Taskmaster UK S17E09
Taskmaster UK S17E09
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TVTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:04Well, well, well.
00:05Oh, no, no!
00:07Yes!
00:09Ah!
00:12Ah!
00:13Erm...
00:14It's quite windy, Steve. Yeah.
00:16Right.
00:17Whoo! Long way.
00:19That's how you do it, baby.
00:21OK.
00:22Oh, my God!
00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:36Hello!
00:38Hello again.
00:40Welcome to Taskmaster,
00:42or as it's referred to in North Korea,
00:44a correction facility for enemies of the state.
00:47Our five remain unbroken,
00:49but I'm yet to use my full body weight.
00:51Let the games continue.
00:53And for the penultimate time, please welcome...
00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:09And next to me, a man who says
01:11that the mothers at the gate of his children's school
01:14are a duplicitous gaggle of witches.
01:16LAUGHTER
01:18It's a little kid!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:25Task time, then, is it?
01:27Mm, it's prize task time.
01:29Yes. Yes.
01:30And this week, they've brought in
01:32the most splendid spherical thing.
01:35We're looking for a solid all-rounder
01:37and Greg will give five points for the most splendid spherical thing.
01:40The winner of the episode will take home five splendid spheres
01:43or a handful of brilliant balls or just under half a dozen cracking orbs.
01:47Right, Steve, hello.
01:49What's your splendid spherical thing?
01:51The most splendid spherical thing I wanted to bring you was the moon.
01:55Obviously, I couldn't do that,
01:57so I made you one.
01:59Made me the moon? I made a moon.
02:01This is Steve making the moon?
02:03I made it myself in my own back garden
02:05and then, over the course of a weekend,
02:08transformed it into this.
02:10Wonderful moon.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:17APPLAUSE
02:21It's a bit of a blue moon.
02:25It's spectacular, Steve.
02:27Yeah, and these craters were created, obviously,
02:30by gas erupting through...
02:32Oh!
02:33He saw through the science.
02:35Yeah.
02:36I mean, Steve, I'm speechless.
02:38If I'd have had 1,000 guesses,
02:41I wouldn't have got you doing an art-laden moon.
02:45Yes, so do you recognise the specificity
02:48of the mooning in the crater?
02:50It is me. It was taken by Sam Campbell. There we go.
02:56Well done, Steve. It's going to take some beating, I tell you.
02:59And I'm not a betting man,
03:02but I know who the woman least likely to beat it.
03:06Or am I wrong?
03:08I've got a mystic ball.
03:12You've got one of them, haven't you?
03:14Oh! I've just in my head said,
03:16Nick, win Taskmaster.
03:18It says very lightly, it says broken.
03:22Will Greg find love?
03:24Will Greg find love?
03:26Cannot foretell, but know.
03:28Cannot foretell, but know.
03:31You've added the know, yeah?
03:33I added the know. It felt more appropriate.
03:36My niece has got one of those.
03:38They're good, aren't they?
03:42Jon?
03:43Greg, you and I are both childless men.
03:45Thank you.
03:49Nice to know I'll never find love
03:51and to be reminded that the line stops with me.
03:56I see that as a positive that affords us certain luxuries.
04:00Correct.
04:01So I have brought you
04:03a giant honeycomb ball covered in chocolate.
04:09I have a very specific technique
04:11with the honeycomb balls covered in chocolate.
04:14I'll pop some coffee in my mouth.
04:17Then I'll pop the sphere in
04:19and I'll allow the coffee to melt through to the honeycomb.
04:23And I've already thought, looking at that,
04:25I'm going to have to chuck a cup of coffee on there.
04:28You can slice the top off,
04:30pour the coffee in and then suck it out.
04:34Keep talking, you silver-tongued devil.
04:39Nick. Hi, Greg.
04:40I would say I'm somewhere between Sophie and Jon.
04:43In terms of quality?
04:44In terms of quality.
04:45OK.
04:46But, yeah...
04:49I've brought in bath pearls.
04:52Oh!
04:54Here they are.
04:55Absolutely wonderful.
04:57Very big in the 80s.
05:00I think peaked in the 90s.
05:02No, no, no, hang on, hang on, Greg.
05:04Honest to God, gut instinct?
05:06I think this is going to do worse than Sophie.
05:10I'll tell you the reason why I love them.
05:12I have a very specific memory from childhood.
05:14In my mum and dad's house, there's a little room
05:16which is called the spare room.
05:18Ooh!
05:19That's an interesting name for it.
05:22And at Christmas time,
05:24mum and dad would, like, kind of get ahead
05:26and they'd wrap up some presents
05:28and it always used to smell of bath pearls, that room.
05:30Oh.
05:31Is that it?
05:34Joanne.
05:35I honestly don't think I can follow bath pearls.
05:37You can.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:41So, my present this week, it's a globe bar.
05:44I mean, I know you like a drink, I like a drink.
05:47Why not get pissed on top of the world?
05:51And then vomit on Wales or whatever you like to do.
05:54Which one, me here, yeah?
05:55Well, yeah, whatever.
05:56OK, yeah, yeah.
