Charlie Brooker's Newswipe. S01 E03.
First broadcast 8th April 2009.
Charlie Brooker looks at news anchors and how their styles have changed over the years, including reflecting on how they do it over in America.
Charlie Brooker
Tim Key
Adam Curtis
Charlie Brooker looks at news anchors and how their styles have changed over the years, including reflecting on how they do it over in America.
Charlie Brooker
Tim Key
Adam Curtis
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Newswiper Program all about what's been going
00:27on like this. Sound of smashing glass drowned out by sound of snapping cameras. World leaders
00:36pose for photo with Obama like they're on a f*****g log flume ride. And, well, yeah,
00:44there you go. Anyway, we start here. If all the world's a stage, then TV news anchors
00:51are the Greek chorus, tying proceedings together with their dramatic narrative skills and stern
00:55sense of authority. TV news is theatre, essentially. It's showbiz. Modern news anchors have a background
01:02in journalism, but that wasn't always the case. It wasn't really until the late 70s
01:06that seasoned reporters started to become the main face of the BBC bulletins, faces
01:10we still recognise today. Most of the first news readers on the BBC really were news readers,
01:16not journalists. All they were required to do was turn up and read the script as clearly
01:20as possible. Thing is, they didn't really need to be anything more than loose addiction
01:25fact-shitting machines, because all they were doing, essentially, was queuing up short
01:28pieces of film. They never had to throw live to a reporter in the field or interview a
01:32politician on air. Consequently, many of the familiar newsroom faces had side jobs, such
01:37as warm-throated dapper chap about London town Richard Baker here, who, when he wasn't
01:41telling us about Lieutenant William Calley, who'd been convicted of killing 22 civilians
01:45in My Lai in South Vietnam... Lieutenant William Calley, who was convicted of killing 22 civilians
01:50in My Lai in South Vietnam... Doubled as the narrator for charming genteel cardboard
01:55kiddy wink cartoon Mary Mungo and Midge. There's Mary. There's Mungo. And there's Midge, who
02:04was convicted of killing 22 civilians at My Lai in South Vietnam. The two modes were kept
02:11entirely separate. There was the stern, neutral Android mode for when you were presenting
02:16the news, and the chummy village hall gang show mode for the odd variety special. And
02:23then, sometime in the early 80s, that all changed. Roundabout Breakfast Time. The BBC's
02:28Breakfast Time was the first news show with a cosy, and some might say eerie, welcome
02:32to our lovely home feel about it. I'll be back with more local news, travel and weather,
02:37in half an hour's time. Look forward to seeing you roundabout then. Bye for now. In today's
02:41multi-channel world with competing news networks, an anchor's personality matters more than
02:46ever. While there used to be celebrities outside of the news, now there's stars within
02:50it. Some are famous for being foxy, like foxy Natasha Kaplinski here, or Welsh like Hugh
02:55Edwards. Or tactless like Kay Burley, who's become famous for asking the questions no
03:00one once asked. Such as in a shocking interview with the ex-wife of the Suffolk Strangler
03:05in which she wondered... Five murders in six weeks. Do you think if he'd had a better sex
03:12life, he wouldn't have done this? Male news presenters are only allowed to come in one
03:17of two flavours. Either a terrifying Darth Vader harbinger of doom. Britain must take
03:23care to avoid becoming like Nazi Germany in the 1930s. Or a Heideli Hay Ned Flanders type.
03:30Seems that romance falters in this face of sleep deprivation. We know that on this programme.
03:35Oh yeah, that's it Turnbull, chuckle it up you gigglesome f**k. Female news readers meanwhile
03:40are mainly required to be young and attractive, especially if they're presenting as part of a
03:44duo. Then it seems the pair of them should vaguely resemble an ambitious pounting intern and her
03:49well-groomed sugar daddy. Although sometimes they come across as somewhat dysfunctional couples.
03:55More pictures coming in today showing even more dramatic lava flows coming from the ground.
04:00Flowing from the ground as Simon so helpfully pointed out. As opposed to somewhere else.
04:06The weather. Here's Liam. Hello. Whenever I watch ITV lunchtime news with Alasdair Stewart
04:14and Katie Derham, I feel like I've been called into their office for some sort of bollocking.
