2024.S01E02
Transcript
00:00Welcome to Sweethearts.
00:26How can we service you?
00:27Hi.
00:29Uh, my name's, uh, Stephen.
00:31I-I-I'm calling about, um...
00:32Hey, Stephen.
00:33Thank you for choosing us.
00:40I was just on your, um...
00:42website, and I noticed, uh...
00:45jazz?
00:45Oh, jazz is fantastic.
00:48What would you like to do with her?
00:53Oh, um...
00:55girlfriend experience?
00:57That's called...
00:59kissing?
01:00It does.
01:01Uh, jazz can be seen today, if you'd like.
01:03Oh.
01:04Or at camp.
01:05Oh.
01:06Yeah, okay.
01:07Great.
01:08Oh, and Stephen, we don't do lineups or unplanned walk-ins
01:12like most brothels.
01:13This is about the safety of our women.
01:15And if you're late or a no-show,
01:18you will be charged.
01:19Oh, okay.
01:20So it's quite, um, strict.
01:26Now, when you arrive, you wait in your car for my text
01:29to confirm jazz is ready.
01:32Then you walk over to the beach room,
01:34you'll knock on the door,
01:35and wait for jazz to answer it.
01:40She will let you in.
01:41You'll discuss any extras that you'd like.
01:44Then you'll pay up front and take a shower.
01:47Remember, it's her room, Stephen, and her rules.
01:51Either of you can withdraw consent at any time.
01:55Have fun.
01:57Oh, my God, you actually turned up.
02:12We've literally had one client since we've opened.
02:15People always take time to get on board with change.
02:19Well, single parenting is expensive.
02:21Advertising's been tough,
02:22but we expect to be up on the Kiwi Chicks website
02:24by the end of the week.
02:25We might be ethical and idealistic,
02:28but we are still a viable business, so...
02:30Yeah, it's just cos some of the other girls,
02:32not naming names,
02:33have been saying that you're full of shit.
02:35Yeah, that's funny.
02:37Totally get it.
02:39As long as we start making money.
02:42Like, soon.
02:44Do you know how expensive it is to be this hairless?
02:48This puffed?
02:49This hot, perfect, flawless perfection?
02:51Word is getting out, slowly, but surely.
02:54Oh, cool, cos this is all, you know, quite new.
02:57Absolutely, for all of us.
02:59But you are doing great.
03:01Yeah, but I haven't done anything.
03:04Yeah, but you're thinking about it.
03:07So on a scale from one to ten, how fucked are we?
03:10I promise you, this is not just a dream.
03:12This, it's gonna work.
03:15Trust me, please.
03:20Oh.
03:23PHONE VIBRATES
03:31PHONE VIBRATES
03:34MUSIC PLAYS
03:53MUSIC STOPS
03:55Excuse me?
03:57Mac?
03:59Sharon, is it?
04:02You do realise that this is a daycare?
04:05Yeah.
04:06And yours is a...
04:07Brothel.
04:11Uh, well, I'm a feminist.
04:14Same.
04:16But I've started a petition to get you shut down.
04:18Yes, I know that. You CC'd me in.
04:21Well, I'd hate to appear anything but transparent.
04:24God forbid.
04:33I was thinking about getting an undercut.
04:35Is that, like, a Brazilian?
04:36German, I think.
04:51MUSIC CONTINUES
04:59Baby, come on.
05:03Don't you miss me?
05:05Wait, what?
05:07What the fuck?
05:08What did he say?
05:10Is he gonna come here?
05:11No.
05:13Dion's told our regulars that he caught us
05:15scraping semen from used condoms.
05:18So we're fucked.
05:20We're not fucked.
05:22No drunks, no creeps, no line-ups,
05:25no walk-ins, no clients, no money.
05:27It's one thing to tell some violent fucker to go jump,
05:31but no line-ups?
05:32That's just bad business.
05:34Uh, I think you'll find that we're starting a revolution.
05:39And I will not have my girls compared to each other
05:42like pigs at a fair.
05:45Hello, is this the Featherton Bay Retirement Village?
05:48Yeah.
