if he has, he only used the finest quality Parisian horse.
04:44Created by me.
04:45Frozen by Findus.
04:46And ridden by jockeys.
04:48We've been asked to point out that Jean-Christophe Novelli has in no way been implicated in the
04:52horse meat scandal.
04:55Of course, thanks to television, we've become accustomed to seeing food prepared in picturesque
04:59kitchens like this, whereas as Sky News starkly depicted, Findus lasagnas are actually made
05:03in places like this.
05:05In fact, rather than friendly Findus, they're actually manufactured by the less appetizing
05:08sounding Commigel, who supply lovingly mass-produced frozen dead animal gobble pots for companies
05:13all over Europe, the trail of suspect meat being detailed on the news like a map from
05:18Invasion of the Edible Horse Creatures.
05:20In fact, thanks to the charming accompanying footage we've seen of the depressing interiors
05:24of food processing plants, the whole thing is starting to feel uncomfortably close to
05:27the plot of the superbly depressing 70s dystopian epic Soylent Green, in which Charlton Heston
05:33discovers processed food is being manufactured from the corpses of recently euthanized people.
05:39If I was the food industry, which I'm not, I'd actually turn the uncertainty over what's
05:42in our meat into a plus.
05:44I'd market it as the safari in your mouth burger.
05:47It's an entire animal kingdom in a bun.
05:49Who knows what you're going to get.
05:50It could be cow, pig, horse, meerkat, or all of the above.
05:55The horse meat scandal has generated much discussion, some of it online, as we'll see
05:59now.
06:00These are your words, your opinions.
06:02It's what you think.
06:03It's Points Off Of You, in Points Off You.
06:12The news that horse meat has been found in beef products has made many people very angry.
06:17For instance, Muzo felt driven to visit Yahoo to ponder, I wonder who has been tampering
06:23with it?
06:24I think we might find out it's related to immigrants.
06:27I think you'll find the horses were immigrants, Romanian immigrants at that, coming over here
06:30taking British cows' jobs.
06:33Food Minister David Heath popped up all over the news to reassure consumers, urging them
06:37not to needlessly throw meat away.
06:40A sentiment that annoyed Sam, who went to the BBC news site to say, how dare the government
06:46tell us what we can and cannot do?
06:48If I want to bin meat, that is my choice, my right.
06:52I'm half tempted to ruin lots of meat to make a point.
06:57Well good luck with that, Sam, although I'd say you'd be hard pressed to make the point
07:00any more cogently than you just did.
07:02The BAFTAs were held on Sunday, which made for glittering and exciting viewing.
07:06Helen Mirren shocked and stunned everyone watching with a snazzy new pink hairdo.
07:10Her new hairstyle prompted much discussion.
07:12For instance, E went on to Yahoo to say, my kid's primary school headmistress had pink
07:17flashes in her white blonde hair, and she was a mature lady.
07:21She was a fantastic headmistress, and led the way with her mantra, in a multicultural
07:24school, that everyone was special, individual creativity was applauded, and there was no
07:30school uniform.
07:31The school had excellent discipline and great results.
07:34School uniforms stifle individuality and creativity.
07:38Food for thought there, although I'm not sure it's entirely relevant to the topic under
07:42discussion here.
07:43Thank you anyway.
07:44P, meanwhile, similarly expressed admiration for Helen's hair, stating simply, defo worth
07:49a bang.
07:50Oh P, you are a card.
07:52The one show usually has these guests, like someone off Waterloo Road, or a bloke who knows
07:57shitloads about the history of tarmac, but the other day, there was this bald bloke on,
08:01and I was across the room, and I thought, oh, it's Jesper Carrot, maybe they're doing
08:05Golden Balls again.
08:06But it wasn't Jesper Carrot, it was Bruce Willis.
08:10Bruce Willis, right, had done this film called A Good Day to Die Hard, and it had this brilliant
08:15trailer full of, like, amazing things happening, like explosions, and more explosions, which
08:22is brilliantly done.
08:23All the fire looks hot and everything.
08:25Hardly anyone seemed to have seen this Die Hard 5 thing until just before it came out.
08:28It was like the film people were keeping it secret, so no one could spoil it for you by
08:33saying, hey, it's brilliant, just before you paid to see it.