05:57We could put a woman in it, if you like.
05:59That would be interesting.
06:00Nick in a wig.
06:03I'll do that.
06:05Pop open your present.
06:06I mean, it does make the prize more exciting to me
06:09if I opened it to get myself a drink and Nick was in there.
06:12Yeah!
06:13For some bath pearls.
06:14For some bath pearls.
06:16OK.
06:17Five split spheres.
06:18You ready?
06:19Yes, oh, pointing already.
06:20Yeah.
06:21I'm sorry.
06:22One point for your rubbish bath pearls.
06:23That's all right.
06:24You'll take two points and thank me for it.
06:26Two to Sophie.
06:27Three?
06:28Incredible.
06:29I mean, you can't have thought you'd get three for that, Tad.
06:31What?! I thought he was going to win!
06:32Yes!
06:33I was so confident!
06:35I bought a bar.
06:36Like, what do you want?
06:38He wants them all.
06:39He wants them all!
06:45Obviously, John's mega chocolate-covered honeycomb ball
06:49will take four points.
06:50Lovely.
06:51Well done, John.
06:52And, you know, who could deny him five points?
06:54Well done, Steve Pemberton.
06:55There it is.
06:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:01Right, what's first, Alex?
07:03Well, I just can't believe it's that time of year again.
07:05It's the greatest day in the Gregorian-Davis calendar.
07:08This one's for the little guys.
07:20Right.
07:22MUSIC STOPS
07:25Hello.
07:26Hi. Welcome to my flexible workspace.
07:28All right.
07:29Oh, it smells nice in here.
07:31Sort of smells like a national trust or something.
07:34This is where I stay.
07:35This is where the magic doesn't happen.
07:38Sometimes happens.
07:40Sure.
07:43Is this where you live?
07:44No, this is me.
07:45That's very sweet.
07:47You've got a calendar out?
07:48Mm.
07:50Oh, that's sad, isn't it?
07:52Sleep.
07:53Sleep by a tree.
07:54Yeah.
07:59Day.
08:10Guy Fawkes has his fireworks, doesn't he?
08:12He does.
08:13People like me don't have anything at the moment.
08:15No, you don't. No, no, no, no.
08:18What day is Assistance Day?
08:19Look in the calendar.
08:22Ah!
08:23April the 20th.
08:24There is an Assistance Day, an official,
08:26professional administrative day.
08:28Right, well, this is going to help us a little bit.
08:30Yeah.
08:32Oh!
08:33Christ.
08:34It's my fault.
08:35Yes, OK.
08:36I feel like Assistance Day is for one day you are the assisters.
08:39So you'll help me.
08:42There was a man called Butch... Yeah.
08:44..who broke this table.
08:45Really? Yeah.
08:46Guy?
08:47Big guy.
08:48I'm trying to think about you.
08:50You've got your beard, you've got your clipboard.
08:54Personality?
08:55You've got a great personality.
08:58Um...
09:00Have a little walk and a little think.
09:02Mm-hm.
09:09Everybody who comes on the show and who meets Alex
09:11says what a nice guy he is,
09:13but this task that he's set once and for all
09:17reveals what a disgusting egomaniac and what an absolute narcissist he is.
09:23Hmm.
09:24But I'm happy to let you have your moment.
09:26Assistance Day it is.
09:27Thanks, Greg.
09:28Let's crack on.
09:29OK.
09:30First to celebrate Assistance Day are Soph and Steef.
09:34Here we go.
09:36Right.
09:37So what I've got is, like, a song that on Assistance Day people sing.
09:42So nobody's got a choice.
09:43You could even start and Greg would have to join in.
09:45Anybody.
09:48Oh!
09:50Steef.
09:51Hey, how are you?
09:52Not bad.
09:53Good seeing you.
09:54April the 20th, isn't it?
09:55April 20th today, yeah.
09:57One, two, three, go.
09:59Hit that butt, cross off the lip
10:01Doodle-a-doo, doodle-a-doo
10:03Assistance Day
10:09Oh. Oh, no.
10:10Happy Assistance Day.
10:11Hey, speaking of which,
10:13you know what we've got to do on 20th April, don't you?
10:16The tradition.
10:17Right, you ready for it, then?
10:18I'm ready, I love it.
10:19You got it?
10:20I've got it.
10:23Oh!
10:26On Assistance Day we shout hooray
10:30We drink a toast to helping foe
10:41Hey!
10:43See you next year?
10:44Yeah, I'll see you at Assistance Day.
10:46Bye-bye.
10:47Take care.
10:56Thanks, Sophie.
10:58Thanks for the song.
10:59Doodle-a-doo, doodle-a-doo
11:01Assistance Day
11:03APPLAUSE
11:09I mean, I imagine there are PAs across the land
11:11screaming into their hands.
11:13That's just the song.
11:15Assistants get to sing that song.
11:17Tick that box, check off the list
11:19Doodle-a-doo
11:23It's a reminder of how busy they are.
11:25Right, is it something you'd enjoy doing?
11:27I did enjoy doing it.
11:28Once a year?
11:29Yeah.
11:30For ten seconds?
