Clarence - 103 [couchtripper][U]
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00Keep your sunny side up, up Hide the side that gets blue
00:14Life's too short to worry, you know Where a smile and trouble will go
00:23Keep your sunny side up, up Let your laughter come through, do
00:32Stand up on your legs, feel like two fried eggs Keep your sunny side up
00:43He's a funny bloke, Clarence Blind as a bat and the clumsiest man I ever met
00:49We met when he was doing removals where I worked
00:52I fell for him straight away
00:55I told him of my recent windfall, my auntie's cottage in the country
01:00The long and the short of it was we decided to move down here
01:04Well of course the place is in a right state but we'll manage
01:09He has proposed to me and I told him we would have a trial period in separate bedrooms
01:16Unfortunately, circumstances caused the trial period to be shorter than I had expected
01:32Are you going to marry me or not, yes or no?
01:34Yes
01:35Good, because the floor has just fallen through in your bedroom
01:39Good night, sweetheart All my prayers are for you
01:46Travis, I can still hear mice in here
01:48Oh, it's me, Dopey
01:50Oh, you're down there? I didn't see you down there
01:52What are you doing? Lost something?
01:54I'm making up an extra bed
01:56Oh, what for? Were you expecting visitors?
01:58It's for you
01:59What? But I thought you said we was going to get married
02:02Yeah, I know what I said and I know what you thought and all
02:05You thought we were going to share the same bed
02:07But now I've had a think and I think easy does it
02:10Let's not rush into anything too hasty
02:13Oh, all right, all right, you're the boss
02:15You do understand, don't you Clarence?
02:18Yeah, yeah, easy does it, yeah
02:20Anyhow, you're the woman, ain't you? It's always up to the woman, ain't it?
02:23Yeah, but I mean, you realise how I must have felt when we met?
02:26I mean, I was lonely
02:28Well, I've been lonely all my life, really
02:30And then suddenly I met this man
02:34He's lonely too
02:36Older than me and set in his ways, but nice
02:39Of course I'm going to be eager, that's only natural
02:42But then I said to myself, hold on
02:44Don't go leaping into marriage before you know what he's really like
02:48Well, just as well you didn't marry him, eh?
02:50Silly old buffer, because now I've come along, see?
02:54It's you I'm talking about
02:58Me?
02:59Oh, I see, oh
03:01Set in me ways, am I?
03:03Well, you are a bit
03:04Like what, for instance?
03:06Well, you always wear your cap in the house
03:09Yeah, there's a reason for that and I'll tell you for why
03:11If I put it down, I can never damn well find it, that's why
03:14Yeah, but you must take it off sometimes
03:17No, I only scratch me head
03:18Well, you don't sleep with it, do you?
03:20Yeah, yeah, not on me head, of course
03:23I tuck it in me vest
03:25Vest, oh dear, I can see there's a lot I'm going to have to teach you, me lad
03:29Oh, let's hope so
03:31Dave! Oh, you shouldn't wear your vest in bed
03:34I ain't got no night clothes
03:36Come to think of it, neither have I
03:38I haven't had time to sort them out
03:40Oh, well, it'll have to be underwear tonight and I'll get organised in the morning
03:44Yeah, we're going to turn in now then, are we?
03:46Yes, I'm absolutely exhausted
03:48Yes, oh
03:49Now, look, I'm going outside to get undressed while you get into bed
03:53And then you blow out the candle and give me a shout, alright?
03:56Yeah, please, Joyful, yeah, yeah
04:00You don't snore, do you?
04:02Well, how do I know?
04:05Do you?
04:06Oh, I don't know
04:07Well, there you are, you see
04:09I tell you what, we'll both know by the morning, won't we?
04:12Yeah, it is true
04:13When I was a kid, I used to mutter, perhaps I still do
04:16Mutter?
04:17Yeah, mutter, yeah, mutter
04:18You know, mutter, just muttering, muttering things, you know
04:21Just muttering, yeah
04:22I hope I don't keep you awake
04:24Oh, no, no, don't worry, you just get off to sleep
04:26Oh, I will, I never have no trouble going to sleep
04:28As soon as me head touches a pillow
04:30I'm afraid you haven't got a pillow
04:32Oh
04:33Well, as soon as me head touches the floorboards, then
04:58LAUGHTER
05:13SNORES
05:22LAUGHTER
05:26Oh
05:28Two of them
05:42Ready
05:45You in?