04:18Good afternoon, welcome to Thursday's lunchtime news. From the centre of government to the social
04:23worker on the front line, there was a strong and clear message to everyone involved in
04:27protecting children in England. Get on with it. What have I done? Still, the faces of British
04:33news may be stern, but at least they're sane. It's a different kettle of fish across the pond.
04:37We all know American news folk are better looking than ours. CBS News' Katie Couric's
04:42got so much milf appeal, even the cameraman can't help zooming in for a closer look.
04:46They're also big characters and with big characters comes big ego. With big ego comes
04:51big squabble. Take this astonishing showdown between two elder newsmen. So what do you want
04:57now? Well, if I have to teach you how to be a reporter, Ollie, I'll do that later. Oh,
05:02why don't you do that later, Jim? I think the lady expressed herself and you're not here,
05:06you're there. Is there any question you'd like me to ask her? No, I'll give you lessons on how
05:12to become a reporter later on. I'll give you some lessons on how to be an editor because I was your
05:15boss once. Yeah, you were and are no longer. How did that happen? American cable news is where the
05:20biggest characters of all reside. Take Silverhead Captain Sirius Keith Olbermann here, the portentous
05:26liberal showman of MSNBC. He's got an absurd sense of drama which made watching his show during the
05:31Bush era a bit like seeing a warm-hearted but angry suburban dad shout over the fence at the
05:36bloke next door who just happened to be president. You're a fascist. Get them to print you a t-shirt
05:41with fascist on it. Still, in terms of raw drama, the fair and balanced newsmen of dystopian future
05:47sci-fi satirical shouty porn sledgehammer channel Fox News win out every time. Fox generally leans
05:54more to the right than a man who's just had his right leg blown off and now Obama's in the White
05:58House, their commentators are getting to play the underdog at last. You believe this country is
06:02great but nobody is fighting for you? Let me tell you something, you don't need any guns for this
06:07revolution, you just need to stand up and find your voice. Come on, follow me. Although it's a curious
06:13kind of underdoggery where they complain about liberal bias in the media one moment and then
06:18brag about their cable dominance the next. Now to a dumb foreigner like me, all the Fox anchors look
06:23like characters in some 80s frat house comedy. For instance, Sean Hannity here would be cast as the
06:30uptight jock bully, witness his cold inked eyes which could have been surgically transplanted
06:34from a particularly characterless doormouse and his whiny peevish demeanor. We can't say enemy
06:39combatant, we can't say terrorist, we'll get to those things in a second. Now we're not going to
06:43use the term illegal immigrant? The disapproving high school principal would have to be Bill O'Reilly,
06:49moralizing about permissive society one minute. The Woodstock generation thought it was cool to
06:54get stoned. And chortling about lady bumps the next. Their pitch is beach friendly if you know
07:00what I mean and we believe they are patriots. When there's no tits to dribble over, Bill kills time
07:06by boasting about his ratings. Judging from our enormous ratings, I think we've been successful
07:12in doing that. Or plugging his myriad books. I do want to thank you all for keeping bold fresh on
07:18the bestseller list for more than six months. Or simply sitting there pulling a face like a
07:21tortoise that's learned to enjoy the stink of its own farts. But his primary characteristic is anger.
07:27Bill gets wound up by virtually anything to the left of Mussolini, hectoring and yowling like a
07:31wolf that's got his nuts caught on a coat hanger. See I'm more angry about it than you are. So what
07:36about George Bush? What about George Bush? You've nothing to do with it. Although he's clearly not
07:40quite as furious as he used to be around 20 years ago when he was presenting a show called Inside
07:46Edition which has become famous thanks to this notoriously unhinged outtake.
07:51Now I can't read it there's no there's no words on it.
07:57There's no words there to play us out. What does that mean to play us out?
08:03It's sting is going to do it's a video sting video.
08:08What is for credits? I don't know what that means to play us out. What does that mean?
08:13To end the show? Yeah.
08:16All right go go.
08:21That's tomorrow and that is that.
08:28That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we will leave you with a I can't do it.
08:35We'll do it live.