11:31Both of those things made me very happy.
11:33I think great minds think alike.
11:35It's what kicks off Assistance Day.
11:37What, a forward roll with a glass of water?
11:40Yes!
11:41You did promise me you knew the trick
11:43where you could do a roly-poly and keep the glass of water full.
11:46Yes, I did.
11:47Neither of us could do that.
11:51My God.
11:52What a terrible start.
11:54Right, well, that's the end of part one.
11:56And there'll be more Assistance Day celebrations
11:58coming up in part two.
12:00Thanks, guys.
12:01Lovely to...
12:03Oh!
12:13Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster,
12:15where, for some grim, vain reason,
12:17we're celebrating the man next to me.
12:19Not satisfied with flogging the format around the world, are you?
12:22Doodle-a-doo, doodle-a-doo.
12:24Assistance Day.
12:25Now it's time for some more admin adulation with John and Joanne.
12:30What an assistant loves more than anything else on Earth is paper.
12:33It's your photocopier, it's your printer, it's your to-do list.
12:37So come over here cos we're going to make you
12:39your Assistance Day paper suit.
12:41Great.
12:44So you're just going to chill out today
12:46and enjoy your Assistance Day.
12:48Just to make sure you don't try and assist,
12:51cos that is your natural way.
12:53OK.
12:54We're going to go and say no to the bad man.
12:56Right.
12:59Shoulder to elbow, please.
13:0133 centimetres, was it? Mm-hm.
13:04Just need to sew these together.
13:07There we go.
13:11Here he is, OK?
13:14Repeat after me.
13:15No!
13:16No!
13:17I'm my own man today.
13:19I am... I am my...
13:21Own man.
13:22I am my own man today.
13:24Not today, Satan.
13:28Come on, it's your day.
13:31Not today, Satan.
13:32Good boy. Yeah?
13:33You're doing so well today.
13:35And we do this every...?
13:36Once a year. Once a year.
13:37Now, you're going to have to assist me a bit
13:39while you're in the pram cos it's... you're heavy.
13:41Is it a pram? Yes, of course it's a pram.
13:43What else is it? I thought it was a regal trolley.
13:46Tomato, tomato.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:58APPLAUSE
14:03No!
14:04No!
14:05No!
14:06No assisting today, it's my day.
14:08No.
14:09But you are going to have to get me my lunch, though.
14:11Oh, really? Yeah.
14:12You want it now? Yeah.
14:15Wait there, I'll get the menus.
14:17Will you help me out?
14:19No.
14:23Take a load off your boxes.
14:24Cheers. Cheers.
14:25Thank you so much.
14:29I love assistance day.
14:34APPLAUSE
14:39Not today, Satan, yeah?
14:42I mean, I sort of get... I get the logic.
14:44Why should they have to walk on that special day?
14:46Exactly, and Alex is...
14:48He assists... He's assist...
14:50He's assistable.
14:52He's assisting by nature.
14:54Is this a remix?
14:55LAUGHTER
14:59His natural way is to assist and help,
15:01so the only way to stop him assisting is to...
15:05..put him in a prom.
15:06I like the empowerment.
15:07You were getting him to show some sort of...
15:09He was asserting himself. Yeah.
15:11I did enjoy it. I felt quite emboldened.
15:13Did you? No!
15:16You look like a helpless adult in a trolley.
15:20Jon, I would like to celebrate your tailoring skills.
15:25It's an amazing paper suit.
15:28My question is, have I missed a metaphor outside of
15:31it's an assistant who's covered in paper?
15:35Before assistance day,
15:36assistants get to dress in their favourite thing,
15:39which is paper.
15:40Is it? Yes.
15:43Because they love paper.
15:44Also, I didn't want to...
15:47I think the basis of your celebration is
15:49that all assistants love paper.
15:51Yeah, big time.
15:53Have you seen this guy's dressing room?
15:55It's like a hamster's cage.
15:59I just think it's going to depress assistants.
16:02Who's next?
16:03It's Nick Mohammed.
16:05How are you?
16:06Well, I'm great, cos it's assistants' day.
16:08It is, it's assistants' day, so here we go.
16:10Well, this is sort of specifically for you...
16:15..but also for assistants sort of everywhere.
16:18Are you ready?
16:19Ha-ha! OK.
16:21Mmm...
16:25He assists us and helps us
16:28He's persistent and selfless
16:30He's Alex Horne
16:31He is quite tall, a welcome thorn
16:34In all our sights
16:35Not just there for the ride
16:38He is there by your side
16:40When things get tough, when things get weird
16:43He's always there with his nice beard
16:46But this is a song for assistants worldwide
16:50For their endless assistance
16:53To all humankind
16:55An assistant's existence should not be downplayed
17:00So on this day, let's celebrate
17:02And appreciate and ruminate
17:05On assistants' day, assistants' day, assistants' day
17:08And specifically, Alex Horne.
17:17Thank you.
17:20I feel like I took it too seriously.
17:23I think maybe I'm having a breakdown, but I felt quite emotional.
17:28Cos I was just like this.
17:31Sing for me, Nick.