05:49My name is Mackenzie Lee.
05:51I actually wanted to offer your residents
05:53the services of my new business.
05:56It's called Sweetheart, and it's a brothel.
05:59As a number of your residents may not have had sex
06:01for some decades, I figured it could be a...
06:05Hi there, is this Dennis Hall,
06:08head of the, um, Featherton Bay Lions Club?
06:11Yeah, you got it.
06:12Great, listen, I have started a brothel.
06:15I'm not saying change your speed-dating night,
06:17I'm just suggesting that we could piggyback
06:19some advertising on it and offer you
06:22a little sweet discount offer.
06:24Oh, hi, is this the Carnivorous Plant Society?
06:27Hi, is this the Theological Society?
06:30Hi, is this the North Island Dentist Association?
06:33How do you guys feel about jumping into some sexy time?
06:37I've, uh, started an ethical brothel,
06:39and I think our values completely align.
06:42Uh, no, this is not a God thing.
06:44It's more of a get laid thing.
06:46Oh, no, no, I get it.
06:49Thanks.
06:53We've reached out to high-needs communities,
06:56widower groups, and people who listen to Joe Rogan.
06:59And got no bookings.
07:01PHONE RINGS
07:05What the hell?
07:07Oh. Mm-hmm.
07:09Answer the phone, take the call.
07:11I am not letting creeps into sweethearts.
07:14Are these all criminals?
07:15No, just people who sound ethically...
07:17Like mashed at coal.
07:18Drunk, high, perverted.
07:20That's everyone.
07:21No, it's not.
07:22Listen, as soon as our Kiwi Chicks advertising goes live,
07:26the men will come.
07:27On our tits.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:41Here you go, partner.
07:43Oh, no.
07:44How are you feeling about it all?
07:46What?
07:47I know, I know.
07:49I know.
07:50It can feel like you're crawling up poo mountain
07:53and you've hit your limit.
07:55But new businesses take time
07:57and you have the support of a good man.
07:59Not just emotionally and spiritually,
08:02but financially.
08:05Hmm.
08:07Do you know that the Kiwi Chicks website charges 25K a year?
08:11What?
08:12It's New Zealand's top escort booking site.
08:15They have offered a 10K discount.
08:18I guess that's something.
08:19But apparently the owner is quite taken with the idea of feminist sex work.
08:24Oh.
08:25Great.
08:26PHONE RINGS
08:28Hey, Chompy.
08:29Hey, Joe's having a group of us over.
08:31Wait.
08:32I'm heading there now.
08:33No, you're not.
08:34You're home with Toby tonight.
08:35I'm his brother, not his carer.
08:36If you and Dad can't be here, we should book cash.
08:38Yeah, well, your father and I are working really hard right now.
08:41It's not my fault you decided to take over a stupid motel business while Dad's away.
08:45It's not...
08:47Listen, you should just be grateful that you have two working parents.
08:50Whatever. Bye.
08:55Chompy?
08:56No.
08:58Chomsky.
08:59The basketballer.
09:01Yeah.
09:12So, are you one of the sweethearts?
09:15I heard about you guys opening up and thought I'd better come down and book a girlfriend experience.
09:19Hi, ladies.
09:20Hi.
09:21Checking in.
09:24Looking for sweethearts.
09:26How can I help you?
09:27Yeah, could I pick a girl to bonk?
09:31Sure.
09:33On this.
09:34Oh.
09:35You want me to bonk on here?
09:38Hey, can I just pick one?
09:40No, we don't do line-ups.
09:43It looks like a line-up to me.
09:46No.
09:49All right.
09:53Let's see here.
09:56Amethyst.
09:58Nope.
09:59Jess.
10:00I don't know about the tattoos.
10:02Nope.
10:03Nope.
10:04Oh, yeah, Goldie's pretty hot.
10:06Yeah.
10:08She old?
10:11She's mature.
10:12Oh, yeah, experience counts for something, eh?
10:14I like to think so.
10:18I'd blow my beans up that.
10:21Yeah.
10:23Sign me up for her right now.
10:27Oh, yeah, but, um, Goldie, she is very skillful.