08:36This guy needs a goddamn blowjob. We'll do it live. Fuck it. Do it live. I'll write it and
08:43we'll do it live. Fucking thing sucks. In five four three. That's tomorrow and that is it for us
08:54today. I'm Bill O'Reilly. Thanks again for watching. We'll leave you with sting and a cut
08:58off his new album. Take it away. Oh that was fantastic Bill. Real professionalism. Real
09:04comfortable viewing. Really warm. Really connecting with the viewer there.
09:09Still if you think Bill O'Reilly is outrageous you haven't seen anything yet.
09:13This is recent Fox signing Glenn Beck who at first glance looks like a welcoming happy kind of chap.
09:18He effectively presents his commentary show in the style of a wacky neighbor from a bad sitcom.
09:23Although actually rather than a sitcom this is more like an out and out variety show replete
09:27with zany chuckles. You think that's gonna that ain't gonna happen. Table thumping conservative
09:33rhetoric. I think this makes a good case to shoot people on the battlefield. Well you got these guys
09:41we can't keep him in prison because they're not technically uh terrorists but they were in
09:47terrorist training camps. Were they fighting against us? Well they were they were in a
09:53terrorist training camp. Yeah I mean we go in you shoot them then. And toe-tapping patriotic
09:58country music. When I see people on my TV taking shots at Uncle Sam. I hope they always remember
10:09why they can. Because we'd all be speaking German or living under the flag of Japan.
10:18If it wasn't for the good lord and the man. Anyway so far you're probably thinking okay
10:24he's extremely right-wing but he's fairly sane. Yes because Beck isn't just a face of news he's a
10:31bona fide social crusader who started his own post-apocalyptic sounding 9-12 project aimed
10:36at bringing the nation together in a spirit of unity and hope and something and stuff. This
10:43is the 9-12 Project. Are you ready to be that person that you were that day after 9-11 on 9-12?
10:54I told you for weeks you're not alone. Now I don't know if you've seen the superb and prophetic
10:59movie Network in which Peter Finch played a news anchor who loses his mind and becomes a ranting
11:04raving rating smash after sinister bosses leave him on air. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going
11:10to take this anymore. This is basically like that but crazier and starring Paul Dramatic in a blonde
11:17wig. The real power to change America's course still resides with you. You are the secret.
11:22You're the answer. I'm sorry. I just love my country and I fear for it.
11:40It seems like the voices of our leaders and special interests and the media they're
11:49surrounding us it is it sounds intimidating or mental. The truth is they don't surround us.
11:58We surround them. This is our country. And now the weather from a talking oven club with a face on it.
12:07And now here's our special verse correspondent Tim Key
12:10with a little poem about Gordon Brown and Barack Obama.
12:19Which one's the glass one?
12:23Obama said.
12:30Brown granted. I sound like Brown. This was all in the Oval Office.
12:36You probably know, but that's an America.
12:41Which is made of glass smell.
12:47This Obama reached a finger into Brown's eye.
12:55His nails touched the glass or twice.
12:58Tappity tap. There was a sort of a magical sound. Obama smiled. Brown blinked.
13:17You've turned it into a real eye.
13:18Said Brown. Guilty. Conceded Obama. You clever swine. This is Brown. It's what I do. Obama.
13:43I'll take care of all the economic stuff.
13:45Brown. Swell. Obama. We'll be bloody unstoppable. Brown. So on.
14:06Politics.
14:08Okay, time for a little interactive section of the show now. I've got a question for you.
14:13I want you to lean in while I ask you it. Okay.
14:19The question is.
14:25Well, because I know I do, which is a bit of a hindrance. What with this being an age
14:29of global terror and everything. It's an age that juggles depressing televised updates
14:35about the situation in Iraq or Afghanistan with a bewildering number of rules brought
14:41in to help clamp down on our stupid terrorist-assisting civil liberties.
14:44That's why you need permission to protest within jizzing distance of Westminster,
14:47and you're not allowed to photograph policemen anymore. And why, under new legislation to be
14:51unveiled in the next 10 minutes, you won't be able to have a wee without the government
14:53training a camera on the very tip of your cock in case it's trying to piss in a subversive way.