17:34I thought it was really lovely, Nick.
17:36Thanks, Greg.
17:37And where do you imagine it being played,
17:39at the beginning of assistants' day, or is there an event of some kind?
17:42Ah, I think it's that kind of thing,
17:44almost like at Christmas, there's carols,
17:46so I think you can sing it maybe up to the lead-up to assistants' day.
17:49Really?
17:50And then on the day itself, and then maybe the day after, but not...
17:53Oh, OK.
17:55I guess on the day after it might start to grate.
17:57Yes.
17:59I'll give some points out.
18:00OK.
18:01We're saying Sophie one point and deservedly so, aren't we?
18:03Right.
18:04I celebrated the assistant, didn't humiliate the assistant.
18:07Yeah, fine, you can have two points.
18:10And you'll thank me for that.
18:12I think I'm going to give the paper suit three points.
18:14I'm going to give Joanne four.
18:15You know, I've been horrible to him over the years,
18:17but he should have one day off.
18:19Thank you, Joanne.
18:20It's not today, you prick.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:23And, you know, what a hauntingly beautiful way to start assistants' day,
18:27listening to Nick's lovely, uplifting song.
18:29Five points to Nick, please.
18:31APPLAUSE
18:35Can I have a scoreboard, please, Alex?
18:37Yes, and once again, it's 7-7-7 at the top.
18:40Joanne, John and Steve, joint leaders.
18:42APPLAUSE
18:46What next, Alex?
18:47Well, this is a task where they all participated
18:50in our progressive aerobic cardiovascular endurance run,
18:53and I'm not even joking.
18:54Stop it. Here we go.
19:08Joanne McNally.
19:10Alex...whatever.
19:12Alex Horne.
19:15Lovely to see you.
19:16Absolutely lovely to see you, too.
19:19John, Alex.
19:21Right. Ooh!
19:22Ooh, it jumped off, Sophie.
19:24I know, it's ready for me, that's what it is.
19:26Have you been up to much?
19:28Um, no, I've just been preparing every possible outcome for this task,
19:32so whatever it is, I'm pretty sure I've already thought of it.
19:35Oh, here we go.
19:37Peg a BLEEPED sock.
19:39Bin a BLEEPED sock.
19:41Then PEEPING WELL DON A BLEEPED SOCK ON A BLEEPED APPENDAGE.
19:45Then PEEPING WELL DON A BLEEPED SOCK ON A BLEEPED APPENDAGE.
19:49PEG BIN DON.
19:51PEG BIN DON, is it?
19:53OK, so I get a throw one, one on the peg,
19:57pop one on my body.
19:59Each single BLEEPING action must take place between BLEEPING BLEEPS.
20:05Most BLEEPED BLEEPS got BLEEPED on wins.
20:08Sounds like my mother.
20:10Your f***ing time f***ing well starts
20:13when the f***ing BLEEP start and f***ing ends
20:16when you miss a f***ing BLEEP.
20:18It's really fun to do that, isn't it?
20:20To warn you, the BLEEPS will start far apart...
20:22Oh, like the BLEEP test at school.
20:24It's like the BLEEP test at school.
20:26Your time starts when the BLEEPS start and ends when you miss a BLEEP.
20:30PEG
20:32BIN
20:34And then DON.
20:36Does that make sense?
20:38Not really.
20:40Oh, God.
20:46Tell me about the BLEEP test at school, Nick. What was that?
20:49When you all sat down on the one end of the sports hall
20:52and they do a BLEEP and then you run to the other end
20:55and you've got to run back before the sound of the next BLEEP.
20:58Am I the only one who hasn't done the BLEEP test?
21:01You've all done the BLEEP test? Sorry.
21:03I haven't done a BLEEP test, Greg.
21:05Ah, I see.
21:08I see what's happening here.
21:10Of course, our version of that was we used to ride a penny farthing today.
21:15There is one more thing I want to say.
21:18Appondage.
21:20Appondage. Appondage.
21:22I'm appalled at myself. I have a degree in English. How embarrassing.
21:28OK, first up, it's John and Nick.
21:31Appondage.
21:33PEG BIN DON
21:35May the BLEEPS commence.
21:37Will they be...? Oh, that's a BLEEP.
21:39OK, so PEG a BLEEP.
21:41Don't PEG a BLEEP. No, I won't.
21:44Ah!
21:46Oh, you've tied it to the sodding thing!
21:48Is there a key for that?
21:54You've done one. PEG.
21:56I'm going to take off the cloak.
21:58Oh, that was a BLEEP.
22:01BLEEP
22:06There's got to be a key for that bin somewhere.
22:08I expect so, yeah.
22:12Over the shoe.
22:14Lovely.
22:17What's your system here, Nick?
22:20There and back, there and back. Yep, lovely.
22:22You've PEG'd and you've binned and you've done.
22:27PEG BIN DON
22:28Now, what I'm thinking is, um,
22:30just move everything a bit closer.
22:32Oh.
22:35Oh, yeah, I see.
22:48Have you found the key?
22:52It must be before the next BLEEP.
22:55That's on. Just in time there, Nick.