10:35Oh.
10:38Do you know what I mean?
10:39Yeah.
10:40Yeah, no, I know.
10:41Pick up what you're saying.
10:42Yeah, is she, uh, free now, or?
10:44Uh, no.
10:45We don't do walk-ins.
10:46Eh?
10:47I just walked in.
10:49Did you just give away one of my clients?
10:51Hey, you can have him.
10:52He's Goldie's client.
10:54Some of us have kids.
10:55Yeah, we all need the money.
10:56Um, excuse me, just because you've spawned
10:58doesn't mean you're more worthy.
11:00Some of us have bills.
11:01What does that mean?
11:02It means your parents bought you a house in Tomatata.
11:04Yeah, well, I pay utilities.
11:06Come on, ladies.
11:07You're supposed to be feminists.
11:08So are you.
11:09Oh.
11:11OK, let's get this show on the road.
11:15So as you can imagine, trying to change
11:17the culture of the industry has us coming up
11:19against a certain level of inertia.
11:21Feminists running the asylum, eh?
11:23Had to see this one for myself.
11:24Here it is.
11:25Think how much more traffic your site could get with.
11:28Yeah, so where are them bra-burning girlies at?
11:30Let's get some pickies.
11:33Oh, no, I've already taken their photos,
11:35so I will send you over the file.
11:37Yeah, but I might need some different photos.
11:39Also need photos that include their faces
11:41with their real names at the bottom.
11:44Don't worry, they're not going to go online.
11:45It's just so I know your girlies aren't catfish.
11:47Otherwise, how am I going to know?
11:51You could meet them.
11:54So, how do you know which sides to use?
12:01Do you sneak a peek before showers?
12:04Just look at his ears.
12:06What?
12:07A man's ears have a direct correlation to his penis size.
12:11I've never heard of this.
12:14Really?
12:15No.
12:16Oh, yeah.
12:17So it's the smaller the ear, the bigger the dick.
12:21Stop winding her up, you bitch.
12:27Condom sizes are all different.
12:29Line them up inside the bedside drawer.
12:31Once you've seen the pen, you can easily grab the one you need.
12:33Yeah.
12:34Then you have to shove it up fast and do a little dance.
12:40We are no longer advertising on kiwi chicks.
12:43But that's what all brothels use.
12:44Yes, but we are on other websites.
12:46Literally 100% of Shadow's online bookings came from kiwi chicks.
12:49Look, apart from the fact that he wants us to sign an exclusivity clause,
12:52which I'm not even sure is legal, he wants photos of you all.
12:55Yeah, so guys know what we look like when they book us to diddle.
12:59No, not photos for the ads.
13:01Photos of your faces holding signs that say your real names.
13:05Insurance, apparently.
13:06He does that for everyone. It's just for his personal wank bank.
13:09Or he gets off on power and uses them to blackmail you all into fucking him.
13:14Either way, ethically, it is masticle.
13:17Okay.
13:19Well, I eat masticole for breakfast.
13:22Just give it up.
13:23Your feminist brothel is a massive boner killer.
13:26And you're making us broke with your ethical bullshit.
13:40Oh, God. Gnome.
13:41I gotta go. I will be back soon.
13:43That's our madam.
13:47Ooh.
14:04Hey, it's Gnome. Leave me a message or not.
14:06Gnome, where the fuck are you?
14:18I swear to God, Gnome, if you don't get home right now,
14:21I am changing the password on the Wi-Fi permanently.
14:27Hi. You okay? Gnome said it was an emergency.
14:30It wasn't. I'm sorry.
14:32He didn't say you were here. I thought Toby was alone.
14:35Should I go or...
14:37Oh, no.
14:38I'll stay. I'm happy to stay.
14:40Really?
14:41Yeah, it's no problem.
14:44You good, Toby?
14:46Okay, great. Just a couple of hours. I'll make up the difference.
14:48Fine. Bye.
14:49Thank you.
15:01You okay?
15:04Yeah, I'm good.
15:15Hey.
15:36Hey. Hey, you've had a couple of clients, eh?
15:39Any tips?
