First broadcast 9th February 2010.
Charlie Brooker
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Brooker
Doug Stanhope
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Newswipe and I'm all about what's been occurring
00:28such as this.
00:29Emotional scenes on the Andrew Marr show as Marr insists on bringing up Iraq again.
00:34Why won't everyone just leave us to come with the law?
00:39John Terry scandal, Sky capture impressive display of psychic ventriloquism.
00:44Lots of other people have come out and said lots of things about my private life, many
00:48of which are totally untrue and very hurtful.
00:52Vanessa Perencel speaking through Max Clifford there.
00:56And staggering statistics show widespread of dementia.
01:00And that's what makes this such a big issue.
01:05And sorry, I've lost my train of thought.
01:08But we start here.
01:09Have you noticed politicians don't seem human anymore?
01:13Look at them politicians.
01:14They're just weird.
01:15Not like us at all.
01:16Look, here's a normal person and here's David Miliband.
01:20See, it's just not right.
01:21If there's anything weirder than a mere politician, it's an ex prime minister.
01:25SPMs are regarded with the kind of horrified fascination usually reserved for unexpected
01:29visitors from space.
01:31For instance, recently the news picked over several fascinating facts regarding the legacy
01:35of Empress Margaret from the planet Thachalos.
01:38According to BBC analysts, she used to absorb an unusual quantity of eggs.
01:42She had the same every day.
01:43Grapefruit, one or two eggs, black coffee or clear tea, lunch, two eggs, grapefruit,
01:48dinner, two eggs, combination salad, one piece of dry toast, grapefruit and coffee.
01:54So in that one day, six eggs, or six or seven eggs in a day.
01:59Meanwhile, ITN took a fascinated and forensic look at some of the detritus she left behind
02:03following her stay on the mothership.
02:05What I've got here, I think, is the one item that is perhaps most associated with Margaret
02:11Thatcher.
02:12Well, that rules out a human heart.
02:13Indeed, rather than a human heart, it's her handbag, which Libby Viner will now pick over
02:17in minute detail.
02:19So what exactly was in Mrs Thatcher's famous handbag?
02:22Well, many of the items are quite ordinary, for example, the former Prime Minister's lipstick.
02:27She had lips?
02:28Recently, there was another lipped alien visitation to report as Tony Blair geared up to face
02:33the Chilcot Inquiry.
02:35The news skillfully built this up to be a whopping great deal on the one hand, while
02:39simultaneously helping to manage expectations about the chances of him actually giving anything
02:43away on the other.
02:45Channel 4 News attempted to confuse its beleaguered viewers to death by staging an intense alternate
02:50dramatisation of Blair's appearance before it had even occurred, using a panel of experts
02:55and an actor, who was only allowed to answer their questions using words Blair himself
02:59had used in interviews and speeches.
03:00It was like he was taking part in a mental episode of Mastermind, in which his specialist
03:05subject was denying a war crime without giggling.
03:08Mr Blair, immediately after your pre-war meeting with President Bush at Camp David, the President
03:15famously told Alistair Campbell that you had real balls.
03:20Of course, for the purposes of this reconstruction, his real balls are being portrayed by an actor.
03:25Come the dawn of Blair's appearance, the stage was set for the not-quite-a-trial-of-the-century,
03:29and furious protesters gathered outside.
03:31There weren't as many as the news had been anticipating, but the ones that were there
03:34were entertainingly feisty.
03:36We're going to have a police state, at least organise it properly!
03:40Fittingly for an inquiry into how the Iraq situation got so buggered, Blair gave the
03:44protesters the slip by sliding up the back entrance, thereby showing more cunning than
03:48was evident during the entire aftermath of the invasion.
03:50Anyway, soon the questioners were in place, the atmosphere was electric, as he sat down
03:55and reached for a bottle of water, Blair's hands quivered so much he shook all the blood
03:59off them.
04:00And then the first question was asked.
04:02Oh, yeah, unfortunately we're not allowed to show you actual footage from the Chilcot
04:09inquiry because broadcasters aren't allowed to use any of it for the purposes of satire
04:13or entertainment, presumably because there's nothing satirical or entertaining about it.
