Clarence - 101 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00Keep your sunny side up, up Hide the side that gets blue
00:14Life's too short to worry, you know Where a smile and trouble will go
00:23Keep your sunny side up, up Let your laughter come through, do
00:32Stand upon your legs, be like two fried eggs Keep your sunny side up
00:42Across Parliament Square, the procession enters the most historic part of the Royal Route
00:46Past Big Ben, past Westminster Hall and the Houses of Parliament
00:49to the ancient Church of Westminster, which was first built in the days of Edward the Confessor
00:53whose crown, well before another hour has passed, rests on the head of King George VI
00:59This morning there were seven separate processions making their way to the Abbey
01:03Now they have joined into one amazing line of colour, more than two and a half miles long
01:07Among its different uniforms and waving flutes, not the smallest corner, not the least citizen of the Empire is forgotten
01:13Not one branch of its site is unrepresented
01:20Across MacArthur Square again, and then the procession parties from some of the most famous streets
01:26And at this moment as the state coach draws up at the Abbey, we remember other coronations that have passed
01:32Now once again the Sovereign comes to the throne, fitted by character and upbringing, to carry on a great tradition
01:38Traffic jam, is it?
01:42No, we're here. 16A, first floor
01:45Oh, right
01:46Mind your door
01:47Mind your door, all right, all right
02:01What's up?
02:02Nice day for a coronation, isn't it?
02:08I love to see them old Chelsea pensioners, don't you?
02:11Nice to meet you, come on, don't I?
02:13Oh come on, let's get started then
02:15Clarence
02:17For a nip off for a minute, have a look at the procession
02:19You what?
02:20I'll be back before you have time to brew up
02:22Yeah
02:23You get started with the packing and I'll take over with the heavy stuff
02:25You rotten, lead-swinging skiver, you're going to leave me here all on my own?
02:29Clarence, face up to it, where's the sense in you going to have a look at their majesties?
02:34You can't even see past the far side of your specs
02:36There ain't nothing wrong with my eyesight
02:38No, Clarence
02:40I have you know, I have the eyesight of a hegel
02:42Hegel
02:43I only wear these glasses for reading
02:45Now listen to me
02:47We're going to get that furniture out of the house
02:49We're going to drive it to Southampton like we agreed
02:51If you try and walk off the job, you lazy skiver, I'll knock your block off
02:54Have you got that?
02:56I said, have you got that?
03:00Go on then, sulk, sulk
03:03LAUGHTER
03:11Anyone would think you were the only girl in the world with a broken engagement
03:16And don't be emotional when there's a servant present
03:20Oh, really?
03:21Bad business showing one's feelings in front of servants
03:25I remember when poor Deirdre Playfair's husband hanged himself
03:29And got his valet to hold the ladder
03:31Well, of course, none of us went to the funeral
03:34Never mind, seeing the coronation will cheer you up
03:37Are you looking forward to it, Travis?
03:40After all, it is a holiday for the working class people as well, isn't it?
03:43Not that you've got a holiday, of course, but that can't be helped, can it?
03:46Yes, madam
03:47I mean, no, madam
03:48I mean, that is...
03:49No, it can't be helped
03:51And yes, I am looking forward to it
03:53The street looks lovely, all decorated
03:55Yes, don't go on about it, Travis
03:57That's the trouble with servants
03:59Give them half a chance, they stand and gossip all day
04:02Personally, I think the decoration's frightfully vulgar
04:05The colours are dreadful
04:07You can't choose colours for a coronation, mother
04:10It has to be red, white and blue
04:12I still think it could be occasionally possible
04:15To veer towards the violet and the cerise
04:18However, as the servants are responsible for putting them up
04:21One could scarcely expect anything of an approaching taste
04:25Oh, those ragged-looking children building the bonfire
04:28And that's another thing I don't approve of
04:30Allowing the servants' children to build that monstrosity
04:33If the wind changes, we shall all be burnt in our beds
04:35We won't be in our beds tonight, mother
04:37They'll all be on the furniture van
04:39Oh, don't be so pedantic, Angela
04:40It's an expression like love makes the world go round
04:44Which reminds me, Travis
04:46No followers while we are out
04:48No, no, madam
04:50Ah, that'll be the removers at last
04:52Well, answer it, Travis
04:54Yes, madam
05:04Are you the removals?