08:35But Matt Baker and Alex Jones had seen it, and they obviously loved it, because they
08:39kept telling Bruce Willis it was great.
08:41And it is absolutely incredible.
08:45You've raised the bar as far as action movies are concerned.
08:47Bruce Willis seemed sort of humble about how good he knew the film was.
08:51Like, he could hardly talk about it, it was so humble.
08:54It has that Die Hard oomph to it, so.
08:58Seriously, he was so torn up with pride, he just had to look at the floor and hardly say
09:03anything.
09:03Like, when they asked if his daughters had seen it.
09:06Have the girls seen the film?
09:11Like, you could see in his eyes he was really proud of this film.
09:15The exciting looking film where you machine guns all the terrorists for, like, the fifth
09:19time, which looks brilliant.
09:21He's managed to make the same film five times without dying on the inside.
09:26Or looking like he doesn't really have much enthusiasm for the whole fucking thing anymore,
09:30and just wishes it would stop.
09:32That's not what he looks like.
09:34Matt Baker, I introduced a clip from Moonlighting, and you could tell Bruce was excited.
09:39A lot of people will remember you from Moonlighting, back in 85.
09:43It kind of launched you, didn't it?
09:44Let's just remind ourselves for all those that may have forgotten.
09:47Here we go.
09:47Oh, Moonlighting looked brilliant.
09:50Sort of effervescent, like full of life, but not as good as the new film that looks amazing
09:57with all the stuff that blows up, and the exciting shooting and everything, and all
10:02the computerised pictures where everything explodes, and the big writing, and the banging,
10:07and the booming sounds.
10:12In terms of noise alone, it's probably the best film ever.
10:16Later, they mentioned Bruce's singing career when he did Under the Boardwalk,
10:20and he was chuffed they brought that up.
10:23You should sing Under the Boardwalk.
10:25Oh, I will.
10:27They showed a bit of it, actually, all that entertaining footage of him singing
10:31these classic songs in front of some black blokes in the 80s.
10:34It was great.
10:40Not as great as the film he's done, but looks really incredible with all the
10:43helicopters and the death in it, obviously, because that's amazing.
10:48Then he sort of made a sound with a harmonica and got a nice round of applause.
11:01And I thought, oh, he must have overcome something.
11:03That's why they're being nice.
11:05Good for you, Bruce.
11:07Hope the film makes loads of money.
11:09I really do, because it looks good, that film, with all the amazing explosions
11:14and the shooting in it, and the helicopter and everything.
11:18And then him killing people, like really killing lots of people with guns,
11:24like people were mums and dads in histories.
11:26And he just mows them all down because they're sort of bad, probably.
11:31I don't know, I haven't seen it.
11:33But I expect they are, otherwise he's a fucking murderer.
11:36I always thought all marriages were same-sex marriages.
11:39After all, married couples end up having the same sex over and over again
11:42until it's as emotionally involving as flossing your teeth.
11:45So on the face of it, the thought of two people with matching goolies
11:48walking down the aisle seems about as controversial as, I don't know,
11:50two people who are quite into Game of Thrones getting married.
11:53But apparently, it's a bit more controversial than that.
11:56The recent Commons vote on same-sex marriages exposed ructions in the Tory
12:00party as the modernisers went up against the traditionalists.
12:04I say traditionalists, but the traditional argument has actually changed.
12:08The traditional argument against anything gay used to be,
12:11eurgh, bummers, eurgh, I don't like it.
12:14I mean, not so long ago, even the BBC could openly express that attitude.
12:18For many of us, this is revolting, men dancing with men.
12:21That is revolting.
12:23There'll be too time to fuck each other afterwards.
12:25But today's modern progressive traditionalists accept the notion of gay sex,
12:29as long as it's not in their backyard or rammed down their throat.
12:33And a handful of them repeatedly popped up on the news to explain
12:36their opposition to gay marriage is nothing to do with bedroom squeamishness.
12:39No, it's to do with other issues, such as timing.
12:43I mean, why now when there are more important issues?
12:46It's not the priority, the economy's the priority.
12:49In 26 years as an MP, I never once got a letter calling for gay marriage.
12:55Oh, that's a shame. You're quite a good-looking bloke. I'd marry you.