04:18But still, don't despair.
04:19Using the power of fictional reconstruction, we can show you what millions wanted Blair
04:23to say.
04:24And now we return live to the Chilcot inquiry, where Tony Blair is about to begin giving
04:29evidence.
04:30My name is Anthony B. Lyer, you know, I'm a war criminal, I'm a shit, you know.
04:37I misled the house, I invaded Iraq to impress George Bush, I orchestrated 9-11, 7-7, the
04:45credit crunch, and global warming with my bare hands, I f***ed your granddaughter.
04:50I shot the sheriff, I also shot the deputy, and I made it look like suicide.
04:56Still even though he didn't actually say any of that, Blair didn't seem to win over any
04:58of his critics with what he did actually say.
05:00In fact, it seemed no one was convinced by his performance.
05:04By saying no one, he did have one vocal cheerleader who turned up for a cosy daytime chat on the
05:10Daily Politics.
05:11I've always been deeply suspicious of received wisdom.
05:15If you get up close to it, it can have a distinctly fishy smell.
05:17A bit like a yeast infection.
05:19To accuse a serving Prime Minister of lying to Parliament, to the world, about Saddam's
05:24weapons of mass destruction is an incredibly serious allegation.
05:27I'd only believe it for one split second.
05:29Oh, well, that's that settled.
05:31Right up until the German V-weapons began to drop on London and the South East in 1944,
05:36the British government, led by Churchill, didn't believe in the existence of those weapons.
05:40You didn't see Churchill hauled up before an inquiry in 1946 or 47 or 48.
05:45They accepted that it was a genuine mistake.
05:48This isn't so much an argument as a series of flaws held together with consonants.
05:52It's also important to remember that governments do use spin to take their countries to war.
05:56The 45-minute claim was a classic example of spin, but look back at some of Margaret
06:00Thatcher's speeches that took us into the Falklands War.
06:03Spin city.
06:04Jesus Christ, what are you going to do next, question the nature of knowledge itself?
06:07I'm always astonished at the blunt certainty with which some people say that the war was
06:11illegal.
06:13How can they really know?
06:14International law is incredibly complicated.
06:17But at the end of the day, if the Attorney General, however many times you may have changed
06:20his mind, comes down on the side of legality and tells the Prime Minister that, who's to
06:26argue?
06:27Ladies and gentlemen, the death of satire.
06:30When a former Prime Minister needs a former daytime host to defend him, it's fair to say
06:33the balance of power between politicians and TV is all out of whack.
06:37Not that MPs need to be accused of war crimes to look bad, they all look bad on the box.
06:41There's a huge disconnect between them and us, which isn't helped by things like the
06:45expenses scandal.
06:47Every time you see a politician on TV, they're being treated with withering contempt.
06:51I am never going to satisfy you folks at all.
06:55I am never going to be able to satisfy you, because I am an MP and therefore guilty.
07:01MPs are now so detached from the rest of us, we'll even watch harrowing reality programmes
07:04where they're forced to mix with regular people for entertainment.
07:07Just you, just you there.
07:10Yes, it's fair to say that television has reduced MPs to blubbing on the lawn.
07:15But things used to be the other way round.
07:17In the early days of broadcasting, television kowtowed to politicians with sickening deference.
07:22Well now, Mr Eden, with your very considerable experience of foreign affairs, it's quite
07:27obvious that I should start by asking you something about the international situation
07:31today, or perhaps you would prefer to talk about her.
07:33When shall it be?
07:34Consequently, politicians didn't have much respect for television.
07:37Anything else you care to say about the country that you can tell?
07:41That changed when perky young upstart ITN arrived and their budding firebrand, Robin
07:45Day, made waves by confronting Macmillan.
07:47Is it correct, as reported in one paper, that he would like, in fact, to give up the job
07:51of Foreign Secretary?
07:52Not at all, except in the sense that everybody would like to give up these appalling burdens
07:56which we can't carry.
07:57That might not look like a big deal now, but it was at the time.