05:05Yes, madam, which way?
05:07No, I'm not madam, I'm Travis
05:09Well, do come in, they've been waiting for you
05:12Not going to the coronation
05:14Are you mad?
05:15I'm going to wait here in case Geoffrey telephones
05:18If you don't see the procession
05:20How will you dare to face your grandchildren?
05:23If Geoffrey doesn't telephone me
05:25I'm not likely to have any grandchildren
05:32Hello?
05:33Ah, the removals persons
05:35Where are the others?
05:36Oh, he's in the van
05:38Oh, I trust you know what you have to do
05:40Everything in this flat must be in Southampton by midnight
05:43I shall drive it there myself, ma'am
05:45We shall return here at six for our personal effects
05:48Travis will point them out to you
05:50And they are not to be removed
05:51No, leave it to me, ma'am
05:52And take particular care of my porcelain
05:56Oh, yes, I'll treat it like me own, ma'am
05:58Some of it was once owned by the Duke of Wellington
06:01Oh, and you bought it when they pulled it down, did you?
06:08They didn't pull down the Duke of Wellington
06:11They buried him
06:13Oh, I see
06:14I thought you meant a pub, see
06:16A pub
06:17A public house, madam
06:19I know what a pub is, thank you, Travis
06:21I'm not entirely ignorant of working class physiology
06:24I trust you are not a frequenter of pubs, my good man
06:27Me? Oh, no, ma'am
06:28No, because I don't want a disappearing act for an hour and a half at lunchtime
06:32And coming back the worse for drink
06:35Oh, no, no, I'm never the worse for drink
06:37I'm sometimes the better for it
06:41Drink makes me amorous
06:43Precisely
06:44Travis, I hope you're taking note of all this
06:46Oh, yes, madam
06:47I'm leaving you alone with this person
06:49And I expect you to behave in a ladylike fashion
06:53Even though you're not one
06:55If there is the slightest hint of any nonsense
06:57You will be severely reprimanded
06:59I never stand for nonsense
07:01Oh, what do you do? Lie down?
07:05What did you say?
07:06Oh, I said there's a box or two to tie up on me
07:09I'll have to get some rope from the van soon
07:12And I want the flat left spotlessly clean for the incoming tenant
07:16Now...
07:17Angela?
07:18We're going
07:20I'm going to wait here a bit in case Geoffrey telephones
07:23Well, if you miss the procession, it's your own funeral
07:27She won't miss that
07:32The trunk and the suitcases are going with the master and mistress to Rangoon
07:37They aren't to be touched
07:38Right-o
07:39I'll just move this standard lamp out of my way
07:42What are you doing? Put me down
07:44Who's this, then?
07:45It's Miss Angela. Do please put her down
07:48She's going through an unhappy time
07:50Oh, dear
07:51I'm sorry. No harm done
07:53I was just guessing your weight. Nine stone five
07:55I'm never wrong. You're just lifting wardrobes, you see
07:58Travis?
07:59If the telephone rings, I shall be locked in my bedroom
08:02Yes, miss
08:06Anybody else here?
08:07No, just us
08:08Oh. Good.
08:10Because people hide, you know
08:12They get dug in behind the curtains and under the sofas
08:15They pop up behind you. They think it's funny
08:18Are you still here?
08:21Yes
08:23Not a bad little room, this. Yeah, I've seen worse
08:26What I do appreciate is a nice bit of Chippendale
08:29Look at that. Look at the grain in that
08:33Shouldn't there be others here to help you?
08:35Well, Albert and me, we've got an arrangement, you see
08:37I do the packing and he does the lifting
08:39Because the trouble with me is I'm too strong for lifting, see
08:42I mean, you give me a billiard table, I'll knock chips off your ceiling
08:45I'm built like a Brahma bull, I am
08:47Feel them thighs. Go on, feel them
08:51Was that you?
