Clarence - 105 [couchtripper][U]
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FunTranscript
00:00Keep your funny side up, up, hide the side that gets blue.
00:13Life's too short to worry, you know. Where a smile and trouble will go.
00:22Keep your funny side up, up, let your laughter come through.
00:30Do stand up on your legs, feel like two fried eggs. Keep your sunny side up.
00:43He's a funny bloke, Clarence. Blind as a bat for a start and in the removals.
00:49He hit it off right away, though. He asked me to marry him, but I said I wanted a trial period first.
00:56It has been quite a trial, one way and another.
01:01We've been living in the cottage that used to belong to my old auntie in the country.
01:05Of course, we're not cohabiting, as they say.
01:09We are sleeping together. We have two, there's only one bed.
01:14But we're sharing it with a bolster.
01:17Clarence can't find any work, but I've got a job as a daily up the vicarage.
01:22So on the strength of that, we bought some chickens.
01:25Mind you, him being so short-sighted caused trouble even with them.
01:30Our very first egg. For you. Timed to perfection with your little timer.
01:37Where did you find that?
01:40In a run.
01:42They gave me that to encourage them to lay.
01:50It's a China one.
01:52Once in the dear dead days, if you don't recall, I met a man who once knew Henry Hall.
02:53What did you do that for?
02:55We said we'd have eggs for breakfast.
02:57Oh, yeah, that's right, that's where you've been, outside, isn't it?
03:00Yeah, yeah, good, our own hens, it's lovely, isn't it, eh?
03:03How many did they lay?
03:05None. We left our toast and marmalade.
03:08I don't follow that.
03:10Oh, I'm not very hungry anyway. I'll just have a cup of tea.
03:13I'll just have a cup of tea.
03:15I don't follow that.
03:17Oh, I'm not very hungry anyway. I'll just have a cup of tea.
03:20You smoke too much, you do.
03:22I have to, I'm collecting the cigarette cards, ain't I?
03:24Anyway, smoking can't kill you, can it?
03:26Oh, yes, it can. It killed my cousin Harry at the age of 34.
03:30Gone?
03:31He was coming out of a tobacconist's and he got run over by a tram.
03:36It's got nothing to do with it, has it?
03:39I mean, he could have been coming out of his own house, couldn't he?
03:41No, no, no, no.
03:43He could have been coming out of his own house, couldn't he?
03:45No, he couldn't.
03:46Why, yes, he could.
03:47No, he couldn't. Trams don't run by his house.
03:50Well, anyway, it's not going to kill me
03:52before I get the rest of the set I'm collecting.
03:54I'm collecting radio celebrities.
03:56I only need two, Harry S Pepper and Stainless Stephen.
03:59Cards seem to get old, Stainless, you know.
04:01Here, you haven't seen my fag cards, have you?
04:03They're lovely. I've got them in the drawing there.
04:05I'll show them to you.
04:07Great.
04:09Oh!
04:12Oh!
04:32Here they are, father. Here they are, look.
04:35Look, they're lovely, these, aren't they?
04:37Look, look at that. They're my favourite, look.
04:39Kings and Queens of England. Lovely, isn't it?
04:41Oh, yeah, lovely.
04:42Yeah.
04:43When was he King of England?
04:44Who?
04:45Don Bradman.
04:48What's he doing in there?
04:50Oh, must have been his fancy cap.
04:52Looks like a crown, doesn't it?
04:53What does it say underneath? Who's it supposed to be?
04:55Queen Anne.
04:56Oh.
04:57She's probably in the other book,
04:58Wicketkeeping for Gloucestershire.
05:01Oh, you are an idiot.
05:03Well, it takes one to know one, doesn't it?
05:05Is that kettle board yet?
05:07Oh, yeah, it won't be long.
05:09I've got plenty of time.
05:11I don't have to be at work for another hour.
05:14Yeah, that reminds me.
05:15We've got to find you a job.
05:17I thought we might put a card in the post office window.
05:20Well, there's not many removals jobs round here, are there, eh?
05:22I mean, there's not many houses to move from round here,
05:24not many, are there?
05:25Well, it doesn't have to be removals.
05:27A strong bloke like you can do anything.
05:29There was a job in the local paper for a watchmender.
05:32Yes.
05:34You have to have ever such good eyesight for a job like that.
05:38There's nothing wrong with my eyesight.
05:44I only wear these for reading and seeing things.
05:48I'll have you know, when I was a youngster,
05:50I used to work at a chemist making up the prescriptions, so there.
05:54Really?
05:55Yeah. Didn't last long, though, that.
05:56You surprise me. Why not?
05:58Well, the business had to close down.