14:57Yeah, wherever you look, terror colours the news with a deep, dark, depressing tint.
15:02Having officially kicked off in the wake of 9-11, the war on terror subsequently
15:05mutated into a crazy game of whack-a-mole as we were told the source of terror was this away,
15:11then that away, then this away again.
15:14First, we went into Afghanistan and hooray, we defeated the Taliban. The focus then shifted to
15:18Iraq and a ruddy great war which a less balanced voiceover than this might describe as an obscene
15:23and illegal blood-soaked folly predicated on megalomania and lies.
15:27But now we're told Iraq's calmed down again, our troops are being withdrawn,
15:30and then we're told that the people of Iraq are optimistic about their future,
15:34which may or may not be connected with this famous act of closure.
15:41You know, say what you like about Bush, he is shit-hot at dodging shoes,
15:44it's like he trained to do it for years at some secret CIA boot camp.
15:49Boot camp, you get it? Boot... ah, f*** you.
15:52Anyway, things down at Iraq Alley are apparently all so peachy,
15:55even tourists are returning in a sort of tour of duty free.
15:59Gina, you've bought a souvenir, let's have a look.
16:01It's been very difficult getting any postcards at all.
16:06I think the best bits were the Marsh Arabs, and Ur of the Chaldees, and Babylon.
16:14Have you felt safe?
16:15Oh yes!
16:16In fact, the war on terror has ended. Well, sort of, it's actually been re-branded
16:21as the Overseas Contingency Operation, which makes it sound less like an unending worldwide
16:27conflict, and more like the sort of job description some little apprentice,
16:31pipsqueak, twat contestant might put on their CV.
16:35Anyway, all things considered, things should be less scary now, right?
16:38Wrong.
16:39Because we're also told the situation in Afghanistan has become more dire than ever.
16:43The Afghan elections on August the 20th could prove to be a decisive moment,
16:46the Taliban are trying to create as much chaos as possible in advance of that date,
16:50probably in a bid to convince the population that the Allies can't stabilise things.
16:54Even sending in Grant Mitchell to try and stare the Taliban to death didn't work.
16:58I've just been hit. We're in the open.
17:03If even Grant finds it harrowing and terrifying, what hope is there?
17:07What are we going to send in next, Phil?
17:09On top of that, we're now told that neighbouring Pakistan is tilting towards chaos.
17:13You know things aren't going well for the world in general when a
17:16news network feels the need to create a Megadrive-style
17:19suicide bomber sprite that they can summon into being at the touch of a button.
17:23Anyway, in short, it seems the great game of whack-a-mole continues,
17:26with Afghanistan and the north-west of Pakistan now being treated as one collective mole.
17:32Still, if the politicians seem to be prepping the ground for yet more grim times and the
17:36public's so distrusting of more or less anything we're told after the whole
17:38embarrassing pack-of-lives-or-wrack-war business, well, maybe the news can fill
17:42the vacuum with balanced and insightful reporting. Yes, well, yes and no.
17:47Sky News recently spent three days bringing us a revelatory Pakistan special featuring
17:51some brave, and I'm talking literally physically brave,
17:54reporting from Stuart Ramsey and Alex Crawford.
17:56There was also a surreal piece from Jeremy Thompson from the Marriott Hotel,
17:59which, following a previous attack, now consists of a cross between an active
18:03war zone on the outside and the Ritz on the inside.
18:05Step through the checkpoints, the metal detector and the body search
18:09and you're into a very different world.
18:12The Pakistani capital's most prestigious five-star hotel.
18:16Plus lucid analysis from their foreign affairs editor, Tim Marshall.
18:20See, I'm keen not to sit here and go, oh, Sky News, that's just terrible, isn't it?
18:23Because it isn't. The thing is that the nature of rolling news means that
18:27it's often packaged together with alarming airport thriller imagery.
18:32We see endless looping replays of material taken from propaganda videos in which members of the
18:36Taliban were shown kicking an old look-in annual to death and shooting at an infidel circle.
18:42And less mockably footage of the Taliban beating people with sticks
18:46and clips of the moments just prior to beheadings and shootings.
18:50See, I am rational. I do know that Sharia law doesn't just consist of hitting people with sticks.