22:57It was on.
23:00BLEEP
23:10PEG BIN DON
23:19Oh, there's a key on it!
23:25BLEEP
23:29DON
23:31PEG BIN DON
23:33PEG is next.
23:34PEGS
23:40Oh!
23:41Oh, did you miss one?
23:43Oh, you covered a lot of ground there.
23:45Woo! Woo!
23:48PEG BIN DON
23:50BIN
23:51DON
23:52PEG
23:53BIN
23:54DON
23:57Ah, I missed the BLEEP. Oh.
24:00Hi, Jon.
24:04It's quite funny, though. Seriously, you take some things.
24:06Even I started to think it was a fucking sport.
24:10Well, when you've been playing PEG BIN DON as long as I have...
24:13Yeah.
24:14..you just want to try it in different terrains,
24:16different weather conditions and stuff.
24:18It was a nice day. The wind was in a good place for me.
24:23Sun was shining.
24:24This is a great post-match interview. I'm really enjoying it.
24:28Nick?
24:29I did write down that you take defeat well.
24:31Oh, thank you.
24:32Something in it.
24:33I genuinely believe that you learn a lot more from failure than success.
24:36Yeah. But which do you prefer?
24:43What's that?
24:44To me, savouring success.
24:46Oh.
24:47Just how I do it.
24:50What about when you fail?
24:53I don't know why I did that.
24:54Is that me shitting?
24:57Is that me booing myself?
24:58I just had a real out-of-body experience
25:00where I just realised I was doing that and it was being filmed.
25:05I think maybe all the sarcastic things I've said to you have built up
25:07and that was the release.
25:08Yeah, came out.
25:10Right, that's the end of part two.
25:12Alex, please, would you perform a haiku for everybody?
25:16COO
25:18Comedy!
25:29Hello!
25:30Welcome to a third part of the show
25:32where there's an old-school bleep test underway.
25:35Big time, yes.
25:36They've got to peg a sock, bin a sock, then don a sock on an appondage.
25:40Each action taking place between the bleep.
25:43So let's see how Sophie and Joanne got on.
25:47So it's peg first, good.
25:49Peg a sock.
25:50It doesn't say peg to the line, sure it doesn't.
25:52Oh, thinking outside the box.
25:55Oh, so you've just pegged it, OK.
25:58Do you think binning means putting it in a bin
26:00or are you just going to bin it?
26:01I thought bin it, as in get rid of it.
26:03Fine.
26:04It's up to you.
26:05Oh, I have it.
26:06I'm bringing them all to the same place.
26:08Right.
26:09Right.
26:11And here's an appondage, isn't it?
26:13That's an appondage, yeah, lovely.
26:15Lovely appondage.
26:16Oh, no!
26:17Oh!
26:18Don't get it onto my basket.
26:19Sorry!
26:22Cool.
26:23Are you happy with your technique?
26:25Oh, lovely.
26:32It's very casual.
26:33It's very casual, isn't it?
26:35We could have brunch.
26:40Lovely.
26:41Thank you.
26:42Peg.
26:48So you're saying the head is an appendage?
26:50Yeah, it's a head, isn't it?
26:52Yeah.
27:00An appendage is just something
27:02that you might stick a plaster on, isn't it?
27:06Which is a head, in my case.
27:10This is the sportiest thing I've ever done.
27:13It's a...
27:14Oh, jeez.
27:17BUZZER
27:18Uh-oh.
27:19WHISTLE
27:21Appendage.
27:22God, he's really complicated.
27:24Peg.
27:25Yeah, you've got to be quick now.
27:26Right, shh.
27:27Sorry.
27:28Oh, no.
27:29BUZZER
27:30Peg.
27:31Oh, no, I lost my peg.
27:32Oh, no.
27:33It's intense, that, isn't it?
27:35Yeah.
27:36APPLAUSE
27:39Joanne's having a blanket today, isn't she?
27:41Oh, yeah.
27:42It's the first task that I've kind of read
27:44between the lines of the task.
27:46Yeah?
27:47Now, let's talk about the definition of binning something.
27:52Bin it off.
27:53You're the sort of person who chucks crisp bags out your car, aren't you?
27:58Yeah, I mean, binning can mean get rid of.
28:00Thank you.
28:01I got rid of them.
28:02It can?
28:03It's a dictionary definition, get rid of.
28:05To bin it off?
28:06Get rid of? They still exist.
28:07Bin it.
28:08They're just behind her.
28:09Bin it.
28:10I'm aware of the casual use of bin it.
28:12I just don't know that I approve.
28:13I think it's people like you who are bringing our country down.
28:17Who's next?
28:18OK, finally, it's time to see the multi-award winning actor
28:21and writer, Steve Pemberton, in a different sort of light.
28:26OK, come on.
28:27Oh, bollocks!
28:31Oh, orange peg for an orange sock, bonus points.
28:34Most bleeps wins.
28:35Now, I've got to bin a sock before the next bleep.
28:42After the next bleep.
28:43So, where's the bin?
28:45There's a bin here.
28:46You ready for your sock?
28:47Yes.
28:48You hungry?