06:00The owner poisoned himself.
06:03Poisoned himself?
06:06Was that proved?
06:07It was nothing to do with me.
06:09I didn't work there till after he died.
06:11His missus was running the business.
06:13She decided she'd try and carry on.
06:15And didn't she?
06:16Yeah, she did.
06:17She carried on with the bloke next door about six years.
06:19Then married him and closed down the business.
06:21Ah, she was lovely, though.
06:22Big, generous woman she was.
06:24She liked me and all.
06:26And of course, being a chemist's wife does have its advantages, you know.
06:30I was never in need of talcum powder or a hot water bottle.
06:34And, you know, she was the one woman I've ever known who never had an headache.
06:37Sounds highly suspicious to me.
06:41Are you sure it was only the man next door she was carrying on with?
06:44You're jealous, ain't you, eh?
06:46You haven't tell what expression on your face.
06:52Well, I somehow don't think you're going to find that sort of job around here.
06:56Well, we could still put a card in the window, couldn't we, though?
06:58Mountain requires odd jobs, that sort of thing.
07:00I don't think we can rely on that.
07:01I think there's only one thing.
07:03It's the labour exchange for you, my lad.
07:05The labour exchange?
07:06I'm my own boss with my own business.
07:08I'm a self-employed man.
07:10You're a self-unemployed man at the moment.
07:13I mean, Auntie's bitter savings won't last forever.
07:16And we can't live on my earnings.
07:18And I certainly can't keep you in fags.
07:21How are you going to get the last two cigarette cards to make up the set?
07:25I'll say this for you, my girl.
07:27You know how to spot a man's weak spot, don't you, eh?
07:29His athlete's foot.
07:33Achilles' heel.
07:34Yeah, that, yeah.
07:36Well, all right, you win then.
07:38Tomorrow I'll go down to the labour exchange,
07:39see if they've got a job suitable to my special condition.
07:42What special condition?
07:44Skint.
07:46I think I will have a bit of toast after all.
07:57Mmm.
08:13Mmm.
08:14Cuddly, ain't you, eh?
08:17What made you decide to get rid of the bolster?
08:28Oh.
08:35Tea.
08:37Oh.
08:50Tea.
08:53Oh.
08:54Oh.
08:55Tea.
08:56Got it?
08:57Hang on, hang on.
09:03There.
09:04Ah, it's you.
09:06I was just dreaming about you.
09:09Oh?
09:10What was happening?
09:11I was climbing a tree.
09:15That's a relief.
09:18Where was I?
09:19You were up it.
09:21The chickens were up it, I know.
09:24I said, what are you doing up here?
09:25And you said, I'm collecting eggs.
09:26And I said, I'm collecting fat cogs.
09:29Have you got any swaps?
09:30And you swapped me a hard-boiled egg for Tom Bradman.
09:33Do dreams mean anything?
09:35Oh, yes, certainly.
09:36Oh, what did that one mean then?
09:37It meant you ate too much cheese for supper last night.
09:40Go on, drink your tea.
09:41Right, I'm here.
09:44We've changed sides.
09:46You were on my side of the bed.
09:47Why did you do that for?
09:48Because you were rolling about climbing the bolster.
09:51Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
09:53Was I misbehaving?
09:55Only with the bolster.
09:58Now, labour exchange this morning.
10:01Oh, I do hope they can find you something suitable.
10:04Well, we shall see what we shall see, shan't we?
10:06That's what I'm worried about.
10:14Good luck.
10:15You'll be all right driving?
10:16Yeah, of course I will.
10:18Are you sure?
10:19Listen, woman, I've been driving this van for 20 years.
10:22Of course I'll be all right.
10:24The steering wheel's the other end.
10:38I'm in the parlour.
10:42I thought I'd brighten the old place up a bit.
10:45Nice shade of blue, isn't it?
10:48Lovely.
10:49Show off the ornaments.
10:50Why don't you make them stand out?
10:54Well, not now.
10:55You've painted them blue as well.
10:59Oh, boy.
11:00I thought that bit felt a bit strange along there.
11:04I thought the paint was lumpy.
11:07Auntie's under there somewhere.
11:09Oh, is she?
11:10Is that her?
11:11Look.
11:12Oh, dear.
11:13Oh, Lord.
11:14I'd better put some tea on.
11:15Yeah.
11:16The kettle's on already.
11:17Oh, well, I'll go and put some water in it.
11:22Poor old auntie.
11:23Sorry about this, auntie.
11:24Don't worry.
11:25Don't worry, my dear.
11:26I'll, er...
11:27I'll just put a drop of turps on you.
11:30That's it.
11:32Give you a rub down.