12:59Another objection widely voiced across the news
13:01is that this is an attempt to redefine marriage.
13:03The significant number in his party will not support what they see
13:07as an attempt to redefine marriage.
13:10We are changing the definition of marriage, a redefinition of marriage.
13:15We begin to live in sort of Alice in Wonderland.
13:17We begin to make things topsy-turvy. We begin to redefine language.
13:21It's an interesting philosophical point, but surely if I choose to redefine a spoon
13:25as something I shove up my arse,
13:27it doesn't stop you enjoying your pudding unless I use your spoon.
13:31But perhaps the biggest objection widely voiced across the news
13:34is that David Cameron simply doesn't have a mandate for this kind of thing.
13:37Neither the Prime Minister nor any of the other party leaders has a mandate.
13:41There's no mandate for this at all.
13:42There's no mandate.
13:43No mandate.
13:44No mandate.
13:45He has got no mandate.
13:46No mandate.
13:47No mandate.
13:48No mandate? Well, if Cameron's got no mandate,
13:50maybe he can borrow some from Sasha Distel.
13:52Hello, I am Sasha Distel.
13:55They asked me to try Mandate, and now I wear it all the time.
13:58Because it's sophisticated, long-lasting, and very sexy.
14:07Mandate sings my songs.
14:14Mandate speaks my language.
14:16Yes, as this masculine and evocative ad artfully demonstrates,
14:19Mandate is the sole reserve of heterosexuals.
14:21And when I'm relaxing, need I say more?
14:25That's all right. It's in my work.
14:27Oh, thank God for that. I thought it was your husband.
14:29And you don't have a mandate for that, you mucky Frenchman.
14:33Mandate says a lot for a man.
14:38Anyway, that's the anti-camp. Not that I'm calling them camp.
14:40What about the pro-gay body?
14:42Typically, the pinko, leftist, liberal, lefty, communist, left-wing media
14:46was doing its bit to promote diversity by showing us gay couple after gay couple.
14:51We saw gay couples so laid back they seemed to be feeding their baby to a dog.
14:55We saw a gay couple so close they could finish each other's sentences.
14:59And we looked to upgrade to marriage from a civil union, simply because...
15:06because we want to have the same equality as everybody else.
15:10Gay marriage looks fun.
15:11And a gay couple that resembled the most progressive ventriloquist act of all time.
15:15It's the thing of almost a civil partnership isn't good enough to be a marriage.
15:19And even we have this conversation with people and we say, we're getting married.
15:23Thing is, all these gay couples look alike to me. I mean, look at this gay couple.
15:26Why should we not be equal to anybody else?
15:28Just the same as this gay couple.
15:30People say gay marriage. It isn't gay marriage. It's just marriage.
15:33And this gay couple.
15:34About dignity for lesbian and gay people.
15:37I thought they liked diversity. They all look the same.
15:39Even Hugh Edwards doesn't seem to think they're all that.
15:42You've got a stable relationship, five kids. What's the big deal?
15:45Of course, it's not just MPs who take a view on gay marriage. Other humans do too.
15:49The new Archbishop of Canterbury, seen here passing his initiation test by pointing to where God lives, is opposed to it.
15:55Whereas this northern fisherman thinks it's fine.
15:58My brother were gay, so I don't object to it. And I loved him.
16:02This guy doesn't believe in it.
16:03Based on my Christian beliefs, I don't agree with gay marriages at all.
16:08And some couples aren't that impressed, actually, are they, love?
16:11We're not that impressed, actually. Are we, love?
16:16Oh, marriage.
16:18As the Pinkmageddon vote approached, the news cameras were pointing at the Commons.
16:22With the gay floodgates about to open, traditional values were already slipping.
16:26Trendy progressive Channel 4 News sent Alex Thompson to cruise for reaction,
16:30live from a gay bar, with a pint in his hand.
16:33We're live in a Soho bar.
16:38Yes, we're in the Rupert Street bar in central London,
16:40where we'll be talking to gay men and getting their reaction.
16:43Finally, after all the debate, the MPs cast their vote.
16:46Tonight at ten, plans to allow gay couples to marry have been approved by MPs.