08:01Now the gloves were off and politicians found themselves increasingly challenged on the
08:04box.
08:05Try and turn it into a party issue, it is really beyond belief contemptible.
08:10Do you feel that those who have spoken out, the bishops, the times and so on, have tried
08:14to turn it into a party issue?
08:15I think you have.
08:16Thank you, Lord Yeltsin.
08:17MPs had to learn the hard way that on TV, what you said wasn't as important as the impression
08:22you left, and they became more image conscious as a result.
08:25For instance, after Harold Wilson realised he often made unconsciously menacing actions
08:28with his fist, he adopted his trademark pipe, which simultaneously kept his hands occupied
08:33and made him appear cosy.
08:34Faced with slicker opponents, the interviewers were forced to up their game.
08:37Robin Day unsettled them by becoming even more irritating.
08:41Do you think that...
08:42No, Robin, leave it.
08:43No, leave it.
08:44I haven't started yet.
08:45Well, if you haven't started, then I beg of you not to start and turn to something else.
08:50I was about to.
08:51You are, really?
08:52You promise?
08:53I was about to, yes.
08:55If the market minority in Parliament decide to vote...
09:01Do you know, I believe there's going to be the same questions raised in a different way.
09:05And sometimes he was downright rude.
09:06Why should the public on this issue, with regards to the future of the Royal Navy, believe
09:11you, a transient, here today, and if I may say so, gone tomorrow, politician, rather
09:17than a senior officer of many years?
09:19I'm sorry, I've shut up.
09:22Faced with increasingly blunt questions, politicians became more evasive.
09:25Did you threaten to overrule him?
09:26I was not entitled to instruct Derek Lewis.
09:30Did you threaten to overrule him?
09:31The truth of the matter is, I did not...
09:33Did you threaten to overrule him?
09:34I did not overrule Derek Lewis.
09:35I note you're not answering the question whether you threatened to overrule him.
09:39The important aspect...
09:41I'm sorry.
09:42You can put the question and I will give you an answer.
09:45Did you threaten to overrule him?
09:48I discussed this matter with Derek Lewis.
09:51Faced with increasingly evasive answers, the interviewers became increasingly invasive.
09:55A lot of people in this country use prescription painkillers and pills to help them get through.
10:02Are you one of those people?
10:04No.
10:05And the exchanges as a whole became more uncomfortable.
10:08Watching some of today's political interviews is a bit like eavesdropping on a couple trapped
10:12in a loveless marriage, bickering on their way home from a shit dinner party with their
10:16equally miserable friends.
10:18Briefly, if you want to ask about the Second Americans' Alliance, you're very welcome to do so.
10:21The answer is very simple.
10:22Do you want to go?
10:23What?
10:24Well, yes or no.
10:25Sorry?
10:26Do you want to ask the question?
10:27Yes.
10:28Please, go ahead.
10:29The one chance politicians get to speak directly to the viewer without being drawn into a conversation
10:32about just how big an arsehole they are comes in the form of the party political broadcast.
10:37Trouble is, as soon as they start making adverts for themselves, they quickly prove they're
10:41not the best or most subtle programme makers.
10:43Here, for instance, we see Labour gently trying to create a link in the voters' mind between
10:47Tory-approved nuclear missiles and soft-pink, easily-burnt-to-death babies.
10:50If there's another world war, it'll be nuclear.
10:53There'll be no winners, and no one will survive.
10:56It will never happen.
11:00But sod nuclear war, the Tories brought us something even more frightening.
11:03The nuclear winter of 79.
11:05Do you remember what it was like before the last election?
11:11The rubbish piled high in the streets?
11:14Yes, oh, it really stank.
11:16Ambulances left unmanned, the dead unburied.
11:21Yeah, well, they weren't going anywhere.
11:23Cancer patients sent home from hospital.
11:25Shit, they've nicked an unmanned ambulance.
11:27Bloody cancer patients.
11:30And when archive footage won't suffice, they try and scare us with terrifying metaphorical
11:34visions of the future under the opposition.
11:36Did you, or did you not, want better schooling for your children?
11:43Guilty.