11:35You'll be as good as new.
11:36You'll feel like a new woman.
11:38Well, as new as you can feel when you're dead.
11:42Good job you was a conservative, wasn't it?
11:44Yeah.
11:45Here, did you put that card in the post office window?
11:47Yes.
11:48One and sixpence for the week.
11:50Ah.
11:51Well, you was wasting your time, then, and your money.
11:53Why?
11:54Aren't you going to ask me how I got on down the labour exchange?
11:57Yes, of course I am.
11:58Well, ask me, then.
11:59How did you get on down the labour exchange?
12:01I got a job.
12:02You never.
12:03I did.
12:04You didn't.
12:06All right, then, I didn't.
12:08But in spite of the fact that I didn't, I start Monday.
12:12Hey, mind the paint.
12:13Mind the paint.
12:14Oh, where?
12:15Well, I'm working for the council.
12:16Oh, doing what?
12:18Well, it didn't say.
12:19It just said turn up Monday.
12:21But the bloke who was in charge of it seemed very impressed with my knowledge of removals and cigarette cards.
12:27So I should think I'll be some sort of executive.
12:32Oh, well.
12:33We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
12:34Yeah.
12:35Well, it will be something important, I'm sure, because they're going to give me my own set of overalls.
12:39Oh, well, there we are, then.
12:40Yeah.
12:41Well, that is good.
12:42Oh, I'm ever so glad.
12:44Oh, well.
12:45Maybe things are going to turn out well for us.
12:47Yeah.
12:48Then perhaps we can get married and live as man and wife, eh?
12:50Instead of man and friend.
12:53I mean, a man's best friend's supposed to be a dog, not a parlour maid, isn't he?
12:57Yes.
12:58Well, for the moment, you must treat me as your lap dog.
13:01I'll be your lap dog.
13:02I'll be your faithful friend.
13:03I'll go and fetch your slippers for you.
13:04Oh, yes, that's all very well.
13:06But I'm more interested in when you're going to start wagging your tail.
13:12That's enough of that.
13:14Ian, now, what about if I nip up to the pub and get us a bottle of Guinness each to have with our supper?
13:19We'll have a celebration.
13:21Oh, that would be nice, yeah.
13:22I've forgotten what the taste of Guinness looks like.
13:25I like living here, you know, it's lovely.
13:27I love waking up in the morning, hearing the birds singing and the cuckoos cooking and...
13:33all them bleating sheep.
13:36No swearing.
13:38Bleating, I said, bleating, that's what sheep do, bleat, don't they?
13:40Sorry.
13:41It just sounds different in the countryside, doesn't it?
13:44I mean, all you get round Peckham is the little sparrows coughing their lungs up round the glue factory.
13:50Do you know what they make glue out of? Horses.
13:52Horses what?
13:55Horses, that's what they make glue out of. Horses, what?
13:58They make glue out of horses.
14:00They just melt down horses to make glue out of.
14:03Terrible smell round that glue factory.
14:06Yeah, I'm glad to be out of all that.
14:08Don't you miss your mates and the pub and that?
14:10Well, I never had many mates, really.
14:12No, I've always been a bit of a loner, preferred my own company.
14:15What about the fish and chips? I bet you miss them, living above the chip shop.
14:19Well, funny enough, that is the one smell I do miss.
14:22The old Chish and Phipps, you know.
14:25Yeah, I do.
14:26But of course, you can fry chips, can't you?
14:29And I can catch fish down in the river, can't I?
14:31Do you know how to fish?
14:33Yeah, yeah, nothing to it.
14:35Yeah, yeah, nothing to it.
14:37You just get your rod, tackle up and chuck at him.
14:39Tackle up?
14:40What you do, you see, you have this very fine line, you see, like a ten-pound line,
14:44and you wind it onto your reel very carefully, making sure it's straight,
14:47and then you thread it through these little screw eyes all the way up the rod.
14:50You know, it's like threading a needle, really.
14:52You go right up, like, it's quite intricate, really.
14:54You thread them right through, and then you pull them down like that,
14:56and then you attach your float to it there, you see.
14:58And then you get these little tiny lead weights, they've got slits in like that,
15:01and you bite them onto the line like that. They're very tiny like that.
15:03And you bite them on, and then you tie on your hook, see, double knot like that,
15:06and simply put your bait on and toss it in, see.
15:08Oh, I see, yes.
15:10Yeah.
15:11Perhaps there's a nice fish shop in the village.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:15Don't you think there's any fish in the river, then?
15:17I have a feeling we shall never know.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:20What do you mean?
15:21Never mind.
15:22Anyway, you won't have much time to fish now you've got your new job.