16:51And then the vote passed, thereby paving the way for same-sex unions
16:55and causing the world to end, which is why you didn't see this.
16:58Love in all its guises can be terribly complex,
17:01but what better way to contemplate love than via the medium of poetry?
17:04Here's topical poet Tim Key.
17:11This is a poem about love.
17:13I'm in love with a girl.
17:17But I'll never have her.
17:20I will never have her.
17:24Or at least it's statistically unlikely.
17:28Because she is extremely pretty.
17:34And because I only saw her on the telly in the crowd at the US Open.
17:39She looked like she had a fella.
17:41She had her hand on a fella's leg.
17:50Love can be a little bit, a little bit of a fucker.
17:58We don't trust the human heart to make romantic decisions on its own anymore,
18:02and why should we now we've got technology?
18:04These days, people meet using online dating algorithms.
18:08They flirt over Twitter, swap mucky photos via 4G,
18:12and have full sexual intercourse with microwave ovens.
18:15They absolutely do.
18:17But TV isn't quite as sophisticated as that.
18:19It tries to pair people off using sheer weight of numbers alone.
18:23Consider the phenomenal Take Me Out,
18:25which opens with Paddy McGinnis sliding down a pipe like a cheeky showbiz turd
18:29before summoning 30 girls into our dimension
18:31via a kind of instant hen night dispenser.
18:34It's a simple test to see if they can navigate stairs,
18:36which they don't always pass.
18:44Why you?
18:45Because there's no God.
18:46That's why you.
18:47There's no God and we're all gonna die, okay?
18:49You happy now?
18:50Get on with your dating show.
18:51Hope you meet someone nice.
18:53The titted jury then assumes the position behind 30 neon podiums
18:56in scenes resembling a Baz Luhrmann remake of the Nuremberg Trials.
19:00Then McGinnis delivers his trademark let the ex see the Y catchphrase.
19:05Let the Saturday night see the fever.
19:16Next, a mammal is delivered down the chute
19:18and encouraged to perform basic tricks for the girls to scrutinize.
19:21Evening, ladies.
19:23My name's William and I'm from Carmarthen.
19:25The jurors then make yes or no snap judgments based on their appearance.
19:30The hive mind is displeased by your baldness.
19:33They're also shown backstory VT,
19:35so even those who've been defeated by stairs can judge the men's lifestyle.
19:38I'm really lucky as I'm a professional footballer.
19:40Getting paid to play is unbelievable.
19:42I can't think of anything worse than a footballer.
19:47What about a footballer up some stairs?
19:49Less popular is Sky's existentially terrifying love machine
19:52fronted by barking obelisk Chris Moyles and Peggy from Heidi High.
19:56Impossibly, it's actually less intellectually nourishing than take me out
19:59and establishes itself from the very start as a show for the easily pleased.
20:03Hello and welcome to the love machine on Sky Living HD.
20:07Look, it's Stacey Sullivan, everybody.
20:11Thank you. That's our level calibrated. You may now proceed.
20:14The love machine of the title resembles a sort of gigantic phone dial
20:17from which choosy contestants pick potential shags
20:20while the audience moves encouragement.
20:22Since the prospective aren't allowed to speak during the selection process,
20:25it looks exactly like what will happen in the near future
20:28when you can go into a sex android showroom to choose this year's model.
20:32I don't like his jacket.
20:33OK.
20:35You know what? You can always take it off. It's not sanitiser.
20:38It's in my mind now. I won't forget it.
20:40Both his ears pierced. Is that any opinion about that?
20:43It's a bit too much for me, that.
20:45You're not feeling it, are you?
20:46No, I'm not feeling it.
20:47I'm not feeling it.
20:48I'm not feeling it.
20:48I'm not feeling it.
20:49I'm not feeling it.
20:50I'm not feeling it.
20:50I'm not feeling it.
20:52I'm sorry, no.
20:53If they decide they actually like the look of one...
20:55Yeah, he's fit.
20:56Oh, OK. That's good.
20:58...the genitals humanoid in question is downloaded from the machine for a closer look.
21:02He stood in front of you. He picked about the wheel.
21:04He's good height as well.
21:06Yeah.
21:07You know what? This is actually a more rigorous meat inspection
21:09than the Food Standards Agency's managed recently.