15:41Honestly, I only had one client and I just wanked him off under a tea towel.
15:48Marcus is here. Okay.
15:50You ready, Goldie?
15:52No.
15:53Oh. No?
15:55No.
15:56Goldie, I kind of went out on a limb for you on this one.
15:59I know technically I only work for the motel,
16:02but let's not blur those human trafficking lines, eh?
16:06I'm really not ready.
16:09Yeah.
16:10Cool.
16:12All good.
16:13Tui, he's all yours.
16:17Tui, where is she?
16:19Eh, not sure, actually.
16:23Haven't seen her in a little bit.
16:29Oh, my God.
16:31Jerry, you're a...
16:34Jerry, you're so good.
16:39Fuck! Fuck!
16:41Stop. Stop. I'll come.
16:45I just want to get my money's worth.
16:51Okay.
16:52Ah.
16:57Mm.
16:58Oh.
17:00Mm-hmm.
17:02Yes.
17:03Obviously, I didn't realise she'd taken the phone.
17:06What the jeepers creepers, Tui?
17:09Sorry. Sorry. I'll calm down. I'll calm down.
17:14I'm not getting back in the fucking bed.
17:16I paid my money.
17:18Get the fuck out of here.
17:19I'm not listening to you.
17:20Get the fucking fuck out of here.
17:21I know my rights. I paid my money.
17:23Hey, hey, hey.
17:24What the hell is going on in here?
17:26Well, I'm being ripped off.
17:27Well, he was so psyched about getting his money's worth
17:29that he psyched himself out of coming.
17:31Get the fuck out.
17:32I shan't.
17:34Unless I am provided with a refund
17:36or services to completion,
17:39I will be calling the cops.
17:40Be my guest.
17:44So the assault...
17:45No. No assault.
17:47I called you.
17:49The brothel provides a service.
17:51They should have to follow through on said service
17:54or provide a refund.
17:56Wait. So if you order a burger
17:58and you're still hungry after you've finished it,
18:00you ask for a refund?
18:03No.
18:04No. No. No. Wait. Wait.
18:05Sorry, pal. Time to go.
18:06Am I hallucinating?
18:07Is there brain matter dribbling out my ears?
18:09Mister, if you don't calm down,
18:11you might find yourself spending the night in lockup.
18:15Come on.
18:17He's only a runner.
18:18He left his car here.
18:20True.
18:21You going to run the plates?
18:22Yeah.
18:23Mrs. Dahmer?
18:25Vinnie!
18:26So cool to see you doing your thing.
18:29Oh.
18:30How's your mum?
18:31She's good.
18:32She's really good.
18:33Oh, fuck off.
18:34I don't need to hear it.
18:40She's coming.
18:41Go. Go. Go.
18:42Fucking ethical business my ass.
18:46Girls can't even fucking afford to eat.
18:49And she's just...
18:51You're just turning away clients
18:53because they don't meet your perfect expectations.
18:55Like, who the fuck are you?
18:57Not a sex worker.
18:58I guess it didn't occur to you.
19:01Enlightened, rich, white lady.
19:04But it's...
19:05It's the fucked up and it's the broken
19:08that actually need us.
19:10And we need them.
19:18Okay.
19:20We will advertise on kiwi chicks.
19:23Food on the table, roof overhead.
19:26They're the most important things, right?
19:28So ladies, why don't you go home
19:30and I will pay you for your time this week.
19:33Oh, man.
19:35Oh, fuck.
19:36Yeah.
19:42I'm not rich, by the way.
19:43Okay, true.
19:44Yeah, I just have to...
19:46Get that out there.
19:48Hey, uh...
19:51I'm done with this, okay?
19:53I'm just not ready and it's all a bit...
19:54No.
19:55Black and weird.
19:56No, wait.
19:57Good luck, bro.
19:58See you never.
20:00I need you.
20:01I don't give a fuck, okay?
20:02I would rather work out of my car than be...
20:04I need you to help me to help them.
20:09Please, talk to her.
20:27I've had sex heaps of times.
20:31Sex work isn't really about having sex.