11:44On the few occasions they're not being all sledgehammer and arse-house, they still come
11:47across as arseholes.
11:48Without interviewers holding them to account, politicians can easily seem stuffy or complacent.
11:53I think we should be fairly satisfied the way things have gone lately, don't you, Ram?
11:56Yes, we've got through our programme very well, and I've just come from the house, and we're
12:00right up to date.
12:01Or weird and creepy.
12:03We believe in Britain.
12:06We're all in this together.
12:08Good luck to you all, and good night.
12:11Or bolshie and needy.
12:13Stand firm.
12:15Don't be swayed.
12:16Give us a chance.
12:18Or young and sexy.
12:20Neil Kimmel's greatest asset is his youth.
12:23Or grey and boring.
12:28Or Scottish and boring, and sitting at a desk.
12:31Good evening.
12:32Good God, it's footage of Gordon Brown in the womb.
12:35You'd be better off with Labour.
12:37And when they're not telling you you're better off with Labour, they're telling you the economic
12:40situation is getting better more quickly than anybody thought this time last year.
12:44There's no doubt that the economic situation is getting better, and it's getting better
12:48more quickly than anybody thought this time last year.
12:51Even when politicians simply try and drum up support, they come across like a weird cult.
12:55I just came to realise that if I believed in those principles, and I supported what
12:59the Labour Party was doing, then I should really join up and play a part in trying to
13:02change things.
13:03Yes, no matter how many zhuzhi modern TV techniques they employ to pass themselves off as normal
13:08people, politicians seem doomed to come across as snake oil salesmen or pricks.
13:13Maybe they could do with help from someone who really knows how TV works.
13:16Somebody a bit like Simon Cowell.
13:18Yes, entertainment deity Simon Cowell recently outlined his plan to redefine political TV
13:23in a revealing and ominous interview on the BBC's heavyweight news night.
13:26You've said in the past that the X Factor could have other applications.
13:31What about some kind of political engagement for the X Factor?
13:35Yeah, because it's the sort of thing I'd like to watch.
13:39There are so many really, really, really hot topics.
13:44Like what?
13:45Well, for instance, should we or should we be in Iraq and Afghanistan?
13:50If you actually asked most people in the country, why are we there?
13:55I couldn't even tell you.
13:57I'd give Richard Magli a ring if I were you, he's got a few theories.
14:00Simon might like to know that an X Factor style political show has been tried before
14:04in the form of ITV's snazzy political bear pit Vote For Me,
14:07which had all the usual talent show ingredients, a shiny studio, a panel of expert judges,
14:11an eager amateur line-up and a phone vote in which, to the channel's embarrassment,
14:15was won by extreme right-winger Rodney Hilton Potts.
14:18Thank you very much. Finally, candidate number one, Rodney, tell us one thing you care about.
14:24Your time starts now.
14:26Our pensioners didn't fight two world wars to save this great country
14:32to have it swamped with immigrants.
14:34Vote For Me wasn't a hit, but then it didn't have a red telephone in the middle.
14:38We would have a red telephone in the middle, which is at any time someone from number 10 can call in.
14:46But I think something like that would be a good way for me to get involved in politics in my own way,
14:52which is it would be controversial, the public would eventually make the decision.
14:57You know, I dread to think what a controversial political X-factor in which the public gets to decide might look like.
15:03He's the most divisive politician in Britain today.
15:09He denied climate change.
15:13He denied the existence of black Welshmen.
15:18There's no such thing as a black Welshman.
15:20He denied six million dead.
15:24I'm not a racist, no.
15:27It's time.
15:30That was a lynch mob.
15:32To face Nick Griffin.
15:39How did our faith in politicians droop so low?
15:42Here's a special film from documentary maker Adam Curtis,
15:45the man behind The Century of the Self, The Power of Nightmares, and It Felt Like a Kiss on that very subject.
15:52This is a film about how all of us have become Richard Nixon.
15:58Just like him, we have all become paranoid weirdos.
16:02It's the story of how television and newspapers did this to us
16:06and how it has paralysed the ability of politics to transform the world for the better.