08:52Yes
08:56Oh, I like the look of you
08:59Normally I don't go much for women, you know
09:01They're too, well, what's the word? Female
09:04Oh, but you've got good strong lines on your face, you have
09:09All over it
09:12You married?
09:14No
09:15No, you keep it that way
09:16You don't want to go making some poor bloke's life hell
09:20I respect a woman who dies single and miserable, you know
09:23I was engaged once
09:24Oh, yeah? What happened? He ran off with another woman?
09:28You won't laugh when I tell you
09:30He ran off with another man
09:34Oh, that's nice, I must say
09:39Oh, excuse me, I was coughing a lot
09:41I was gassed in the war
09:44Oh, dear me
09:45Don't you think you'd better get on with your work?
09:47Yeah, I'm going to, but don't go away, you cheer me up, you do
09:50Oh, ran off with another man, eh?
09:53Right, come on then, where's this porcelain then?
09:55It's over there
09:56Over where?
09:57Look
10:05Oh, yeah
10:06Oh, yeah, there, that's porcelain all right, yeah
10:08Oh, look at that, my old granny had a piece just like that
10:11It's lovely, look at that
10:13You will be careful, won't you?
10:15Careful?
10:16I've got hands like a surgeon, me
10:18What's that?
10:19I'll cut meself
10:23Yeah, porcelain, eh? Well, it's all right
10:25I don't go much for it meself, you know
10:27I find it's a bit too, well, it's too namby-pamby for me, like
10:30Oh, you mustn't say that to madam, according to her it's very choice
10:34Of course, it's all right for her, she doesn't have to dust it
10:37Well, it's all according to whether you like it or not, really, isn't it, eh?
10:40I nearly went into the quality china business once
10:43Oh, you interested in good china?
10:45No, that's why I never went into it
10:47I see
10:49Right, here we go then
10:58That's it
10:59That's it
11:00That's got the job started, hasn't it, eh?
11:06Must be dry writing, them floorboards
11:09I should think they'd be glad to be leaving, wouldn't they?
11:11Look, will you please let me help you?
11:13Oh, I was waiting for that, I was just waiting for that
11:16All women make up to me, you know
11:17As soon as I start this sort of job, they all say, oh, please let me help you
11:21Of course, the trouble is, you do a woman a favour
11:24She wants tit for tat, doesn't she, eh?
11:26That's her trouble
11:27I mean, she sews a button on your shirt, you know, takes her a couple of tics
11:31She calls it the best she is of her life
11:33All right, then, if you want to help, get some more paper
11:38Right
11:41Slowly does it
11:46Of course, the trouble is, you see
11:48Women will run after any old thing what's single
11:50That's why I have to be doubly careful on account of my looks, you see
11:53I mean, it's no joke being the splitting image of him
11:56Who?
11:57Come off it, you know who I look like
12:00Mind you, I never noticed it myself until I heard this woman on the bus say
12:03Oh, don't he look like Spencer Tracy?
12:07Spencer Tracy?
12:08Oh, you can see it and all, can't you?
12:10No, I can't, not at all
12:12Ah, you're one of them cunning ones, aren't you?
12:14You're trying to intrigue me, aren't you?
12:16Certainly not
12:17Oh, yes, you are, I know you
12:19Hey, hey, look, what about this, then?
12:21What about that?
12:22What about it?
12:23Well, Spencer Tracy, innit?
12:24Dr. Livingstone, I presume, see?
12:26I mean, do you see the likeness, darling?
12:28No
12:29All right, then
12:30Here, what about this one? What about this one?
12:32Ronald Coleman, look, Ronald Coleman
12:34Oh, I do like him
12:35Yeah, so who do I resemble, then?
12:37Charles Lawton
12:41If you're trying to infatuate me, my woman
12:43You're going about the wrong way about this
12:47So, where is this employer of yours going to, then?
12:51Rangoon
12:52Oh, yeah
12:53Is that broad, is it?
12:54It's in the mysterious east
12:56Oh, is it? Oh, yeah
12:58You going, too, in all, eh?
13:00No, no, I finished today
13:02I was only temporary
13:03Oh, yeah
13:04I'm out of work at five o'clock
13:05Oh
13:06Well, of course, normally I wouldn't work on a coronation day
13:09Not even on a rush job like this
13:10But when it comes to the upper classes
13:12God bless them, I am their man
13:14I mean, we've got to look after them
13:15We've got to treat them right
13:17They're the backbone of the country, they are
13:20Right, you watch me now
13:24Half an hour's time, you're going to see an empty room, yeah
13:28Right
13:31Stop!
13:32That was a goldfish
13:34Oh, yeah
13:36Of course, that's another thing about you, women
13:38You're all soft, ain't you, when it comes to animals
13:40You're all soft, go on
13:41Flush them down the lab, go on
13:43I certainly will not flush them down the lab
13:45Oh, here he comes now
13:47What have you done after packing?
13:48He's turned up, ain't he?
13:49I don't know
13:50All right, all right
13:51Stop ringing that bell
13:52That's the telephone
13:53No, it's not, it's him, it's him
13:55It's him
13:56Oh, it's just me
13:58I'm coming, darling, I'm coming
14:02Where is it?
14:04Where's what, miss?
14:05The telephone, what have you done with it?
14:07Well, it was there a minute
14:08Well, here's the string
14:11You packed the telephone
14:12Eh?
14:13It's in there
14:14Where, where, what?
14:15Get it up, now
14:16All right, get it out
14:17I'll get it out, madam, I'll get it out
14:19I don't know, women, they can't seem to make their minds up, can they?
14:22First it's packed, then it's unpacked
14:24Then it's packed, then it's unpacked
14:26I mean, what's the point of being systematic about it all?
14:28I mean, what's it all for?
14:29Where's your hurry?
14:30Yes, I'm hurrying
14:31Hold on, Geoffrey
14:34Yes, hold on, Geoffrey, we're coming
14:36What's it look like? What's it look...
14:39I got it, I got it, yeah
14:41Here, here
14:42Come on
14:43Hang on, it's caught on some rope
14:46Geoffrey, Geoffrey, I can't hear you
14:49Oh, no, I've got the other bit, sorry
14:52Oh, my God
14:55I think I'll kill myself
14:57Well, that's nice, isn't it? That's very nice, isn't it?
14:59Disrupts me all day and doesn't even say please or thank you or kiss me foot
15:04Oh, well, onward, ever onward
15:11I wish people wouldn't leave their slippers about
15:15Right, glassware next, which way's the pantry?
15:18What are you doing?
15:43What on earth do you think you're doing?
15:45Aye
15:46I mean, what are you doing? You said you were only going to do the packing
15:49Yeah, I know, but he's not here, is he?
15:51I mean, he swore on his mother's knickers he'd be here
15:54So where is he?
15:55I mean, someone's got to shift the stuff, ain't they?
15:57Where's the dog gone?
15:58Here, it's this way
15:59All right, all right
16:00I'm not blind and you're not an Alsatian
16:02Just point me, will you?
16:07Straight ahead
16:11Right
16:13Right, right
16:16Right, right
16:18Right, right
16:44What?
16:45Well, we're getting on
16:46Don't you think you'd better wait for your friend?
16:48Wait? How can I wait?
16:50Expect this rubbish to walk the Southampton
16:52Yeah, but you can't do it all on your own
16:54When your friend comes back
16:55He's no friend of mine, a rotten skiver
16:57When he comes back, it'll be because the booze is shut, that's all
17:00Yeah, what do you think? It's a joke
17:02Leave it to poor old Clarence, they all say that
17:04They all take advantage of me, you see
17:06Because they think I'm a, you know, whatchamacallit, perfectionist
17:09Get out of it
17:11Why don't you come and sit down and have some tea?
17:13There's no van to put the furniture in anyway
17:15It's not my fault, is it?
17:17I'm going to dump all the furniture outside on the pavement
17:20Then I'm going home to my hobby
17:21Your hobby? What's that?
17:23Watch repairing
17:29Is that tea, you say?