20:35It's about having as little sex as possible, actually.
20:39Okay.
20:40And making someone feel like they fuck.
20:43Not fuck.
20:46But...
20:49Fuck.
20:54You want to fuck?
20:57You want to fuck for real?
21:01She paid us for the hour.
21:03Yeah, I know, but I don't...
21:04It's the best way to learn.
21:17And you're fucking hot, babe.
21:20Okay.
21:21I'm your client.
21:22Show me what you got.
21:24Or we call it a night.
21:26There's no pressure.
21:40You ready or what?
21:48Lie down.
21:55Come on.
21:58Come on.
22:20Don't do what you think you should do.
22:24Do what'll make me feel good.
22:55Oh, she fucks.
23:04Hey, Cass.
23:05Hey.
23:06All good?
23:07I had a great day.
23:08Oh, my God, did you?
23:09Not me.
23:12I'm sorry.
23:13I'm sorry.
23:14I'm sorry.
23:15I'm sorry.
23:16I'm sorry.
23:17I'm sorry.
23:18I'm sorry.
23:19I'm sorry.
23:20I'm sorry.
23:21I'm sorry.
23:22I'm sorry.
23:24Oh, the celebrity chef.
23:27Wow.
23:28Howdy, neighbor.
23:29Neighbor.
23:30I'm just checking in.
23:31Looks like you, well, you're single parenting at the moment, so...
23:35Yeah, yeah, Rob's away working, so...
23:38Thank you.
23:39Pleasure.
23:40Hey, just saying, if you ever need anything, I'm just, you know, over the fence.
23:44That's very kind of you.
23:47I'm not sharing that.
23:48Really?
23:49Mm-mm.
23:50Good.
23:51Enjoy.
23:52I will.
23:53Thank you.
23:57So, this has been a lifelong dream?
24:03Bucking for money?
24:04Mm.
24:05No.
24:08I was a bartender for a while, actually.
24:11Mm.
24:12But the money sucked.
24:14The hours sucked.
24:16Having a boss?
24:18That sucks.
24:20You like this more, then?
24:22Yeah, I love this.
24:26Look,
24:28Jazz loves fucking, Lolly loves making people feel good.
24:32Amethyst gets on a deep human level how important it is to be seen.
24:38Cherry?
24:39Freedom.
24:40Cherry earns enough money to raise her kids on her own.
24:47Look, if you're meant to do this, you'll find your thing.
24:50What's your thing?
24:52My thing.
24:55Okay.
24:57In this room, what happens between you and your client, that usually is honest.
25:06There's no bullshit.
25:08You know what you want from each other.
25:11So you can just be free.
25:16Does that make sense?
25:17I feel like that sounded weird.
25:19No.
25:22No, that makes sense.
25:23Okay, cool.
25:25Because I fucking love that.
25:29Phone rings.
25:32Mm.
25:33Phone rings.
25:39You're back, Mac.
25:41Okay, I am in.
25:43But I take all the photos of the girls, including the ones with their names and their faces.
25:48Unless, of course, you want me to report you to the Commerce Commission for anti-competitive behavior.
25:54Well, that's a very kind gesture.
25:56And as soon as I get that 25K, we'll get your girls up and pumping, eh?
26:0025? Wait, no.
26:01That's full price.
26:02What can I say?
26:03Inflation's a bitch, innit?
26:04Oh.
26:05Okay, listen, I will meet you halfway.
26:0820K.
26:09I think you'll find it's 21.
26:12The agreement's just been amended by both parties.
26:14Did you not get that email?
26:18Okay, so be it.
26:21Asshole.
26:27I don't want to talk to you for a while.
26:34Phone rings.
26:40Hello?
26:41Hi, Mac, it's Sharon.
26:43This is just a courtesy call to let you know that I am going to have to shut you down.
26:46Our petition's got 1,200 signatures and we're only just getting started.
26:50Sharon?
26:51Mm-hmm?
26:52Go fuck yourself.
27:03I want a big, fine daddy.
27:07I want a big, fine daddy.
27:10I want a big, fine daddy.
27:14Mm, a big, fine daddy is all I need.