21:12The love machine's hardly scientific.
21:14You probably have about as much chance of producing a mate
21:17by holding a karaoke contest and copping off with whoever had the best voice.
21:21Fortunately, there's a show where exactly that happens too.
21:25This is Sing Date, where people look for love by singing to each other.
21:30Why?
21:30Sing Date is yet another weird televised method of choosing a life partner.
21:34In it, a music-mad singleton sifts through a stack of videos of other music-mad singletons
21:38crooning into their laptops like hostages forced to entertain their captors at gunpoint.
21:42It's time to start Joy's search for love.
21:44On the Sing Date site, a medley of men are ready to serenade her.
21:48There's no need to...
21:50Where is he? He looks like he's in some kind of a closet.
21:52They then choose three potential suitors from the crap heap.
21:55Joy's first choice is Stuart.
21:57Stuart was quite interesting, actually. He was very clean cut.
22:03I love the way he danced. Very, very good voice indeed.
22:06And I love his movements. And I just think he'd be just so much fun.
22:09They then perform a live duet with each of them in turn to see if it sparks love.
22:12I know this love we shared was meant to be
22:19Oh no, I knew you were waiting
22:22I knew you were waiting
22:26I knew you were waiting
22:27Knew you were waiting for me
22:29Then she has to pick one, just one, based on the sound of their voice
22:32and whatever decor she can spot in the background
22:35before inviting them into the studio for the grand finale
22:37in which they serenade each other
22:39in scenes which closely resemble a sort of amateur re-staging
22:42of a Top of the Pops 2 clip from 1989.
22:45Ah, endless love
22:49Great to sing with, I tell you.
22:51Yes, are we?
22:52I feel really good to sing with, thank you.
22:53Joining me to discuss dating shows like Sing Date
22:56are stand-up Tony Law and comedian Richard Herring
22:59who sings, sings in women's faces during sex.
23:02Is that true?
23:03I've been known to do that.
23:04What did you make of Sing Date?
23:06I don't like singing.
23:07No.
23:08At all.
23:09Full stop.
23:09No, I like if you go see a band or something
23:12where they're supposed to be singing
23:13but people who just break into song, compare that.
23:16But it's like singing has become the most important thing.
23:18It's the X factor if you can sing in that sort of karaoke way.
23:22It's not like singing, it's singing in a certain type of way.
23:25So if you can sing like that, you become very rich
23:27and now you get to go on dates with people
23:29whereas if you can't sing, you're not allowed to have sex anymore.
23:33I mean, presumably the idea is that they think musical couplings always work
23:37unlike say Rihanna and Chris Brown or Phil Spector and the woman he shot.
23:44Although in the programme, the two people who got together
23:46were really ideal for each other.
23:48They were.
23:48I am utterly convinced they went straight home and had sex with each other
23:52so and are together now, I think.
23:53If you think singing is an unusual way to choose a partner, have a look at this.
23:56This is a new American show called The Choice.
23:59As the title suggests, it's a bit like The Voice.
24:01Celebrity bachelors select a potential partner on the sound of her voice alone.
24:06Hey, guys.
24:07So first and foremost, I can assure you that I am the best.
24:11Is that right?
24:14I am an East Coast girl at heart but I currently live in Sin City, Nevada.
24:18I am a cocktail server on the Las Vegas Strip.
24:22I love to party.
24:23Ten seconds and have a good time.
24:26Obviously, everyone in that looks uniquely loathsome.
24:30What did you make of that?
24:31Well, the men are all really famous, right?
24:33And they're the last people and very rich and quite sort of good-looking and single.
24:38The last thing those blokes need is a dating show to get them more women.
24:42They're already getting plenty.
24:43It's like they're too lazy to go out and just go to a bar.
24:46They're too lazy even to do that.
24:47Even to dangle themselves out there like a maggot in a pond.
24:50I'm a professional poker player.
24:56To be honest, it doesn't take that much to convince men.
24:59They might as well say something like,
25:00My vagina isn't full of bees.
25:02Or even, My vagina is no longer full of bees.
25:05But also, all the women are identical anyway.
25:08Well, that is the thing.
25:08I mean, it is all sort of fairly identical hot American women.
25:13There's no jeopardy.