05:46Yeah
05:47Snug as a bug in a rug
05:55Night, night
05:56Night, night, sleep well
05:57And you
05:58God bless
05:59Yeah
06:17Yeah, listen, my girl
06:20I like the look of you
06:23Will you marry me?
06:28I think you're lovely
06:31Yeah
06:33I'm sure we could be happy together
06:41We could live in your little cottage in the country
06:45I could look after you
06:48SNORES
06:54I'm wasting me time here
06:57LAUGHTER
07:00ROOSTER CROWS
07:02SNORES
07:04ROOSTER CROWS
07:06SNORES
07:08ROOSTER CROWS
07:10SNORES
07:12Oh
07:18LAUGHTER
07:23Yeah
07:24Whoa, whoa, oh
07:25Hey
07:26Oh
07:27LAUGHTER
07:29Morning, sleep all right, did you?
07:31What the devil do you think you're doing in here?
07:33I don't know, I don't know
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36I got out in the middle of the night to go to the lavvy
07:39I must have just got in here without thinking
07:42Well, you'd better get back out again, then
07:44Right-o
07:45No, wait a minute
07:46LAUGHTER
07:48What have you got on?
07:49Just me shirt
07:50Well, you stay where you are
07:52But keep over that side, please
07:53Right
07:54I hope you're not going to make a habit of it
07:56Yeah, so do I
07:58No joke having an outside lavatory, you know
08:00LAUGHTER
08:03I had to get up in the dark, grope around
08:05get me clothes, get dressed
08:06and stagger right down the bottom of the garden
08:08so I don't need moaning up from you and all, do I?
08:10No
08:11No, you're right, I'm sorry
08:13It must have been very difficult for you
08:15It was
08:16I had me trousers on back the front
08:18LAUGHTER
08:20Oh, dear
08:23Hey, I hope you lifted the seat
08:25LAUGHTER
08:30I lifted the lid of the chicken round the stall, I think
08:33LAUGHTER
08:39Good job there weren't any chickens in there
08:41They'll have a peck at anything
08:43LAUGHTER
08:45LAUGHTER
08:47You can laugh, my girl
08:49LAUGHTER
08:51All right, all right, all right
08:53Listen, are you going to get out and get us a cup of tea or what?
08:55Yes
08:56No
08:57LAUGHTER
08:59I can't get out in front of you, I'm not decent
09:01Well, if you can't get out in front of me
09:03and I can't get out in front of you
09:04we're going to be here all day, aren't we?
09:06Looks like it
09:07Well, suits me
09:08Give us a cuddle, come on
09:09That's not where you are
09:10LAUGHTER
09:12Oh, I know
09:15What?
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18That's all right, I've solved it
09:19I'll bring them back when I've got the tea
09:21LAUGHTER
09:24You know, that's funny
09:25I can see better without them glasses
09:27LAUGHTER
09:35You lying devil
09:36How many fingers am I holding up?
09:38I don't know, but I can guess
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40You're rotten
09:41Yeah
09:42Had you going for a minute though, didn't it, eh?
09:49I'll say this for you, Travers
09:51You can cook, well, bacon and egg, any roast
09:53Don't know about the rest of it
09:55There's a lot of things you don't know about me
09:57You haven't sampled my fluffy dumplings
09:59Not the one trying, is it?
10:00LAUGHTER
10:03Now, don't get smutty
10:05Why do men always get smutty?
10:07Well, it's on account of women
10:09Cleaner minds than men, you see
10:11You know why? Because they change them more often
10:13LAUGHTER
10:14Dear, where do you read that? In a comic?
10:16Comic? No, I don't read comics
10:19It was titbits
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22Well, I did that all the financial times
10:24I remember it was when I was wrapping up stuff
10:26To move that big bug in the city
10:28So it was probably titbits
10:30Sorry, it's only condensed milk
10:32The milk we brought down with us has gone off
10:35But I must get down to the village today, shopping
10:37See if I can find out whether there's a milkman cause round here
10:40Ah, now, no-one would come round here, would they?
10:42It's miles from anywhere here, isn't it?
10:44I mean, not to us, because we live here, but for other people
10:47Hey, tell you what
10:48There's a nice, friendly-looking cow in the field out there
10:51I might have a go milking it
10:52Make sure it is a cow
10:54LAUGHTER
10:56You start milking a bull, you're asking for trouble
10:58LAUGHTER
11:00I know the difference, silly
11:02You keep forgetting I used to come here for my school holidays
11:05Here, I'll teach you how to milk it, if you like
11:08Oh, no, don't fancy that
11:10I shouldn't think the cow does either, really
11:12Come to think of it, does it?