18:55It covers things like property and finance and so on.
18:58But it's the hitting people with sticks element that tends to
19:01stick in your mind a little when you watch things like this.
19:04Taken accumulatively, it only serves to fill me with a raw animal sense of panic.
19:09The end result, intentionally or otherwise, is to leave me in a state of helpless fear.
19:14I'd rather actively remain ignorant than be exposed to this.
19:18No wonder people want to ignore it and just watch anything else.
19:21That's what I want to do.
19:23Oh, look, that's better. This is cheerful. It's a lovely pony.
19:27Dusty's owners never came.
19:29Oh, no, it's a lonely pony.
19:33Neighbours is always uplifting. This will be good. I love them.
19:37Oh, shit, they've got guns.
19:39The word hill is coming in as well.
19:42Oh, brilliant. Psychic, f***ing psychic.
19:44Woo woo, babble, bloody reality denying bloody bullshit.
19:48How do you think the world got into this mess in the first place, you pricks?
19:52Oh, brilliant. Sylvester and Tweety Pie. I love them.
19:55Oh, no, wait a minute. It's one of the new ones. It's shit and awful.
19:59Oh, no, not you.
20:00We're being put through a refiner's fire.
20:02Some glorious miracles are going to happen in our life.
20:05I really, truly believe that.
20:07Oh, God, he's the worst thing in the world.
20:11And we're back here again. The circle's complete.
20:13This is horrible. Everything's horrible.
20:15There is no escape. Oh, dear.
20:17Oh, wait a minute. He's good looking.
20:19Now, are you finding the world's news too scary and depressing to bear?
20:23Yes.
20:24Do you tune in and simply think, oh, dear?
20:26Yeah.
20:27Yeah, I know you do because I am you, you dickhead.
20:30Dickhead.
20:31All right.
20:31Anyway, we've got a short film now on that very subject from Adam Curtis.
20:36Would you like to see it?
20:37Go on, then.
20:38Yeah, I thought you might, but before I show it to you,
20:40I've been asked to point something out in case you mistake views for facts.
20:44The following is a short film by the documentary maker Adam Curtis,
20:48the man behind The Power of Nightmares, The Century of the Self, and The Trap.
20:51It represents his personal and some might say controversial viewpoint.
20:56It's therefore his viewpoint.
20:58It's his viewpoint.
20:59It's his viewpoint.
21:00It's a man's viewpoint.
21:02It's not a big bunch of facts carved into a concrete block
21:06by a f***ing fact computer, all right?
21:08It's one man's viewpoint.
21:10Are you ready for it?
21:11Yes.
21:12Good.
21:12Here we go.
21:15Everyone knows that television news can be boring.
21:18That's because it's often about politics, which can be very dull.
21:23This unprecedented aid for Scottish mining, and no one else is getting it,
21:27comes at a time when the indicators show some difficulties for labour in Scotland.
21:31Book him, Danno.
21:33But these days, there is another problem with watching the news.
21:37Night after night, we are shown pictures of terrible things
21:39which we feel we can do nothing about.
21:42Images of civil wars, massacres and starving children,
21:46which leave us feeling helpless and depressed,
21:49and to which the only response is, oh dear.
21:53There is a name for this.
21:54It's called odierism.
21:57And this is the story of the rise of odierism in television news.
22:03It began with the rise of the counterculture in the 1960s.
22:13The radicals believed that all politics was corrupt because it always involved power.
22:21The radicals wanted to find a new way to connect directly with the dispossessed in the world,
22:26bypassing politicians.
22:29Their chance came in 1968 with the Biafran civil war in Africa.
22:34Western politicians were doing nothing as thousands starved.
22:38So a group of radicals began a campaign to rescue the dying children.
22:43Propaganda films were made that portrayed the conflict dramatically as a new holocaust.
22:48Celebrities held 48-hour vigils, and television news eagerly covered it.
22:53And then, Blue Peter held an appeal for Biafra,
22:57and the response astonished everyone.
23:01We asked for 144,000 parcels, and you'll never guess just how many we got.
23:06We got 1,444,000, and that is ten times more than our actual target.
23:14What Biafra began reached its high point in 1985 with Live Aid.
23:19Michael Burke's news reports of the Ethiopian famine had shocked the West.
23:23Bob Geldof then used television to create an extraordinary event of global altruism.
23:29It showed that we together could do more to save the world
23:33than our ineffectual and corrupted politicians.
23:49And it also made us feel good about ourselves.
23:55Those running Live Aid thought that they had transcended the corruption of politics.
24:00But actually, the money they raised may have had its own
24:03corrupting and destructive effects in Africa.
24:07The dictator of Ethiopia, Colonel Mengistu, was fighting a civil war,
24:12and some have claimed that he used Western aid to fund the war
24:16and to prolong it for a further six years.
24:19Médecins Sans Frontières has said that this may have led to as many deaths
24:23as were actually saved by the aid.
24:27But this wasn't reported because it was too complicated,
24:31and it wouldn't have made us feel good about ourselves.
24:37Go out.
24:41Then, in 1989, the West won the Cold War.
24:45The old political story of left versus right was finished.
24:50But reporters still needed a grand, simple story about the world,
24:53into which all the chaotic events and fragments of stuff
24:56that happen every day could be fitted.
25:00And waiting in the wings was the hippie counterculture view of the world.
25:04A view which saw everything as a struggle between innocent individuals
25:07and corrupt political systems.
25:10And TV news embraced it eagerly.
25:12And it worked.
25:14From the glorious revolutions in Eastern Europe,
25:17to the brave students in Tiananmen Square,
25:20through to the plucky Bosnians in the horror of Sarajevo,
25:24television news told a story of noble individuals
25:27bravely standing up against bad political systems.
25:33But this simple battle between good and evil couldn't last.
25:37And it finally cracked back where it first began,
25:40in Africa.
25:42In 1994, the Hutus massacred millions of Tutsis in Rwanda.
25:47In the wake of the massacres, millions of refugees flooded into the Congo.
25:52Western aid workers and television crews also flooded in,
25:56to help the innocent victims.
25:59But they soon discovered that many of them weren't innocent at all.
26:03They were the evil Hutus who had killed millions of the Tutsis.
26:07When people crossed the border, we all knew very well that among them,
26:11there were murderers, there were people that were helping.
26:14Every time we give out food, every time we give out health services,
26:18we know that among the people that we're helping, there are murderers.
26:22Then the Tutsis invaded the camps to get their revenge.
26:26But instead of behaving like good victims,
26:28they too carried out terrible massacres.
26:31And a horrific war began, in which four and a half million people died.
26:35And everyone was evil, even the children.
26:41And that had a terrible effect on television news.
26:45Because when there weren't any good or innocent people to support any longer,
26:49the kind of news reporting invented in the 90s made no sense.
26:54Because the news had given up reporting them as political struggles,
26:57it meant there was now no way to understand why these terrible events were happening.
27:01And instead, political conflicts around the world, from Darfur to Gaza,
27:06are now portrayed to us as simple illustrations of the mindless cruelty of the human race,
27:12about which nothing can be done, and to which the only response is, oh dear.
27:21It's like living in the mind of a depressed hippie.
27:24It's like living in the mind of a depressed hippie.
27:31Well that's about all we've got time for this week, and, what does that mean?
27:36On the teleprompter, whatever the words mean.
27:39To play us out, what does that mean?
27:40Play us out, it's the link.
27:41Well like the end of the show?
27:42Yeah, it's the end of the show.
27:43Right, OK, go, go, go, go, alright.
27:46Well that's about all we've got time for this week, and now to...
27:49Well, it doesn't, look, I can't, I can't do this, alright?
27:52Do you want to do something?
27:53Alright, look, we'll do it live.
27:55Alright, f*** it, we'll do it live!
27:57I'll write it and we'll do it live, alright?
28:00F***ing thing sucks!
28:05Well that's about all we've got time for this week,
28:07and now to play us out, it's the end theme music.
28:10Thanks for watching, goodnight.
28:19And we're sticking with the newsreaders next tonight,
28:27as it's a brave new world for Emily Maitlis.
28:30She's introduced to the Queen of Country and the Godfather,
28:32amongst other things, in I've Never Seen Star Wars.
28:35Next.