First broadcast 14th February 2013.
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Richard Herring
Tony Law
Tim Key
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Richard Herring
Tony Law
Tim Key
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme all about things
00:25that are happening.
00:27Things like this.
00:28The contaminated beef scandal continues to deepen.
00:31It turns out some fiendish lasagnas may have had more horse in them than Catherine the
00:34Great.
00:35As angry consumers blame the government, David Cameron promises he's going to get a firm
00:40grip on your meat.
00:42The Pope gives up poping for Lent.
00:44Many are shocked.
00:45You're jogging?
00:46The Pope?
00:47Oh my God.
00:48A furious God shocked the Vatican and in startling scenes hurled a rock at the planet in response
00:56to the Pope stepping down.
00:58Or maybe he's just angry about gay marriage.
01:00It's hard to tell with God.
01:01He's ever so weird.
01:02Meanwhile, this roof indicates Barclays will elect the new Pope.
01:06And in astonishing scenes, David Beckham forgets his kit and is forced to do his thrilling
01:10new advert in his pants.
01:15That is the kind of thing that's been happening.
01:18But we start here.
01:19I don't know about you, but when I ate a burger, I used to think, hmm, what a tasty compacted
01:23disc of minced tissue scrapings blasted off a cow carcass with a high pressure hose and
01:27a fly-blown abattoir ringing with the incoherent agonised howls of simple beasts dying from
01:31a single bolt gun shot to the forehead.
01:33But now it turns out it might not have been as appetising as that.
01:36Good evening, supermarket shelves are being cleared of frozen burgers tonight after reports
01:41that some contain DNA from horses.
01:44A few weeks ago, the news went a bit silent witnessed Tesco edition as cheap burgers were
01:48being illegally cut with horse.
01:50Being caught out flogging a dead horse was bad publicity for Tesco.
01:54Many of us don't want to eat horse.
01:55We're not barbarians.
01:57Although barbarians are precisely the people Tesco apparently use to choose produce for
02:01their customers, as their alarming new ad campaign makes clear.
02:04That's the last time you're going to see that falcon, unless you pick up some meatballs
02:08on the way out.
02:09Obviously, you can't trust flipping Conan here to possibly tell the difference between
02:13a cow and a horse.
02:14I mean, look, he probably thinks that avocado is a dragon's egg.
02:17Mind you, you never know what weird mash-up food you're going to get in Tesco.
02:20Those were probably laid by a horse.
02:21Bet that melon's full of pig guts and f*** knows how you make tiger loaf.
02:25And it wasn't just horse rearing up unexpectedly.
02:28It was also revealed some halal prison food contained an insulting amount of pig.
02:32Halal meat eaters were as stunned as halal cows aren't.
02:36But the steady gallop of nasty food stories was about to become a stampede as the top
02:40story basically became, eugh.
02:43The horse meat scandal deepens.
02:45Thinned-ass lasagnas have been found to contain up to 100% horse meat.
02:50100% horse meat?
02:52That is a complete myth.
02:54By now, the revelations were piling up like mangled horses at Beecher's Brook, and the
02:58news was full of more pink, meaty, glistening close-up shots than a year's subscription
03:02to Penthouse, as well as upsetting testimony from members of the public dismayed to discover
03:07they may have unwittingly noshed off a horse.
03:09For Alfie Green, beef lasagna was a teatime favourite.
03:13Not anymore.
03:14So, will you be eating any more of these?
03:16No, not no more.
03:17We won't.
03:18Definitely not.
03:19Oh, come on.
03:20Let's not be too hasty.
03:21Don't go mad.
03:22You'll miss out on this kind of gourmet experience.
03:23I bet your mouth's watering at home.
03:29To discuss the grim scandal, Sky paraded a paddock full of food experts on screen, some
03:34of whom did their best to lighten the distressing news by describing the crisis in the voice
03:38of Ronnie Corbett.
03:39Well, what's supposed to happen is that the supermarket checks on your behalf.
03:43Supermarkets are experts in food.
03:46You know what?
03:47He may sound funny, but he really knows the food chain.
03:48No, we're talking about the food chain, and at one end, meat comes out, and cows normally
03:54go in, but somewhere in the food chain, horses came in and meat came out.
04:01This guy is good.
04:03This whole thing has been a PR disaster for Findus, which is a shame because their lasagnas
04:07always look really nice in the lovingly shot adverts.
