Clarence - 102 [couchtripper][U]
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FunTranscript
00:00Keep your funny side up, up Hide the side that gets blue
00:14Life's too short to worry, you know Where a smile and trouble will go
00:23Keep your funny side up, up Let your laughter come through, do
00:32Stand upon your legs, be like two fried eggs Keep your sunny side up
00:41He's a funny bloke, Clarence, a removals man Not at all suited to his job
00:48For a start, he's as blind as a bat Can't see beyond his own pebbled glasses
00:53Won't admit it, mind you Very proud of his skill and his strength
00:58And at the same time, the clumsiest man I ever met
01:02He's ever so nice, though I only met him last week, but I do like him
01:08On coronation day, it was, he came to move Madam out
01:12And we got on ever so well He proposed before the day was out
01:17Not to me, but he thought he was proposing to me
01:21So anyway, I ran after him and told him I'd think it over
01:26Then he suggested we go up to see the coronation bonfires
01:30Of course, I'd love to
01:31Good, then we'll go down to the pub, collect the van, kick me mate out
01:34Then we'll go back to my place for fish and chips
01:36Oh, where do you live?
01:37Peckham
01:38Peckham? They'll be cold by the time we get them home
01:41No they won't, I've solved that years ago
01:43How?
01:44I live over at a chip shop
01:46Oh
01:49Does a nice bit of fish downstairs, doesn't he?
01:51Mmm, lovely
01:52Yeah, good fat chips and all
01:54I like eating them best out the paper, really
01:57Do you know the biggest selling newspaper in the Welsh mining villages?
02:01The Times
02:02Do you know why? Because it's sicker, makes better tablecloths
02:05No, that's true, it's the gospel of truth, that is
02:07They can't afford tablecloths, you see, so they buy the Times
02:10Do you want some salt?
02:12No, no, no thanks
02:17Thank you
02:22I like a bit of salt
02:28What's the matter? It must be damp
02:32Here, try this one
02:34Oh, tar
02:35What's the other one? Pepper, is it?
02:37A torch battery
02:40Is what?
02:42That's good, isn't it? It's not a salt and pepper, it's a salt and battery
02:47That's not bad for this time of night, is it, eh? Salt and battery, yeah
02:51Well, what do you think of the old place, then, eh?
02:53It's not much, but it's home
02:55Did you, er, did you decorate it yourself?
02:58Yeah, oh yeah, did all the decorating, yeah
03:01I like decorating, yeah
03:03Yeah, I did the bedroom at the same time
03:05What colour is the bedroom? Blue and white?
03:09How the devil did you know that?
03:12Oh, I just guessed
03:14I like blue and white for a bedroom
03:16Lots of people have blue and white bedrooms
03:18Oh, do they? Been in a lot of bedrooms, have you, naughty girl?
03:20You told me you was a good girl
03:22Well, no, in my job, silly
03:24I see a lot in my job
03:25Oh, yeah, right, yeah, yeah
03:27Now, it is blue with a white stripe, see?
03:30Yeah, I do that always, white with a blue stripe
03:32Difficult to tell, isn't it, with stripes?
03:34You don't know which is the stripe and which is the other bit, do you?
03:37Like a cup of tea, would you?
03:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
03:43I'll do that
03:44You just sit down and put your feet up
03:46Oh, right, I'll get the cups, shall I?
03:48No, no, no, you sit down, I'll do all that
03:50Oh, right-o
03:53Nice to be weighted on
03:56Um, where are the cups?
03:58Oh, use them over there, next to the picture of my dad there
04:05This one? Is this the one you mean?
04:07Yeah, that's him, yeah
04:12Yeah, there he is, look
04:16Funny-looking bloke, wasn't he?
04:18People say I look like him, but I can't see it meself
04:22Thought you were going to sit down and let me do this
04:25Oh, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah
04:27Take the weight off
04:29I'm a bit excited, you see, that's the trouble
04:31I don't usually get people coming
04:32Oh, yeah, right, right, yeah, right
04:35Do you like living on your own?