25:15There isn't any jeopardy.
25:16Hot damaged American women in cocktail dresses who haven't ended up in porn.
25:22Then go on this show.
25:23This is the rung above porn.
25:25Yeah.
25:25I'd feel more comfortable if the game was completely reversed though.
25:28What if you did a show called Glory Hole?
25:30Yeah.
25:31Someone has to stick their penis through and whoever's on the other,
25:33it could be a woman.
25:35It could be a goat.
25:36It could be your dad.
25:38And that's it.
25:39You guys are going on a date.
25:40Yeah.
25:40I know what dad's like.
25:42So I'd probably be okay.
25:44Great.
25:44I love dad's favorite restaurant.
25:48There was this king bloke called Richard III who died ages ago
25:52and no one knew where he was.
25:54But then they found him again.
25:55He'd been hiding in the ground which kings don't normally do.
26:00There was this really interesting thing all about it,
26:02sort of like CSI but in Leicester.
26:05And with this man from horrible histories
26:08and a woman who's in love with King Richard,
26:10even though he's dead like Demi Moore in Ghost,
26:13it was brilliant.
26:16It's all quite clinical, isn't it?
26:17All sort of laid out like this.
26:18It's very clinical and it's really difficult seeing him laid out like this.
26:26Guys, I'm sorry.
26:27I can't.
26:30People kept saying he died on the battlefield but he didn't.
26:33He died in a car park and the car parks only open Monday to Friday
26:37so he must have died on a weekday.
26:38In the old paint photos, King Richard had sort of doggies
26:41but those had all rotted away.
26:43He turned into all bones.
26:45You could see he was like half human, half dinosaur.
26:49Because they had his skull, they could make his whole head
26:52and show exactly what his eyebrows looked like
26:54and whether he plucked them or not.
26:57Because you can tell that from a skull.
26:59What's weird is the likeness that they made
27:03looks like what they thought he would have looked like anyway
27:06but that just shows how accurate the plasticine stuff is.
27:09This is an historic moment in the story of Leicester.
27:12It's really put Leicester on the map.
27:14The only person they'd found there before was Gary Lineker
27:18but his skeleton's still in his body
27:20and he only spends some of his time in car parks.
27:25NUTRITION
27:30Nutrition and a yoghurt company
27:32employ shocking emotional blackmail to shift units.
27:35Last year, my mum fell badly.
27:38She was stuck at home for months.
27:40She knew calcium was important
27:42so I thought she was taking good care of her bones.
27:45Your mum took care of my bone.
27:46I just didn't get it.
27:48Your mum did.
27:49But what I've just learned is that vitamin D
27:51is also very important on top.
27:53It helps the body absorb and use calcium.
27:55Oh, that's a good graph.
27:56I mean, look at that.
27:57That is exactly how vitamin D works.
27:59It really made me think.
28:01Yeah, it made you think,
28:02I'll use mum's accident to flog some f***ing yoghurt.
28:10FOOD
28:11And in a tempestuous time for supermarkets,
28:13Tesco withdraws horse-contaminated burgers,
28:16Aldi is tainted by Dobbin-flavoured lasagne
28:19and in harrowing and surprising scenes,
28:21Morrison's meat counter suffers a terrible ant infestation.
28:24Hi, Anthony.
28:25Can I call you Anthony?
28:26You certainly can.
28:27Have you seen that knife?
28:28I'd call him sir.
28:29Good point.
28:30The food is lovingly presented
28:31and Ant and Dec come across as likeably as ever,
28:34but they're an odd choice, really, to front a food campaign.
28:37There you go.
28:38I've scored it for you.
28:39Just rub it in some salt for some lovely crackling.
28:41I mean, the last time I saw them on television
28:43cheerfully encouraging someone to eat something,
28:45it wasn't quite such an appetising scene.
28:51It's deep-fried camel bear.
28:53Camel penis.
28:54Yes, I'm a celebrity who doesn't look quite so gut-wrenching
28:56now we've all been eating unidentified creature.
28:59Get it down your neck.
29:00It's hardly a fiendish lasagne.
29:04Disgusting.
29:05Well, that's about all we've got time for this week.
29:07I hope you can handle that.
29:08Until next time, go away.