28:49I'm starving.
28:50You want a f***ing sock?
28:51Yeah, give me a f***ing sock.
28:53You sure?
28:54Yeah, give me a f***ing sock now.
28:56All right, you c***, calm down.
28:58Stop being a b****, give me a sock.
29:00Jesus.
29:01There's your sock.
29:05Very rude bin.
29:07OK, Donna's sock on an appendage.
29:10So, I've already got one in my hand.
29:12There we go.
29:14Motherf***er.
29:16I hope I've done that right.
29:19Have you finished?
29:25P***s, s***s, f***, bollocks, f***hole.
29:29Er, nipples...
29:31Yes, finished.
29:34I don't know what I'm meant to do.
29:36Well, all the information's on the task, Steve.
29:40I hope I've not made a fool of myself.
29:48I just heard most bleeps wins.
29:51There were loads of bleeps.
29:55I think I should win.
29:58Most bleeps wins.
30:00So, your understanding of that task...
30:03..was person who swears the most?
30:05Yeah.
30:06I thought the socks were a total irrelevance.
30:08Right.
30:14I mean, I'm happy to count the swearing bleeps as bleeps,
30:17because it won't affect the scores.
30:20What was your favourite swear word you used?
30:22Um...
30:28It's just a bit of fun. What's your favourite swear word?
30:31Jizz?
30:32Yeah.
30:34Lovely.
30:35Can I have some scores, please?
30:37Steve managed to generate a total of 15 bleeps.
30:40Nick, 22.
30:41Sophie, 30.
30:43Joanne, 42 bleeps.
30:45John, 43.
30:47So, he gets the five points.
30:49There we go, well done.
30:54OK, do you think we could have one more task, Alex, please?
30:57Mm-hm. It's time to go back of head to the lamp.
31:01Oh?
31:18Hello.
31:19Hello, Sophie.
31:20Ha-ha!
31:21Short back and sides, please.
31:24HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
31:26Yes.
31:28Sorry, I'm sorry.
31:29Sorry.
31:31Ah, I can see myself on the back of my head.
31:34Very rarely you get to see that.
31:36Ah, yeah, the old task.
31:38Yeah, I'm afraid so.
31:41Make, that's written backwards.
31:43Oh, no.
31:45God, that's hard, isn't it?
31:47Heen, hoob.
31:50Heeb.
31:51That's an S, isn't it?
31:52They look like As backwards on this typewriter.
31:54They do.
31:55Need, ooh.
31:56Oh, yes.
31:59Be my...
32:01I don't know if I can hear anything.
32:05Be our bumble.
32:08There's something going on, isn't there?
32:10Oh, for Christ's sake.
32:13Right.
32:14Make the back of your head look like the front of a head.
32:17Make the na...
32:18Make the back...
32:20..of your...
32:21..neeb...
32:22What's a neeb?
32:24Ha-ha!
32:26Make the back of your head look like the front of your head.
32:29You may not just make a mask.
32:31You must demonstrate your new front of head in action.
32:34Most characterful back, front, head wins.
32:39Is there anything else in the room that could help you read that?
32:42Oh, my...
32:46That is a really good trick, I have to say.
32:50You have 15 minutes.
32:52Your time starts...
32:54..one.
32:55Topo.
32:56Finally.
32:58Your time starts one.
33:00It's now backwards.
33:03Most characterful back, front, head wins.
33:06All right.
33:08So...
33:11..I would imagine it's a bit of yellow.
33:16Oh, no, that's my precious...
33:19Can you see my nostrils?
33:21Biggest I've ever seen.
33:25So, that's what the ketchup's for, obviously.
33:28She's the kind of person who listens to Gloria Gaynor.
33:31Let's dive in.
33:34What are you thinking?
33:36Hello.
33:37This is very Blue Peter back in the day, isn't it?
33:40How old is she?
33:41She's about 15.
33:42Been through the menopause, she's on HRT.
33:46Oh, God.
33:47I hate you for this.
33:49APPLAUSE
33:52Well, I'm very much looking forward to meeting the lady
33:55who's into Gloria Gaynor and is...
33:58Menopause.
33:59You know that, I am what I am.
34:01She's had sex after sex.
34:02Yeah, you've got to, haven't you? Yeah.
34:04Good. So, we're doing some back of the head characters.
34:07Yes, most characterful back of head wins.
34:09Let's start with Sophie and Nick's characterful creations.
34:13MUSIC PLAYS
34:16Hello, where's the party at?
34:18Oh, hello, wel...
34:19Oh, hello, welcome to the party.
34:21Yeah, I'm having a great time.
34:24I don't know what your name is.
34:26Death.
34:27Death? Right, hello, Death.
34:30LAUGHTER
34:34Hello.
34:36My name's Leslie.
34:38And I'm ready for me song.
34:40Hello, Leslie.
34:42Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
34:44Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
34:47Ooh.
34:49Ooh.
34:51Did you write that yourself, Leslie?
34:53It's about my divorce.
34:54Oh, sorry to hear that.
34:56Yeah.
34:57Did he leave you or did you leave...?
34:59He left.