04:37Well, I'm used to it
04:40What about you?
04:41I hate it
04:43That's why I went into service
04:45It's so lonely
04:46Do you know, I've only got one real friend in the world, my guinea pig
04:50Well, isn't that enough, then?
04:51No
04:55Well, why didn't you get another guinea pig?
04:57Now, listen, Clarence, whatever your name is
05:00You made a proposal of marriage to me earlier on
05:03Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway
05:05No, it wasn't to you, was it?
05:06It was that other oil-to-toy bit of crumpet, wasn't it?
05:08Yes, but you thought it was me
05:10And I am considering your offer
05:12Just a minute, you slapped my face, didn't you?
05:14No, that was her
05:16Oh, was it? Oh, confusing, isn't it?
05:19Never mind, what are you trying to say, then?
05:21Are you trying to say you want to back out now, now you see the way I live?
05:24No, no, no, I've got nothing to back out of
05:26I'm still considering
05:29And I think...
05:31Well, I think we ought to have a trial period
05:39Yeah
05:42Yeah, certainly, yeah
05:44You can stay tonight, if you like
05:46I'll show the blue stripes in me bedroom
05:48No, no, no, that's not what I mean
05:50I mean separately
05:51I mean live together but sleep separately
05:53Well, you mean take turns, you mean?
05:55Like the Navy, one on, one off, you mean?
05:57No, just listen, will you?
05:59Just sit down, finish your meal and listen
06:01Very good, madam
06:02Your word is my command
06:05Oh, my God, are you all right?
06:08Did you move that chair, did you?
06:10Yeah, I must have done, I'm sorry
06:13Are you all right, really?
06:14Yes, yes, I'm as right as ninepence
06:16Oh, well, eightpence, anyhow
06:21You were saying?
06:23Well, what I'm trying to say is
06:25I'm not going to straightaway start living with you
06:28Like, in sin, you know, like a tuck-me-out-me-tart
06:31I'm not going to live with you like that
06:33A lot of women have done that and then regretted it
06:36What are you talking about, a lot of women have done that
06:38There's only been two women in my life
06:40And neither of them have been tuck-me-out-me-tarts
06:43Well, one of them was, but that didn't last long
06:46Why not?
06:47She put the price up to fretness
06:51No, no, no, that's not what I mean
06:53I mean, I've met women who've been talked into this sort of arrangement
06:57And they've finished up on the scrapheap
06:59I mean, nobody wants someone else's left-offs
07:01What are you talking about, left-offs, scrapheap?
07:04I'm a removals man, not a rag-and-bone man
07:08Anyhow, I'm not like that
07:10If I get used to things, I like to not part with them
07:14I like to stick to them
07:16Like these socks, for instance
07:19And this old watch, you see this old watch here?
07:21That is my grandad's old watch, that
07:23He gave me that in his will
07:25He left it?
07:26Well, of course he did, you have to, don't you?
07:28And you know, ever since the day he died, I've wound that watch
07:32And I have looked after it, and it's never stopped ticking from that day to this
07:36Does it keep good time?
07:38Probably
07:40Well, what time is it now?
07:42I don't know, the hands are falling off
07:44Well, it's no good then, is it?
07:46Yes, it is to me, yes, I love that old watch
07:48It doesn't go
07:49Yes, it does, it goes everywhere I go
07:53It's an old friend
07:55It doesn't do to abandon an old friend
07:57How about new friends?
07:59Them neither
08:01I hope you mean it
08:03I do, I do
08:04Well, I'm going to tell you something now
08:06I had a stroke of luck recently
08:08My auntie died of a heart attack
08:10Oh
08:12It wasn't a stroke of luck for her, then, was it?
08:15It was just a stroke
08:17Well, now, really, that's not very nice
08:19No, sorry, no
08:21I spoke without thinking, sorry
08:27Look, are you listening to me?
