Darby finds herself in trouble with the law, and is sentenced to house arrest. Now she must serve 30 days in the home she used to share with her ex-boyfriend, that he now shares with his new fiancee HD ( Comedy )
Darby finds herself in trouble with the law, and is sentenced to house arrest. Now she must serve 30 days in the home she used to share with her ex-boyfriend, that he now shares with his new fiancee HD ( Comedy )
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00What the?
00:00:05Hmm. Yeah, we're going to need to go ahead and sterilize this.
00:00:10Whistling
00:00:16Just a simple chest infection. She'll be fine with some rest.
00:00:20Well, that's a relief. Looks like the Bible retreat is back on, Taylor.
00:00:24You know how I love Jesus.
00:00:26A retreat, huh? Well, that'll be nice for you.
00:00:29A little time alone to yourself in the house.
00:00:31Robin?
00:00:34Oh, yes.
00:00:37Her symptoms seem consistent with vasculitis.
00:00:40Excessive tiredness rash under the skin.
00:00:42I said she's going to be fine.
00:00:44She's just a teenager. They stay up late, get a little acne, that's all.
00:00:47Um, no. I have a very strict skin care regimen that does not include breakouts.
00:00:52See, that's funny because I happen to see the beginnings of a giant pimple right there.
00:00:56What?
00:00:59Darby, can I speak with you in the hallway for just a moment, please?
00:01:06How dare you interpret my diagnosis in front of a patient?
00:01:09Shouldn't we at least give her anti-inflammatories?
00:01:12Who do you think you are?
00:01:14So she doesn't get pneumonia.
00:01:16You just follow my orders, and her stick's in her. You find yourself another job.
00:01:21Hi. Sorry about that.
00:01:23No worries.
00:01:24Small miscommunication.
00:01:26Yeah. All right. So everything's fine.
00:01:28Everything is great.
00:01:30I love to do follow-ups. It's my personal tradition.
00:01:32I love it.
00:01:33Yeah.
00:01:52Diagnosing on our own again?
00:01:54No.
00:01:56Well, if Ivy Lee has had this wrong diagnosis, then yes.
00:02:01You know, there are procedures to follow in disagreeing with a doctor's orders.
00:02:04Yeah. Well, again, I don't follow procedures when they're wrong.
00:02:08Oh, I'm aware. But your patient has already left with her mother.
00:02:11What?
00:02:12Yeah. So put the pills back before you get caught.
00:02:15Oh.
00:02:17You know what?
00:02:18What?
00:02:19You are such a good friend.
00:02:21Uh-huh.
00:02:22Which is why you're going to get me the address for that patient.
00:02:25Oh, no.
00:02:26Yeah?
00:02:27You owe me.
00:02:28For what?
00:02:29Prostitute at the memorial service.
00:02:32Oh.
00:02:33I'm going to pee.
00:02:34Yeah.
00:02:35And then I'll be back for that address.
00:02:36Love you. Bye.
00:02:37On it.
00:02:38Fuck!
00:03:08Jesus, I'm stuck.
00:03:12Don't get me out.
00:03:14Don't get me out of here.
00:03:16Don't get me out of here.
00:03:20Don't get me out of here.
00:03:24Don't get me out of here.
00:03:28We're never watching it.
00:03:32Jesus was a fucking feminist, man.
00:03:35What?
00:03:52Ma'am, can you get out the car, please?
00:03:57Are you God?
00:03:58No, I'm not God. I'm a man.
00:04:01You got to get me out of here.
00:04:05No, please don't try to climb.
00:04:07Nope. Just come out.
00:04:08No, down, down, down, down, down.
00:04:10Down there.
00:04:11No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:04:12I don't do that with a stranger.
00:04:13No, no, no, no.
00:04:14Okay, there we go.
00:04:15Okay, I've never done that before to anybody.
00:04:17Just out the door.
00:04:18Yep, there you go.
00:04:20There we go.
00:04:21We are outside now.
00:04:25Have you been smoking marijuana?
00:04:26Yeah, man.
00:04:28I mean, no, officer.
00:04:31Buzzkill?
00:04:32It's Biskill.
00:04:33Biskill.
00:04:34Biskill.
00:04:35Biskill.
00:04:36Okay, look, my mom was a nurse,
00:04:38so I understand how long I was in stress.
00:04:40You know what I would love right now?
00:04:42A fucking fishwich, man.
00:04:44Yeah, I know doctors can be assholes,
00:04:46you know, working you all down to the bone.
00:04:48So I'm going to go ahead and let you off on a warning,
00:04:50all right?
00:04:51Really?
00:04:52Yeah, go ahead. Get out of here.
00:04:53Oh, my God.
00:04:54Yeah.
00:04:55Man, it was so awesome.
00:04:58Man, awesome.
00:05:01Hey.
00:05:02Hey.
00:05:03My car won't start.
00:05:04You think you could give it a little jump?
00:05:06Well, I can't.
00:05:08I don't know if I can.
00:05:09Go ahead and grab your bag and you can...
00:05:13What are those?
00:05:14Vitamins.
00:05:21Yeah, I'm going to have to take you to jail.
00:05:25This judge does not take any malarkey.
00:05:27So leave all the talking to me.
00:05:29Got it?
00:05:30If you have anything to say, say it.
00:05:32Now.
00:05:33Your tits are falling out.
00:05:34Oh, you made it.
00:05:35And yes, they are.
00:05:37Great. No, come forward.
00:05:38Yeah, it's like a dinner reservation.
00:05:40Yeah, if you show up a little bit late,
00:05:42we'll still see you.
00:05:43Sit down.
00:05:44Okay, so I'd like to welcome all four of you here.
00:05:48Are you lactating right now?
00:05:50Because I can see most of that nipple.
00:05:53That's inappropriate.
00:05:54It's harassing me.
00:05:56So let's get started, shall we?
00:05:58You're a pothead and a pill thief.
00:06:00You're my third today.
00:06:02So...
00:06:06Thanks, guys.
00:06:09What was that?
00:06:10Did you want to say something?
00:06:13Actually...
00:06:14No, Your Honor,
00:06:15my client has been under a lot of strain lately.
00:06:19Uh-huh.
00:06:20With her job.
00:06:21Saving lives.
00:06:22Yeah.
00:06:23Just like Oprah.
00:06:24Why won't you...
00:06:25Enough, please!
00:06:26Oh, my...
00:06:27Ugh.
00:06:28Ugh!
00:06:29Ugh!
00:06:30The last case I had in here,
00:06:31I sent to county for six months.
00:06:32Is that what you want?
00:06:33No, sir.
00:06:34Sir, Your Honor,
00:06:35due to the extenuating circumstances...
00:06:37The what?
00:06:38Extenuating.
00:06:39The extenuating circumstances?
00:06:40Yes.
00:06:41Do you have some drinks in you?
00:06:43Are you drunk?
00:06:44I had a lisp when I was a child.
00:06:46Put it all together and say it normally.
00:06:48Due to the extenuating circumstances...
00:06:50Stop!
00:06:51Life is an extenuating circumstance,
00:06:53but the real facts of this case are
00:06:55she stole prescription drugs
00:06:57and broke the law.
00:06:58That makes sense, Your Honor.
00:06:59Now, if I wanted to, young lady,
00:07:01I could screw you.
00:07:02I could screw you so good right now
00:07:04your head would spin around.
00:07:06You would love it.
00:07:07Like that girl in that movie
00:07:10where she's possessed by Satan
00:07:12and spinning around
00:07:13and Max von Sydow's going like,
00:07:14The power of Christ compels you!
00:07:16The power of Christ compels you!
00:07:18The power of Christ compels you!
00:07:20The longest yard?
00:07:23The exorcist.
00:07:24Thank you.
00:07:25The exorcist.
00:07:26Okay.
00:07:27The exorcist. Thank you.
00:07:28It's a very scary movie.
00:07:29A lot of scary stuff in that.
00:07:32Uh, sir.
00:07:33Shh.
00:07:35What was I talking about?
00:07:36About how you were gonna screw me.
00:07:38Your Honor, if I may...
00:07:39You may not.
00:07:40Okay.
00:07:41This is your lucky day, Miss Dixon.
00:07:43I'm gonna give you an opportunity
00:07:45to reflect on what you've done.
00:07:47Well, I best contemplate when stones...
00:07:49Nonetheless, what you do with this gift
00:07:51is up to you.
00:07:52What's the gift?
00:07:53I'm not gonna put you in jail.
00:07:55Hmm.
00:07:56Your lawyer and her team have won today.
00:08:00I'm gonna put you under house arrest.
00:08:02You just sat there and let him sentence me.
00:08:05No, Darby, this is great news.
00:08:06How?
00:08:07Because house arrest means
00:08:08you're not locked in a jail cell.
00:08:09You don't understand.
00:08:10This is the best possible outcome.
00:08:12I don't have a home.
00:08:13Oh.
00:08:15A mobile home counts.
00:08:16I live in my car.
00:08:19Do you want the long version
00:08:20or the short version?
00:08:22Um, you know that I love you,
00:08:24but at this moment,
00:08:26I, um, love Ricky more.
00:08:29Wait.
00:08:30Are you kicking me out?
00:08:31Yeah.
00:08:32Sweet mama!
00:08:35Can I just get some money for, like, a hotel?