16:12Once upon a time, politicians believed they could change the world.
16:17One of them was a Labour MP called Roy Jenkins.
16:20An attitude of conservatism would be very unbecoming to the Labour movement.
16:26We exist to change society.
16:29In the 60s, Jenkins radically reformed Britain.
16:33He used his power as Home Secretary to help get rid of laws against homosexuality, abortion and divorce,
16:40and oversaw the end of the death penalty.
16:44The press, and much of the public, hated it.
16:47But he refused to bow down to the pressure because he was an elitist.
16:51He knew it was good for them.
16:54But then Richard Nixon came to power in America.
16:58He saw himself as an outsider and he hated elites.
17:02He was convinced that many in the East Coast establishment
17:05secretly ran America in their own interests.
17:09Snooty academics, liberal foundations, film stars, heads of big corporations and even the CIA.
17:16In Nixon's mind, they were all part of a hidden, corrupt network.
17:21And what's more, they were out to destroy him.
17:25So Nixon set up a covert operation to bug and smear all these enemies.
17:30But in 1972, they got caught bugging the Democrats in the Watergate building.
17:36Nixon tried to cover it up, but he was exposed by the Washington Post.
17:43As a result of Watergate, investigative journalists in America and Britain
17:47became the heroes of the age.
17:50In the 70s, they uncovered all sorts of bad people who often beat them up.
18:05But then, the journalists began to uncover the strangest thing.
18:09They found corruption in the heart of the elites who ran their country.
18:13Politicians and civil servants took bribes.
18:17The security services assassinated people illegally.
18:22Policemen concocted evidence and sold drugs.
18:25I'm here to look into the disturbing case of Mrs Joyce Brown.
18:28And even senior doctors covered up terrible mistakes.
18:32And as the journalists exposed all this, they began to sound like...
18:37..Richard Nixon.
18:39That there really were hidden conspiracies in the heart of the establishment.
18:45And then, in an even odder twist, the journalists found an unlikely ally,
18:50Mrs Thatcher.
18:52Mrs Thatcher wanted to roll back the power of the state.
18:56And to her, the professional elites, the civil servants, lawyers, doctors,
19:00the broadcasters, were all terrible hypocrites.
19:04They talked loudly of public duty.
19:07But secretly, they were running things in their own interests.
19:11So she spent the 80s attacking these groups as a threat to Britain.
19:15Helped by Rupert Murdoch, who detested elitism in Britain and America.
19:21They hate to see someone communicating with the masses.
19:24They feel that newspapers, the written word is not for the masses.
19:27That should be left to television, or perhaps to nobody.
19:30But there's a great sort of elitism.
19:32But then, in the 1990s, the journalists became even more like Richard Nixon.
19:37Like him, they started to see hidden enemies everywhere.
19:42They were enthusiastically supported in this
19:44by some members of the middle-class elites.
19:47Doctors, psychiatrists and academics.
19:49Who reinvented themselves as experts.
19:52Who said that they too could identify dangers
19:55lurking just under the surface of our everyday lives
19:58that we couldn't see.
20:01Experts uncovered hidden threats like sexual abuse, paedophilia
20:06and even networks of satanic abuse on a vast scale.
20:10Doctor believes that many multiple personality patients
20:13were sexually abused by satanic cults.
20:17Other experts predicted hundreds of thousands would die
20:20from the epidemic of BSE-CJD.
20:24Medical experts said that millions of people
20:27were going to die from different forms of animal flu.
20:30Doctors have discovered a new disease which, they say,
20:33shows a possible link between autism and the routine childhood vaccine MFR.
20:38Others said that thousands of children were at risk of autism
20:41from the MMR germ.
20:44Terror experts said there was a global hidden network of sleeper cells
20:48that had the power to destroy Western society.
20:52And then it got worse.
20:54Other experts said you couldn't even trust yourself.
20:57Your own body was an enemy.
21:00Obesity is now a disease of epidemic proportions.
21:03It just makes you paranoid.
21:05You look at yourself in the mirror every day.
21:07I think people just think, I really want to look like that.