15:25No.
15:26You'll be off in the morning earning us a crust.
15:28Hey, you are not to go to work, though, in the van.
15:31Why not?
15:32Why not?
15:33Because I'm not having it, that's why.
15:35There's a perfectly good bus service every hour on the hour,
15:38give or take ten minutes.
15:40But I wouldn't be easy in my mind, all right?
15:42All right, all right, whatever you say, Fido.
15:45Hi.
15:46Hi, the paint.
15:48Yeah, you haven't finished your tea.
15:50Look, I'm going to go and get dressed,
15:52and then I'll go and get the Guinness, all right?
15:54And don't paint any more ornaments.
15:56I'll paint your ornaments if you're not careful.
15:58Cheeky.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:06Oh, God.
16:09There's no sugar in that.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:13LAUGHTER
16:24LAUGHTER
16:29LAUGHTER
16:34LAUGHTER
16:44LAUGHTER
16:47LAUGHTER
17:10Oh!
17:11I can't have you near me that long.
17:13Sorry.
17:15BELL RINGS
17:18Oh!
17:23LAUGHTER
17:28LAUGHTER
17:39LAUGHTER
17:46LAUGHTER
17:56LAUGHTER
18:15SIGHS
18:21LAUGHTER
18:26LAUGHTER
18:42LAUGHTER
18:46LAUGHTER
19:02LAUGHTER
19:12Oh!
19:15Oh, dear, dear.
19:17SCREAMS
19:19LAUGHTER
19:28I've got a job at the sewage works.
19:31Well, I'd never have guessed.
19:35Why won't you let me in? Haven't you got anything on?
19:38It's not what I've got on, it's what you've got on.
19:41You can't come in here. You smell dreadful.
19:44You'll have to have a bath quick before I suffocate.
19:47Listen, I could have a rub down the kitchen, can't I?
19:50SCREAMS
19:52You can't wash in here.
19:54Well, I can't strip down the garden, can I?
19:57Well, look, it's a fine evening.
19:59Go for a walk for half an hour while I think of something.
20:02I don't want to go for a walk. I just walked all the way.
20:05Go on, for heaven's sake. You'll turn the milk sour.
20:08They wouldn't let me on the bus.
20:38LAUGHTER
21:08I'm back.
21:11I know you are.
21:13I've put the tin bath in the shed.
21:16There's a big towel in there and some soap.
21:19I won't be able to get in that bath. It's too small.
21:22It isn't. Throw all your clothes out and I'll put them in soak.
21:26Can't get near them.
21:28Hey, hey! Oh, what?
21:30Listen, when I'm in there,
21:32I don't want you peering through the keel at my naked person.
21:36Listen, if you're worried I might see something I shouldn't,
21:40hang your cap over it.
21:46I beg your pardon?
21:49The keyhole, stupid.
21:52LAUGHTER
22:04Damn rats, I shouldn't wonder.
22:06Pretty heavy-footed ones, I'll say that.
22:08Hey, talking to yourself again, aren't you, Clarence?
22:11Of course I'm talking to myself. There's nobody else here, is there?
22:14I don't fancy taking my clothes off much with rats about.
22:17They say the big ones go for your throat.
22:20I wonder what the little ones go for.
22:24I'm going to try this bath for size before I strip off.
22:27I mean, there's no point in filling it all up with water,
22:30only to find you can't. Yeah, there isn't.
22:36Oh, Lord.
22:42Oh...
22:51Oh, dear. Now what?
22:54You never told me it was full of water.
22:57Of course it's full of water.
22:59What, do you expect dry cleaning or what?
23:02I'm going to try the size with me clothes on.
23:05Only a man would get into a bath with his clothes on.
23:09I'm soaking wet.
23:11Yes, you would be.
23:13Oh, Lord, I can't stand any more of this.
23:15Now, listen.
23:17Take off all your clothes in the garden,
23:19come in here and I'll scrub you down myself.
23:22I can't take my clothes off in the garden.
23:24Suppose someone sees me and the vicar's wife got wind of it.
23:27The whole village has got wind of it by now.
23:33Listen, I've got an enormous bottle of Paris toilet water
23:36I got for Christmas. We'll smother you in that.
23:39Is that strong enough to kill it?
23:41It's strong enough to kill sheep.
23:43Come on, let's get in there.
23:46Come on, let's get it over with.
23:48Dump your clothes in the garden. We'll leave them out to air.
23:51I'll drop them on the rhubarb. Might do it some good.
23:56Well, how do I smell now?
23:59Lovely. I told you that Paris toilet water would do the trick.
24:03Certainly did. I smell like a Paris toilet.
24:06Well, at least you're clean.