11:13I mean, how would you like it?
11:14You're just standing in the field
11:15And someone walked up and started doing it to you
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19Yeah, but they're used to it
11:20Yeah
11:21Go on, let me teach you
11:23Go on, please
11:24Oh, please is it now, please?
11:27What will you give me if I do then, eh?
11:29Oh
11:30LAUGHTER
11:32A nice big pat on the back
11:34LAUGHTER
11:37That's probably what I'll get from the cow and all
11:40LAUGHTER
11:46SONG PLAYS
11:57Are you in there?
11:58Yeah
11:59You want to come in?
12:01Thank you
12:02I'm just going down to the village to see what shops there are
12:05All right, love
12:06I'll still be here when you get back
12:08LAUGHTER
12:09I hope not
12:10Are you reading the paper in there?
12:12Yeah
12:13It says, eyes are medicated, now wash your hands
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17COUGHS
12:20COUGHS
12:23COW BLEATS
12:25COW BLEATS
12:33You are a pretty boy, aren't you?
12:36Oh
12:38LAUGHTER
12:48Oh, look at that
12:50My old German trophy
12:52Cool, dear
12:53LAUGHTER
12:55I must hang that up somewhere
12:57Now then, get this picture up here
13:01Now, where's me toolbox?
13:03Talking to yourself again, Clarence, ain't you, eh?
13:06One day someone will hear you and then where will you be, eh?
13:09Talking to someone else, yes, that's right
13:11LAUGHTER
13:18Now then, where's a nice bit of wool?
13:22No
13:23LAUGHTER
13:26Oh, there's a bit
13:35LAUGHTER
13:48LAUGHTER
13:49LAUGHTER
13:54Lovely
13:58LAUGHTER
14:02Now then, sort this place out here a bit
14:13HUMMING
14:15HUMMING
14:27Cool, went dark there for a minute
14:29LAUGHTER
14:31Cool, that's a heavy piece, that is
14:35LAUGHTER
14:44Damn wasp sting, that
14:48What a place to get you
14:51Hey, might be a bee
14:53They leave their stings in, I'll have to look at...
14:56Oh, she's forgotten her key now
15:02Blimey, that was quick
15:03Hey, you're just in time
15:04I've just been stung in the back side by a bee or a wasp or something
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09You have to put it out quick, you see
15:11Stop!
15:12I think you must be mistaking me for someone else
15:14Oh, beg pardon, I thought it was the other lady
15:17Sorry, it's probably only a wasp anyhow
15:19I was just shifting some furniture in the front room and it got me
15:22Don't half hurt when they sting you there
15:24Have you ever been stung there?
15:25In the front room?
15:26No, I haven't
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29It's all right, it's going off a bit now
15:32I saw the van
15:33You, I take it, are the removals man
15:35Yeah, that's me, yeah, yeah
15:37And where is the lady of the house?
15:39Oh, she's gone up
15:41And left you here on your own?
15:42No, it's all right, I live with her
15:44I beg your pardon?
15:45Yeah, we're man and, well, we're man and woman, so to speak
15:49You're married, why didn't you say so?
15:51I didn't say so
15:52No, well, now I understand
15:55Well, I'll come straight to the point
15:57Are you willing to move from room to room?
16:00It's worth ten shillings to me
16:02Aye
16:04I have a very large chiffoniere
16:08No, I wouldn't say that
16:09LAUGHTER
16:10He can't manage it on his own
16:12It needs the strength of another man behind it
16:15Oh, well, you've come to the right bloke here
16:17I'm built like a brick outhouse, me
16:19Feel employed, won't you?
16:20No, no, I'd rather not, thank you
16:22So, I take it you're willing to come to the house
16:25And give me the benefit of your muscle?
16:27LAUGHTER
16:29If you're like that, I can hardly refuse, can I?
16:31I would like it in the dining room
16:33You can have it where you like, this is all as good as new
16:36Shall we say tomorrow morning, then?
16:38The vicarage?
16:39Oh, you look after the vicar, do you?
16:42Of course not, I'm his wife
16:45LAUGHTER
16:46Oh, look, here is the vicar
16:48Morning, vicar, talk of the devil
16:50LAUGHTER
16:51You've got your wife here, look
16:52Yeah, bit of a coinky-dinky, innit?
16:54It's me, you daft helper
16:56Oh, er, the vicar's wife has just come to visit him
16:59Oh, good morning
17:01Good morning
17:03Till tomorrow morning, then
17:06DOOR OPENS
17:08Here
17:09What did she want?
17:11She made me a proposition
17:13Oh, what sort of a proposition?
17:15I'm not sure
17:16What's the chiffoniere?
17:18Oh, it's a big thing with drawers
17:20Yes, that's what I was afraid of
17:22LAUGHTER
17:24It's, er, sort of a sideboard
17:26Oh, is it? Oh, well, that's all right, then
17:28She wants it shifted to her dining room
17:30Oh, good
17:31That's your first little job
17:33Yeah
17:34It's a good start, isn't it?
17:35When have you got to go?
17:36Er, in the morning
17:37Good
17:38I can drive you up there in the van
17:40I can drive the van
17:41I've been driving the van for 20 years
17:43I know
17:45And it's time you stopped
17:47Why?
17:48I don't think your eyesight's what it was
17:51Oh, rubbish
17:52People have been saying that to me all me life
17:54Did you put this picture up?
17:56Yeah
17:57Nice, innit?
17:58I like sunsets
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01It's back to front
18:05Here it is
18:07Oh, must have been the wind turning it over
18:09LAUGHTER
18:10Listen, I tell you, I've got just as good eyesight as the next man
18:14LAUGHTER
18:16If you say so
18:18Still, I'm going to drive, just the same
18:21Cos I want to see the vicarage
18:23If I had a talking picture of you
18:27I would run it every time I fell through
18:32I would sit there in the gloom
18:34Of my lonely little room
18:36And the thought each time you whispered
18:39I love you, love you
18:41I must see the moment you came in view
18:45We would talk the whole thing over
18:48Me too
18:50I would give ten shows a day
18:52And a midnight matinee
18:54If I had a talking picture
18:56LAUGHTER
19:02BIRDS CHIRP
19:04COW MOOS
19:09THUNDER RUMBLES
19:11WHISTLES
19:13LAUGHTER
19:15THUNDER RUMBLES
19:18LAUGHTER
19:20Is it...?
19:22COW MOOS
19:24Oh, ah
19:26Hello, hello, this way
19:28Is it...?
19:31Right, up your end, madam
19:33Careful!
19:34No, no, up your end, madam
19:36Up your end
19:38No, no, look out
19:40BELL RINGS
19:42Oh, Chris!
19:44I did say up your end, madam
19:46It should have been up yours
19:48LAUGHTER
19:50No, up yours
19:52Up yours, madam, up yours
19:54It shouldn't be up mine, should it?
19:56He's got a dustpan in front of him
19:58It's time you should be sleeping
20:00Little man, you've had a busy day
20:02Come on, eat up
20:04Don't you like shepherd's pie?
20:06Yes, it's very nice
20:08Well, eat it up, then, and stop moping
20:10The day turned out very well, really
20:12Oh, yeah
20:14I got paid ten bob for doing the job
20:16Handed out seven and sixpence for glass
20:18Two bob for putty and tuppence for nails
20:20Finished up with fourpence
20:22Good day's worked out, fourpence, innit?
20:24Yeah, well, I'm not talking about that
20:26No, what I'm talking about is the fact
20:28that she offered me the job as domestic
20:30I think it was on account of how quickly
20:32I tidied up the mess you...
20:34was made
20:36That's why I got the job
20:38Yeah, on one condition, though, wasn't it, eh?
20:40I was never to show me face there again
20:42She'll come round later on
20:44Not round here, she won't, fat old fag
20:46LAUGHTER
20:48No, I mean, she'll relent when I tell her
20:50how nice you are, really
20:52Am I?
20:54You're lovely
20:56Well, when are we gonna get married
20:58and live as man and wife then, eh?
21:00Is marriage so important to you?
21:02Well, not marriage exactly, no
21:04It's the other bit
21:06The other bit?
21:08Yeah, bit of the other
21:10LAUGHTER
21:12Now, I told you, there's to be none of that
21:14until after we've tied the knot
21:16Yeah, that seemed to be the only answer
21:18LAUGHTER
21:20But I'm warning you
21:22I can't wait forever
21:24Well, you talk as if you'd never, like, well,
21:26been with a woman
21:28Well, I haven't
21:30Eh?
21:32Not for months
21:34LAUGHTER
21:36Last August bank holiday it was
21:38Danny Embankment
21:40She was a big girl
21:42I don't want to know the sordid details, thank you very much
21:44She had an embankment of her own, she did
21:46LAUGHTER
21:48Do you want any more of this? There's plenty of it
21:50She said that, funnily enough
21:52LAUGHTER
21:54You're incorrigible, you are
21:56Yeah, I am, ain't I?
21:58What's that mean?
22:00That means that you shouldn't be encouraged
22:02Oh! Ow!
22:04What's the matter?
22:06Oh, it's that damn wasp
22:08When I was moving furniture, I sat on a wasp in there
22:10It's probably still squashed to the chair
22:12Oh dear, can't have that
22:14LAUGHTER
22:17That was underneath the chair
22:19And the chair had no seat in it
22:21Oh dear
22:23Serves me right
22:25I should have hung that up
22:27When I said I was going to, shouldn't I?
22:29That's my old German trophy, that is
22:31One of the spoils of war, that
22:33Got it under Somme
22:35Dear
22:37Did you actually take that off a dead German?
22:39No, I pinched it from under a tart's bed
22:41In the village
22:43LAUGHTER
22:45I put that under there for emergencies, you know what I mean?
22:47And it's up the other way, stuck in the floorboards
22:49LAUGHTER
22:51LAUGHTER
22:53What?
22:55Pardon?
22:57I was going to say, quite a colourful life you've led, haven't you really?
22:59One way and another
23:01Yes, well, yeah
23:03I lived with a woman once
23:05That was in my drinking period, you know
23:07Bit of a rough passage with her, I had
23:09Was always having flaming rows
23:11I used to come home drunk, two o'clock in the morning, you know
23:13Used to stagger all round the bedroom
23:15Trying to get undressed, used to wake her up, see
23:17Well, it would
23:19I mean, you're bad enough sober
23:21Yeah, so this drinking pal of mine, Harry
23:23He said to me, why don't you take all your clothes off
23:25Before you go up the stairs
23:27And your boots, you see
23:29And then all you've got to do when you get there
23:31Is just put them down, creep into bed, you see
23:33So one night, I was saying goodnight to Harry
23:35And we was both pie-eyed
23:37Absolutely rat-faced we was
23:39And I thought I'd try it
23:41And I thought I'd try it, see
23:43So I took all me clothes off
23:45Laid them over me arm, carefully picked up me boots
23:47And I tip-toed all the way up the stairs
23:49When I got to the top
23:51I found it was Baker Street Station
24:01Well, I sincerely hope you won't get up to that sort of thing here
24:03I can't go, it's a bungalow, innit
24:07Besides, the trains don't run through here
24:11Oh dear
24:25Oh dear, and half-cold down that lavvy tonight
24:27Freeze the brass buttons off a flunky, it would
24:31You better be careful, you'll get frozen to a seat, you will
24:35Yeah, I know, it is cold
24:37And now listen to me
24:39And that reason only
24:41We're going to sleep in the same bed
24:43But, before you get too interested
24:45I'll put the bolster down the middle
24:47Oh, it's going to be three of us in there, is there
24:51And look, also
24:53I must insist that you wear something in bed
24:55Now, I've got two nighties
24:57Both floor-length and very voluminous
24:59Voluminous?
25:01Yes, you can wear one
25:03And I'll wear the other
25:05Volume one and volume two, is it?
25:09Well, then I can't wear it, is there
25:13I mean, I sure look ridiculous in this
25:15Well, who's going to see you
25:17Well, you are, for a start
25:19Look, it's either that or you're back on the floor again
25:21Go on, go outside and put it on
25:23While I change
25:25The things I do for Kitchener
25:39Oh
26:01It's ridiculous, isn't it, look at it
26:03I can't wear this, anyhow
26:05It's all too tight
26:07I'd never get a wink of sleep in this
26:09No, you're right
26:11Neither would I, for laughing
26:15I knew you'd laugh at me
26:17All right, then, go and put your shirt on
26:19But now, listen
26:21Just remember to behave
26:23Yes, all right
26:25Go on
26:37Oh
26:47Oh, there you are, then
26:49Go on, into bed
26:51I'll take the lamps out
26:53Oh, it's been a hard day
26:57Do you know, I was meaning to say
26:59You put that glass back in that window
27:01Very nicely
27:03You're very good at close work, aren't you
27:05If you do this enough, I'll show you how good
27:07Yes, now, that's enough
27:09I mean, do you realise there's nothing but your shirt
27:11Between me and dishonour
27:13Oh
27:15I must remember to wash it in cold water
27:17Don't want it shrinking
27:25Makes two of us, that day
27:35Oh
28:05Oh
28:35Oh
28:37Oh
28:43Oh