21:09Because it's just everywhere.
21:10We're obsessed with food.
21:12I've actually had my stomach stapled and I'm on antidepressants.
21:15Using all the best available science...
21:1830 years ago, journalists bravely exposed the corruption of those in power,
21:23like Richard Nixon.
21:25But now the news and television programmes have ended up
21:29taking serious threats to society and exaggerating and distorting them.
21:37By doing this, they have created a widespread mood of fear in society
21:42and a suspicion of those who lead us.
21:45And in the process, millions of us have become exactly like Richard Nixon.
21:50Paranoid.
21:53And if any politician tried to do what Roy Jenkins did 40 years ago,
21:58to change Britain for the better, against public opinion,
22:02we and the press would destroy them.
22:05But there is one difference between us and Richard Nixon.
22:09He told his psychiatrist that when he looked in the mirror in the morning,
22:13there was no one there.
22:15When we look in the mirror in the morning, we think we're too fat.
22:22In any given week, there are important stories, there are less important stories,
22:26and then there are bullshit-flavoured stories, such as these.
22:29It's time for the week in bullshit.
22:34Safety and concerns over Toyota accelerator pedals
22:37give anchormen a golden opportunity to make brilliant jokes.
22:41Toyota's reliability problems are showing no signs of stopping,
22:44almost quite literally.
22:47During the mess, one Toyota boss headed online in a bid to calm things down.
22:52Turned out he didn't drive a Toyota, he drove a Turta.
22:55You know, a Turta.
22:56I drive a Toyota, my family and friends drive Turtas,
22:59and I wouldn't allow my loved ones to drive our cars
23:02if I didn't believe that they were safe.
23:04Meanwhile, Sky entertained everyone with a live interview
23:07with the world's most tedious man.
23:09Derek joins us to tell us his story.
23:11Sounds pretty terrifying, Derek.
23:13What happened? Did the accelerator stick?
23:16Yes, it seemed to.
23:18I backed out of the drive, and it had shot back out of the drive,
23:23slightly out of control, but I thought,
23:26well, maybe if I drive it a bit, it'll clear.
23:29Come on.
23:30Because I'd had the car for six months and wasn't expecting any trouble.
23:34Yes, that's right.
23:35Get to the bit with the crash.
23:37I drove on for about 150 yards,
23:39and then I had to turn left into a road.
23:43This isn't the most exciting description I've ever heard.
23:46Maybe if we dub some exciting chase music over the top.
23:49The engine was still racing beyond my real control,
23:53and I was confronted with a white van.
23:55Oh, right.
23:56So I chose the small car to bang into rather than him.
23:59Then, having done that, I decided I wanted to get out of the way
24:03of this crash where I was blocking the road,
24:06and so I put my wheel a little left to turn back into where I'd come.
24:11Hair-raising experience.
24:13The science behind climate change has been in the news again of late.
24:16Here's US stand-up Doug Stanhope
24:18with his somewhat misanthropic and, dare I say, confrontational take
24:22on what American coverage of environmental issues isn't telling you.
24:31I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drank.
24:35Sometimes the American news is like a tired old whore
24:38that only tells you what you want to hear.
24:40You watch stories every day about the environment and global warming,
24:44and they give you a thousand cute little tips
24:46on things you can do to help Mother Earth,
24:49when the major problem is obviously overpopulation.
24:53That never comes up, ever.
24:55Even Al Gore has to be pressed on the issue to admit that it's even a problem,
24:59and he'll go, yeah, yeah, well, yeah, of course,
25:01yeah, overpopulation is a really big problem,
25:03but that's going to correct itself.
25:05Yeah, by 2050, he says, I guess fucking will go out of style.
25:09It's just a passing fad, this desire to procreate.
25:13The news knows you don't want to hear that.
25:16The news has no problem telling you how to save the Earth
25:19by cutting up your six-pack holders before you throw them away
25:22so you don't strangle a dolphin when all that shit gets flushed out to sea.
25:26And that's fine.
25:27And turn off the water while you brush your teeth.
25:29And you go, I'll do that.