08:29Yeah
08:30Look, what I'm trying to tell you is this
08:32She left this old cottage in the country to me
08:35And 200 pounds
08:37Oh, good for auntie
08:39Still, what has that got to do with you and me sleeping together?
08:41I mean, I don't mind ob-nobbing with a landed gender in
08:43No, well, what I was trying to suggest is
08:46Why can't we go there for our trial period?
08:49It's got two bedrooms
08:51Well, live there, you mean
08:52Well, what about my job?
08:54Well, you're your own master
08:56It's your own van
08:57You can do removals and odd jobs in the country
08:59Just the same as up here
09:00But what about my contacts?
09:02Have you got any contacts?
09:04No
09:06Oh, it would be nice in the country
09:09Oh, I don't know about that
09:11I mean, I haven't even seen the place, have I?
09:13I'd have to have a good look at the place close to
09:15Well, you could take me down there
09:17Yeah, you could take me down there in the van
09:20What would we live on, then?
09:21The 200 pounds
09:23Until you got some work
09:25I'd have to sell up here, wouldn't I?
09:26Well, we'd have that money as well
09:30Look, just give me a little time to think about it, would you?
09:34Oh, yeah, yes, all right
09:41I must be going soon
09:44Paddy will wonder where I am
09:46Paddy?
09:48My guinea pig
09:49Oh, I see
09:52Oh, I had visions of some big airy Irishman
09:54I was going to have to fight to get you
09:57No, no one to fight
10:00I think you're ever so nice
10:03Right, well, I'm going now
10:05All right, then
10:07Give us a nice kiss to be going on with, then
10:09Oh, no, no, no, I mustn't
10:11I've got scruples
10:12Oh, that's all right, I had them when I was a kid
10:30You look lovely
10:33You taste nice and all
10:35How about going to pictures tomorrow night, eh?
10:37Yeah, all right
10:39Which one?
10:40The Electric Wollum Green
10:41The bloke says there's a great juicy picture on the air
10:43Lovely it is
10:44It's about a man who kills everyone in sight, including his mother
10:46And he drives his best girl mad
10:48Oh, yes, I know the one you mean
10:50Oh, do you? What's it called?
10:51Well, last time I saw it, it was called Hamlet
10:56She said to me...
11:07Good evening
11:14It's good, wasn't it?
11:15Yeah, I still think you'd see better from the front row
11:19That was the front row
11:20Oh, yes
11:23Well, so, the decision is yes, then?
11:28Yeah, yeah, who gave it a go?
11:30Well, we'll go and have a look, anyhow
11:32Right
11:33I'll pick you up in the van Monday, all right?
11:34Yeah
11:35All right, then
11:36Oh, come on, come on
11:37Oh, well
11:38Oi!
11:39Can't do that at home, not outside my cinema
11:44Hey, a couple like you ought to be over all that sort of thing by now
11:47Who are you calling old mate?
11:49You'd better watch what you're talking about
11:54You're no spring chicken yourself, are you?
11:57Lovely old devil
12:02Being a boy, she was fun
12:04Robbing out the clouds of grey
12:06They must have known just how I liked it
12:09Everything coming my way
12:14Pity this fog had to come down, innit?
12:20Yes, you'd better go careful
12:23I always go careful
12:26How do you think I feel in the land where I live in?
12:29Yes, that's a question that had crossed my mind
12:40Oh, if we turn left here
12:42That's right
12:49I didn't mean straight away, I meant at the next turning
12:52Yeah, I know you did, I know you did
12:54I just saw it'd be a nice place to stop to have our sandwiches
12:59Oh dear, what's that funny smell?
13:03That's the countryside
13:05Oh, very strong, innit?
13:07No, that's lovely
13:09That's the earth
13:11And the hay
13:13And the cows in that
13:18Cows, is it?
13:23That's a cow, innit?
13:26Of course it is
13:28Don't tell me you've never seen a cow before?
13:30Well, only on the pictures
13:32They don't bite, do they?