04:10I mean, look at that.
04:11No hooves sticking out of it or anything.
04:13That's it, son.
04:14Eat your horse.
04:15Giddy up.
04:16Back in the pre-horse meat scandal days, Findus used to run an impressively chic advert for
04:20their gourmet range created by a suave French chef.
04:23Candles, wine, music, and the secret weapon, a recipe from Jean-Christophe Novelli himself.
04:31Yes, Jean-Christophe Novelli used to be the credible face of Findus lasagna, prepping
04:35the food in a notably horseless kitchen.
04:37I wonder if he's ever used horse.
04:39I mean, I'm sure if he has, he only used the finest quality Parisian horse.
04:44Created by me.
04:45Frozen by Findus.
04:46And ridden by jockeys.
04:48We've been asked to point out that Jean-Christophe Novelli has in no way been implicated in the
04:52horse meat scandal.
04:55Of course, thanks to television, we've become accustomed to seeing food prepared in picturesque
04:59kitchens like this, whereas as Sky News starkly depicted, Findus lasagnas are actually made
05:03in places like this.
05:05In fact, rather than friendly Findus, they're actually manufactured by the less appetizing
05:08sounding Commigel, who supply lovingly mass-produced frozen dead animal gobble pots for companies
05:13all over Europe, the trail of suspect meat being detailed on the news like a map from
05:18Invasion of the Edible Horse Creatures.
05:20In fact, thanks to the charming accompanying footage we've seen of the depressing interiors
05:24of food processing plants, the whole thing is starting to feel uncomfortably close to
05:27the plot of the superbly depressing 70s dystopian epic Soylent Green, in which Charlton Heston
05:33discovers processed food is being manufactured from the corpses of recently euthanized people.
05:39If I was the food industry, which I'm not, I'd actually turn the uncertainty over what's
05:42in our meat into a plus.
05:44I'd market it as the safari in your mouth burger.
05:47It's an entire animal kingdom in a bun.
05:49Who knows what you're going to get.
05:50It could be cow, pig, horse, meerkat, or all of the above.
05:55The horse meat scandal has generated much discussion, some of it online, as we'll see
05:59now.
06:00These are your words, your opinions.
06:02It's what you think.
06:03It's Points Off Of You, in Points Off You.
06:12The news that horse meat has been found in beef products has made many people very angry.
06:17For instance, Muzo felt driven to visit Yahoo to ponder, I wonder who has been tampering
06:23with it?
06:24I think we might find out it's related to immigrants.
06:27I think you'll find the horses were immigrants, Romanian immigrants at that, coming over here
06:30taking British cows' jobs.
06:33Food Minister David Heath popped up all over the news to reassure consumers, urging them
06:37not to needlessly throw meat away.
06:40A sentiment that annoyed Sam, who went to the BBC news site to say, how dare the government
06:46tell us what we can and cannot do?
06:48If I want to bin meat, that is my choice, my right.
06:52I'm half tempted to ruin lots of meat to make a point.
06:57Well good luck with that, Sam, although I'd say you'd be hard pressed to make the point
07:00any more cogently than you just did.
07:02The BAFTAs were held on Sunday, which made for glittering and exciting viewing.
07:06Helen Mirren shocked and stunned everyone watching with a snazzy new pink hairdo.
07:10Her new hairstyle prompted much discussion.
07:12For instance, E went on to Yahoo to say, my kid's primary school headmistress had pink
07:17flashes in her white blonde hair, and she was a mature lady.
07:21She was a fantastic headmistress, and led the way with her mantra, in a multicultural
07:24school, that everyone was special, individual creativity was applauded, and there was no
07:30school uniform.
07:31The school had excellent discipline and great results.
07:34School uniforms stifle individuality and creativity.
07:38Food for thought there, although I'm not sure it's entirely relevant to the topic under
07:42discussion here.
07:43Thank you anyway.
07:44P, meanwhile, similarly expressed admiration for Helen's hair, stating simply, defo worth
07:49a bang.
07:50Oh P, you are a card.
07:52The one show usually has these guests, like someone off Waterloo Road, or a bloke who knows
07:57shitloads about the history of tarmac, but the other day, there was this bald bloke on,
08:01and I was across the room, and I thought, oh, it's Jesper Carrot, maybe they're doing
08:05Golden Balls again.