35:00He left.
35:01It was hard.
35:02But I'm back.
35:04I'm back.
35:05Thanks for inviting me.
35:07Pleasure, Death.
35:08Hang on, my...
35:09My straw's come out of my mouth.
35:12There we go.
35:14There you go, that's all right.
35:17Go, Leslie.
35:19You know?
35:20Woo!
35:22Woo!
35:29Did you feel there was some doubt in your eyes
35:32when you said, that was all right?
35:34There was a touch of doubt.
35:36I think I got really fixated on the party blower thing.
35:40But I loved the party blower thing.
35:42So did I, but then that's the only thing it could do.
35:45Not so.
35:46The monocle swivelled into place.
35:48That's true.
35:49There was a lot of moving parts to that face.
35:52I think I'm too into it.
35:53Yeah.
35:55I'm all right with that.
35:57Um, is Leslie the middle-aged lady?
36:00She was from Sesame Street.
36:04I was just expecting something a little bit more realistic.
36:07I thought, I'm going to get drawn into a woman's struggle here.
36:10You know, someone who's been through something.
36:12Yes!
36:13And then there was just some goon with a sheet and two big...
36:18Two big bog lights that looked out to the back of her head.
36:21I think you saw her, though, didn't you?
36:23I saw her.
36:24Leslie, she was there, she was with you.
36:26She was there.
36:27I enjoyed it.
36:28Albeit low scoring.
36:29OK, I don't mind.
36:30OK.
36:31That's three quarters of this fine episode gone.
36:33There's a massive chocolate ball and a moony face.
36:36A chocolate ball and a mooning moon up for grabs, so hurry back.
36:39We'll see you soon.
36:49Hello!
36:50It's the final part of the show
36:51and there's still a task to complete in the lab.
36:54Yes, that's right.
36:55Our cast are trying to make the back of their head
36:57look like the front of a head.
36:58Most characterful back, front, head wins.
37:01Steve Pemberton and Joanne McNally are next.
37:03Oh, and here they come right now.
37:07Put them up.
37:08Put them up.
37:11I'm undefeated in 18 fights.
37:15Roach like a battleship, sings like a wasp.
37:20Look at one.
37:21He fell asleep on the plane.
37:23He took his phone, pointed it to his face,
37:25opened it and went into his DMs.
37:28I went into his DMs.
37:29He's fucking cheating, isn't he?
37:31Some slag called Barbara fucking all over him.
37:34Sending naked photos and everything and he's asking for it.
37:39Come on, Alex.
37:40I'm going to take you on.
37:41Come on. Are you a man or a mouse? Come on.
37:43Oh, you want me to come and fight you?
37:44Oh, are you going to come and fight me?
37:45I'd love to.
37:46I can take you on.
37:48OK.
37:49Are you a Southpaw?
37:50Er...
37:52Oh, yeah, you got me really good.
37:54Ah!
37:55Yeah!
37:56I love you, Adrian!
37:59You're joking.
38:00Fucking knew he was cheating.
38:02Fucking knew it.
38:03When the phone's face down during dinner and they bring it to the toilet.
38:06That's it, innit?
38:07That's all I knew, he was mugging me off.
38:09Didn't I?
38:11I'm raging.
38:14Woo!
38:22When I first saw it, Steve, and you going...
38:24I thought, yeah, he's lost his fucking mind.
38:28And then I went, cauliflower ears.
38:30Cauliflower?
38:31It was all edible.
38:32Orange peel, tooth, banana nose, coffee pod eyes.
38:34Coffee pod eyes.
38:35And that cauliflower stain, that is turmeric cauliflower,
38:38which stained my hair for about fortnight afterwards.
38:41And those elastic bands left welts in my face
38:44that meant we had to delay filming by quite some time
38:46before they calmed down again.
38:48Wow.
38:49Joanne.
38:50I mean, I...
38:51I hated that woman.
38:52Yeah.
38:53I'm sorry to the people of Essex, I can't do accents.
38:56Oh.
38:57She was from Essex?
38:58Yeah!
39:00I thought she was Welsh.
39:01It was kind of, it was a Gemma Collins character.
39:03Yeah.
39:04Were there any rules that Joanne broke?
39:07No, the one rule was you can't just make a mask,
39:10but she didn't just make a mask.
39:12OK.
39:13It was far more creative than that.
39:14It was very creative.
39:15I loved the duality of flipping between the two characters.
39:18It's got quite serious all of a sudden, doesn't it?
39:20Yeah.
39:21Yeah, she did also say,
39:22oh, so it's just sticking shit to the back of my head, is it?
39:25That's more like it, we're back in the game.
39:28Well, just John left,
39:29and that means this is either very good or absolute horseshit.
39:34All right, then, well, finally, it's our resident reanimator,
39:37it's John Robbins.
39:41Hello.
39:42How you doing, Wembley, you OK?
39:45HE SINGS
39:47HE SINGS
39:49HE SINGS
39:51HE SINGS
39:53HE SINGS
39:55HE SINGS
39:58HE SINGS
40:00HE SINGS
40:09Some of your finest work, I would say.