13:34No, they just chew the cud
13:36Oh, thanks for the warning
13:38Keep mine well out of the way
13:41What a doll
13:43Pleasant though, innit I?
13:45Well, you'll do till my belted Earl comes along
13:47If he does come along, I'll belt him
13:52Listen, you must teach me to drive the van
13:55Yeah, sure, easy
13:57I can learn you in half an hour
13:59Good! Well, we're allowed half an hour to eat our sandwiches
14:02and it's not going to take us that long
14:04You can teach me now
14:06Here, get these down your neck, quick
14:26There it is, that's it
14:28Oh, yeah
14:30I'll make love, thank you
14:56Oh
15:00Well, here
15:06Ah, it's nice, innit?
15:08That's for shade
15:09I mean, it's nice for a shade
15:11Ah
15:24Ah
15:27That is tin
15:29Corrugated iron
15:31Lots of little places used to be built like it
15:33Be all right if you forget your key, won't you?
15:36All you need's a tin opener
15:42Phew
16:01Well, she kept it nice, anyhow
16:07Needs a fair bit of work to do on it, though
16:09A lot of decorating, wallpapering
16:11Oh, that's all right, I'm good at wallpapering, I'll do that, yeah
16:14Mind you, I've never put wallpaper up on corrugated iron before
16:17Be all right in the bathroom, won't it?
16:19I put me blue stripe up, looked like the tide coming in, won't it?
16:23The walls aren't wavy inside, they've been plastered
16:27Oh, have they?
16:28Oh, yes, there they are now, take a closer look, yeah
16:31Yeah, Corley made a good job of that and all, look at that
16:35Smooth as a baby's bottom lip, that is, look at that
16:37That'll be no trouble
16:38God, look at the dust
16:40Well, what's a bit of dust matter, eh?
16:42You women are all the same
16:43When it comes to a bit of dust, you go dolly, don't you?
16:45I don't notice it meself
16:53What happened, you lit the fire?
16:57God, every room's the same, what a state
17:01Still, nothing that a bit of elbow grease can't cure
17:06This is going to be my bedroom
17:08Oh, is it? All right, please enjoy, if we are, I don't mind where I dust down meself
17:12Oh, that's a nice view from here, isn't it?
17:15Is that the sea?
17:18What?
17:19I say, you can see the sea from here
17:21What, in Oxfordshire?
17:23Oh, is that where we are?
17:25Oh, I never was any good at sense of direction, you know
17:29I once went to night school to learn how to map read, but I could never find me way home again
17:35Well, what do you think?
17:36What?
17:37This place, shall we move in?
17:39I mean, do you reckon we can make it habitable?
17:41Yeah, it's not bad, what I've seen of it
17:44You game?
17:45Well, I am if you are
17:47Well, I am if you are
17:49Right then
17:50Right then, Saturday?
17:52Let's make it Sunday, no traffic on the road
17:55We'll pack your furniture into the van and just come here
17:57Yeah, pack up all our cares and woe, here we go, singing low
18:01Bye, bye, Peckham
18:06Oh
18:12Cool
18:22That'll need fixing for a start
18:35Oh, yes
18:54I hope we're doing right
18:56Not in the eyes of the church, we're not
18:58Don't mean that
19:00Anyhow, the eyes of the church ain't going to be looking through the keyhole all the time, are they?
19:06They're very nosy in these little villages
19:09They frown on people cohabiting
19:11We're not going to be cohabiting
19:13Just living together
19:16I can't see the difference
19:18Oh, yeah?
19:19Blimey, you're just the girl I've been looking for
19:23Stop it!
19:25Don't you dare when I'm driving
19:28You know I can't drive without both hands on the wheel
19:31I know, that's why I did it
19:36Clarence, would you mind putting my dress back down over my knees, please?
19:42Of course
19:44Nothing will give me greater disappointment
19:48There you are
19:49Thank you
19:51Nice dress, that
19:52Lovely colour
19:54I had this for my 40th birthday
19:56Blimey, it has worn well
19:59Ow!