00:08:37Money?
00:08:38No, it's okay.
00:08:39You really want money?
00:08:40It's okay.
00:08:41Just go.
00:08:42Just please go.
00:08:44Darby, you left your oregano.
00:08:46Oh, Darby, get out!
00:08:48Get out of here!
00:08:49Sorry!
00:08:50You have a drug problem,
00:08:52and you have got to leave my house.
00:08:56So maybe you can be out by the morning?
00:08:58Okay.
00:09:06Is there nowhere you can go?
00:09:08I can stay with you.
00:09:10Oh, yeah, that's not...
00:09:13Whatever.
00:09:14Vixen!
00:09:15Yes?
00:09:16Come with me.
00:09:19Okay.
00:09:35Is it the mustache?
00:09:37I was trying to grow it in for November, but...
00:09:40Yeah, I see you've already got a head start.
00:09:44Current address?
00:09:45Listen, I'm gonna save you paperwork, okay?
00:09:484556 Sarah Street.
00:09:50Is that where you're serving your sentence?
00:09:54Yes.
00:09:56That is where I'm serving my sentence.
00:09:58Take me to there.
00:10:00Please.
00:10:05This is your monitor.
00:10:08You are not to remove it ever.
00:10:10I wanted to shake my ankles first.
00:10:12Removal of said monitor is in violation of your sentence
00:10:15and will result in immediate incarceration.
00:10:18Is the power up on a requirement for your job,
00:10:21like lesbianism, or...
00:10:22Leaving the property is in violation
00:10:24except to attend school, a vocational program,
00:10:27or going to and from work.
00:10:30No?
00:10:31No, and definitely no.
00:10:34Any other reason is in violation
00:10:36and will result in immediate incarceration.
00:10:39So no Starbucks around then?
00:10:42Ma'am.
00:10:44House arrest is a serious punishment.
00:10:47Netflix and chilling on a couch for a month
00:10:49is very cruel and unusual.
00:10:52This will explain the particulars of your stay.
00:10:55Hmm.
00:10:57Bone right up on that, sir.
00:10:59Ma'am.
00:11:00Gender neutral non-binary.
00:11:02I'm a feminist.
00:11:12All right.
00:11:15Don't get too comfortable.
00:11:17I'll be checking up on you, uh, periodically.
00:11:20I knew you had a thing for me.
00:11:22I can tell we have a connection.
00:11:249X17, 9X17, come in.
00:11:26Your sentence begins...
00:11:30now.
00:11:32I'm sorry.
00:11:33I'm sorry.
00:11:34I'm sorry.
00:11:35I'm sorry.
00:11:36I'm sorry.
00:11:37I'm sorry.
00:11:38I'm sorry.
00:11:39Your sentence...
00:11:43now.
00:11:55Jenkins!
00:11:56What's the gossip?
00:11:58Besides me.
00:12:10Ugh!
00:12:11Hey!
00:12:12God damn it!
00:12:13You scared the crap out of me!
00:12:14What do you want?
00:12:15You don't live there.
00:12:16I do now.
00:12:18Hey, are you still selling Girl Scout cookies?
00:12:20Not to you.
00:12:21Blah!
00:12:22Blah!
00:12:23That's what you are.
00:12:24Blah!
00:12:25Blah!
00:12:26Blah!
00:12:28She's so cute.
00:12:34I'm sorry.
00:12:35I'm sorry.
00:12:36I'm sorry.
00:12:37I'm sorry.
00:12:38I'm sorry.
00:12:46What is all this crap?
00:12:52Hey!
00:12:54You knew I left you somewhere.
00:13:06That's art.
00:13:09Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
00:13:12And we're done.
00:13:17Come to mama.
00:13:18Yes.
00:13:19Yes!
00:13:22Oh.
00:13:38Oh.
00:14:03Can you pick it, Darby?
00:14:05Yeah, I can pick it.
00:14:08Oh, I want it, Darby.
00:14:29Play siege to the wrong castle.
00:14:38Yes!
00:14:39Yes!
00:14:40Oh!
00:14:41Darby?
00:14:42Oh, my God.
00:14:43You shaved.
00:14:44Darby.
00:14:45Like, a lot.
00:14:46I forgot your back while you were at it.
00:14:47What are you doing here?
00:14:48You scared me half to death.
00:14:49Do you want the long version or the short version?
00:14:50Is this like one of those home invasion booty calls?
00:14:51Wait, when did that become a thing?
00:14:52Like, I'm flattered.
00:14:53And I get it, you know, considering our history.
00:14:54But I can't.
00:14:55Oh, sorry.
00:14:56I'm sorry.
00:14:57I'm sorry.
00:14:58I'm sorry.
00:14:59I'm sorry.
00:15:00I'm sorry.
00:15:01I'm sorry.
00:15:02I'm sorry.
00:15:03I'm sorry.
00:15:04I'm sorry.
00:15:05I'm sorry.
00:15:06Please go back and embody our history, but I can't.
00:15:07Oh, stop it.
00:15:08Get over yourself.
00:15:09Turn around.
00:15:10Go on.
00:15:11Turn around.
00:15:12Seriously, what are you doing here?
00:15:13Well, remember that time after we broke up?
00:15:16And you said that if there was ever anything
00:15:18that you could do for me?
00:15:20Wait.
00:15:21Wait.
00:15:22I did not mean to move back in.
00:15:23Relax.
00:15:24It's only for 30 days.
00:15:2530 days?!
00:15:26Oh, come on, Mo.
00:15:27It'll fly by just like that.
00:15:30Okay, no.
00:15:31You need money.
00:15:32I get it.
00:15:33That's fine.
00:15:34That's fine.
00:15:35stay here. What, got a girl coming over later? What, living here? Engaged. What? No! We haven't
00:15:47broken up like what, two months? Eight, yeah. Well time flies with a broken heart. No, no,
00:15:53don't do that. You broke up with me. And this is exactly why. You always make it all about
00:15:58you. I'm serious. You have to leave. Well, I would if I could. But I can't, so I shan't.
00:16:06Please tell me that is not some sort of... Oh, it's official. So I'm out of court. There's
00:16:11a stamp and everything, so you know it's legit. Oh my god. This is so bad. This is so, so
00:16:18bad. When Chloe finds out... Chloe finds out what? Nice to meet you. I'll be in my room.
00:16:33Good luck! Crashing with your ex? That's crazy. You should have just given your address. A
00:16:42little crazy is good, no? This little snit isn't because Mo's wife fitted B is so hot.
00:16:48Oh, please. She's nothing more than a rebound. I don't know. Saw her Facebook. Tall, blonde,
00:16:54reeking of home anchor. I know, and that's what I don't understand. Mo used to hate that
00:16:59kind of shit. Well, I'm sure Mo said a lot of things while you were unzipping his fly.
00:17:04Harris, patient in 103 needs his manual rectum disimpaction. Got it. Is that Darby you're
00:17:11talking to? Uh, no. No. Keep puppy at home. She misses me when I'm gone. A furry? You had to turn me into a furry?
00:17:24It's just such a betrayal. Okay, so we're back on you. Shh, I gotta go. I think they're talking about me.
00:17:31You know, it's Darby. She always finds some loophole to get her way. Not this time. Call the courthouse.
00:17:36Call the courthouse. Pick up the phone, Mohamed. No. Tell them she entered her property without permission.
00:17:43That's trespassing. I guess he made me wear a strap-on on this family.
00:17:48I know, honey, but it's after hours. They're closed for the weekend.
00:17:54The first thing Monday morning. One day is a holiday.
00:17:58You hate my life. It's just a few days. We'll get through it. I promise.
00:18:03You don't still have feelings? No, God. No, I don't know if I'm thinking anything. You really leave me for that. I love you. We're engaged. Gross. Come here. Come here. Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. I love you. Okay, fine. Right there. Right there. Oh, yeah, right there. Don't move.
00:18:25Oh, that's new. Where'd you learn that? Did you do this with her?
00:18:33I hate this.
00:19:04You little shit. I'm gonna kill you. Must be that neighbor girl again. No, I talked to her already.
00:19:16You little shit. I swear to God. Oh, my God.
00:19:21Ah! Do you have a hose? So, who is it? Neighbor girl. I need a hose. No!
00:19:33Hello, Cecil. It's been a long time.
00:19:37I'm a dentist. I always wondered when you would find me. You know what I said.
00:19:45Oh, let me guess. Billy McBride is on. If we're gonna make this work, you staying here, we need to set down some ground rules. Okay. Relax, Bob Saget. Who's Bob Saget? What? When Mo was growing up, Full House was like his circle of friends.
00:20:15We're a good family. Get the fuck out. What? Manager. They made you manager. Best in Southern California. When have you ever wanted to manage anything? Can I show you something?
00:20:45You think I did those? Obviously. Believe what you want.
00:20:58Love you. That's what happens when you take the ice cream and get lots of frost.
00:21:29Sorry, girl. Sorry.
00:21:53Darby Dixon?
00:21:56Dude, there's a slice missing.
00:22:05Contents may have shifted during delivery. Yeah, right under your face.
00:22:11Full disclosure. Yeah? I ate that slice. Really? Yes.
00:22:18I mean, I can get you another pie, but there's a whole floor, and it's on my crotch. Rock it out at the curb. It's fine. You're saving me from eating all of my feelings.