08:06But it wasn't Jesper Carrot, it was Bruce Willis.
08:10Bruce Willis, right, had done this film called A Good Day to Die Hard, and it had this brilliant
08:15trailer full of, like, amazing things happening, like explosions, and more explosions, which
08:22is brilliantly done.
08:23All the fire looks hot and everything.
08:25Hardly anyone seemed to have seen this Die Hard 5 thing until just before it came out.
08:28It was like the film people were keeping it secret, so no one could spoil it for you by
08:33saying, hey, it's brilliant, just before you paid to see it.
08:35But Matt Baker and Alex Jones had seen it, and they obviously loved it, because they
08:39kept telling Bruce Willis it was great.
08:41And it is absolutely incredible.
08:45You've raised the bar as far as action movies are concerned.
08:47Bruce Willis seemed sort of humble about how good he knew the film was.
08:51Like, he could hardly talk about it, it was so humble.
08:54It has that Die Hard oomph to it, so.
08:58Seriously, he was so torn up with pride, he just had to look at the floor and hardly say
09:03anything.
09:03Like, when they asked if his daughters had seen it.
09:06Have the girls seen the film?
09:11Like, you could see in his eyes he was really proud of this film.
09:15The exciting looking film where you machine guns all the terrorists for, like, the fifth
09:19time, which looks brilliant.
09:21He's managed to make the same film five times without dying on the inside.
09:26Or looking like he doesn't really have much enthusiasm for the whole fucking thing anymore,
09:30and just wishes it would stop.
09:32That's not what he looks like.
09:34Matt Baker, I introduced a clip from Moonlighting, and you could tell Bruce was excited.
09:39A lot of people will remember you from Moonlighting, back in 85.
09:43It kind of launched you, didn't it?
09:44Let's just remind ourselves for all those that may have forgotten.
09:47Here we go.
09:47Oh, Moonlighting looked brilliant.
09:50Sort of effervescent, like full of life, but not as good as the new film that looks amazing
09:57with all the stuff that blows up, and the exciting shooting and everything, and all
10:02the computerised pictures where everything explodes, and the big writing, and the banging,
10:07and the booming sounds.
10:12In terms of noise alone, it's probably the best film ever.
10:16Later, they mentioned Bruce's singing career when he did Under the Boardwalk,
10:20and he was chuffed they brought that up.
10:23You should sing Under the Boardwalk.
10:25Oh, I will.
10:27They showed a bit of it, actually, all that entertaining footage of him singing
10:31these classic songs in front of some black blokes in the 80s.
10:34It was great.
10:40Not as great as the film he's done, but looks really incredible with all the
10:43helicopters and the death in it, obviously, because that's amazing.
10:48Then he sort of made a sound with a harmonica and got a nice round of applause.
11:01And I thought, oh, he must have overcome something.
11:03That's why they're being nice.
11:05Good for you, Bruce.
11:07Hope the film makes loads of money.
11:09I really do, because it looks good, that film, with all the amazing explosions
11:14and the shooting in it, and the helicopter and everything.
11:18And then him killing people, like really killing lots of people with guns,
11:24like people were mums and dads in histories.
11:26And he just mows them all down because they're sort of bad, probably.
11:31I don't know, I haven't seen it.
11:33But I expect they are, otherwise he's a fucking murderer.
11:36I always thought all marriages were same-sex marriages.
11:39After all, married couples end up having the same sex over and over again
11:42until it's as emotionally involving as flossing your teeth.
11:45So on the face of it, the thought of two people with matching goolies
11:48walking down the aisle seems about as controversial as, I don't know,
11:50two people who are quite into Game of Thrones getting married.
11:53But apparently, it's a bit more controversial than that.
11:56The recent Commons vote on same-sex marriages exposed ructions in the Tory
12:00party as the modernisers went up against the traditionalists.
12:04I say traditionalists, but the traditional argument has actually changed.
12:08The traditional argument against anything gay used to be,
12:11eurgh, bummers, eurgh, I don't like it.
12:14I mean, not so long ago, even the BBC could openly express that attitude.
12:18For many of us, this is revolting, men dancing with men.
12:21That is revolting.
12:23There'll be too time to fuck each other afterwards.
12:25But today's modern progressive traditionalists accept the notion of gay sex,
12:29as long as it's not in their backyard or rammed down their throat.