20:00Hey!
20:02You took your hand off the wheel to do that, didn't you?
20:17Well, here we are
20:18Yep
20:19You open the back of the van and we can start unloading
20:22Righto, Sergeant
20:26I'll unlock the door
20:29Now I've found the key
20:48Windy, isn't it?
20:52Oi! Round this way
20:55Oh, yeah, I was just having a look around the garden
20:59Nice lot of dahlias coming up
21:06Terrible smell of fish and chips on these cushions
21:09Better leave them outside to air
21:12Cor, dear, that old sofa needs restuffing
21:19Would you kindly keep your hands to yourself?
21:21We're not married yet, you know
21:23I'm sorry I didn't notice you
21:25Do now, though
21:27That's enough?
21:28Yeah, plenty
21:30Now listen
21:31All right, all right, all right, I know
21:33I'll behave myself, work to be done, all right
21:35Come on, give us a hand with this one first, look
21:38Let's get this chair up
21:46That's it
21:50Up a step
21:51Up a step
21:52Up another one
21:53Up another one
21:54Right, now down
21:56Down one
21:57Down one there
21:58Won't work going up one and come down one, will it?
22:01Now, well
22:07What is it?
22:08It's a cupboard
22:10Yeah, solid oak, that is
22:12I made that up me own head
22:13Did you?
22:15It's unusual for a cupboard
22:16You're wondering why there's no back on it, aren't you?
22:18Well, it's supposed to go against the wall, you see
22:20I realise you don't need a back when you've got doors
22:23Well, it hasn't got no doors
22:25I had to take the doors off to put on my wardrobe, see
22:28What happened to your wardrobe doors?
22:30Well, I had to cut them up to make the size of this
22:36And the shelf, of course, you see, the shelf
22:39Oh, I see, now it's becoming clear
22:42What shelf?
22:44Yeah, well, I had to use the shelf to make the bottom when the bottom fell off, see
22:48It's a pity, that, because I used to use that shelf to keep my book on
22:52What book?
22:53Well, a book I had for reading, like
22:55Oh? What sort of book was it?
22:57The big green one
22:59Did it have a title?
23:00Yeah, it was called The Wide World World, Volume 2
23:03Ever read it?
23:04No, I can't say I have
23:06Not Volume 2
23:07It's a lovely book, that
23:09Taught me a lot, that book, I learnt a lot from that, yeah
23:11You could ask me anything about the world at all and I could tell you
23:14Provided it began with C or D
23:18Where's the kettle?
23:19Oh, a kettle begins with a K, not a C, that's not fair, now, is it?
23:22Now, I want to make some tea, stupid
23:24Oh, well, there'll be one on the gas, won't there?
23:26Ah, there ain't no gas
23:28No gas?
23:29No, not in the country, there never is
23:31They can't lay gas pipes right out here
23:33Well, how do we go on, then?
23:35Everything has to be heated on the fire, the range
23:38Well, there's no electric, either
23:39No
23:40Well, what do we do when it gets all dark, then?
23:42I hope
23:45We light the oil lamps
23:47Oh, yeah
23:48And candles at bedtime
23:49Oh, I used to have cocoa
23:53Well, I might be able to manage some of that
23:55Oh, good
23:56Might there be something else you could manage some of?
23:58Now, listen, my lad, it's still broad daylight
24:01And we've still got half a van load to shift, come on
24:03All right, then, just let me put this in the corner
24:05Come on, give us a lift with this
24:12That's it, that's better
24:14Have we got any candles?
24:16Dozens
24:17Oh, pity
24:22Oh, dear
24:41I've got a Wallace going now, see
24:45Do you know, this was Auntie's favourite tune, this Wallace
24:48Oh
24:49Do you see how often this tune must have been played
24:51On this old pianola over the years?
24:53Yeah
24:54She used to sing it to us when we was little
24:56Yeah, her favourite, was it?