24:08Yeah, thanks to you.
24:10I reek of it as well.
24:12Mind you, you was a bit rough with the old scrubbing brush, you know.
24:15Do you good. Stimulates the blood vessels.
24:17Oh, I enjoyed it.
24:20Sure you did.
24:22Well, at least you know what you're getting when we get married.
24:25Now, don't get coarse, please.
24:28And it's still if we get married.
24:30Why? Something put you off?
24:34Not my muscles, is it? I've got my muscles through my job.
24:37No, your muscles are all right.
24:39For a man of your age.
24:41Thanks very much.
24:43You're all right. I think we might make a go of it.
24:46On one condition.
24:48What condition?
24:50I don't want you working at that sewage works.
24:52You're on a daily basis. You end in your notice tomorrow.
24:55Yeah, of course I will.
24:57So we can get married, can we?
24:59All right.
25:02Ah, good.
25:07Can we move this bolster tonight, then?
25:10No, we cannot.
25:12And don't you dare touch anything connected with sewage tomorrow.
25:15Otherwise, I'm warning you, you won't touch anything connected with me.
25:19Here you are. Night-night.
25:21Put the lamp out. Yeah, right-o.
25:26Here.
25:28Do you mind if I open a window?
25:32This perfume's making me feel dizzy.
25:36Oh.
25:44Ooh, gore.
25:48I forgot the rhubarb's right under that window.
26:06Excuse me.
26:08Yeah? What is it, madam?
26:13Ooh, I was just, um...
26:17...wondering...
26:19...if I could...
26:23...please...
26:25...go in and have a kiss...
26:27...with a little you...
26:29...and a little me...
26:31...and a little you...
26:33...and a little you shall be pleased...
26:37...for I've brought this little, little, second-hand to work...
26:43...some too much, some little, little, some too much.
26:49Oh!
26:51Oh, that's more like it.
26:53I got your tea ready. Yeah?
26:55Did you give your notice in? Yeah, yeah, I finished, yeah.
26:58The foreman was a bit put out, mind you.
27:00He said, with jobs so difficult to get, it was not the sort of thing you should turn your nose up at, he said.
27:05And I said, well, that's just what my missus did, so I'm leaving.
27:08Your missus? Who's she, I should like to know?
27:10That's you, innit? That's you.
27:12I mean, you're married but not churched, ain't you?
27:14I'm not anything gentle, have you known?
27:17Ooh, this perfume is half strong. Yeah.
27:20It clings, doesn't it? So do you today, don't you?
27:23What are you so happy about, eh?
27:25I got the sack from the vicarage.
27:27You what?
27:28The vicar's wife accused me of being a tart.
27:32You a tart? Well, that's good, that is.
27:34It was the perfume.
27:36She said she certainly couldn't have a smell as strong as that lingering about the vicarage.
27:40People would talk.
27:41So I told her what I thought of her.
27:43Ah, what happened?
27:45She nearly bust her corset.
27:47Good for you, you should have told her what I thought of her.
27:50She'd have split her knickers and all.
27:54So, she sent you packing, did she?
27:56She practically threw me out bodily.
27:58Yeah. Oh, it was worth it.
28:00Great fat lummox.
28:02Still, wait a minute, it's not very clever though, is it?
28:04Now we've got no money coming in, have we?
28:06Ah, well, we will have.
28:08Because on the way in this morning,
28:10I called in at the post office to see if there was an answer to your advert.
28:14And the woman behind the counter says
28:16there's an old lady in the village wants looking after.
28:19Well, I can't do that, can I?
28:20No, no, no.
28:21No, I took the job.
28:23And I popped up to see her.
28:25Sweet old thing.
28:26She's only got one leg.
28:27Oh, that'll cut down on the shoe cleaning, then, won't it?
28:32You are awful.
28:34No, no, no.
28:35She wants a part-time gardener as well.
28:38So you could do a bit of that.
28:40She says she's redoing her garden
28:42and she wants things in it to attract the butterflies.
28:44Oh, smelling like this, I should be just about right, then, shouldn't I?
28:47So, what do you reckon?
28:49Well, I might consider it, along with my other offer.
28:52What other offer?
28:53Well, all due to your perfume again.
28:55The man at the bus stop offered me a job as a window dresser.
28:58I think you'd better give me another bath
29:00to get the smell of this perfume off me, eh?
29:23Now, listen.
29:43I don't want any hanky-panky while I'm scrubbing your back.
29:46Just because I smell like a tart doesn't mean to say I am one.
29:49Course you're not.
29:50Promise?
29:51I promise I will never think of you as a tart.
29:54I'll just think of you as a scrubber.