17:31Oh, well
17:32Might as well, might as well, they always say so
17:35Well, you really deserve it
17:36I've never seen a man work so hard
17:39That's a teapot
17:43Yeah, I noticed, I noticed, yeah
17:45I was just examining a little crack in the spout there
17:49Oh, it's funny, it hasn't got one, they usually have one of them
17:52Oh, tar, yeah, tar
17:55Well
17:57I don't envy his poor old majesty today, you know
18:00Look at the country he's getting home
18:02Nothing but lead swingers and women
18:07You ain't so bad
18:08Oh, thank you
18:10You going to Hong Kong too and all, then?
18:11Rangoon?
18:12No, I told you I've had my notice
18:15As of this evening, I shall have to find a new position
18:18Try standing up in a hammock
18:25Oh, you are, of course
18:26Yeah, I know, I am, yeah, I know
18:29Or swinging upside down from a gas lamp
18:33Get on with you
18:36Oh, no, we shouldn't
18:37Not on coronation day
18:39I don't often come over funny, you know
18:42Oh, I think I've done myself a mischief there
18:45Perhaps it was that heavy chair
18:47Yeah, yeah
18:49You make lovely tea
18:50Oh, do I?
18:53So you ain't going, then, eh?
18:55They asked me to
18:56Do you think I was wrong to refuse?
18:59No
19:00No, you don't want to go living up that jungle
19:02Don't I?
19:03No
19:04Nothing up there but monkeys and coconuts
19:09Funny, you know, a woman said to me the other day
19:11that I reminded her of Tarzan
19:16You know, Johnny Wiseman, you know, him in the little skirt up the Odeon
19:22There is a resemblance
19:23Yeah, it's funny how many people I look like, isn't it, eh?
19:27It's even more striking when I get my clothes off
19:30I'm sure
19:31Yeah
19:34What's your name, then?
19:35Travers
19:36Yeah, I know that, what's your first name?
19:37Oh, Jane
19:38Oh, it's true!
19:40What?
19:41Well, you Jane, me Tarzan, see?
19:45That's very good
19:51Do you know what?
19:53I've just come to one of my decisions
19:57For you, I'm going to break the rules of a lifetime
20:00I'm going to let you help me
20:01With the packing?
20:02No
20:03No, it's all done
20:04No, I know that, no, I mean with the lifting
20:08And after that, we'll go and see the big bonfires for the coronation they've built, shall we?
20:12They've got a wonderful big one up at Highgate
20:14What, you'll take me?
20:15Yeah, yeah, yeah
20:17Do you know, the last time I took a girl to see a bonfire was Armistice Day
20:24Nice girl she was, we used to call her Dirty Daphne
20:29What happened to her?
20:32Well, er
20:34I took her down this laneway in Putney, you see
20:36No, no, no, no, no, I mean afterwards
20:39Oh, afterwards, well
20:41Afterwards, I, er
20:43It was just about that time I got these new glasses, you see
20:46And so, er
20:47Afterwards, I, er
20:49I took a good look at her
20:51My God, she was fat
20:54She was fat all over
20:55Every bit of her was fat
20:56Even her hair was fat
20:59So I never changed me glasses after that
21:02Oh, that's sad
21:04You're not fat though
21:06Are you?
21:13Oh, no
21:14You're a bit thin, aren't you?
21:16Oh, is that good?
21:17Well, it's the next best thing to slender
21:21Well, let's get going
21:23Where shall we start?
21:24Bedroom
21:26I'll just clear the tea things away
21:28Whereabouts is the bedroom?
21:30Er, left, straight ahead
21:32Right
21:36Right
21:42Oh!
21:44What in tar-skinned rags get out of you?
21:48Corse, awful man, you've hurt me
21:50Who's that?
21:51I've been closed for weeks
21:53Comes to a pity pass when a person cannot do away with herself in the privacy of her own home
21:57I might just as well throw myself into some vulgar motorcar
22:01Yes, I think I will
22:04Go on then, what happens next? Go on
22:07Oh, they always break down the most exciting part, don't they?