24:57Yeah
24:58Beautiful, isn't it?
25:00Lovely, isn't it, yeah
25:05Any old iron in it?
25:08Love any old iron
25:10Loves old sweet songs
25:12Oh, yeah, I always mix them two up
25:14Yeah
25:15Do you know, I know every note of it
25:17Do you?
25:18Somehow makes Auntie seem so close
25:20Just like when we was kids
25:23You somehow feel she might be here with us in this very room
25:26Yeah
25:27There she is, look
25:28Where, where, where?
25:30That's her, look, that's her
25:32Oh, God, you didn't half give me a turn, then
25:36I thought you meant really
25:37I hate ghosts
25:39Especially dead ones
25:42Oh, that's her, is it?
25:44Was it, I mean
25:46She looks a cheery old soul anyway, doesn't she?
25:48Well, come on, look, this won't do
25:50We've got to get on, what we going to do next, come on
25:52Well, I suppose we ought to get the bedrooms in some sort of order
25:54Yeah
25:55Hey, good fun, isn't it?
25:56Yeah, yeah, I'm enjoying myself, yeah
25:58I mean, it makes a change, doesn't it?
25:59Me shifting furniture and you tidying the place up
26:01Oh, well, it's different when it's your own place
26:03Yeah
26:04Well, come on
26:05Will you get my bed up for me if I sort out the kitchen things?
26:08Yeah, certainly
26:09I've got to get you to bed somehow tonight, haven't I?
26:16I don't know where the broom cupboard is, do you?
26:22Little things are all I desire, dear
26:26A bungalow, a pick-a-low and you
26:29Little things set my heart on fire, dear
26:35Little things set my heart on fire, dear
26:39Little things set my heart on fire, dear
26:45How's it going?
26:48Oh, you got it put together, then
26:50Yeah, solid as a rock, this bed, yeah
26:52Yeah
26:53It's deceiving, though, isn't it? You know, this is quite heavy, this bed is
26:56Not to me, but a normal man like
26:58Oh, well, I'm glad you're feeling strong
26:59Oh, yeah
27:00Because there's a box that...
27:01Oh, God, a mouse!
27:02A what?
27:03Oh, God, I hate them
27:04Get it, get it
27:05How can I get it? Were you on top of me?
27:07Where's it gone?
27:09Oh, God, we've got to get something for them
27:11Listen, if you're going to go on like this, I'll get some more in
27:15Here
27:16What?
27:17What are you doing with my knickers?
27:18I never touched them
27:20Oh, these, thank you very much
27:23They're my unmentionables
27:25Oh, don't mention it
27:27What are you doing with them?
27:29Oh, I was just mopping me brow, that's all
27:31I thought it was a bit smooth for a duster
27:33Don't get personal again
27:35I wonder where that mouse went
27:37Listen, I've got some mousetraps in me crate out there
27:39You got any cheese to put on them?
27:40Oh, yes, a bit
27:41I'll set some up
27:42Yeah, righto
27:44Oh, dear, did you hear that?
27:46These boards are a bit squeaky
27:47There might be a bit of dry rot in there
27:49Oh, Lord, that's bad, isn't it?
27:51Well, it depends how rotten it is and how dry it is
27:53I'll get me claw hammer out and investigate
27:55It's getting a bit parky in here, isn't it?
27:57Yeah, I know
27:58I'm going to clear the crate out in the other room and light a fire
28:00Yeah
28:01Look, see if you can find those mouse holes and bung them up
28:04No, no, no, on second thoughts, I'll do that
28:06You'll probably bung up the fireplace by mistake
28:10Oh, dear
28:28Listen, are you going to marry me or not, yes or no?
28:32Yes
28:33Good, because the floor has just fallen through in your bedroom
28:36Sink!
29:06APPLAUSE
29:21HE COUGHS
29:29Oh, the Camptown Races sing this song
29:31Doo-dah, doo-dah
29:33APPLAUSE
29:36Doo-dah, doo-dah