12:33And a handful of them repeatedly popped up on the news to explain
12:36their opposition to gay marriage is nothing to do with bedroom squeamishness.
12:39No, it's to do with other issues, such as timing.
12:43I mean, why now when there are more important issues?
12:46It's not the priority, the economy's the priority.
12:49In 26 years as an MP, I never once got a letter calling for gay marriage.
12:55Oh, that's a shame. You're quite a good-looking bloke. I'd marry you.
12:59Another objection widely voiced across the news
13:01is that this is an attempt to redefine marriage.
13:03The significant number in his party will not support what they see
13:07as an attempt to redefine marriage.
13:10We are changing the definition of marriage, a redefinition of marriage.
13:15We begin to live in sort of Alice in Wonderland.
13:17We begin to make things topsy-turvy. We begin to redefine language.
13:21It's an interesting philosophical point, but surely if I choose to redefine a spoon
13:25as something I shove up my arse,
13:27it doesn't stop you enjoying your pudding unless I use your spoon.
13:31But perhaps the biggest objection widely voiced across the news
13:34is that David Cameron simply doesn't have a mandate for this kind of thing.
13:37Neither the Prime Minister nor any of the other party leaders has a mandate.
13:41There's no mandate for this at all.
13:42There's no mandate.
13:43No mandate.
13:44No mandate.
13:45He has got no mandate.
13:46No mandate.
13:47No mandate.
13:48No mandate? Well, if Cameron's got no mandate,
13:50maybe he can borrow some from Sasha Distel.
13:52Hello, I am Sasha Distel.
13:55They asked me to try Mandate, and now I wear it all the time.
13:58Because it's sophisticated, long-lasting, and very sexy.
14:07Mandate sings my songs.
14:14Mandate speaks my language.
14:16Yes, as this masculine and evocative ad artfully demonstrates,
14:19Mandate is the sole reserve of heterosexuals.
14:21And when I'm relaxing, need I say more?
14:25That's all right. It's in my work.
14:27Oh, thank God for that. I thought it was your husband.
14:29And you don't have a mandate for that, you mucky Frenchman.
14:33Mandate says a lot for a man.
14:38Anyway, that's the anti-camp. Not that I'm calling them camp.
14:40What about the pro-gay body?
14:42Typically, the pinko, leftist, liberal, lefty, communist, left-wing media
14:46was doing its bit to promote diversity by showing us gay couple after gay couple.
14:51We saw gay couples so laid back they seemed to be feeding their baby to a dog.
14:55We saw a gay couple so close they could finish each other's sentences.
14:59And we looked to upgrade to marriage from a civil union, simply because...
15:06because we want to have the same equality as everybody else.
15:10Gay marriage looks fun.
15:11And a gay couple that resembled the most progressive ventriloquist act of all time.
15:15It's the thing of almost a civil partnership isn't good enough to be a marriage.
15:19And even we have this conversation with people and we say, we're getting married.
15:23Thing is, all these gay couples look alike to me. I mean, look at this gay couple.
15:26Why should we not be equal to anybody else?
15:28Just the same as this gay couple.
15:30People say gay marriage. It isn't gay marriage. It's just marriage.
15:33And this gay couple.
15:34About dignity for lesbian and gay people.
15:37I thought they liked diversity. They all look the same.
15:39Even Hugh Edwards doesn't seem to think they're all that.
15:42You've got a stable relationship, five kids. What's the big deal?
15:45Of course, it's not just MPs who take a view on gay marriage. Other humans do too.
15:49The new Archbishop of Canterbury, seen here passing his initiation test by pointing to where God lives, is opposed to it.
15:55Whereas this northern fisherman thinks it's fine.
15:58My brother were gay, so I don't object to it. And I loved him.
16:02This guy doesn't believe in it.
16:03Based on my Christian beliefs, I don't agree with gay marriages at all.
16:08And some couples aren't that impressed, actually, are they, love?
16:11We're not that impressed, actually. Are we, love?
16:16Oh, marriage.
16:18As the Pinkmageddon vote approached, the news cameras were pointing at the Commons.
16:22With the gay floodgates about to open, traditional values were already slipping.
16:26Trendy progressive Channel 4 News sent Alex Thompson to cruise for reaction,
16:30live from a gay bar, with a pint in his hand.