40:11Look how pleased he is with himself.
40:13Well, do you know, the reason I'm pleased
40:15is cos I'm so bad at painting and colouring in,
40:17not that I do colouring in, anyway.
40:20I was painting in the mirror, and I thought,
40:23don't let Freddy down.
40:27Right, are you ready to score these back-to-back?
40:29Yeah, it's quite tricky, really, cos, you know,
40:31there's a lot of people jostling at the bottom of the pile.
40:35I'll put all five up here, OK, and then you can...
40:37That might help you. That might help me.
40:39There they are.
40:40There are the five characters.
40:44You won't like this, can I go from the top down?
40:46I'm fine with that, I'm pretty relaxed.
40:48Right, cos obviously, Freddy Mercury's the best,
40:50so we'll give John five points.
40:52There we go, round of applause for John Robbins.
40:55As we're talking about characters and faces,
40:57I'm going to give Steve four points.
40:59I rather liked Joanne's, the duality.
41:01I'm sure the internet will go fucking mad
41:03if she just used a mask.
41:05So, three points.
41:06Back again. I know, here we are.
41:09Getting two points is like Christmas Day.
41:13Two points each. There we go.
41:19What are the scores?
41:20The scores, well, yes, Sophie and Nick are at the bottom.
41:23Joanne, you're second, but John's in the lead again with 17.
41:29Please give your all, make your way to the station.
41:31Final time for the show!
41:41Hi, baby boy.
41:43Oh, hi, Dad.
41:47Who's going to read the task out?
41:49Joanne McNally, please.
41:50McNally.
41:51McNally.
41:53It's with you.
41:54Bounce a ball on the bar.
41:56In round one, your ball must bounce once before falling off the bar.
42:01In round two, your ball must bounce twice before falling off the bar
42:05and so on.
42:06Each player has one life. Most correct bounces wins.
42:09They can make one mistake.
42:10One mistake in total in the whole game.
42:12Got it.
42:13Can you choose when to use that life?
42:18You want to use it in a previous task?
42:22Oh, right, no, I get it, I get it.
42:27So, John is up first.
42:28Let's play ball.
42:30John, grab a ball, bounce it once on the bar.
42:36He has made it through.
42:37It was a classic side bounce.
42:39It was a side bounce.
42:40Following suit.
42:43Well done, lovely stuff.
42:46Next up, it's Steve Hamilton.
42:48Ooh!
42:50I meant it.
42:52OK, next up is Nick Mohammed.
42:54Feeling all right, Nick?
42:55I'm all right.
42:59If anyone can mess this up.
43:04Ooh!
43:05Ooh!
43:06Incoming.
43:07It's now round two.
43:08Two bounces on the bar, please.
43:12APPLAUSE
43:14Lovely.
43:22Ooh!
43:25No-one's using the full length of the bar yet.
43:28It's quite expensive.
43:34Ooh!
43:39I'm holding it because you're now on a life.
43:44Ooh!
43:45Steve, please sit on the elimination bench.
43:47Steve Hamilton, everyone.
43:48APPLAUSE
43:50Heartbreaking.
43:56Ooh!
43:57It's all right, you're still in the game, Nick.
44:00Try and do it twice.
44:03No, you're quite experienced.
44:07Lovely.
44:08APPLAUSE
44:10Just put it there, just to remember.
44:17Do we all sit?
44:20Ooh!
44:23Go on.
44:24Right, come on, number two.
44:26Two.
44:27Duh-duh.
44:31Sophie, please make your way to the bench.
44:34So, go on, you're up.
44:36Three bounces, please.
44:39Ooh!
44:46Ooh!
44:47Well, it'll be useful in round five.
44:57Ooh!
44:58On the bench.
44:59You may still make it through if the others don't.
45:01APPLAUSE
45:04Hmm.
45:06Hmm.
45:10Yes.
45:11Yes.
45:12Ooh!
45:13Ooh, it was close.
45:14That was four, so just one fewer and you'll be through.
45:17OK.
45:27Yes!
45:28APPLAUSE
45:32So, if Nick fails here, Joanne is the winner.
45:34It's three.
45:35Three, and you have no lives, so this is it.
45:38This is potentially the end game.
45:42Oh!
45:44Oh, hello.
45:48Just one trick shot too far, wasn't it?
45:51Oh, yeah!
45:58Ladies and gentlemen, the winner, Joanne O'Loughlin!
46:03Come down and join me. We'll have that for the final scores.
46:08APPLAUSE
46:12So, Sophie and Steve came joint fourth.
46:14You get two points each. Nick and John joint second.
46:16Four points each, but the best bouncer was Joanne McNally.
46:19APPLAUSE
46:21Five points.
46:22So, it means that Nick has had a solid episode.
46:27You're joint third with Steve.
46:29Joanne, a strong finish on 19, but John is the winner again with 21 points.
46:33APPLAUSE
46:35John Robbins wins.
46:38Please go and scoop up your splendid spears.
46:44See you next time for the final.
46:46But now, please applaud tonight's worthy winner once more.
46:49It's John Robbins!
46:51APPLAUSE
47:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE