ALF - 092. Es war einmal ein Komiker
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I am proud to present to you today a special comedian.
00:07Straight back from his prison tour, Larry Slotkin.
00:17Thank you very much, Seth. The polyester jacket looks really good on you.
00:23No, I don't think so.
00:27Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to see that?
00:30No, we're just sitting here and warming up the sofa cushions.
00:34Well, I think Kate is better with that number.
00:38Alf, we like this show. We think it's funny.
00:40Now stop it!
00:42In front of the prisoners you can make everyone laugh.
00:46Especially in Canada.
00:48I'm funnier than all the guys who perform there.
00:51You're not.
00:53Then pay attention. A rabbi, a priest and an atheist meet in a bar.
00:58You're funny, you're funny, but don't tell us that again.
01:01Friends always say that you're funny, even if you're not, as you just saw.
01:06No, a good comedian is only after years of hard work and great personal sacrifices.
01:12I have no idea about great sacrifices.
01:15But I've never been afraid of hard work.
01:18Ha, ha, ha.
01:21See? You're already laughing.
02:29Ha, ha, ha.
02:32Alf, it's one o'clock in the morning.
02:35Please, don't disturb me.
02:37Are you going to keep typing all night?
02:39Oh, you're just there. I've written some really crazy jokes.
02:43If I bring them, everyone will laugh.
02:47I'm really not in a good mood right now.
02:50But please, let's bring it behind us.
02:53Okay, sit down.
02:56Have any of you ever been to a fast food restaurant?
03:00They were a disaster at the mail market.
03:03If you wanted your cat to be particularly crispy, you'd get one with joint rheumatism.
03:09Ha, ha, ha.
03:12Alf, I'll give you some advice.
03:14Try another job, which in your case is just a way of talking.
03:20Yeah.
03:22As if he had any sense of humor.
03:25Our Mr. Roh.
03:27I've just come across a funny wordplay in the sociological monthly journal.
03:33I'm funny. I am.
03:36I could be a comedian. I'm funny.
03:39I'm laughing to death.
03:41Do you want to hear a really strong joke?
03:43Yes!
03:44Ha, ha, ha.
03:47I've just bought a new car.
03:49It's not really new, it's a new one, pretty useful.
03:51Hello, I'm Alf.
03:53The most annoying comedian here in the shop.
03:56I'm supposed to be on stage in front of the fat sack.
03:58Oh, damn.
04:00My name is Howie Anderson.
04:03I sweat when I'm nervous.
04:06I hope the stage has a good drain.
04:09This is the first time I perform.
04:12My nerves are fluttering.
04:14Now don't fall into disrepair.
04:17I know, you're just starting, too.
04:19But really funny.
04:20You already look like a star.
04:23Can you give me any tips?
04:25I, at your place, baby, would bring out my belly.
04:31Your belly?
04:32Yeah, that could work.
04:34Thank you.
04:35Oh, not at all.
04:37You're just lucky.
04:38I look way too normal to be able to do that.
04:44Okay.
04:45And now I'm happy to announce another newcomer.
04:48He works under the name Gordon Alf Shumway.
04:58Thank you very much, Sid.
05:00Now you can show what's in you.
05:03So, have any of you ever been to a fast food restaurant?
05:07They were a disaster in Melmark.
05:09If you wanted your cat to be particularly crispy,
05:12you'd get one with joint rheumatism.
05:17Did you know that the National Library of Melmark is on fire?
05:21Both books are on fire.
05:24And the second one wasn't even painted.
05:32So, I can tell you, women, am I wrong?
05:35This is my girlfriend, Rhonda.
05:37I could always tell when she was angry,
05:39by the way her fur was strewn on her buttocks.
05:46Gordon, I have to interrupt you.
05:48I mean, I've been running comedy clubs for ages,
05:50but you have really reinvented comedy for America.
05:59Before you continue with your humor,
06:01I have someone here who is eager to get to know you.
06:04This is Brandon Tartikoff.
06:06So, welcome.
06:10Brandon who?
06:11Tartikoff.
06:12I'm the program director at NBB.
06:14Ah, Brandon.
06:15People are waiting for me.
06:17Good, good, good.
06:18So, straight to the point.
06:20You're very funny.
06:21We'd like to give you a comedy show of our own.
06:25Well, I don't know about television.
06:27I actually thought about doing a film career.
06:30Well, maybe as Rambo 8.
06:32Stop it.
06:33We're doing everything we can to make you work for us.
06:36Seriously.
06:38We need you.
06:40Well, I can imagine that.
06:42With that stupid program.
06:46So, what is it?
06:47Are you in?
06:49No.
06:50And next time, turn to my agents.
06:52You've been in business long enough to know how it works.
06:56I'm sorry.
06:57I've gone too far.
06:59Hey, how did he get in here?
07:01There's no facial control here.
07:04Wait a minute.
07:07Alf, you were wonderful.
07:09I had to dig my nails into the armrest
07:11so I wouldn't fall.
07:14Willi, one day you're going to explode.
07:19Alf, you've reinvented comedy for America.
07:23It's unbelievable that I doubted you.
07:25I know that I'm very often wrong,
07:27but it's never been so bad.
07:29It's already good.
07:31I didn't expect that from you.
07:35Oh, Alf.
07:37Can't you go out with me?
07:39Then the cool guys would lose their eyes.
07:42It depends.
07:43What would I get out of it?
07:45Well, you'd make them all happy.
07:49No, really?
07:59Yes.
08:15Here's a man from Texas.
08:17He calls you a genius.
08:19He even wrote that on the envelope.
08:22Check if there's money in it and throw the letter away.
08:26The makers of Charles is the Boss are on the phone.
08:28They want you to appear in their show.
08:30Tell them that if they fire Scott Bayo
08:32and call the show Alf is the Boss,
08:34I'll think about it.
08:37Okay, thank you, Alf.
08:39Barbara Waters is on the phone.
08:41Will you take part in their Oscar-giving gala?
08:44Am I the only guest?
08:46No, Marlon Brando and Margaret Thatcher are also invited.
08:49Rejected.
08:51Oh, it never stops.
08:54I need my peace.
08:56Alf, do we have to go back to the kitchen?
08:58You know what belongs to you.
09:01It's Mrs. Ogmonik.
09:03Stay.
09:07Where did you hide him?
09:08Oh, there he is.
09:13I burst out laughing at your sight.
09:15I'll say thank you right away.
09:18Mr. Schambe, would you be so kind to come over to our bridge club?
09:22We all adore you.
09:24I could have said yes a few weeks ago,
09:26but now I have a better idea.
09:31His sense of humor is really divine.
09:34Could I at least have an autographed picture of you?
09:37Brian, I personally don't give autographs,
09:41but I will touch the photo for you.
09:46Well, I'll go over now.
09:48Thank you very much, Mr. Schambe.
09:51No need to thank me.
09:52Just look for money and throw it out.
09:56He improvised for me.
09:59I hope I can come back soon.
10:02I'll call you beforehand.
10:05Well, I'm going to the racetrack now.
10:08I'm going to dust a few bags in front of my knee.
10:13What about the Oscar for your life's work,
10:15which will be given to you tonight?
10:17Didn't you want to prepare a speech of thanks for it?
10:19I improvise.
10:21Oh, and don't mind that I didn't invite you to the party.
10:25You know why.
10:27Because we said you wouldn't be funny.
10:31That's how it is.
10:33And now get out of your seats.
10:35Into the garage.
10:39And leave my things alone.
10:49Thank you very much.
10:55Thank you very much.
10:57Tonight, the prize of the audience will be given to a man
11:01who has revolutionized a field of entertainment, comedy.
11:05Gordon Alp Schambe has a whole era of comedy,
11:09which has been going on for three days now.
11:12Unfortunately, I have to tell you
11:14that Gordon has not yet joined us,
11:16but he has received a call from his car phone.
11:19Oh, they signal to me,
11:21Gordon has entered the building.
11:32Thank you very much.
11:34Well, are you still moderating the weather map?
11:37Could it be that you are confusing me with someone?
11:40Oh, I'm really sorry,
11:42but he looks just like a weather frog, doesn't he?
11:46Get out of your seat, little one.
11:51Well, I'm not a big talker,
11:53but I'm a popular entertainer.
11:55So I do what I can best.
11:57I make a few jokes.
12:01Has any of you ever been to a fast-food restaurant?
12:05They were a disaster on the Melmark.
12:08If you wanted your cat to be very crisp,
12:10you got one with joint cleaner.
12:12Crackle, crackle, bing, bing.
12:16Hey, Gordon!
12:18Tell us something new!
12:20Something new?
12:22Yes, something you haven't told us a hundred times.
12:25Oh, you want to hear something new?
12:27Are you sure?
12:28Ha, have you actually heard
12:30that the National Library of Melmark has been burned down?
12:33Yes!
12:38Okay, okay.
12:40Say hi if you already know him.
12:42Ice! Ice! Ice!
12:50This is the reward for offering you
12:52the best three days of my life.
12:55Idiots!
13:06Alf brings the show business to a complete halt.
13:10Alf doesn't get the audience award.
13:16Givens says, next, please.
13:23Tell Ms. Wolters that I'm ready
13:25to take part in her show now.
13:27My name is Alf.
13:30A-L-F.
13:35A few days ago, I was a superstar.
13:39You know very well
13:41that I don't go where the pepper grows.
13:45Am I crazy?
13:47Or is my career really in the bucket?
13:49Alf, Woody Allen called.
13:51He said, since he saw you,
13:53he knew why he would never work for television.
13:56Seriously?
13:58Woody said that about me?
14:00Stop it.
14:02You're out of the window.
14:04No, I'm definitely not out of the window.
14:06Not yet.
14:08Alf, is it possible that you're as famous
14:10as you thought you were?
14:12Andy Warhol said, anyone could be famous
14:14for a quarter of an hour.
14:16But I want to be famous for more than 15 minutes.
14:19Even our president has four years
14:21to build crap.
14:2410 YEARS LATER
14:3510 years later, somewhere on the land.
14:39Rudolf and his flipping plates.
14:41Conference. Gordon Alshamwe.
14:44Sweet, sweet, sweet.
14:47A sweet, sweet, sweet.
14:50And a sweet...
14:52Yes.
14:54The time is up. Now I'm drinking.
15:00Come on.
15:02Yes, that's good, that's good.
15:04Stop it, or there will be an addition.
15:11Well, I have a few announcements to make.
15:13Bingo starts at 7 o'clock.
15:15Not at 6.
15:17Second, if anyone takes the F from the board again,
15:20there will be trouble.
15:22I'm Alf, not Aal.
15:25So, have you ever been to a fast food restaurant?
15:29They were a disaster at the fair.
15:31If you wanted your cat to be particularly crispy,
15:33you got one with joint cleaner.
15:37No problemo.
15:40Short break.
15:43I'm going to step out of my role to make something clear.
15:47I'll tell you a joke.
15:49You were funny 10 years ago.
15:51You are still funny today.
15:53So you should laugh every now and then.
15:55I'll continue now.
15:57Have you ever heard that the National Library of Melmark...
16:02Hey, hey, hey, barkeeper.
16:04One moment, I'm in the middle of my number.
16:07We'd much rather listen to the mixer.
16:14Where is the drink for my wife?
16:16Hey, when I'm done, you'll get a barrel from me.
16:21What do you mean by that?
16:24That was a joke.
16:27Am I the only one here who has a funk humor?
16:31Is that supposed to be funny?
16:33I know that's too high for you.
16:35Your grip is just enough to reach the bar counter.
16:38That's enough.
16:40I'll take the microphone from you now and then I'll...
16:43Hey, if there's a fight here, I'll throw you out.
16:46Yes, give it to him.
16:48I'm talking to you, chamois.
16:52You go to table four and wipe the puke.
16:55Hey, Mr. Bovaryakov.
16:57There are certain things I don't do.
16:59Good, then you're fired.
17:01However, wiping the puke is not part of it.
17:06Hey, there's Howie Anderson, the joke bomb.
17:10Howie! Howie! Howie!
17:13Oh, how I enjoy this.
17:15Hey, let's have some jokes, Howie.
17:17Oh, I'm just a guest here.
17:19Actually, I didn't want to perform, but if you insist...
17:29Good.
17:30I have aerobics lessons in the morning, so bring it on.
17:34That means I don't really have time for aerobics because of my hobbies.
17:38I love buffets with unlimited dessert.
17:40That's one of my hobbies.
17:42But not because of the food.
17:44I just like to scare the waiters.
17:47That's why I ordered from you.
17:48They stared at me as if I wanted to squander the whole buffet for 5.99.
17:53And just because they look like that, I go there.
17:55When I come, I kick the door open and shout,
17:57Do I have a cold?
17:59Do I have a cold?
18:02Yes, if I were so fat, you would laugh at me too.
18:06This insulted voice seems familiar to me.
18:08Do we know each other?
18:10No, there are many people who look like me.
18:14You are Alf.
18:15We started together.
18:17Comedians from all over the world are at his fault.
18:20When we are tired or lazy and too much,
18:23then we ask ourselves, should we end like Alf?
18:26And then we tear up together.
18:28Thank you, Alf.
18:31Oh, shut up!
18:50Maybe he can tell us where Alf is.
18:53Excuse me, sir.
18:56Hey!
18:57Excuse me, sir.
18:59Hey!
19:00What are you doing here?
19:02Alf!
19:03Maybe that's a surprise.
19:04It's been 10 years.
19:06How are you?
19:09Great!
19:10It couldn't be better.
19:12Alf!
19:14Oh, that!
19:15This is your new sketch I'm working on.
19:18Watch out!
19:19It's a joke.
19:20You'll laugh at me.
19:22Stop it!
19:23We know you've been working here for the last 10 years.
19:26Why didn't you call us, Alf?
19:29I have my pride, too.
19:31After all, Lynn became a producer.
19:34And Brian even has his own TV series.
19:37I thought you'd assume I wanted something from you.
19:40Oh, we would have been happy about your call.
19:42Seriously?
19:44Hey, Bri!
19:45Is there a guest appearance in your series for me?
19:48I can't do much, Alf.
19:51My name is Alf, Brian.
19:54Call the crew office of my series.
19:58If you want your attic back, Alf...
20:00Stop it, Willy!
20:02Hey!
20:03I've heard a lot about the MGM Lynn Studios.
20:06You really did it!
20:08Thank you.
20:09I just didn't feel like playing the tips anymore.
20:13Can I play along in a movie?
20:15I would also play the sponge in Bo Derek's Whirlpool.
20:20Too bad.
20:21The part is already over.
20:22I'm sorry.
20:26Eric!
20:27Where is Eric?
20:29Eric?
20:30Well, Eric has a lot to do now,
20:32since he was hired for Sylvester Stallone.
20:34No!
20:35Please don't finish that sentence.
20:37It's...
20:38It's enough.
20:39Willy!
20:40Didn't you say I could have my attic back?
20:44If you want to move in with us again, Alf would be happy.
20:48Oh, are you serious, amigo mio?
20:51Let's go home now, Alf.
20:53Henry!
20:55Do you want to make a scene here?
20:58I'm going back to the San Fernando Valley,
21:01where people think I'm weird.
21:03We don't think you're weird.
21:06Don't act like that now.
21:08You belong here.
21:10From now on,
21:11there will be pay.
21:14Really?
21:16Don't listen to him, Alf.
21:17He's only offering you a shabby nightclub,
21:19where you can play the idiot for him.
21:21And shove four mice in for an hour.
21:24You can't let him humiliate you so much.
21:28You'll even get your ass back from me.
21:32Don't listen to him, Alf.
21:34Come home with us.
21:36What?
21:37And let my star career rot?
21:40That's out of the question.
21:43I was weird.
21:45I was weird.
21:46Alf!
21:47I was weird.
21:48What happened to you?
21:50I was...
21:51Oh, Willy.
21:53I had a nightmare.
21:56I was a comedian in a show,
21:58and I had to throw up for it.
22:01Listen,
22:02I'm going to quit my career as a comedian.
22:05I hope you're not too disappointed.
22:07Oh, we're lucky that you dirty dancing on the grass.
22:10We're lucky that you dirty dancing on the grass.
22:12We'll get over it.
22:14Thank you.
22:16I just realized,
22:17I look too good to be weird.
22:20I envy you, Kate.
22:23Thank you.
22:26What?
22:27You know what I mean.
22:30Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes.
22:33And you need coal steam for that.
22:35Coal steam!
22:36Coal steam!
22:39Hurry up.
22:40The Brian Show is about to start.
22:42No!
22:45No.
22:47No.
22:54Well, at least Woody Allen made me.
22:58I'm going to quit my career as a comedian.
23:01I think I'd rather juggle with plates.
23:03Exactly.
23:06I think I'd rather juggle with plates.
23:10Nash Bridges
23:11Get them all.
23:13Now.