25:31They can't say, oh, and don't fuck in the front hole,
25:34because that glut of humanity you're creating is the real problem behind this.
25:38Nobody wants to hear, don't fuck in the front hole after a hard day at work.
25:43An Oregon State study just came out
25:45that shows that a woman who already recycles at her optimum
25:50will still increase her carbon footprint 40 times by just having two children.
25:56The next time you see a hybrid car with a baby seat in the back
26:00smash the windows out of that car fight club style.
26:04Steal the baby seat.
26:06Leave a condom where the baby seat sat.
26:08And see if you send a message.
26:10Because that is every sanctimonious douchebag
26:13who pretends to be part of the solution
26:15when they're the exact problem that they pretend to be fighting against.
26:19Your combined uteri wreak more havoc to the environment
26:23than a thousand Dow Chemical Corporation accidents combined.
26:28You don't have the baby.
26:30You could drive an entire fleet of Hummers to and from work every day
26:35hanging your ass out the window
26:37and farting styrofoam packing peanuts into the atmosphere
26:41and still not cause a fraction of the damage
26:44that one stupid baby causes to this planet.
26:48If you want to help Mother Earth, try sodomy.
26:51Sodomy is eco-friendly and abortion is green.
26:59Romance!
27:01And as Jordan and Alex Reid get wed
27:03news networks expertly explain what a Metamedia PR headf**k it all is.
27:07That publicist was denied and they got married for publicity reasons.
27:11The nuptials were lovingly mocked up by the computer experts at the Daily Star.
27:15Meanwhile Sky's staring ice maiden Kay Burley
27:18was fortuitously interviewing Jordan ex Peter Andre.
27:21AKA the world's nicest man.
27:23Did you know?
27:24I didn't know.
27:26I didn't know.
27:27When did you find out?
27:29Last night I was doing a signing in Basildon, which was brilliant by the way.
27:33But if Andre was expecting a cushy time promoting his new album
27:36he was sorely mistaken as Burley unleashed a series of tough questions
27:39about his kids and his ex-wife.
27:41Do they know that their mummies got married?
27:44Not from me.
27:46His unlucky private life.
27:47Is it hard to sing love songs at the moment?
27:49His weight.
27:50You're too thin though, what's happened?
27:52Do you think?
27:53While he was still reading from that they played a tape of Dwight York
27:56criticising him last year for attempting to get custody of his son.
28:00Well no disrespect but has he seen Harvey since that interview?
28:05I don't know, has he?
28:06Having softened him up Kay unleashed her killer blow.
28:09I think the reason we wanted to show you that was because we were wondering
28:12how you might feel if Alex Reed then turns around and says
28:16that he wants to adopt the kids.
28:17No one is going to take my kids away from me.
28:20Nobody.
28:21Nobody is going to take my kids away from me
28:23and I will fight to the death for that.
28:25That probably would be televised on ITV2 to be honest.
28:28Oh and this is brutal stuff, Andre's really putting up a battle here
28:31he's going to fight to the death, that's it, kick him in the knuckers Andre.
28:35Anyway nevertheless Peter Andre didn't see the funny side.
28:37I don't really want to talk about this okay?
28:40Sorry.
28:41We didn't mean to upset you, are you okay?
28:43Yep, I'm fine.
28:45Talk to me about the tour.
28:47Um.
28:49Oh yes, we have wet face, we have wet face.
28:52Okay, can we um, I'd rather just stop this if that's alright.
28:56You want to stop?
28:57Yep, thank you.
28:58Chuck him some sympathy.
28:59Okay well we're sorry that we've upset you.
29:00No, no it's okay, thank you.
29:02Okay that's enough, get him out of there.
29:03Thanks very much for coming in.
29:06We'll see you in a second.
29:07Ah well done Kay, I think the Pulitzer's in the bag.
29:10Well that's all we've got time for this week, goodnight.
29:20The all new season 3 of Mad Men continues here on BBC4 tomorrow at 10.
29:27There's a little taster of what's in store coming right up in just a moment.
29:30And next tonight stay with us for dinner with Portillo.