00:22:32Idiot.
00:22:3396% of Yellowstone National Park is located in the state of Wyoming, but 3% extends into Idaho and 1% extends into Montana. In March of 1872, Yellowstone was established by President Ulysses...
00:23:04Just follow my orders. Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are, Darby Dixon?
00:23:20Nap on your own time. I gotta vacuum.
00:23:23Good. There's crumbs around everywhere.
00:23:26Eat my twat. I ate already.
00:23:30Come here!
00:23:34I thought you never worked weekends.
00:23:36Well, the big C called me and said something about a messy house guest.
00:23:40I'm surprised she used the word guest.
00:23:42Bitch forgot to pay me.
00:23:44Oh, I'm sorry. That was me.
00:23:46You thieving skank!
00:23:48Well, I'm a little preoccupied right now.
00:23:50Don't worry. I'll get you back.
00:23:52No worries.
00:23:54I got you. I know how to get more.
00:23:58This is Mo.
00:24:00Mr. Mo?
00:24:03You no pay money.
00:24:05You no pay money, Mr. Mo.
00:24:07No, Chloe handles the money.
00:24:09I no work for free.
00:24:11You Americans. You so entitled.
00:24:13You think you can exploit poor immigrant worker.
00:24:17You no fucking with me.
00:24:19No, no, no. I'll come back right now.
00:24:21I'm gonna come back right now and I'll pay you a bonus.
00:24:23Okie dokie, Mr. Mo.
00:24:25But don't keep me waiting.
00:24:27I hate that.
00:24:30He's so scared shitless.
00:24:32I can't believe you still do that.
00:24:34It works.
00:24:36I mean, I change the accent every time.
00:24:38He doesn't know.
00:24:40When Chloe asked me to clean her Oriental,
00:24:42Mo paid half my mortgage.
00:24:44Wow.
00:24:46So clueless.
00:24:49Oh, oh, oh.
00:24:51Oh, oh, oh.
00:24:53Oh, oh, oh.
00:25:05Nothing is as good
00:25:07as the skinny feels.
00:25:10Oh, oh.
00:25:18Come on. Let's go.
00:25:24Ow.
00:25:26Have you been to sleep, Daddy?
00:25:28Yes, but I'm awake now.
00:25:32Until you've had children,
00:25:34you've never really lived.
00:25:36Yeah, but you've never really lived
00:25:38really lived.
00:25:40I loved you the first moment
00:25:42I set eyes on you.
00:25:44You did?
00:25:46Don't you believe me?
00:25:48Yes, that's the awful part.
00:25:50I do believe everything you told me
00:25:52about our marriage, our honeymoon, everything.
00:25:58Ah.
00:26:08I think
00:26:10about how I feel this way.
00:26:12I think about him
00:26:14almost every day.
00:26:16I try to change the way I feel about you.
00:26:18But when I try,
00:26:20I see that I'm not being true.
00:26:24Because I let him get to me,
00:26:26but he don't let me get to him.
00:26:28I let him get to me,
00:26:30but he don't let me get to him.
00:26:32I let him get to me,
00:26:34but he don't let me get to him.
00:26:36What are we doing today?
00:26:38What are you doing? No.
00:26:40Look, you don't do that.
00:26:42I'm hungry.
00:26:44Just take the whole cereal.
00:26:46Bacon?
00:26:48Stop. Stop.
00:26:50Help yourself.
00:26:52This is not a B&B, okay?
00:26:56Someone's touchy.
00:27:00Mmm.
00:27:02Tomorrow, you call the courthouse and end this.
00:27:04We're somewhere. We're...
00:27:06Oh, my God.
00:27:08Little Ganja.
00:27:10I'm so sorry.
00:27:12Hasn't been tended to enough.
00:27:14Oh! You scared the devil
00:27:16out of me. I doubt that.
00:27:18Word on the street is
00:27:20you're leaving us tomorrow.
00:27:22I am, apparently.
00:27:24Wait, how do you even... It'll be a shame to see you leave.
00:27:26Really?
00:27:28You didn't feel that way when I left here earlier.
00:27:30You stopping by has been one of the best
00:27:32things to happen here in months.
00:27:34I mean, it has been so boring.
00:27:36Ugh! I want to slit my wrist.
00:27:38Don't slit your wrist. It's way too messy.
00:27:40Plop it.
00:27:42Mom, come on. I'm gonna be
00:27:44late for school.
00:27:46Please.
00:27:48Please, please, please. You have got to stay.
00:27:50They close their blinds when they're having
00:27:52sex, leaving me with nothing.
00:27:54Waste of a perfectly good telescope.
00:27:56Oh, my God.
00:27:58Miss Jenkins, I think you need to go.
00:28:00Your liquor cabinet's calling.
00:28:02I freeze mine.
00:28:06You know what?
00:28:08You lived here a lot longer than that
00:28:10stick-figure buzzkill. That should count
00:28:12for something. Get in the car.
00:28:14Get in the car!
00:28:16Are you sober enough to drive?
00:28:18That's what cruise control is for.
00:28:20I knew something wasn't right
00:28:22about this. Such a
00:28:24tasteful hug. Thank you.
00:28:26So, what's gonna happen to her?
00:28:28Spend some time in lockup?
00:28:30Where she belongs? I'm not too sure about that.
00:28:34Mom, I know what you're doing.
00:28:36Stop it.
00:28:40Impeccable timing.
00:28:42Mm-hmm.
00:28:44I'm Darby's lawyer, Sunny Shazzy.
00:28:46This is a stay from the courts regarding
00:28:48my client's removal from this premises
00:28:50until it has been determined
00:28:52who is the actual owner.
00:28:54Wait. Hold on. It turns out the house
00:28:56is actually mine. My client can provide
00:28:58two years' worth of mortgage
00:29:00payments while she was living here.
00:29:02In theory. Listen. Is this true?
00:29:04No. I didn't have a checking
00:29:06account, so she was making
00:29:08the payments, but it was my money.
00:29:10She's been broke as long as I've
00:29:12known her.
00:29:14All right, I'm heading out. No, please.
00:29:16Don't leave her. Unless she violates the rules,
00:29:18there's really nothing I can do here.
00:29:20I'll walk you out. Yeah.
00:29:22Thank you, Sunny.
00:29:24I'll walk her out. Let me get that for you.
00:29:26She's getting that for me.
00:29:32Don't give it a stressful day.
00:29:34I'm gonna go
00:29:36take a bath.
00:29:38No!
00:29:40No!
00:29:42Sorry, I'm so much better than you.
00:29:44Oh, my God! No!
00:29:46No, no, no!
00:29:48Now you're in my way!
00:29:50My God, when did you get so good?
00:29:52I've always been this good.
00:29:54I just didn't want Raymond to know.
00:29:58Speaking of
00:30:00boyfriends,
00:30:02do you think I made a
00:30:04mistake leaving Mo? Oh, God.
00:30:06Is this like that Stockholm Syndrome
00:30:08thing where you fall in love with your captor?
00:30:10No. I mean,
00:30:12my life has fallen apart
00:30:14since I left Mo.
00:30:16And he's getting better looking.
00:30:18Ew! No, he's not
00:30:20getting better looking. I promise you he's not
00:30:22getting better looking. Girl, you're just man-deprived.
00:30:24No! Harris, seriously.
00:30:26Like,
00:30:28Mo says that everything happens for
00:30:30a reason, right? So, there must be
00:30:32a reason that I'm here.
00:30:34Honey, of course there is a reason.
00:30:36It's called crime.
00:30:42Listen, Darth, no offense,
00:30:44but do you really think you can compete with Chloe?
00:30:46She's like
00:30:48a walking trophy.
00:30:50And I'm not. No, no, no. Look.
00:30:54If you really think you made a mistake,
00:30:56then you gotta take
00:30:58drastic measures to get Chloe out of
00:31:00the picture.
00:31:02You mean like kill her? No!
00:31:04Sex appeal.
00:31:06Darth, you gotta use your womanly
00:31:08assets. Like, maybe eat less
00:31:10Cheetos, take a shower, smoke
00:31:12a little less weed.
00:31:18I'll take a shower.
00:31:48Well, hello,
00:31:50old friend.
00:31:52Hey, Mo. Hey.
00:31:54Hey, you've got a little schmutz.
00:31:56Where? On your butt. Here, let me just get it.
00:31:58I can get it. No, it's okay.
00:32:00It's really deep and dirty.
00:32:02I just put these on. It's so weird.
00:32:04It's really in there. I know.
00:32:06Alright, that's good.
00:32:08Hey.
00:32:10You look nice.
00:32:12I'm gonna go for my run,
00:32:14so I'll see you shortly.
00:32:16Who would...
00:32:20Well played.
00:32:46It's
00:32:48a scam!
00:32:50Shit! Shit! I'm kidding!
00:32:52I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
00:32:54I'm kidding!
00:32:56Kidding!
00:32:58Thank God.
00:33:02What? You've never seen
00:33:04anybody assume the position before?
00:33:06No. Well,
00:33:08you look like a little troublemaker.
00:33:10Give us some time.
00:33:16So,
00:33:18I didn't know if you wanted
00:33:20dainty or hardcore,
00:33:22so I got you both.
00:33:24Wow, the purple butterfly.