16:33We're live in a Soho bar.
16:38Yes, we're in the Rupert Street bar in central London,
16:40where we'll be talking to gay men and getting their reaction.
16:43Finally, after all the debate, the MPs cast their vote.
16:46Tonight at ten, plans to allow gay couples to marry have been approved by MPs.
16:51And then the vote passed, thereby paving the way for same-sex unions
16:55and causing the world to end, which is why you didn't see this.
16:58Love in all its guises can be terribly complex,
17:01but what better way to contemplate love than via the medium of poetry?
17:04Here's topical poet Tim Key.
17:11This is a poem about love.
17:13I'm in love with a girl.
17:17But I'll never have her.
17:20I will never have her.
17:24Or at least it's statistically unlikely.
17:28Because she is extremely pretty.
17:34And because I only saw her on the telly in the crowd at the US Open.
17:39She looked like she had a fella.
17:41She had her hand on a fella's leg.
17:50Love can be a little bit, a little bit of a fucker.
17:58We don't trust the human heart to make romantic decisions on its own anymore,
18:02and why should we now we've got technology?
18:04These days, people meet using online dating algorithms.
18:08They flirt over Twitter, swap mucky photos via 4G,
18:12and have full sexual intercourse with microwave ovens.
18:15They absolutely do.
18:17But TV isn't quite as sophisticated as that.
18:19It tries to pair people off using sheer weight of numbers alone.
18:23Consider the phenomenal Take Me Out,
18:25which opens with Paddy McGinnis sliding down a pipe like a cheeky showbiz turd
18:29before summoning 30 girls into our dimension
18:31via a kind of instant hen night dispenser.
18:34It's a simple test to see if they can navigate stairs,
18:36which they don't always pass.
18:44Why you?
18:45Because there's no God.
18:46That's why you.
18:47There's no God and we're all gonna die, okay?
18:49You happy now?
18:50Get on with your dating show.
18:51Hope you meet someone nice.
18:53The titted jury then assumes the position behind 30 neon podiums
18:56in scenes resembling a Baz Luhrmann remake of the Nuremberg Trials.
19:00Then McGinnis delivers his trademark let the ex see the Y catchphrase.
19:05Let the Saturday night see the fever.
19:16Next, a mammal is delivered down the chute
19:18and encouraged to perform basic tricks for the girls to scrutinize.
19:21Evening, ladies.
19:23My name's William and I'm from Carmarthen.
19:25The jurors then make yes or no snap judgments based on their appearance.
19:30The hive mind is displeased by your baldness.
19:33They're also shown backstory VT,
19:35so even those who've been defeated by stairs can judge the men's lifestyle.
19:38I'm really lucky as I'm a professional footballer.
19:40Getting paid to play is unbelievable.
19:42I can't think of anything worse than a footballer.
19:47What about a footballer up some stairs?
19:49Less popular is Sky's existentially terrifying love machine
19:52fronted by barking obelisk Chris Moyles and Peggy from Heidi High.
19:56Impossibly, it's actually less intellectually nourishing than take me out
19:59and establishes itself from the very start as a show for the easily pleased.
20:03Hello and welcome to the love machine on Sky Living HD.
20:07Look, it's Stacey Sullivan, everybody.
20:11Thank you. That's our level calibrated. You may now proceed.
20:14The love machine of the title resembles a sort of gigantic phone dial
20:17from which choosy contestants pick potential shags
20:20while the audience moves encouragement.
20:22Since the prospective aren't allowed to speak during the selection process,
20:25it looks exactly like what will happen in the near future
20:28when you can go into a sex android showroom to choose this year's model.
20:32I don't like his jacket.
20:33OK.
20:35You know what? You can always take it off. It's not sanitiser.
20:38It's in my mind now. I won't forget it.
20:40Both his ears pierced. Is that any opinion about that?
20:43It's a bit too much for me, that.
20:45You're not feeling it, are you?
20:46No, I'm not feeling it.
20:47I'm not feeling it.
20:48I'm not feeling it.
20:48I'm not feeling it.
20:49I'm not feeling it.
20:50I'm not feeling it.
20:50I'm not feeling it.
20:52I'm sorry, no.
20:53If they decide they actually like the look of one...
20:55Yeah, he's fit.
20:56Oh, OK. That's good.
20:58...the genitals humanoid in question is downloaded from the machine for a closer look.
21:02He stood in front of you. He picked about the wheel.
21:04He's good height as well.
21:06Yeah.
21:07You know what? This is actually a more rigorous meat inspection
21:09than the Food Standards Agency's managed recently.
21:12The love machine's hardly scientific.
21:14You probably have about as much chance of producing a mate
21:17by holding a karaoke contest and copping off with whoever had the best voice.
21:21Fortunately, there's a show where exactly that happens too.
21:25This is Sing Date, where people look for love by singing to each other.
21:30Why?
21:30Sing Date is yet another weird televised method of choosing a life partner.
21:34In it, a music-mad singleton sifts through a stack of videos of other music-mad singletons
21:38crooning into their laptops like hostages forced to entertain their captors at gunpoint.
21:42It's time to start Joy's search for love.
21:44On the Sing Date site, a medley of men are ready to serenade her.
21:48There's no need to...
21:50Where is he? He looks like he's in some kind of a closet.
21:52They then choose three potential suitors from the crap heap.
21:55Joy's first choice is Stuart.
21:57Stuart was quite interesting, actually. He was very clean cut.
22:03I love the way he danced. Very, very good voice indeed.
22:06And I love his movements. And I just think he'd be just so much fun.
22:09They then perform a live duet with each of them in turn to see if it sparks love.
22:12I know this love we shared was meant to be
22:19Oh no, I knew you were waiting
22:22I knew you were waiting
22:26I knew you were waiting
22:27Knew you were waiting for me
22:29Then she has to pick one, just one, based on the sound of their voice
22:32and whatever decor she can spot in the background
22:35before inviting them into the studio for the grand finale
22:37in which they serenade each other
22:39in scenes which closely resemble a sort of amateur re-staging
22:42of a Top of the Pops 2 clip from 1989.
22:45Ah, endless love
22:49Great to sing with, I tell you.
22:51Yes, are we?
22:52I feel really good to sing with, thank you.
22:53Joining me to discuss dating shows like Sing Date
22:56are stand-up Tony Law and comedian Richard Herring
22:59who sings, sings in women's faces during sex.
23:02Is that true?
23:03I've been known to do that.
23:04What did you make of Sing Date?
23:06I don't like singing.
23:07No.
23:08At all.
23:09Full stop.
23:09No, I like if you go see a band or something
23:12where they're supposed to be singing
23:13but people who just break into song, compare that.
23:16But it's like singing has become the most important thing.
23:18It's the X factor if you can sing in that sort of karaoke way.
23:22It's not like singing, it's singing in a certain type of way.
23:25So if you can sing like that, you become very rich
23:27and now you get to go on dates with people
23:29whereas if you can't sing, you're not allowed to have sex anymore.
23:33I mean, presumably the idea is that they think musical couplings always work
23:37unlike say Rihanna and Chris Brown or Phil Spector and the woman he shot.
23:44Although in the programme, the two people who got together
23:46were really ideal for each other.
23:48They were.
23:48I am utterly convinced they went straight home and had sex with each other
23:52so and are together now, I think.
23:53If you think singing is an unusual way to choose a partner, have a look at this.
23:56This is a new American show called The Choice.
23:59As the title suggests, it's a bit like The Voice.
24:01Celebrity bachelors select a potential partner on the sound of her voice alone.
24:06Hey, guys.
24:07So first and foremost, I can assure you that I am the best.
24:11Is that right?
24:14I am an East Coast girl at heart but I currently live in Sin City, Nevada.
24:18I am a cocktail server on the Las Vegas Strip.
24:22I love to party.
24:23Ten seconds and have a good time.
24:26Obviously, everyone in that looks uniquely loathsome.
24:30What did you make of that?
24:31Well, the men are all really famous, right?
24:33And they're the last people and very rich and quite sort of good-looking and single.
24:38The last thing those blokes need is a dating show to get them more women.
24:42They're already getting plenty.
24:43It's like they're too lazy to go out and just go to a bar.
24:46They're too lazy even to do that.
24:47Even to dangle themselves out there like a maggot in a pond.
24:50I'm a professional poker player.
24:56To be honest, it doesn't take that much to convince men.
24:59They might as well say something like,
25:00My vagina isn't full of bees.
25:02Or even, My vagina is no longer full of bees.
25:05But also, all the women are identical anyway.