22:11I don't think these wirelesses have got much future, meself
22:20Oh, that's what's the matter
22:21Corse, the valve's gone
22:24Right
22:26Just open up the wardrobe here
22:30I'll put the carpets in there, save me a journeyway
22:37Well, I'm ready
22:39Right, sharp your dick
22:42Right, go on then, get on with the end of this
22:45Follow me, you go first
23:01Right, wardrobe next, come
23:03Oh, just a minute
23:07Oh
23:31Oh
23:37Is there a dog in here?
24:03Well, we did it
24:04We did it
24:07Yeah, I told you something to it
24:09You were wonderful
24:11Not many people see that on First Acquaintance
24:14How long have you had your own removals business?
24:17Oh, ever since I gave up my other profession and bought the van about 23 years now
24:21Oh, what was your other profession?
24:23Demolitions
24:27Do you like the name of the firm? Do you get a move on?
24:30Yes, well, it's different
24:31Yeah, it's named after what my mum used to say to my dad, it's good, isn't it?
24:40Why didn't you call it by your own name?
24:42Well, my second name is Sale, you see, S-A-L-E
24:45And with Clarence the first name on the side of Anne, it looked like clearance sale, you see
24:51I mean, every time I pulled up and started to unload, people wanted to buy everything
24:55Yeah
24:57Matter of fact, I nearly went in for that for a while, you know, totting, you know, buying and selling
25:02It's a great Cockney tradition, that, buying and selling
25:04Was your family ever in trade, was they?
25:06Some of my ancestors were gypsies
25:09Go on, were they?
25:11Well, a long way back
25:13And I've got Irish blood in me as well
25:15Have you? Well, the old gyppos, eh?
25:18I should take you on as a partner in a firm, shouldn't I?
25:21How do you mean?
25:22Well, gypsies, very apt, isn't it, for removals for them
25:25I mean, they like to keep moving, don't they?
25:27Yes, I see
25:30You're quite humorous, aren't you?
25:33You're a bit of a laugh yourself
25:35Of course, that's the Irish in you, you see
25:38I mean, the Irish like to laugh at themselves, don't they?
25:41Well, I suppose they think everyone else is laughing at them, they might as well join in
25:47My uncle Dick, he was Irish
25:50He used to mend kettles at the side of the road
25:52Did he? I bet he was a little tinker
25:56Well, come on, let's go and get the baby washed
25:59Go and get your coat, we'll go up and see them bonfours, shall we?
26:01Oh, I can't wait
26:03I'll wait me a minute, don't go away
26:05Right-o, right-o
26:14Blimey, that was quick
26:16That's another thing I like about you, my girl
26:18What?
26:20Listen, I've been thinking about you
26:22Hang on a minute, hang on
26:24I mean, normally I don't go for women, as you know
26:26But you're different, I mean, you're straight as a die
26:28You carry your own weight, you don't yak, yak, yak all the time
26:31In short, what about it, eh?
26:33What?
26:35Us, you and me, getting spliced
26:48That, I take it, is in the nature of a refusal
26:53Well, in that case, I shall just take my leave of you, you daft-looking rotten female
27:03What's the matter with this bleeding lift?
27:10Lady?
27:12Oh, where is he?
27:16Something wrong, miss?
27:18Look, that manual labourer has had the affront of it, who asked me to marry him
27:22He what?
27:24He said I was the girl for him
27:26If he hadn't packed our telephone, I should certainly ring his employers
27:29He asked you to marry him, miss?
27:31Very idea. I should have thought you would have been more his mark
27:34If mother comes back to her, I've gone out to have a nervous breakdown
27:39He asked her
27:41He made me
27:44He made me
27:53Where's all the furniture gone?
27:56I don't want to set the world on fire
28:01Thanks, mate. It's getting warmer, isn't it?
28:22APPLAUSE
28:48Well, good riddance to her, that's what I say
28:50Here, are we still going up Highgate to see the bonfires?
28:53Of course. I'd love to
28:55Oh, good. Then we'll go down to the pub, collect the van, kick me mate out
28:58Then we'll go back to my place for fish and chips
29:00Oh, where do you live?
29:02Peckham
29:04Peckham? They'll be cold by the time we get them home
29:06No, they won't. I've solved that years ago
29:08How?
29:10I live over the chip shop