00:33:26Yeah. I don't know how that works,
00:33:28but I think you wear it.
00:33:30Oh, yeah, you strap it, and then it goes like this.
00:33:32Oh. Ooh.
00:33:34Have a good time masturbating.
00:33:36Protect your head.
00:33:38Take care of your clit.
00:33:40Oh.
00:33:42Oh, yeah!
00:33:44I swear, she wasn't this loud.
00:33:46I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you.
00:33:48Yeah.
00:33:50Let's get this party started.
00:33:52Oh, no.
00:33:54What?
00:33:56Our engagement party.
00:33:58Oh, my God. With everything going on,
00:34:00I completely forgot.
00:34:02Everyone we know is coming over.
00:34:04Oh, my God.
00:34:06Oh, my God.
00:34:08Oh, my God.
00:34:10What?
00:34:12Everyone we know is coming over.
00:34:14How are we gonna explain to Harvey?
00:34:16Fly, butterfly, fly.
00:34:18This is not good for my insomnia.
00:34:20Oh, my God.
00:34:22Sweetie, I thought we were gonna take it easy
00:34:24with the sleeping pills.
00:34:26Oh, my God.
00:34:28Blower out your ash, Mo.
00:34:30Fuck, yes!
00:34:32Really?
00:34:34Here?
00:34:36You're banishing me to the garage?
00:34:38Well, Mo and I think a little distance
00:34:40will do us all some good.
00:34:42Plus, you'll have a little space
00:34:44to do whatever it is you do.
00:34:46And where am I sleeping?
00:34:48Chloe!
00:34:50What?
00:34:52I'm sure it's just wine, Darby.
00:34:54Yeah, that's covered in shit.
00:34:56A resourceful girl like you,
00:34:58you'll figure it out, huh?
00:35:00Mo's moved on, Darby.
00:35:02I suggest you do the same.
00:35:09Whoa!
00:35:11What happened? Are you all right?
00:35:13Chloe's trying to kill me.
00:35:15What?
00:35:17Just help me.
00:35:19Help? Okay.
00:35:21Just help me.
00:35:23All right, okay.
00:35:25Get it off me.
00:35:27Okay, all right.
00:35:35Out of sight, out of mind
00:35:37It only works if you put a lock on the garage door.
00:35:39I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
00:35:41I'm telling you, sis.
00:35:43It's not this Darby chick you need to worry about.
00:35:45It's Mo.
00:35:47You don't know him like I do.
00:35:49All men love returning the past conquest.
00:35:51It strokes their ego about how memorable their dick is.
00:35:53Mo is not like that.
00:35:55He's simple, loyal, and true.
00:35:57Oh.
00:35:59You're forgetting how you two met.
00:36:03My God, the armor.
00:36:05Oh, you still have that?
00:36:07Yeah, of course I do.
00:36:09Why wouldn't I? I love that thing.
00:36:11Thank God.
00:36:15Do you remember that one time
00:36:17when we went to the Renaissance Fair
00:36:19and we had that really big breasted beer maiden
00:36:21that wouldn't leave us alone?
00:36:23Yeah.
00:36:25It was like a highlight for me.
00:36:27Not even just of our relationship,
00:36:29but of, like, my life.
00:36:31I wish I still had those pictures.
00:36:33You don't?
00:36:35Yeah, I know.
00:36:37Here, sit down.
00:36:39What?
00:36:41Oh, okay.
00:36:43Oh, my God.
00:36:45Mo.
00:36:47I can't believe you still have this.
00:36:49This is worse than a sex tape.
00:36:51What? I thought you liked the Ren Fair.
00:36:53Yeah, I did, but it wasn't exactly
00:36:55what I was talking about when I said we should role play.
00:36:59Speaking of, are you still doing
00:37:01that King Arthur shit?
00:37:03Yeah, you should try it. It's kind of fun.
00:37:05It's kind of hot, getting banged by a knight.
00:37:07It is hot,
00:37:09but armor's pretty sharp,
00:37:11so you got to watch the nipples.
00:37:13So, Lady of the Manor, where's Sir Muhammad
00:37:15of Fidelity now?
00:37:17Oh, he's off work today,
00:37:19so he's rescuing a maiden from the dungeon.
00:37:25Seriously, I can't believe you still have it.
00:37:27Why not?
00:37:29Oh, Chloe.
00:37:31I'm sure she snoops around.
00:37:33Oh, no, see, that's why I keep it in a folder
00:37:35called Receipts 2012.
00:37:37Ah, you slide on.
00:37:43Did you ever keep anything from me?
00:37:47Um, you know.
00:37:49I mean...
00:37:55Well, at least you're consistent.
00:37:57About what?
00:37:59All this.
00:38:01What, like Chloe and everything?
00:38:03Yeah.
00:38:05Yeah, no, that's actually, that's called committing,
00:38:07which is something that adults do.
00:38:09Yeah, but not to your rebound.
00:38:13She's not a rebound.
00:38:15Oh, no?
00:38:17No.
00:38:19Well,
00:38:21then I say
00:38:23you should prove it.
00:38:27I think that
00:38:29you should kiss me just once,
00:38:31and
00:38:33if you feel nothing,
00:38:35then I will never bring it up again.
00:38:39I don't think that's gonna prove anything, really.
00:38:41No?
00:38:43I mean, you were saying that everything happens for a reason,
00:38:45right?
00:38:47Yeah.
00:38:49So there's gotta be a reason that I'm here.
00:38:51Yeah.
00:38:53I'm being punished.
00:38:55Or
00:38:57you're just being reminded
00:38:59about how good we were together.
00:39:03And that
00:39:05you and Chloe...
00:39:07Don't say goodbye.
00:39:13There you are!
00:39:15Hi.
00:39:17What are you doing home?
00:39:19You weren't answering your phone.
00:39:21Oh, yeah, I guess it was on silent.
00:39:23I was just helping Darby get this mattress in here
00:39:25so she could sleep
00:39:27in here.
00:39:29So we're done with that, so you're good, yeah?
00:39:31Yeah.
00:39:33How was your day? I missed you.
00:39:35I missed you, too.
00:39:39I can't believe it's working.
00:39:41Yeah, I didn't think you had it in you.
00:39:43Yeah, but here's the thing.
00:39:45Chloe is the ultimate twat block.
00:39:47Every time I get close to Mo,
00:39:49she just appears. She's like a fucking STD.
00:39:51Looks like
00:39:53we're going to have to move on to phase two.
00:39:55Which is what?
00:39:57Instead of building you up.
00:39:59You have to tear her down.
00:40:01Okay, tear her down like Becky with the good hair.
00:40:03Yes!
00:40:21The accuser becomes the accused.
00:40:47Oh, the butter got
00:40:49Oh, the butter got
00:40:51Delia.
00:40:53You're cheating a whore.
00:40:55Mo, your girl
00:40:57is stuffing her muffin with
00:40:59mystical ponies?
00:41:07Almost complete.
00:41:09Oh, my God.
00:41:11This is so much worse than infidelity.
00:41:13Gotcha.
00:41:19A sleepwalking
00:41:21shopaholic binge eater?
00:41:23Yeah, she's a real housewife in the making.
00:41:25She'll just say anything to cause trouble, huh?
00:41:27Yeah, but it's still true.
00:41:29Mo, she is a sleeping pill addiction.
00:41:31How do you know about that?
00:41:33What? It's not like I have any experience in emergency medicine.
00:41:35Well, I'm handling it.
00:41:37Have you looked in your guest bedroom closet?
00:41:39Darby, stop.
00:41:41Right? She agreed that she would quit
00:41:43as soon as she gets pregnant.
00:41:45Yeah. We both want kids,
00:41:47but we're trying.
00:41:49Pregnant? Wait, Mo, what about you and I?
00:41:51We almost kissed.
00:41:53Almost? Almost means we didn't kiss
00:41:55and we're not going to kiss,
00:41:57so forget about it.
00:41:59We have history.
00:42:01She is nothing more than a Joanna cunt lately.
00:42:03We've been together eight months.
00:42:05That doesn't sound right.
00:42:25I wear white trash.
00:42:27Where am I?
00:42:35Oh.
00:43:01Probation office, please.
00:43:05Okay.
00:43:23Three out, huh?
00:43:25Oh, Officer Wheeler.
00:43:27Yeah, the fresh air
00:43:29helps me feel remorse for my crime.
00:43:31That so?
00:43:33You know, denial to acceptance.
00:43:35Like a Lifetime movie.
00:43:37The judge would be proud.
00:43:39Yeah, we'll see about that.
00:43:43It's drug test time.
00:43:45Wait, you can just show up here
00:43:47and have me pee in a cup?
00:43:49You ought to know.
00:43:51You boned up on the rules.
00:43:55Yeah!
00:43:57Let's do it.
00:43:59Got nothing to hide. I haven't done drugs since high school.
00:44:03You realize
00:44:05marijuana's a drug.
00:44:15After you.
00:44:25I already peed today,
00:44:27so...
00:44:29Take your time.
00:44:31I'm in no rush.
00:44:47What the...
00:44:55Problems?
00:44:57Oh, no! No!
00:44:59No!
00:45:01Come on.
00:45:03You know,
00:45:05you're a very lucky lady.
00:45:07I mean, most people will cop with as many pills as you have
00:45:09if you're in a jail cell right now, right?
00:45:11In which case, uh...
00:45:13I'll give you drop and trowel
00:45:15right in front of me.
00:45:17Uh-huh!
00:45:19I've always wanted to work
00:45:21in a women's correctional facility.
00:45:23I saw this once again.
00:45:25So we're gonna do this, okay?
00:45:27We're gonna do this.
00:45:29We're gonna do this, okay?
00:45:35Here we go.
00:45:39Okay!
00:45:41Miss Dixon!
00:45:43Yeah, please open up.
00:45:45Shit.
00:45:47Yeah, ma'am.
00:45:49Ma'am, we need it in the cup.
00:45:51Sorry, it just set off too fast!
00:45:53Okay!
00:45:55Miss Dixon!
00:45:59Okay, okay.
00:46:01Jeez Louise, there you go.
00:46:03Nice and warm for you.
00:46:05Like a fresh-baked cookie.
00:46:09Oh!
00:46:11It's the iron
00:46:13in my diet.
00:46:19Keep rocking that power, Bunwheeler!
00:46:23I thought I'd buy me another week.
00:46:33Trying to get pregnant, my ass.
00:46:43I'm gonna mess with the big dogs.
00:46:45Oh, no.
00:46:47You don't know me.
00:46:49You don't know me.
00:46:51No, you don't know me.
00:46:53I'm like your slave.
00:46:55But worse.
00:46:57Damn it, I know it's in here somewhere.
00:47:03Shit.
00:47:11There is a code.
00:47:15Shh.
00:47:17Shh.
00:47:19Ha-ha!
00:47:21You bitch!
00:47:23Oh, Chloe!
00:47:25It's an old prescription from yesterday.
00:47:27I don't have to explain myself.
00:47:29No, you don't, but Mo's gonna be interested.
00:47:31I will keep finding drugs in your backpack.
00:47:33Oh, that's fine. I don't care.
00:47:35I was in a sorority derby.
00:47:37I majored in destroying bitches who crossed me.
00:47:39Oh, and I worked in a hospital
00:47:41where I saw people mysteriously flatline in their sleep.
00:47:43Beep!
00:47:45Beep!
00:47:47Give me the pills and call it even.
00:47:49Don't call my parole officer when you have a deal.
00:47:51Don't tell Mo when we have a deal.
00:47:53Fine.
00:47:55Here.
00:48:01Is this a little housewarming gift?
00:48:03It's a garage-warming gift, yes.
00:48:05This is a chia pot,
00:48:07and you watch it grow, and then you smoke it.
00:48:09Oh, cho-cho-cho-choice, man.
00:48:11Be good to it.
00:48:13He's my little bud, so...
00:48:15Is that his name, Bud?
00:48:17Mm-hmm. Yeah.
00:48:19You can visit him anytime.
00:48:21Thank you.
00:48:25Is it weird staying with your ex and his fiancée?
00:48:27Yeah. They don't belong together.
00:48:29Oh, really?
00:48:31Yeah, he just doesn't know it yet.
00:48:33Cool.
00:48:35Well, you know.
00:48:37Love makes you nuts, right?
00:48:39Sure does.
00:48:43What is that?
00:48:45Oh, it's me.
00:48:47Uh, I had this pickup at a Korean barbecue,
00:48:49and, uh,
00:48:51I guess the smoke got in my pores.
00:48:53That smells like Kobe.
00:48:55No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:48:57No.
00:49:03Mo's favorite casserole.
00:49:05She's making Mo's favorite casserole!
00:49:07She's making Mo's favorite casserole!
00:49:15Mm, smells like...
00:49:17Chloe!
00:49:19What the hell are you doing?
00:49:21Making your favorite dish.
00:49:23Such an extra dash of pubes.
00:49:25No, I shave. Completely.
00:49:27What has come over you for the love of...
00:49:29Loose lips sing ships, Chloe.
00:49:31Here, put this on. Put this on.
00:49:33So it's okay for her, but not for me?
00:49:35Someone's got a Madonna whore complex.
00:49:37Darby, stay out of this.
00:49:39Sweetie? She just called me a whore.
00:49:41Well, actually, that's a psychology term, so...
00:49:43It's the inability to maintain
00:49:45sexual arousal in a committed relationship.
00:49:47Believe me, Darby,
00:49:49I arouse Mo in ways you never...
00:49:51I highly doubt that.
00:49:53Do you do the fingers?
00:49:55Will you shut up? Both of you, just shut up!
00:49:57Darby.
00:49:59Mm-hmm?
00:50:01How would you like to join us for dinner tonight?
00:50:03Mo!
00:50:05Listen, we are stuck together for the rest of the month,
00:50:07so the least we can do is sit down...
00:50:09Who's this guy?
00:50:11Oh, I'm Kyle.
00:50:13I should probably get going.
00:50:15The chicken fingers and my scoot scoot
00:50:17aren't gonna deliver themselves, so...
00:50:19Have a lovely evening.
00:50:21Wait!
00:50:23Why are you gonna leave so soon?
00:50:25Come here! Join the party!
00:50:27He can stay for dinner, right?
00:50:33Well, aren't you two cute together?
00:50:35Don't you think so, sweetie?
00:50:37Here I was, pitying you
00:50:39for being alone.
00:50:41We should have done a couple's dinner sooner.
00:50:43We've been saying the same thing.
00:50:45Really?
00:50:47Oh, totally.
00:50:49You know what?
00:50:51You should tell them about what you do with your job.
00:50:53Oh, yeah, this is great.
00:50:55Uh, so it turns out that I can bogart
00:50:57between 5% and 8% of every order
00:50:59in the customer service department.
00:51:01You eat your customer's food?
00:51:03Yeah.
00:51:05Eel.
00:51:07How impressive.
00:51:09And you know what?
00:51:11You could help Chloe with her massive overspending.
00:51:13Oh, I'd love to share some tips.
00:51:15Yeah, I, uh,
00:51:17I know my way around a tight budget.
00:51:19He does.
00:51:21What's that supposed to mean?
00:51:23Really tight budget.
00:51:25Like, super tight budget.
00:51:27Yeah, that's what we do together.
00:51:29It's a joke.
00:51:31What's the joke?
00:51:33Explain the joke to me.
00:51:35Am I missing something?
00:51:37That was funny.
00:51:39I get it.
00:51:43That's hilarious.
00:51:45What?
00:51:47That art piece. It's a social commentary
00:51:49on the total takeover of chain stores.
00:51:51No, there's a wonderful story
00:51:53attached to that bottle.
00:51:55They're not interested, honey.
00:51:57Let me guess, you ran into spec solutions
00:51:59because you made a contact on them.
00:52:01No.
00:52:03It was just from a party. It's no big deal.
00:52:05But, Momo, it was magical.
00:52:07Very magical.
00:52:09Don't be so bashful.
00:52:11I'll tell.
00:52:15Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
00:52:17I got ya. I got ya.
00:52:19Hey, you should try it in a beer.
00:52:21I put it in the soda stream.
00:52:23It's effervescent as fuck right now.
00:52:25All right, uh,
00:52:27my fair lady.
00:52:29Yes, why, thank you, sir.
00:52:31Oh, I'm, uh, Sir Mohammed
00:52:33of Ghorbani.
00:52:35My last name is Ghorbani.
00:52:37I don't know if you want to Facebook me or whatever.
00:52:39Maybe.
00:52:41I can't see you.
00:52:43I dropped my contact lens.
00:52:45Oh, uh, this?
00:52:49That's it.
00:52:51Heh.
00:52:53Allow me.
00:52:55I can't believe you carry
00:52:57solution with you.
00:52:59Oh, yeah, I work in the eye industry, so...
00:53:03Uh,
00:53:05may I?
00:53:07Sure.
00:53:15I will look you up on Facebook.
00:53:17Okay, great.
00:53:19And we've been inseparable ever since.
00:53:21Huh.
00:53:23Hmm.
00:53:25Is this a Renaissance bar party?
00:53:27No, it was a...
00:53:29You know what? How about you and you?
00:53:31How did you two meet?
00:53:33I ordered a pizza.
00:53:35Sure, pizza.
00:53:37How about that?
00:53:39Not everyone can have the perfect love story.
00:53:41Yeah.
00:53:43What kind of pizza?
00:53:49I don't know.
00:54:19Five, six, seven, eight.
00:54:21Barry's Halloween party?
00:54:23You cheating bastard.
00:54:29Barry Wentworth Halloween party.
00:54:31Damn it.
00:54:35I worked the overnight shift,
00:54:37so you went alone.
00:54:39It's not what you think.
00:54:41Yeah, I remember, because I had a drunken frat guy.
00:54:43And I was like,
00:54:45I don't know.
00:54:47It's not what you think.
00:54:49Yeah, I remember, because I had a drunken frat guy.
00:54:51Vomit all over me.
00:54:53I smelled of cheap tequila and lime all night.
00:54:55Darby, we were arguing a lot.
00:54:57We had a fight that morning, remember?
00:54:59So you slept in more than just contact lens.
00:55:01No, we never slept together.
00:55:03Not until you moved out.
00:55:05But you were in love before.
00:55:07Right?
00:55:09I'm so sorry.
00:55:11I wish you would have told me
00:55:13about wanting marriage
00:55:15and babies and...
00:55:19Darby, honestly,
00:55:21I think I knew on some level
00:55:23you didn't want all that.
00:55:25Was I wrong?
00:55:31I guess not.
00:55:33I guess you were not wrong.
00:55:35Well,
00:55:37Sir Mohammed,
00:55:39go forth.
00:55:41Multiply.
00:55:43What?
00:55:45Bingo.
00:55:47Marry Chloe. Have babies.
00:55:49All that stuff.
00:55:51Have little nights and nightesses.
00:55:55So we're good?
00:55:57You and me, we're good?
00:55:59Yeah.
00:56:01We're good.
00:56:03You and me, we're good?
00:56:05Yeah.
00:56:07Darby.
00:56:23Thanks.
00:56:25Anytime.
00:56:29You've got to use water for that sword.
00:56:31I keep telling you.
00:56:33No, I like spit better.
00:56:35I told you.
00:56:37Most people think
00:56:39that you just put the bud
00:56:41into the dough,
00:56:43but that's not true.
00:56:45You've got to make it in oil first.
00:56:47I know. I wrote the book
00:56:49on getting over next edibles.
00:56:51Just asked my ninth grade home ec teacher.
00:56:55So good.
00:56:57So good.
00:56:59At least now you know leaving Moe
00:57:01was the right thing to do.
00:57:03I always knew it was the right thing to do.
00:57:05I just got confused, Harris.
00:57:07I mean, being here,
00:57:09it made me think about our past.
00:57:11I'm super jealous seeing him
00:57:13with another woman.
00:57:15Okay, Harris. That's enough.
00:57:17I love those.
00:57:19Me too.
00:57:21Well?
00:57:23Oh, my God.
00:57:25These are so adorable.
00:57:27Now put the apron down and walk away.
00:57:29What?
00:57:31Put the apron down and walk away.
00:57:33But they're best when hot.
00:57:35That's not what I'm talking about, Darb.
00:57:37I'm talking about the self-destructive routine
00:57:39you fall into every time something goes wrong in your life.
00:57:41You are really
00:57:43fucking telling my prepos high, man.
00:57:45Darb, come on. At some point,
00:57:47you're going to have to face your life sober.
00:57:49What's the fun in that?
00:57:51No. Darb!
00:57:53Put it down.
00:57:57Fine.
00:57:59I will spend the rest of my life
00:58:01alone and miserable.
00:58:03At it, girl.
00:58:05Because you hate
00:58:07straight women.
00:58:09Yes.
00:58:11Were you just making a big deal about nothing?
00:58:13Nothing. I'm sorry.
00:58:15What? Stop. Stop. Pick a time.
00:58:17Dated her. Stuck it in a few years ago.
00:58:19Oh, my God.
00:58:21You are overreacting
00:58:23for nothing. Just ask her.
00:58:25Ask her what happened.
00:58:27I don't need to.
00:58:29Must be the caterer.
00:58:31Great.
00:58:33Awesome.
00:58:35Oh, my God. Look at this awful kitchen.
00:58:37And those
00:58:39scrumptious pot pies.
00:58:41All right, let's keep these warm in the oven
00:58:43until they're ready to serve, okay?
00:58:55Hi!
00:58:57Come here, you.
00:58:59Give me a kiss.
00:59:01And one more.
00:59:03Good to see you, Mommy.
00:59:05Yeah, my boy.
00:59:07Thank you.
00:59:09So nice to see you.
00:59:11Oh, hi.
00:59:13The flute player.
00:59:15We spoke on the phone.
00:59:19Is your fur floutest?
00:59:21Floutest, yes.
00:59:23Floutest, yes.
00:59:25Floutest.
00:59:27Floutest.
00:59:29Welcome to our engagement party.
00:59:31Oh, my liege.
00:59:33Zound.
00:59:35Zound.
00:59:37My lady.
00:59:39Zound.
00:59:41Zound. Oh, lovely.
00:59:43I do hope you invited some other
00:59:45hags that I might partake
00:59:47in such as this.
00:59:49Have a drink. There's some mead in the back.
00:59:51Mead, my favorite.
00:59:55You, wench.
00:59:57Get me mead.
00:59:59Oh, my God.
01:00:03Charles is the best.
01:00:05Hi, there. Nice to see you, Miss Montgomery.
01:00:07Mo, right?
01:00:09Yeah, we've met a few times.
01:00:11Yeah, remind me of your last name.
01:00:13Gorbani.
01:00:15Gorbani.
01:00:17Chloe Gorbani sounds like a brand of hummus.
01:00:19I just
01:00:21am not thinking that you should
01:00:23change your name.
01:00:25It's up to her, I think.
01:00:27I'll consider it, Mother.
01:00:49You're Chloe's sister, right?
01:00:51Yeah, I'm her sister.
01:00:53I've heard some
01:00:55interesting stories about you.
01:00:57If it involves happy Indians.
01:00:59It's true.
01:01:01I like to watch.
01:01:03Nice.
01:01:09Nothing's official. Nothing's happened.
01:01:11We haven't laid the
01:01:13seed yet, but
01:01:15we are starting to try.
01:01:17No!
01:01:19No, don't you start.
01:01:21Shh.
01:01:23Chloe wants to keep it on the down-low until it's official.
01:01:25Oh.
01:01:31Interesting
01:01:33choice of catering. What the hell?
01:01:35Right? Yes, you're just
01:01:37Miss Independent, aren't you?
01:01:39That's actually quite good, Mother.
01:01:43Devour that pie
01:01:45and devour him.
01:01:51Like your mother's recipes.
01:01:55Thank you, my good man.
01:01:57Don't go anywhere.
01:02:15Hello?
01:02:27Hello?
01:02:35Hello?
01:02:45Hello?
01:02:49My God, I'm going to
01:02:51drop a deuce.
01:03:07Hello?
01:03:11Hello?
01:03:13Hello?
01:03:15Is your mouth here?
01:03:17No. Your mouth is here, right?
01:03:19Why that drop? You want to see me
01:03:21walk?
01:03:23Oh, my God.
01:03:25Skirts on boys.
01:03:27Dear, I wish you had
01:03:29let me throw you this party at the
01:03:31club. No.
01:03:33Cheat day.
01:03:35They do such a good job. It is a cheat day.
01:03:37It is a cheat day.
01:03:39Flautist. I prefer flautist.
01:03:41Beast. I accept tips.
01:03:43Tips.
01:03:45Something like this.
01:03:53They do such a good job
01:03:55of keeping certain people out.
01:04:01Hello?
01:04:03Can anyone hear me?
01:04:05Get me out
01:04:07of here!
01:04:09Get me out!
01:04:11No!
01:04:25Oh, it's turtling.
01:04:27Oh, it's turtling.
01:04:31Oh, my God.
01:04:35Okay. Darby, chill.
01:04:37Oh, my God.
01:04:41Warming him up.
01:04:49Charlie, what have I always
01:04:51told you? Never shine a
01:04:53prenup. No. Nothing
01:04:55tastes as good as skinny feels.
01:04:57I think this one does.
01:04:59No. Your thigh gap will thank me.
01:05:03It's a girl in the water.
01:05:07Shut up.
01:05:09And this.
01:05:11This is not gonna be this tight forever.
01:05:13And if you keep eating, just stop
01:05:15putting your face like a little ciggy.
01:05:17Shut up. Darling. I'm so sorry.
01:05:19Can I stay here for a second?
01:05:21Shut up. Your turn.
01:05:23Shut up.
01:05:25Shut up. Have you seen Darby?
01:05:27Why?
01:05:29No, I just mean she hasn't crashed the party yet,
01:05:31and it's kind of unlike her.
01:05:33Do I look like my ex
01:05:35girlfriend-keeper? What?
01:05:37My ex-girlfriend's fiancé-keeper?
01:05:39What's up with you?
01:05:41What's up with you?
01:05:43That's the question.
01:05:45Ow!
01:05:59Hark! For toast!
01:06:01From our good friend
01:06:03Mo. Okay.
01:06:05Yeah.
01:06:07Gramercy!
01:06:09Honey, do you want to...
01:06:11So, first of all,
01:06:13I just want to thank everyone for being here.
01:06:15A lot of people ask,
01:06:17why do you get married so quickly?
01:06:19And to them we say, go fuck yourself.
01:06:23No.
01:06:25Actually, we quote
01:06:27our favorite line from the movie
01:06:29When Harry Met Sally.
01:06:31What are you guys having?
01:06:33Blow, baby, blow.
01:06:35Me too, Mom.
01:06:37Actually, Mom, the line is
01:06:39when you decide you want to spend
01:06:41the rest of your life with someone...
01:06:43Crest.
01:06:45Crest is such a stupid word.
01:06:47You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
01:06:49Hey, use a condom!
01:06:55Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here?
01:06:57I'm still on birth control!
01:07:01No!
01:07:15Does anyone know
01:07:17how to get shit out of armor?
01:07:25Bitch!
01:07:31I found this phone
01:07:33in the bank.
01:07:35E-R-E-R-O.
01:07:49There you go!
01:07:51Very well, Darby.
01:07:53To hell with you, demon!
01:07:55I knew I saw Darby.
01:07:57You're her queer friend.
01:08:00Sam!
01:08:02What?
01:08:04Mom!
01:08:09Grandma!
01:08:11I want this to go home.
01:08:13Yeah, go home.
01:08:15I seriously hope you're wearing a condom.
01:08:17I'm so glad you're here.
01:08:19Honestly, I treated that guy for chlamydia last week.
01:08:23Oh, my God.
01:08:25I never meant for those pies to be served.
01:08:27Yeah, seriously.
01:08:29Okay, what do you want me to do?
01:08:31I want you to help me fix it.
01:08:33Oh, honey.
01:08:35Oh, my God, who's playing the flute?
01:08:49They'll be bragging about these battle scars in no time.
01:08:53You actually enjoy ruining my life, don't you?
01:08:55This is all one big fucking joke.
01:08:57Mo, I don't...
01:08:59Have you ever thought, maybe if I change, things will get better?
01:09:01Have you considered that?
01:09:03I'm doing the best I can.
01:09:05You're not doing anything.
01:09:07You're doing the same old Darby shit as always.
01:09:09How about this?
01:09:11You do you, I'll do me, and we'll leave it at that.
01:09:13This is the whole fucking problem.
01:09:15You doing you is a fucking disaster.
01:09:17I want you out.
01:09:19I want you out. That's it.
01:09:21Well, I can't.
01:09:23I don't care.
01:09:25I don't care about any of that shit, Darby.
01:09:27I don't care where you go.
01:09:29I'm fucking fed up.
01:09:31Just get out of my house and my life.
01:09:33All right.
01:09:39Fucking go!
01:09:41Bye!
01:09:53Bye!
01:10:07Wait, I thought you weren't supposed to leave.
01:10:09Kid.
01:10:11You gotta stop sneaking up on me.
01:10:13You're just like your mom.
01:10:15I'm just waiting for her to come home.
01:10:17Waiting for her to come home?
01:10:19Wait.
01:10:21Did she leave you with a babysitter or someone?
01:10:23Were you tortured and tied up or something?
01:10:25My mom says I'm old enough to take care of myself.
01:10:27How old are you?
01:10:29Eleven.
01:10:31Eleven?
01:10:33Well, I guess my mom left me home alone at that age.
01:10:35I turned out pretty good, right?
01:10:37I'm just kidding.
01:10:39Don't turn out like me.
01:10:41I turned out very bad.
01:10:43Bad.
01:10:45So where are you going?
01:10:47Um...
01:10:49County jail.
01:10:51Most likely.
01:10:53If they can catch me.
01:10:55Why?
01:10:57Well, you were right.
01:10:59I do not live here.
01:11:03And the people that do...
01:11:07don't want me here.
01:11:09So...
01:11:11I am gonna go.
01:11:13When my mom doesn't want me around,
01:11:15I camp in the backyard.
01:11:17I have a sleeping bag in my garage
01:11:19if you want it.
01:11:27Tell me more about the sleeping bag.
01:11:29And if you tell anybody
01:11:31that you saw me cry, I swear to God
01:11:33I'll kill you.
01:11:35I won't.
01:11:47Tell me what's
01:11:49just one more day.
01:11:51Oh, come on!
01:11:53Really?
01:11:57It's not a cure.
01:12:05While I'm still
01:12:07waiting.
01:12:09Waiting.
01:12:11Dale Hoppin
01:12:13shopaholic.
01:12:17Oh.
01:12:33I didn't mean for it to get
01:12:35so out of control.
01:12:39The party full of stoners or your pill-popping?
01:12:41Both.
01:12:43I mean, I should have known that with everything
01:12:45going on, you'd get all stressed out.
01:12:47I just thought that you getting pregnant
01:12:49would actually make the pill stop. You know, that I thought
01:12:51a baby would make things better.
01:12:53I did want a baby.
01:12:55And then what changed?
01:12:57I don't want to get fat before the wedding.
01:12:59I know it sounds stupid.
01:13:01I like my body the way it is.
01:13:03I know you do, too.
01:13:05Yeah, I do. And I would like it another way.
01:13:07And no matter what I like, it doesn't matter.
01:13:09Can't we just be, like, young and free
01:13:11and have fucking hot people sex
01:13:13for a few seconds before we...
01:13:15If that's what you want, then fine.
01:13:17If that's what you want, then fine.
01:13:19Just talk to me. Look at me.
01:13:21Whatever you want is fine.
01:13:23Okay.
01:13:25Can we kiss?
01:13:27Thank you.
01:13:43Oh.
01:14:03What do you think happened?
01:14:05God knows.
01:14:07I don't know.
01:14:09I'm not feeling well.
01:14:11God knows.
01:14:13She's been out there all night.
01:14:17You should go get her.
01:14:18You sure?
01:14:20I'll make up the guest room.
01:14:27Darby. Darby, come inside. Darby, let's go.
01:14:31Come on. Darby.
01:14:33Let's go. No, you can come in. It's okay.
01:14:36It's fine.
01:14:37I don't want you.
01:14:38Come inside.
01:14:39No.
01:14:40Darby. Darby.
01:14:41No.
01:14:42Come on.
01:14:43I don't need your help.
01:14:44All right. What do you need? What do you need?
01:14:45I need you to hold me responsible.
01:14:53Darby, that's something you've got to do for yourself.
01:15:03Come inside, please.
01:15:06Dry off.
01:15:08No, it's okay.
01:15:10I'm gonna be responsible.
01:15:13But thank you.
01:15:16And thank Chloe.
01:15:20I'm gonna be okay.
01:15:23I am. I'm gonna be okay.
01:15:25Yeah.
01:15:33Get it back. Guys, guys.
01:15:35More ice.
01:15:37Come on, loser.
01:15:39I need my glasses, you guys. I can't see without them.
01:15:46Yes, I do.
01:15:50Oh, my gosh.
01:15:52Come on, loser.
01:15:54Need these?
01:15:55Yeah.
01:16:00Grab them. Come on.
01:16:02What are you doing?
01:16:07Gosh.
01:16:09Hey, someone, go get her mom.
01:16:12I don't know what...
01:16:20You want to do something?
01:16:23Okay, okay.
01:16:25You, give me her shirt.
01:16:26Give me her shirt. Give me her shirt. Give me her shirt.
01:16:28Give me her shirt.
01:16:29She's having an epileptic seizure.
01:16:31Okay, okay.
01:16:33God, please.
01:16:35Please.
01:16:37It's okay. It's okay.
01:16:50Alex?
01:16:52Alex?
01:16:54Hey. Hey.
01:16:57Hey, you okay?
01:16:59You okay?
01:17:00Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
01:17:03Hey. Hey.
01:17:05You okay?
01:17:07Yeah.
01:17:08Did you forget to take your medication?
01:17:10Yeah.
01:17:11Will someone go get her mom?
01:17:19Get out of here.
01:17:24Oh.
01:17:26Oh.
01:17:27That was pretty scary, huh?
01:17:29Yeah.
01:17:30Yeah.
01:17:31Thank you.
01:17:33Your ankle's beeping.
01:17:36It is, huh?
01:17:39I'm glad you had a kick-ass time, Nana,
01:17:41but it was not our intention to drug everyone at the party.
01:17:45Oh.
01:17:47You want the same pies at the wedding reception?
01:17:53Uh, let me call you back, Nana.
01:17:5618 Patron Pulse at 36-676-8180.
01:18:01You can't arrest her.
01:18:03Yeah. Sorry, kid.
01:18:04She broke her probation, all right?
01:18:06It's all right, Alex.
01:18:07But she saved her life.
01:18:09Yeah, ma'am.
01:18:10It doesn't concern you, all right?
01:18:12Turn around, kids.
01:18:13Turn around.
01:18:15You let her go now,
01:18:16or I will bring a world of hurt down on you
01:18:18like you won't believe.
01:18:20I was in a sorority.
01:18:22Don't test me, bitch.
01:18:24Three words.
01:18:25Kappa, kappa, gamma.
01:18:28Don't let her go.
01:18:30She saved her life.
01:18:32Just let her go. Come on.
01:18:37Get out of my car.
01:18:38Get out of the car!
01:18:48Eight days.
01:18:49Plenty of time for a screw-up.
01:18:55Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here.
01:18:59Hey.
01:19:02Thank you for what you did back there.
01:19:05It's no big deal.
01:19:07Not a lot of people would have done it.
01:19:09You've been through enough, Darby.
01:19:16Mo is lucky to have you.
01:19:20Do you need anything?
01:19:23I'll be fine.
01:19:25Let me know, okay?
01:19:27Okay.
01:19:52But I need you to let go.
01:19:54I need to let go.
01:19:56All my shit that I don't wanna see.
01:19:59Yeah, they want me to give up.
01:20:01Want me to give, but I won't.
01:20:11I can be the best me.
01:20:16Cause I know that in my head I feel your fire.
01:20:20But I need you to let go.
01:20:22I need to let go.
01:20:24I've gotta let go.
01:20:25I've gotta let go.
01:20:27Not a time to give up until I grow up.
01:20:32Give Kale a try.
01:20:35I think I have some funny onions in my crotch rocket.
01:20:38If you wanna hang, this is a price of admission.
01:20:46Oh, my God, you didn't die!
01:20:48I don't know why.
01:20:50Oh, do you wanna catch a flick tonight?
01:20:54I mean, I can't, A.
01:20:57And B, I'm really not in the mood.
01:21:00Oh, do you wanna rant about Mo some more?
01:21:02That's fun.
01:21:03No, I'm over that.
01:21:04Okay. Really?
01:21:06Yeah.
01:21:07Oh, that's healthier. That's good.
01:21:08Yeah.
01:21:11I actually think I'm gonna head in.
01:21:16Oh, sleep. Yeah, that's good.
01:21:17Yeah.
01:21:18That's a good thing.
01:21:19Are you okay? You seem different.
01:21:21I'm just figuring some stuff out.
01:21:25Coming by too often, aren't I?
01:21:27Why do boys always think this?
01:21:29No, it has nothing to do with you, I promise.
01:21:31My mommy loved me.
01:21:32Yeah, okay.
01:21:34Leave the bowl when you're done.
01:21:36I'm not gonna finish these.
01:21:40Good night.
01:21:42Great night.
01:21:44Hey, kid.
01:21:46What's that for?
01:21:47It's for Darby to sleep in.
01:21:53This is a drill. E.R. on Saturday night.
01:21:5530 seconds. Go.
01:21:57Okay.
01:21:58Sorry.
01:21:59It's gonna hurt.
01:22:00It's inside.
01:22:03You can't cut off his leg.
01:22:05Darby.
01:22:07Help over here.
01:22:08Help over here.
01:22:1020 seconds.
01:22:13Prioritize me.
01:22:15Bandage her up and shove it back in her face.
01:22:17What?
01:22:18Shove the eye back in the face.
01:22:20Prioritize me.
01:22:21Never.
01:22:22I don't have a lot of warm things.
01:22:24Okay.
01:22:25Him. Get to him.
01:22:26This one with the sword.
01:22:27Not like that.
01:22:28What is time?
01:22:30God. How'd he do?
01:22:33Still a little bit slow with girl with eye hanging out,
01:22:35but she's alright.
01:22:36I already popped her eye back in.
01:22:37Didn't do it quite good enough.
01:22:39No, I popped her eye back in.
01:22:41Like a boss.
01:22:43Like a boss eye popping back in bitch.
01:22:46Good.
01:22:47No doubt.
01:22:48I did it.
01:22:49No doubt.
01:22:50Can you see?
01:22:51Everyone in your place, place it back in place.
01:22:53This is not how it's supposed to go.
01:22:58Run a mile without stopping.
01:23:00Check and hop check.
01:23:02Detox for a day.
01:23:05Check.
01:23:07Catch up with current events.
01:23:11Hmm.
01:23:12And half a check.
01:23:14Meet Oprah.
01:23:16Definitely need to do that.
01:23:20Surprise delivery.
01:23:21Hey, that's my line.
01:23:22What are you guys doing here?
01:23:24Well, my pal Alex and I thought that you could use some new digs,
01:23:28so hurray.
01:23:30You didn't hop to it.
01:23:31Well, we wanted to.
01:23:33Come on in.
01:23:34Oh, thank you.
01:23:36So you're going to give us the grand tour?
01:23:38Yes.
01:23:39Please.
01:23:40My fair lady.
01:23:42Wow.
01:23:43This thing's enormous.
01:23:45Isn't it huge?
01:23:46Hello.
01:23:47Hello.
01:23:50This is great.
01:23:51Can you give us a tour of the mansion?
01:23:53So this over here is the east wing.
01:23:56Oh, the easterly wing.
01:23:58Yes, the easterly wing.
01:24:00This is my realtor.
01:24:01Oh, hello.
01:24:02An excellent job.
01:24:04What were you looking for in the market?
01:24:06I was looking for something airy.
01:24:08And something you couldn't stand up in.
01:24:10Exactly, because why stand up when you can sit down?
01:24:15Exactly.
01:24:17Exactly.
01:24:19No, but seriously, thank you.
01:24:23It was my pleasure.
01:24:25You know what they say.
01:24:26What?
01:24:27A house isn't a home unless you build a fire and eat marshmallows.
01:24:32I'm not even going to ask how you got all of this stuff.
01:24:35Good.
01:24:36Probable deniability.
01:24:38Your marshmallow's on fire.
01:24:40Huh?
01:24:41Your marshmallow is on fire.
01:24:44I know.
01:24:46Wait, what are you doing?
01:24:49I'm trying to eat it on fire to impress you.
01:24:53I'm too nervous.
01:24:57I'm too nervous.
01:25:03I did it.
01:25:05You did do it.
01:25:07How is it?
01:25:09Good.
01:25:27It's just the things you do.
01:25:31You make me just so nervous.
01:25:35You want to slap me up?
01:25:38What's my name?
01:25:39Tell me my name.
01:25:40What's my name?
01:25:42Say it.
01:25:43I'm not a delivery guy.
01:25:44Have a name and say it.
01:25:48That's right, it's Kyle.
01:25:50Kyle.
01:25:55Top three TV shows from the 90s.
01:25:57Ready?
01:25:58One, two, three, go.
01:26:0090210.
01:26:01Totally.
01:26:02Merrill's Place.
01:26:03Okay.
01:26:04Step by Step.
01:26:06Step by Step.
01:26:16Living in the backyard, huh?
01:26:18Happens to be a violation of your parole.
01:26:21Come again?
01:26:22The rules state that the confinement must occur within deemed property lines.
01:26:27Yeah, I know, Officer Wheeler.
01:26:29But there's no mention of restriction within said residence.
01:26:35Because it says here, by law, a court construes ambiguous terms against the drafter of the agreement.
01:26:41Which, for all intents and purposes, is you.
01:26:43I read up.
01:26:45The court also construes cheating on a drug test to be very serious.
01:26:50And your urine is consistent with a canine.
01:26:54Terrier, to be exact.
01:26:56Thoughts on how that might occur?
01:27:00As a nurse, sample contamination happens a lot.
01:27:03Which is why we always retest.
01:27:09But this time, I'll be with you in the bathroom in case anything illegal happens.
01:27:18Great.
01:27:20Let's just get this going then.
01:27:35Oh, my ankle.
01:27:38Okay.
01:27:43Here you go, Officer Wheeler.
01:27:45Nice and fresh for you.
01:27:54Have a good day.
01:28:00Dickson.
01:28:15Dickson.
01:28:31I could give you a ride.
01:28:33No, it's okay, I have...
01:28:38Get in, skank.
01:28:40I got places to go.
01:28:45This is gonna be fun.
01:28:49Bye-bye!
01:28:53What happened to her accent?
01:28:58It's not enough to serve out your sentence, Miss Dickson.
01:29:02I need to see remorse.
01:29:04I need to see a true change in attitude.
01:29:08Oh, it is all there, Your Honor.
01:29:10Miss Dickson has been going back to school, and she's going to finish her medical degree.
01:29:14Stop talking!
01:29:16It's impressive, but I would like to hear from her myself.
01:29:20Yes, sir.
01:29:21Do you honestly think you've been rehabilitated?
01:29:25Rehabilitated?
01:29:28It's just a bullshit word, so...
01:29:30I could go on and stand for four and stop wasting my time because...
01:29:35I don't give a shit!
01:29:37Red from Shawshank Redemption, one of my favorite films.
01:29:40I knew I liked you, Miss Dickson.
01:29:41I liked that one, too.
01:29:43Stop with the ass smoke. I am not a chimney.
01:29:45Right, okay.
01:29:47Your Honor, I am fully aware of the consequences of my actions,
01:29:51and over the last 30 or so days,
01:29:54I have seen that I need to take responsibility for my life,
01:29:58so there will be no more trouble from me.
01:30:01You know, I'm really glad to hear that, Miss Dickson.
01:30:05You really changed, inward and outwardly.
01:30:08I mean, before, you came in here looking like a sack of shit.
01:30:12And I don't use that as just a phrase.
01:30:14I mean, I really thought, oh, look at that.
01:30:16It's a bunch of human waste.
01:30:19Now, you look incredible.
01:30:21Thanks.
01:30:23It's funny when you sit next to your lawyer,
01:30:25who looks like she's escaped from a circus.
01:30:29I'm talking to you.
01:30:31That said, after all this,
01:30:35life without parole.
01:30:36I'm joking. Absolute discharge.
01:30:40Well...
01:30:42This malpractice suit is your fault.
01:30:44I'm advising not to talk.
01:30:46I had nothing to do with that bitch getting pneumonia.
01:30:48Dorothy, no!
01:30:50I always knew you were a weak little monkey shit.
01:30:53Oh, go ahead. Yeah.
01:30:56I always knew you were a ballless prick.
01:30:59Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That was earned.
01:31:02I didn't see anything. Nothing.
01:31:05Shit.
01:31:07I told you not to talk.
01:31:24Slide over. I'm driving.
01:31:28So, how'd it go?
01:31:30Free and clear.
01:31:32That's hot.
01:31:35So, what's for dinner?
01:31:38You like Mongolian food?
01:31:40Yeah. Why? Someone cancel an order?
01:31:42Mm-mm. No, it's this great place I've been dying to take you to.
01:31:45I thought we'd go.
01:31:47Wait, you mean, like, pay?
01:31:49Yeah, like, take you out, like, on a date.
01:31:53No.
01:31:59I'm sorry.
01:32:01No.
01:32:04I'm gonna take you home.