25:08Well, that is the thing.
25:08I mean, it is all sort of fairly identical hot American women.
25:13There's no jeopardy.
25:15There isn't any jeopardy.
25:16Hot damaged American women in cocktail dresses who haven't ended up in porn.
25:22Then go on this show.
25:23This is the rung above porn.
25:25Yeah.
25:25I'd feel more comfortable if the game was completely reversed though.
25:28What if you did a show called Glory Hole?
25:30Yeah.
25:31Someone has to stick their penis through and whoever's on the other,
25:33it could be a woman.
25:35It could be a goat.
25:36It could be your dad.
25:38And that's it.
25:39You guys are going on a date.
25:40Yeah.
25:40I know what dad's like.
25:42So I'd probably be okay.
25:44Great.
25:44I love dad's favorite restaurant.
25:48There was this king bloke called Richard III who died ages ago
25:52and no one knew where he was.
25:54But then they found him again.
25:55He'd been hiding in the ground which kings don't normally do.
26:00There was this really interesting thing all about it,
26:02sort of like CSI but in Leicester.
26:05And with this man from horrible histories
26:08and a woman who's in love with King Richard,
26:10even though he's dead like Demi Moore in Ghost,
26:13it was brilliant.
26:16It's all quite clinical, isn't it?
26:17All sort of laid out like this.
26:18It's very clinical and it's really difficult seeing him laid out like this.
26:26Guys, I'm sorry.
26:27I can't.
26:30People kept saying he died on the battlefield but he didn't.
26:33He died in a car park and the car parks only open Monday to Friday
26:37so he must have died on a weekday.
26:38In the old paint photos, King Richard had sort of doggies
26:41but those had all rotted away.
26:43He turned into all bones.
26:45You could see he was like half human, half dinosaur.
26:49Because they had his skull, they could make his whole head
26:52and show exactly what his eyebrows looked like
26:54and whether he plucked them or not.
26:57Because you can tell that from a skull.
26:59What's weird is the likeness that they made
27:03looks like what they thought he would have looked like anyway
27:06but that just shows how accurate the plasticine stuff is.
27:09This is an historic moment in the story of Leicester.
27:12It's really put Leicester on the map.
27:14The only person they'd found there before was Gary Lineker
27:18but his skeleton's still in his body
27:20and he only spends some of his time in car parks.
27:25NUTRITION
27:30Nutrition and a yoghurt company
27:32employ shocking emotional blackmail to shift units.
27:35Last year, my mum fell badly.
27:38She was stuck at home for months.
27:40She knew calcium was important
27:42so I thought she was taking good care of her bones.
27:45Your mum took care of my bone.
27:46I just didn't get it.
27:48Your mum did.
27:49But what I've just learned is that vitamin D
27:51is also very important on top.
27:53It helps the body absorb and use calcium.
27:55Oh, that's a good graph.
27:56I mean, look at that.
27:57That is exactly how vitamin D works.
27:59It really made me think.
28:01Yeah, it made you think,
28:02I'll use mum's accident to flog some f***ing yoghurt.
28:10FOOD
28:11And in a tempestuous time for supermarkets,
28:13Tesco withdraws horse-contaminated burgers,
28:16Aldi is tainted by Dobbin-flavoured lasagne
28:19and in harrowing and surprising scenes,
28:21Morrison's meat counter suffers a terrible ant infestation.
28:24Hi, Anthony.
28:25Can I call you Anthony?
28:26You certainly can.
28:27Have you seen that knife?
28:28I'd call him sir.
28:29Good point.
28:30The food is lovingly presented
28:31and Ant and Dec come across as likeably as ever,
28:34but they're an odd choice, really, to front a food campaign.
28:37There you go.
28:38I've scored it for you.
28:39Just rub it in some salt for some lovely crackling.
28:41I mean, the last time I saw them on television
28:43cheerfully encouraging someone to eat something,
28:45it wasn't quite such an appetising scene.
28:51It's deep-fried camel bear.
28:53Camel penis.
28:54Yes, I'm a celebrity who doesn't look quite so gut-wrenching
28:56now we've all been eating unidentified creature.
28:59Get it down your neck.
29:00It's hardly a fiendish lasagne.
29:04Disgusting.
29:05Well, that's about all we've got time for this week.
29:07I hope you can handle that.
29:08Until next time, go away.